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During
Katsuki is very tired.
He has been very tired for a long time, he thinks. All Katsuki wants is to fall into a deep, deep sleep and never wake back up. Yet every time he tries to do just that, all he can see is leering crowds, mocking him in his chains.
Every time sleep tries to find him, past memories of terror fill his head until he jolts awake gasping, clawing at his own chest. By the time Katsuki manages to calm himself down enough to try to fall asleep, his alarm has started blaring. Signaling its time to get up for school and act like an actual person again.
——
Katsuki stares at the mirror; bloodshot, puffy eyes stare back. Complimented by heavy eyebags underneath. His hair desperately needs a wash, spikes blond locks grown out and oily. His cheeks are thinner, making Katsuki's face look gaunt like a corpse.
When was the last time he got more than three hours of consecutive sleep? Or ate actual food? Facts that Katsuki knows he should remember but just can't seem to hold on to after summer camp (or maybe the sports festival? Maybe even before that; Katsuki is too tired nowadays to even remember when this spiral started).
——
Katsuki remembers that even the thought of meeting the Number One Hero (or any hero) would have brought a younger him into hysterics. He would have been jumping for joy, and asking them a million questions. Happy and filled with life.
Nowadays Katsuki doesn’t feel much of anything.
Yet here he sits, with Allmight across from him listening to Deku diligently. He sits here, looking at the man who was once his only role model. Someone who he wanted to be exactly like when he was older.
Katsuki watches him look and smile at his successor and thinks,
I am never gonna be able to make him look at me like that.
He feels his heart sinking at that thought.
I am never gonna make anyone look at me like that.
Katsuki realizes in that moment,staring at the carpet in the teacher's lounge, he will never be able to compete with Deku. He was the one Allmight chose and he is the one who is gonna be the next Number One Hero.
Where does that leave Katsuki?
Katsuki stands up and excuses himself from the teacher's break room to Deku and Allmight, walking to the nearest bathroom.
He violently throws up as soon as he reaches the toilet. He stays there on the bathroom floor dry heaving and clutching the toilet, even after fully emptying his stomach. Wondering what the hell is wrong with him.
Afterwards, Deku approaches him asking if he was ok because of his early exit from their secret OFA successor meeting, Katsuki tells him gruffly, “Don’t worry about me, stupid nerd. Focus on making that lame quirk of yours stronger.” With a false bravado that convinces Deku that everything is fine.
(Nothing is fine)
(Katsuki is not fine)
(He is falling apart)
Before
The first time Katsuki cut himself it was an accident, the second and third times were not. He sits in his bathroom and finishes bandaging his most recent wounds, and walks out of his bathroom with a bounce in his step.
Who knew that a little pain was all he needed to get his heart running again?
To make him feel alive again.
——
Three months after the Sludge Villain, Katsuki tried to kill himself. He stole a bunch of his fathers heart medication and overdosed in his childhood bed.
He then woke up, three days later at the hospital with a blaring headache hooked up to all sorts of machines.
Soon after he awakes, his mother comes in, her face twisted up in fury as soon as she notices his consciousness. Mitsuki screams at him about how he could possibly be this selfish and do this to his parents? Do you know how much work we’ve put into you? Only for you to try and screw it up like this? You’re lucky your father found you before it was too late!
Katsuki stares at her blankly until she wears herself out and leaves, muttering about him being just as useless as his father.
Later, his father comes in and sits on the edge of Katsuki's hospital bed, facing away from him and asks, “Why?”
They sit in silence for almost a minute before Katsuki musters the energy to respond and when he does, finds the answer quite simple. “I didn’t want to be here anymore”
His father sighed, and left as well.
Katsuki laid in the hospital bed and felt something ugly and disgusting screaming in his body. Writhing in him, like it's trying to claw itself out.
His mothers screaming made it worse.
His fathers disappointment made it angry.
He kinda in that moment wants to rip whatever monster that has set up a home in between his ribs, like that might make his life easier. Like it isn't currently doing everything in its power to leave him.
