Archive of Our Own

I'm a failure.

I lost another match, and not just any match: it was the nationals. I made it to the nationals; yes, that's incredible, but to lose to a team I've never heard of in my life? I didn't know anyone on that team, but I'll admit they play very well, and I was certainly impressed.

The redhead, Hinata Shoyo, will undoubtedly be a great player.

However, when you lose, the question comes to mind: what if I had done it differently? What if I hadn't missed that serve?

Anyway, I ruined the fans. I ruined myself. I ruined my ego.

That's another reason why my brother doesn't want to play with me anymore.

After all, who wants to play with a guy like me?

Who wants to meet Miya Atsumu?

Nobody, not even me.

I look at the fans and they're applauding, until a man shouts my name and says: "Be proud. It was a great game." Something like that, I didn't hear properly, but why do I do this? You're trying to cheer us up, you liked the game, but I'm not used to this kind of comment, I can't accept the praise because I feel like a failure. I feel like crying.

Do I have that much trauma from rejection?

In the teams I played for, I received criticism whether we won or lost. It was comments about me all the time. All the time.

I used to fool myself by saying that everyone wanted to be me, but I know that's not really it. I'm really a terrible person. The worst, maybe.

Besides, it was Kita's last game, he'll never play with our team again. And I, being a terrible person, didn't get to enjoy anything with him, even though I always admired him.

As we left, he said inspiring words to the team, which I will never forget, I'm holding back my tears as much as I can. After all that, I ran to the bathroom.

Samu knows I'm going to cry, even though I say I'm bursting, but he doesn't say anything and lets me go to the bathroom.

Osamu is the most important person in the world to me, but I know I'm not all that to him. I never will be, because he's leaving me too.

I lock myself in a stall right after getting to the bathroom, and I estimate I stayed there crying for about 30 minutes. A mix of thoughts, but what I realized was: nobody looked for me. Nobody cares about me.

After leaving the stall, there was one person there, the only one: Sakusa Kiyoomi.

How embarrassing, my face all red and him looking at me. I start laughing. Of all the people who see me cry, he was certainly supposed to be the only person who could never see me cry.

We stared at each other for about a minute.

To him I'm already ugly, and now with an extremely red face from crying, it's even worse, I've turned into a tomato with pee-stained hair.

"Don't tell anyone, please," I said in a hoarse voice.

"Do you need people's acceptance that badly?" he asked.

I sighed and let a tear escape:

"Everyone needs something, right?" I smiled.

I started walking towards the door:

"Miya!" Sakusa shouted.

Wow.

I turned around:

"Just don't judge me," I pleaded.

"Take care," Sakusa smiled.

I couldn't help but smile; I think that's all I needed. A hug too, but he would certainly disagree.

I looked for my brother after that and found him eating at the stadium snack bar with Suna and Akaashi, with Bokuto appearing soon after.

I ran away; I didn't want to be seen by them. Not yet.

What should I do to make my brother want to stay with me?

What should I do to make people applaud me?

Because being Miya Atsumu isn't working out, and I don't know if it ever will.

Can people tell me I'm good enough for me to believe them?

I go outside the stadium and put on my headphones:

"Creep - Radiohead"

I let it play; it's rock that matches my thoughts at the moment.

"I want a perfect body

A perfect soul

I want you to realize

When I'm not around

You're fucking special

I wanted to be special

But I'm a freak, a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

This isn't my place

She's leaving again

She's running away

She runs away, runs away, runs away, runs away, runs away"

I promised myself I wouldn't waste time crying over silly things, but here I am, crying because I'm a loser and need validation. The gift life gave me is time, yet I only know how to waste it all the time. I can't stand tomorrow, I'm afraid everything will go wrong.

I think I spend about 30 minutes with my head down listening to music until I feel someone sitting next to me. I hope it's Kita, he'll know how to cheer me up, even though I feel he doesn't want my company. It could be Osamu too, but he'd say it's drama.

It's Sakusa. Someone get him out of here.

"Don't you have a game?" I asked.

"Since when do you cry?" he interrupted me.

I stared at him. It's exhausting.

"There comes a point when people can't take the pressure, you know how it is."

Sakusa agreed:

"Answering your question, I have a game in 30 minutes."

"I think the more we disappoint some people during our lives and they leave, the more we want to please the others who come along, right? And like, I always feel like someone is constantly talking badly about me; or no matter how polite the world or everyone is and how well they speak of me, I'll always think it's a lie and that behind my back they're insulting me and everything. It becomes an infinite loop, and even if someone who truly loves me appears, I'll still want more validation and I'll feel alone! People say that this kind of worry goes away after adolescence, but that's because adults find something that will occupy their minds and they'll forget about it, however, there will always be that young person inside wanting to be accepted. I've spent my whole life being excluded, how can I be sure that this won't happen again? Now that I've lost, nobody will want to look at me anymore. –I let the feelings out for a moment

-Miya, I watched your game, you're not alone. Are you sure you looked at the fans properly? People love your team." They adore you, and it's necessary to understand that right now you might be "standing still," but if you don't start moving again, where will the favorite setter from all the schools in Japan be? Think about it – Sakusa stood up and adjusted his clothes – There are 20 minutes left until my game, I need to warm up.

-Sakusa, tell me I'm good, please.

-I just did.

Well, now? Alone again.

After that, for no reason at all, people who, at least for a second, were important in my life, started running through my mind. And I had lost them all, except Osamu, who is my brother, but I had pushed everyone away from me; nobody, after really getting to know me, wanted to stay close to me. However, it was I who pushed them away. The bad thing about acting impulsively and without thinking is that we lose incredible opportunities in life, we lose people and moments, and because of that we blame something or someone for never telling us what's important, but people are different! How can anyone tell me that something is important if I, and only I, can determine what is important to me? We must possess determination and self-knowledge to achieve our goals and not disappoint our future. But gosh, when you look at the world around us, we suffer over situations that, deep down, don't even interest us, and then it's too late, we lose and hurt someone. And we carry that weight into our lives...

