Chapter Text
Shauna should be doing her trig homework right now.
She should be sprawled out on the floor of her bedroom, textbook open to tomorrow’s math problems since they’ll be leaving school early for their away game against Copper Cove, with Radiohead playing in the background and Jackie sulking about the music beside her as she does her homework too.
Instead, she’s listening to Jackie run through all possible scenarios for tomorrow’s game, going on about everything she’s studied about the other team (“Defense doesn’t wake up ‘til the second half but their goalie’s Van in a wig.”) as they move the ball between them, their passes always finding each other regardless of distance.
They’re in a park that’s near both their houses, a place the two of them used to bike to all the time as kids to play or pass the ball around before they joined the team freshman year and had access to a real soccer field. A park they still come to sometimes when Jackie wants to get just a little more practice in with Shauna. She always thought calling it a park was too generous. It’s really just a large patch of grass with a few trees and a creaky roundabout that would be more at home in a horror movie. Fuck’s sakes, there’s not even a bench.
She doesn’t know why Jackie proclaims it her favorite place in the world.
Jackie juggles the ball a few times then heads it toward her. Shauna heads it right back and she smiles wide. “Atta girl!”
“You’re not the only showoff.”
“It’s not showing off when you’re just that good.” She kicks the ball back to Shauna and uses the short reprieve to wipe the sweat off her face with the bottom of her sweater, the shirt beneath riding up and exposing her toned stomach.
Shauna almost fumbles the pass. Almost.
And then she slips on a small patch of snow too stubborn to melt even though it’s early March.
She falls back, catches herself on her elbows and her ankle smarts for a second. “Shit!”
“Fuck!” Jackie’s next to her in a flash, hand on her knee and pretty hazel eyes all wide in concern. “Are you okay?”
Shauna rolls her foot in a slow circle and sighs in relief. “Yeah, fine. I’m good.” Jackie doesn’t seem to believe her, eyeing her with a furrowed brow. Shauna covers her flush with a laugh and wiggles her foot. “See?” Moves it closer to the other girl. “See?”
Jackie’s all teeth as she laughs and lightly bats it away from her face. “Okay, okay!” Sitting down, she brings Shauna’s foot into her lap and gently rubs the faux injury, fingers tickling on her bare skin.
Shauna likes the attention more than she should. Always basks in and suffocates under and covets the radiant presence of the other girl. It’s her most unfortunate defining trait.
Still, to ease the remaining tension in Jackie’s brow, she says “It’s good, promise.” Doesn’t remove her leg though.
Jackie doesn’t stop either, just shrugs. “Season just started, Shipman. Not taking any chances.”
Shauna snorts. “My hero.” She coos.
Jackie smiles, glances up.
She’s giving Shauna that look again. The one that makes her thoughts stutter and heart ache with a dangerous need. The one that can, sometimes, make Shauna wonder if Jackie might…
And then Jackie looks away and Shauna accepts again that she’s alone in this.
They watch the end of the sunset together, the various hues of orange and yellow shining over Wiskayok in a way that makes it not seem so bad.
Jackie sighs next to her, fingers playing with the pendant on her neck. “I love this park.”
With the sun now gone and workout behind them, the chill of the air starts to seep through with a bite.
Shauna reclaims her foot and stands up, Jackie looking up in surprise at the sudden absence. She reaches her hand out. “We should head back before it gets colder.”
A beat, then Jackie nods. She tucks the ball under one arm and grabs Shauna’s hand with the other, letting go when she’s up.
“C’mon Shipman, let’s go reunite you with your trig homework.”
“We.” Shauna says, gesturing between them. “We should be reunited.”
Jackie groans and starts walking to the car. “Ugh, fine. But only if you ice that ankle.”
/
They beat Copper Cove 2 to 0 and true to form, Lottie hosts the team’s “slumber after party” in her and Nat’s hotel room.
Jackie was right: the other team’s defense was shit the first half. Tai and Laura Lee were able to score the only goals in the first fifteen minutes.
Shauna was nowhere near the other team’s huddle and could still hear their Coach’s yelling. Like Coach Martinez on one of his bad days.
“Clink clink clink clink!” Van taps a finger against her paper cup, filled with whatever cheap booze Nat was able to score. It’s somehow just as effective to get them all to stop talking. “A quick toast to Tai and Laura Lee for getting us one step closer to Regionals, baby!”
They cheer. One of them a little too loud.
“Shit, softer man!” Nat says. “We don’t want to get busted.”
“Sorry, sorry!” Misty replies.
Misty fucking Quigley.
Misty was here. She was here because on their short walk to the room, Jackie saw Misty just hanging out by the ice machine, no bucket in hand, and immediately invited her to join them.
Jackie, who was now raising her own glass and thanking Van for letting none of those bitches get by her.
“To Van!” Tai says.
“To Van!” They repeat, thankfully all at a normal volume. Misty makes a show of being quiet and looks at Nat for approval.
Then they break off into different groups and it’s like any other party, albeit one where most of them are already dressed for bed. Mari manages to find a music station that isn’t mostly static on the alarm clock, Nat props open the window to light a joint and flips Tai off when she tries to stop her, and Jackie’s arm is tossed over Shauna’s shoulder as she talks to Lottie and Gen about some rumor that the principal is banging a science teacher.
She tries to pay attention, she really does. But with her quickly disappearing beverage, Jackie warm against her and her laugh in Shauna’s ear, Shauna thinks they could be gossiping about her dad and she probably wouldn’t notice.
