Chapter Text
August 5th 1989
Dear Mike,
I am leaving for New York today, but I can't leave until I am honest with you. I wish I could say these things in person, but that thought terrifies me. There are so many things I should have told you, but I was scared, Mike, scared I would lose you forever. All my life, I never thought I would tell you something that might make you leave, but if I don't, I will never get over the pain these feelings bring me. I'm in love with you, Mike. I think I have been in love with you since the day we met on the swings. I didn't know what love even was, but around you, I felt a sense of peace I'd never had before. Sometimes it feels like we have always been connected, as if destiny brought us together.
I remember when we were younger, I barely spoke, but you always knew what I was saying just by looking at my face. Remember when people got so used to you answering for me that they stopped asking me and asked you instead? You read me the way no one else could, not even my mom or Jonathan. I truly believe that my life started when I met you on the swings; we became one that day. It was never supposed to end. I'm not sure if it will end once you read this letter. I am praying to a God who hates me for loving you, that you won't.
When I look at you, it feels like a wave is knocking me over, and I can't breathe. The feelings wash over me every time, no matter how hard I fight for them not to. I never want to look away. I want your face to consume my every waking moment. But I can't do that, Mike. I had to hide the shame of feeling this way for years, the guilt I felt looking at you in that way while you were with Jane, my own sister. It was never right for me to feel jealous of her, but I always was. I wanted you to love me the way you loved her. I wanted you to be mine. I wish I didn't feel this way, Mike. I wish this part of me would disappear, but I don't think it ever will. I don't want you to pity me if you don't feel the same way; in my heart, I know you don't.
But Mike, sometimes you do things with me that you don't with Dustin or Lucas, and it drives me crazy. It might just be my mind playing tricks on me, but I don't know Mike. The way you glance at my lips multiple times in one conversation, the way your voice softens when you talk to me, the way you constantly have to be the one to protect me, and the subtle touches only meant for me. Mike, I read your body language like it is Shakesphere. I don't even know if you notice the way you act around me, but I do constantly, and it has been eating me alive.
Do you remember the painting I gave you in the van? I lied, Mike, I lied. Jane never commissioned the painting; she had nothing to do with it. That day, I thought I could build up the courage to tell you how I felt, but how could I? How could I when your girlfriend, who also happened to be my sister, was in danger, and so was Max. It was selfish of me to even think I could do that to Jane in the first place. But Mike, the speech I gave was mine, not Jane's. All of the words that left my mouth that day were about how you made me feel. When I'm around you, I never feel different; I feel loved, I feel accepted. You made me feel like it was okay to be myself; you made me feel like my life mattered.
I hope you don't think I am a coward for not being able to say these things to your face, but I was too afraid to see your reaction. I was unable to see our friendship crumble into the earth, as if it never existed, because of the words I told you. I love you with everything in me, Mike Wheeler. You will be on my mind every second while I'm at NYU. I never thought we would live to see the day when we were more than ten minutes apart.
Mike, however you feel after you read this letter, I will understand. I will not contact you until you decide to contact me. I don't want to pressure you to talk to me. Take all the time you need, just know I will be waiting for you, I will wait at every center of every universe for you.
Forever and always
Love,
Will the Wise.
Will stared at the letter in tears; the truth he could no longer contain in his mind spilled out onto the page for the person he loved so deeply to read.
He never believed he would build the courage to tell Mike. He believed he would let the unspoken words kill him slowly, the unrequited love to burn the ends of his happiness over and over.
It was not until the week before he left that he decided he had to speak his truth, no matter the consequences. Every look at Mike's face made him feel like he was gasping for air, gasping for an answer to what the energy between them meant.
Yes, he has always loved Mike, but the love has started to suffocate him; the words in the letter were the only way he could breathe again. It got to the point where he no longer tried to hide it. Every time he looked at Mike, and he glanced back, Will's eyes didn't falter. His eyes stayed on the beauty and peacefulness that Mike made him feel. He no longer cared if his feelings were obvious to Mike; he wanted him to know, he wanted him to realize, without the aspect of Will having to tell him.