Of course, I feel like the second option all the time in front of people; in fact, they're the ones who made me feel that way.

People will always hurt each other, no matter what. Always. Even if it's unintentional. Especially ourselves:

-Congratulations, Miya –A reserve player from Karasuno passed by, with gray hair- You played very well.

I think his name is Sugawara:

-Thank you.

Perhaps it's situations like this that Kita discusses with the team: he says that someone will always be inspired by us, and therefore we shouldn't disappoint ourselves or that person.

"I'm a setter too, I admire your work, do you intend to become a professional?" he asks.

"Yes, I enjoy playing volleyball."

"Then why are you discouraged now? You were having a lot of fun in the match, it was noticeable."

"It was certainly one of the best matches I've ever played, but I was discouraged because of the defeat."

Actually, so as not to make the boy in front of me sad, I hid the fact that volleyball (yes, because of the defeat), which is one of the only things that didn't make me feel frustrated, was doing so at that moment.

However, that match was waking me up.

"Miya, I don't know you very well, but I know that nobody likes to applaud losers, but they applauded you! You're a star and even if difficulties appear along the way, you need to be ready."

"But I don't know, I'm afraid of the future, of rejection, and that's why I want to be applauded all the time."

"Just know yourself and be willing, from the bottom of your heart, to want to change and follow YOUR path, not someone else's." He looked at me and smiled.

"He's cool," I thought.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Koushi Sugawara," he replied politely.

I was right.

And that's how I understood that there's always hope and that people have potential.

I got up and decided to go watch Sakusa play. However, to get to where he was playing, I had to face many stares, which was difficult. Because deep down, I never stopped caring about people's opinions.

But I'll never admit that.

Because I'm a proud fool.

I arrive at the stadium and he really is a star. It's Sakusa Kiyoomi, he is him. Nobody can describe what he is.

I'm so amazed watching him play that when I hear familiar voices, I look back and, not too far away, the whole team is gathered together, laughing, taking pictures, and being themselves. I don't belong there, no matter how hard I try to fit in. They might even like me, but not enough to want to be my friend or care about me.

One day, years ago, Osamu tricked me. For the first time. We were in elementary school and playing on a cool team, and Samu said he was going to visit our cousin, who is a few years older, so he could study geography because he was having trouble. I was never dedicated to studying and didn't want to study, so I ignored it. However, about two hours later, when I opened Instagram, I saw that a boy from the team had posted a picture of the whole team gathered at a party (it really was the whole team), except for me. I wasn't invited. And when Samu got home, I asked him, and he just replied, "Nobody there likes you." I asked if he liked me, and he replied, "I don't know."

I cried a lot that day.

If they would just talk to me and tell me what I should change, I would. But people prefer to hide things and hurt others. The truth is, everyone left traumatized. I hurt them, and they hurt me, so we didn't reach an agreement. We stayed angry, and nobody moves on.

I return to reality and go back to watching Sakusa play. They're going to win; it's already the last set, and the score is 21-16.

And in a few minutes, they win. Looking at the other team, they're really sad, but it will be because of this match that they will improve and grow.

I look at Sakusa, and his team is staring at me and laughing. I give up.

Kiyoomi murmurs something and leaves. I'll die without knowing what he said.

This tires me, it really exhausts me. People can be so mean without even realizing it.

I stay in a corner reflecting until I hear Samu calling me, and I smile:

"Shall we go?" he asks. "We'll be back tomorrow. Now all I can do is cheer for Karasuno."

I laugh. And so I get on the bus and sit alone, because my brother preferred to sit with Suna.

Anyway, I've gotten used to it and I'm not going to fight with my brother about it (even though we fight over silly things) and much less treat him or his friend badly because of it. You should continue being kind to people, even if they don't reciprocate. Because if not, how will we move forward?

If not, how will the world move forward?

My brother has different ways of showing affection and I understand him perfectly; he may not reciprocate in the same way when I show him affection, but he will reciprocate in another way.

People are like that, maybe that's why many don't feel completely loved, because we don't realize when others show affection because it's not in the way we expected.

I look at the people on my team and find a mixture of emotions, some crying, others laughing and making a mess. The truth is, it's good to be young, despite all the problems; it's the phase where we're discovering our feelings and getting to know the world. And secretly, I like to think that even now, suffering and fighting against loneliness, in the future all this will pass. At least I'll find good friends and someone who truly loves me for who I am.

That is, if I don't run away from that person and put them far away from me...

When we arrived at the place, I noticed that the team was avoiding talking to me about the game; they know it affected me, so all they could do was wait for me to calm down.

But it really hurts that they don't even want to look at me.

Samu probably told them I'd get stressed, but that might not happen...

I wanted a hug.

I really wanted a hug.

I wanted to be loved for who I am.

I wanted someone to come up to me and say, "You're handsome, cool, and good at volleyball."

But before that, I need to WANT it. I need to change for that to happen.

I need to love myself and love other people to be loved in return.

And I will have hope that this will happen.

Because how can I ask people to call me good if I'm not good? Do you understand?

However, that's how I learn not to let anything external affect me (even though it hurts deep down).

"Go to sleep." I make a deal with myself.

The day was full, various thoughts and strange situations. Wow.

Relax, tomorrow will be worse. A day to root for your "opponent".

---------

AND THE NATIONALS ARE PACKED AGAIN!

It's beautiful to see people getting emotional because of sports, especially volleyball. Cheering, sweating, and screaming with excitement. It's thrilling, and I love it!

Despite everything, people are incredible. It's a shame they don't recognize that and don't recognize their potential. Entering the court and seeing the teams preparing warmed my heart; they are willing to give their all despite the fear of their opponent. Isn't that incredible? It's bold, it's courageous, and I appreciate that very much. Because it is in the struggle that we are formed.