She is a fucking embarrassment.
She goes to take another sip and realizes it’s empty. Jackie’s hold tightens when she tries to move, turning to her with a pout on her lips. Shauna touches Jackie’s cup with her own. “Refill?” An explanation and a question.
Jackie downs the remainder of her cup and hands it to Shauna with a smile. “You take such good care of me.”
She hopes the three of them think the blush on her face is because she’s a lightweight.
Tai and Van nod to her when she stands next to them at the bar, which is really just the hotel desk with vodka, orange juice and half melted ice. She makes their drinks, adding only a splash of mixer to Jackie’s because of the sugar and cursing Mrs. Taylor as she does so.
Gen’s voice carries from the other side of the room. “You back with Sadecki yet?”
Shauna tenses, taking a large gulp of her drink in hopes of drowning out Jackie’s affirmation. She tops it off with more vodka.
“You alright, Shauna?” She turns her head. Van’s looking at her, eyebrows pinched in concern while Tai just stares at her. Van nods to the bottle in her hand. “Going a little hard there.”
Shauna takes another sip. It’s strong, good. “Just celebrating.”
Van looks like she wants to say something else when Crystal (“The fuck? Shauna, I swear the roster said Kristen!”) suggests playing a game.
“Ooh, a party game! Yes!” Misty exclaims. A few others agree and Shauna finds herself in a misshapen circle, sitting on one of the beds between Jackie and Lottie. She hands Jackie her drink, fingers brushing, as the others bicker about what to play and if anyone has any cards.
“Rachel, truth or dare?” Lottie asks and that’s the end of that.
It’s mostly just an excuse to embarrass each other or try to get someone to finish their drink as penalty for foregoing their turn. They can’t do anything too crazy without a neighbor complaining to the front desk and getting caught.
Nat’s done shrooms before. Laura Lee’s only missed church twice in her life when she was too sick to go and drinks some of her virgin screwdriver as delayed penance. Tai downs her drink when dared to prank call her house. Van makes out with a pillow from Nat’s bed, which Nat tells her she can take with her. Akilah would do unspeakable things to Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Allie and Rachel agree.
It's juvenile but entertaining and Jackie’s shoulder keeps bumping into hers and the vodka is being passed around to keep everyone’s drink fresh.
“Shauna.” Mari says. Shauna looks at her. So does Jackie. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
“Are you a virgin?”
It’s so unoriginal, Shauna rolls her eyes. She is and they all probably know that and she doesn’t need Jackie pushing Randy on her again right now.
She finishes her drink out of spite and can feel Jackie staring at her as some of the others tease and make dumb suggestive noises.
“Laura Lee, truth or dare?” She cuts them off.
Jackie’s eyes are still on her while Laura Lee admits she’s never cursed before and Lottie goes aww.
Shauna feels warm. She glances at her and the other girl looks away so fast she’d almost believe the alcohol was making her paranoid. The game goes on.
Misty smiles as she says she’s keyed someone’s car before. Honestly, no surprise there. Shauna’s still wondering what Jackie’s problem is when Misty says “So. Jackie, truth or dare?”
“Dare.” Jackie says. Which is a real fucking gamble considering who’s asking.
“Hmm.” Misty smiles unnervingly wide while tapping her chin, milking it. “I dare you…oh, this is so hard! I dare you to…kiss someone here!” She giggles, then starts looking around for who it could possibly be.
She expects Jackie to laugh it off. Make some joke that she’s taken or that everyone would get jealous and take the penalty.
So Shauna looks at her, ready to mock.
And then Jackie’s lips are on hers and Shauna’s eyes close and Mari says “what a shock” and one two three it’s over Jackie’s pulling away and clearing her throat and asking Akilah truth or dare and Shauna opens her eyes and Tai cuts Akilah off by saying it’s late and Coach said he might do a room check tonight and all the girls scramble into action at the reminder and Shauna remembers to fucking breathe because it’s a game just a game it’s just a game.
Nat makes sure the hallway is clear and all the girls scatter, speed over stealth to avoid running into Coach. As Jackie fishes out their room key from her jacket, she sees Van run by with a pillow.
Shauna normally gets first dibs on the bathroom since Jackie’s nightly routine is longer than hers and she spends most of the time sitting on the edge of the tub trying to get her heartrate back to normal.
It was a dare, you were right next to her, stop being an idiot Shauna orders her reflection as she brushes her teeth.
She finishes up and walks into the bedroom. Tries to smile at Jackie. Thinks she succeeds when Jackie smiles back as she passes Shauna on her way to the bathroom. Except Shauna knows Jackie’s smiles better than anyone and that one was pasted on and she’s probably wondering why Shauna acted so weird earlier.
She inhales. Fuck.
Shauna lays down on the right side of the bed. Her side. Her side of the bed they’re sharing because they always sleep on one of the beds together during away games and put their bags and dirty gear on the other. She turns the bedside lamp off and curls into herself in the dark. Facing the other bed, she closes her eyes tight in the hope of falling asleep before Jackie gets out of the bathroom.
No such luck. Her thoughts are racing and even though Jackie spends longer than normal getting ready for bed, she’s still wide awake when the bathroom door opens.
Jackie finds her way to the bed in the dark, only stumbling once with a curse. She gets under the covers and somehow, Shauna’s just knows she’s laying on her back with her hands folded together and head turned towards Shauna. Can picture it so clearly after years of sleepovers.
