Chapter Text
Chapter One – Jay
No one tells you that the fog of war doesn’t end when the war is over. The sounds, and the smells, it all stays with you. The searing stress that exists in that zone still feeds your nervous system as you try to rest. Jay knew this all too well, he knew the effect that it had on people around him, and on himself from within his desperately noisy mind.
He’s signed up to the Army at eighteen, not really thinking much about what he was getting himself into. He had heard all of the stories that people had told him, listened to the recruiters explain what life would be like, but he hadn’t really taken it all in. He was strong, naïvely so, and he needed to be. Looking back now, if he’d really understood what he was getting himself into, he probably wouldn’t ever have signed up. The things that his unit had seen, and the things that they had had to do, were so far beyond what he’d imagined. He’d seen people who he’d thought were solid, collapsing under the guilt and the trauma of war. It was ugly, and seeing the worst of humanity so intensely made it hard to remember that there was good in the world.
He had only signed on for two tours, but ultimately life had dealt him different plans. His mother had died just after his second tour had ended, and though they knew her death was imminent, it didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Ellen Halstead had been the glue that held their lives together, without her they were fractured. His father Patrick had shrunk into himself, the pain of losing his wife too much to bear. Jay’s brother, Will, had thrown himself head first into medical school in New York, and so Jay had re-enlisted.
If Ellen’s passing had been the fracture, Jay’s re-enlistment had been the cause of the total break. Will had not held back his rage about Jay’s decision, accusing him of not caring how his job impacted on their family, shouting at him that he obviously didn’t value his own life. The truth was, Jay didn’t know anything else, and without his mom’s steady guidance he felt like a ship that was adrift. The Army was familiar, for all of its danger, and so somehow it felt safe. He could push aside his feelings there, he could focus his grief into something that felt worthwhile. Patrick had all but cut him off before he’d even headed back to Afghanistan, and so he’d walked up onto that C130 plane at Fort Benning with no one there to wave him off, he was totally on his own.
That tour hadn’t been like the others; it had been much higher risk, a full twelve months of near constant missions, and almost daily losses. The atmosphere was worse than ever, the fighting worse than ever. It had taken it out of him, and left his mind a constant battle zone.
His unit had been preparing for a short week long R&R break on base in Germany when it had all gone to hell. They’d been on one final mission clearing an abandoned village deep within the dangerous valleys of Afghanistan, when the unit had been hit by an IED. Jay thought they’d been safe, it was supposed to have been swept for munitions, but the area was unpredictable. One moment he was hearing the shouts of his unit clearing the buildings, the next all he could hear was the painful ringing in his ears. They had lost three members of the unit, a fact that hit Jay especially sharply. He’d experienced loss before, but he was in charge here, it felt like this loss was all on him.
He had taken it really hard, and his return to Chicago hadn’t been an easy one. His discharge had been an honorable one, albeit on medical grounds due to a shoulder injury he’d sustained in the incident. His bravery for coordinating the effort to rescue the surviving members of his unit had been rewarded with a medal of valor, that he was absolutely sure he didn’t deserve.
Nights were the worst now, every time he closed his eyes, he was right back there. He could feel the dusty red sand between his toes, he could smell the food wafting from the kitchens of locals as they patrolled through their villages. He remembered the faces of the local children as they laughed and played around the base, the pain of knowing how often those children were used as weapons. Mercifully, his mind seemed to have erased most of that final incident, but it hadn’t erased the rest of the traumas they’d experienced. His dreams were violent, and left him waking full of the same adrenaline he’d lived on for all those years.
His only solace on nights like that was the radio. His mind couldn’t focus on the TV or on reading a book, but it would allow him enough calm to listen to the radio. He knew that he could flick the switch on, and hear the soothing voice of the late night show presenter he had become so familiar with.
Although a lot years had passed since he’d returned, those nights still plagued him, and this one was no different. He was years beyond his time in the Army, but waking up covered in sticky sweat and his body shaking from the adrenaline, was still normal for him.
He stretched and stood up off the bed, squinting at the clock to see it reading six AM, no point in going back to sleep now. He’d fallen asleep listening to the radio, the sweet voice of the host lulling him into a comfortable sleep. It felt weird that he’d come to rely on that show to fall asleep, strange to be dependent on someone that he’d never met, but there was something about her voice that made him feel safe.
The show occupied the late night slot from eleven at night until four in the morning on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, on the mid-west wide station KTMW. The show was like nothing he had ever heard before; the host played requests almost exclusively, took calls from people who didn’t have anyone else to share their tales of heartbreak or sadness with. He’d listed as she had coached people through their pain, playing the songs that they wanted to hear, and given them a space to feel part of something. It became like a crutch for him, as security blanket of sorts on the nights where the world felt a little bit too big.
It helped to listen to the stories that people told, to feel like he wasn’t alone in his pain, trying to imagine that her calm words were being directed to him. He’d thought about calling himself, but every time he had picked up the phone to dial the number, he had stopped himself. He still felt so much guilt, so much weight of responsibility, and it felt like no one would want to hear what he had to say. So, he just kept listening to others as they shared, like it was some kind of weird group therapy that no one else knew they were part of.