The Karasuno team is warming up and preparing; I saw they're going to play against Nekoma, their biggest rival. It's going to be interesting. On the other side, the Sakusa team is preparing, and other strong teams are warming up. Everyone is nervous, even if they hide it with all their might; nobody there wants to lose. They're afraid of not being able to give their all and being known as failures afterward, as is my case. Deep down, everyone wants validation, we want to know we're good at something. I may not have been the best setter in Japan in high school, but if everyone looked at me and said, "You're good at setting," that would certainly make me happy. But we tend not to praise others because we only care about praise directed at ourselves. And I'm like that.

It's my flaw, and I don't know how to improve! I need help!

Was I so excluded in childhood that I don't want to see anyone above me? Look how infinite the world is; I'm a speck of dust compared to the entire universe, and why do I still want to be the best at everything?

I always want everything at once; nothing is ever good enough. If the world bows down before me, I'll want more because I'll never be satisfied.

Or am I so empty that I want to fill it with praise?

Yes, that must be it.

We know we live in such an indecisive society, where there's so much thinking at the same time about various things and situations. It's a society of fear, and it paralyzes us! We become paralyzed by fear, and then, in the future, there's regret, but one day boredom arrives, and is that boredom pleasant? Certainly not.

When the games start, I sit in a corner with my brother watching the Karasuno team. They're just at the beginning of the game; a lot is still going to happen, you can predict it. As time goes on, the game becomes very competitive, and you start to doubt who will win. Sometimes I get so competitive that I forget that's the emotion of volleyball.

Author's note: I'll try to summarize as much as possible because otherwise, I'll give away too many spoilers!

We, the athletes, fight hard to reach the nationals, and when we do, we fight even harder to stay there. We don't want to stop playing volleyball. We fight and tremble with fear before our opponents, we're afraid of losing, but if we don't try, we'll never know if we could have succeeded. That's why I need to try.

Your fight will show the warrior you are.

All the teams are fighting, and Karasuno was certainly the team that fought the most. They are passionate about volleyball and don't want to stop playing. They are a family.

A team is a family, and I wish my family would accept me, truly. Only Osamu accepts me, and probably Kita, and deep down I'm grateful for that.

I'm selfish, spoiled, and proud, but I'm grateful for that and hope one day I can appreciate them.

They know I want to be loved.

When I'm almost leaving, Hinata Shoyo stops me and can't stop smiling. He says he's tired and eager to go to sleep. He's proud of himself.

It was well known that Shoyo had suffered a lot in volleyball, especially because of his height, yet it was also well known that he always remained determined. After all, if you focus on your problems, you might sink. If Shoyo only focused on his height, he would never grow in volleyball, if you understand me.

If Hinata Shoyo is afraid of losing, he will never get where he wants to be.

Fighting against a problem involves risks, but staying in it and running away also involves risks. This applies to everyone! If I run away from what I feel about myself, these problems will never go away, they will only grow, like a snowball sliding on the snow that never stops growing. However, from the moment I decide to face them, all progress will be a huge risk. We need to look ahead, even if it's difficult.

Because I know that if I don't face it, I will cry about it in the future, and it's hard to overcome the tears of guilt for unresolved situations.

We always think we'll overcome things easily, but we're lying to ourselves because we know it will take time.

Deep down, it seems we always know everything, but we never listen to ourselves. We usually always listen to others. At least that's how it is for me, after all, I always need people. I need people to feel good. I need their compliments to feel good. That doesn't leave my mind.

After saying goodbye to Shoyo, I looked for Osamu and found him with some colleagues (who certainly don't like me) chatting and eating with them. Great, he forgot about me:

"You can go ahead, I'll be a while," Osamu paused, "Or you can sit here with us..."

Everyone there gave Samu a dirty look.

My eyes were filling with tears. Yes, I was starting to cry right there and then, in the middle of some silly guys who don't like me, but I didn't care about crying in front of them (not this time).

Those were the words I'd wanted to hear for years. I didn't know I needed to hear them until I heard him say them...

There will always be words that make a difference in your life:

"Thank you. I'll stay here a little while," I said.

Osamu smiled.

Samu may have wronged me a few times, just as I've wronged him many times, but that doesn't define who he is. Samu is amazing, he has so many qualities and I admire that a lot about him; despite everything, I'll always call on him. He's my brother:

-Osamu, we're leaving –The boys said, getting up from the table- See you next time.

I felt bad, of course.

Sometimes, the less attention you get, the more you want it. You call for it. You beg for it.

You want it at all costs...

-It's okay, I'll stay here with you-Samu said- Do you want something to eat?

I get up and head towards the cashier, I look at the menu and choose a chicken burger with fries and a Guarana soda. Yeah, I know an athlete shouldn't eat like that, but I feel bad, never mind... And Samu is going to pay, wait:

-Samu, you're going to pay, right? –I asked

-No.

Damn it.

-I don't have any money- I said, annoyed

-Figure it out.

Sometimes I feel like taking back everything I said.

"I don't have any money," I insisted.

"That's a lie, I do have some, but I don't want to spend it."

"Yes, you do! I saw you putting money in your pocket."

I laughed, you know, he knows:

"Okay, I'll pay," Samu stood up and handed me the money. "Next time you pay."

"What can you do, right?"

I gave a sarcastic smile.

I handed the money to the cashier and sat back down. I chatted with my brother for about 10 minutes until they called me. The hamburger smelled amazing and I was practically drooling, dying to eat it.

I was devouring my hamburger when Sakusa passed by me. He looked upset, but I gave him a huge smile and waved. (Note: My mouth was all covered in sauce). However, he just looked at me and walked straight past.

What a difficult boy. It's impossible to be friends with him!

However, until next time, see you around.

After eating and chatting with my brother, we got up and headed to meet the team. We'll pack our things today and leave early tomorrow.

We left the place and crossed the street to the bus stop. After waiting about 5 minutes, we got on the bus and arrived to meet the team and go to sleep. Everyone was having dinner and talking, some sad because they were going back and others missing their families.