It’s quiet for a moment. Then she hears a deep breath. “Shauna?” Jackie whispers.
She could pretend to be asleep. She could. Jackie wouldn’t wake her up (probably).
“Hm?” Never mind.
“Um, earlier,” Fuck, she should have pretended. “You didn’t…why didn’t you answer the question?”
Huh?
“What?”
Jackie shifts on the bed, voice still soft but closer. “You drank instead.”
Shauna stifles a sigh of relief. She almost forgot about that in light of the other thing.
“Just didn’t want to answer.” Shauna mumbles into the dark.
“But,” Jackie breathes, “you are, aren’t you? Right?”
There’s a whine in her voice that Jackie’s doing a poor job at hiding and drunk irritation blooms in Shauna’s chest. “Yes, Jackie. I am.” She snaps. “God forbid I lose it first. What a fucking tragedy that would be if your loser friend had sex before you did.”
Fuck, Shauna’s annoyed. Here she is, pathetically obsessing over a kiss that Jackie was literally dared to do and all the other girl can think about is how her not as popular, dateless friend might’ve reached that milestone first. A milestone Jackie talks about all the fucking time but doesn’t reach even though it’s right there literally begging her.
“Jesus fucking Christ, wait, no-” a hand touches her shoulder and Shauna shrugs it off. She stammers, “Shauna, please, that’s not what I meant!”
“Just go to sleep, Jackie.” She bites out, voice thick, and tugs the covers close.
“Shauna please, I’m-” Her voice is strained. “I didn’t fucking mean it like that! I didn’t. I just got- I’m sorry. It was stupid, okay?”
Even through her drunken sensitivity, she can tell Jackie’s being sincere. “Okay.” She mumbles. Doesn’t brush her hand off this time.
“We can’t both be the wordsmith.” A weak attempt at a joke.
It works, sort of. Shauna’s lip twitches.
Then a familiar pang of loneliness hits because she always gets a little melancholy after a few.
Shauna sighs. “It’s not like there’s anyone interested, anyway. And dammit, do not mention Ra-.”
“They don’t deserve you.” It’s sharp, cutting through the dark and surprising Shauna. Jackie’s next words are much softer, almost a whisper. “You, you’re Shauna Shipman. You’re special. And your…first time, it should be special too. None of those fucking boys deserve that.” She removes her hand, going quiet.
Shauna swallows hard. The words are placating and kind, they really are. But they only serve to remind Shauna again that while Jackie says none of the boys deserve her, it’s Jackie herself who doesn’t want her. Would be grossed out if she knew that Shauna thought about her, first with guilt but now just a sick acceptance, whenever she had her hand or a pillow working furiously between her legs.
“Besides,” Jackie continues, sprinkling cheer in her voice, “just think of all the hotties at Rutgers who’ll be throwing themselves at you.”
She closes her eyes tight against the picture of an acceptance letter hidden in her bedroom. A painful way out from the iron grip Jackie has on her heart, her life.
They don’t say anything more and soon after, Jackie’s soft snores (which she’ll deny to the end of time) fill the room and the familiarity eventually lulls her to sleep.
She dreams of Jackie’s mouth against hers, of teeth and tongues and spit, and wakes to Jackie’s head on her shoulder and a low ache.
/
It’s a Friday night, there’s a party at Lottie’s house, and Shauna is sitting on the bathroom counter in one of the many obscenely large bathrooms as Jackie is trying to both reapply her lip gloss and sing along to the Mariah Carey song faint through the door.
“…deep in my…dreams…sweet fantasy baby…”
Neither task is going well. Shauna’s giggling so hard that one side of her flannel falls down her shoulder and Jackie’s thousand-watt smile is on full display at the sight.
“You’re wasted, Shipman.”
“Nuh-uh.” Shauna tells her and holds up her beer. “Only had three. You’re just a dork.”
Jackie laughs. “Three’s a lot for you.” It’s true, unfortunately. She’s feeling it. “Stoned, then?” Her nose scrunches as she sniffs. It’s cute. “Wowza, it reeks of weed in here.”
“You talking to me or your reflection? We shared that joint.” Shauna remembers the struggle to keep the match lit, laughter between coughs and a pretty red outline on white paper where Jackie’s mouth had been; the ever lingering shame in her gut flaring each time Shauna inhaled and savored more than just the smoke in her lungs.
Jackie just pushes her shoulder and takes the beer from her hand to drink. The fresh gloss on the cup is all she can focus on when it’s handed back to her.
Shauna sips from the same spot, getting a thrill. Pervert.
The other girl thankfully doesn’t see her, instead examining herself over the sink as she smooths out her dress.
“Mirror mirror on the wall…” Shauna teases. Great, she’s a dork too. She’ll add it to the list.
Jackie snorts and puts her hand on Shauna’s knee. She leaves it there.
It’s something that would usually make her giddy but right now, she’s more concerned that Jackie’s eyes have gone critical. Creating flaws on herself when there aren’t any. Her mother’s work.
“Jax, stop.” Shauna squeezes the hand on her knee. “You look beautiful.”
It’s just a simple fact. Jackie Taylor’s always been the prettiest girl in the room. Especially rooms like this where it’s just her and Shauna.
The other girl blushes, preening under Shauna’s words. “Thanks.” She’s always liked it when Shauna compliments her.
