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“Hey, come look at this!” Beth shouted across the house. Daryl and T-Dog jogged from the kitchen to find Beth and Carl in the living room where they were searching for supplies. It hadn’t been long since they escaped the farm, but their food supplies were already getting low.
Beth stood by a cupboard holding a much too familiar white, tightly wrapped in cellophane, brick. The cupboard was nearly full of more of the same white bricks, along with some smaller ones that were a darker colour, and various baggies of pills. There were some more pipes, rolling papers, and a bong.
Daryl felt his mouth go dry and an ache he hadn’t thought about in a long time come back at full force.
As everyone slowly piled into the room Daryl cleared his throat and stepped back, wondering why the hell he suddenly wanted to snatch the brick from Beth and snort it. It’d been years since he’d done anything that hard. It was hard to avoid it around Merle and his so-called-friends, but Daryl was lucky, he could take most things occasionally and not need it over and over again.
He had never been an addict, not like Merle was.
At least he thought that was the case.
“We found the guy - the dealer, I guess - upstairs,” Maggie said looking into the stash.
Daryl glanced at her and Glenn to see the walker blood on Glenn’s shirt.
“Looks like he took half of what he had, puked more of it out and died of an overdose,” Glenn explained, “Or choking on his own puke.” At the look everyone gave him Glenn sheepishly added, “It wasn’t nice, that’s all I’m saying.”
Daryl snorted, he knew a few people that had done the same thing at the start. He and Merle had found their bodies in similar fashions to what Glenn described but probably less decomposed.
“Do you ever go into one of those rooms and think, this is nice?” T-Dog asked. Glenn rolled his eyes.
“You okay?” Rick asked them concerned.
Maggie nodded. “Jus’ one. Nothin’ we couldn’t handle.”
“Should we keep some of this?” Beth asked, everyone looked back at her bewildered. “I mean, for medical reasons. Not to get high!” she added with a roll of her eyes and an amused smile.
“What’s there?” Hershel asked.
Beth looked at him bewildered. “I don’t know.”
Daryl sucked in a breath to keep himself calm and took the brick off of Beth. He used his knife to rip open the cellophane and took a careful whiff. It was sweet and yet had a chemical smell, reminding him of gasoline.
“What are you doin’?!” Lori gasped.
“S’coke I think,” Daryl said, putting the brick down and reached for one of the smaller slightly darker bricks.
“Most drugs have a certain smell,” Rick explained to her and took the brick Daryl put down, taking his own whiff, “helps to identify them.”
Daryl grunted in reply and sniffed at the other one, it smelt bitter like vinegar but he couldn’t quite identify it. “You’d know?” he asked Rick.
Rick nodded and took it from him. “Heroin I think.”
“Could use that,” Daryl suggested, hoping he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt. The entire group turned to look at him, Meggie, Hershel, and Beth were just confused but the rest of them looked suspicious of his intent. Daryl narrowed his eyes at them all. “ What ? Heroin and morphine are made from the same shit. Keep it as a painkiller. Chances are we’re gonna need it. Only use small amounts though. Could use some to bargain.” He glanced between Rick and T-Dog. “If we find Merle, give ‘im some of this shit and he’ll forgive ya in a heartbeat.”
T-Dog laughed but Rick barely smiled. He never smiled these days, hell with the world right now that shouldn’t be a surprise but the rest of the group tried to keep their spirits up with games and jokes. Rick spent his time worried about Lori and trying to keep them alive.
Rick had gone from someone Daryl begrudgingly respected to someone he genuinely cared for and respected the hell out of. The other feels that had started to show up in the farm he desperately tried to ignore.
Rick tilted his head in a I guess so motion. “Yeah, keep a brick or two then. We don’t need the coke or anything else."
“Could use it for trade?” Daryl suggested again.
Rick shook his head. “Not worth the space. We can trade the heroin if needed.”
Daryl wanted to argue the point but Rick was their leader, and Daryl knew if he argued for it too hard everyone would get suspicious so he stayed quiet, fingers twitching to take some.
“I already took some matches,” Carl thought to tell them. Rick patted his shoulder in thanks.
