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Koujaku likes to cuddle with me. I like it too, sitting next to him on the couch or, like right now, laying in his arms in bed. He holds me gently and has a habit of idly stroking my fingers with his. It's soothing and comforting. His affection is never stifling, and the knowledge that I can pull away from him at any time makes me happy to stay right where I am.
When they would pretend to be affectionate, I always felt like was drowning. Pulling away from them would only bring pain, but so did staying still, as soon as they got bored and wanted to hear me cry...
I shake my head. No, fuck that, I don't want those ugly thoughts to creep in while I'm happily cuddling with my lover. But even now, almost a full year after my rescue, sometimes when my mind wanders it goes places I don't like...
So distract yourself, my other self thinks. I know what he's suggesting. It's what he's always suggesting. I mean, I do like sex with Koujaku most of the time, but if my other self had his way, we wouldn't do anything else. And sometimes I'd prefer to just cuddle.
I get the impression of a frustrated sigh, If you're tired of my suggestions, then let me out for a change.
That seems like an awful idea. I don't remember most of the shit I did as a teenager when he was influencing me the most, but I remember enough to know that I was terrible. Koujaku already deals with my issues enough, he doesn't need to be subjected to my other self.
That's not fair! I never did anything but try to help you, back then and now. I'm not going to do anything bad.
I snuggle in closer to Koujaku. He hums contentedly and kisses my forehead, and my other self is quiet for a while.
Then, the soft thought comes, It's not fair for you to keep him all to yourself, Reason. We're both Aoba. I love him, too.
Oh. That's...
Okay. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can take control again if he starts causing trouble, and he does have a point.
Yeah, you're real fucking generous, Reason, he thinks bitterly.
I close my eyes, and take a mental step back to let my other self take over.
I take a deep breath. It's been a long time since I've been in control without having to fight for it, or even without having to fight anyone once I have it. It's just me and Koujaku, laying together on his bed. He hasn't stopped holding my hand, gently rubbing his thumb across my knuckles, completely unaware of the argument that just happened with Reason inside my own head.
That's not shocking, though. He's pretty, but kind of dumb.
Hey! Reason sounds scandalized, and I laugh a bit. I'm not wrong. Koujaku is an idiot, but, hey, he's my idiot.
“Hm?” Koujaku says, “What's funny?”
“Nothing,” I say, “I was just thinking about you -” I can't resist teasing him while I have the opportunity, “- and that nosebleed.”
“You-!” Koujaku goes red with indignation as I laugh, “Are you ever going to let me live that down?”
“Nope!” He's so much fun to tease.
“Well,” he says with a sigh, “If it makes you happy, I can't be mad about it.”
“You say that about everything,” I say with a frown, “I think you'd just accept it if I said that punching you in the face made me happy.”
Don't you dare! Reason thinks, and I can feel him trying to grab control back. I shove him down. For fuck's sake, is that really what he thinks of me?
“No, not quite,” Koujaku says, shaking his head with a laugh, “But if a little bit of embarrassment on my part makes you smile, then I'll endure it. It's worth it. I love it when you're happy.”
“Hippo,” I say, but I smile at him.
He kisses my forehead, and I take his hand and put it on my waist. He's stupid, but sweet and sincere. He's looking at me with downright adoration in his eyes. I like it. It makes me feel... powerful, in some way. This man would do anything for me, he loves me so much.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
He blushes a bit, faint pink across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. It's a good look on him. I wonder, has he been thinking lewd thoughts about me? That would be nice... I want to have him to myself for a bit before I let Reason take control again.
“You'll probably call me a sap if I tell you,” he says.
“That's because you are a sap,” I say. So he was thinking something romantic, then, not sexy. Damn. But I can still go from there. “Tell me anyway?”
"I was thinking about how... I've never been able to find the right word to describe the color of your eyes,” he says, “Sometimes they look green and sometimes they look hazel, and sometimes they look bronze... right now they look gold.” He strokes my cheek gently, “but they're always beautiful.”
I... have no idea what to say in response to that. I've never had anybody say something like that to me... Most of the compliments I've ever gotten on my appearance were simple, not flowery descriptions straight out of a romance novel.