Jackie removes her hand and grabs the lip gloss off the counter. She holds it up. “Want some? It’s strawberry.”
Sure, it’ll get smudged off pretty quickly after she refills her beer but Jackie also just used it and Shauna will take what she can get. She nods and reaches for it but Jackie moves it away and unscrews the top.
She’s standing between Shauna’s legs now. “Hold still.” She traces the brush over her bottom lip, eyes focused on Shauna’s mouth and Shauna has no choice but to stare at hers. Jackie’s tongue peeks out as she concentrates and Shauna feels like she just took another hit from a joint. “There.” She caps the gloss, putting it down and then her hand is cupping Shauna’s cheek like it always does after she does Shauna’s makeup.
Jackie smiles, admiring her work. Still staring at her lips.
Then leans in and kisses her.
She’s kissing Shauna and Shauna’s heart stops before going into overdrive and she kisses back and oh my god and it’s over too soon as Jackie suddenly pulls away and out of reach.
There’s a long second of staring before Jackie’s eyes dart away and she laughs. “Wow, guess we drank way more than we thought!” Shauna’s ears ring. “Straight girls that can’t handle their liquor, what a fucking cliché!” Another laugh as she grabs her purse. “C’mon, Jeff’s probably wondering where I am.”
And oh, of course.
She’s drunk. Shauna knew that. She’s always been able to hide it better than Shauna has but that doesn’t mean she isn’t.
Jacqueline Taylor’s an affectionate drunk to Shauna’s mopey. And she wants to find her boyfriend, not Shauna, to continue doing affectionate things with.
Jackie’s standing at the door, waiting. Tapping her foot.
There’s a burning in Shauna’s eyes that she fights back as she nods and hops off the counter, somehow staying steady. Even manages a small smile like what happened was no big deal.
Just as Shauna hits the lights, she spies the gloss next to the sink, forgotten. She pockets it.
They spend the rest of the night next to Jeff and Randy and some other guys from the baseball team. Jeff’s arm is around Jackie and she laughs loud at something dumb he says while fiddling with her necklace and beaming up at him.
Shauna feels sick. Randy approaches her and she feels worse but he offers another beer and she chugs it.
/
Jackie calls her the next day and then they’re at the mall because she needs a new date outfit for tonight.
She doesn’t bring it up. Doesn’t find it worth mentioning. So Shauna follows her lead.
That night, while Jackie’s out with her boyfriend, Shauna’s mouth and fingers are smeared with fake strawberry and she comes hard despite the tears in her eyes.
/
It’ll never happen again. Shauna has made her peace with that. She has. It’s happened twice which is two more times than she ever thought it would. That should be enough.
It’s not. But oh well.
And life goes on.
Most of her classes are assigning more and more work to get them ready for the AP tests. Shauna’s smart and her grades are perfect but even she’s starting to worry and she’s sharing her notes with Tai to make sure they didn’t miss anything. Jackie, who’s already planning for them to get to Nationals, is just glad Shauna’s AP tests are scheduled for the week after. She gets all huffy when Shauna mentions they might not make it that far.
Practices are getting more intense as they’ve had a great start to the season and haven’t lost yet and Coach Martinez wants to keep that momentum and his drills are getting harder and she’s annoyed and tensions are running high all around while Jackie’s trying to keep the team amped up as best she can until Coach Scott mercifully dismisses them for the day. It does pay off as they win against the other undefeated Buckley team 3 to 2, with Jackie scoring one and Shauna scoring two of those goals, thank you very much. Jackie spends the rest of the week bragging about her to anyone around. It’s awkward as shit but Jackie looks so proud and fawning that she doesn’t ask her to stop.
Shauna’s dad calls late one night as he always forgets the time difference from the west coast. She spends the next day even moodier than usual until after school when Jackie finally calls her out on it. They bitch at each other in the car until Jackie makes her pull over and asks if she heard from her dad and then hugs Shauna over the center console as she trembles but refuses to cry over him again.
On the other side of the parental coin, Miriam Shipman is working days at the hospital this week which means she greatly appreciates if Shauna can be home for dinner sometimes to join her. She’s been overly sentimental lately, lamenting at how fast her little girl is growing up and kissing Shauna’s face until she’s groaning Mom! and squirming out of her hold. She asks about Brown and if Jackie knows yet and they fight and she talks Shauna down from a panic attack and it’s not brought up again but it's only going to hurt more the longer you put it off, honey. Jackie joins them for dinner twice that week and her mom dotes on Jackie too, telling cute but sorta embarrassing stories from their childhood (“…it’s 2 AM, you had chocolate sauce all over your mouth and Jackie is literally standing there with her hand in Bubbe’s cookie jar…”) and making sure Jackie’s plate is clear before she leaves the table. When Jackie stays over on Friday, the three of them watch TV and her mom falls asleep on the recliner ten minutes in. They lower the volume and the two of them just talk until her mom starts to snore.
“That’s what you sound like, Jax.”
“Fuck you.”
So yeah, life goes on. Her and Jackie are as normal as they’ve ever been.
And then it happens again.
/
Mari’s parents are out of town Saturday night and she decides to celebrate her 18th birthday a few days early.
Her house is big. Not as big as the Matthews’ but just like the Taylors’, which means there’s plenty of room for half the senior class that Mari’s apparently invited.
With one exception.
