Chapter Text
2009
Amber sits perfectly still, letting the sun warm her skin in the grass outside her elementary school. Kids around her are screaming at the top of their small lungs and playing with one another. Her dark hair is pulled back into a tight ponytail that makes her head ache around her temples. Amber is fully overstimulated and the sun beating down on her doesn't help in this case. Everything is too bright, too itchy or too loud. She found a small corner for just herself, out of everyone's way, trying desperately to just take in the few moments to herself before she is drug back into a classroom with thirty other children her age.
As she sits, picking aimlessly at the grass, a shadow is cast over her face, temporarily giving her reprieve from the sun beating down against her.
“Hey, can I sit with you?” A girl in a fuzzy pink t-shirt with a small bunny on it stands in front of her. The faintest trails of tears are still marked on her round face and her low pigtails are messy and barely held together by her ties. Amber looks up slowly, her eyebrows knit together as she studies the smaller girl. She has her hands interlocked in front of her body as she stands, closed off to the world but her eyes are a bit desperate.
“Uhm, sure?” Amber questions shortly, before immediately looking back down at the grass, ignoring her presence
“Thank you.” The new girl whispers, before plopping down across from her on the grass with a small huff. They sit in complete silence, neither one of them talk as Amber picks aimlessly at the ground. It should feel just as uncomfortable as being close to any other student but there is a weird wave of peace that comes over both of them as they sit there. Suddenly the rest of the world doesn't seem so loud to Amber. They sit in each other's comfortable company until the whistle is blown for them all to go inside.
The next day Amber sits in her same quiet spot, waiting for recess to be over as other kids scream and play around her. She doesn't feel quite as itchy and uncomfortable as she did the day before, she had fought her mother to let her keep her hair down so it didn't pull so tightly against her skull. Her class has been outside for about five minutes when the same shadow cast over her and she slowly looks up to meet the brown eyes of the girl from yesterday. This time she's in a plain purple shirt.
“Hey, can I sit with you?” The same voice carries to Amber's ears, normally Amber would simply scowl and turn back to her very important work of running her fingers through the short blades of grass.
“Sure.” Amber says more confidently this time before looking back down at her hands in the dirt.
“My name is Tara.” The girl says as she plops down, happier than she was yesterday with a cheery smile.
“Amber.” She replies, not looking up as she watches a small jumping spider closely in the grass. Amber focuses on the small creature making sure to sit very still as she lets it crawl onto her hand before lifting her hand to her face to stare down at it.
“Ew, there's a bug on you.” Tara says knitting her eyebrows together as her eyes go wide. “It's gonna bite you Amber!”
“No it wont, look.” Amber slowly lifts her hand up to the girl sitting across from her making sure not to scare the tiny bug so it doesn't jump away. The spider stays completely still with her slow movements as she holds it up to Tara’s eyeline for a moment letting her study it a little closer but still keeping it far enough away that if it jumps it wouldn't spook the other girl.
“Hey. He is kinda cute. I thought all spiders were icky and evil.” Tara cocks her head to the side and smiles down at the spider. “I like him, he's cool. I don't think I wanna hold him though.” Tara says quickly when Amber starts to move her hand close. Something inside Amber warms for a moment as she gently lowers her hand so that the spider can go off into the grass.
“Yeah, a lot of people think that. But most of them are just small and scared of you.” Amber sits quietly after that, only looking up a few times to get a glimpse of Tara, now also looking through the grass with a warm smile on her face. She didn't talk again, just allowing the sun to gently beat down on the both of them until their teachers blew the whistle to come inside and head to separate classrooms.
This went on for a few days, Amber would sit outside in the grass away from the other kids and after a few minutes Tara would stride over and ask if she could sit with her. They didn't speak much. Tara would just sit in silence, letting the sun hit her face and wind blow around her hair. Amber did find herself looking at her more often than down at the grass, something about this girl was so interesting to her.