I went into my room and started packing my things. I'll get everything ready before Samu shows up and complains about the messy room. After packing, I took a quick shower and lay down on the bed with the air conditioning on. It was very cool. I spent about 30 minutes browsing social media and posting some things about the nationals (and of course, I couldn't leave out photos of myself) on my stories before deciding to go to sleep.

I didn't want to talk much with my teammates, to be honest. Kita will probably talk to the team after the trip, so I won't worry too much about that. He knows how I feel and also knows that I'm determined to improve and that I'll do my best to make it happen. I've recognized that I need to change.

I believe this is the first step of many: Recognizing that you need to change.

With that, I fell asleep even before Samu appeared in the room. He stayed outside talking, and at the same time, my eyes were already red from how tired I was. The sleep was so good that I didn't even notice when my brother came into the room and got ready.

I certainly dreamed that night, but I don't remember what the dream was... (I do remember, but I won't say).

The next day, everyone woke up early and everything was ready for the return trip. We went down for breakfast, and since I wasn't very hungry and I need to eat well, I only ate some cereal and an apple right after. On my way to the airport, I spent some time on social media looking at photos and taking several pictures of myself (after all, I'm stylish and looked good for someone who was going on a trip), but I decided I would only post them later.

Check-in at the airport took a while, but the time until the flight passed quickly. I listened to music the whole time and chatted with one or two people from time to time. We also ran into some teams at the airport heading home, and I found out that Karasuno wouldn't be returning until later, so they were probably still sleeping.

When the plane took off, I took a nap, but the flight was so quick I didn't even get to enjoy it. Samu and Suna were next to me, Suna by the window and me between them (why?). The flight attendant even handed out a snack.

Upon arriving at our place, we boarded a bus sponsored by the national team, and this bus dropped everyone off at home. I decided to sit next to Kita, but we didn't have much conversation, and I wore headphones the whole time. I couldn't tell if I was in a good or bad mood; my mood was changing easily. Sometimes I wanted to be agitated and get everyone's attention, but at the same time I just wanted to be quiet and recharge my batteries. After all, Samu said I'd already attracted a lot of attention during the game (which is great, of course).

Finally, I arrived home and found my family, hugged them, and ran to my room. I took another shower and went to sleep quickly, not wanting to know anything else, but my family kept yelling in my ear, they wanted me to pack my things for the trip right away, but I was exhausted and said I'd do it later. When I woke up, almost 7 pm (yes, I slept very well), Samu was making dinner and talking to my parents, telling them the story of the trip and more. To be honest, I didn't have much to talk to my parents about; they already knew I was upset, and I'm sure my brother told them everything. I stayed with them for a while and then went upstairs to pack my suitcase.

Without sleep and after dinner, I had nothing to do. Samu went to sleep, and I had time to play games and post all the photos on social media. And that's what I did: I posted all the photos and then went to play Mortal Kombat 11. The problem with posting photos is that I want to keep track of who saw them and who liked them... I spent the whole night free and thought about my journey in volleyball and in life; it was a night full of thoughts, and for sure, this was an episode that changed my whole life.

For the better.

1 week after the nationals

Upon waking up to another day, ready for school, Kita sends a message to the group chat saying he wants to talk to everyone. It will be his farewell day.

He will close one cycle and begin another. A new life, new people. It's like that all the time, we just don't realize it.

It's funny, we almost never notice the changes in our lives. I'm talking about the small details, of course, I don't know if you understood. Sometimes my mind is a mess.

I'm going to take a shower, but first I put on Coldplay's "Hymn for the Weekend." It's a good song to start your day well. After that, I start getting ready and it takes me about 40 minutes (yes, I'm careful to look good), I leave the house putting on my headphones with an apple in my hand and Samu right behind me. My brother and I usually take the subway to school, but it takes about 15 minutes to walk from our house to the station, so to save time, we always run (It's good to warm up for morning practice).

When we arrived at practice, Kita was watching us and he seemed a little sad, but I understand him. I greet him and some of the team and start my practice, which lasts an hour, until I have time to get ready for the first class of the day. The day is pretty boring; when I'm not playing volleyball, I'm either chatting with some girls or wandering around alone (sometimes gossiping with the school staff or bothering my brother and Suna).

At the end of the day, we have another 2-hour practice, but we only practice for 1 hour and 30 minutes. Kita said he wanted to say goodbye to the team calmly, and so he did: he began with a speech about his three years at Inarizaki. His words about the team were truly contagious and practically made the whole team cry just from that. I held back my tears, and Suna was serious (he's a bit of a goofball). Kita continued speaking and said, at the end, that he would always carry us in his heart. We applauded and took one last picture together with the senior class, who will graduate soon after.

The senior class also gave speeches, including Aran, whom I will miss very much. What can I say about Aran? He's been with me and Samu since childhood. He was one of the only ones who never gave up on me, even knowing my flaws and my childish ways. In the beginning, he didn't walk or talk much with me, but anyway, he helped and guided me. I got TIRED of hearing him and Samu scolding me, and I, upset with him scolding me, did everything he wanted to get his approval, but I already had it: he always took care of me. He was like a father to me. He had other friends and a life, but he would leave them for a few minutes to watch me grow; he always saw potential in me, and I am extremely grateful for that. Unlike some, he wanted to see me well and happy, and despite everything, with my mistakes and stupidity, he defended me. However, I will never be able to show my gratitude to him, at least not right now. Maybe next year... But he cried, right in front of me, stroked my hair and smiled.

There's always hope.

And I was his hope.

There's always someone who will keep you going, even if years, minutes, or seconds later they disappear from your life.

There are people you'll always carry in your heart, regardless of everything.

In all these years that I've known him, he was making me determined and keep going, but I only realized it at the time of the farewell.

I stood up and gave him a huge hug. A really strong hug.

After the students said goodbye to the third-year students, Kita told us never to give up on the team and that he would always support us. He said it's important to keep going and, as a team, we must remain united.