Jeff isn’t here. Jackie and him “broke up” again and his absence is best noticed in how carefree and lighter Jackie always is when she doesn’t have to play doting girlfriend. In four years, Shauna’s never gotten a straight answer when she asks why even bother taking him back. Just an annoyed eye roll and a “it’s Jeff”. Whatever that means.
It’s a party, so the alcohol’s flowing and the music is loud and overplayed and Jackie is having the time of her life.
Shauna kind of is, too.
They’re out on the pool deck by the keg, hanging out with some of the team and Van is excited about a scary movie coming out later this year that’s supposed to be a big deal and Tai is just smiling at her and Jackie’s arm is around her waist, fingertips brushing the exposed skin between Shauna’s blouse and jeans.
Affectionate Jackie is back in full force. At this point, Shauna’s just drinking to keep her throat from becoming a desert.
It doesn’t help when Jackie laughs at something Van says and her fingers twitch on her hip.
The last thing Shauna wants is to move but she needs another drink.
And like magic, Nat is next to her with a flask. Seeing Shauna look at it, she just rolls her eyes and offers.
“Thanks.” Shauna says and takes a swig. Oh, yuck. “What the fuck, gin?”
Nat laughs. “This from the girl who cuts her liquor with milk.”
“Fuck off. Gin?”
She takes out a cigarette. “What’s that saying about beggars and choosers?”
Shauna acquiesces with another painful swig and hands it back.
“It’s ‘beggars can’t be choosers’!” Misty says, appearing behind them like a fucking pop up book from hell and Shauna jolts while Nat curses.
“Hey.” Jackie’s arm tightens around Shauna and she turns to her. “You good?”
“Yeah, just.” Shauna jerks her head to the left. Jackie looks at where Misty is rambling to an uninterested Nat about all the ways smoking is bad for you.
It’s Mari’s fault for yelling out the invite at practice.
“Ah.” Understanding. Then louder. “Hi, Misty!”
“Hi!” Nat tenses. “Oh, too loud again?”
Shauna’s saved from more Misty when Allie yells “Oh, I love this song!”
“Me too!” Jackie says and now she’s pulling Shauna back inside with Allie, Lottie, and a few others behind them.
The dance floor AKA living room minus the furniture is full of people and smells like sweat, weed and too much air freshener to cover it up. It’s gross but Shauna actually doesn’t mind the song and Jackie is singing along and they’re so close together that it’s fun too.
Shauna joins in and Jackie cheers. She doesn’t make fun of her dancing this time, something that does hurt Shauna’s feelings when it happens, and instead grabs her hand and shakes them to the beat.
A couple songs go by. Then a remix of Sexual Healing starts playing and everyone loses it.
The floor gets even more crowded and Shauna is pushed right up against Jackie. She’s laughing and Shauna’s laughing and she’s grabbing Jackie’s beer to take a sip and they’re dancing and Jackie’s looking at her and Jackie’s suddenly walking off the dance floor as the song winds down and pulling Shauna with her.
“Jax, what’s wrong?” Shauna’s brain finally catches up to her body. Jackie doesn’t answer and continues pulling her through the large house as the crowd thins out and the music fades. Now she’s worried. They enter a small bathroom and Jackie shuts the door behind her, leaning against it with a look of…something. “Are you feel-”
She’s being pressed against the wall as Jackie kisses her.
“Is, is this okay?” Jackie asks, eyes searching and Shauna can only nod. A peck. “Yeah. We’re drunk.” Another nod. Another peck. “It’s fun. Friends can do this.” Third nod, peck. Jackie’s lips are trembling or maybe it’s hers or both and Shauna’s going insane. “We’re not…I’m not gay or anything.” She tells her. Shauna nods again. Jackie brushes their lips and then reiterates: “I’m not.”
“Yeah.” Shauna exhales. Because she knows and because she needs Jackie to just shut up.
Jackie finds her eyes then lips then back again. Softly, “It’s just fun.” And comes back to Shauna.
It’s a real kiss this time and Shauna wraps her arms around Jackie to keep her there, memorizing the soft curve of her lips with her own because she didn’t get the chance before and will not make that mistake again. Jackie’s hands are firm, if a little shaky, on her hips, breaths quick between them, and then she grips hard. Shauna gasps and then Jackie’s tongue is in her mouth and they both moan.
Shauna feels dizzy and she pulls Jackie tight against her, breathing in the other girl’s muffled cry.
It becomes frantic and Shauna loves it. Loves the feeling of Jackie’s tongue exploring her own, of their chests pressed so close she can’t tell which fast thumpthumpthump is who’s, the sighs and pants and groans as hands explore and they keep going, going, going.
Her mouth is on Shauna’s neck, tasting above her clavicle and she shivers, knees going weak. “Jackie.” A plea as she tugs Jackie’s hair.
Jackie moans and sucks and Shauna wants that mark on her more than she wants air. Needs it, actually. Needs to feel and see proof that this really happened. Needs to mark Jackie as Shauna’s too.
They hear a voice through the bathroom door.
“Hey dumbasses! Mari said this area was off limits. C’mon guys.” Lottie, it sounds like. There are muffled groans of complaint as people shuffle away.
Jackie breaks away and they stare at each other, panting. Her eyes are blown and her lips are wet and Shauna doesn’t care about anything else outside this room, just wants to keep kissing her while Jackie is for some reason letting her, so she leans back in but there’s a small knock on the door.