The air was warm and stuffy as he stepped outside, the beginnings of Chicago summer really starting to settle in. He rushed out to his truck, flicking on theair as fast as he could, relieved that his job had sprung for such a fancy truck that heated and cooled quickly.
His return to civilian life had been tough, right up until he’s stumbled upon a man trying to steal a woman’s purse outside his therapist’s office. He’d chased the suspect for six blocks, restrained him until the police had arrived, and returned the purse to its grateful owner. The responding officer had made a passing comment that he should think about becoming a cop, and he’d taken that seriously.
Suddenly, he’d had all of the focus he had been needing. It was a job that would provide him with the same familiar comfort of the adrenaline and the discipline, while still allowing him to stay in Chicago. Three weeks later, he’d signed up to the academy and now, after five years on the job, he still loved it just as much. He’d worked patrol for a little while, before passing the detectives exam and moving around a few of the investigative units in the city. He was settled now though, as senior detective of the city’s elite Intelligence Unit.
His team had become his family, a solid unit of people around him in the absence of his own family. That wasn’t to say he was an open book with them about his life or his feelings, he wasn’t, but they had become his people. They were people he could rely on, people who showed up for him, people that cared about him and that he cared for in return.
It had been a hard year for the unit, having lost the two other detectives who worked alongside Jay. One had been killed in the line of duty protecting their sergeant, and the other had moved to Puerto Rico to be closer to family when Chicago had become too much. Jay knew that need well, the one that had forced him to run too when it had all been overwhelming. He couldn’t blame Antonio for going, not when he had done the very same thing once before, but it left the unit with only one detective and that was a heavy weight for Jay to withstand.
Alvin, the detective they had lost, had been the calming force of the team. He was stern in his approach, but nurturing in a way that they’d all needed. He’d become sort of like a father figure to Jay, someone who believed in him. Al had served in the Army too, and so he knew what Jay was thinking and feeling better than most. He’d never looked at the haunted expression that someone’s cross Jay’s face with pity, only with understanding. To lose Al felt like losing a parent.
He had also been a very effective buffer for the team against their sergeant, Hank Voight, who was someone who did whatever it took to get offenders off the street, rule of law be dammed. It wasn’t how Jay wanted to police, it wasn’t how anyone else on the unit wanted to police, and Al had kept it all away from them as best he could. He’d let them police in the right way, while he indulged Voight in his own way of doing things.
Jay knew he wouldn’t be able to contain their boss in the same way, he didn’t want to, and that made him worry about what the future was going to look like.
“Morning Jay.” A voice distracted him from his worries as he walked up the back stairs into the bullpen.
“Morning Kim.” He replied with a small smile.
Kim Burgess, currently the only female officer in the unit, was easy to underestimate. She had a suburban soccer mom look about her, but Jay had come to learn that she was fierce. She was partners with another young officer, Kevin Atwater, who was definitely one of the best cops Jay had worked with. Jay himself was partnered with Officer Adam Ruzek, a live wire that Al had picked out of the academy. He needed some molding, but Jay was confident he was developing into a great cop, he just needed to tame some of his raw enthusiasm.
They had picked up a case yesterday, it wasn’t a difficult one, but being two members down meant that it felt much harder than it needed to be. They had each gone out in their partnerships, trying to gather some good intel, and source people who might be willing to talk about the gang dealing dope on their doorstep.
The weather was getting uncomfortably muggy and hot, the sun beating down onto the streets without any clouds to shade them, and that made sitting in the truck just watching the neighborhood even more frustrating.
“You coming out for drinks tonight?” Adam asked, making small talk as they sat waiting.
“Uh, probably not, I’m pretty tired.” Jay replied, with a shrug.
Adam frowned, it wasn’t that Jay always came out with them, but he was surprised he was saying no. It was Saturday, the case they were working was going to be long term, and they didn’t need to work tomorrow. He could tell that Jay was being honest when he said he was tired, but he had hoped that the offer of drinks might help him unwind. He didn’t know much about Jay’s life, he was a pretty closed book.
By accident about six months ago, Adam had had brief a glimpse into Jay’s mind. They had been working late, and Jay had led down on the breakroom couch after everyone had left, falling into a deep sleep. When Adam had arrived early in the morning, he had walked into the breakroom to find Jay mid-nightmare. Not knowing what to do, he’d woken Jay, almost taking a fist to the face as a consequence. Jay had tried to brush it off, but Adam had been worried, the next time they had been doing surveillance he had brought it up.
‘Look man, if you’re struggling to sleep maybe you should talk to someone.’
Jay had thanked him for his concern, promising he’d reach out to someone if he needed to. In Jay’s mind though, he knew that it wouldn’t help. No amount of talking to a professional stranger would undo what he’d seen, the nightmares weren’t just dreams for him, they were memories.
