Chapter Text
…It’s not fair…
Again… if I could go back… if I could change everything…
…Again… please… I don’t… want to die… like this…
Please… just one more time… please…
…I just wanted to be happy…
“This one deeply apologizes to Lord Yue and Lord Yue’s Husband, but just as it was stated from the name alone. Without A Cure, is a poison that does not have a cure… This Mu Qingfang is deeply sorry for failing you, Shen-Fei.” The royal healer said, his words causing Shen Jiu to tremble softly before he reigned himself, raising his head to look at the healer who was bowing to him; a healer who volunteered to come and examine him as a favor to his Lord Husband who was supposed to be here, but as always didn’t show up (But then again, when did he ever show up when it was something that involved Shen Jiu?).
“How long do I have left?” Shen Jiu asked, putting his hands on his lap as he gazed at Mu Qingfang who pressed his lips tightly and looked down. “Please tell me… Mu-Shidi…” Hearing the title that hadn’t been spoken in years, Mu Qingfang slumped in his place, letting out a pained sigh before gazing at Shen with tired and resigned eyes.
“I don’t know, I truly don’t. Herbal treatment and Qi transfer May slow down the progress of the poison, but it will not cure it; I will estimate six months, maybe a year if you are lucky…” Shen Jiu's lips wobbled at that before he gave a tired nod to the healer; it wasn’t that he didn’t know he was going to die, he just hoped that Mu Qingfang would be able to pull a miracle and tell him of a cure to help.
Wasn’t Mu Qingfang the Emperor’s royal healer because he was known for being able to produce miracles?! But Shen Jiu guessed that even a revered healer like Mu Qingfang could face obstacles every once in a while, especially when it came to foreign poisons that came from the demons living in the desert; a race that held in the old belief of no peace between humans and demons.
A month ago, an assassination attempt was made on the Yue household; in an attempt to get rid of his Lord Husband, Yue Qingyuan; one of the Emperor’s Generals and the leader of the twelve Lords (Or as some liked to call them the Pillars of the Empire) that protected the Empire. An attempt that was thwarted thanks to Shen Jiu’s quick thinking and diligence in protecting his husband and family; an attempt that even when Shen Jiu managed to stop, he was poisoned by one of the assailants before they were killed, leaving Shen Jiu in this dilemma.
Six months, maybe a year if he was lucky… that’s how long Shen Jiu had to live in this world before he departed to the afterlife, a line of thinking that brought terror and fear to Shen Jiu who was left shaking; looking around the place hoping to see the familiar face of his Lord Husband coming to the examination room and comfort Shen Jiu when he was a second away from losing it… six months, maybe a year… just thinking about his inevitable death brought nothing but terror and dread, almost making Shen Jiu break down in front of his once-upon-a-time Martial Brother.
Six months… maybe a year…
“I see… thank you, Mu-Shidi…” Shen Jiu said as he stood up, nodding to Mu Qingfang before he went on his way, walking toward the carriage that was going to take him to the Yue estate. Throughout his whole journey, Shen Jiu could only bite his lower lip hard until it bled, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder as the heavy news of his destined death finally dawned on him, causing his heart to squeeze at the thought of dying and leaving his beloved husband and fragile cousin behind.
His Lord Husband, the man he loved and adored with all his being (Even when that love turned bittersweet as his Lord ignored and ignored Shen Jiu, treating him coldly and allowing his parents to ridicule him and abuse him for mistakes he never committed; even if that love he had for his beloved festered and burned until all Shen Jiu could do as he saw his husband’s love trickled and trickled until it disappeared, was fighting tooth and nail trying to win the affection and love back) the childhood friend the fates took away from him when they were children cruelly, only for the Gods to have mercy in the end and allow him to reunite with his husband in the end. His Lord Husband, the man to whom Shen Jiu swore his loyalty and love when he was a child, even when his beloved was cold to him when it mattered…
His Lord Husband… Who was going to make sure that his husband was safe and sound? As the leader of the Pillars that protected the empire, his husband had accumulated many enemies, both from inside and outside the empire; enemies that it took all of Shen Jiu’s cunning and intelligence to keep at pay and even eliminate when the time was right… enemies that would use Shen Jiu’s death as an opportunity they always sought to launch an attack on his husband and kill him. Yue Qingyuan who was so foolish and kind-hearted, and always trusted blindly in those around him; if not for Shen Jiu rooting out traitors and spies, Yue Qingyuan would have died a long time ago because of his stupidity! So who was going to protect his husband if Shen Jiu was gone?!
