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It's a struggle for him to be there.
His rage is a fire burning within him, a fuel that will keep him going until they return to their own time, where that fire can be soothed by his family.
Jiraiya, senjutsu user that he is, has picked up on the waves of killing intent Sasuke is emitting. He's aware of the sannin's suspicions about his identity, but will confirm nothing. The man won't pry - privacy, at least, is one thing he respects, and in turn, Sasuke will not pry into Jiraiya's affairs.
Sasuke can't say he respects much else about the old man, though. He never knew him well, having met him only once as a child. Naruto respected him, of course, loved him as he would a father, a godfather, even.
Even in moments when he wasn’t gifted with the photographic memory of the sharingan, there's an image of Naruto he'll always remember.
-
Kakashi had left them to their own devices by being late, yet again. Sakura was late, too. Since they'd noticed that their Sensei was perpetually late, it was reason enough for them to turn up late too. They always arrived before Kakashi anyway. She was probably with Ino, or something. Naruto wasn't there either. He was usually on time, but more recently had been held up everyday.
Sasuke had nothing else to do, so had turned up to the training grounds, as usual, on time. He usually spent the time trading jutsu with Naruto, or if Sakura were there, practicing his chakra control and developing his genjutsu skills with her. Sometimes they even went shopping in the civilian part of town (civilian shops, oddly enough, were friendlier to Naruto than shinobi shops) or went for ramen.
Today, all three of his team members were absent.
Sasuke decided to take a walk to the main gate. Perhaps he could ask the jounin or ANBU guards for some training tips.
The air this morning was heating up. The sun was just stretching over the horizon, illuminating the hokage tower and the shinobi offices. Before nii -- before that man murdered his clan, he'd often wondered about working in those offices. Kaa-san would talk about her friend, a jounin, who worked under the hokage there, and often mentioned the yondaime too. A job in the police force with his father had been his ideal dream, but working as a shinobi under the hokage, just like kaa-san's friends, well, that didn't sound too bad either.
He purposely didn't think of the reality he was living in now. He didn't have a dream beyond killing that man. He couldn't, not when he might die in his effort.
A cry of an eagle brought him sharply out of his thoughts. Right. He needed to become a chuunin before he could even consider going after Itachi.
As he came upon the main gate, he spotted a familiar head of blonde standing just beside it, leaning on the wall anxiously and examining every person, civilian or otherwise, that passed through the gate. As two men - merchants, Sasuke guesses by the carts they carry - pass through without glancing in the direction of Naruto, the boy's face darkens. He looks at the ground, clearly dejected.
"Hey, loser!" Sasuke calls out.
Naruto's head snaps up, blue eyes meeting black. "Bastard," he acknowledges, his face displaying a frown, although Sasuke can tell his heart isn't really in it. Whatever's going on here, Naruto is clearly upset.
"What's up?"
Naruto jumps, gesturing wildly, but his usual energy is perfunctory. "Y'know, just the usual waiting on Kakashi-sensei. I thought I'd come and check out the competition for the exams! You know some of them are arriving early!"
Sasuke knows this. There are more foreign shinobi passing through the gates of Konoha than usual, arriving early to the leaf village to check out the terrain and atmosphere. But Naruto isn't upset about that. Something is bothering him, and it's frustrating Sasuke. He scoffs. "No, moron. I mean why are you making that stupid face?"
"What?" Naruto's short temper rises easily, and he turns to point at Sasuke. "Who's face are you calling stupid!?"
Sasuke ignores his jab. "You're waiting for someone, right?"
Naruto flushes and turns away. "No!" He exclaims, a little too loudly. Bingo.
Sasuke rolls his eyes. "You so are. Who is it? It's not like you have many friends from outside Konoha. You don't even have many friends from Konoha."
Sasuke knows his teammate is used to this kind of insult, and it would usually begin a round of their constant bickering that Sakura complains about, but this time it just shuts Naruto down.
"Right." He huffs out. "Not many people like me that much, I get it."
Sasuke frowns. "I never said that, idiot."
At last, that was clearly the right thing to say.
"Heh. Well, you don't need to, Sasuke. It's true."
"That's a load of crap."
"It's not!" Naruto sighs. "The other day, when we were training, on your birthday, remember? Someone… someone I know said some stuff to me."
"What?" Sasuke's voice comes out unintentionally sharp.