“Koujaku...” Am I...? Yeah, I think I'm actually blushing. I can believe something like that actually got to me, but it did.
He blushes and looks away, “I told you it was sappy.”
Yes, but I liked it. Maybe... maybe it would be nice to let Koujaku romance me for a while instead of just fucking him. While I'm out to enjoy it. I cover his hand with mine and smile lazily.
“Are you trying to seduce me?” I ask.
Koujaku goes bright red, “I – ”
I turn my head to kiss his palm and he makes that strangled noise that I think is cute.
“Because if you are, it's working,” I say, “Go on.”
“I – I...” Koujaku stammers. He swallows and seems to get himself under control, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” It feels good to say it. I sense a bit of surprise from Reason. The jerk. Did he think I was lying? Koujaku is my lover, too.
Sorry, Reason thinks at me, You're usually just so... mean.
I'm blunt. I want what I want and I don't hesitate about going after it. Maybe that seems mean to some people, but I'm not a liar. I love Koujaku.
Yeah.
“When you smile,” Koujaku says, “Your whole face lights up. You have a dimple right here -” he touches my face, to the side of my chin, “ - that only shows for the biggest smiles. It's cute and I love seeing it, because it means you're really happy.”
I didn't know I had a dimple. I've never seen it. I guess I don't spend much time grinning at myself in the mirror.
“You've looked at my face a lot, haven't you?” I ask.
“And... other parts,” he says, going pink again, “I just like to look at you.”
“Oh?” I say in a teasing tone, “Other parts? Like where?”
“Here,” Koujaku says, touching my shoulder, “The way your hair falls around your neck, especially when it's loose... I've already told you, but I love your hair.”
He trails his fingers along my shoulder up to my neck, stroking my hair. I can't help but shiver at the sensation, and Koujaku hesitates, pulling his hand back a bit.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
He's always so careful, but right now I don't want him to be. I push his shoulder so that he's laying back flat on the bed, and move to lean over him. I want him so much right now. I want him all the time, but especially right now.
“Yes,” I say firmly, and kiss him. His lips open for me and his tongue twines with mine and I think I feel fireworks going off behind my eyes. Koujaku is a wonderful kisser.
It doesn't take much kissing before I'm hard and reaching down to untie Koujaku's kimono. I pull it open and sit back so I can have a good look at that beautiful, tattooed body. He's toned, but lean, built more like a runner than a weightlifter. I wonder if I find Koujaku sexy because I like that body type, or if I find that body type sexy because I like Koujaku. I run my hands along his abs and he shivers from the touch.
“Aoba...” Koujaku is looking up at me with an expression that looks like a blend of awe and lust. I always want him to look at me like that.
“Is there a reason you're not kissing me right now?” I ask.
He makes that strangled noise again, but sits up and puts his arms around my shoulders to pull me in for a kiss. Perfect. I slide his kimono off his shoulders without breaking the kiss.
At first, Reason had to wear Koujaku's kimono to keep from having panic attacks at being fully naked in front of someone, but now he's comfortable with it. I don't think I'll have that problem, but I know it turns Koujaku on.
“You like seeing me wear this, don't you?” I ask with a grin, and quickly put it on.
“Yeah,” Koujaku says vaguely, his expression dazed, “You're being very – um – very...”
He's pretty cute when he's speechless.
“You're okay with it, aren't you?” I ask, with a teasing smile.
He nods. “Very... direct,” he finally says, “I don't dislike it, though.”
He hasn't seen this side of Aoba before. Reason listens to my suggestions sometimes, but he's more hesitant about it, the memory of captivity always at the back of his thoughts. I don't have that problem. I hated them, I hated what they did to me, but they're dead and I'm free to do what I want with who I want.
“I just really want you right now.”
The things they did to me felt good. I would probably have loved it if it had been Koujaku doing those things to me, because I wanted him to.
That's horrible, Reason thinks.
What, thinking that the bad part was that I had no choice? I thought we were in agreement about that.
Thinking that Koujaku would ever be that cruel!
Oh, get over yourself, Reason.
