Work Text:
Dear Lee,
This is disgusting. I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m like this.
—Mr. Grey, letter to Lee Holloway, Secretary (2002)
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Shane Hollander
141 Gardner Street, Apt #24
Boston, MA, 02105
Ilya Rozanov
221 Tremont Street, Apt #81
Boston, MA 02501
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Dear Ilya,
I hesitate to write this to you after our last interaction. Things had always been bad between us but I had crossed several lines after the birthday party, to no fault of yours. We always fought and bickered every time we met; perhaps that is what was so attractive to me. The back and forth we had was fun, no matter how hurtful. I did do it in part because that was the foot on which we had started interacting and I was too scared to change it. I didn’t want anyone to figure it out, least of all Svetlana. What I said was the truth. She was my only friend in Boston. She was my roommate and the only person I could talk to outside of my family here. Me calling after kicking out everyone and spewing all that nonsense was by design to make you never show up here. I was afraid that the longer we interacted the more visible my feeling would get. I needed to create space and the opportunity was too good to pass. She met you first, befriended you first and I would have had to be blind to not see how well suited you both were for each other. I never did think I stood a chance, she’s smarter, prettier and most importantly didn’t hide away at home all the time. I was under no delusion that you could harbour feelings for me too. But knowledge rarely changes human feelings. I found you funny the first time we went out to Boston Common. You were so taken by Svetlana, and me by you. A lot of what I said was to get a rise out of you. I wanted to see where the line was so I kept pushing, again and again. I would say something awful and then wait for you to snap. But you never did. I hated you for that. It would have been easy to create distance if only you were a little worse. Salem was almost painful. I wanted your attention but could not in any way get it. It frustrated me to no end. I even made up some childish reason, I don’t even remember what it was now, just to have you sit beside me in the backseat of the car. I know for a fact you don’t remember, but in that back seat you said something along the lines of me never being on the receiving end of romantic feelings from someone else. After the trip, I lied and said I need air and went for a walk. Well, those weren’t fully lies, I did need air and I did want to go for a walk but mostly because I wanted to cry. I sobbed the entire time and then some, when I came back home. I never did think you would be attracted to me but it was somehow so painful to hear that come out your mouth. I wanted you to like me and here you were telling me it was unfathomable that anyone could date me. You have ruined so many things for me. Every time we go to buy alcohol, I see Mike’s and I’m reminded of you. Every cigarette bud reminds me of you. You even ruined grizzly bears for me. When you guys came over during the snowstorm, we were all drawing on each other with those Dollar Tree, washable markers and I wanted to so badly ask about each of your tattoos, I wanted to know you. But you only cared about Svetlana; I didn’t want to come between you both. When I came over to smoke weed, Troy said that you got the ‘premium’ stuff out just for me. I didn’t even care if it was lie just to gas you up, I was so pleased. In some weird way I wanted you and Svetlana to work out because that would mean I would get to see you more often. After her, you were the only other person in Boston I really knew. I think we would have been great friends, we are horrid in the same ways. Unfortunate that you liked my roommate and I liked you. I thought if I behaved liked a school boy and pulled you pigtails then maybe you’d understand. That was the only way for me to show my feelings. After Svetlana’s birthday party, I nonsensically called you twice. Somewhere even blinded by my panic I wanted you to come back and mollycoddle me. I don’t why I was so fixated on you. Back in September, we spoke, while Svetlana was dancing in the middle of the club. I joked that we were meant for the outside of the circle, on the sidelines. You agreed and laughed. I don’t know if it was because you were just being nice or if you really thought that we were similar but I was so glad. I wanted to keep meeting you on the outside. Outside of the promise or a drink or plans made by Svetlana. I even invited you to that concert. I knew Svetlana didn’t listen to that type of music and when you had agreed, even if it was just to be nice, I still was glad, delighted even. I don’t expect you to reply to this nor do I think anything will come out of it. I needed someone to know and I don’t have the spine to tell Svetlana. When you invited us to dinner for you mother, I asked several times if I was invited as well. I couldn’t believe that you wanted me to be a part of that, that I would even be part of your inner friend circle. You were nice to me and I was nothing but unkind. I’m sorry I was so dreadful to you. I wanted to see how much you’ll let me get away with. Maybe you only were nice because I was Svetlana’s roommate but that doesn’t remove your kindness. I liked you from the beginning. Even when you were interested in someone else, even when you made fun of me. And even when you never considered me an option. I’m only saying all of this now, because I am leaving Boston and don’t think will come back so I needed to get this off my chest.
Have fun, take care and please don’t kill yourself
Shane.
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