Chapter Text
It occurs to Kaveh that he is broken.
Maybe he always had been, made he has been for a while; regardless of all of that, he knows now that he is irrevocably so and that he will never be whole again. There will, for as long as he is conscious enough to feel it, be a part of him that is broken.
Somehow it is that that haunts his mind now.
The touch of Alhaitham remains on his skin regardless of whether the scars and bruises remain. Even if they are not there, Kaveh will always feel them. He, with his wrong and distant eyes, will see them when no one else will. He won’t forget his touch, the way his fingers would sink into his hips with every thrust. The way his breath would sound with his lips pressed against the shell of his ear; breathing in, breathing out .
Alhaitham is forever imprinted on his being and Kaveh knows he’ll never escape him.
“It seems he was last seen near Fontaine, but neither the Archon or the Chief of Justice have been able to locate him. It’s very possible he’s already left.”
Tighnari and Cyno are in front of him. They have been for the last half hour, and really, Tighnari never really leaves his side much anymore; at least, not for the past few weeks. Everyday, like clockwork, Kaveh wakes to the smell of trees and fresh air and hears the hustle and bustle of Avidya Forest that is nonexistent to him. He knows it's there, he senses it, but he does not experience it.
Five to ten minutes after, Tighnari will walk in with a warming smile and a plate of food with the attempt of conversation that Kaveh will hum or nod along to but nothing else. The past few days, he’d been given the task of helping Collei around with some of her tasks; the easy ones, at least. Tighnari says it is not because he doesn’t trust him, but because his body is still healing.
Kaveh wants to ask from what , but he knows that Tighnari won’t like that so he doesn’t.
And then he’ll have dinner with Tighnari and Collei and then go to the hut that he’s been given and sleep without actually sleeping only to repeat it all tomorrow.
It’s been two weeks since the day Kaveh stabbed Alhaitham in the calf with a kitchen knife and found Nilou in the streets of Sumeru City in hysterics. It’s been two weeks since Cyno questioned him about everything that happened and Kaveh admits it all. The words that would not leave him before had come pouring from his lips in waves of a non-stop storm. The embarrassment and shame in his body burned, made his heart scorched and hurt but he continued because it was only fair that he suffered after all he’s caused.
It’s been two weeks since Cyno told him he would find Alhaitham and make him pay.
And it’s been two weeks since Alhaitham fled Sumeru City and had been seen last.
The justice Cyno promised him has not been given but it is justice Kaveh does not care for.
He won’t tell Cyno and Tighnari that, though.
He sees their lips moving now, rapid in conversation as Tighnari asks Cyno if he thinks Alhaitham will attempt to come back for Kaveh and Cyno will say that he honestly doesn’t know but he doubts it since he hasn’t yet. He can see their eyes flicker to him, in concern and discomfort because neither of them know what to say or how to help and Kaveh doesn’t know how to explain that they can’t.
Nor should they have to.
He sees their lips moving but doesn’t listen and doesn’t try to say anything.
So he sits there, minutes tick and then Cyno is in front of him.
“I have guards around the Forest parameter,” he says, “Alhaitham won’t be able to sneak in.”
Don’t bother, he wants to say . I don’t need it . But he doesn’t know how and he knows Cyno won’t listen anyway, so he nods.
Cyno stares at him for a moment longer, waiting, practically begging in his own way for Kaveh to say something and when he ultimately does not, he turns to Tighnari who shakes his head with an understanding smile and leads him out. Tighnari calls behind him that he’ll be back but Kaveh’s attention has already shifted and he lets his eyes fall on the window that shows the edge of the forest.
He moves towards it and stares hard at the lines of greens, leaves and branches and everything blending in together into one big nothingness in Kaveh’s eyes.
The breeze pulls through the forest and it moves with it, rocking with the sway and hissing in response. Kaveh’s eyes remain focused on it, unable to pull away, feeling like the nothingness of the air that blows through and finding solace in something that understands. The forest is alive, but it just exists; it’s purpose is to exist. Kaveh isn’t sure what his purpose once might’ve been, but he understands the reality of his situation.
