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Jack found himself shifting out of unconsciousness with an arm that had gone completely numb. Rose's body was reposing within the curl of his own, her shoulder digging into his bicep at an uncomfortable angle. He carefully extracted his arm and rolled to lie on his back, discovering the Doctor sitting up in bed on his other side, reading a book in the dim light of a side lamp.
“Sorry,” the Doctor said under his voice, “did I wake you?”
Jack waved a hand and turned on his other side to face the Doctor instead, speaking in a hush.
“Nah, don't worry about it. Whatcha reading?”
He turned the book over to catch the light, and Jack read: Terran Fungi and their Properties.
“Sounds riveting.”
“Excuse you, Jack, it happens to be fascinating. Did you know, there is an Amazonian species, ophiocordyceps unilateralis, that infects ants and turns them into zombies, compelling them to climb to higher plants so that the invading fungus can grow from their heads and release spores from a higher location.”
Jack smirked affectionately at the haughty, exaggerated offense that the Doctor so often used as humor.
“I stand corrected. That's… terrifying.” He reached a hand out under the blanket and found the Doctor's bare thigh. He snuggled in a bit closer, and felt a large hand stroke his back. “Don't sleep much, do you?”
“Perfectly normal amount for a Time Lord,” the Doctor replied, closing his book and putting it aside, “I was gonna make tea. Want some?”
“I'll join you,” Jack said, as Rose made a noise of annoyance in her sleep and pulled the blanket tight around herself. The two men slipped out from under the blanket, donned a layer of clothing each, and left Rose to sleep undisturbed.
Perching on a stool at the kitchen island, Jack rested his chin on his hands and watched the Doctor putter, putting the kettle on and pulling snacks from the cupboards. He had a tiny secret smile on, and was humming softly to himself. It was wonderful to see the Doctor looking so content, cheerful when it wasn't just a mask for others’ benefit. Jack wasn't about to draw attention to the man's glowing new zest for life, in case he jinxed it, but it was infectious.
The Doctor placed a mug in front of Jack's face, and set to cutting cheese for crackers.
“Any ideas where we should go next?” Jack asked, “I've always wanted to see the ice falls at Caradan.”
The Doctor didn't answer at once, finishing laying out the cheese and crackers on a plate and bringing them to the island before speaking.
“I've been thinking about that,” he said seriously, sitting on the stool to Jack's left, “in particular about your plans.”
Jack's stomach hollowed unexpectedly.
“What do you mean by my plans? Like, as opposed to you and Rose?”
The Doctor frowned, “what? I'm talking about the plans you had before we met.”
Jack relaxed slightly, realizing that, no, he wasn't about to be asked to leave. A silly thing to keep being worried about, maybe... He'd been accepted as a permanent resident of the TARDIS now, but the Doctor hadn't always been so sure about him. Logically, Jack knew that after all they'd been through, and with all they were to each other now, the Doctor wasn't about to abandon him, and Rose even less so… but the old fear of being left behind was hard to overcome.
“I was just realizing we did sort of derail you, didn't we? I seem to recall you had particular aspirations when we met. To return to the Time Agency and somehow… get back what they took from you.” The Doctor took a stack of cheese and crackers and popped them all into his mouth. Then he sat up straighter to consider Jack, crossing his arms frankly across his chest. “Your memories. Am I wrong?”
“No, you're right, that was the idea. Though I never really had a timeline in mind… or an actual plan…” He sat up and crossed his arms as well, considering. “If I'm honest, I'm not sure where to start. I know the agency inside and out, which means I know how tight security is. They have to have particularly strong precautions in place when everyone has access to a vortex manipulator. And of all people, they're not gonna let me just walk in the front door…” He gave a rueful smile, “Infamy has its costs.”
“You don't have to tell me. You're not the only petty criminal on board.”
“That so?” Jack raised his eyebrows, delighted that the Doctor was letting him in on a confidence.