Katsuki closes his eyes, and pretends like his life is easy enough that his biggest problem is getting into UA, not the howling creature in his chest until he falls into a fitful sleep.
(When he returns home from the hospital, their medicine cabinet has a lock on it, that lock will stay on it long after the last time Katsuki is in that house)
During
It is raining at three am in the morning and Katsuki can't go home. It is one of the rare times Katsuki decides to go home for the weekend instead of staying in the UA dorms, which was clearly a mistake. He wanders aimlessly in the rain, completely soaked to the bone. Eventually he spots a train station and hops on a train.
Katsuki doesn't know where the train is going but as long as it's away from home he wants to be on it.
He watches the city zoom past out the window of the train and feels an odd connection with it. His whole life feels like things zooming past him, leaving him to hopelessly chase after them.
Katsuki falls asleep thinking about how he will never be able to compete with his mothers harrowing expectations or be good enough for Best Jeanist. Ignoring the clawing that gets stronger every day in his body.
(Ignoring the heat in his cheek and the blood dripping down his face where his mothers wedding ring nicked him)
—-
Katsuki watches Todoroki and Deku with Endeavor and Allmight, resentment burning like lava in his body. He watches while jealousy and envy curl up like snakes in his belly, hissing.
For once, the monster where his heart should be is not clawing. Probably sated with the cocktail of bitterness brewing in him already.
Why do they get pros who want to help them succeed, while Katsuki was stuck with someone who only nitpicked his shortcomings? Who only saw the worst in him.
Maybe what Best Jeanist and his mother saw really were all there was to Katsuki. Maybe he really was just a broken, cruel villain who was only good for making those around him look better because of his rottenness.
Maybe the clawing, snarling thing in him wasn't a creature, maybe it was just him.
Ejiro grabs Katsuki's shoulder, chipper and says something Katsuki doesn't hear, too busy shrugging him off and walking away. Afraid that he will somehow infect Kirishima with whatever is in him that is so horribly, horribly, wrong.
Katsuki walks away, spiraling.
If they were right, what is Katsuki even doing here?
All he knows is that he is tired of fighting himself, trying to be better when he clearly can't change.
—
The League of Villains kidnaps Katsuki again.
Shigaraki is explaining again all the reasons why he should join the league and, unlike last time, Katsuki actually listens this time.
To be honest, the villains' points aren't wrong.
(Actually, they are very very right this time)
He's right, none of the heroes he knew ever reached out after he got kidnapped. Nobody told him, "I'm sorry that happened to you and it’s not your fault. We messed up.” Heck, even knowing that Katsuki had been tied up by villains, Jeanist still hadn't hesitated to tie him up as well.
Katsuki finds himself actually thinking about Shigaraki's offer.
The villain is still monologuing when Katsuki makes his decision, “Alright.”
The villain slimeily chuckles, “Look, I know you don't see it but eventually-”
The villain stops pacing for a second, processing what Katsuki said. Even the other members in the room (who previously had looked like they were tuning out Shigaraki's monologue just as Katsuki usually does) perked up, staring at Katsuki.
“Did you just say you wanted to become a part of the League of Villains?”
Katsuki shrugs at the befuddled villain, exhausted, “What can I say? You're right, I have been mistreated by the heroes. And, to be frank, the entire world already thinks of me as a villain. Nothing I say or do will ever be able to change their mind.”
Katsuki swallows nervously at that part, staring at the ground as he realizes that fact. No matter what he did, how hard he worked, people were always going to find something to hate about him.
Shigaraki's face slowly changes from shock to a sly grin.
“Youre right,” He purred, “If their only going to see the worst of you, what's the point of trying to be better?”
Katsuki nods, still staring at the cement floor.
“Dabi, go untie him,” Shigaraki orders.
Dabi walks over to where Katsuki is, a strange look in his eyes. Dabi unties him and says, “Welcome to the league, kid”
The blond is still eyeing the fire quirk user as he rubs the sleep out of his wrists when Toga cheers loudly, breaking the silence of the bar and rushes over to tackle Katsuki. As Katsuki growls at the excited girl throwing herself on him he hears the other league members celebrating. He gets a glimpse of Dabi and Shigaraki looking at each other with weird expressions on their faces before Toga is bombarding him with questions.