He is broken. He will never be whole again. He perpetually exists as nothing more than a being now.
The lull of his state has remained for the past two weeks.
Kaveh is afraid of what that means.
Then, as if thought is enough to conjure him, a flash of gray appears in the corner of Kaveh’s vision. He startled, body jerking and a gasp leaving his lips as the gray is so familiar and so haunting. He turns towards it, and half of him expects to see him there — Alhaitham .
But it’s a vast green and nothing else.
The gray is gone.
It occurs to him that the gray was probably never there.
“Are you thinking of taking on a client again?”
Tighnari’s question is innocent. From across the table, his eyes are gentle and his lips are curved into a warm smile. He says it in a way that Kaveh would expect, that he’s come to learn personally over the last few weeks; kind and encouraging without any added pressure. But Kaveh hears the hidden words underneath the laced niceties.
Will you ever return to your life?
His eyes lower, fall on the dinner before him and he breathes in sharply.
“Maybe,” he admits, voice low. “I’m still in debt after all.”
He says maybe because he doesn’t want to, because there’s a part of him that clings and hopes and prays that by saying maybe Tighnari will assure him that he doesn’t have to. That he can spend the rest of his meaningless life rotting away in this forest where no one besides Tighnari and Collei and then Cyno when he stops by, but even then that’s farer and fewer between, talk to him because everyone else is afraid of him.
They’re afraid of him because they don’t know what to make of him.
Kaveh, Light of Kshahrewar, once an esteemed architect that was known for being lousy with money, quick to temper and a drunk; Kaveh, who now spent his days wasting away in a forest of green he can’t appreciate for anything other than a place to hide. Kaveh who spent his days rotting and not living and who was broken.
Kaveh who will never be whole again.
Who may have never been whole.
Tighnari doesn’t assure him though, and instead, the smile that curls on his lips is hopeful; “you could start slow.” He suggests gently—because Tighnari’s always gentle. “Just a client here and there.”
Kaveh nods but the food is starting to taste like bile in his mouth.
“I don’t have anywhere to live.”
Tighnari shakes his head; “you can still stay here.”
“It’s a far journey to Sumeru City and back.”
Tighnari frowns and so Kaveh concedes. Because he’s already done too much for him and Kaveh doesn’t want to be a burden anymore. Even if it feels like his insides might crawl out of him.
“ But the exercise might be good.”
The smile returns and Tighnari falls into a ramble of how beneficial it could be, how much it’ll help– Kaveh , he means. Getting back to life, pushing and persevering despite the trauma he’s endured. It’s the only way to heal, Tighnari says, and heal it will, he promises.
Kaveh knows it won’t.
But he nods nonetheless.
His job used to make him happy.
Sure, there were frustrating clients and days but that came with any job. Kaveh had, despite his debt, despite his circumstances, always felt like one of the lucky ones because he was able to do something he loved for a job. His role as an architect gave him pride and his took his craft seriously.
It doesn't now.
“This is… nothing like what I requested.”
The client's hands gesture wildly to the drawings Kaveh had given him, crumpled at the edges with how tightly his fists close around the paper in anger. His face is red and his eyes blaring as his lips continue to move, continuing to yell at Kaveh who stares blankly at him.
“I thought you were supposed to be one of the best,” the client spits, cruel and mean. “This is not the best. This is garbage.”
It’s been two months since Kaveh ran away from Alhaitham. Two months since he escaped his captivity and two months since Alhaitham disappeared without a single trace left of him.
The reality of the world is people’s sympathy tends to disappear when time passes. They’re kind and understanding at first, but then life moves on and reality settles in and Kaveh now knows that if you don’t follow in step with them, you’re left behind.
He’s been left behind.
Because Cyno promises he hasn’t stopped looking for Alhaitham, and Kaveh knows he hasn’t but he also knows that it isn’t his top priority. It might not be a priority at all.
Because Tighnari is still gentle and kind, but his eyes betray him every time.
Because people don’t look at him with sympathy anymore but instead anger like this client does because Kaveh can’t be like them. He can't move on, he can’t heal, he can’t forget.
