Work Text:
#
Peter was doing homework in the lab.
Or at least Tony thought he was doing homework. The kid was hunched over a notebook, headphones on, occasionally muttering about calculus and “who invented math and why.”
Tony barely paid attention, he was talking to Rhodey.
“Want to grab Dairy Queen later?”
Rhodey looked up. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“You paying?”
“Duh.”
Peter’s pencil stopped moving. For exactly half a second. Then continued. Tony didn’t notice. Rhodey didn’t notice.
Neither of them noticed Peter slowly smiling.
Group Chat: Ned + Peter
Peter: Mr. Stark just said he’s going to Dairy Queen.
Ned: Nice.
Peter: He didn’t invite me.
Ned: That’s tragic.
Peter: Unacceptable.
Ned: What are you gonna do?
Peter: Something hilarious.
Ned: Peter no.
Peter: Peter yes.
#
An hour later.
Tony and Rhodey were driving. Tony was ranting about a senator. Rhodey was ignoring him.
Everything was peaceful.
Normal.
Reasonable.
Then Rhodey asked, “What are you getting?”
Tony thought about it for a second, “Probably a Blizzard.”
“Good choice.”
“Maybe a milkshake.”
“Solid.”
Tony glanced at him, “What about you?”
Rhodey opened his mouth.
Before he could answer-
A voice came from the back seat.
“I was thinking about a milkshake.”
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Tony stopped breathing.
Rhodey stopped breathing.
The universe stopped breathing.
Slowly.
Very slowly.
Tony turned around.
Peter was sitting on the floor behind the driver’s seat.
Smiling.
Like he’d been there the entire time.
Both men screamed.
Not yelled.
Not shouted.
Screamed.
The kind of scream normally reserved for horror movies.
Tony nearly drove into a mailbox.
Rhodey smacked his head on the roof. “WHAT THE HELL?”
Peter jumped.
“JESUS CHRIST!”
“HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?”
Peter considered, “…forty minutes?”
Tony made a sound usually associated with dying animals.
“FORTY MINUTES?”
“Maybe forty-five.”
“FORTY-FIVE MINUTES?”
Rhodey looked genuinely traumatized.
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”
Peter blinked.
“You didn’t ask.”
“ASK WHAT?”
“Whether I was in the car.”
“WHY WOULD WE ASK THAT?”
Peter shrugged.
“That’s on you, honestly.”
#
Later, according to Peter.
He texted Ned.
Peter: I have never heard two grown men scream louder.
Ned: Did Tony threaten to leave you at Dairy Queen?
Peter: Six times.
Ned: Worth it?
Peter: Absolutely.
#
The story should have ended there. It didn’t.
Because Peter made the mistake of telling Happy.
Happy laughed so hard he nearly cried. Then he told Pepper.
Pepper laughed harder.
#
A week later.
The Avengers were gathered in the common room.
Steve was telling a story.
Natasha was reading.
Bucky was pretending not to nap.
Sam was eating someone’s snacks.
Tony walked in carrying coffee.
Immediately, Clint asked, “Hey, Tony.”
Tony narrowed his eyes.
“What.”
“How was Dairy Queen?”
Tony froze. “No.”
The room exploded.
Steve looked confused.
“What happened at Dairy Queen?”
Tony pointed at Peter. “Don’t.”
Peter was already laughing.
“Peter.”
“No.”
“Peter.”
“You screamed.”
Tony covered his face.
Rhodey, unfortunately, chose that exact moment to walk in.
“Like little girls.”
Tony looked betrayed.
“Et tu, Rhodey?”
“Like little girls.”
Steve frowned, “Wait.”
Everyone looked at him.
“What happened?”
Peter immediately sat up.
“Oh my God, okay.”
Tony groaned.
“No.”
“So Mr. Stark and Rhodey were driving-”
“No.”
“-and I snuck into the car-”
“NO.”
“-and hid on the floo-”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
“-for forty-five minutes-”
Steve looked horrified.
Bucky looked impressed.
Sam nearly choked.
Natasha lowered her book.
“And then,” Peter said proudly, “Mr. Stark asked Rhodey what he wanted.”
The room leaned forward.
Peter grinned. “And I popped up and said, ‘I was thinking about a milkshake.’”
There was a brief pause.
Then Clint fell off the couch.
Bucky was crying.
Actual tears.
Sam couldn’t breathe.
Natasha had abandoned all attempts to appear dignified.
Even Steve was laughing.
Tony looked personally victimized.
“You people are the worst.” he said.
Peter pointed, “You screamed first.”
“THERE WAS A PERSON IN MY CAR.”
“YOU KNEW ME.”
“NOT IN THE CAR.”
#
The worst part?
The absolute worst part?
A month later Tony got into his car.
Looked in the back seat.
Looked under the seats.
Checked the trunk.
Checked the mirrors.
Checked the floor.
Checked everything.
Then started driving.
Five minutes later a voice came from the passenger seat.
“Hi.”
Tony screamed.
Again.
Because Peter had somehow gotten into the car after Tony checked.
And somewhere back at the tower, FRIDAY quietly added another video to a folder called:
“Tony Stark vs. Unexpected Peter Parker Encounters.”
The folder was already thirty-seven gigabytes.