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Uncle Duties (and Other Poor Decisions)

Summary:

When the Pikes leave for a week, Shane and Ilya end up in charge of Arthur and Amber. It should be simple. It is not.

There are sacred Hot Wheels being gently destroyed, cinnamon rolls that somehow become a full kitchen event, a car that now has emotional support stickers, and one very quiet kid who deserves the world (and gets two masks instead).

Featuring Ilya being a menace in the group chat, Shane trying to maintain order, and both of them realizing this might be their favorite kind of chaos.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

The Pike house is chaos even on a normal day, but tonight it’s the good kind.

Everyone is gathered around the dinner table, plates half-full, conversations overlapping, the kind of noise that feels familiar without anyone really noticing when it became a habit. It started as occasional dinners, then turned into something more regular, until somehow they all just… showed up once a month without planning it.

Shane is seated beside Ilya, automatically reaching over to help Amber untangle a bracelet from her sleeve while still half-listening to whatever Hayden is saying.

“So we’ll be gone for a week,” Hayden says casually, like he’s just mentioning the weather.

It doesn’t fully register at first.

It’s only when Jackie adds, “Jade and Ruby have summer camp, so it’s just Arthur and Amber,” that things start to click into place.

“And they’re staying with your parents?” Shane asks, still focused on the bracelet, gently pulling it free.

“That was the plan,” Hayden says, taking another bite.

Arthur, who has been quietly building something with legos in the corner even during dinner, doesn’t look up.

Amber, however, does.

“I want Uncle Ilya,” she announces suddenly, loud enough to cut through everything.

Jade, already halfway out the door with her bag, spins back. “Yeah, can they stay with you guys instead?”

Ruby nods immediately from across the table. “It’s more fun there.”

Hayden blinks, looking around like he’s lost control of his own house. “This is not a democracy.”

“It should be,” Jade says.

Jackie laughs under her breath, shaking her head. “They do have a point.”

Shane finally looks up, glancing at Ilya.

Ilya is already nodding like the decision has been made five minutes ago.

“Yes,” he says. “We take them.”

“You didn’t even think about it,” Shane says.

“I did,” Ilya replies. “It took one second.”

 


 

That’s how, two days later, Shane and Ilya find themselves standing in their living room with Arthur’s small suitcase and Amber’s backpack, which is mostly snacks and one very serious stuffed bunny.

Jackie kneels in front of Arthur. “You’ll be okay?”

Arthur nods, quiet as always. “Yeah.”

Amber wraps herself around Jackie for a quick hug, then immediately lets go and runs to Ilya.

“Uncle Ilya!” she says, like she’s been waiting all day for this exact moment.

Ilya picks her up without hesitation. “Yes, malyshka. You are here now.”

Hayden eyes him. “Try not to teach them anything illegal.”

“No promises,” Ilya says.

Shane sighs. “We’ll be fine.”

Jackie smiles. “We know.”

 


 

Instead of finding Arthur drawing, Shane finds him sitting on the floor with a small pile of Ilya’s Hot Wheels cars spread neatly in front of him. Not scattered. Not chaotic. Carefully lined up like they matter.

Shane pauses.

Because he knows those.

Everyone knows those.

Ilya’s collection is usually off-limits. Not in a strict way, but in a quiet, understood way. Something he keeps for himself.

Arthur picks up one car, inspecting it gently before rolling it forward in a slow, careful line.

“You like those?” Shane asks, sitting beside him.

Arthur nods. “They’re cool.”

From the kitchen, Ilya glances over.

Shane expects him to react.

Maybe not badly, but… something.

Instead, Ilya walks over slowly, stopping just beside them.

Arthur notices immediately, his hands going still. “I’m being careful,” he says quietly.

“I see that,” Ilya replies, just as quiet.

There’s no tension in his voice. No edge.

He crouches down beside Arthur, not taking the car away, just watching for a moment.

“You line them up very nicely,” he adds.

Arthur looks at the cars, then back at him. “Yeah.”

Ilya nods once. “You can play,” he says. “Just… gentle, okay?”

