Chapter Text
A/N: Credit to Renowned Wolf for helping me with a couple ideas.
Scene opens on an unassuming diner. Mr. Wolf is shown stirring a cup of Coffee with a spoon. A Newspaper called the City Times displays the headline "Meteorite on Display at the Gala for Goodness".
Mr. Snake: Stop.
Mr. Wolf: I'll stop if you please explain it to me, because I don't-
Mr. Snake: Would you please just drop it?
Mr. Wolf: All right, all right, fine, fine, fine. It's dropped. Consider it dropped. It's on the ground.
Mr. Snake: Good.
Mr. Wolf: (sips Coffee) But, I mean, come on. Everybody loves Birthdays. You got decorations, you got balloons, you got parties and cake.
Mr. Snake: Look, I don't need presents, I don't want decorations, and I'm not a cake guy.
Mr. Wolf: Seriously though, you don't like Cake? Name one food better than Cake.
Mr. Snake: Guinea Pig.
Mr. Wolf: Ugh. Again with the Guinea Pig. (Chuckles) I bet if I blindfolded you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a Skunk and a Guinea Pig.
Mr. Snake: Wrong. Snakes have impeccable taste buds. I can taste air.
Mr. Wolf: Air?!
Mr. Snake: Yes. Air. (slurps) Nice.
Mr. Wolf: I don't know. They're a little, uh, a little cute for my taste.
Mr. Snake: That's what makes them so delicious. You're not justing eating food, you're eating pure goodness. It's not about the Pig. It's about what it symbolizes on a deeper level.
Beat
Mr. Wolf: So...you can taste Air? What else you got?
Mr. Snake: Forget about it.
Mr. Wolf: Can you also hear Color? (chuckles) Can you see sound? 'Cause we should really be capitalizing on these skills!
Mr. Snake: Okay, all right, fine. Get it all out. Get it all out now.
He vomits up a Clock.
Mr. Snake: Look at that. 4:00 PM. Now I know the exact moment our friendship died.
Mr. Wolf: (laughs) Let's bounce.
Mr. Snake: Yep. (swallows clock again)
They both get out of their booth. Camera pans to show several terrified diner patrons huddled in the corner.
Mr. Wolf: Tastes like you're gonna stick me with the bill again.
Mr. Snake: Well, it is my birthday.
Mr. Wolf: So now you play the birthday card? That's interesting.
They walk up to an empty counter.
Mr. Wolf: Can we get a check, please, when you get a chance?
No response
Mr. Wolf: (leaning over) Hello? Checkity-check-check. You know what? We're just gonna leave the money right here. Okay?
He pulls some money out of his coat and leaves it on the counter before also putting some in the tip jar.
Mr. Snake: You know the one good thing about this place?
Mr. Wolf: What?
Mr. Snake: We never have to wait for a table.
Mr. Wolf: Well, isn't that every place?
Mr. Snake: (to more terrified patrons) Hey, man. How you been? Haven't seen you since- snake attack!
The patrons cower in fear while he chuckles.
Mr. Snake: Oh, mints. (swallows whole bowl)
Mr. Wolf: Sorry, folks. I'm switching him to decaf.
Both of them move towards the exit.
Mr. Wolf and Mr. Snake: Let's to this.
They head out into the street. Mr. Wolf pulls out his phone and texts "We're heading over. Get ready"
As the two of them cross the street over to a bank, every human citizen screams in fear and runs off, with some even abandoning their vehicles.
Mr. Wolf: Guinea Pig, huh?
Mr. Snake: It's the Rolls-Royce of Rodents.
Mr. Wolf: Yeah, but it's still a Rodent. You know what I mean?
The two of them enter the bank.
Mr. Wolf: Don't mind us. Just robbing the place.
Several patrons and tellers freak out and hide.
A guard unholsters his taser and points it at them with quivering hands.
Guard: H-h-hold it right there!
Wolf and Snake look at each other and chuckle.
Mr. Wolf: You sure you know how to use that thing, pal?