Then there was his fragile cousin, Yuan-Er; the kid would be so devastated by the news that he no doubt would fall sick with the fragile health he possessed. Yuan-Er, his kind cousin who was akin to a beloved brother; the kid who begged his parents for days to take Shen Jiu in after his parents died during a fire that burned their estate and took everyone’s lives. Yuan-Er was the kind child who loved and cared about Shen Jiu when no one wanted to deal with an orphaned and disfigured kid who was just an extra mouth to feed. Shen Yuan, who stood up by his side and protected him when everyone laughed and bullied Shen Jiu because of his disfigured face and orphaned status; Shen Yuan, the fragile boy whom Shen Jiu swore to protect from the cruel world, even when the boy no longer needed his protection after he became the Qing Jing Lord.
His most precious people, what was going to happen to them when Shen Jiu inevitably died?!
“We have arrived, Shen-Fei.” One of the guards said, causing Shen Jiu to snap out of his daze; standing up before he continued his journey inside his home; he walked with a destination in mind, planning on going to his husband’s office to tell him about the news; tell him about the six months Shen Jiu had, the death that would follow… and… could they please reconcile and live what’s left of his life like the happy couple Shen Jiu hoped they would be? Even if it was a lie and Yue Qingyuan hated him, just please?
Reaching his husband’s office, Shen Jiu raised his hand to knock on the door and inform his husband of his arrival, only to stop at the last second because of the familiar giggles he heard coming from the office. “…Qi-Ge!” A giggle resonated from the room freezing Shen Jiu and causing his heart to skip several beats as he listened to Yuan-Er’s voice coming from his husband’s private office; Yuan-Er’s voice who was calling his Lord Husband with such a familiar and close nickname that not even Shen Jiu was allowed to call his husband with.
“Ah, Xiao Yuan is so cute when he laughs.” Came the voice of his husband, holding such a gentle and kind undertone that Shen Jiu was never on the receiving end, after their marriage. “He will look even more cuter in red wedding robes.” More flirtatious and kind words were spoken by his husband, followed by happy squeals and giggles which turned into gasps and moans.
Throughout the whole ordeal, Shen Jiu stood rooted in his place, horrorstricken as he gazed at the wooden door like it was a living nightmare that came to terrorize him; tears were streaming down his face as his shaky hands went to muffle the sobs that wanted to leave his throat when he heard declarations of loves and fidelity and promises that Shen Jiu wished all his life… what the fuck? What the fuck?! …Was what repeated inside his head over and over, as the feeling of pain and betrayal took hold of him, choking him and almost making him keel. His beloved husband, his little brother… his precious people... betraying him like this?!
“But Qi-Ge! Jiu-Ge would never allow something like that to happen!” The whiny tone of his cousin made Shen Jiu grit his teeth, anger and pain mounted inside his chest until it burned him from the inside out. “What if he hurt me? You know how Jiu-Ge is!” Shen Yuan said, his words breaking what was left of Shen Jiu’s heart; the feeling of betrayal intensified, and Shen Jiu could only stand numbly as he heard his beloved cousin who always protected him from the skimming and false rumors everyone spews, repeat those same words to his husband as if it was nothing.
“Don’t worry about Shen Jiu, Xiao Yuan.” Shen Jiu heard his husband say those words to his cousin, a fire igniting inside of him as he heard the way his beloved husband spat his name. “He was poisoned with Without A Cure, everyone knows he is destined to die in six months or less; so just wait, ok, we will get married soon.” Yue Qingyuan said, his words made Shen Jiu grip his heart as a sharp pain pierced his chest, before it was eclipsed by anger and fury as a snarl left his lips and he kicked the door open.
“Says who?!” Shen Jiu shrieked as he entered the room, feeling wilder and more furious as his eyes fell on his naked husband and cousin on top of each other. “Says who?! You bastards! You think I am going to let you get away with this?!” Shen Jiu shrieked, his hysterical voice no doubt resonating around the estate and summoning everyone to see the spectacle that was his cheating husband and his cousin who brought shame and dishonor to both of their families.