He just can’t forget.
“I’m sorry,” he says, words on autopilot. “I’ll revise them the way you want.”
“You’d better,” the client huffs, practically throwing the papers at Kaveh with a scoff. “This has already put us behind a whole week. I want the revisions done by tomorrow.”
“I promise,” he nods, knowing full well that that means he’ll be up all night.
The client leaves with another shake of the head and Kaveh is left with a clutter of papers and the presence of eyes on his back.
He turns and heads home.
With the request of Tighnari, Cyno had helped him find a small apartment closer to Sumeru City when he started taking on more clients. That had been a month ago and at first, it had seemed people had been ecstatic at the return of Kaveh; Tighnari’s suggestion of starting slow had been useless because very quickly Kaveh had been overwhelmed by a mass amount of requests thrown his way.
So, to help, Tighnari and Cyno had helped him find an apartment within his budget with a few forgivings that involved a late rent here or there given by him due to Cyno’s higher position within the Akademiya.
Only problem is, those requests started dying out the second the clients realized the famed Light of Kshahrewar wasn’t good anymore.
He was tarnished goods, after all.
His debt was worse than before and Kaveh was soon to be evicted from his apartment if he didn’t pay rent.
Worst part, he didn’t really care.
Unlocking his front door, Kaveh lets it fall shut behind him with a sigh, letting his eyes flicker across his small, bare and sad little apartment.
He stops, however, at the sight of Alhaitham sitting in his living room.
Kaveh is sure he’s imagining it at first. Hallucinating, maybe. But then he blinks and blinks and then pinches himself and still, Alhaitham is in front of him.
“Hey,” he calls, casual and unphased.
Kaveh swears he’s gone crazy.
“Wha… What are you…” But his words or his lips, he’s not sure, fail him and he instead is left sputtering in front of his junior like an idiot.
Alhaitham lets out a soft, short chuckle, bracing himself on his knees as he slowly pushes to a stand. Kaveh instinctively flinches the second he takes a step towards him, his mind telling him he should run—run and find Cyno. His body won’t let him, though.
“I wanted to check in on you,” Alhaitham explains. “It’s been a while.”
“You’re a wanted criminal,” Kaveh gasps, voice pitching. “You… You’ve been missing for two months.”
Alhaitham shrugs; “and who’s fault is that?”
Indignation floods Kaveh and it’s the strongest emotion he’s felt in two months. “ Mine ? After everything you did to me?”
Alhaitham is right in front of him now, inches apart. Kaveh’s heart is pounding, fear coursing through his veins and he knows he should run but he can’t. His legs won’t move and his hands twitch at his sides as if to touch him.
“What exactly did I do to you?” Alhaitham asks, raising a brow. His expression is smug and it gives Kaveh whiplash. “ Love you?”
“You… You raped me,” Kaveh whispers, shaking his head. “You kidnapped me, kept me in a cellar… you… you…—!”
Alhaitham raises his hand and Kaveh flinches, but he can’t pull away–or, rather, he doesn’t want to. Alhaitham’s hand falls on his cheek, soft and gentle, and Kaveh wants to cry at the way he relishes in the touch.
It’s the first time he’s let someone touch him in months—Tighnari can barely set a hand on his shoulder without Kaveh reacting wildly. It’s not so much because of what Alhaitham had done as everyone would believe, but because Kaveh’s body only craves Alhaitham’s touch.
Kaveh can’t admit that, though.
“I loved you,” he argues once more. “You were happy with me.”
“I wasn’t,” Kaveh hisses, sobbing.
“Are you now?”
He isn’t.
Lips parting, Kaveh blinks, speechless.
“I’m leaving for Snezhnaya,” Alhaitham says and it’s so sudden, Kaveh can barely keep up. “I leave tomorrow. It’s quite a trip and I’m sure the weather will be a pain to adjust to, but for obvious reasons, I can’t stay here. I have to go far away and Snezhnaya seems like the perfect place, at least temporarily.”
Kaveh just shakes his head; “why are you telling me this?”