“I am,” Arthur says, a little more certain this time.

“I know,” Ilya replies.

Shane blinks.

“You’re just letting him?” he asks under his breath.

Ilya shrugs slightly. “He is careful. That’s enough.”

Arthur rolls another car forward, slower this time, like it matters.

After a moment, Ilya reaches for one himself, placing it beside Arthur’s.

“This one is fast,” he says softly.

Arthur’s eyes light up just a little.

 

Jackie, Ilya, Shane, & The Other One

Ilya:

arthur is currently driving my rare cars like professional

Hayden:
your WHAT cars

Ilya:
my hot wheels collection. the expensive ones

Hayden:
you let him touch those??

Ilya:
he has good energy. i trust him more than you

Jackie:
😭

Shane:
he’s being really careful actually

 


 

Amber is not climbing Ilya like their usual plays.

She is standing on a chair in the kitchen, very serious, wearing one of cute yellow pjs like it’s a uniform.

“I’m making,” she announces.

“You are making cinnamon rolls,” Ilya corrects, standing close behind her like a very attentive assistant.

“I’m the boss,” Amber says.

“Yes,” Ilya agrees immediately. “You are boss.”

Shane leans against the counter, watching as Amber aggressively stirs something that definitely does not need that much force.

“Gentle,” Ilya says, guiding her hands slightly. “We do not fight the dough.”

“It’s sticky,” Amber complains.

“That means it loves you,” Ilya replies.

Amber considers that.

“Okay,” she says, accepting it instantly.

Flour ends up everywhere.

On the counter. On the floor. On Ilya.

Shane watches as Ilya carefully helps Amber shape something that vaguely resembles a cinnamon roll.

“It’s perfect,” Ilya says.

“It’s round,” Amber says proudly.

“Very round,” Ilya agrees.

 

Jackie, Ilya, Shane, & The Other One

Ilya:

we made cinnamon rolls

Jackie:
WE???

Ilya:
amber is head chef. i am assistant

Shane:
kitchen is a disaster

Ilya:
artistic process

Hayden:
last time “artistic process” happened i lost a frying pan

Ilya:
that pan was weak. it was its time

Shane:
I am currently cleaning flour off the ceiling

Jackie:
why is there flour on the ceiling??

Ilya:
emotional impact

Hayden:
i leave my kids with you for one week and you turn them into bakers??

Ilya:
they were already bakers. i just guided destiny

Shane:
also i was forced to eat one

Hayden:
forced??

Ilya:
he was very dramatic about it. said “my body is a temple”

Shane:
it is a temple

Ilya:
now it is a temple with cinnamon

Jackie:
did he actually like it

Shane:
…yes

Hayden:
HA

Ilya:
he smiled. it was suspicious

Shane:
do not start

 


 

They are supposed to be leaving.

That’s the plan.

Shane is grabbing keys. Ilya is putting shoes on Amber, who is somehow already holding a sheet of stickers.

That should have been the warning sign.

By the time Shane opens the car door—

It’s too late.

Amber is already in the front seat.

And the entire front compartment is… decorated.

Stickers.

Everywhere.

Bright, mismatched, unapologetic stickers.

On the dashboard. Near the air vents. One dangerously close to a button Shane definitely needs.

Shane freezes.

“…Ilya.”

“Yes?”

“Why are there stickers on my car?”

Ilya looks.

Pauses.

“She is expressing herself.”

Amber beams. “Pretty!”

Shane blinks slowly. “It’s permanent.”

“Everything is temporary,” Ilya says.

“That’s not—” Shane stops. “Why is she in the front seat?”

Amber pats the seat proudly. “I sit here.”

“No, you don’t,” Shane says immediately.

Ilya gently lifts her out. “We move to back. Safety first, malyshka.”

Amber pouts for half a second.

Then nods. “Okay.”

Shane looks at the car again.

More stickers than before.

He doesn’t remember that many.

He turns to Ilya.

“You’re cleaning this.”

Ilya shakes his head. “No. This is memory now.”

 

Jackie, Ilya, Shane, & The Other One

Ilya:

my niece redesigned my car

Hayden:
your niece???