“Which one was that?” Beth asked but Rick had already swiped the cellophane wrapping and re-wrapped the one they opened before giving it to Hershal who tended to carry their medical supplies.
Daryl also picked up the rolling papers for himself, shoving them in his pant pockets as Rick examined the pills with Hershal, keeping some of them.
“Found some cans of food,” T-Dog said, “Not much but good for tonight.”
“We should check out a few more houses around here before the light’s gone,” Rick decided, “Grab what you can and let’s go next door."
Daryl knew he shouldn’t do it, he didn’t need it but that ache in the back of his throat had him waiting until no one was looking and then he grabbed one of the coke bricks and shoved it deep into his bag before jogging to catch up.
Guilt immediately had his gut churning. He hadn't taken in years, he’d never needed it. But he felt worse at the idea of putting it back and never having the option, plus Rick was wrong, the trade of this much coke could get them more food, or something Lori could need in her pregnancy.
Not many people are going to need formula but they will definitely want coke. At least that’s what he told himself. He wouldn't use it. Not whilst he had people to care for but after that, when they were all gone, why not keep it for then?
Over the first few days Daryl was all too aware he had two pounds of coke in his bag. First time he caught Carl near his bag he shouted at the poor kid that was just looking for some water. Lori wouldn’t stop glaring at him for hours after that. Daryl put it down to baby hormones but wouldn’t dare say something like that to her; he was smarter than that.
Rick kept sending him concerned looks, but Daryl replied with glares. He didn’t know how to explain himself, especially to Rick, the first man who trusted him with things nobody had in his entire life. The thought of how disappointed Rick would be if he found out was nearly enough to get him to throw them out but he couldn’t.
He couldn’t bring himself to dissect why it would be worse with Rick than anyone else, not yet.
After that he was more careful to keep his bag nearby, he should have learnt after Carl took his gun leaving him wondering where the hell it had gone until he saw the kid holding it back on the highway.
As the weeks passed he started to forget about it, and when he did think about it he considered throwing it away, but whenever he tried he was filled with anxiety and a sudden desperation to get high. Besides, he told himself he wasn’t going to take it now but why not keep it for the future. Just in case he needed it one day?
The group - dare he say family yet? - helped him to resist and on the good days when they had enough food and found somewhere safe enough for more than one night, then it was easy. But the darker days always came and his bag just felt heavier than ever; when their food was low or they saw a scene that was too horrible to comprehend, on those days his bag was a lead weight on his back, and he found himself looking out for the best times to sneak off and take some.
Every idea he had he would quickly squash, especially when they didn’t even have a house for the night. He couldn’t put them at risk; he knew what he was like high, he would be reckless, too confident in his abilities. He would get someone killed.
He didn’t even want to think about what they would think about him if they found out.
The day they found a nursery, Daryl nearly gave into the urge. Everything felt like too much, how could they keep going in a world so horrid?
He just wanted to have something else to think about for a while and not care.
He got as far as sitting in a locked room with his knife ready to open it, he was going to give in.
Then some laughter drifted up the stairs towards him. It was false and too high but a sign of everyone trying desperately to keep their spirits up. It was enough to give him pause but not enough to stop him until a knock on the door had him quickly wrapping the brick back in his poncho just in time for Carol to push the door open smiling softly. “Hey, you okay?”
Daryl grunted, holding the poncho against his torso hoping it didn’t look suspicious.
“We found this,” she offered out a Hershey’s wrapper. Daryl took it to find a small piece left in there. “Shared it between the ten of us, sorry it’s not much.”
Daryl bit back a smile wondering how he could tell her what it meant. It succeeded in reminding him exactly what he had to lose.
“Thanks,” Daryl said softly, popping it in his mouth and taking a moment to appreciate the sweetness. “I’ll be down in a sec,” he promised.
Once Carol was gone Daryl shoved the poncho in the bottom of his bag and ran back down before he could change his mind. He made it in time to hear Beth’s singing and Maggie joining in.
Everyone either nodded at him or asked if he was okay as he sat down in his abandoned spot between Carl and Glenn. Daryl shrugged their concern off and lost himself in Beth’s voice.