I kiss Koujaku firmly, and his hands come up to hold my shoulders again. I know how strong he is, but he's so gentle when he touches me. Honestly, sometimes he's too gentle for it to really feel good. I want to feel all of that strength of his. I want him to manhandle me a little bit. I know he wouldn't hurt me, not even if I asked him to, but I'd like it if he picked me up and moved me around, or maybe held me down for a little bit.
“Hey, Koujaku,” I say, breaking the kiss, “What do you want to do?”
“Huh?”
“You're always being so careful and doing what I want. What do you want to do?” I ask, “I want to do things for you, too.”
“I just like doing what makes you happy,” Koujaku says, “It doesn't matter what we do, I just like to be with you in any way I can.”
Why do I love this idiot so much? I drop my head to his chest with a groan, “That's the problem, hippo! It's not fair if it's always you doing everything for me.”
“I -” Koujaku starts, but I cut him off.
“It's not like I would just go along with it if you did something I didn't like. Come on, there's got to be something you'd like to do with me right now. What were you hoping that I'd do next when I said I wanted you?”
He goes bright red and I smirk at him. He can act as noble as he wants, but I know something lewd just came to mind.
I lean in close to murmur in his ear, “Come on, Koujaku... tell me what you thought of. I want to do it for you.” I punctuate it with a little kiss on his neck, just below his ear, and I can feel him shiver. I know how much he wants me. I want him to stop holding back.
“I -” he stops, biting his lip.
“What are you hoping for, Koujaku?” I kiss him again, and let my voice slip in to the compelling tone that I used to unconsciously use on customers, “Tell me...”
He's as red as his kimono, but he says, “I'd hoped... that you'd decide that you might, um... want to give me a blowjob?”
He looks so embarrassed as he says it. I grin at him and give him another quick kiss, this time on the lips.
“That's all? You didn't need to be so shy about asking for something that simple.” We definitely have some things to work on, if Koujaku gets that shy and embarrassed over asking for me to do something for him. I kiss him on the chin, and slowly move down his body.
When I get down to the top of his pants, I notice that his hands are clenched in the sheets. He's always holding himself back with me.
“I love you,” I say, pausing and looking up at him, “You're always taking care of me and it's not like I hate it or anything, but there's nothing wrong with you asking for things you want, too. I want to do things that you like.”
“I know,” he says softly, “I just... It's hard for me to ask, when just being with you is like a dream come true. It feels... selfish.”
I kiss his stomach, just above the waistband of his pants, and I can feel him shiver. He wants me so much... I smile at him, “That's not a bad thing, sometimes.” I unbutton his pants and begin to pull them down, and he makes another strangled noise in his throat. I don't let it stop me. I want to do this, and he wants me to do it even if he's awkward about it.
He's more than half-hard when I wrap my hand around his cock. I like the way it feels in my hand as I gently stroke him. It's soft and smooth and hot to the touch, and as I stroke him, it quickly hardens the rest of the way. I breathe through my nose, taking in Koujaku's smell – rich and masculine, with the faintest hint of soap lingering from his shower last night. I glance up at him and see he's still watching me with that awestruck expression and I smile at him before turning my attention back to his dick.
Koujaku doesn't make much noise when we have sex. I wonder how loudly I can make him moan. In one motion, I take as much of his cock in my mouth as I can at once.
“Aoba!” he gasps.
I choose to count that as a success. He tastes good and I love the feeling of power I get from doing this. I want him to want me as much as I want him. So much that he just can't help himself... I let out a little moan around his cock at the thought.
Koujaku is gasping my name like a prayer as I bob my head on his cock. Should I try to get him off this way? I know I can, and I want to taste it, but I also want him to fuck me...
We haven't gotten to that yet! Reason protests.
I know. Reason's holding back from it, and Koujaku's been patient and understanding and would never push me to do anything I wasn't completely ready to do. But I want him, and I know he wants me back.
But...
You want it too, Reason. There's no need to be afraid with Koujaku.
I pull back, letting Koujaku's cock slip out of my mouth with a wet sound. I give the head a quick kiss and look up at Koujaku, “Is this what you wanted?”