Soon after, he announced the next team captain and, to everyone's surprise, I was chosen.

Everyone had thought it would be Osamu.

I believe they chose me because of my determination in volleyball. Kita said he would leave that topic blank and wouldn't justify my choice as captain because in his mind it was already obvious.

Well, it will be a third year of many changes.

And I want to start a family next year.

"You know it's not the same as it used to be."

On Vacation

In reality, for me, vacations always boil down to: volleyball (whether beach volleyball, indoor volleyball, or even footvolley) and video games.

However, the best part of vacations is that the whole day is spent playing volleyball. Besides having a court near my house where a bunch of people get together to play, sometimes people from teams that have played against mine invite me to play a little. This is good for training, especially if there's a friendly match against them someday, and the training usually lasts all day: from morning until late at night.

Many people show up and cheer me on (the best part of the training), and most of them are girls. With all this, it ends up being a very productive day for me, and I believe for other people too.

I usually take some money and sunscreen. With the money, I buy water and some good snacks so I don't get sick, but when I'm broke, I take a piece of fruit from home.

Samu doesn't usually go to these games with me; he's generally with his friends or doing something productive at home (cooking, playing games, reading, or watching something). Of course, I take advantage of the holidays to play games or watch something, but only on rainy days, in the middle of the night, or when I'm up to something and my mom won't let me leave the house. Which is wonderful for me because Samu sees that I'm going to spend the day annoying him, so he goes out with his friends.

We argue about something really silly.

However, Samu always tells me what happened and the latest gossip from the places he goes. Although he's very well-behaved, he's done a lot of things behind our parents' backs (I won't even tell you what), but he has fun, and that's what matters.

Some days during the holidays, our parents tell us to invite Aran, and he comes. My mom adores him, makes cake, dinner, and everything when he shows up. This time, he invited Kita to our house, and our parents welcomed him with great affection too, after all, I'm always talking to them about Kita. He's a huge inspiration to me, and my parents know that.

When the holidays end, it's hard to get over it at first because we want the good life forever, often without obligations, but I always come back from vacation more determined and courageous than before. Each passing year means more problems and complicated situations will appear, but you'll be ready for them.

Our future is the sum of the actions we take today.

Besides, this will be my last year of school, and I want to end it on a high note. How will I do that? By defeating Karasuno.

This time, no crying.

Back to School

It takes courage to be yourself.

It takes risk to be yourself.

It takes giving up your comfort to be yourself.

Being yourself will make you give up a lot. A lot.

However, the reward comes when you don't give up and continue being yourself.

We need to work, we need to act.

There's no way to change without it.

It was with these thoughts that I went to my first volleyball practice of my last year as team captain. New people signed up and we're going to do our best to help them.

In our team, we don't usually evaluate new players to see if they're viable and deserve to be on our team. We give a chance to 8 new people, that is, the first 8 to sign up for the team; but we have another list: the waiting list. When one of these 8 doesn't show up for practice or doesn't dedicate themselves and make an effort to stay on the team, we talk to them and see if it's better for that player to continue on the team. Samu said he was proud of me. I asked him if he had spoken to Kita, because I found it very strange that he had chosen me and not Osamu. He said he hadn't spoken to our former captain at all. However, thinking about it more, I think Kita wanted someone truly dedicated to volleyball, and he knew that Samu was dedicating himself to volleyball much less than before. However, with me, it was the opposite: I never stopped thinking about improving in volleyball.

Knowing all this, I went onto the court for the first morning practice of the year.

I found three people warming up, said "Good morning," and also started warming up. This lasted about 20 minutes until everyone on the team was on the court. I called everyone into a circle, started introducing myself (even though I knew everyone already knew my personality), and talked about my proposals as team captain. Everyone thought it was perfect, and that's great.

They don't like me, but agreeing to grow as a team is perfect. For some reason, when you get to know yourself and start to like yourself more and more, you gradually begin to feel free to be yourself. And when you are yourself, wow, everything seems to change.

I give the team instructions on how I planned the training, I say that I talked to our coach (who only shows up for afternoon training) and we think this is the best way. Given that, in one week there will be a presentation of the new members, as new students have one week to register and contact me.

We trained for a week, the team is much better than before, apparently everyone trained during the holidays and is more confident in themselves.

On the day of meeting the new team members, the team was excited, the more people (and good ones) the better, there's a lot to gain, sometimes prizes, sometimes spots in nationals and more. After a while, everyone arrived together, introduced themselves, said what position they want to be in and showed their skills. We (me) put them to play a game so I could evaluate them. They have potential and I'm going to train them.

I teased them a lot, but they didn't let it bother them (though I think they hate me, or maybe not, after all I'm the captain). They all said they want to improve and after that, I added them to the WhatsApp group.

I hope at least one of them likes me, for real.

When training ended, I invited them to eat something at a diner near the school. Five agreed and so we went together with Osamu. The other three said they had plans for the evening.

I learned a little about their lives and it led to a good conversation; they have as much energy as I do and we quickly became friends:

-I know I'm going to make a lot of mistakes as captain because sometimes I lose my temper, but don't listen to the others and please let me know when I lose my mind- I said calmly.

Osamu was surprised.

The newcomers agreed. I also mentioned that I have a desire to go to the nationals and defeat Karasuno, and that's why I'll be training hard. After that, I want to become a professional volleyball player in the future and make people fall in love with the sport.

"Who is Karasuno?" one of them asked.

"A team that will certainly make you show 100% of your volleyball skills," I replied. "But now the burning question: do you want to play volleyball for longer?"

Everyone answered "yes."

"Then we'll win every game."

I finished my snack there and said I was going home to rest a bit and play my video game. Samu got up too, and we left.

"You scared them," Samu said.

"No, if they want to improve and play volleyball, then they're not scared. They're thirsty for volleyball."

After a few months, the team participated in several friendly matches and championships. We won some, we lost some, and in short, we never gave up. Of course, there have been several conflicts, but we are stronger than ever.