"Well, just that they knew my parents, that was all. And that… that my parents died when I was born because they didn't want to look after me." Naruto says quietly. Sasuke feels anger pulse through him. "This person… they also told me that I have a godfather, one who's a Konoha shinobi too."
"Oh?" Sasuke is mildly curious. Who could Naruto's godfather be?
"Yeah. But, they said that my godfather also didn't want to be here. That I'd been abandoned and should give up and join them." Naruto says this last part in a rush, like it's a relief to get it out of his system.
"Who said this?" Sasuke's anger is back, hot and ready.
"Heh… n-nobody!" Naruto stammers. "It doesn't matter anyway! I guess I just wasted my time, sitting here. They're not going to come anyway. I just hoped, you know, that they might just be away on a long mission and notice me when they came back. But it doesn't matter now."
Sasuke scoffs, but it comes out more like a snarl. He meets Naruto’s unsure gaze, a blue so clear and hopeful which has been dulled by his gloom lately. "Nah. Fuck them. The person who said this and your godfather. If they don't want you, then good. You have Sakura and I now. And Kakashi, even if he is completely useless."
Sasuke hates people who abandon or hurt their family.
Naruto's face cracks into a wide smile. "Yeah! Thanks Sasuke!" He stands up abruptly, turning away from the gate completely to look at Sasuke. The morning sun shines on them, and for a moment they can feel a little hope again, that perhaps they might have some sort of future.
"Sasuke-kun! Naruto!" Both boys turn in the direction of the voice, seeing a tired-out Sakura rapidly approaching them, followed by (Sasuke notes this horrifically) a hoard of shinobi dogs.
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto waves enthusiastically, unaware of the upcoming danger.
"Oh no…" Sasuke pales as Sakura mouths ‘run’ at them frantically.
"What?" Naruto yells, wide eyed. "What happened now?"
"Kakashi got to training before us."
-
Oh, how badly Sasuke wants to yell at Jiraiya. It's been a long time, and even after working with the man to stop Urashiki, he still finds a snake, writhing in the pit of steel which constitutes his emotions: his anger at the man for not being there sooner. If Naruto was so shunned and alone, why weren't you there for him? As his godfather, couldn't you have been more responsible for him? He's only twelve, but he had to grow up alone. Or do you only care about him now you've realised he's the child from a prophecy? You don’t get to lecture me about the hardships Naruto has been through.
How badly he now wants to reassure Naruto and Sakura. It's okay. It's not your fault I left you. I don't hate you, I promise, I would never be able to do that. In fact, I think I loved you both so much that during the time I thought that love was a weakness, I tried to destroy it. I tried to destroy you. I'm sorry. I regret so much.
It's a struggle for him to be here, in this place, when he knows that his brother, only eighteen in this time, is only a distance away, alive and so young (still - Itachi was always so young, even when he seemed so much older than Sasuke). Sasuke is older now than Itachi ever became, yet the feeling of the eternally wise nii-san Itachi projected never truly left him. Looking back, Sasuke realises he never truly knew his brother, he only knew the image that Itachi had carefully crafted. He wants the chance to find out who Itachi really is.
-
When Sasuke dreams, it is of Itachi. His brother, smiling at him, congratulating him on his good academy scores. The smile of his brother, turned mocking in the moonlight as he sees his parents, Izumi, Shisui, aunt Tazuko and more, fall before him, their throats slit and dripping blood--tears--he can’t tell the difference. His brother, smiling in a way that can barely be called a smile, sadistic and insane, and it’s the last thing Sasuke sees before--
--his head! It hurts so much, nii-san, help, nii-san, what are you doing?--
--Itachi! Nii-san, stop!--
--DON’T touch me, you vile MONSTER! You KILLED them!--
--before his eye is being torn from its socket, slowly, so agonisingly and it hurts and it aches and Sasuke is screaming and he knows that Itachi’s face is going to be the last thing he sees, Itachi’s smile as his fingers are outstretched towards Sasuke’s head, his smile is real but his eyes are saying differently, are screaming forgive me, Otouto.
(It was only a genjutsu, but the sharingan gives him photographic memory of even that, a genjutsu that Sasuke couldn’t break, that Itachi allowed him to break free of. All that pain is a false memory he wants to but can never get rid of.)
He dreams of Itachi’s smile, whispering “forgive me, Sasuke, this is the last time”.