“Jiu-Ge!” Shen Yuan squeaked as he and his cheating husband cursed and separated, running to retrieve their robes and dressed in haste. “Jiu-Ge, this… Jiu-Ge this is not what looks like! I…” Shen Yuan tried to stutter, only to squeak and dodge a vase that Shen Jiu threw at him.
“Not what it looks like, my ass!” Shen Jiu yelled, gripping whatever heavy object his hand fell on and throwing it at Shen Yuan once more. “Who do you think you are you dishonorable whore! Sleeping with my husband like it was nothing! I will tell your families! I will tell everyone I see, about how much of a harlot you are to sleep with someone else’s husband, and how much Lord Yue was nothing but a cheater who slept around! Do you think I will let something like this slide? I will destroy you so that you will never show your face in public again!” Shen Jiu shouted, tears streaming down his face and wetting his veil, his chest hitching with suppressed sobs as he gazed at the boy, he considered his brother with pain and anger coursing through his body; how could Yuan-Er do this to him?!
The horror on Shen Yuan’s face was enough to bring an inkling of pleasure to Shen Jiu whose whole world was crushed by his precious people who betrayed him in the worst way possible. “Jiu-Ge… Jiu-Ge… please don’t do that; please! I beg you don’t tell anyone; I beg you… we are family I…!” Shen Yuan stuttered as he tried to abase Shen Jiu, his words gritting on Shen Jiu’s nerves and causing his anger to course through him once more.
“Family? Family?! What kind of family sleeps with my husband behind my back? What kind of family talks about my death so casually and talks about marrying my husband before I die? You do all of that and then you beg me not to tell anyone? are you for real?!” Shen Jiu took a threatening step toward his cousin, Shen Yuan to flinch back.
“I have my whole life ahead of me!” Shen Yuan suddenly shouted, tears streaming down his face as he clutched his robes shut, looking at Shen Jiu with pleading eyes as sobs left his chest. “…And you are going to die soon, anyway!” Shen Yuan cried, his words breaking something inside Shen Jiu who could only gaze at his friend in shock before letting out a raging scream.
“I will kill you, you whore!” Shen Jiu shrieked, pouncing on Shen Yuan and pulling him from his hair, causing his cousin to cry in pain and try to throw Shen Jiu away from him; Shen Jiu, even when his body was weak from poison and his health deteriorating minute by the minute, wouldn’t budge from his place as he tugged Shen Yuan’s hair, ripping few strands and slapped him, his rage giving him the power needed to give this traitor the punishment he needed.
“Shen Yuan!” Shen Jiu heard his Lord Husband's alarmed cry before he was suddenly pulled away from the traitorous snake who deserved a thousand deaths; Shen Jiu, before he managed to spit and scream and threaten his cheating husband, was punched in the nose, a sickening crunch was heard as his back was slammed into the cabinet behind.
Shocked, Shen Jiu could only raise his shaky hand to touch his nose, gasping in pain as tears slid down his face with vigor when he saw his fingers appearing from under his veil coated with blood… his husband, his beloved, his childhood friend had... hit him… His Qi-Ge had hit him! …raising his head Shen Jiu could only gaze at the man he loved and adored so much that he wasted decades protecting and elevating him to the highest position in the Empire; the man he sacrificed all of his life for. “You… hit me… why?” Shen Jiu’s voice cracked, gazing at the man who raised his hand and hit Shen Jiu, drawing blood from him, just because of that… that whore?!
“You just tried to hurt Xiao Yuan, and you have it in you to ask why?” Yue Qingyuan asked in an incredulous voice, looking at Shen Jiu like he had lost his mind, and maybe he did, maybe part of him had lost his mind when he was facing this stranger who was wearing his husband’s face and looking at him with such contempt and hate. “Everyone was right… you are crazy…” Yue Qingyuan said, standing in front of Shen Yuan protectively trying to shield him from Shen Jiu; Shen Jiu could only gaze at his Lord Husband who was glaring at him with his hand on his sword, and his traitorous cousin who was sobbing and looking at Shen Jiu in fear. “You are already dying, so I will give you the courtesy of not divorcing you and throwing you into the streets for what you have done today, but be assured you are to be punished accordingly for what you have done.” His Lord Husband said, every word leaving his mouth did nothing but grind whatever was left of Shen Jiu’s broken heart into dust, making him shake in anger and hate as he glared at the man, he called a husband and beloved.
