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It felt magical, unreal and perhaps, uncomfortable too at times. Thinking about loving someone you weren’t supposed to, because they’re just a friend. Duang was killing himself over it, feeling things he wasn’t supposed to was like pulling his heart out of chest. There were constant moments of over-awareness, always stopping his tongue from spilling out his thoughts, closing his eyes before another spark made them shine, again, stopping his hands before they tried to reach for his. Because they were longing for his touch, because they felt like they belonged in his warmth. It was a torture having to hold himself back constantly because he didn’t want to ruin a friendship he took ages to build, not one with someone like Qin who usually holds his guards so high up. Every time his heart started racing in the presence of his beloved, his heart also quenched at the thought of betraying him with those same feelings. Love was meant to be beautiful but he had never realised just how painful it could be before discerned his feelings for Qin.
Duang felt like being in love with Qin was a betrayal from his side. Was he wronging Qin by having feelings for him? By having him believe every single thing he has done for him was simply out of platonic love? Duang felt like it was wrong, he felt like he was manipulating him although he had never pushed things or even thought much about Qin loving him back but this constant feeling of wronging him without letting him know held him back. Was this friendship even meant to be? Duang had never thought of cutting Qin off ever, because he was the one with feelings that covered him in guilt, Qin didn’t have to endure any of these consequences, he thought. But when he had Qin standing in front of him, smiling as big as one could be, competing with the sun on who’s shining the most, Duang couldn’t stop his heart from beating, couldn’t stop himself from putting his hand on his chest dramatically and pretending to faint, Qin laughed.
“You’re so dramatic, Duang.” he simply smiled at that comment.
“You’re making me act like that.” he said while looking at him straight in the eye, Qin hit his arm and kept walking.
Often such situations happened, Duang stared at Qin walking away, his heart beating faster than ever as he ran behind him to catch up with his pace. His heart felt lighter whenever he was with Qin, until he realised how unreachable he was despite being inches away from him. While he walked next to him, sunshines hit Qin’s face perfectly, making him look like a prince, unreal, unreachable and ethereal all at once, “One day, I will let him know.” he thought. Not because he wanted Qin to reciprocate his feelings but simply because he thought he should know just how much he meant to him, how brighter his days get when he catches sight of him, just how much of an impact his simple presence, his good morning and good night messages have on him. Whenever they hung out like this he would head back home, close his door, slide down and sit on the ground and stare at the empty room in front of him wondering about how it would feel to have Qin beside him, in his home, in his space, again and again. He always wondered if he was even worthy of imagining such scenarios but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want Qin to be his, he just wanted to be Qin’s and that’s why when Qin opened up about his love life and how he was reluctant at the idea of love, he could only comfort him with words that didn’t come truly come from the bottom of his heart, because for once, it shattered Duang to comfort him. No matter the amount of times he lays down on his bed, stares at the ceiling and tells himself over and over again that Qin and him is an impossible ending, that this would never in a million world work out, a tiny little part of him couldn’t stop hoping to be the one. He daydreams of Qin embracing him, of accepting his feelings, of loving him back or at least, letting him love him but none of it seems plausible. Duang felt terrible at the idea of convincing Qin into giving him a chance and that’s why he kept his feelings closed in the depth of his heart, perhaps that was his destiny after all.
For the price of Qin finding comfort in someone, finally, and the price of Qin’s happiness, he was ready to accept that love for him was only loving Qin without wishing for anything back.