Chapter Text
Keep your eyes fixed on me.
no…
It’s just a magic trick.
no, don’t.
Stay right where you are- please would you do this for me?
oh god.
Goodbye John.
Goodbye John.
Goodbye John…
NO! Sherlock!!
I awake with a start, shouting into the blackness. Eyes wide open, I sit panting, tears streaming unbidden. 3:24am, my watch glows mockingly. I glance over at the pale shape in front of me as I roll my head to rid my neck of kinks, swiping at my cheeks. Hospital chairs are not meant for sleeping. Exhausted, my mind wanders back to that moment again and again. My own personal hell, my worst nightmare come true and forever scorched into my brain.
My heart dropped as the realization hit. What had he done? I saw him for a brief second, high above the world, seemingly immortal. Without conscious thought, my body propelled toward him. I heard the impact of a very mortal man meeting earth, and my knees buckled. I hit the ground and rolled over, wanting to go too, to let the blackness envelope me. But the smallest glimmer pushed me to my feet. The tiniest sparkle of hope sent me crashing forward, surging toward the crumpled mass on the sidewalk. I reached for him, overwhelmed, the weight of grief threatening to hold me down. My friend. No. Not him. Not now. I know him for real. “I’m a doctor, I’m his friend.” As our skin touched, a flicker whispered. A pulse. I allowed myself to sink down then, to breathe life into that sparkle of hope. I stared after him as they wheeled him away, the thrum of his pulse still warm on my fingers, the blankness of his eyes burned into my own. Please...
Now, days later, the sparkle of hope remains; tiny but steady, beeping into the small and sterile room. Lost in my own thoughts, I look down at the pale figure in front of me, barely visible among a sea of tubes and wires. So still and quiet; a stark contrast to the enigmatic hero that I’ve come to know so dearly. I suck in a deep breath and glance towards the door. It seems safe here, to speak my thoughts freely. Trapped in my own mind for days, I've barely slept, eaten or spoke, but the unspoken words claw at my throat, threatening to burst free.
“Umm. Right. Hmmm.” I mumble, gathering courage. “You…you told me once that you weren’t a hero. There were times I didn’t even think you were human, but let me tell you this; you were the...best man, and the most human….human being that I’ve ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so…..there.” I finish breathlessly, a sob threatening to erupt. I glance about the room again. Just the two of us in this empty space. The corridor outside the room is quiet too, visiting hours long past. “I was….” I lift my hand and rest it gently on top of his arm. “I was so alone, and I owe you so much.” My voice betrays me then, cracking. My eyes fill with tears and the enormity of my confession threatens to strangle me. I stand up, needing to put distance between myself and the weight of the words that just spilled out of me. Taking another deep breath to steady myself, I hold onto the back of the chair for support. I have more to say. “Just one more thing, mate, one more thing: one more miracle, Sherlock, for me.” “Just…don’t….die. Would you do…? Just for me, just stop it. Stop this!” I draw in another shaky breath, gesturing wildly around the room. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to handle all of these emotions; the guilt, the hurt, the betrayal, the grief. I'm drowning and I'm so alone again. I cover my face as sobs rack my body, allowing the weight of grief this time to swallow me.