Guard: Both of you s-s-stay right where you are! Or I'll-
He's cut off as another guard walks up next to him and punches him in the face, knocking him out.
The guard takes off his hat and sunglasses, revealing himself to be you in disguise. You are shown to be muscular German Shepard with a scar over one of your eyes.
Y/N: Sorry, Gary.
Mr. Snake: Here's the thing I don't get, Y/N. How did a German Shepard like you manage to fool all of these people into thinking you're a regular guard?
Y/N: Same way humans are dumb enough to fall for any of Shark's disguises. Now let's get to it!
The three of you run off and grab whatever you can carry. Mr. Snake grabs a safe, Mr. Wolf grabs sacks of money, and you fill a duffel bag with gold bars before jumping through a window.
Wolf and Snake rush to their car in an alley while you hop on your motorcycle.
Mr. Wolf: Go bad...
Mr. Snake and Y/N: Or go home!
Mr. Wolf turns and addresses the audience.
Mr. Wolf: Hey, you. Get over here. Little bit closer. Oh, I know what it is. You're afraid because I'm the...Big Bad Wolf!
Scene cuts to several books depicting Wolves as antagonistic.
Mr. Wolf: Well, I'm not surprised. I am the villain of every story. Isn't that right, Mr. Snake?
Mr. Snake is shown cracking the safe open.
Mr. Wolf: Say hello to Mr. Snake. Serpentine, safe-cracking Machine. Imagine Houdini, with no arms. Kind of guy who'd tell you that the glass is half-empty, then steal it from you. He's also my best bud. (sing-songy) And today's his birthday!
Mr. Snake: Not relevant.
Mr. Wolf: (throwing his arm around him) He's a sweetheart. You're a sweetheart.
Wolf gestures towards you on your chopper.
Mr. Wolf: Over here, we have Y/N L/N aka Mr. Shephard.
Y/N: I told you, Wolf. I'm not going with that. Putting "Mr." in front of my species isn't creative for an alias.
Mr. Wolf: Funny thing, Y/N's old man used to be a Cop.
Y/N: Yeah. Until he got (yelling in German) VERMASSELT VON EINEM KORRUPTEN UND VOREINGENOMMEN SYSTEM!
A/N: screwed over by a corrupt and prejudiced system
Mr. Wolf: He's my second-in-command and one half of our muscle, helps me plan our capers and is a martial arts master. Oh yeah, and he yells in German when he's mad.
Several sirens wail in the distance. Wolf looks in the rearview mirror and sees several Cop cars.
Mr. Snake: Well, look who's here.
Mr. Wolf: Took 'em long enough
Y/N: Time to roll out the Welcome Wagon.
You fall back and start speeding towards the incoming Cop cars.
Cop 1: What's he doing?
Cop 2: I don't know!
You continue rocketing towards them
Cop 2: Is he trying to ram us?!
You keep a steely gaze on your face as you continue on your trajectory. The driver panics and swerves, crashing into another Cop car. Another cop car behind them crashes into them and flips over onto it's roof.
You rev the engine of your chopper and wheel around, following on the same path as Wolf and Snake.
Mr. Snake: (seeing the crash) Kid's still got moves.
Mr. Wolf: (chuckling) I swear, he only bought that thing so that he could show off. (to the audience) Watch this.
Scene cuts to Ms. Tarantula crawling on a traffic light before pulling out a laptop
Mr. Wolf: Three. Two. One.
Tarantula hits a button on her laptop and all of the traffic lights turn green.
Mr. Wolf: And over here is Ms. Tarantula. Our in-house hacker, our pocket search engine, our traveling tech wizard. We call her Webs.
Montage shows Tarantula performing various hacks and leaving a digital calling card behind.
Tarantula turns all of the lights red again before jumping into Wolf's car. Several Cop cars are trapped in a massive traffic jam
Mr. Wolf: Very slick, Webs.
Y/N: HA! I love watching you stick it to those incompetent donut munchers!