“Fuck, Aoba, you're -” he breaks off into a moan when I give his balls a squeeze. He's so cute when he's incoherent. He reaches down and touches my cheek with the tips of his fingers. It's such a tender touch...
“You're beautiful,” he says, reverently.
Turning my head, I kiss his fingertips gently. I like the way his breath hitches when I do. “Koujaku...” I say, “I want to have you inside me.”
He makes a noise of surprise. Of course he does, he does that whenever I suggest something new.
“Are you sure?” he asks, “You don't have to push yourself to go that far -”
“I'm not,” I interrupt him, “I know what I want. I'm ready for this.”
Koujaku looks a little uncertain, but he nods at me, “Okay. If you're sure.”
“I am.” I want him so much. I can't stand knowing that the only men who've ever fucked me were people I hated and never wanted to touch me. I'm ready to change that. With one last little kiss on the head, I pull away from his cock and move back up until we're eye to eye. “Besides, I know you want it too...”
“I do,” he admits, blushing, and reaches for the bedside table, “Hang on a second...”
He opens the drawer and fumbles in it for a bit. Looking for the lube, I realize, as he pulls out the little tube. He uses it regularly, whether he's fingering me or sometimes even just for handjobs. It feels really good, so I can't complain about him being careful.
My pants are in the way, so I pull them down and kick them away. I leave Koujaku's kimono on, though, hanging loosely around my shoulders. The way he looks at me is absolutely reverent. Yes, that's good. I want him to always look at me like that. But I can't resist teasing him, too.
“What are you looking at so intensely?” I ask with a smile.
He blushes again, but smiles back at me. “You,” he answers, “You're gorgeous.”
Fuck, now I'm the one blushing. How does he always manage to get to me like that?
“Could you lay on your back for me?” he asks, very politely, as he opens the lube and squeezes some out onto his fingers. He still looks a little flustered, but he seems confident. Well, preparing me isn't really any different from just fingering me, and he's good at that.
“I think I'd prefer to do it like this,” I answer, and straddle his lap. The strangled noise he makes has me grinning, and I take his wrist and guide his hand slowly down.
“I'll have more control, and be able to do it how I like,” I explain.
His whole expression goes oddly soft, and he leans forward and kisses me, so tenderly it gives me goosebumps. I've never felt so loved. For a moment, I think I might actually cry. Koujaku... how does he do these things to me?
It feels nice to be loved, doesn't it? Reason asks.
It does.
“Of course,” Koujaku whispers when he pulls back, “We can do it however you like. But I need to prepare you... If we go too fast I could hurt you, and I don't want to do that.”
I wouldn't mind if it hurts as long as I was getting what I want, but I know Koujaku would. A lot. And then he'd freak out and we'd have to stop before we got to the good part.
No! Reason protests, The best thing about Koujaku is that nothing he does ever hurts. Don't you dare change that!
With an impatient sigh, I move back and lay on the bed. “Okay.”
I spread my legs for Koujaku and he looks overwhelmed. For a moment, he doesn't move. Then he shakes himself briefly and leans over me.
“I don't know what's gotten into you today, but it's nice to see you so confident,” he says.
Like always, I flinch when his fingers first touch my entrance. It doesn't look like I'm getting over that reflex any time soon, but I smile and nod at him when he looks at me. He knows I flinch every time, but he still checks every time. Idiot. But it's sweet how caring he is, so I don't really mind. I prop myself up on my elbows, so I can watch him better. I like to watch when he's touching me...
Relaxing for the first finger isn't hard at all, and neither is the second. My body is used to him by now. He doesn't really touch any of my sweet spots as he gently pumps them in and out, but that makes sense. He's not trying to get me off this time, he's getting me ready to take his cock. I let out a moan at the thought. I've never wanted anyone like I want him right now.
I definitely never wanted Virus or Trip, Reason thinks.
“Koujaku...” I gasp, “Kiss me?”
He smiles up at me, and pauses his ministrations long enough to lean over and kiss me. He always kisses so tenderly... I catch his bottom lip between my teeth and tug on it, and the noise he makes is very satisfying. He pulls back and smiles at me.
“Cute...” he murmurs.