It wasn’t all bad though, within the dark moments, he found a lot of happiness and a lot of peace. He loved to play basketball with a few academy buddies on Sunday’s, and enjoyed indulging in a video game marathon or two with his best friend Tyler from high school. The more time that passed, the less he seemed to miss his family. It had been years since he’d spoken to his father, and years since he’d had any meaningful interactions with his brother. It felt better now that his work family were that for him, he felt fulfilled by the love and support they showed, even if the job was painfully hard sometimes.
Relationships hadn’t been something he’d been looking for since leaving the army, and definitely hadn’t even been on his radar when he’d still been in. He’d had one serious relationship since he’d left the army, with a detective in the gang unit called Erin. She was fiery, toxic at times, and their relationship had never given him the sense of home he’d seen other people find in relationships. She was passionately driven in her career, but less so in her out of work life. They had been together on and off for a couple of years, but their connection never really felt secure, at least not to Jay.
It was for that reason that he wasn’t surprised to find her place completely empty one day, or to hear that she had taken a job with the FBI in New York. It had been the cowards way out, just disappearing into the night without so much as a word. He had been hurt that she could just disappear, just disregard him like that, but not surprised. After he had closed the door behind him on her empty apartment, he had never heard from her again. It had been one of his buddies on patrol that had told him the following day where she had gone, his friend was the brother of Erin’s best friend, and so that’s how he’d known. It was impossible after that had happened not to blame himself, he couldn’t think of another reason why she would disappear if not to get away from him. The morbid part of his soul sort of understood, there was times where he wished he could escape from himself too.
After the dust of Erin’s departure had settled, he’d decided that maybe dating and relationships wasn’t what he’d needed. He needed to be strong for himself, to be confident in his own foundation before trying to bring anyone else into that. That’s what he’d told himself at least, but on those nights where sleep was hard to come by, his space felt lonely and it left him questioning that decision.
“Are you sure we can’t convince you to come out tonight, Jay? Kev is bringing his new girlfriend.” Kim smiled, as they packed up their things to head home.
“Not tonight, I’m pretty beat.” He replied, a tight smile on his face.
It still wasn’t a lie, he really was tired, and tonight he had a chance at sleep. He said his goodbyes to everyone, driving back to his apartment in peaceful silence. Saturday nights were his last night of the week that KTMW’s late night request show aired, it was the last night of the week that the noise in his mind was quieted by the soft sound of the host’s voice as she brought the misplaced souls of the Midwest together.
He felt like a freak relying on her so much, a faceless person who didn’t even know he existed. He had stumbled on the show one night, in a desperate attempt to silence the sounds of war in his mind, and he’d been immediately captivated. There was just something about her voice, it made him feel safe enough to close his eyes and be vulnerable to the sleep he desperately needed. And so, it had become his routine, every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night between eleven and four he would turn on KTMW and close his eyes. Those had become the three nights of the week where he knew he would get some peaceful sleep, where he knew he wouldn’t have to fight against his body’s desperate attempts to keep him in the land of the waking.
Tonight was no exception, he’d eaten some left over pizza for dinner, and after a hot shower he had curled up in bed. As the clock ticked to eleven, and the commercial break ended, her voice came through the speakers.
‘It’s Saturday night, welcome back to another late night here at KTMW, always live, all requests, right across the Midwest. Get your requests in by one for guaranteed play by four.’
She introduced the first song, an old time song that Jay didn’t think that he knew for a guy in Missouri whose divorce had just been finalized. The next was for a woman in Indiana, who had just lost her job when the company she worked for has suddenly closed down. The host had this amazing way of creating space for everyone, no matter what their story was, there was never judgement just love and kindness.
Jay had tried to imagine what she looked like, but the image in his mind always changed. He figured it probably wouldn’t be too hard to find out for real, but somehow doing that didn’t feel right. He didn’t want to ruin the way his mind relaxed by wondering whether her eyes were brown or blue, or what she looked like when she smiled. He was aware how creepy and weird that sounded, but he didn’t want it to be, there wasn’t anything explicit about it. There was just something magic about her voice, it was the only thing that cleared the thick fog of war.
By the end of the tenth song of the night, he could feel his eyes getting heavy. He listened as she spoke to a man who had been seeing a girl from Alabama, only for her to suddenly reconcile with her ex-husband. He listened as she soothed the sadness of a woman in her early twenties who had recently gotten very sick. He even listed a she celebrated with a man who had just become a father, but who had no family to share the news with. That’s what he loved about the show, it was like a family, something that so many people out there in the world clearly lacked. It made him feel less alone in that, like he wasn’t the only one out there fending for himself without the connections or ties of family.
There were so many stories to be told, and her voice through the radio was a vessel for them all. Jay was sure that she must have no idea the kind of impact that she had, or how much pain she soothed, maybe even how many lives she had saved.
As the clock ticked to one in the morning, he finally felt his body relax as sleep washed over him. His mind was quiet, his soul was at peace, and his filled with the gentle tones of her voice still coming through the speakers. Sleep wasn’t frightening on these nights, though the nightmares still came, they were rarely as violent, and he woke feeling rested and relieved.
Her voice was his lifeline, she was his lifeline, and she didn’t even know it.