Chapter Text
Sandbox love never dies.
That explained it all, really. That explained why Jackie had stayed her best friend after all these years, even now that they didn't have a lot in common like they used to. It explained every party they went to together despite her being somewhat of an outsider in the popular clique and it explained every shadow of an argument that they chose to forget.
It didn't explain why Shauna had fucked Jeff.
Nothing could, really. Not even Shauna could explain it. She could try and excuse it, disguise it - he and Jackie were broken up. The first time it happened, at least -, but she couldn't explain it. She didn't know why she did it. She didn't wanna know. She was fine being left in the dark, ignoring - or at least trying to ignore - the guilt drilling a hole in her heart every time her lifelong best friend so much as mentioned her own boyfriend's name. She knew it had been wrong, she knew it was stupid, but there was no turning back now, and she had been in too deep to stop it before she did.
This too shall pass. Someday.
Someday this will all be in the past. Someday Jeff and Jackie will break up for good and the guilt will dissolve. The name Jeff will be nothing but a fading memory. A tree fallen in a forest far away. Someday they'll be drinking age and they'll get wasted half to death and laugh their guts out at the thought of Jeff and Jackie's once upon a time relationship, and Shauna will be able to freely tell her friend all the ways in which they were so totally wrong for each other without it starting a fight. Someday she'll be able to laugh with Jackie and look into her eyes, with no fear of what her own might tell her, again.
Someday she'll be able to look in the mirror and not see the shadow of her self-proclaimed best friend.
But now's not someday. And now, 1996, they're in senior year, and Shauna's finally married the idea of staying away from Jeff for once and for all, and of keeping "them" a secret.
Now, Shauna's watching Jackie from the bleachers as she warms up for soccer alongside a few of the others. She carefully eyes the way the sun catches in her golden hair, and feels almost dazzled by it. It made her feel small to get carried away by such tiny things.
As Jackie playfully practices with Van now, Shauna watches in a trance. When Jackie successfully kicks the football into the goal and raises her arms mid-air in a celebratory fashion, Shauna's smile is automatic, and she feels a warmth inside watching the grin on Jackie's face. Jackie turned to look at her almost immediately, smiling wide, and Shauna watches her as her eyes' camera slows down. Shauna clapped and cheered at her friend, lost in the moment, not realizing that the same second she had looked for her in the crowd, Jackie's eyes had also disappeared from her sight.
Suddenly, Shauna sensed a different kind of warmth that struck her down and out of her trance; a face near her's.
"You're totally lesbi-gay" At Mari's words and Lottie's laugh and nod of approval, Shauna scrunched up her nose. That was ridiculous, she said to herself, not letting the thought linger for too long though the words echoed in her head.
"What? She's my best friend" Mari and Lottie laughed at Shauna's answer, innocently looking at each other, unaware of the short-circuit they had just caused in the brunette's brain.
"Yeah, okay, Melissa Etheridge, keep telling yourself that..." Lottie added, and Shauna could hear even Akilah laugh from behind.
Huh.
Practice was over before Shauna knew it and soon enough she was driving Jackie home, like usual. A new tape had made its debut on Shauna's radio. Tiger Trap. The twee sound of "Super Crush" filled the car, and Jackie thought it kind of funny.
"This is unusually upbeat for you, Shipman"
"What, am I supposed to be some sort of Misery Chick cliché?" Shauna deadpanned, earning a giggle from Jackie. A short silence followed, the kind of silence that neither of them ever really knew how to handle.
"Hey, I got something to show you" Jackie said with a twirl of her finger. She reached into her backpack and took out a crumpled black and white flyer, a stark contrast to her preppy appearance, and held it to level her face with an expectant smile. "You and me are so going out tonight"
"Uh, what?" Now this caught Shauna by surprise. She took the flyer from Jackie's hand as she stopped at a red light and examined it, skeptic. "What is this?"
"This totally hot new band called Low Shoulder, they're from Seattle" Jackie emphasized the 'Seattle' and accentuated it with a lift of her eyebrows, never taking her eyes off of Shauna.
"Are you trying to impress me?" Shauna deadpanned with a half smile. "Since when do you like grunge?"
Jackie huffed. "They're not like, grunge grunge. More like, radio-friendly alternative rock? Very Smashing Pumpkins. I just know you're gonna love them, Shipman. We are so going tonight"
"I don't know about that..." Shauna said with a near eyeroll, but no real malice behind it. Deep down, she knew Jackie would wear her down eventually, and that she'd do whatever she asked of her.
"Oh, come on! It'll be fun, I swear. And like, everyone's coming... Besides, the lead singer is such a babe" Jackie bit her lip as she said it, her eyes dead set on Shauna. Shauna was far too aware of Jackie's sight piercing through her, and it made her feel weak. She didn't like hearing Jackie speak of a guy that way - for some reason. Oh yeah: she's gonna get hurt, she told herself, and I'm gonna be left to pick up the pieces -, but at least it wasn't fucking Jeff this time. They were broken up for the thousandth time and thus the guilt felt shallow, but not at all unpresent.
Maybe that was why Jackie always got away with everything. She had her wrapped around her finger by a thread of stomach-turning guilt. Shauna quickly discarded that idea, though. She swallowed her pride and decided it was best to get it over with. A shitty band at a sketchy venue is not the end of the world.
"Fine, whatever... I'll go, but only to keep you company" Shauna said, defeated but not angry, as Jackie cheered. "I bet they suck anyway"
The words came out harsher than she had intended them to, tasted bitter on her tongue, and she felt a slight shift in Jackie's attitude. She was now looking out the window, appearing rather wistful. God damnit.
A shared silence followed, broken only by the sound of the tape. As soon as the music was over, Shauna was the one to defy the deafening atmosphere. She'd make it up to Jackie through the tiny things, the same ones that were enough to break them.
"You can put something on the radio" Shauna said earning a tired smile from Jackie, and soon the sound of music filled the car once more. Take That's Back for Good. What a fucking awful excuse of a song, she thought, but Jackie seemed to like it.
And that was enough.
It wasn't all that complicated, though her feelings suggested otherwise. She always ended up giving in to her friend's desires, she always had, ever since they were little.
Jackie always gets what she wants.
And Shauna fucking hated that.