“Why don't you go play with the other kids?” Amber blurts out quickly a few minutes after Tara has sat down, they just started their second week sitting together and she couldn't make sense of the situation. Most kids thought it was strange that she hid in the corner of the field by herself and wanted nothing to do with running around with them.
“Do you not want me to sit here? You said it was fine?” Tara questions with the smallest amount of hurt in her eyes as she looks up from where she was looking at the ground. Amber panics seeing her emotions shift and sits up straighter.
“No, uhm, I don't care if you sit here. I just thought that you would want to go play or something. I am just sitting here” Amber stutters out quickly, glancing at the rest of the students running and playing with each other.
“Not really, it's nice over here and every time I try to go play that kid Devin pulls my hair. And I don't like it, sometimes it makes me cry. But Devin said that you're weird and I don't like Devin so I came over here to sit with you.” Tara states very matter of factly “And I dont think youre weird. I think you're nice. You showed me that bugs can be nice too. Devin is just stupid.”
Devin is in Amber’s class, he was known to pick on girls. One time he had tried to focus his attention on Amber, pulling at her ponytail and calling her weird. When she went home that evening, she got one of her mothers expensive fish, the ones that she always orders with the head still attached, out of the trash and left it in his cubby the next day. They called her parents for that, and she had been forced to clean all the cubbies during recess, she didn't mind that much since it was so much quieter in the class room with just her and the teacher.
“Devin is not nice. And he smells like fish” Amber says with finality looking back down at the grass. As she picks through the grass a small clover catches her eye, it has four leaves. Amber remembers something about those being special from their Saint Patricks day party, she immediately plucks it from the ground and tilts her head to study it up close.
“Wow! A four leaf clover, that's so cool. My Dad says they give good luck!” Tara exclaims with wide and sparkling eyes and a huge partially toothless smile.
Amber immediately thrusts it forward to Tara with no hesitation. The hairs on her neck stand up in embarrassment as she tilts her head down, not wanting to see Tara’s reaction.
“You should have it.” She mumbles under her breath
“No, I can't take it.” Tara shakes her head a little too quickly. “You found it, it's yours Amber.”
“I want you to have it.” Amber says, thrusting it forward again her fingers brush against Tara’s arm and this time Tara concedes, gently pulling the clover from her fingers with a nod.
“Thank you, now I feel soooo lucky.” Tara says with a bright smile as she stares down at the small plant, holding it as gently as possible so she doesn't damage it. Amber just huffs in response before putting her head back down and using her dark hair as a curtain. Tara clutches the small clover to her chest till the end of recess.
Another week passes in silence between the two girls but they continue to share their recess time. Everything was peaceful and Amber had found herself telling her mother about the only other girl that appreciated the silence when she would get picked up from school.
“Mommy, I met this girl in school, we hang out during recess.” Amber says, glancing up at her mother as she sits down in the back seat. Without turning to look at Amber her mother gives her a curt nod while staring down at her cell phone.
“That's nice sweetie, what do you do?” Her mother states flippantly
“Me and her sit together in the grass, she doesn't make me talk-” Amber starts but is swiftly cut off by the sound of her mothers blackberry.
“Hold on sweetie, I have to take this.” Her mother holds her hand up, silently informing her to stop talking and holds the phone to her ear, the rest of the car ride was spent listening to her mother bicker with her father about some real estate deal that was more important than Amber’s day at school.
Amber walks upstairs slightly defeated and drops her backpack at her bedroom door, her mothers voice still echoing downstairs. She slides onto her bed and picks up her newest picture book, settling into her bed to flip through it before she would have to start her homework. She sends out a silent prayer that she won't be bothered until she has to go downstairs for dinner.
After she has read the book twice and finished her homework she starts picking out her clothes for the next day, a plan forming in her mind to get to school early.
She spends a lot of time alone.
The next day she wakes up early, actually excited to go to school. She rushes to get her bag packed, putting her homework in so quickly that it crumbles into her binder and rushing down the stairs to meet her mother in the kitchen.