“And whose fault is it that I am dying?!” Shen Jiu snarled, taking a shaky step toward the couple standing in front of him. “It’s all your fault! Your fault that I am on my deathbed! I would have lived if I hadn’t protected your pathetic self from those assassins… if I am dying, then I will take you all down with me; you, your pathetic parents, and your precious Xiao Yuan! I refuse to go quietly!” Shen Jiu screamed as he ran toward the couple, planning on hurting at least one of them before he was thrown to the street and left to die.
Shen Jiu doesn’t know what happened next… or he did know but he didn’t know how, or why… he just knew that it ended with him lying on his back, with Yue Qingyuan’s Xuan Su through his chest, causing blood to pool in his mouth as he choked and shivered as he felt the life bleeding out of him. Screams were heard all around him followed by footsteps and slammed doors, panicked shouts, and shrieks filled the room.
Ah… I am dying… was the only thought that resonated in Shen Jiu’s mind, his eyes blurring with tears as he choked on his blood; he didn’t know what hurt more, the pain from his lungs and the stab wound or the pain of the realization that his husband hated him so much that he didn’t hesitate to kill him after 15 years of marriage… Not fair… Shen Jiu’s soul cried as his consciousness flickered… Not fair… screams; shouts, someone holding him and refusing to let go… This is not fair… Shen Jiu felt so cold; so cold, that his body stopped shivering as the warmth leeched out of him… I just wanted to live my life with my beloved; just wanted someone who would love and accept me, I just wanted… Shen Jiu knew he was dying, he knew it with every slowed breath, that was produced, with every gurgle that left him, with every beat that his heart skipped… This is so not fair… Shen Jiu closed his eyes welcoming death, accepting his demise at the hands of the one he loved and dedicated his life for…
Someone who would love him… that’s all he ever wanted…
He was running… deeper and deeper through the darkness that engulfed him, feeling so much fear and helplessness as he ran aimlessly. Tears of frustration and fear ran down his face, and whimpers left his lips as his terrifying journey brought only pain and exhaustion.
Not fair… it was not fair that even in the afterlife he was tormented like this; to run aimlessly in the darkness with no way to know the directions, only total darkness to keep him company. It’s not fair… what did he ever do to deserve such a miserable life? What God did he anger that the afterlife he suffered was as equally miserable as his time in the human realm?
Ah… he was so, so tired… so tired… to spend all of his life unwanted after his parent’s death, his parents who were scholars and never involved themselves in the affairs of anyone but still ended up dead; unwanted by his extended family who thought of him just an extra mouth to feed and a disfigured brat that leeched on their generosity and money, even when Shen Jiu worked tirelessly day and night to earn his keep in his uncle’s house. Unwanted by his peers who looked at him and shuffled away, not wanting to be standing beside someone with a sharp mouth and always wore a veil to hide his hideous look; unwanted by his social circle who spread gossip and baseless rumors about him until his image warped and warped and instead of the real him being known, a spoilt snake with a sharp attitude who torture the servant and visit brothels nightly was known, ruining his reputation and making people question his family’s honor whenever they saw him
Unwanted by his Martial Family, who believed in those rumors and treated him coldly; a Martial Family he was part of after he joined the army and was chosen the Qing Jing Lord, the General who saw his smarts and potential to be great, someone worthy of being something other than the pariah everyone hated for no reason. And now it turned out that he was also unwanted by his husband and cousin, the two people he held close to his heart; loving them and protecting them from those who wished them harm and wanted their death.
Things didn’t use to be like this… things were different back then… back when he met Yue Qingyuan for the first time after years of separation, the two of them were happy together; they were friends, best friends, Martial Brothers, and later lovers. Yue Qingyuan was the one who confessed to him first, he was the one who started courting him when everyone told him to stay away; Yue Qingyuan was the one who married him even against his parents’ wishes for him to find a husband more suitable than someone like Shen Jiu who didn’t have the best reputation back them. Things didn’t use to be like this back then… back when he had Yuan-Er who always had his back and protected him from people who always hurt him; Yuan-Er who gave him a veil to stop people from bullying him for his ugly face (A face that no one saw after his parent’s death; a face that used to make people look at Shen Jiu with strange looks that always made him scared because he knew they wanted to do something to him) Yuan-Er who protected him from gossiping people and always included him in his outing, even when everyone else refused his presence.