“I think I'm ready,” I say.
He frowns, “Be patient, okay? I don't want to hurt you.”
I let out a frustrated groan. I want him now, and I don't want to be patient.
“Relax,” he says affectionately, “Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging.”
He begins to scissor his fingers, carefully stretching me, and I moan loudly. Fuck, that feels amazing. I've always thought his hands were beautiful, and knowing what's coming soon only makes it better, even if I don't like having to be patient.
It's probably only a few minutes, but feels like forever before Koujaku finally decides that he's prepped me enough and withdraws his fingers. I feel strangely empty without them, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to be full again really soon.
I push his shoulder and he lays down, looking at me with that same tender expression. It shifts to awestruck again when I carefully straddle him.
“Aoba -” he starts to say, but it breaks off in a moan when I take his cock and line it up with my entrance. I kind of want to tease him for a bit, but I'd be teasing myself, too, and I don't have the patience for that right now.
“I love you,” I murmur, and lower myself onto his cock. It isn't huge or anything, but it's still bigger than his fingers and the stretch hurts at first. I can't help but whimper, but I don't care about the discomfort. It feels good more than anything else, it's only just painful enough that I know it's real, not a dream or a fantasy.
“You okay?” he asks, concerned, but obviously straining to keep his voice steady.
I move my hips back and forth as I adjust to the sensation, just a little, but it's enough for Koujaku to drop his head back to the pillow with a groan.
“I'm good.” My voice comes out a little bit embarrassing, but the look Koujaku gives me is so lustful I don't even care. He reaches for my hand and I hold it to steady myself.
I lift myself up and sink down again, letting out a moan at the feeling. His cock feels so thick and hot, filling me up just the way I wanted. He's inside me, and I'm in control. He's holding my hand tightly, and it's the only thing keeping me grounded as I begin to ride him. At first I go slowly, but as I get used to it I go faster.
“Aoba,” Koujaku gasps, “Fuck, Aoba, you feel amazing...”
With a grin, I let go of his hand. “I want to try something.”
I lean back and brace my hands behind me, on Koujaku's strong thighs. I've seen this position in porn, and I always thought it looks hot. It's harder to move like this, and I can't go as fast, but when I move, his cock hits my sweet spot perfectly and the sound I let out is almost a wail.
“Nnngh, Koujaku! So good!” I'm amazed I managed to sound even that coherent. Koujaku is practically drooling up at me, so it must be good for him, too.
Koujaku's hands settle on my waist, guiding me as I move up and down. I don't think I can keep this up long enough to come from it, but it feels amazing, and I never want to stop. I completely lose track of time, focusing on the sensations – Koujaku's cock filling me up, his firm but gentle grip on my waist – but after a while, I get tired enough that I have to slow down.
“Aoba?” he asks.
“I'm okay,” I say, “This is harder than it looks.”
“Aoba,” Koujaku says softly, reverently. Then he takes me by surprise by sitting up and wrapping his arms around me. The sudden change in position makes me moan, and I put my arms around his shoulders as he thrusts into me. My cock is rubbing against his stomach, just a little bit of extra stimulation that still has sparks going off behind my eyes.
“God, you're so beautiful,” he says, his voice rough, “I love you so much.”
He's still thrusting into me, hard and fast, and the noises I'm making are embarrassing, but I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I want him to know how good he's making me feel, I want him to hear my voice and be as hungry for me as I am for him.
Tilting my head up, I kiss him intensely, and he returns it with just as much fervor. I'm not going to last much longer, not with Koujaku holding me so close and kissing me like this. It feels so good, though, I'm torn between wanting to finish and wanting it to last forever.
I slide one hand between our bodies and grasp my cock, stroking it and moaning into Koujaku's mouth as I do. When he puts his hand over mine and helps stroke my cock, my whole body stiffens, and after just a few strokes I cum.
He thrusts up into me a few more times, and then I feel him spilling inside me, filling me up. It's wonderful, hot and messy and appealingly dirty, in a way that doesn't make me feel dirty. It's Koujaku, nothing he does could make me feel tainted.
He continues to hold me tightly as we breathe together. My heart is still beating fast when he pull back enough to look at me.