“You've opened the book of my life in the middle, Jack! Take some time to get to know me,” the Doctor said, grinning. As a con man, Jack could see the familiar twinkle of pride in his eye, the particular flavour of satisfaction that came from something a little nefarious done well. “Not saying I made a career of it like you have, mind. And I stood trial on Gallifrey… more than once, as it happens…”
“You're a regular fugitive!” Jack laughed, and the Doctor's smile dimmed a little.
“Well. Once upon a time.” He took a deep sip of tea. “... No one to hide from anymore.”
Jack sobered, feeling infinitely stupid. The Time War. He put a tentative hand on the Doctor's knee. After a second, the other man took his hand and squeezed. Then he set down his mug and clapped his hands together.
“So! That still the goal, or are you prepared to live with amnesia?”
“Oh, I dunno…”
Jack stood suddenly, patting his stomach and pulling open the fridge, staring inside, but he felt the Doctor's narrowed eyes watching him closely.
“Jack.”
He sighed and closed the fridge door.
“I… don't know if I wanna see them anymore.” The Doctor only watched him, silent and assessing. “I mean… I don't know why it happened.” Still, the Doctor waited wordlessly for Jack to elaborate. Jack huffed out a humourless laugh and cast his eyes around the kitchen. “Listen, you know me, right? And you know what sorta…” He trailed off and huffed again before beginning again. “Look I'm not saying traveling with you two has changed me in some profound way.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“Just don't want your ego inflating more than necessary,” Jack said, cracking a flirtatious smile. The Doctor returned a chuckle, but his eyes had softened, a little too knowing.
“... You're afraid to find out you might have been in the wrong. That you might be ashamed of your actions.”
Jack dropped his eyes to the floor, leaning his hands on the counter behind him.
“Hey, you know how much I hate being wrong.”
The Doctor ignored the joke and let silence hang between them for a minute or two. Finally, he stood and joined Jack, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed. The solid arm against his had a similar effect as a cup of hot tea, soothing and steadying at once.
“I had the impression when we met you were already a little afraid of that.”
“I guess.”
“Is that really why you never tried to get them back?”
Jack's insides felt like they were being slowly destroyed with a magnifying glass in the sun. He raised and dropped his shoulders once. The Doctor hummed softly and thought for another moment.
“Thing is, Jack… I don't believe you've changed as much as you think.”
“Still think I'm a scoundrel, do you?” He tried to make it a joke but it didn't quite land.
“No,” the Doctor said simply. “I don't.”
It wasn't a glowing compliment, so it was odd that this should fill Jack's heart so profoundly. It was beginning to dawn on him that the Doctor's good opinion mattered to him more than anyone else's in the universe. After a moment, the Doctor went on.
“I think I've gotten to know you pretty well Jack. I won't pretend we've always seen eye to eye… but I think I know how far you'd go. I've seen the limits of your… supposed, self described self serving morality… and I've seen what sorts of lines you wouldn't cross. That's the sort of thing that doesn't change over a few months’ influence. It's innate. Instinctual. And when you're in jeopardy, Jack, you aren't as mercenary as you like to pretend.” The Doctor looked over at him. “I don't think you ever were.”
Jack's burning insides clenched, simultaneously glowing.
“... How can you really know that though?”
The Doctor sighed, then turned to face Jack.
“I'm not going to tell you you have nothing to worry about. We all do things… we're not proud of. If I had the option to erase a few years…” The Doctor faltered, and Jack put a worried hand on his waist. A split second later, though, he had shaken free of the distraction. “You don't have to go looking for your memories if you'd rather leave it in the past. I won't judge you for that.”
He stepped a little closer, cupping Jack's jaw in one sturdy palm.
“But whatever happened, I don't believe it would change my opinion of you.” He took Jack's face between both hands. “You're a good man, Jack.”
While Jack's heart sputtered back on, the Doctor pulled his face a bit closer, kissing him gently. Jack gripped the Doctor's shirt, trying to quell slightly shaking hands. A tightness he hadn't realized was in his chest had loosened, releasing anxious energy through his limbs. After a minute, the Doctor released him, smiling reassuringly.
“I'm gonna go do some work. Get back to bed and keep our girl warm.”
And with another peck, the Doctor took his tea and left for the engine room.
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