Shane:
there are stickers everywhere

Ilya:
it is now beautiful

Hayden:
SHANE??

Shane:
we’ll talk later

Jackie:
okay I’m sorry 😭 I didn’t know she was going to do THAT much

Shane:
it’s fine. she was happy

Ilya:
car has personality now. it is improved

Jackie:
thank you for not being mad

Shane:
it’s okay. we can clean it later

Ilya:
we do not clean art

Hayden:
I am going to ignore that last message

 

 

Arthur walks quietly beside them, hands tucked into his pockets.

Shane crouches slightly. “You can pick something, you know.”

Arthur looks up. “Anything?”

“Within reason,” Shane says.

“Very big reason,” Ilya adds.

Arthur nods and walks through the aisle slowly, like he is thinking very carefully about it.

He stops, looks, then reaches for a Spiderman mask.

He turns it over in his hands, studying it like it matters a lot, then hugs it closer to his chest.

Shane smiles. “Good choice.”

Arthur hesitates for a second. “Only this?”

“Only this is already good,” Shane says gently. “If that’s what you want.”

Arthur nods, holding it a little tighter.

Later, when he tries it on, it sits so loose on his face, the eye shapes a bit too big, but he doesn’t fix it right away. He just stands there for a moment, as if getting used to being someone else.

“I am powerful,” he says quietly from behind the mask.

Ilya nods, completely serious. “Very powerful.”

 

Jackie, Ilya, Shane, & The Other One

Ilya:

arthur now owns spiderman identity

Jackie:
of course he does

Hayden:
thank you for taking care of them

Ilya:
we are doing excellent job

Shane:
they’re doing really good

Ilya:
i am favorite uncle now

Hayden:
relax

Ilya:
no 😌

 


 

That night, Amber refuses to sleep alone.

“I sleep here,” she says, already climbing into their bed.

Shane looks at Ilya.

Ilya shrugs. “She has decided.”

Arthur stands in the doorway, hesitant.

“You can come too,” Shane says gently.

Arthur shakes his head. “I’ll stay in the other room.”

“Okay,” Shane says. “We’ll leave the door open.”

Arthur nods, relieved.

---

Later, when the house finally quiets, Amber asleep between them, Ilya stares at the ceiling.

“She trusts us,” he says.

Shane nods. “Yeah.”

There’s a pause.

“I think we are good at this,” Ilya adds.

Shane glances at him. “We’re getting there.”

Ilya turns his head slightly. “We keep them?”

Shane snorts softly. “They have parents.”

“Unfortunate,” Ilya mutters.

Shane nudges him. “Go to sleep.”

Amber shifts closer to Ilya, her small hand gripping his shirt.

Arthur’s door stays open down the hall.

And for the rest of the week—

It feels less like babysitting.

And more like something they already know how to do.

Together.

 


 

BONUS

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov✅@IlyaRozanov81

future is looking very strong 💪

@hollanov8124: STOP THIS IS SO CUTE

@shanesass: THEY’RE TINY 😭

@huntermyboo: WHOSE KIDS ARE THESE???

@HaydenPike: wtf those are my kids??

@IlyaRozanov81: are they?

@HaydenPike: yes???

@IlyaRozanov81: last time i checked they belong to jackie. no father listed

@ilyarozmybaby: I AM SCREAMING

@pikebeast: ilya vs hayden again 😭

@JackiePike: they look adorable ❤️ thanks Uncle Ilya and Uncle Shane!

@IlyaRozanov81: they are thriving under my leadership

@HaydenPike: don’t encourage him

@ShaneHollander24: everyone relax. kids are fed and safe

@shanebubble: SHANE BEING THE REFEREE AGAIN

@skip4ever: amber in ilya’s jersey 😭😭😭

@rozanovaxxx: arthur looks so proud i’m crying

@HaydenPike: give me my kids back

@IlyaRozanov81: no

Notes:

please bear with my editing skills.

i'm not good with html looool

i just love how domestic ilya and shane can be around kids soooo i made this

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