Chapter Text
they fucked
it was awesome
“you’re looking rather tantalising…” namgyu groeled
“you’re looking rather ravishing yourself sweetytits….” thanos said
“i could ravish YOUR tits.”
”OOOOHHHYH RAVISH ME.”
m
they fucj
this is now known as the shitpost chapter where i come back and fill it with fun stuff. if you want stupid shit, come back to this chapter. every other hcatper will be noraml. next chapter 2 days
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“I’m the… I’m the man here, get that? I’m the one who does the…” Thanos paused, releasing his friend and making a small, awkward thrusting gesture into the air.
Namgyu stared for a moment, his expression circling rapidly through every emotion, then he frowned. “What? Why can’t I be the man!”
Thanos gaped, “Because it’s
gay!”
“You just tongued my throat!”
“You tongued my throat first!”
“Fuck you–”
“FUCK YOU!”
They stared at each other, the silence horrifically silent, then Thanos made a small gesture towards the bed. “You wanna, uh, you wanna… Sit down. Sit on the bed. Sit down."
“You just tried to murder me with your bare hands, and now you’re inviting me to
sit down
like we’re gonna hash this out over tea and cookies?”
Thanos threw up his hands, exasperated. “I don’t know what else to do, okay?! Do I hit you again? Do I… walk away? What’s the protocol for this? You didn’t exactly prepare me for ‘how to handle your horny homo faggot acquaintance who doesn’t respect personal boundaries.’”
Namgyu rubbed his jaw, his brow furrowed. “First of all, that’s a very specific category, and I feel targeted. Second—if you wanted to
talk
about it, you could’ve done that before you tried to rearrange my face.”
Thanos groaned, dragging a hand down his face. “Oh my god. I’m trying here, Namsu! I’m really trying to figure out how we go back to
not
whatever this is.”
“You mean the part where I kissed you? Or the part where you kissed me back?”
“I didn’t—” Thanos’s voice cracked again, and he slammed his fist into the bed. “I didn’t kiss you back, okay?! My body just… reacted. Like a reflex. You know, like when the doctor hits your knee with that little hammer thing!”
“So, you’re saying my kiss is the emotional equivalent of a reflex hammer? That’s… honestly kind of insulting.”
Thanos let out a strangled noise of frustration. “God, you’re so—
insufferable
! This is why no one likes you! You’re lucky I even tolerate you!”
Namgyu smirked, leaning forward slightly. “Tolerate me, huh? Is that what you were doing when you grabbed my shirt and
held on for dear life
?”
Thanos’s face burned, the memory of his hands clutching Namgyu’s shirt flashing in his mind like a damning piece of evidence. “I was trying to
stabilize myself!
You’re like— You threw me off balance!”
Namgyu snorted. “Yeah, I bet it’s
my fault
you moaned like that.”
Thanos practically choked on air, his eyes going wide. "I did not moan!"
“Oh, you
definitely
moaned.” Namgyu grinned, leaning back against the wall with an infuriating level of confidence for someone who’d just been punched in the face. “It was like this—‘OOOOAAAAAAAAH,’” he mimicked, dragging the sound out in the most obnoxious way possible.
Thanos lunged forward again, but this time Namgyu anticipated it, dodging and grabbing one of the pillows off the bed as a makeshift shield. “You absolute piece of—”
“Whoa, whoa, relax!” Namgyu said, holding the pillow in front of him like it was a riot shield. “Violence isn’t gonna fix this, dude. You gotta face your feelings like a man.”
“My
feelings
?” Thanos barked. “You think I have feelings? For you? Are you out of your goddamn mind?!”
Namgyu lowered the pillow slightly, giving Thanos a flat look. “Well, considering you’re two seconds away from either making out with me again or murdering me, I’d say yes, you’ve got
some
feelings to unpack here.”
Thanos froze, his breath catching in his throat. “I’m not—I don’t—” His hands flexed at his sides as if trying to grasp at words that refused to come. Finally, he turned away, muttering under his breath. “You’re so fucking annoying. Get on the damn bed so we can suck eachother off or whatever gays do.”
