Work Text:
Abe reluctantly stared at his page as he began to write his essay, the task was simple but somehow Abe still found that he couldn’t do it, or at least that’s what he’s convinced himself because he doesn’t want to do it. All they had to do was write a letter to someone, unfortunately his classmates struggled with whom to write to and so they were given the motif of writing to someone that had hurt them or affected them in any negative way-it was supposed to be some sort of challenge, his teacher even remarked that it could be therapeutic, and maybe it was but Abe can’t admit that because then that would mean that something was wrong, and he knows that there is but what was he supposed to do about it?
He’s been debating on whether or not he should just choose the original motif and tell his teacher that he couldn’t think of anything but then he’d be the only one that had done a different motif for class work and that would be suspicious or at least that’s all he can think will happen, which is unusual for him because he’s not normally this nervous and on edge, maybe he’s spending to much time around Mihashi?
It’s not like anyone was gonna read it anyway, his teacher stated that no one had to share their work if they didn’t want to, all they needed to do was write a letter to someone that had hurt them and then in his next lesson they would go over the letters and then everyone would individually mark their work…and so on, so its not like its that big of a deal, but for some stupid and odd reason Abe feels like he’s convinced himself that it is.
Maybe its because the minute that his teacher had offered the other motif, the one where they had to write about someone that had affected them in a negative way, the only and first person that Abe thought of was Haruna, no matter how many times he tried listing or thinking of anyone else he just got back to the same point, so yet again here he is stuck at his desk trying to write a stupid essay.
Abe angrily scrunches up the last entry that he, defiantly was not gonna use and started to rewrite yet again.
Dear Motoki Haruna,
I don’t want to be writing to you, so don’t take this as some way of me trying to reach out or catch up, it’s not like your actually gonna read this but still.
Abe knew that even fake, made up Haruna would still think that way about the letter, so he just ignored it and continued, maybe try to finish without destroying the page again.
There are so many things that I want to say to you, at the same time the thought of even speaking to you again makes me want to throw up.
And that’s true, he was surprised that he didn’t when they went to watch the semi-finals match, It would have been embarrassing but at least it would have gotten Haruna away sooner, that way he wouldn’t have had to pretend to be okay around his teammates.
So here goes nothing, I might as well start with a question because that’s the only thing that can actually help me write whatever this is…
Abe will probably have to delete that later.
Why did you hate me as soon as we met? why did you instantly look down on me? Instantly look and view me as a wall, a target, just an object that had no feelings and it didn’t matter how broken it got as long as it still worked, right? As long as it still did its job? No matter how tacky it was because that target was the only one that would or could do it.
Abe wondered if other people said that he was the only person that could do it just so that he would because it made him feel special and good at baseball? Well they were right, it worked.
I mean at least you stated your rules from the beginning (so i guess you aren't a complete liar) as long as you’re allowed to throw only 80 pitches then everything’s great and we'll get along fine, and you never did go back on that ever, no matter what happened during games.
Abe wished that during practice Haruna wouldn’t throw at all sometimes because that would mean he wouldn’t be getting hit, but everyone has unrealistic dreams and getting hurt is a common thing that happens in baseball so it shouldn’t matter if he did (though Abe knows that what Haruna did was wrong and playing baseball didn’t excuse it).
So maybe I shouldn’t be so upset that you never did go against it, what was the point of baseball if it only mattered when being a pro? What about just playing for the sake of the game? Probably the only thing I ever learned when being your catcher was how to hate baseball, it feels horrible just writing that but its true, you made me hate baseball and I was so close to quitting.
Why is it that you’re allowed to do everything you did just because of a past injury? I mean for someone who cared so much about their own health and wellbeing you gave absolute zero shits about my own. It didn’t matter how badly I was hurt or how long we had been practicing for, if you didn’t want to stop we didn’t stop (Why did I have to follow your stupid intense training schedule?) The only exception to this was if another catcher stepped in or worse an adult. Why did it take until an adult, to make you stop? Sometimes that didn’t even do it.
why did you have to believe that you were the only thing that mattered in the world and that everyone around you was bellow you and had to worship the ground you walk on?
Okay maybe Abe was going too far, but it didn’t matter anymore this was probably the 10th attempt and he didn’t want to have to try again so he just continued.
This will probably sound stupid and pathetic, but I’ve already said so much stuff that in the past you would have argued with me for days on end about, so I don’t care.
Abe hopes if he wrote that again and again then maybe it would actually be true.
Sometimes I have phantom pain from all the bruises you gave me back during seniors league, its expected right? We were paired together for three years, and you never once stopped hurting me I don’t care that it wasn’t on purpose because there are times where it feels like you did it with pure malicious intent. I am beyond surprised that I don’t have any large or noticeable scars from it all, only small ones that you would make fun off and tell me I deserved them because it wasn’t your lousy pitching and weak control that caused them (although that is most certainly where they all came from).
But I am glad that they are small and barely noticeable, it helps not being able to worry my teammates because if they were big then they would ask, I know for sure that Tajima wouldn’t be against asking where they came from, but I know that at least he wouldn’t be asking as a way to make fun of me.
I wish that wasn’t the only thing that I have to hide from my teammates. Because on days when the phantom pain is too much, I shake during practice like I did when I was around you, and I know that you knew even though you never said anything about it other than muttering under your breath that I was ‘weak and pathetic’ or ‘a cry-baby’ (and I swear you did that on purpose so I would hear).
And I have you to thank for that. I have you to thank for making it so hard to be in practice with kind and supportive players because I have to desperately hide how much I shake because even though I know its Mihashi throwing pitches at me the vision of you standing there burns my mind and I cant help but think its you and I’m back in seniors league and we’ve been practicing for god knows how long and our other teammates are calling for us to stop but you just won’t stop and I can no long feel almost my whole body with how much pain I’m in, but you just won’t stop.
Abe gave up trying to notice the mistakes he was making anymore, he needed to go to sleep soon, so he had to finish up, he most definitely was gonna get a low mark for this essay.
So I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive you for what you did and said, even if you were being honest and meant it, I don’t think it would ever go back to us being nice to each other (though that only ever happened when you wanted it too) I think I will always be on edge and mad around you because you’ve ruined the image of baseball for me and you did it when I was so young (all I ever wanted was to play baseball with you) so I am glad that I have a great team now (even though I don’t say it to them as much as I should) because they are helping me fix my image of baseball (even though they don’t know that) and we’ve lost together but I don’t really feel like I’m losing like I did before, when I was with you because I know that we will all work together and be there for each other and we will continue working hard so that we can win and I will prove that to you, so you wont look down on me or Mihashi or my team anymore.
So that’s it, I probably have more to say, so maybe in the future I will keep writing to you the made up fake Haruna but for now I’m done, From Takaya Abe.
Abe’s teacher was right, this did help and writing this all down even though it wasn’t great, it made him understand everything that had happened and understand why he even calls Haruna the worst, tomorrow during practice he’ll make sure that he lets his team now how much he appreciates them, but in a subtle way because he’s not the best at being sentimental (the only exception to that was Mihashi though).