Katsuki sees them looking at him and Dabi smiles at him before he is swept away into the rest of the league celebrations.
There was nothing left for him in his old life, maybe he can be something more in his new one.
The monster purrs in contentment in his chest as Katsuki accepts the fact that he was never meant to be anything good.
After
Katsuki has been with the league of villains for three months, and he thinks Himiko might be his best friend.
The first time she walked into him cutting himself, she simply bounded over to lick the blood on his arm and told him how dare he cut himself without her!
She then helped Katsuki bandage his arms and promised him she would not tell the others, even though Himiko is sure they would be completely fine with it.
Toga is the one who takes care of him on days where the knowledge that his life goal, be the number one hero (or just be a hero) was never going to happen. That the thing that kept him going in his worst moments, that helped him ignore all of the horrible things in his life. (He cried a lot those first few months, then he would feel pathetic that he was acting like Deku, then cry some more with the knowledge that something about Deku was intrinsically better than him in everyway)
Toga helped him sit up in bed and hand feeds him. She had very little care for modesty, so she also drags him to the bath once a week to clean him and wash his hair.
All the while keeping a steady spiel of mindless chatter.
And when he was in one of his worst depressive episodes, crying in his bed for hours on end, she would come and curl up on his side silently.
——
Eventually, the peace must end. Dabi barges into his room one day and tells him, “Alright, the boss let you mope but now it's time to start pulling your weight, kid.”
Katsuki stares at him and then turns around on his bed to face away from the fire-user.
Dabi tsks and comes over to drag Katsuki up from his bed. “Come on kid,” Dabi grunts, “You gotta get up.”
Dabi tries fruitlessly to coax Katsuki up for a few more minutes until he finally just stands over the blond ex-UA student, hands on hips, thinking.
Katsuki is in the midst of his sulking about how much his life sucks when the fire user speaks again.
“Look, your whole life purpose used to be becoming the number one hero, right? Being the best hero of all time?”
Katsuki peeks at Dabi from the nest of blankets he's buried himself under and nods hesitantly.
“Now, that purpose is moot, right?” asks the villain, "That's why you agreed to join us.”
Katsuki can feel an old anger rising in him again at Dabi's careless dismissal of his life's purpose.
“Now,” the villain continues, “You need a new life purpose”
Katsuki feels his growing anger stop, and thinks about what the villain was saying. Dabi watches him, with a growing smile as Katsuki thinks about this. They stare at each other for a second before Dabi starts talking again.
“I happen to have some experience with having to discard your life's purpose and reinvent yourself.” the villain starts.
“So I will help you,” Dabi continues, before narrowing his eyes at Katsuki, “But only this one time kid, don't expect any handouts after this ok?”
“First things first, you need a new look.”
——
Several boxes of dark brown and orange hair dye, tattoos, and piercings later Dabi watches the blonde stare at himself in the mirror. He looks like a real villain now with his new dark brown peekaboo and orange streaks. A septum piercing with a spiky ring through it with a cartoon skull with cross bones on his high cheekbone near his eye. Himiko did his eyeliner mixing sharp cat eyes with some smudging stylishly under his eyes. The kid's cheekbones are still kinda gaunt, but around the other starving villains they stand out less than Dabi imagines they did around all the heroes and his old class, and the baggy clothing looks more intentional than just an attempt to hide the depths of his weight loss.
Dabi smiles proudly next to him in the bathroom, clearly smug about Katsuki's transformation into a ‘true’ villain (or his villain era as Himiko would say, the Swiftie).
“What do you think spitfire?” the villain asks Katsuki. “Did I do a good job?”
Katsuki looks at Dabi through the mirror, his eyes widened a little at the question, almost like he's nervous, “Yeah. You did.”