Smirking and smug, Alhaitham shrugs, pulling his hand away; “just so you know.”
He steps past him then, moving towards the door and Kaveh doesn’t move, doesn’t dare let himself in fear of what he’ll do in response.
Because, yes, Alhaitham’s smug but Kaveh’s biggest concern is the smugness might be well placed.
“I’ve been watching, you know. You never left my thoughts.”
He’s out the door a second later without another word and without Kaveh being given the chance to even attempt to say something in return.
Gasping, Kaveh collapses to his knees the second the door shuts, heaving as he presses his palms flat against the floor.
A million thoughts go through his mind in that moment, but the most pressing is the realization that he wants to chase after Alhaitham.
Kaveh is broken and he’ll never be whole again.
Nor will he ever heal.
He knows this, he’s accepted this.
In the two months since everything occurred, Kaveh understands his reality.
But as he sits there on his bed, hours after Alhaitham had left, in the dark, staring at the scattered papers of the drawings for his client, he thinks about if there’s still something he can find happiness from.
He is a half-made man, with pieces of him that are gone and vanished. Even before everything, Kaveh was lost.
The only time he didn’t feel lost, at least not completely, however, was with Alhaitham.
It’s a cruel joke that that fact remained the same even when everything happened.
Alhaitham was cruel but Kaveh doesn’t think him evil. The things he did were wrong but Kaveh doesn’t think he inherently meant them to be that way. Call it Stockholm, but this is what Kaveh believes.
In his heart, he cannot accept that Alhaitham is evil or that he ever intended to hurt Kaveh.
But he also knows it’s wrong.
Kaveh understands it’s not right and he’d be betraying every part of himself if he listened to his heart and followed Alhaitham.
He thinks of Tighnari and Cyno and Collei and all his friends he’s been a burden to. How even they have grown tired of his trauma and his inability to heal. They’ll never say it, but Kaveh knows.
Because he is broken.
And it is because he’s broken that Kaveh thinks even if it is wrong, it’s what he deserves.
He can never heal, but Kaveh can still mend. It won’t be done right, but it’d at least be something .
It’s what his body and heart have been telling him, and have been trying to guide himself to — he’d been too scared to admit. Maybe even too embarrassed. When he’d see a flash of gray, or the resistance to going back to life; what was life even worth living for? To be in debt? To be yelled at by clients? To suffer?
He’d experienced pleasure with Alhaitham. Physical pleasure, yes, but even Kaveh can’t deny that his body still yearns for it.
All those nights spent stroking his cock only to not be able to do cum because it was too simple, too gentle, too normal?
He’d tried to deny it, tried to ignore it, but he needed the insanity.
He craved it.
To live was to suffer but to submit was to feel pleasure, Kaveh understands that now.
Kaveh knows now, too, what his existence really is.
It’s to submit.
These two months had been some poor attempt to deny the reality of it, the reality Kaveh had always known deep inside of him. Alhaitham showing up today only proved that, only helped guide Kaveh to that understanding.
Kaveh thinks Alhaitham knows that too – that the reason he’d been there today was for that very purpose.
With tears streaming down his cheeks and a pain in his chest, Kaveh stands.
He stands and he walks out the front door without a single look back.
His breath is heavy and his skin is hot.
The restriction of his limbs drives him closer to the edge of insanity as the coil tightens and he lets himself go.
“That’s it,” the voice whispers to him, hot and warm and husky and cruel , “let it go. I’ve got you.”
He trusts the words despite the cruelty. There’s faith in the understanding that he is held and that this will guide him to his goal of experiencing the pleasure that his body craves.
He trusts it so inexplicably that he ignores the voice in his mind that cries in anguish and shuts off the part of him capable of thinking — because thinking is not his existence.
To submit is to live, he’s learned and to submit to Alhaitham is the only way to do it.
“Such a good boy for me, Kaveh.”
Because Kaveh has given up on all semblance of living and has instead decided to focus on the carnal pleasure of existing for Alhaitham.
He does this because he is broken, because he will never heal and because it's the only way he knows how to live.