The last week gloomed over him; the times he had tried to be obvious never worked. Even with all the hints Will left, Mike never said anything or acted differently toward him. All the feelings Will felt for Mike were seeping out of his core, like a dam ready to break. He knew it was his last chance to be honest, so he was. He was honest when everything in his being told him not to be.
Will never wanted to say it in a letter, but he already used all his courage even to tell Mike in the first place. He knew deep down that the only way the words would leak from him would be with a pen and pencil. Will carefully folded the letter, placed it in the envelope, and quickly licked the seal. As a tear rolled down his cheek, he labeled the envelope "Mike the Brave".
Will has always been wise; his DND characters name was true to himself. He already had a plan carefully set in motion so he would not have to hand the letter to Mike himself. Will had already planned with Joyce and Hopper for them to stop by Mike's before they drove him to New York to set up his dorm.
Last week, Will purposely left one of his jackets in Mike's room. After their goodbye, he would tell him he needed to get his jacket. Will would then go upstairs, place the note perfectly on Mike's favorite spot on the left side of his bed, grab his jacket, and leave. It was the only way to get this done without Will losing every piece of sanity he had left.
Will tossed and turned as he tried to sleep, his mind whirring.
Not only was he about to start a whole new life, but he was putting his love out in the open for Mike to see. He started to think about all the possibilities: maybe Mike would realize his love for Will, maybe he would never talk to him, maybe he would be disgusted. Will still had an ounce of hope that maybe the love would be returned; the slight hope was the only thing grounding him. The thought of Mike Wheeler loving him back calmed his racing mind and soothed his breath, allowing him to fall into a deep sleep.
Will woke up to his alarm blaring; he hurriedly turned it off and lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling. He was leaving for New York today and also leaving a letter for Mike, admitting his love.
His head started to swarm with anxious thoughts; he considered not leaving the letter for Mike, thinking it might be better. The letter could be a death sentence to the friendship he has relied on since Kindergarten. A sudden knock on the door jolted him back to reality.
"Will you need to start getting ready so we can pack the car and have time to stop by Mike's?" Joyce said frantically.
"Okay, okay, I'm getting up," Will said as he hurried out of bed.
Will put on a pair of his favorite black jeans. He slid over his favorite sweater, a yellow sweater with hints of blue. He always loved the outfit, especially the glances Mike would give him when he wore it.
Will brushed his teeth, put on his black Converse, and made his way to the kitchen. Joyce made his favorite breakfast: French toast, always slightly burnt, with a side of eggs and bacon. Will realized he would miss her cooking, because he started to love things slightly burnt, since they always reminded him of her.
Joyce walked over to him and kissed his head, then hugged him so hard Will almost choked on his orange juice.
"I'm so proud of you, Will. After all you have gone through, you deserve this. I will miss you so much, though. You have to call me every chance you get, okay?" Joyce said, eyes glassy.
"I love you too, Mom, and I promise I will."
"You better she says after she plants another kiss on Will's forehead."
After they finished eating, they spent the next hour packing the car, placing Will's most important items in the car that would take him to New York, a place without the comfort of his family and the party. Will believes he should be excited, but a part of him feels like the younger version of himself when they moved to Lenora. Terrified to leave Hawkins even after all the pain it caused, he knew he would miss the warmth and comfort his friends and family always provided him.
Will has dreamed of going to NYU as long as he can remember, but he also does not want to leave behind his family, and, of course, Mike. The other members of the party are also planning to go to school out of state. Dustin is going to California to attend Caltech, Lucas is going to North Carolina to attend UNC, with Max following him, and Jane is in another country, hiding from the military. For some reason, Mike decided to stay at Indiana State, which Will still never understood why he would want to stay here alone.