A small weight on his shoulder had Daryl opening his eyes to see Carl drifting off, using Daryl’s shoulder and then the boy shifted to lay down, using Daryl’s much softer lap as a cushion. He smiled down at the kid. Carl was still so young and didn’t deserve this life. Daryl wanted him to keep as much of his innocence as he could.
“Glenn, you got that camera?” Rick asked, Glenn had found a polaroid camera on a run a while back and kept it.
Daryl flipped Rick the bird and for the first time in a while, Rick laughed. Daryl decided that he liked his laugh, it was free and high. His eyes went bright and happy, for just that second he looked nothing like the recent brooding Rick.
Rick held his gaze even after he sobered up and smiled softly.
It was Lori that pulled them out of their moment asking, “Do you want me to move him?”
“S’fine,” Daryl shrugged, he was comfortable leaning against the wall and Carl barely got enough sleep as it was, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the kid.
Looking into Carl’s pure young face had Daryl wanting to throw the brick away, remove the temptation. Yet when he tried, he found it filled him with anxiety, he couldn’t lose his one lifeline. His escape when he has nothing left to lose.
The first time Rick left him in charge of everyone only made his stomach churn with guilt. It felt wrong - the idea of Rick trusting him with everyone, with his son and pregnant wife. Him, the redneck junkie scum. He was no better than his brother. He might as well give in and be what everyone always expected of him before this.
A small voice, that sounded much too like Rick’s, reminded him he hadn’t taken any, he wasn’t a junkie, but he was still redneck scum.
The guilt only made him want to take more, which added to the guilt and left him wanting to give up and disappear into the forest, but instead he managed a stiff nod and a promise that he’s got it whilst Rick, Glenn, and T-Dog went on a fuel run.
***
Months passed and Daryl barely looked at it, but it’s weight was a reassurance on his back.
The months were cold and the snow had been unforgiving. The only upside of it was that the walkers froze along with everything else. It gave them time to sit and take a break in a single house for more than a couple of days.
But when Daryl wasn’t on watch or on a run, he was with the group trying desperately to stay warm. The thought of them crossed his mind - he couldn’t care about the cold if he was high - but that wouldn’t help his family.
He didn’t take any. He wasn’t going to whilst there were people counting on him.
Soon the snow melted and they had to move on before a herd reached them.
It was on one of the darker days, they were out of food and gas, and had to hold up in some addicts’ shack in the middle of nowhere.
They found a house in the middle of the woods that reminded Daryl of his dad’s place with the floor covered in beer cans and broken glass, and stinks of booze even after being abandoned for months. Daryl could nearly see his old man sitting on the chair watching porn on TV.
Glenn was on watch and everyone else was either asleep or falling asleep and Daryl had enough of sitting in his memories. He got up to step out when he noticed Carl shivering in his sleep. The worst of winter had passed but this house was drafty so he dug into his bag finding his poncho, it was wrapped around the brick making it difficult to extract without anyone seeing but he managed it and placed it over the boy before sneaking out.
Glenn didn’t question it, he just reminded Daryl to holler if needed and Daryl found a spot deeper into the forest to sit down and finally dig through his bag, taking the brick out and feeling its weight under his hand.
As he stared at the brick, he found himself lost in the memory of the first time he had gotten high on coke. He had been out with Merle whilst his older brother was on leave from the army, Daryl barely knew the people around him but he didn’t care, he was drunk as fuck when Merle joined him at the table holding a baggie of some white paper.
“You ever taken this, boy?” Merle asked.
Daryl glared at him, he hated being called boy, it reminded him too much of his dad. “No.”
Merle smirked and pulled out a dollar from his wallet using it to make a line and whacked Daryl’s shoulder. “You too pussy or summik?” Merle asked.
Daryl rolled his eyes and shifted so he could reach it to snort it as he’d seen others do. He had been smoking as much weed as he could steal from Merle or his dad when he couldn’t buy it himself, but he hadn’t touched anything else mostly because stealing that from his dad would probably get him killed.
After that night he found he wanted more, not needing it but for the first time he was free. He was confident, and reckless enough to fight back against his dad. He didn’t care about the consequences.
