Chapter Text
Eren Yeager. He was a titan shifter, a little hot-headed, and annoying at times, but he was alright. Most of the time. Unfortunately, as his personal nurse and caretaker, I was stuck with him whether he was at his best or his worst. One was more appealing than the other, go figure.
I sat across from him, making notes as he boredly stared at me and at the table beside me, which held a row of needles and serums.
“Can we get this over with?”
He’s always been like that. Impatient, wanting to do everything in too short a period of time. Life doesn't work that way, though. Lucky for him, his two close friends, Armin and Mikasa, were far more cautious.
"We will," I said with a calm voice. "Just a few more moments."
He grumbled something under his breath, crossing his arms across his chest and tapping his foot impatiently. "How long's a few more moments, exactly?"
He never took medical exams or treatments too well. They were always uncomfortable and annoying; in his mind, anyway. He also seemed like he didn’t trust the doctors or nurses, especially not me.
"Half an hour," I said as I prepared the first medicine. It was a small amount, in a small syringe, so I had to be extra cautious. After I was done, I gestured towards Eren. "Turn around and lift your shirt," I commanded. "This one is going to be injected in your lower back. Tell me immediately if you feel anything, whether it's good or bad."
Eren did as told, turning his back to me and lifting his shirt. He was not happy about the situation and didn't even try to hide it.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you if something's wrong. Just get it over with, alright?"
He couldn't see me, so I rolled my eyes before pushing the needle into his skin. I didn't touch him. I didn't comfort him. I emptied the syringe and pulled it back in less than a second. No blood came out, a sign that I didn't touch any vein. Exactly what I wanted. Eren's body tensed up slightly as the needle pierced his skin. He gritted his teeth, clearly not enjoying this whole procedure, but he didn't complain and let me finish the injection without any comments.
Once I was done, he quickly dropped the back of his shirt and turned to face me again.
"There, happy now?"
I didn't even look at him. "My happiness doesn't have anything to do with that," I replied, cold and careful. I didn't like the way he talked to me, like it was my fault for anything that happened to him.
Eren rolled his eyes. "Well, excuse me for not being ecstatic about getting poked and prodded like a damn lab rat," he replied sarcastically. "I mean, who wouldn't enjoy getting stuck with needles and having strange liquids injected into their body, right?"
“Sarcasm won’t help you in this situation, Mr. Yeager,” I replied as I prepared the second shot, to be done in the back of his head. It was the most dangerous one.
Eren sighed heavily, but complied, lifting the back of his shirt again and turning around once more. "Yeah, yeah, I know. But that doesn't mean I have to like it... Just get it over with, nurse."
"Take it off completely," I instructed. "Find a comfortable position and stay still as much as you can, alright? You can't move. It has to be done perfectly."
He did as I said. I noticed the scars immediately; long, thin ones across his upper back, one of them reaching his neck. I looked at them for a few seconds, then I moved my gaze up. I wanted to ask him about them. I saw the scars at every appointment, yet there was some shyness that stopped me from asking further. The question was, though, perched on the tip of my tongue every single time; my curiosity was inevitable.
"Go on, I know you want to ask," he muttered. "You always do."
"What?" I asked, pretending to be surprised. "I don't... I don't want to ask anything."
The needle went right into his skin with a firm gesture, but I tried to be as gentle as I can, both when I inserted it and when I pulled it out of his flesh. Eren was right; there was no pleasure in being injected every month. But, as always, he stayed still, not a single muscle moving.
"Please, save your act. You've been eyeing my back with curiosity every time I come for these damn exams. I can tell you've been itching to ask about the scars," he chuckled keenly. "So, go on. Just ask the damn question."
I put the syringe away. "Fine," I gave up, maybe too easily. "How did you get them?"
"The bigger ones are from when I was trapped inside a Titan’s mouth, and the rest are from the times when I turned back into a human. A reminder of the battles I've fought and the hardships I've endured, if you will."
But there was more to them than that. There was a deeper pain, a darkness that lurked beneath the surface. He was not ready to reveal that part yet.
I didn't answer anything. There was no comment to be made; I just prepared the third, and last, injection. Eren turned his head to see what I was doing.
"Did you ever see a Titan, nurse Jens?" he asked me suddenly.
"A Titan? Why do you ask?" I was not expecting him to switch topics so abruptly, but there was a curiosity here. He just kept looking at me, so I had no choice but to answer. "Yes. Multiple times."