Things were different back then… back when Qing Jing Lord was alive, and wasn’t killed by a trap set by demons when they attacked their camp; the General who took one look at Shen Jiu and thought him worthy, the one who treated him like a parent (Just like his A-Die used to) and was kind to him and never made fun of him for his mistakes, his face or body, even when many had scuffed and scrunched their noses in disgust when they saw him; General Shen Anwei… Lord Shen Anwei… the only one… the only one…
Who warned him about Shen Yuan…
Suddenly, Shen Jiu stopped running, and realization finally dawned on him, making his tears fall once again with vigor as the metaphorical veil was pulled off and the truth was thrust in his face. Oh, how blind he was… how stupid he was… to accept living in ignorance because it meant that he would be with his family… how idiot he was to refuse to connect the dots even when they were already connected; ignoring the flags that were waving before him because he thought Yuan-Er was his family, and that family always had each other even when they were at odds.
Yuan-Er, his beloved cousin who used to follow him around; Yuan-Er whose circle of friends consisted of people that were once upon a time Shen Jiu’s friends from school before they stopped hanging out with him, for one reason or another. Yuan-Er who always took and took and manipulated Shen Jiu into giving because they were a family and a family always helped one another and shared with one another everything, even secrets. Yuan-Er whose health was said to be so fragile that he used to get sick always, but when Shen Jiu joined the army, and later was chosen by Qing Jing Lord; Yuan-Er followed him into the army and later begged him daily, to make General Shen take him as a disciple like he did Shen Jiu (Something that Lord Shen refused vehemently, after that, Lord Shen always made sure to separate Shen Yuan and make him stay as far away from Shen Jiu… only to die later and the cycle of manipulation and abuse continued).
Yuan-Er whose relationship with Shen Jiu’s Martial Siblings was so amazing that everyone, even some of the Pillars considered him Lord Shen’s disciple, even when General Shen made it known that Shen Jiu was his successor; a relationship that no matter how much Shen Jiu tried, he couldn’t recreate as all of his Martial Siblings either hate him or ignored his existence for one thing or another, not that it mattered in the end because, after Lord Shen’s death, Shen Yuan was appointed as Qing Jing Lord when the previous Pillars stepped down. Yuan-Er who ended up stealing his husband’s love and later sleeping with Yue Qingyuan for God knows how long and was even going to marry him in the future…
Yuan-Er who had stolen Shen Jiu’s life from him…
“Ah… how infuriating…” Shen Jiu let out a pained laugh that was similar to a sob as he laid down on the ground in a fetal position, hugging himself tightly hoping for a comfort that would never come. The realization of him being the fool all along was a hard pill to swallow; how stupid he was to that he had not seen his future and life being taken away from him? Maybe he deserved death for being so stupid and letting this farce go for as long as he had. “Truly infuriating…” Shen Jiu sniffled as he lay on his back and gazed at the darkness that descended on Shen Jiu’s whole being. “If only… ah… I don’t want to die like this… it’s so unfair… so unfair… it’s not fair… please… please… once more… just one more time… please… if I could… please… it’s so unfair…” Shen Jiu wept, his voice and pleas echoing in the emptiness that was his afterlife, sinking Shen Jiu into an ocean of despair with no way out; Shen Jiu didn’t know how long he wept, he only knew that by the end his body and mind felt exhausted and he felt like centuries had passed.