“Hey, um, whoever’s in here? Finish up and get back to the party.”
Then Lottie leaves and Jackie’s out of her grip completely, fixing herself in the mirror.
Shauna resists a whine and joins her, straightening out her rumpled shirt.
They see the reflection of the bruise at the same time. Jackie stares at it, seen then hidden then again, as Shauna tries to find the best way for her hair to fall and cover it. Knows she’ll have to keep fixing it until a sober Tai tells them it’s time to go because “Drunk 1 and Drunk 2 might be fine with missing curfew but I’m not”.
They leave the bathroom.
And no one finds it weird when Jackie keeps reaching out to play with Shauna’s hair while fixing it on her neck.
/
Jackie gets back with Jeff the next day.
Shauna ices the hickey for longer than she should, preferring that pain to the one in her chest.
She knew it was coming. It always does. The two of them were just having fun. And Jackie’s straight, anyhow.
None of this is any surprise.
The ice melts on her skin, burning.
/
Life still goes on.
Life just includes unspoken intoxicated hook ups with her best friend now.
/
They’re at their rundown park and Jackie announces to her that she wants a Team Night to celebrate their win against the Owls (“Cocksuckers knocked us out of Regionals last year!” “I remember Jax, you almost got your first red card.”) and also to “bond”. Personally, Shauna thinks showering in the locker room has already bonded them plenty. Jackie just blushes and she smirks.
So now it’s five o’ clock on a Wednesday and the team is at Parkway Lanes. None of them are any good at bowling, except for Van who tells them to use their legs since their arms don’t work for shit, and everyone’s enjoying themselves while the competition actually stays friendly. Shauna has to admit: Jackie’s plan is working and Jackie hugs her tight when she tells her so.
And when Nat, having a surprisingly good time, extends the rare invitation of a gathering at Kevyn’s house after this, Jackie immediately accepts for the both of them. Which, I mean, she could’ve asked, because even though she’s staying at Shauna’s tonight and her mom’s at work, they still have a ton of homework.
But it’s a party. With Jackie. Which lately includes the two of them sneaking away with tipsy smiles to…
Nat, Lottie and her park on the street and Lottie’s nice car looks comically out of place between Shauna’s crap Festiva and Nat’s old truck.
(It used to be her dad’s. No one ever brings him up.)
At the front door, Nat issues a warning to “just be cool” before letting them in. Jackie’s feigning offense at the implication while Shauna can’t help but notice all the happy family pictures on the walls. They get to the basement, Nirvana’s playing on the stereo (A tease, “Oh great, your music.” Shauna pokes her side.) and Kevyn offers them a hit of his joint as Nat’s guests and gestures to a bottle of whiskey.
He’s a pretty good host.
It’s not a big thing, maybe just a dozen other kids. Shauna has a class here and there with a few of them and they all at least know who Jackie is because it’s Jackie Taylor and then the four of them hang out by Kevyn and… Rich, she thinks? Either way, they’re talking about Radiohead and Jackie doesn’t have anything to contribute as to whether or not “Creep” is too mainstream now so she just chats with Lottie at her side about what Shauna teasingly calls “rich girl shit”. Jackie asks if she wants a refill and tops them both off, Shauna can’t stop her smile and their shoulders keep touching and the air is alive when their eyes meet and then Jackie’s asking Kevyn where the bathroom is.
Upstairs, third door on the right.
Jackie’s on her the second the door shuts, noses bumping hard in her haste and Shauna hums. They kiss deep and long and tasting each other like it’s been weeks instead of days since the last time and she giggles and Jackie giggles and pulls her hair in a way that makes Shauna keen and kiss harder. They don’t have a lot of time so Shauna makes it count and moves lowers, licking a trail into maddeningly soft skin.
Jackie gasps, throat tantalizing under Shauna’s lips. Then quietly reminds “No marks”.
Shauna stops for second. Then continues because yeah, she knows. She’s not the one who gets to do that. She presses but doesn’t bite even though all she wants is to paint incriminating red on the canvas beneath.
She feels the long, low groan leaves Jackie’s throat. The vibrations flowing straight to her core.
Jackie brings their mouths together, gently bites her bottom lip and soothes it with her tongue. Then moves to leave a long kiss in the crook of Shauna’s neck, delighting when Shauna’s fingers press into her shoulders.
Her lips find Shauna’s pulse. She licks and then blows and Shauna whimpers. “Jax.”
Jackie smiles on her skin, breathes in once, twice and pulls away.
Shauna knows their time is up for today.
They go back downstairs like nothing happened. Just two girls coming back from the bathroom.
Kevyn starts loudly hinting for people to leave soon after that. Shauna respects it. It’s a school night after all.
They’re outside and Jackie yanks the car keys from her hand. “No way.”
Shauna groans. Jesus, the one school assembly Jackie didn’t zone out and paint her nails during had to be the melodramatic Drinking + Driving = Dead! sophomore year. She had kept poking Shauna to pay attentionwhile she was just trying to finish her English essay because it’s nothing she hasn’t heard from her mom before.
She holds her hand out, rolling her eyes. “Jax, give them back.”
Firmly, “You’re not driving.”
“I’m fine.” It’s not like she can leave her car at Kevyn’s house anyways.
Jackie’s upset now. “Shauna-”
“Hey 69!” Lottie calls to them through her car window, about to drive off. “Need a ride?”