Ms. Tarantula: I also took over the police dispatch, blurred their satellite imaging system, grounded their chopper, (sing-songy) and one more thing.
Mr. Snake: You didn't...
A delivery driver on a motorcycle holding a cake pulls up along-side the car.
Driver: I got a special delivery for...
He suddenly realizes what he's surrounded by.
Driver: Ah! Don't eat me!
Wolf grabs the cake while he panics.
Driver: (losing control) Please don't eat me!
He swerves back, causing several Cop cars to swerve out of the way and crash.
Y/N: Damn. I need to learn how to do that.
Ms. Tarantula: Happy Birthday, Mr. Grumpypants.
Mr. Snake: I think I hate you.
You drive through a construction site, where a worker motions for the crane to drop a pallet of Portable toilets, blocking off several officers.
He then sheds his disguise, revealing himself to be Mr. Shark, and hops on the car.
Mr. Shark: Guys, it's me. I was the construction worker!
Y/N: We know, Shark. We went over the plan this morning.
Mr. Wolf: And this is Mr. Shark. Master of disguise. Apex predator of a thousand faces. His greatest trick; stealing the Mona Lisa disguised as the Mona Lisa. Dig that.
Mr. Snake: (Being crushed) Watch it, Big Tuna! I'm trying to work here!
Mr. Shark: Keep it cool, baby. (snapping a party hat on him) Birthdays should be chill.
Mr. Wolf: And rounding out the crew...
Scene cuts to the horde of police cars. The officer driving hears thumping from the glove box and gives it a suspicious look before Mr. Piranha bursts out.
Mr. Piranha: Surprise!
He beats up the cop before jumping through the windshield and landing in the getaway car
Mr. Wolf: ...is Mr. Piranha, the second half of our muscle. He's a loose cannon with a short fuse, willing to scrap with anyone or anything. He's brave. He's fearless. Uh, who am I kidding? He's crazy.
Y/N: True, but he always has my back when we're fighting off a bunch of suckers.
Mr. Piranha: You know it, Chico! (laughs) Santo cielo, that's a lot of po-po.
Ms. Tarantula: Uh, Piranha, did we forget something?
Mr. Piranha: What?
Mr. Shark: The Present! You know...
Mr. Piranha: Oh, uh...of course I didn't forget. (farts)
Ms. Tarantula: You know you fart when you lie, right?
Mr. Piranha: What? No, I fart when I'm nervous.
Ms. Tarantula: Yeah. Nervous about lying.
Piranha's stomach rumbles before he lets out a massive fart. The rest of you start gagging, choking, and coughing.
Ms. Tarantula: Piranha!
Y/N: I thought I'd finally be able to escape that when I bought this thing!
The fart proves to be so bad that several cops who smell it end up spiraling out of control.
Mr. Wolf: Yeah, they're a bit eccentric, but when you're born us, you don't exactly win, many popularity contests.
Flashbacks showcase several members of your crew going about their day, with several citizens freaking out at the sight of them.
One in particular shows you walking into a coffee shop.
Barista: German Shepard!
Everyone runs away screaming. You roll your eyes, pick up an abandoned latte, and slam a five dollar bill on the counter.
Mr. Wolf: Do I wish people didn't see us as monsters? Sure, I do. But these are the cards we've been dealt, so we might as well play 'em.
Mr. Snake finishes cracking the safe open.
Mr. Snake: Jackpot!
You swerve through an alleyway and arrive...in front of a police station. The passenger side door flies open and the safe hits the pavement.
Ms. Tarantula: What the Thorax?
Mr. Piranha: Are you crazy?
Mr. Shark: Y/N, talk some since into him.
Y/N: Relax. It's all part of the plan. Besides, this is another chance to humiliate-
Scene cuts to the inside of the police station
Officer: Chief! It's-
Chief Luggins: Them!
She kicks open the doors to the police station.
Mr. Wolf: Webs...
Y/N: Hit it.
