Chapter Text
3:00am, Nice airport
Liam needed a break.
He had come 17th in the race. 17th of course. Why did I think today would be different? Had to sit through hours of media and debriefs, and then had to catch a 12 hour flight home. He hated flying which people often made fun of him for because what kind of F1 diver doesn't like flying, they don’t all the time? But he was used to it, People made fun of him often, It never mattered what he did or what he said, they all hated him anyway. They made fun of his accent, his hair, his hobbies, his driving. It one of the reasons Liam could never be in a relationship whilst on the grid. He could never be good enough for anyone, why bother? They all leave eventually. Not only would his (hypothetical) partner get loads of hate for being In a relationship with Liam but he would also be a man, and motorsport is not an accepting place for queer people. Liam didn’t ever want to have to hide anyone, no one deserves that but there was no way he could come out, not when they all hated him already. When he first started in F1, Liam was petrified that he was going to be found out thinking he was the only gay driver on the grid and was constantly trying to find ways of making himself more masculine looking. Don’t look too long. Don’t stand too close. Don’t give them anything to notice.
Australia GP
What followed him joining the sport, was a series of extremely embarrassing events.
When he had first joined Red Bull, Max had told Liam that if he ever needed any advice or support that he was always free. Liam had DNFed the race and, after the debrief, had made his way over to Max’s driver room to take him up on that offer. He wasn’t sure what to expect but he definitely didn’t expect to see Max and Charles making out against the wall. Why does my chest feel like it’s collapsing? It’s not a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal. He ran, trying to calm himself down from a building panic attack. He didn’t see either of them until the next weekend and it became obvious that they were avoiding him.
Japan GP
Liam was halfway through packing up his helmet when he felt someone hovering behind him. He didn’t look up at first, he didn’t have the energy for small talk, not after the week he’d had, but the silence stretched long enough that his stomach tightened uncomfortably
When he finally turned, Yuki was standing there with his arms crossed, chewing the inside of his cheek. He looked… awkward. That alone made Liam’s pulse jump.
“Hey,” Liam said, trying to sound normal. “You okay?”
Yuki hesitated. “I need to ask you something.”
Liam’s throat went dry. What now? What did I do wrong this time?
Yuki shifted his weight. “Are you… homophobic?”
The word hit Liam like a slap. His breath caught; his fingers froze around the strap of his helmet. For a moment he couldn’t speak just felt the sharp sting of the accusation settle under his ribs and embed itself into his heart.
“What? No,” he said quickly, too quickly. “God, no. Why would you think that?”
Yuki didn’t look angry. Just cautious, concerned. “Max said you ran out of his room really fast last week. He thought maybe you were… uncomfortable.”
Uncomfortable.
If only it were that simple.
Liam forced a laugh that sounded fake even to his own ears. “I wasn’t uncomfortable. I just.. I panicked. It wasn’t about them.”
Yuki studied him for a long moment, eyes narrowing slightly as if trying to read something deeper in Liam’s face. Liam felt heat crawl up his neck. He doesn’t believe me. Of course he doesn’t. Why would he?
“Okay,” Yuki said finally. “I just wanted to check. Max was worried.”
Worried.
That word twisted something in Liam’s chest.
“I’m not homophobic,” Liam repeated, quieter this time. “I promise.”
Yuki nodded, but the hesitation lingered in his expression. “Alright. I’ll tell him.”
Liam watched him walk away, the pit in his stomach growing heavier with each step.
Great, now they think I’m an asshole
He closed his eyes, exhaling shakily.
A club somewhere in Japan
After the race Liam was invited to the club to celebrate with the team.
He was now drunk, from trying to drown out his sorrows when he found himself moving towards the dance floor. As he was dancing, he felt two large hands on his hips, grinding against him. They kept this up for a while before shouting in his ear that they should get out of there. Liam let himself be pulled towards the bathroom. As soon as they were inside, he found himself being pressed up against the wall, lips moving up his neck and along his jawline.
Just as he felt himself beginning to get lost in it, the door slammed open and he came face to face with Max and Charles who looked like they had come here to do the exact same thing. The guy pulled off him and panic started to crawl into Liam’s throat as his drunken mind caught up with what was happening. Liam’s stomach drops; his fingers twitch, his chest tightened, that familiar warning squeeze, like someone was slowly turning a knife inside his ribs.
“Oh mon dieu” were the words that left Charles’ mouth as he took in the scene I front of him. Max’s expression wasn’t angry, but Liam’s brain twisted it into disappointment anyway as he stood frozen in the doorway, his hand still gripping Charles’ waist.
“Can’t you see we’re busy?” The guy who had now detached himself from Liam’s neck growled not noticing said man’s growing fear as a panic attack started to take over. He glanced back
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” he groaned at the sight of Liam, now sat against the wall with his legs drawn towards himself trying not to panic, and pushed past the drivers and out of the bathroom. Max immediately rushed forward to try and calm Liam down from his panic attack, but Liam was inconsolable. They think I’m pathetic. They always think I’m pathetic. They already thought that. Now it’s worse. So much worse. Only now did it dawn on the two drivers that the reason Liam had ran away before wasn’t because he was homophobic but the complete opposite. They’re judging me. They’re definitely judging me. They probably think I’m disgusting. They both knew how hard it would have been for him, coming into the world of motorsport while being gay. Why is he looking at me like that? Stop. Don’t be kind. It’s not like I deserve it. Please stop looking at me like that.