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"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness".
1 John 1:9
Edward Teach knows sin and guilt. He's got success and fame, a life that most would envy professionally, but his personal life is another matter entirely. He's shit at relationships, shit at finding happiness, in general, Ed's always been a bit shit. He knows he's floating through life, and eventually floats back into the same city he went to college. The same city he once crushed a sweet guy all for the sake of winning a bet.
And meets Father Stede Bonnet, a man who seems to see into his guilt-laden soul and offers to wash his sins clean.
Bookmarked by FPwoper
29 Jun 2026
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Acts Of Contrition
KalansPhantom(potential series?)
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Stede sells soap. Ed sells soup. Their adjacent holiday market booths give them a chance to become fast friends. A sudden emergency has Ed offering a wild solution—a quick sham marriage to allow Stede to keep accessing his much-needed medication.
Ed’s never planned to get married. Stede never wants to be married again. It’s an easy choice, as long as no one’s heart gets involved.
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"What's on your mind, Stede?"
"It's just… well, it's rather hard to believe, isn't it?" Stede says.
"What, that Thomas and Maria are snogging already after he left her behind? It's a romance novel, Stede. It's not supposed to be realistic. You've gotta suspend your disbelief a bit, man."
"No, it's not that. It's just… Kissing. All of the romance novels make it out to be this huge, world-changing, earth-shattering experience. And it's just a bit silly, is all."
Ed swallows. "I dunno. It can feel really nice, y'know. With the right person."
Or, Stede confesses that he's never really seen the appeal of kissing before. What is a good co-captain to do but offer his own lips for the taking?
Bookmarked by FPwoper
20 Jun 2026
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You Don't Have To Be Cool
Temporal_discounting -
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Ed's fresh out of prison and she has a heist to run.
Only, it's not just any heist, it's her One Last Job, and the only person she knows who's crazy enough to help her pull it off is her ex:
Stede fucking Bonnet.
Luckily, Ed is a professional.
Bookmarked by FPwoper
16 Jun 2026
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Ya Soshla S Uma
oatmilktruther -
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Stede makes a bitchy comment to Ed about Mary and Doug's wedding. (At Mary and Doug's wedding.) A joke starts: "if we got married" - and then, suddenly: it's not a joke, is it?
Series
- Part 2 of The Accidental Modern AU
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He’s never met Stede before, but apparently his dad wrote that book they make everyone read in college - “Hunting the Shot” or “Shooting the Hunt” - something like that. Stede Bonnet of the erstwhile Bonnet Productions. Ed’s worked with these types for twenty years. He’d imagined a guy like Stede in an air-conditioned tent with a cup of tea, or calling the shots from a comfortable room somewhere far off. Ed’s surprised that a fancy producer-type like Stede is here on the teetering edge of the Himalayas, camped in a city whose roads and buildings converge on the site of a fallen palace. The crew has been in the hills for some time.
They’ve come to find a snow leopard.Documentary videographer Ed Teach retired at the top of his game five years ago. An odd request from documentary producer Stede Bonnet has lured him back into the field to join a film crew in the mountains of India. Ed and Stede are looking for a snow leopard, but end up finding something unexpected along the way.
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“Holy fucking shit,” Ed exclaimed, unable to tear his eyes away from the window.
Turns out Ed's new neighbour is the man who broke his heart twenty years prior.
Surely, this will be absolutely fine and not bring up any unresolved feelings for either of them... Right?
Bookmarked by FPwoper
06 Jun 2026
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the windows of this love
watchtheflow -
Feels so good when I'm near you, holding hands and making love by veeagainst
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
04 Jun 2026
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Ed thinks about sex, and sex with Stede, across several sexual experiences between them.
Bookmarked by FPwoper
06 Jun 2026
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Feels so good when I'm near you, holding hands and making love
veeagainst -
softhearted bad boy looking for short-term fun by daydreamcrash
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
31 May 2026
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Sorry, I’m far too old for you! Best of luck with the dating. ☺️
There. Yes, good. He feels much less perverted now.