And that's how I want it.

It's been a year since the last nationals, and now we're heading into another championship, aiming to go to Tokyo again. I'm excited, and besides, the teams we're facing are much better than a year ago, and that's progress.

The championships here in my region usually last about three days. There aren't that many teams, but there are usually several games in a single day.

And then, it finally started. On the first day of play, with a miracle and difficulty, we managed to win. We faced a strong team, but thankfully everything went well.

When I got home, my phone received some messages from Hinata and some other volleyball teammates. They were asking if the championships had already started here in my region. I replied that they had and chatted a bit with them, and apparently, everyone is already competing.

I remember that unfortunately I won't have training in Tokyo this year before the nationals. This is because I'm in my last year of school, but Kageyama, for example, should be called up again this year.

Kageyama is an exceptional setter. He knows how to execute his plays wisely and sets perfectly.

Remembering that practice, I decided to message Sakusa on Instagram (just to annoy him a little) and tell him that there won't be any practice for us this year, since he's also in his final year.

I'm messaging him on Instagram because he hasn't given me his number yet.

After I sent the message, he took about 2 hours to reply, and I even received:

Sakusa: "I know that very well."

Atsumu: "Right"

Seen by Sakusa

I get bored because he hasn't replied and decide to send another message:

Atsumu: "Has the championship started there?"

Sakusa: "Yes."

Atsumu: "Did you win today?"

Sakusa: "Yes."

He definitely doesn't like talking to me.

After that, I'll take a shower and eat something healthy before bed, after all I need to rest well.

On day 2, we won again and I admit, it was a little easier than the previous day, and now we're going to day 3. However, there's something I forgot to mention: the final doesn't take place on day 3, but they give us 3 days to prepare, in case we win and compete in the final.

I gathered the team at the end of day 2 and talked to them about the importance of winning this, something I had already mentioned at the beginning of the year. I said that every championship is difficult and we can't give up this golden opportunity, among other things. After that, everyone went home to rest.

It's very important that during championship season none of the athletes train late or exert themselves too much physically, so that no unexpected events occur.

That's why it's essential that athletes eat correctly, so that unexpected situations don't occur in events like this either. Sleeping and eating correctly is valuable.

On the third day, the team appeared confident and, with luck (and a lot of fighting and stress), we won. We shouted and yelled.

WE'RE IN THE FINAL!

Despite the result of the final game, just being in the final is an achievement. Because although it may seem easy from the outside, the players know how difficult volleyball is. Only we know how hard we work to improve, and that's why defeat hurts so much, even making us cry in some cases.

This time we really went out to celebrate and already scheduled training for the next day, we just can't train too much so we don't mess up.

Samu saw that I was very happy, but quiet, and commented:

-Your wish is close to coming true, huh?

-Yes, and if everything goes well, it will happen. I'll be able to show everyone how much I've improved.

Indeed, I've changed a lot compared to last year. I have more strength in my arm, I'm getting much less tired, and I'm setting the balls with more precision. In other words, I'm KILLING IT.

Samu smiled and put his hand on my shoulder:

"Certainly, brother."

Samu is leaving, but he won't stop supporting me in volleyball. Besides, he's finishing his last year in style. He's also killing it, maybe even more than me.

Coming to think about it, this is the last year of the feared "Miya Twins" on the court. The last year we'll both play together in tournaments. It's the end of an era.

The next day, the team trains and everyone is eager to win!

Later I send some videos of our future rivals to the team group so that the team can observe their game plan in order for us to win.

However, I also observe them and begin to explain to them how we're going to play, putting each one in their place and creating a game plan. Everyone responded and rated it as good. I also replied that if anyone is having trouble understanding their position, I can help. Especially since we play in a 5-1 formation.

But that's the least a captain can do.

After those days, the day of the much-feared and anticipated final arrives. We all arrived very early that day; the game starts at 10:00 AM, and we were there by 8:00 AM.

We spent an hour doing absolutely nothing, literally. However, at 9 o'clock they called us to change and start warming up.

The court was starting to fill up, many people were coming to watch us and, thankfully, many were cheering for us. (Kita and Aran showed up!).

I always kept Kita updated on how the team was doing and I confess, I asked him for help several times during stressful or sad moments, and he always helped me a lot.

When the game started, we entered the court and there was a lot of cheering. THAT'S SO NICE TO HEAR.

Hearing people cheering for you is incredible and inspiring, you feel like a different person, you become more confident.

People want you to win. IT'S SO FUN.

When our team got organized, they introduced the other team first and then called us and introduced the Inarizaki team to the public:

-Captain and Setter: Miya Atsumu.

Screams.

I smiled and waved.

THIS MOMENT IS MINE. ONLY MINE, AND NO ONE NAMED MIYA ATSUMU CAN REPLACE ME.

After that, the game began. There was pressure and fear on our team's side, but it was worse on theirs; they felt pressured and made many mistakes they shouldn't have. But I learned that it's their first time in a final like this, so it's normal that they feel pressured.

Another thing I noticed is that they also studied our team. They made plays that fooled our players, even me.

But there was no way around it...

BECAUSE I'M IN THE NATIONALS AGAIN.

THE MIYA BROTHERS ARE A HUGE WALL.

Hinata Shoyo, I'm waiting for you, you better be prepared.

We won that game 3-1, it was a total of 4 sets, where we won 3 and the other team won 1 set.

My team was crying tears of joy, the crowd was cheering. That's volleyball.

That's beautiful and courageous.

My team will represent our region once again and I promise: We won't disappoint, we'll get there with great determination and pride.

When it was all over, my coach paid for food for everyone with drinks included! It was great, this time we really celebrated!

And now, we have 2 months to prepare for the nationals which will take place again in January, 1 week after the New Year.

When I got home, I texted Hinata Shoyo:

Atsumu: "Hey, did you win?"

Shoyo: "YES!"