Eren shifted his whole body towards me. His body language was clear; he wanted to know more.
"I saw the titans who destroyed the wall," I continued. "It's not a day I want to remember, but I am glad to be alive."
Eren's gaze was intense. Could he sense the pain and sadness that lingered beneath my calm exterior? I couldn't tell.
"Did your family and friends... make it?" he asked.
I forgot completely about the injections and needles, and I didn't even realize it. I leaned against the metallic surgical table and crossed my arms in front of me, like I was protecting myself from an unseen enemy. "Only my niece. My sister's daughter." My voice was steady, uniform, maybe too uniform. It was a memory that still haunted me. My crossed arms acted as an invisible shield, protecting me from the vulnerability that threatened to overtake. Perhaps Eren understood the heaviness of the topic, which is why he didn't prod further after the atmosphere turned quiet, solemn even.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
"A lot of people died that day. No matter who you ask, they all have at least a relative who died in Trost. You lost your family too," I said. I finally uncrossed my arms and turned to face the table.
Eren's eyes were still on my back; I felt them burning into my skin, making me smaller. It was the tone of resignation in my voice, coupled with the way I hunch over the table of syringes, that striked a chord within him. He couldn't see my face, but he could sense the vulnerability beneath my composed exterior, beneath the way I held myself despite the loss I've endured, and it reminded him of himself. It was a burden that only those who have seen the cruelty of titans could understand.
"Last injection for today," I changed the subject, preparing the last syringe. "I'll see you here in exactly two weeks. Please, don't forget about it like you did last time."
Eren nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I won't forget this time, I promise," he muttered, a hint of annoyance in his voice. He knew he couldn't afford to neglect these appointments again.
"You can put your shirt back on. This one goes in your upper hand," I said.
"Just make it quick, alright?"
"I always do," I replied and, without any hesitation, I pushed the needle into his skin. I injected it quickly and removed it in less than two seconds. Another successful shot.
I knew Eren was really resistant to pain, and the whole "please be quick, it hurts" was just a lie to annoy me. He was young, born two years after me, but he was strong. Determined. Stiff as a rock, and even colder than one. He wanted perfection from himself and everyone else.
After I was done, he muttered a quiet "Thanks" under his breath, the word almost inaudible. It surprised me; he has never said thank you before.
"You really should talk more," the comment left my lips before I could even think of stopping myself.
Eren's eyes widened, and surprise flashed across his face. "Why should I? I talk when I have something to say, and silence is preferable to mindless chatter."
"You see, Mr. Yeager, there's always something to say, if you think about it. Am I not right?"
Maybe I should've shut up and let him leave immediately, like I did every single time without any small talk. But this time, I felt more lonely than usual. More anxious. There was something building up inside me, and I felt the need to talk to someone about anything, even if was just, as Eren said, mindless chatter. I didn't want to bother anyone, though. But he was here, and I knew he had some free time, so why just let this opportunity escape?
Eren studied me for a moment, contemplating. "Fine. I suppose there's always something to talk about. But I can guarantee that most of it isn't worth mentioning."
I gestured towards a small but comfortable chair. "You can sit there. I'll bring you some tea. Or do you prefer coffee?"
He took a seat, sinking into the chair with a sigh. "Tea, please," he replied, his voice a bit gentler than usual. "Never have been fond of coffee. Makes me too restless."
"You're too restless already, Mr. Yeager. Tea it is."
I let the white coat fall from my shoulders before taking it off. Underneath, I wore a black shirt and a skirt in the same color. Simple clothes, but I liked to add some sparkle: a golden chain my mother gave me and a bracelet. I put the teapot on the fire and let the water boil while I made a quick search through the plants I've harvested for this type of occasion. Finally, I found what I wanted: mint and dry cherries.
"What are you making?" Eren asked.
"Mint and cherry," I replied without turning to him. I put two cups on the table, and while the water was boiling, I cleaned the table of the needles and syringes.
Hange Zoe, the woman who recruited me, didn't have a special room as a doctor's office or anything. Instead, I made the substances in one of the rooms of my own house. And the house was small, so everything was small here; I couldn't say I was bothered, though.
"You live here, don't you?"
"Yes." I was still focused on the tea, or at least I wanted to be, so my answer came out short. I heard Eren chuckling behind me.