But when those consequences came in the form of a belt and heavy fists, Daryl suddenly did care, leaving him promising himself not to touch it, which he managed unless he was out at a party or his dad was on a bender and hadn’t been home in days. Only then did he let himself go loose.
His first high fuck had been like nothing he could imagine, every touch was electrified, for the first time he wasn’t too nervous to be fucked and found himself enjoying it.
God, he was horny, Daryl realised. It had been much too long since he’d had a good fuck but the only person he wanted was Rick, who he was sure didn’t feel the same.
The thought of which only made the brick in his hands feel heavier.
Footsteps had him quickly shoving the brick back in his bag and pulled out his cigarettes instead, hoping he looked natural as the object of his thoughts came towards him.
“Hey, sorry saw you leave,” Rick said, “you okay?”
Daryl shrugged and hummed. “Fine. Needed some air.”
“It’s freezin’,” Rick chuckled.
“Want my coat?” Daryl offered.
Rick snorted. “Such a gentleman.” Daryl rolled his eyes but started to slip it off when Rick held up a hand. “I’m okay, thanks man.” He still sat down and leant against a wide tree trunk. “Saw what you did for Carl, thanks man.”
Daryl shrugged. “Kid was cold.”
“Still,” Rick laughed, his relationship with Lori hadn’t gotten better but he had. He had begun to trust everyone’s skills and let himself enjoy their game nights every so often. “Hey, you sure you’re okay? You’ve been a bit distant since we stopped here.”
Daryl shrugged again but Rick was staring at him expectantly and suddenly Daryl wanted to admit to the drugs, and promise Rick he wouldn’t take them but he wanted to. Instead, he managed to say, “Place reminds me too much of my old man’s place.”
“Ah.” Rick hummed. “Sorry.”
“Ain’t got nothin’ to apologies for,” Daryl said. “He was jus’ like Merle, a drunkard junkie.” Just like him.
Rick was quiet for a minute then said, “You’re nothin’ like them, y’know that right?”
Daryl scoffed. “You didn’t know ‘em.”
“No. But I know you.”
Daryl wanted to spit it back in his face, show Rick how much he didn’t know him, but Rick was looking at him so earnestly that he couldn’t handle it. Daryl stood up abruptly. “I ain’t gonna sleep. I’ll go relieve Glenn.”
The conversation hadn’t completely stopped his temptations but it helped him get through the night. The next day they found a couple of cars and managed to get a few miles to somewhere new.
Winter was finally over and spring started, the extra food and light upped everyone’s spirits and a few more weeks had passed since Daryl considered using.
However the nights were still cold and Daryl found himself drifting off whilst on watch. After the second time he found himself falling asleep he went back inside to wake Maggie as she was on after him.
Once she was outside Daryl sat down by the fire to try and warm up. He felt eyes on him and glanced around to see Rick was awake and staring at him from where he sat nearby, leaning against the couch Carl slept on. Rick’s eyes were narrowed with a look of pure anger. Daryl had seen it aimed at others but this was the first time it was directed at him.
“Uh, hey?” Daryl whispered and raised his eyebrow trying to figure out what he did to warrant this look.
Without a word, Rick pushed Daryl’s open bag towards him.
Daryl’s mouth went dry and his hand shook as he reached out to open his bag. The coke rested at the top above the food, water, and blankets he carried. The guilt and fear settled like a lead weight in his gut.
He wanted to grab the bag and run before Rick could throw him out, before he heard the words he so dreaded out loud. But he couldn’t leave, where would he go?
He was their hunter, Rick was too smart to throw him out. That was his only comfort as Daryl forced himself to look up at Rick again.
Rick tilted his head towards the hallway.
Daryl wanted to refuse, to hide here like a kid. As long as he didn’t go with Rick then nothing bad could happen. Except it could be worse, Rick wanted to talk to him alone before the group got involved.
There was no way he could put it off so he got to his feet and followed Rick out the room, taking his bag so nobody else would find it, and up the stairs into the room they had killed two walkers and taken them out back. The room still held the faint scent of them, as did the whole planet by now.
“Carl was cold," Rick said softly, closing the door behind him and went to the window to look out. "Figured you wouldn't mind him wearing your poncho since you weren't.”