“I am so sorry, my little jade…” A whisper was heard, a whisper that didn’t register until Shen Jiu exhausted himself weeping and was about to lose consciousness; a whisper that repeated once more, making Shen Jiu blink at the voice that sounded like a warm embrace. A voice that made Shen Jiu’s wired body relax as he leaned on what he thought was the ground and gazed at the darkness with dazed eyes. “Everything is going to be fine, Baobei, just close your eyes and go to sleep; I promise you A-Niang will make everything right again…” The voice cooed, causing Shen Jiu to unconsciously nod and close his tired eyes as exhaustion finally took over him. “This time… this time… I promise you will be happy, my jade…” Sleep finally took over him as darkness engulfed him and refused to let him go, but this time… this time…
…Shen Jiu welcomed the darkness…
“Please…” A whimper was heard as the figure shivered; tears of pain and helplessness leaving his closed eyes. “Please…” A nightmare trapping him in its grip, refusing to let him go even when he tried desperately to wake up but failed in doing so. “P-please…” Soft sobs and tears filled the room, as the figure leaning on the disk shivered, trapped in a never-ending darkness that choked him until he was left helpless.
“A-Jiu…” A gentle voice and an even gentler hand came to rest on his shoulder, causing the body to let out a pained sob as he was shaken awake. “A-Jiu, wake up…” The voice persisted, same with the hand that started petting his hair, making him sniffle at the gentleness he was subjected to; a gentle touch that he never felt for years. “A-Jiu, come on, it is just a nightmare.” A familiar voice said, causing Shen Jiu to try and blink his eyes open as he wondered when was the last time, he heard that voice.
“Shizun…” Shen Jiu’s voice cracked as he whispered that title, that title he had never spoken in over sixteen years; opening his eyes, Shen Jiu was greeted by the sight of his Shizun who was standing over Shen Jiu with a concerned face and worried eyes.
“A-Jiu, it’s ok, it was just a nightmare.” The Qing Jing Lord said, petting Shen Jiu gently on the head, his action summoning tears that Shen Jiu thought had dried up after the betrayal he went through. “It’s just a nightmare, everything is fine.” That made the sob Shen Jiu tried to suppress escape his chest, as he all but threw himself at his Shizun, holding the man tightly and refusing to let go, even when the man tensed in his arms.
If it had been years ago and his Shizun was alive, Shen Jiu wouldn’t have dared to do something as shameless as this, holding his Shizun tightly and taking comfort from the man like he was his father; if it were years ago, Shen Jiu would have tried with all his might to not dirty his Shizun by touching him like this and ruin his image by being seen in such compromised position… but that was years ago, and this was now; his Shizun had been dead for years and years, and with his death the last person who ever showed kindness and protected Shen Jiu was gone… Gods, how much he missed his Shizun, and how grateful, he was to the fates that they allowed him to see the man before he was made to drink Meng Po’s soup and cross the Naihe Bridge. “Shizun I… Shizun…” Shen Jiu choked, his words summoning a hum as his Shizun returned his hug, and held him tightly.
“It’s ok, A-Jiu, I am here, I am here; everything is going to be alright, don’t cry.” His Shizun reassured in a soft voice, his words summoning a pained whimper from Shen Jiu who hid his face in his Shizun’s chest. So, Shen Jiu cried, not knowing how long he sobbed, and held into his Shizun, taking the comfort that was offered to him freely without an ulterior motive behind it.
He didn’t know how long he had cried, only that after the whole ordeal he was so tired and his veil was drenched in both snot and tears, causing Shen Jiu to grimace at the disgusting feeling before feeling shame consuming him when he noticed the wet spots on his Shizun's robes. Letting go of his Shizun, Shen Jiu wiped his face and tried to control his breathing, running to his desk before pulling another veil. Shen Jiu wanted to talk with his Shizun, maybe thank him for his protection; maybe tell him about how much of hell his life was after General Shen died, how everything he had ever worked for and tried to protect was taken from him because of his cousin that everyone loved and adored. “You were right, Shizun…” Shen Jiu started after he managed to get himself under control, sniffling now and then as he tried to stop himself from breaking down once more.
Lord Shen let out a hum as he tilted his head, giving Shen Jiu an encouraging smile, urging him to talk, an act that made Shen Jiu so sad, but so warm and happy at the same time… ah… when was the last time Shen Jiu felt like this? Safe and protected... no one... the answer was no one other than his Shizun who always looked after him even when Shen Jiu no doubt stained his reputation with every interaction.
