Chapter Text
He's throwing her body on the deck of the pirate boat. He's soaked, from head to toe. As well as Shin-Ha. Lone is laying on the ground, water dripping from her hair on the wood, darkening its pale brown to a more darker color. Blood is staining her kimono. She has lost a lot of blood, it is undeniable. The lower part of her clothes had been ripped, that the others could tell. Yona was sobbing ; Hak had an arm over her shoulders, trying to calm her grief as much as his. But Jae-Ha put his two hands above her chest and started pushing against it with a steady rhythm. Then, after a few, he put his mouth against hers and forced oxygen to go down to her lungs. He kept at it for an unbearable and unbeleivable amount of time. But no one dared to stop him.
"Maybe we can try to give her some senjusou", Yoon said, pain slowly starting to show on his face.
"No, it won't work", the captain said, pip between her fingers. "If we want to heal that wound, we need her alive"
"Then, what do we do?", Yona asked, panic rising in her voice.
"We keep trying", Jae-Ha said between gritted teeth. "I am not letting her go, Yona"
"Then... if she comes back-!", she said, hope shining in her eyes.
"Prepare the medical tools to keep her here", Gi-Gan added.
"I'm on it!", Yoon screamed, running toward where he kept his things.
Jae-Ha kept pushing against her chest ; he would not give up. Even if it was too late, he would continue until he was too exhausted to stand ; he would continue until he would fall unconscious, he would continue until he died as well. He needed her to come back, for his sake, but also for the people who still cared for her. She needed to come back.
Lone's POV
I had fallen to my knees, hands raised to my face, hiding the shame distorting my traits. I was scared, I was pained. I was my own monster.
"How did I get so lost in reality to forget I was in it?", I let out through an unsteady breath. My mother was still here. But I couldn't dare look up at her eyes and witness the hatred and the pain she was feeling toward me.
"Because you believed you were dreaming. Their presence was overwhelming you, it blurred your vision", she said in her usually sweet and gentle voice.
"Why? Why do you not resent me all? For what I have done to our family, to our lives? Why do you not blame me?", I asked.
"Because, my sweet child, it is not your fault. Even if you are crazy, what you have done is not your fault. You were born able to see the dead and they know it. You have always had a brave and kind heart, Lone. Don't believe anything anyone tells you. You were not in control that night. You were scared. You thought you were defending yourself against these demons"
"But I killed you. I killed my family, and truly believed I was innocent...", the tears were cold and wet against my cheeks, as realization kept hitting me over and over again. "I should have died... I should have died"
"Don't say that. You were given another chance at life for a reason"
"What good can I do to this world? I am a monster, I played the fool. Why am I still breathing?"
I lifted my head at last and she was before me, kneeling on the ground, hands on her thighs. She had no hatred glimming in her eyes, nothing blinded her vision, not rage or fear. She was calm, serious. I freezed at the image offering itself to me. I freezed at the reflection I saw in her eyes. I freezed at the way she looked at me, as she has always done.
"Lone, I have always loved you. You were always my most sensitive child, and yet, the strongest. You are still in this world because you deserve your place in it. There is something you must achieve before you join us. And neither of us will blame you ; we will embrace your presence, we will remind you that we never stopped loving you. You deserve more. You deserve better"
"I only deserve hatred and death"
"Why do you think so?", she asked, sadness grazing her skin, her traits.
"Because... because I killed you all... And I hid away the memories, to make me think that I didn't. I am a monster"
"No, you are not"
"Why do you think so?", I asked, repeating the words she had sent my way a few seconds ago.
"Because you are gentle, you are kind. Even with a sword between your hands, even with that fierce look in your eyes, you are an angel. Those demons, your demons have been darkening your soul, but it doesn't make it evil"
"I am not a monster?", I asked, as if I needed confirmation again.
"No. You are not a monster", she said, even more gently now.
"I am not a monster", I said, still numb. I refused to believe them, but I let the words sink in, I let their meaning penetrate my skin. I am not a monster to them. I am not a monster.
She smiled, happy to hear me say the words. But then, worry started to etch itself on her face.
"You should go back. They're waiting for you", she said.
"What if I don't wanna go back?"