"I thought you like to talk," he said with a hint of irony. I almost rolled my eyes at the sarcastic remark.
"Yes, Mr. Yeager. I live here and work here. It's a very nice place."
Eren grinned. Maybe it amused him to see the usually stoic nurse getting irritated. "Must be lonely," he commented. "Living and working in the same place."
The tea was done. I gave Eren one of the cups and took one myself, then sat in a chair, facing him directly. "It isn't. I go outside a lot. The substances I'm working with can't be found inside. Neither are my patients."
Eren took the cup, his fingers brushing against mine for a brief moment before he pulled back. He held the warm tea in his hands, taking a small sip. "So I'm just one of many patients to you," he said.
"You're the special case. The others are common, almost all the time. Besides, Hange Zoe hired me to be your personal nurse first, and the Survey Corps' nurse second."
Eren never liked being called special or singled out, but he couldn't deny the truth in my words. "Lucky me…" he muttered sarcastically, taking another sip of his tea. "You've been tending to me for how long now?"
The tea was hot, too hot, and I was amazed by how Eren drank it. "A year, Mr. Yeager. A year next month."
Eren's eyebrows shot up in surprise at my answer. A whole year, already. He's spent a year under my care, letting me inject him with strange substances and poking needles into his skin. "A year."
"It's... neither a long time nor a short time. I hope you don't die, though. Or myself. There are still many mysteries to discover about your body, how it regenerates itself, how it can be so resistant. Sometimes..." I shrugged. My eyes flickered up and down for a second. Eren's body was strangely... normal. But inside, there were so many things happening.
"Sometimes what?" Eren set his tea down. "You sound like you've discovered something about me that I don't even know myself."
He leaned forward, with his arms resting on his knees. I took another sip, the tea burning my mouth and throat. The feeling was sharp and painful, but it gave me time to think about how I should formulate the answer. "Sometimes I think that your mind does wonders. You're a slave to your own ambitions, thoughts, and morality so much that your body just... follows it without any choice."
Eren let out a scoff. "Is that what you see when you look at me? Some mindless puppet driven by its own ambitions?"
"You're not... mindless." My voice became slightly softer, but I blamed the burn in my throat and put my cup aside. I placed my hands on my knees, and I wanted to hide away from Eren's judging eyes. "Er... Mr. Yeager," I corrected myself at the last moment, "your mind is so strong that it influences the body a little bit. Something I've never seen."
Maybe it was just my imagination, but his gaze seemed to be softening as the intensity in it faded. "Too strong, huh? And what makes you think that, nurse?"
I frowned. "Everyone knows you have the strongest will in the Survey Corps. And in the whole city, probably. At first, I just believed the rumors. Then, I had the chance to see it for myself."
"Yeah, I get that a lot. People always talk about my willpower, my drive to keep moving forward… But what else? You said you saw it for yourself."
I suddenly realized he is too comfortable. The way he sat, the way he looked at me, the way he talked, all of it showed that Eren was in his element.
But he was still in my house, so I made myself as comfortable as him. I let myself relax against the soft chair, and I desperately wanted to unbutton the first button of my shirt; it was too tight. But I didn't dare to.
"Well..." I licked my lips, trying to come up with an answer. The thing is, sometimes I eavesdrop at their secret meetings, and I heard Eren all the time. He's the most brutal one there.
Eren's smirk widened. "Go on. I'm listening."
"I've heard about how fierce you are in battle. And I was there when you punched Jean for... well, I don't know what for, but you seemed pretty determined about it," I came up with half the truth.
“Punched Jean? That was nothing. He had it coming. Talking like he knows what freedom means while standing there in the safety of the walls.” His jaw tightened slightly, but then he glanced up at me with narrowed eyes. “I have a feeling that you’ve heard more than that little scuffle.”
The air shifted. The warmth from the tea no longer felt comforting. Eren was watching me like he already knew exactly what corners of those rooms my curiosity has crept into.
“Go on,” he said again, almost daring me to cross that invisible line.
I wanted to do something. Grab my tea, unbutton the damn shirt that makes me lose my breath, tell Eren that he can leave. But I cannot.
The thing is, I was afraid of Eren Yeager.
Not scared like you'd be scared by a dog, or by a bully who beat you. Something deeper, darker. I knew what his mind and his body could do. Hange told me every week about his titan form, how angry and strong it is, and the human form is the same.