“Woah, hey, someone is in a rush?” her mother says as she looks down at an out of breath Amber. “What's the hurry, is something on fire up there?”
“We need to get to school before seven please mommy.” Amber demands, glancing at the door and bouncing on her heels
“Why is that dear?” Her mother asks as she continues to wander aimlessly around the kitchen, barely focusing her attention on her daughter.
“That girl that sits with me at recess, when we get there at seven thirty she is already there.” Amber spits out before grabbing a glass of milk off the counter with both hands and chugging it. She follows her mother around the kitchen and starts pushing on her legs to get her to move towards the door.
Amber spent the past week waiting outside in the morning, quietly watching kids walk in after being dropped off hoping that she would get to walk with Tara into school since they were in different classes.
“Oh? Okay hunny, just let me get these papers.” She says absent mindedly shuffling towards a large briefcase.
“No. Now.” Amber stamps her foot, finally that shocks her mother into looking down, she has never seen her daughter throw a tantrum. She is a very quiet and self-sufficient child.
“Don't speak to me that way Amber Freeman.” her mother says sternly glaring down at Amber as she breathes harder with her arms crossed over her tiny chest. Her mother rolls her eyes but she still picks up her paperwork and heads for the door. “But since it seems like you're finally taking some interest in a social circle I'll let it slide. Come on.”
Amber and her mother sit silently in the car, Amber stares out the window, her heart beating with an excitement she doesn't understand. As soon as they pull into the drop off lane Amber jumps out, slamming the door behind her with a small wave to her mother as she drives off. Amber stands by the front entrance and just waits watching as child after child hops out different cars. It only takes about 5 minutes before a silver minivan pulls up and the back door slides open revealing Tara. In the front passenger seat there is an older girl with what looks like a permanent scowl carved into her features, just glaring a hole into the dashboard in front of her.
Tara hops out of the back seat and her converse covered feet hit the pavement with a slap.
“Bye mom! Bye Sam!” she practically yells back into the vehicle. Before she glances to the door and sees Amber standing by the entrance to the school. Suddenly Amber wants to hide, but Tara’s face lights up and she rushes over in her direction before she can change her mind and head inside. “Amber! Hi!” She waves quickly before practically sprinting up to her.
“Hi Tara.” Amber says softly, looking down at her shoes, suddenly her adidas tennis shoes were the most interesting thing in the world.
“What are you doing outside, it's kind of chilly out here?” Tara says, wrapping her arms around herself and Amber finally notices the slight breeze.
“I was waiting for uhm…I wanted to walk with you to class.” Amber mumbles, feeling embarrassment creep up in her chest by the admission. Tara just smiles brightly and quickly links her arm with Amber’s as she pulls her into the double doors to the elementary school
“Well my older sister just got into a fight with my mom on the way here and I am super excited to tell someone about it. Apparently she thinks it's embarrassing that our mom drops her off at the front of her school and I tried to tell her; Sam that means you don't have to walk as far and it's cold outside. She ignored me though and I have no idea why, I mean that's the smarterer thing isn't it?” Tara starts rambling and Amber is just tense from the sudden contact as she gets drug down the hallway towards what she assumes is Tara’s classroom. Suddenly they're stopped in front of an open classroom and Tara is staring at her waiting for an answer to her question but if Amber was honest, she didn't hear a single thing she had said.
“What?” Amber says slowly peeling herself away from Tara’s grasp, she feels slightly cold now in comparison to when Tara had her hand wrapped around her bicep.
“I know right!? What is she thinking? She's silly. Anyways! This is my class. I'll see you at recess!” Tara says quickly wrapping her arms around Amber's frame, slamming their bodies together before quickly skipping into her class. Amber stood completely frozen for a moment, her whole body stiff. Something shifted in her as she realized that Tara is in fact a talker, she just sits quietly for Amber’s sake at recess. Something in that realization makes Amber's chest feel warm. If Tara can sit in silence for 30 minutes for Amber then she can handle 5 minutes of listening to her in the mornings when they walk to class.