Mari started that nickname because of their numbers and now the whole team uses it whenever they argue. They’re both so happy it stuck.
“Yes please!” “I can’t keep my car here!”
“Hey, Nat?” Lottie says to her. Nat’s smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk, giving the two of them a weird look. Before she can figure it out, Nat looks away and to Lottie. “Think it’s okay to leave Shauna’s car overnight?”
“S’on the street, should be fine.” She takes a drag. “I can bring you after school. Coming here anyway.” A pause. “Didn’t realize you two drank that much.”
“Whoops!” Jackie says.
It’s the only way this new…aspect of friendship between them can work, after all. If they can blame it on something. If Jackie can blame it on something.
“Awesome.” Lottie unlocks the doors.
Jackie pushes her towards the car and Shauna sighs, relenting. Jackie doesn’t like her driving after beer, let alone a little liquor. It’s why she always has Jeff DD for them when they’re “together”. It annoys her, that Jackie thinks she knows Shauna’s limits better than herself. But Jackie’s never backed down.
They get in the back seat. Nat smirks. “Fucking cab driver.” She tells Lottie.
“It’s a BMW but sure.” Lottie plays along. “No puking or handsy stuff in the taxi,” she announces over her shoulder.
Lottie and Nat laugh. Shauna and Jackie don’t dare look at each other.
The rest of the night is like any other. They heat up the dinner her mom left for them in the fridge before her shift, they sober up enough to thankfully do some of the homework they were supposed to get done, Jackie calls Jeff for a ride to school tomorrow and they get ready for bed.
They’re lying side by side and she’s just about to drift off when “Shauna?”
“Yeah?”
Jackie takes her hand. Voice soft, words not. “Don’t you ever fucking think about trying to drive like that again.”
Shauna sighs, too on the verge of sleep to argue, and just squeezes her hand. “Okay.”
When Nat drops them at her car after practice, Shauna sees her giving them the same look from yesterday.
/
They only just beat Buffalo Hills at their away game. It was one to one nearly the whole time when it shouldn’thave been because they kept missing opportunities. Allie kept giving up control of the ball and they weren’t getting any ground and yellow cards were flying and Jackie was watching an undefeated season go down the drain and even Coach Scott was angry at their performance because this isn’t them and then by the Grace of her God, Laura Lee managed to intercept the ball, feint the goalie and score.
Everyone knows it’s too risky to celebrate as Coach is beyond pissed at today’s mediocrity and would definitely be doing a room check early tonight.
And that means no party. And no reason for Jackie to want her.
Shauna is disappointed, to say the least. But whatever, it’s fine.
So they take turns showering and share a bag of chips from the vending machine while Shauna writes in her journal and Jackie watches MTV, occasionally pointing out something funny or weird. And when Jackie really wants to be a little shit, she’ll oh so very slowly lean over to “peek” at what Shauna’s writing and Shauna always closes it because she writes about Brown and how Jackie is taking over her life good and resentful and that she wishes she didn’t love her and this thing they’re doing and then smacks her with it while Jackie surrenders and they laugh.
They’re still them. It comforts Shauna more than she can say.
Jackie gets off the bed and throws her varsity jacket on over her pajamas.
“I’ll grab us some tea from the lobby.” She explains at her confused look and walks to the door.
“Don’t forget the key.” Jackie scrambles back and grabs the card off the desk, flipping her off when Shauna laughs.
She drops her journal in her bag and tries to find something else on TV. She watches Tom and Jerry for a few minutes, finds herself feeling for a cartoon cat whose greatest want is always just out of reach, and quickly flips the channel in self disgust.
The intro music to Jeopardy plays and jackpot. She relaxes against the headboard and removes her bra through her tank top, tossing it on the other bed with all their shit.
I wonder if she’ll notice Shauna thinks before she can stop herself.
The door gives a soft beep as it unlocks and Jackie walks in, all smiles with two paper cups in her possession.
“You’re such a nerd.” She says as she settles in next to Shauna and hands her the beverage. “How many have you gotten right?”
“I’m winning.” Jackie smirks. Shauna looks at the cup in her hand. It’s cold.
She takes a sip through the lid and almost chokes on the definitely not tea. She looks at Jackie in surprise. “Where did you…?”
Jackie just shrugs, taking a sip from her own. “I mean, Lottie brought it anyway. Just because Coach is in a pissy mood doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.” It’s said so casually.
Shauna blinks, swallows. “You brought us booze?”
Jackie’s watching the Daily Double with rapt attention. “It’s not a big deal, Shipman.”
Except, it potentially kind of is? Because it means that Jackie might have been disappointed too. That Jackie went down to the lobby for cups and the ice machine for ice and the floor above to Lottie and Nat’s room to ask them if they wouldn’t mind sharing with her and Shauna. It means that Jackie, while needing an excuse to do what her and Shauna are doing, went out and got them one because there must be something she’s getting out of this arrangement and Shauna doesn’t have to feel like a freak who’s taking advantage of Jackie when they’re both drunk just so she can kiss her.
Shauna takes a long drink. Jackie’s cheeks tinge pink as she watches. Then her eyes go lower and she whips her head toward the TV.
And when Jeopardy ends and their cups only ice, Jackie kisses her bare shoulder. Shauna revels in the feeling for a few seconds before turning her head and they collide.
It’s the first time they’ve kissed on a bed (the dare notwithstanding) and Shauna’s head spins with every dream she’s had that started out this way.