“Was that good?” he asks.
I can't help but smile at him.
“Fishing for compliments, Koujaku?” I laugh, “It was wonderful. That was... exactly what I wanted.”
He smiles at me, “I'm glad.”
I ease off his cock, carefully, and let him guide me to lay down on his chest. We're both hot and sweaty, but I don't want to stop touching him yet. I tilt my head up to look at him. Sweaty and disheveled is a good look for him.
“You're amazing, Aoba,” Koujaku says, “I admit, I'm kind of surprised you decided you were ready for this so abruptly. Not that it's bad, mind you,” he adds quickly.
I wanted to have him while I had the chance. I'm the part of Aoba that's so often pushed down to be ignored. I wonder... if he understood about the different parts I'm made of would he be able to love 'Desire' as much as he loves 'Aoba'?
“I decided I didn't want to hold back,” I say, running my fingers idly over the tattoo on his chest, “I don't have anything to be afraid of with you.”
The look he gives me is stunned, and kind of hard to read, so I continue, “It's hard to explain, but... every time the two of us make love, it feels like... a little bit more of it gets erased.” I don't have to explain what 'it' is. I can tell he understands by the way he hugs me tightly.
“Aoba...” he murmurs.
“I'm not saying that 'cause I want you to feel bad for me,” I say, “Not after you made me feel so good.”
“I'm glad. You deserve to feel good.”
"Tell me you love me."
Koujaku smiles and gives me a quick kiss, "I love you, Aoba."
"Even... even the parts of me that are still messed up?" I don't like how vulnerable it feels to ask, but I need to hear him say it.
"I love every single part of you, Aoba. Always."
I put my head down on his chest with a feeling of deep satisfaction, and not just from the sex. Every part of Aoba. Yes. I don't even need to explain about my different parts, he loves all of me.
I'm sorry for being selfish, Reason thinks, and I can feel the sincerity in it, You have as much right to love Koujaku as I do.
About time that he realized it. Still, I am aware that of the two of us, Reason is the one better suited to be in control and face the world from day to day. I just don't want to be ignored. And sometimes I want to be able to come out and fuck Koujaku until neither of us can think straight.
And I was almost thinking that you were being sweet.
“Oh, fuck off,” I mutter out loud, before slipping back into the deeper part of my mind.
“Huh?” Koujaku says.
I'm blinking, disoriented by the way Desire disappeared and gave me control again. I was expecting to have to fight him for it.
You can explain that to him, smart ass, Desire thinks.
“Oh, nothing,” I say, “I was just... talking to myself.”
Koujaku chuckles, “Well, there's no need to say such mean things to yourself.”
I laugh as well. God, I feel almost giddy. Even if Desire was in control, I still felt all of it, and it was wonderful. Koujaku is always so gentle and loving...
“We should probably get cleaned up,” I say. My sweat is beginning to dry and it makes my skin feel sticky. It's not bad right now, but if we wait twenty minutes it's going to feel really gross.
“You're right,” Koujaku says. He brushes my sweaty hair back and kisses my forehead, “Ah, Aoba?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind if I washed your hair?” he asks, almost shyly.
I guess he listened about asking for things he wants. I still get nervous about having my hair touched, but Koujaku is always so careful and gentle about it. He's never once hurt my when he touches my hair. So I smile at him and nod.
“I'd like that,” I say, and he beams at me.
When I try to push myself up to sit, all the muscles in my lower back start screaming in protest and I drop back on top of him. Holy shit, that hurts a lot. I'd thought that if any part of me was going to hurt, it would be my ass, but that's not bothering me at all.
“What's wrong?” Koujaku asks, looking worried.
“I'm sore,” I say, “I don't think that position agreed with my back.”
“I'm so sorry!” He looks horrified, and I cut him off quickly.
“Don't apologize, hippo, I'm the one who wanted to do it like that. It's not your fault. Besides, I enjoyed it.” I get up much more carefully this time, and my back twinges a bit, but it's not too bad. He still looks worried as I carefully stretch.
Yeah, I'm going to be sore for a while.
Worth it.
I have to agree.