And then breaking eye contact, even quieter, “Thank you”
Dabi's eyes soften, recognizing the vulnerability the kid was giving him in that moment and realizes: this kid wasn't joking when he agreed with Shigaraki that he would never be anything good, he genuinely believed that.
Dabi almost feels bad for the kid.
Dabi stares at Katsuki a moment more before Himiko bursts into the bathroom, ruining the moment.
——
Katsuki has become a more valuable player than Shigaraki could have ever imagined. At the most he knew that the boy could fight and would be good soldier for their cause and at the very least with his quirk he could’ve become a very powerful nomu (He discarded using the boy as a bargaining chip, the evidence has shown that the hero’s and the kids parents would not give anything good for the kid. The sports festival and Best Jeanist careless disapproval of the boy proved that.)
But it turns out the boy had the layout of UA and several top pro hero’s agencies memorized, including where blind spots in the cameras were and guard shifts. He also had incredible instincts when it came to battle strategy and had insider information about pro hero’s, like where they are weakest and when they aren’t on duty.
The boy also had a lot of more practical skills that were very useful when the league was on the run from the hero’s and camping out in forests. He knew how to make a fire from scratch, how to tie up the food so bears didn’t get it, set traps for wildlife and how to skin and cook what he got. As well as what plants were safe to eat and weren’t. Plus his knife throwing skills were on-par to Togas, which was saying something.
Besides those pesky depressive episodes he got back when he first joined the league, Tomura is very proud of his new recruit.
All of this Shidaraki relays back to his master, All for One.
——
“Come onnn slowpoke!” Himiko giggled, running ahead of Katsuki on the roof of a building in the sketchier part of town, where even the hero’s dare not invade.
Katsuki huffs, but runs faster to catch up to the blond girl whose hair was currently in two matching braids and woven basket hanging off her arm, giving her the appearance of Goldilocks with her denim skirt, boots, and red flannel. “Where are we even going anyway?”
Himiko grinned, “It’s a surprise! I can’t tell you.”
Katsuki rolled his eyes but continued following after the girl who was bounding from rooftop to rooftop ahead of him.
——
“Surprise!”
Shouts Dabi and Himiko, gesturing to the rooftop picnic with enough food for three set up with a birthday cake that said “Happy Birthday” in a pretty cursive font.
“What's all this,” Katsuki mumbles, a little overwhelmed by the obvious planning and care that was put into making this little setup. Staring at the cake where candles were burning, the wax slowly dripping onto the top of the cake.
“Wellll it is your birthday today,” Himiko grins. “We thought it would be nice to put a little something together for you!”
“Now don't go thinking we care or anything, but it has now also been almost a year since you joined the league,” Dabi cuts in. “Figured its been a sec since any of us has had any cake. This is more for me and Toga honestly.”
Katsuki stays silent.
Himiko pipes up before the silence they found themselves in got anymore awkward. “What are we standing around for? Let's eat some of this yummy cake! I even brought some blood to put on top to make it extra tasty!"
Katsuki wrinkled his nose at that and Dabi said,"Gross Himi.”
Himiko sticks out her tongue at him as they sit down and start digging into all the (stolen) food Dabi and Himiko got, chatting and bickering mindlessly.
And as Katsuki is sitting there, surrounded by an arsonist and a cannibal, both murderers. He thinks, when was the last time he felt as loved and cared for by anyone besides the League of Villains? Katsuki can't even remember the last time he was shown kindness by anyone but these villains. He smiles at that thought, joining the LoV was the best decision he has ever made. The only decision he has ever made that actually made his life better.
Katsuki was very tired, was angry, was hated by everyone including his own parents, was alone and worthless and fighting an uphill battle that he was never gonna win against the world.
Keyword: was.
And now it isn't Katsuki against the world, it's the League of Villains plus Katsuki against the world.
Somehow, Katsuki just knows that the world doesn't stand a chance against them.
Doesn't stand a chance against a Katsuki that now understands that he was never worthless, he was just treated that way. Donest stand a chance against his rage at that fact.
They are gonna burn the world to the ground, burn the cruel, unfair, heartless world that threw them all out for being different and start again.
Together.