Atsumu: "Great! See you in Tokyo. I'll beat you this time."

Shoyo: "See you in Tokyo. Yeah, you'll definitely lose again." Liked by Atsumu.

I also posted a photo on Instagram of myself holding the medal, commenting on the victory, and it received many likes and compliments, some of them:

Bokuto: "Congratulations, bee!"

Nishinoya: "Good job, on to losing!"

Korai: "Congratulations."

Shoyo: "Why celebrate if you're going to lose later?"

Kita: "Proud!"

And others...

We trained a lot in these two months, without comparison. Our trips to Japan are already booked, and our hotel too. I'm very excited.

I trained with some teams from our region and learned valuable tips from them; the teams were rooting for us. Really rooting for us.

When the two months passed, we were at the airport with check-in done and heading to Tokyo! The trip was smooth (I love flying, I feel rich), I ate a lot on the plane and took a 10-minute nap. Upon arriving in Tokyo, a bus picked us up and took us to our hotel.

By the end of the day, everything was settled and everyone was in their respective rooms. I was sharing with Samu and Suna. Since Samu is obsessed with cleanliness, she tidied our room, and we went out for dinner that night.

I had forgotten how beautiful Tokyo is. I know it's very busy, but if you stop to look at it, you realize its beauty. Wandering around the city a bit, we found a restaurant that wasn't too expensive and had good food. Samu had sashimi, Suna had temaki, and I chose a harumaki. After finishing our meal, we decided not to go sightseeing much because the national games started the next day and we needed to rest. We got to our room, got ready, and went to sleep. In my case, I took a little longer because of my anxiety, but I managed.

The national games started at 11 am, but the performances would begin at 10 am. So, everyone on the team got up at 7 am to have our breakfast, and honestly, there's nothing better than a hotel breakfast. I enjoyed everything, ate fruit, bread, biscuits and more; besides the drinks, I mixed every juice I could find in my stomach.

We ate and headed towards the stadium. When you get there, you already feel the energy of volleyball calling you, it's beautiful.

I love volleyball.

When we arrived at the stadium at 9:15 AM, I checked the schedule for our first game; it's at 2 PM. I also checked which day I'd be playing against Karasuno, if everything goes well, and that would be tomorrow. Phew.

I went to the locker room to get ready for the presentation, put on perfume, and combed my hair. When I finished, the entire Itachiyama team entered the locker room. I looked serious and almost hid. Sakusa was the last one there and hadn't seen me yet, but his cousin (who became the team captain) shouted when he saw me, which caught the team's attention:

"Hey Miya, ready for the games?" Motoya said loudly.

"Huh? Yes, I'm great," I replied, wanting to leave.

"Who are you playing against in the first game?" he continued asking.

Sakusa was staring at me. This is embarrassing.

"I don't know, I saw him and forgot."

"I see, well, good games."

-Thanks- I quickly headed for the door.

I don't know the new players on the Itachiyama team, but apparently, they've already heard my name.

I quickly placed my hand on Sakusa's shoulder as I left the locker room, without looking him in the eye, as if it were a greeting. Otherwise, he wouldn't have said "hi".

The presentations began, they were beautiful, all the teams performed and some dancers too. There was music, there was everything.

I spotted Karasuno from afar, they were cheerful. Actually, they are cheerful.

If we win, we'll go to another game at 6 PM, then we'll rest and watch some games that start at 11 AM.

When it was 1:30 PM, we went downstairs and started warming up for the game to start at exactly 2 PM. We lost the first set due to our own carelessness; we were falling for the other team's tricks. However, from the second set onwards, we got the hang of it and won all three others, ending 3-1.

1st set: 22-25

2nd set: 25-20

3rd set: 25-23

4th set: 27-25

Our game ended at 3:52 PM, and we had practically two hours to rest. I went to see the other teams, and there were tears on one side and joy on the other; some were sad, others happy.

Karasuno won all their games that day. Itachiyama was playing (but they were about to win; the score was 2-0), Fukurōdani also won, among others...

Following the same schedule, we started warming up at 5:30 PM, and the game started at 6 PM. It was a tough game, we won the first two sets, but lost the next two, so it went to a fifth set.

Which we won, 3-2 for Inarizaki.

The score was:

1st set: 25-18

2nd set: 25-20

3rd set: 23-25

4th set: 26-28

5th set: 15-10

That's how our first day of the nationals ended. The next game is against Karasuno! My moment has arrived.

Hinata Shoyo, I'm waiting for you!

The next day, at 10 AM, it will happen again:

Inarizaki vs. Karasuno.

When I arrived at the hotel, I got ready and did everything I needed to do to be at peace for tomorrow's game. I kept to myself, and Samu already knew I wanted silence, so Samu and Suna left me alone in the room while they went to meet the rest of the team to talk.

I listened to music and danced a little in my room; it calms me down.

I didn't text some of the Karasuno team because I know it would make me nervous, and I don't want that.

After two quiet hours, I fell asleep and set my alarm for 6:00 (to take a shower and relax).

And I didn't wake up at 6:00. I woke up at 6:30 in a rush because I'm very slow getting ready. Samu and Suna also woke up at that time, and it was a fight over who could use the bathroom.

At 7:30 we were ready and had to eat quickly.

"Heavens, everything is going wrong," I thought.

At 8:05 we finished and went to the bus. We arrived there at 9:00, phew.

I found the team waiting to be called for warm-up and went to talk to them:

"Are you ready?" I asked.

They were all together and chatting a lot:

"YES!" –Everyone answered in unison

Nishinoya was jumping with excitement:

-The last game was incredible, I couldn't even catch your serve properly, but the year passed and I trained a lot to receive this kind of serve –He said

"Damn it," I thought.

But I should have expected this from them, they just want to improve.

I talked to them a little more about some random things, like what Hinata ate for breakfast, which was literally just an apple (???). Tanaka said he was thinking about growing his hair out, but also said he doesn't know if it would work. I also asked about the former Karasuno members and they replied that sometimes they come to practice, give advice and help.