A message dings in. Gosh, that was fast. These kids and their phones.
that why you’ve got your age range set so low, is it?
(or: Stede wakes up with a hangover and a 21 year old in his inbox calling him zaddy.)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,021
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 35
- Kudos:
- 164
- Bookmarks:
- 11
- Hits:
- 635
Bookmarked by FPwoper
01 Jun 2026
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softhearted bad boy looking for short-term fun
daydreamcrash -
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Just pixels, far as the eye can see. Pixelly sky and pixelly sea. Pixelly boats to sail on the endless squares of blue. Pixel people regurgitating pixel script to him, over and over and over again.
But Ed’s got an inkling, based on absolutely fuck all, that ‘Stede’ is not one of them. ‘Stede’ doesn’t feel like one of them.
(or: Ed is trapped in a pirate video game. Maybe Stede is too?)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 8,500
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 123
- Kudos:
- 231
- Bookmarks:
- 55
- Hits:
- 1,754
Bookmarked by FPwoper
23 May 2026
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software gore heart
daydreamcrash -
Routine Pelvic Exam by Pumpkinseed_Sunfish for burberrylou, alwaysan_angel
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
07 Jan 2023
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What do you want me to say?? You read the tags!
Stede sees a new gynecologist and they help relieve the discomfort he feels during intercourse.
Bookmarked by FPwoper
22 May 2026
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Routine Pelvic Exam
Pumpkinseed_Sunfish -
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“I don’t really think of you as, like, one thing or the other. You’re just Stede to me.”
“Just Stede.” His voice cracks a little. He feels oddly tearful.
Ed sees him. Completely.
“Just Stede. With your fishy merperson tail and your glittery scales alllll the way up here, and your fancy trident and your swishy blond hair.”
“That’s weirdly validating.”
Bookmarked by FPwoper
20 May 2026
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same as it ever was
daydreamcrash -
- Words:
- 269,545
- Works:
- 2
- Bookmarks:
- 6
Bookmarked by FPwoper
16 May 2026
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serpent_and_dahlia - Right Where You Left Me
01. Right Where You Left Me
02. let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time -
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When Ed regresses, Stede braids his hair.
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Only once they were out of sight of the café did the man stop and take his arm away, giving Stede a sheepish little grin. “Looked like you needed rescuing back there,” he said, and then held out his free hand. “I’m Ed.”
Stede, still a little dumbfounded, grasped Ed’s hand in a weak shake. “Stede. Stede Bonnet. I’ll pay you back for the tea, I promise. I get paid next week.”
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A modern AU where Ed saves Stede from embarrassment in a café, and then suddenly accidental sugar daddy happens. This is a prompt fill from the OFMD kink meme, the fic is all complete and a new chapter will be posted weekly.
ETA: A podfic version of this fic, read by the incomparable SD_Ryan, is available here!
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Ed wakes up being humped by his krakenified boyfriend. Things get heated, and heavy, from there.
Beta reader feedback: “HOLY LIQUID POPPERS TENTACLE BATMAN”
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Stede’s first pitch, when he broached the subject, was that he would be a fearsome pirate captain and Ed a fiery tavern wench. Which, like— it’s not that Ed wasn’t up for it, he totally was, but maybe he did make a teasing comment that made Stede start worrying about looking like a misogynist, and he’s already tying himself up in some guilt-ridden existential crisis long before Ed can find a big enough gap in the conversation to point out that maybe there is not an unproblematic way to do a fucking ravishment fantasy.
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- Words:
- 132,119
- Works:
- 2
- Bookmarks:
- 8
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Summary
Middle-aged writer Edward Teach is on an extended sabbatical to finish the last novel in his most successful series, but just when it finally looks like he’s going to wrap things up, a cute, blond, twenty-something waltzes in to derail his epilogue.
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Summary
Stede likes sharing food with his new friend Ed. Bringing him treats and new indulgences to try. He likes it a lot.
Maybe too much?
Fuck.