Her hands are on the small of Jackie’s back where her shirt has ridden up and is eager to explore new territory as Jackie nips at her neck. Because while Jackie can’t have unexplained hickeys, she seems to think Shaunacan.
She’s going to have to borrow the other girl’s concealer again, lest she bundles up at breakfast around the team or outs (ruins) them both. Jackie mewls against her skin and Shauna doesn’t think anymore.
Jackie kisses along her jaw back up to her lips, then stops. She’s worried it might be over already but then she’s being pushed to lie on her back. Jackie presses her front flush to Shauna’s side, nearly half on top of her, and kisses her again.
And, fuck. Shauna’s underwear is sticking to her. Her hand tugs in lighter hair to deepen the kiss as she keens in her mouth.
Jackie’s hand is laying on her stomach, touch hot and familiar from so many nights cuddling. Shauna takes a chance at something new and covers it with her own to inch it up, up until it’s on her chest.
Jackie gasps harshly into her mouth, moaning. Keeps cupping her breast through the thin material even after Shauna’s hand leaves to find its way to her waist.
“Shauna.” She pulls back only enough to look at her: ponytail nearly undone, eyes big and looking so so pretty. “I’m not gay.” She’s breathing hard. “You know that, right?”
Jackie likes to remind her of that sometimes while they do this, either not noticing or avoiding the flicker of guilt it sparks in Shauna whenever she does so. Because she isn’t gay. She has vodka on her breath and a “long time” boyfriend and she’s just enjoying a new kind of fun with her best friend because they’re so close already and why not this too? So Jackie’s not gay. But Shauna kind of half is and what they’re doing right now definitely feels like it is.
Shauna doesn’t dare say that. Knows saying anything like that to her would be an immediate and permanent end to this. Jackie doesn’t talk about this thing to begin with, somehow anticipating the few times Shauna even thinks of hinting at it and changing the subject.
And she knows this can’t last. That one of these days Jackie won’t find this fun anymore.
So she just agrees, because what else can she do?
“Yeah, I know, Jax.” She pants.
Jackie squeezes her breast and Shauna lets out a broken moan. The sound makes Jackie jerk her hips and come back.
Shauna gives a gentle suck to Jackie’s tongue and she whines. Jackie flicks her thumb over Shauna’s straining nipple and she shakes.
She moves her hand to just above Jackie’s ass. Jackie nods against her and groans when Shauna grabs her. Eyes fluttering when Shauna grips tight.
Four distinct knocks on the door. Coach.
God fucking dammit.
They stop what they’re doing, letting go.
“Taylor, Shipman, you in there?” He calls.
Jackie rolls away from her and sits up.
“Yeah, Coach! Just us!” Her voice is breathy and Shauna bites her lip.
Jackie’s the only one he doesn’t make crack open the door to confirm, trusting his Captain. “Okay.”
And he moves on. They remain on the bed for a few moments, not looking at each other.
They never continue once interrupted. But Shauna feels like that ten word exchange barely counts as one. Her hand grazes Jackie’s arm and the other girl leaps off the bed.
“I’m gonna brush my teeth.”
She hears the don’t in Jackie’s words. She squeezes her thighs together to quell some of the ache and grabs the remote.
The next morning when Shauna walks out of the bathroom after getting off as quietly as she could in the shower, Jackie isn’t in the room but there is a bottle of her concealer left on Shauna’s pillow. She sighs and gets to work.
And at breakfast when she sits down next to Jackie and adds some bacon to the meager amount of food on her plate, she sees Lottie and Nat share a look at the next table.
She’s just thankful Jackie is too preoccupied with her necklace to notice.
/
With their win against the Knights, they could lose every game after this for the rest of the season and still qualify for Regionals. It’s a good feeling.
Their cheers are deafening and the team is jumping up and down and Van is giving Tai a piggy back ride and Shauna spins Jackie around as they all laugh and scream.
“We did it, Shipman! Holy fuck, we did it!”
They all go to a diner after to celebrate and Jackie is still buzzing with excitement and holds her hand on the table. She hasn’t let go of Shauna’s hand since the game ended.
It’s perfectly innocent and nothing they haven’t done before.
Shauna’s always liked holding her hand.
Mari, across from them, reaches over Van next to her to grab a napkin. She spots their interlocked fingers.
“Ha. 69.” She quips and goes right back to talking with Lottie.
Jackie lets go immediately. Murmurs “Shut up, Mari” even though she’s not paying attention.
She focuses on her Caesar salad, tense.
The back of Shauna’s hand brushes against hers, hopeful and Jackie pulls it away and into her lap.
She tries not to show how much the rejection stings.
Fucking Mari
Shauna can tell Van’s staring at her. She looks at her half grilled cheese and tomato soup instead, the other half sitting on Jackie’s plate. She has a feeling it’ll remain untouched now.
She’s had years of practice so when the fuck did she get so bad at hiding her feelings? If others on the team are starting to suspect, it’s only a matter of time before Jackie does too.
Which of Shauna’s secrets will out first and be the one to ruin them?
It doesn’t feel like much of a celebration after that. She’s almost grateful when she drops Jackie off at her house after.
“Love you.” Shauna says after they hug. Like normal.
Jackie gives her a smile and gets out of the car. Also like normal.
She doesn’t remember the last time Jackie said it back.
It sums them up well, Shauna thinks.
Shauna watches Jackie enter her house before driving away.