He didn't do anything to me, ever. Didn't touch me with a finger. But every time after he leaves, while I clean all the substances I extract or put in him, I thought about how dangerous he is. And no one seems to realize it.
"I've heard things. From Hange Zoe, from Captain Levi..." my voice didn't tremble, was steady and cold. I couldn't tell him I've been eavesdropping, for God's sake!
"And what did the Captain and Hange say about me?"
He could sense the fear; the subtle change in rhythm of my breath, the slight shift in my body language. I knew he won't let it go. He never did.
"How fiery you are. Hange is impressed by your titan form. Captain Levi says you're good in combat. I make my own conclusions from there," I answered, my voice dropping a bit. I crossed my legs, trying to hide the nervous tic I get when I'm stressed, tapping the floor repeatedly with my feet.
“So that’s it,” he murmured. “You’re afraid of what I can do.”
I blinked, trying to hide my surprise. Simple words, but holding the truth I thought I would be better at hiding.
“You think I don’t know what they say behind my back? That I’m reckless? Uncontrollable? That when I shift… there’s no telling whether the enemy or my own comrades are in danger?”
I didn’t reply, and the silence was stretching like a live wire between two poles ready to spark.
“And yet,” he added after a while, “you still stick around. Why?”
He saw through me.
I was ashamed. Not that I'm a hard person to read, but...
I unbuttoned the damn shirt, finally. Only the first button, enough to breathe in some air.
Was it worth trying to argue with Eren? Saying he's not right? Probably not. He saw what he saw, and he's known me for a year, even if our interactions were brief.
"Mr Yeager," I began, now with slightly more air in my lungs. "I am... afraid. But everyone else has faith in you, and you never disappointed them. We don't know what the future brings, but for now... I'll stick around. Just to see."
"Just to see," he parroted back. "You're brave in a strange way." Eren's gaze held mine, "Are you only staying to witness my success? You said it yourself: everyone else has faith in me."
He leaned back in his chair, this time a bit less rigidly, his shoulders dropping an inch. He was listening, truly listening, not just for the words, but for the meaning behind them. For the silent things that I was leaving unsaid.
Everyone else, but you. That's what he meant, perhaps.
The nervous tapping stopped (I don’t even remember it starting, though). I stayed still, trying to control my body that betrayed me right now. I knew that Eren saw potential enemies and traitors everywhere, and he didn't like them a bit. I had to be careful about what I said. I wouldn't want a mad Eren Yeager coming to see me every two weeks.
"Faith is a strange concept to me. I can't blindly trust anything, or believe in anyone. Science is precise. I don't have faith in something. I see if it works or not, and I make my decision based on facts. Same thing with people, no matter who they are."
I spoke like a scientist dissecting truth under a blade of logic.
And yet… he smirked. A slow, sharp curve of his lips that didn’t reach his eyes, but was real anyway.
“You’re good at this,” he said. “Talking around the truth without lying. But let me break down your science for you then. You said it yourself: my body listens to my mind. And right now my mind is telling me two things."
He lifted one finger into the air. "One: You're afraid of me. And you should be."
Then a second finger raised. "Two: You're still here. Even though you could've refused this duty from Hange a year ago... even though most nurses would've requested reassignment after their first time seeing me shift… So maybe faith isn't your word. Your actions speak louder than any hypothesis."
I felt like my soul was dragged out from my body, put on display, and analyzed by his eyes.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. My mouth opened, my mind rushed trying to find words... but what could I possibly say?
Deny in vain? Everything he said was the pure truth. I was afraid of him. And even if I hated to admit it, I had some sort of... admiration. I wouldn't call it faith, but he saw it as faith.
Eren glanced at me once more before he rose from the chair. The conversation was over. He took his jacket and headed towards the door.
Something made him pause. Maybe uncertainty, something in the back of his mind that hasn't been resolved. His hand was poised on the doorknob, but he didn't open it, and he didn’t look at me.
“Is there… anything you do believe in, nurse?”
I got up from the chair as well, stepping closer to him. It would have been rude not to lead him to the door. My shoulder brushed against his briefly. "Myself," I admitted. "I always believe in myself. Even if that means I'll be disappointed sometimes."
“Yourself,” he repeated. “That’s… acceptable.” Perhaps I heard a note of respect? Who could say?
He finally opened the door, letting in a thin shaft of warm light that slices across the floor.