She pulls out an Ipod while you all put sunglasses on and ride off.
Chief Luggins: Get them! And leave L/N to me!
A legion of police cars takes off after you.
Chief Luggins: I'm gonna put you guys away for so long, your fleas will have fleas!
She uses her baton to wedge the gas pedal and leans out the window to grab onto the getaway car.
Mr. Shark: Chief. You want some cake? You seem a little hangry.
Chief Luggins: Get that thing out of my face! Where's L/N?!
Ms. Tarantula: L/N?
Mr. Snake: Never heard of him.
Mr. Piranha: You feeling alright?
Mr. Wolf: Oh...you mean the guy about to make an even bigger fool out of you.
Chief Luggins: What?!
They all point forward with a smug expression, showing you rocketing towards her on your chopper, before swerving at the last second, sending dust and debris all over her windshield. You then pull up next to her, sandwiching her between you and the getaway car.
Y/N: Hey, Luggins. I talked to my old man the other day. He said that even back when you were partners (speaking German) sie qualifizierten sich kaum als mench. (cackles)
A/N: You barely qualified as human.
Chief Luggins: Hey! I don't know what you said, L/N, but I'm betting it was offensive!
She tries to ram you, but you rush forward, pull one of the gold bars out of your duffel bag and smash it into in her car hood, before prying it open and smashing the engine.
Chief Luggins: No! No, no, no!
Her car stalls unexpectedly, leading to a massive pile up as you and the gang drive off. Only one car manages to get through.
The driver pulls up alongside you while the passenger aims his taser at you.
Passenger: Pull over and put your hands in the air!
Y/N: (nonchalantly) Ok.
Cops: Really?!
Y/N: No!
You punch out the driver before reaching in and unlocking the driver side door, dumping his unconscious body into the street. The passenger panics and grabs the wheel, but the car flips over onto its' side while you speed ahead.
Scene cuts to you arriving at your lair, filled with the treasures you've stolen over the years. Wolf clears a table off and puts Snake's cake down while you grab a Beer from the fridge.
Y/N: Alright, Piranha. You're up.
Mr. Piranha: (singing) Oh....Happy bir-
Not having any of this, Mr. Snake blows out the candles immediately.
Mr. Wolf: Snake, come on. At least make a Toast.
Mr. Snake: Fine. I've made a lot of enemies in my time. I mean... a *lot*. But out of all the people in the world, I hate you guys the least.
Mr. Wolf: To Mr. Snake and his strange dislike of birthdays.
He pulls out a camera.
Mr. Wolf: Everyone say "robbery"!
He snaps a group photo. Mr. Piranha then jumps on the table and devours the cake, much to the disgust of Wolf and Tarantula.
Mr. Snake puts the picture among many other group photos and gives a rare smile before pulling out a push pop.
Mr. Shark: I forgot we had those Push Pops. Man, my tummy is rumbling like a kraken right now.
Mr. Snake: Yeah. Want it?
Ms. Tarantula: You know he's not gonna give it to you.
Mr. Shark: No, I believe that deep down Snake is a kind and generous soul.
Ms. Tarantula: Why?
Mr. Snake: Here. Take it.
Mr. Shark: Oh, yeah! Pop me, please.
Snake offers it to Shark before swallowing it in one gulp.
Mr. Snake: Sucker!
Mr. Shark: Come on, man. Now you gonna make me get all aggressive.
He tackles Snake, instigating a fight between the two of them, Tarantula, and Piranha.
Mr. Wolf: Animals.
You sit in a chair with your legs propped on the armrest while Wolf sits on the couch and turns on the TV, showing news of your heist.
Mr. Wolf: Guys, guys, stop it! We're on TV!
Everyone else joins Wolf on the couch while Tarantula sits on your shoulder.
Tiffany Fluffit: And as you can see here, the notorious criminal Y/N L/N punched out the officer driving this vehicle and dumped him into the street...while still driving his chopper.
Ms. Tarantula: I still can't believe you did that.