"You do. Your soul does. Because it wouldn't have stayed even after I kept begging it to stay. A small part of you wants to live, Lone. Honor it. But I feel the bigger part of it overtaking you. It's trying to go, it's trying to reach its hand toward Death. Lone, be true to yourself ; do you want to leave them?"
"No... I don't want to", I said without hesitation.
"Do you want to throw away everything you have built?"
"No"
"Do you want to live?"
I looked down at my hands and remembered the blood splattered on them, the knife laying on the grass. I remembered the tears as they fell uncontrolably as I kneeled before my home, at what I had done. I stayed there until dawn broke, and the house was nothing but rubbles and ash. Until the Castle guards came to fetch me away from the site, from this murder scene. And I thought of everything that happened afterward, of all the pain and grief and joy I went through. I remembered Jae-Ha's words through all of this, remembered the promise he made. I regretted thinking of that, regretted thinking of him. But I looked up at my mother once again.
"Yes... Yes, I want to live"
"Lone", Yona cried. "Please, come back... come back to us"
"You're supposed to beat me before you can go, Lone", Hak said, restraining the tears. "Come on, come back"
"Come back to me, Lone", Jae-Ha said. "Come back to us, I beg of you"
He kept pushing. He kept blowing air into her mouth. He kept trying to bring her back. Some had already given up on her, but Jae-Ha wouldn't, nor would Yona and Hak. Yoon was kneeling on her other side, ready if ever she came back, ready to tend to her wound, ready to keep her alive, but he did not believe her breaths would come back. He did not believe the blood in her veins would start flowing again. And when, finally, Jae-Ha's arms gave up, exhausted, he rested his head on her stomach, the only sound they could hear being his sobs. Yona silently hid her face in Hak's chest, searching comfort despite both their grief. He wrapped his arms around her shaking body, his eyes silently pleading Lone's body to come back to life. And right before she shot right up in a sitting position, Jae-Ha felt her chest lift up and down for a brief second, making him straighten his back. Then, she was throwing up the water that had killed her as she welcomed air back into her lungs. But shock overtook her, she felt naked, barren. She turned her head from left to right in a frenzy. Her breaths were uneven, uncontrollable. And when she saw Yoon's hands trying to reach for her, trying to calm her down, she pushed her hands and feet into the wood of the deck, backing up, desperately trying to search for safety. Her back hit against something. No, not something.
Someone.
Arms wrapped around her, trying their best to comfort her. "Lone, it's me. It's me. It's all of us. You're okay", Jae-Ha's voice said in her ear. Her back was leaning against his chest, her arms had been shackled by his, unmoving, except for her forearms, which she brought her hands to meet his own arms. "Breathe in... Breathe out", he said, slowly, bringing her back to reality. Calming her down as he did so. When her breathing had steadied, she seemed to recall the wound at her stomach, because she winced. She fought her way out of Jae-Ha's embrace.
"I'm fine", she said sharply.
"No, you're not", Yoon said. "I need to stitch up your wound and then give you some Senjusou so you heal faster"
She nodded, accepting silently. She layed down on the deck again, not without gritting her teeth against the pain. She ignored Jae-Ha's gaze as she welcomed Yona and Hak to her side. She wiped away the tears sliding down the cheeks of her friend. Yona was relieved, happy, which made Lone happy. "I will go fetch you your clothes", Yona said, standing up to walk toward their room. Hak was sitting near Lone, looking at her with sadness in his stare, flecks of joy piercing holes in it.
"I really thought you were dead", he said.
"I did, too", she answered, honest, a sad smile appearing on her face.
"Here you go, Lone", Yoon said. "All stitched up. Just wait here, I'm gonna give you some senjusou"
She looked at him and smiled. "Thank you", she whispered.
When Yona came back, Lone was standing. Yona pushed her clothes into her hands, hurrying her to change, but Lone only laughed lightly. "I'm not going to change in front of them all", she said, turning away, her face turning grim.
"I would love to see that", Jae-Ha teased, head leaning against his fist, his elbow resting on the ramp of the boat, watching Lone as she walked away.
"Already back to your normal self as if nothing had happened, huh?", Lone commented, still walking toward the room she was sharing with Yona.
"I don't know what you're talking about", she rolled her eyes, but did not turn.
No one joined her in the room. No one saw her change. And no one saw her break down in tears as she sobbed violently. No one saw her...