“Xiao Jiu? Are you here?!” Suddenly Shen Jiu’s body locked, and terror froze him in his damned place; his Qi spiked as shivers started wrecking his body when his eyes fell on Yue Qingyuan entering his room… Yue Qingyuan… the man who came inside his room, looking so happy when his eyes fell on Shen Jiu. “Where have you been, Xiao Jiu? Shen Yuan and I have been looking for you since morning.” Yue Qingyuan asked him after he greeted General Shen; the man’s words got in one ear and then out of the other as Shen Jiu’s panic started to mount with every second, he was in his killer’s presence…. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?! …Why the fuck was Yue Qingyuan here?! What the fuck was the man doing in the afterlife? Why was he looking at him like this? Looking so… so… “Xiao Jiu? Are you alright?” Words that didn’t even make sense to him as his Qi spiked once more in dread and terror when he saw Yue Qingyuan take a step toward him.
“Yue-Shizhi, step out of the room, right now!” His Shizun’s sharp voice made Shen Jiu blink furiously, his mind whirling around like crazy as his sight fleeted between his Shizun who was standing in front of him protectively, and Yue Qingyuan who had a confused look on his face as he ignored Lord Shen’s order and advanced on Shen Jiu.
Oh, Gods… he is going to kill me! …Was what shrieked inside Shen Jiu’s mind as his sight refused to leave Yue Qingyuan who ran toward him and ignored General Shen’s orders and harsh hands that tried to pull him away from Shen Jiu; Shen Jiu who was shivering in terror with every cun of space that was swallowed by Yue Qingyuan’s frame… He is going to kill me, he is going to kill me, he is going to kill me, again! …No part of Shen Jiu could think rationally as his whole being, his broken soul, remembered the feeling of Xuan Su, stabbing him in the chest, splitting him open, and burning him in the worst way possible. Shen Jiu’s body still remembered what it was like to choke on his blood and die, his heart slowing down with every beat until it stopped; Shen Jiu’s soul remembered the crushing agony of betrayal and broken love, as he lay there on the ground, no one coming to help him or do something until all the life bled out of him and what’s left was an empty husk. Shen Jiu’s heart still remembered the rage on Yue Qingyuan’s face as he hit him to protect his precious ‘Xiao Yuan’, his ears still remembered the harsh words spat at him, and his eyes remembered the hate that painted his husband's face as he pulled Xuan Su and stabbed him through the chest to protect the one, he cheated with; his beloved husband who stood still and did nothing to help Shen Jiu, even in his last moments of life.
“Don’t touch me!” Shen Jiu shrieked hysterically, scrambling away to put as much distance between him and the one Shen Jiu sacrificed everything for. The shocked and confused look on Yue Qingyuan’s face didn’t register to Shen Jiu who was heading above terror and panic and right into the territory of Qi Deviation.
He needed to get out of here; he needed to escape from this place before he suffered once again by having Xuan Su skewing him in the chest and leaving him for dead... Escape… that was all his panicked mind could think of as he ran away, ignoring his Shizun’s shouts for him to stop and Yue Qingyuan's confused questions. “Jiu-Ge? You are here!” Another familiar voice shouted, causing Shen Jiu’s heart to drop as he skidded to a stop and saw the face of Shen Yuan running to him with a happy smile on his face; causing bile to rise in Shen Jiu’s throat as the longer he heard Shen Yuan’s call of ‘Jiu-Ge’ making Shen Jiu push him and run away, terror and confusion taking over him at the strange but familiar surroundings.
Where the hell was, he?! Looking around, Shen Jiu found he knew the place… he remembered this place… this place that he trained in once upon a time after being chosen by General Shen Anwei; this place that once promised him acceptance and family but was denied when his Shizun died, and Shen Yuan was appointed as the Qing Jing Lord. Shen Jiu swallowed as he felt pain piercing his heart, followed by a spike of Qi that informed him of the unavoidable Qi Deviation that would end up consuming him if he didn't act quickly. But Shen Jiu couldn’t stop running, he couldn’t stop the terror as his whole being shrieked at him to find a safe place and hide in it; his heart almost exploded as he heard footsteps behind him followed by the calls of ‘Jiu-Ge’ and ‘Xiao Jiu’.
Not again… tears clouded Shen Jiu’s eyes as he ran away from those voices, the fear of those two not letting him escape this pain even in the afterlife was what kept his legs moving, even when he pushed people away and was shouted and cursed at in his desperation to escape this place… Please, not again… I don’t want to die again! Haven’t I suffered enough?! …Shen Jiu whimpered as he almost tripped before getting his balance back, fear and agony was what kept him moving even when many tried to make him stop.