Mr. Piranha: I saw him do it in person and I'm still dumbfounded.
Mr. Wolf: That's why he's one half of the muscle.
The news then cuts back to show Governor Diane Foxington making a statement.
Y/N: (referring to Diane) Oh, hello now.
Ms. Tarantula: (teasing) Oh, does mister big and bad have a thing for the Governor?
Y/N: Am I not allowed to find women attractive?
Mr. Snake: You totally have a thing for her, dude!
Mr. Shark: It's kinda obvious.
Y/N: Just because she's bangable doesn't mean I'm in love with her. Besides, it's more than what any of you got going on.
Mr. Wolf: Quiet, they're about to talk.
Diane: Listen, listen, now we all know how dastardly The Bad Guys are.
Mr. Wolf: You bet we are!
Diane: But more than anything, hehe, I feel sorry for them.
Mr. Wolf: What?!
You raise an eyebrow.
Diane: These so-called "Bad Guys" are really just second rate has-beens. Behind their amateurish antics, and frankly, unoriginal capers, I mean really another bank, is nothing but a deep well of anger-
Mr. Piranha: I'm not angry, you're angry!
Diane: Denial-
Ms. Tarantula: (crossing arms and turning her head) That's not true!
Diane: and self-loathing.
Mr. Snake: The only one I self-loathe is you!
Diane: And those are holes no amount of money or priceless art can fill.
Mr. Wolf: Who is she to judge us? (Growls)
Diane goes on to explain about the upcoming Gala and how she'll be handing the Golden Dolphin award to the year's Goodest Citizen before Mr. Wolf shuts off the TV.
Y/N: That is one feisty Vixen, she went straight for the fucking jugular. Ha! (takes a drink)
Ms. Tarantula: Oh, you definitely have a thing for her!
Y/N: Yeah, I wanna bang her, what of it?
Mr. Piranha: Even after that disrespect just now?!
Y/N: Doesn't change that she's got curves for days. Not to mention that piercing in her left eyebrow looks kinda cute.
Mr. Snake: You're just a government lapdog, aren't-
You grab him and get in his face.
Y/N: (through gritted teeth) Never call me a government lapdog. (drops him)
Mr. Wolf: Guys...who's up for another job? A big one.
He moves a blind up, showing a billboard featuring the Golden Dolphin award.
Mr. Snake: The Golden Dolphin. Seriously?
Mr. Piranha: I thought Y/N and I were the crazy ones.
Mr. Snake: That job has broken every criminal who's tried it. The Bucharest Bandits, Lucky Jim-
Mr. Shark: The Crimson Paw.
Ms. Tarantula: Actually, the Crimson Paw was never arrested.
Mr. Shark: Yeah, but he never stole anything again.
Mr. Wolf: Snake, what better way to wipe that smirk off the governor's fuzzy face than stealing the Golden Dolphin from right under her whiskers? This is the Holy Grail of thievery. If we pull this off, we'll cement our legacy as the greatest criminals of all time. And we'll get Y/N some one-on-one time with his girlfriend.
Y/N: She's not my girlfriend! (growls)
Mr. Snake: Y/N wanting to get dommed by the Governor aside-
Y/N: Hey!
Mr. Snake: I thought we weren't supposed to make things personal.
Y/N: It's pretty risky, Wolf. But I'm game if you are.
Mr. Wolf: You're right. It's too risky. The Dolphin Job is off.
Mr. Snake: Good.
Mr. Wolf: I guess the Pig will get his trophy after all.
Mr. Snake: Pig? What do you mean "Pig"?
Mr. Wolf: Oh, did I forget to mention?
He lifts another blind, revealing the recipient; Professor Rupert Marmalade
Mr. Wolf: What do ya say, Snakey? Better than Cake.
Mr. Snake: Ok. Fine. But he better be delicious.
Mr. Wolf: Are we all in this together?
The six of you put your hand on top of each other's.
Y/N: Let's go steal a Dolphin.
End of Chapter.