Daryl couldn't bring himself to speak.
“I’ve spent more time than I’d like around junkies,” Rick said, turning to face him, “I can usually see the signs. So, I don’t think you’ve been takin’ any, but I have to ask. That or anythin’ else?”
"No," Daryl managed to say, forcing himself to hold Rick's searching gaze.
"Because one wrong move could get Carl killed," Rick continued, "Or Lori, Carol, Beth-- you ! Just for a quick high. You let your guard down out here and people die."
"I ain't , okay!" Daryl spat unable to keep looking at the disappointment in Rick's face. "Haven't touched it."
"Then why do you have it?!" Rick shouted, his eyes darted to the door and he asked again quieter, "Why would you be carrying it if you weren't takin’ it?" Daryl faltered, how could he answer that when he didn't know himself. “Daryl--”
“Look man, I jus’ had it alright. I don’t need it,” Daryl said defensively.
"Then why was it in your bag?” Rick asked again. “I just want to understand. You wouldn’t have it if you weren’t considerin’ it.”
Daryl shrugged; he didn’t know how to answer.
Rick sighed. “You have to understand how it looks, Daryl. With your brother and--”
“And what?” Daryl spat, anger surging up in him and he rounded on Rick. “You thought I was different? That I weren’t redneck scum like Merle?” Daryl glared at him for a moment as Rick tried to school his features. “Sorry to disappoint, officer .”
Daryl spun on his heel and opened the door but Rick darted in front of him, pushing the door closed again. Daryl clenched his fists but told himself not to hit Rick.
"I know you're nothin' like Merle," Rick started again.
“You met him once and left him on a fuckin’ roof!”
"You didn't even know him before you left him on that roof!" Daryl shouted, annoyed with the questions he didn’t know how to answer. He heard movement downstairs and winced, hoping he didn’t wake anyone.
“I know he was high,” Rick’s too calm tone only worked to agitate Daryl further, “and about to get everyone killed because he wasn't thinkin' straight.”
Rick paused a moment, letting his words sink in. Daryl looked down to study his shoes.
"If you say you haven't taken anything, I believe you. But I need to know why you have it. You’re putting everyone I care about at risk.” Daryl worked his jaw, he could feel Rick stepping closer to him but he couldn’t look up at him, the disappointment was too much, “that includes you, Daryl.”
Daryl looked up, eyes wide. That gentle addition had the anger seeping from him and he suddenly felt so very tired.
Every time he felt like taking it laid heavily on his heart and he wanted to tell Rick. But admitting weakness wasn’t something that came easy to him. He was a Dixon, Dixon’s weren’t supposed to have weaknesses.
But this was Rick. The same Rick who was keeping them alive and struggling with his own humanity to do so, who has all but completely lost his wife for them.
“I weren’t ever an addict, not like Merle, but I took in the past,” Daryl admitted. Rick nodded, understanding written over his face. “I wouldn’t now. Not ever, while I got shit to lose. But how long’s tha’ gonna last? You're right. One wrong move out there, you let your guard down at the wrong moment... Ya would be surprised how close that is to growin' up with junkies. I'm used to keepin' my guard up. I'm used to survivin', 'n I'm good at it! But the others? You? How long 'til all that's left for me is them damn drugs?" he said the last part at a near whisper, almost hoping Rick didn't hear him, but Rick suddenly lunged forwards.
Daryl flinched but Rick enveloped him in a hug. Daryl stood stiffly in it until Rick laughed and said into Daryl's shoulder, "You're supposed to hug back."
Daryl patted him on the back awkwardly a few times before pulling away, catching Rick's amused smile, but he quickly sobered. "You're not gonna lose us, Daryl. You're part of our group."
“Don’t mean you ain’t gonna get killed.”
"We're gonna make it, Daryl. Sure we haven't grown up to be vigilant, not like you have, but a few months ago Carol had never held a gun before, now she's becomin' a pretty good shot. Glenn couldn't read a map if his life depended on it but now he heads the convoy most of the time. Hershal still thought the Walkers could be healed. Me? I couldn't tell a deer track from a human one, and now you've got me joining you on most hunts, and I like to think I'm helping."