“Watch out!” Someone screamed, and for a split-second, Shen Jiu wondered who they were calling until he froze in his place when he saw a sword glare heading his way. Suddenly, Shen Jiu could only freeze helplessly in his place, like a rabbit that was caught in a wolf’s trap; suddenly, all Shen Jiu could see was the sight of Xuan Su’s brilliant glare as he was stabbed in the chest. Suddenly, Shen Jiu could see the faces of his husband and cousin looking at him from the other end of the sword, eyes unreadable as Shen Jiu fell to his death; suddenly, the only words that could repeat in his mind were ‘Not fair!’ and ‘I am going to die again!’ over and over until his Qi spiked to a dangerous level… suddenly…
Suddenly… someone took hold of his waist and pulled him back, making him gasp in shock when he slammed into something hard (Someone’s chest, he later found on when he pulled himself away), but far away from the danger of the sword that pierced the wooden wall not a few feet away from him. Shivering from terror, Shen Jiu raised his head to gaze at his savior, only to let out a confused noise when he saw the one who saved him was no other than Liu Qingge (His once-upon-a-time rival and Shidi who always annoyed and challenged Shen Jiu every time they saw each other, until everything stopped after he married and the man went to the frontlines; but what was he doing here? Liu Qingge was too strong to die at the hands of demons; a War God unmatched and indestructible by mortal and immortal means… the last thing he heard the man was back in the capital and was in good health, so what was he doing here in the afterlife?!) who was glaring at the owner of the sword that was apologizing and stammering as Liu Qingge made a good job of killing him with his eyes.
“Are you ok?” Liu Qingge suddenly asked, his words causing Shen Jiu to open his mouth and close it several times, wondering if he was losing his mind because his rival was asking him if he was ok, something that Liu Qingge had never done before… right? Before Shen Jiu even managed to reply, the shouts of ‘Jiu-Ge’ and ‘Xiao Jiu’, the familiar sight of Shen Yuan and Yue Qingyuan, made his stress level boom… that was all his Qi needed to explode and burn his Meridians, signaling the start of a violent Qi Deviation…
A Qi Deviation, Shen Jiu shouldn’t be having considering that he was dead…
Ah… Shen Jiu would weep that night as realization struck and everything started making sense; he would sob and muffle his cries as he remembered being carried to Qian Cao Lord in his Shizun’s arms, who was snapping orders left and right. His Shizun was alive, protecting him, and carrying him in his arms; they were in the headquarters, which Shen Jiu hadn’t stepped a foot in since his marriage and Shen Yuan became the Qing Jing Lord. Liu Qingge was back from the frontlines, looking younger since the last time Shen Jiu saw the Bai Zhan Lord, and everyone around him looked so young; so young… and Shen Jiu… Shen Jiu was alive…
Shen Jiu would weep that night as he thanked every God out there for the second chance and mercy he was granted from above; gratitude, hope, hate, and agony mixed together until everything was a jumbled mess in his mind. Shen Jiu would weep that night, until anger and hate won over him, and fury burned his body from the inside out; his thirst for revenge against those who wronged him almost made him pick his sword (Another thing to weep about for; his Xiu Ya that had shattered a long time ago and the Yue family refused to let him repair it) to kill Shen Yuan and Yue Qingyuan and get his rightful revenge; everyone thought him to be mad and deranged, why not prove them right and be done with it?
Shen Jiu sniffled as he hid under the cover, feeling angry, spiteful, and so, so tired. So tired of being the unwanted child and hated pariah and villain in everyone’s perfect story; so angry at the thought of the cousin he tried to give everything and protect from the world betraying him and stabbing him in the back. Shen Jiu had thought that his cousin understood, he thought his cousin would go to the same length, Shen Jiu would go for him because he was the one who knew how miserable Shen Jiu’s life was ever since his parents died… suddenly, Shen Jiu bolted, his eyes widening and a grin took over his face as the thought of the perfect revenge made itself known…
If Shen Yuan desperately wants to steal his life…
…Shen Jiu would gladly give it to him…