When he wakes, he is in darkness. He doesn’t remember much after the fight. He remembers Itachi’s last words, those fingers edging towards his forehead, closer and closer, the fear of feeling that pain again - of Itachi taking his eyes, but more than that, of Itachi defeating him, and Sasuke living - left as the only one, with the knowledge he will never be able to restore his clan, their honour, their memory.
Madara tells him a lot of new information. It is difficult to understand.
The man presents him with Itachi’s body. He doesn’t know what to do with it. He has so many conflicting memories of the man lying dead at his feet. He could give Itachi the traditional Uchiha funeral, burn his body. But why should he? Why should he, when at just seven years old, his katon jutsu hadn’t been enough to commemorate all of his clan, all two-hundred and eighty-four of them who will never be given a proper funeral because of Itachi.
But he can’t do nothing. This is his brother, who gave up everything just to let Sasuke live. Who made so many sacrifices, so many poor decisions because he was a child who was backed into a corner and trying to do the best he could. Who made mistakes, all because of the curse that plagues--plagued the Uchiha clan. Not a curse of hatred - because Sasuke knows hatred well, knows it intimately, over the last three years it has been his sole companion - but a curse of love, because Sasuke knows Itachi loves--loved him and for Sasuke too, it was one emotion that never truly left him.
So he grabs Itachi’s necklace, the one he knows was precious to his brother, a birthday gift from Shisui, and turns to the masked man, to Madara.
“Do what you want with his body.”
Sasuke sleeps, and when he dreams, he dreams of the past, of smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes, eyes that feel pain both physical and emotional. Of the kindness of a true smile that he saw far too little.
When he wakes once again, he feels hatred burning through his veins like a wildfire, the rage that is so unique to the Uchiha clan, who are blessed by Amaterasu. A hatred born out of love which requires something similar to cure it.
Sasuke doesn’t think about his future.
-
How badly he wants to run to Itachi, to seek comfort in him just as Boruto can by meeting his parents and Neji, who have been granted life once again by this cold gift of time travel. To tell his brother it's okay. I forgive you. I understand now that what you did was cruel and unforgiving, but that your actions were the actions of a child backed into a corner, forced to make an impossible decision. It still hurts me, but it doesn't stop me from loving you, Itachi. Can we move on from this, and rebuild?
How badly he wants to visit Danzou, or Orochimaru, and flaunt his power in their face. Look at me. You were craving my power, you were terrified of my power, and look at what I've become. Stronger than you will ever be, even with your stolen eyes, stolen bodies. I'm more moral than you will ever be, and more powerful too. Does that anger you?
How badly he wants to visit Kakashi, to tell him it wasn't your fault. Rin chose that path. He relates to his sensei in so many ways, and Rin’s decision was similar enough to Itachi’s to make it feel personal. It was her choice, Kakashi, and you can move on from that. You didn't fail Minato sensei, you didn't fail Obito, and most certainly you didn't fail Rin or yourself. You won't fail your students, either. Whoever tries to guilt you into thinking otherwise is talking shit. Have confidence, Kakashi. This is what I became thanks to your tutelage.
How badly he wants to forget it all. All the chances that are in this time period, all the moments and time he could've spent otherwise, elsewhere. He wants to go to Urashiki and trap him, torture him, give him no choice but to show him how to use that turtle to go further back in time, and maybe he can kill Danzou, Orochimaru, Obito, Madara then, just so he can save them all. Maybe he has a choice, whether to save his clan or not. Whether to forgive this village that's never been anything but pain for him, for Itachi and Kakashi and Naruto and Sakura. He wants to go to his own self in this timeline and tell him one thing, the most important thing of all. Live your life how you want to. Not how Itachi wants you to, or Orochimaru, or even Naruto and Sakura. Find a purpose, and keep going until you can never give up. Maybe then you'll have no regrets.
But he can't.
All he can do is wait for Naruto to wake up. Wait for that bastard time traveler to return, try to kill him and return to the future.
Because no matter how much he wants that change, that perfect life… he doesn't want to ruin what he has left over. Sakura, Naruto, Sarada. It's not much, but it's something. Something worth holding onto. Something precious.
He's made peace with this time.
(Or at least… he can try and convince himself that he has. The fire of the Uchiha love will always rage through him, reminding him of the truth, of what he has lost, what has been taken from him and what he can never have again.
The will of fire, Konoha called it. That never-ending spirit, never-ending love that so often turned the Uchiha towards darkness.
The will of fire burns in Uchiha veins, but Sasuke's always been more of a lightning person.)