Amber nods once making up her mind that she needs to make sure that she is here early to walk Tara in every morning, she will have to start picking out her clothes the night before. But Tara seemed so happy to tell anyone about her sister and mother, and that is enough to be worth it for Amber.
Recess comes a little slower that day. Amber is tapping her pen against her desk, willing the clock to tick forward faster. When it's finally time she stands up and is one of the first kids in line to go outside for the first time in her life.
She quickly drifts to her little spot around the corner, sitting in the grass with her eyes closed and just letting the wind blow through her hair for a minute before she hears soft steps approach her. She opens her eyes to see Tara staring down at her with a kind smile.
“Hello friend.” Tara says and Amber's chest cracks open as her heart soars at that new development, she can't stop the smile cracks her normal scowl.
“Hey.” Amber says, tucking her head down to hide her face behind her hair.
“Your smile is pretty!” Tara practically squeals, grabbing Amber’s cheeks with both of her hands in an instant to get a better look before plopping down on her knees in front of Amber. Amber’s whole body tenses and Tara quickly drops her hands from her face “You don't like when I touch you? I noticed this morning.”
Amber's heart stops, a fear that she has upset Tara fills her chest.
“No, I'm…I'm just not used to it.” Amber stutters out “I don't mind when you do it. It's just new.”
A smile tears across Tara’s face, she opens her mouth to say something as she reaches for Amber’s shoulders. Before she can make contact a large red rubber ball smacks her in the cheek with a loud pang. For a moment everything freezes as Tara’s eyebrows knit together in pain and she grabs her cheek as it reddens from the impact, but as soon as she opens her eyes again there are tears in them and her lip starts to wobble in a delayed reaction from the pain.
Amber is on her feet before Tara can blink and the first tear can fall down her face. Amber looks over to where the ball had come from and she sees Devin and a few other boys snickering and pointing at Tara’s crumpled form. Something inside of Amber snaps at the sight, suddenly she is moving on auto pilot as she swiftly runs over to where the ball has rolled a few feet away. Lifting it in her hands and spinning it to gather the weight before she spins around slowly with a dark look in her eyes. She glances over and sees Tara sniffling but looking up at her with wide eyes, tear streaks staining her round face.
Amber takes it in for a moment before spinning around on her heels, winding back and throwing the rubber ball with all her strength. It flies through the air in a straight line, catching Devin off guard as he turns just in time for the rubber to make contact with the center of his face, causing him to fly backwards, the velocity and surprise from the impact knocking him from his feet.
Amber huffs out a singular breath before tilting her head slightly and silently charging at the boy as quickly as possible, closing the distance between the two of them in moments. She lands on top of him, rearing back her fist and punching him sporadically in the chest over and over. Devin lets out a high pitched squeal from underneath her, he starts sobbing for her to stop. Amber doesn't slow her punches even when she hears a distant whistle being blown behind her and a small crowd all rush in as children circle around her, pointing and laughing at the boy beneath her as he screams in terror. Her heart starts pounding with adrenaline as a second smile creeps across her features. The rage settles into her chest at the same time that she is lifted into the air by a teacher.
“Amber! STOP!” She finally hears, her ears ringing and her heart pounding as she is dragged into the air and carried back to the school building “We are gonna call your mother young lady” The unknown teacher says sternly. But Amber makes sure to swivel her head to find Tara, still sitting in the grass. Her eyes are wide, no longer wet, just fully enraptured with Amber. Tara’s eyes don't leave hers until the door to the school removes her from view.
Not long after she is shoved into the car with her mother with a week of out of school suspension. She doesn't hear all of the words her mother drags on about. Nothing about her having to miss work, or how she could lose a sale cause she has to stay home with her now. All she can hear is her heartache because now she has to go seven days without seeing Tara again. Seven days without the calming comfort that she gets from those 30 minutes sitting in silence. A month ago she would have loved the idea of sitting alone in her room just reading. But now, something about the silence of that room pulls at her chest when the silence is so much better shared with her.