Will almost thought of asking Mike if he should stay here with him, but he knew the answer would be no. Mike would never want to hold Will back, and he knew how important it was for him to move to New York, to escape Hawkins and the pain it caused him. Yet Will still feels guilty for leaving Mike alone here; he wants him to be happy, too, not stuck in a place that forced them to lose most of their childhood.
As they pulled into the Wheelers' driveway, a home he knew too well, he felt his stomach churn. He felt the letter in his pocket, the letter that held years of unsaid emotions, the years of yearning all spilled out onto the pages. Will knew this was his last chance to be honest, to free himself of the words he should have let free years ago. He was going to do what he always wanted to do, admit his love for Mike, even if it would be the thing he regrets the most.
Will walks up to the front door and knocks. Mrs. Wheeler answers with a smile on her face.
"Hi Will, she says while hugging him. Are you excited for New York?"
"Yes, I am, but a little nervous," Will says with a soft smile.
"Don't worry, Will, I know you will love it up there, and you will make so many friends. You are the sweetest kid I know, but please don't tell any of my kids I said that," Karen says with a soft laugh.
"I won't, I promise," Will says, chuckling.
"Mike Will is here, come say your goodbyes," Karen yelled upstairs.
Mrs.Wheeler whispers to Will as Mike was coming down the stairs, "He will miss you a lot, Will, I hope you know that." Will smiles with relief at the words Mrs. Wheeler said to him; it gives him hope that Mike could love him back.
Mike runs to Will and hugs him the tightest he possibly can, which causes Will to blush.
"Hey Mike," Will says while smirking at him.
Will looks up at Mike, and he sees a faint red flush on Mike's cheek, which causes his heart to flutter.
"Hi Will," Mike says with a soft smile.
"Will I am going to miss you a lot? This feels like Lenora all over again." Mike said, looking down at the ground.
Will thought back to Lenora when Mike visited, and how, for most of that visit, Mike had sworn he never missed him at all. He had to push the sadness of his thought aside because Mike was in front of him, for the last time in a while.
"I am going to miss you so much, Mike, and just remember, after Lenora, we will come back, we will always find each other." Will knew he was blushing, but he didn't try to hide it; there was no point, since Mike would know how deep his love was for him once he saw the letter.
“Promise?” Mike asked, as a tear started to fall down his cheek.
”I promise,” Will said as he pulled Mike in for one last hug.
"Mike before I leave, I forgot my jacket here last week. I am going to grab it real quick." Will said as he rushed up the stairs.
Will walked into his room and placed the letter perfectly against Mike's pillow on the left side of the bed, grabbed his jacket, took one more glance at the letter, and shut the door. He walked down the stairs, acting as if he did not just put his heart on a platter, a platter for Mike that he would either enjoy or discard like trash.
Once he got back downstairs, Mrs. Wheeler gave Will one more hug, while tears fell from her eyes.
Mike looked at Will and pulled him in for a hug as he whispered in his ear, "I will make sure to call this time, Will, it won't be like Lenora, I promise."
Will's throat tightened as he attempted to push his tears down, praying those words would still be truthful once Mike read his letter.
Will glanced up, and Mike's eyes were glassy too; at least he wasn't alone in this feeling of sadness.
"I will be safe, and Mike, I'm still your best friend; no one will replace you," Will said with a saddened smile.
"No one will replace you either, it's impossible," Mike said, lips trembling.
As Will walked out of the Mike’s home he felt tears start to form. He waited until he got into the car to let his tears fall. He silently sobbed in the car as he passed the houses and roads he had seen every day; the familiarity of knowing a place for so long would no longer be his anchor. Although deep down he knew he needed to move, to a new place where he was not known as 'Zombie Boy', a place where he would find out who he is, without the constant reminder of his childhood trauma looming over him. Will glanced at the 'Welcome to Hawkins' as they passed, realizing Mike might have read his letter, or he could be reading it at this very moment. He felt his stomach churn once the realization hit him that the letter, spilled with the truth of his love, might make him lose Mike Wheeler forever.