Bruhtacos
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Never, Under Any Circumstances by malfoyesque, Noxternal
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
13 Dec 2025
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Summary
Hermione forgets to buy a present for the Secret Santa exchange.
So, she offers her giftee the one thing he's always wanted.
Because giving Draco Malfoy a free pass to kiss her, even once couldn't possibly go wrong.
Could it?-------------------------------------------------------
“Don’t worry, I’ll kiss you eventually.” His fingertips trailed up her forearm, gaze dropping to watch their path. Then, they flicked back to hers. “But before that happens…”
His lips curled into a smirk once more.
“I’m going to make sure that you’re just as desperate for it as I am.”- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 15,000
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 288
- Kudos:
- 2,238
- Bookmarks:
- 558
- Hits:
- 23,252
Bookmarked by Bruhtacos
29 Jun 2026
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Summary
When sixth-year Tom Riddle suggests a fake relationship to silence Hogwarts gossip, Hermione Granger knows it’s a terrible idea—and agrees anyway. She’s tired of being a punchline. And if pretending to date the most untouchable boy in school will shut Ron Weasley up? So be it.
The rules are simple: act real, keep it secret, and never let it become anything more.
But Tom Riddle never intended to let her go. And Hermione?
She should have read the terms & conditions.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 113,251
- Chapters:
- 24/24
- Comments:
- 522
- Kudos:
- 1,690
- Bookmarks:
- 433
- Hits:
- 51,797
Bookmarked by Bruhtacos
29 May 2026
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Summary
Tom Riddle is pretending to be infatuated with her. Hermione wants to know why.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,145
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 98
- Kudos:
- 5,192
- Bookmarks:
- 1,073
- Hits:
- 73,081
Bookmarked by Bruhtacos
27 May 2026
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Summary
Hermione goes back in time to kill Voldemort before he orchestrates a devastating war, her destination being the Battle of Hogwarts. Instead she lands in 1944, where she catches the attention of a young Tom Riddle. They begin exchanging letters and the occasional body part.
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 173,777
- Chapters:
- 46/46
- Collections:
- 13
- Comments:
- 2,680
- Kudos:
- 5,557
- Bookmarks:
- 1,881
- Hits:
- 276,799
Bookmarked by Bruhtacos
24 May 2026
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Summary
Hermione Granger attends an ancient Roman-style Bacchanal with a plan: fulfill the requirements of the Ministry’s Repopulation Act, stay anonymous, and leave with no (additional) complications.
That is, until she meets a wizard far too tempting to resist.
— OR —
Draco Malfoy approaches Hermione Granger at a masked breeding-themed revelry, and she quickly realises he has no idea that it’s her.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 13,201
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 115
- Kudos:
- 941
- Bookmarks:
- 233
- Hits:
- 10,223
Bookmarked by Bruhtacos
18 May 2026