Daryl managed a small smile. "S'your heavy footedness that's the problem," he said, attempting to keep his tone light.
Rick nodded. "Well, I'm workin' on that. Most of this comes from you helping us. Teachin' us. We will find somewhere we can make our own, someplace safe for Carl and the baby. We will survive and make it a home because of that. Because we're together and we've got each others backs, yours included."
Daryl tried to believe him, he wanted to but it sounded too good to be true, even before the world ended finding a home was impossible for someone like him.
Reading him better than anyone else could, Rick just smiled and said, "That's okay. I'll prove it to you. You know I like a challenge."
Daryl snorted. "Alright."
Rick stared at him, waiting for something. Daryl wanted to play dumb, pretend he didn't know, but that would just be insulting to Rick, and he wanted to do this for him. For his family.
Daryl bit back his sigh and opened his bag, picking out the brick. He hesitated for just a moment before handing it to Rick. "Fine. I'll bet it all on ya," he said as lightly as he could but his throat felt thick with anxiety and regret.
Rick let out a breath. "Thank you, Daryl."
Daryl nodded and turned away so he didn't see what Rick did with it.
A few months later, in the prison after the Governor was gone, Daryl was searching through block B in the prison and he found some more coke. Only a few small baggies of it.
For a second it crossed his mind but he remembered what Rick said and so far, he had been right. They had lost a few people, T-Dog, Lori, but gained a hell of a lot more. He took them down to the river and poured it out.
He found Rick with Judith in the sunshine, she was laying on a black whilst Rick sat in the grass leaning over to make faces at her; she was giggling loud enough for Daryl to hear. The sight was strangely relaxing to him, seeing the happiness on their faces.
It made him really start to believe everything could be okay.
Rick caught him staring and waved him over.
Daryl sat beside him in the grass and smiled down at Judith. "Hey lil asskicker."
Judith cooed in response and lifted her hands to him. Daryl leant over her to pick her up, making her giggle again as he held her in a standing position on his lap and poked his tongue out at her.
The movement had caused his hair to flop over his eyes and Daryl had to balance Judith and push it away, unused to hair this long but found he kinda liked it.
A chuckle had Daryl looking around to see Rick just smiling at him. "What?"
"Y'know Carol's been cutting everyone's hair if it's annoying you," Rick said.
Daryl shrugged. "I don't mind it."
Rick laughed. "Good. I think it suits you." Daryl felt a blush rising up his neck. "I know Carol likes it. I heard her and Maggie talking."
"Serious?" Daryl asked, frowning. He'd never thought of himself as someone girls would talk about with his too small eyes, big nose but Rick wasn't the type to make fun of him.
"Yeah," Rick laughed. "I have wondered about you and Carol?"
Daryl winced. "We're not-- she's not-- I--" Judith whimpered and started to fidget giving Daryl an excuse to think before he spoke as he adjusted her in his arms so she could look around the field. He couldn't come out to Rick, he wasn't there yet. The only people that knew he was gay were the guys in bars that had been drunk outta their heads and he had fucked or let fuck him, and usually they'd repress it afterwards anyway. "She's just a friend," he said eventually.
"Is that right," Rick said slowly. Daryl rose an eyebrow at the strange tone, trying to read into it but Rick just smiled. "That's good to know."
"It is?"
Rick nodded and got to his feet. "You okay with her for a bit? I need to go find Carl. He was supposed to meet me here twenty minutes ago."
Daryl shrugged. "We're good, ain't we little ass kicker?"
She ignored him, too focused on the pigs across the way.
"Thanks," Rick said, patting his shoulder and walked back towards the prison.
Daryl couldn't help himself in watching Rick walk away. Rick didn't make it too far before he glanced around, caught Daryl's eye and grinned widely and winked.
Daryl quickly looked away, face going hot and tried to convince himself it was just the sunlight whilst hoping it was more than that.
Judith quickly distracted him from Rick however as she started to try and pull out of his grip.
This little girl growing up in the apocalypse was terrifying but she was happy right now. All of them were. Maybe the Governor would come back, maybe he was dead. They might never know but all that mattered was this right here.
They would be okay. He would make sure of it.