After that, they called us for warm-up and we started the activities.

Since it's the first game of the day, it's important to be warmed up to sweat! And I start sweating very quickly, my body can't control itself.

The game started with me serving, and this time I didn't aim at Nishinoya, but at Hinata, and he received the ball well, so the game began. They improved a lot, but so did we.

We won the first set and they are nervous.

Samu scored a lot of points, he's killing it with my sets (especially since we've been training the quick serve all year).

1st set: 25-21

The second set started, Karasuno managed to score a lot of points on serves, which gave them a big advantage, because even though we got close, they took the 2nd set this time:

2nd set: 24-26

At the break, they were already tired, but still had strength. But my team wasn't tired at all.

Samu and I aren't messing around anymore. We're playing volleyball.

The third set started and was very competitive, but also with a lot of silly mistakes from both teams (e.g., touching the net, etc.). We took the third set.

3rd set: 25-20

They were scared, it was a little difficult to recover, but they still didn't give up.

When the 4th set started, Karasuno scored a lot of points, but not enough to beat us.

They lost to the Miya Twins.

We took the 4th set and won.

3-1.

4th set: 29-27

I did it. I really did it.

Because if I had been afraid of losing again, I wouldn't have won today.

Karasuno is amazing, they applauded us and thanked us for the game.

They're going home with a smile on their faces, that's admirable.

They're bold, they're not afraid of growth, and they know how to handle their losses.

I took a picture with them at the end and we celebrated the game. We're 1-1.

See you around!

After that, we played against Kamomedai, Korei's team, at 3 PM and won! It was a tougher game than against Karasuno, but we won in the 5th set again.

And now...

WE'RE IN THE SEMIFINALS!

Don't be fooled, the nationals are very difficult.

But...

My semifinal is against Itachiyama.

Damn, I'm not at their level. I'm saying this after 2 years, the last time I played against them was 2 years ago.

That's a long time.

But it was a huge humiliation, it was 3-0 for them. I'll never forget that day, it was a horrible game.

I arrived at the hotel nervous, this time I was really nervous. I was very scared.

I slept very badly and woke up tired, but I recovered my energy after eating.

Our game was at 11 am and we could start warming up from 10 am.

But I couldn't warm up, I was trembling.

I was trembling a lot.

My team was worried, but I told them to keep warming up and that I would recover:

-You're not nervous, are you? –Sakusa appeared in front of me and asked:

-No –I replied.

-Then why are your legs shaking?

Damn.

-Something happened to me –Terrible excuse.

-Is that so?

Sakusa sat down next to me:

-I didn't ask you to sit here –I insisted, I didn't want to see him lecturing me.

-I just don't understand, you're never afraid of anyone, you love to compete and show off, so why are you afraid of me? –He asked.

That hit me hard.

-I just don't want to be humiliated like last time –I replied, looking at the ground.

Sakusa scratched his head:

-Then just don't lose to me –He replied and stood up, returning to his team.

The game was about to start and I hadn't warmed up.

I stayed in my serving position, since I would be serving first.

After the referee blew the whistle and the game started, I aimed my serve right to Sakusa's side, and he missed it.

Point for me.

I aimed at him again, this time he caught it, and that's how we started the game.

They are much better, at an absurd level!

But it's been a difficult game even for them.

They took the 1st set.

Result: 22-25 for them.

In the 2nd set, I had already gotten into the game and was in the rhythm, and that's why we won the 2nd set.

Result: 25-21.

In the 3rd set, they won again. Without wanting to make too many excuses, we made a lot of silly mistakes.

Result: 19-25.

In the 4th set, we recovered from all our mistakes. I set up and dropped some shots on second serve; I really didn't want to lose to Sakusa Kiyoomi.

We took the 4th set.

Result: 25-23.

The dreaded 5th set arrived, and I had even forgotten what fear was. I was so excited and having so much fun.

But when that happens... it never works out.

That's why we lost, because I don't know how to control the fun in an important game.

The game ended.

5th set score: 13-15.

And then...

The nationals were over.

High school was over.

At that exact moment, a video from high school played in my head, and I was sprawled on the court floor, lost in thought.

Samu was crying; volleyball was over for him.

Itachiyama was celebrating wildly; they're in the finals again. Except for Sakusa, who wasn't celebrating; he was staring at me.

I didn't make it to the finals.

But I didn't let it get me down again because I know I'm not alone, even in defeat.

I went to hug my brother.

The "Miya Twins" are over. It's over forever in volleyball history.

I cried with him, and the team came closer to hug us.

And yes, I'm the one who built this family this past year, and I'm very proud of myself.

Days later

After all the nationals, I had to say goodbye to the team and to all these three years:

-I wanted to thank everyone. I'm not easy to deal with, but I grew so much thanks to you all these years. I'm annoying, troublesome, and I make you angry, but I'm happy because I built this in this last year. I hope you've grown a lot in volleyball and that you don't give up on it. We make so many friends in volleyball. I will never forget you. Now I'm going to try to go professional, but you will forever be my favorite family. Samu is leaving and we'll never be on the court together again, but this will always remain in my memories – I was crying – I just want to tell you to never give up. I almost gave up last year when I lost to Karasuno, but all this only showed how special volleyball is to me and also showed me that we are never alone. Always strive for "yes," because you are capable and I believe in you. Life is beautiful, enjoy it and be happy!

My eyes were red.

Samu hugged me and said my growth was beautiful.

I'm very proud.

Goodbye, Inarizaki!

Years later

Three years have passed since my last year of high school. I'm playing professionally on MSBY alongside Hinata Shoyo, Bokuto Koutaro, and Sakusa Kiyoomi.

I'm very happy spreading volleyball wherever I go.

A valuable piece of advice is: Strive to improve and never give up. One day you will know who you are and your purpose in life. Never focus on your problems; fight against them.

Kisses, Miya Atsumu.