Namgyu made a face. “I’m not really in the mood anymore.”
Thanos stared. “Yeah, me neither.”
“Should we go pop some percocet and beat the shit out of people for watching Friends?”
"You know, we could. We really could. And whilst that sounds so, so appealing-- I would not mind simultaneously murdering you, whilst fucking you, whilst also beating the shit out of people for watching Friends."
"How would we even do that?"
Thanos frowned. "Well, I guess we'd have to coordinate. Maybe a three-way simultaneous assault? Like, you're on the left, I'm on the right, and we both target the same poor soul watching reruns of Ross and Rachel. You know, for maximum impact."
You're making this sound like a goddamn synchronized swimming routine. 'And now, for their final act, Thanos and Namgyu will execute the 'Friends Fantic Beatdown' in perfect unison!'"
"We'll need matching outfits, obviously. Maybe black leather? Or perhaps something more… Thanos? Sequins, perhaps?"
Namgyu scowled. "Absolutely not. If I'm going to commit a felony, I'm doing it in something that doesn't scream 'I have questionable taste in fashion and an even more questionable taste in men.'"
"Okay, straight for the jugular. But you're right, black leather it is. Functional and intimidating. Very you." He paused, a thoughtful look on his face. "But what about the percocet? Do we take them before or after the synchronized beatdown?"
"We could just.... Like," Namgyu made a chopping motion. "We could like, snort it. Can you snort percocet?"
"I've actually never tried."
"Have you even done percocet?"
"...Yeah, like, all the time."
They stared at eachother.
"You haven't done percocet have you?" Namgyu said.
Thanos looked at the ground. "No."
----------------------------
"It's a statement!" Thanos snarled, jutting a finger at him. "It's deep, it's so fucking deep, and you don't get it!"
Namgyu made a face. "It's weird."
“It’s poetic.”
“It’s concerning.”
“I made these for you and you can’t handle the vulnerability of it.”
“Ah, yes, nothing stirs the heart quite like a pan of vaguely burnt sugar bricks. Truly, I’m overwhelmed.”
“They’re artisanal, you uncouth ingrate,” Thanos shot back. “Handcrafted with the precision of a master baker.”
“You set off the fire alarm.”
“The smoke added flavour.”
“I see that I’m rubbing of on you. ‘Artisanal’, ‘Uncouth’,” Namgyu put on a face of mock disbelief. “Using big boy words now! Do you even know what those words mean?”
Thanos frowned, “Don’t patronize me.”
“You draw the line at me undermining your intelligence and not me beating you half to death and threatening to sell you to a brothel after my father killed your mother after fucking your mother?"
Thanos stared at him for a moment, then sighed. “Not infront of the brownies, I beg. And I totally dragged you into a nightmare realm, killed your father, turned your world view around and drove you into a manic episode which led to your life getting ruined and now you’ve run away with me to this stupid little cabin in the woods.”
“You’re wearing socks with holes in them.”
“They’re
ventilated
.”
“You’ve been wearing the same hoodie for three days.”
“It’s merch.”
“For what?”
“That one guy. That one guy that made the movie about that kid Tommy fucking his anti-christ dog–”
Namgyu's eyes widened. “You bought merchandise for that fucking movie? What is wrong with you?”
“Nononono you don’t understand it’s deep. It’s deep, that’s all you need to know–”
“The only thing deep about that movie was that kid inside the dog.”
“It’s
ironic,
” Thanos snapped, crossing her arms defensively. “I’m being edgy and self-aware. It’s called having a sense of humor, Namsu. You should try it sometime.”
“Yeah, nothing screams ‘functional adult’ like walking around advertising a movie banned in seven countries for its ‘inappropriate use of farm animals.’”
“It’s art, boy,” he said, straightening his posture. “You wouldn’t understand. You’re too busy being dumb and boring.”
"You’re defending a hoodie with a demon dog holding a butcher knife on it. Don’t lecture me about art.”
Thanos glanced down at the hoodie like he hadn’t fully considered what it looked like until this moment. “It’s… thematic.”
“It’s psychotic.”
“And you
dated
me, so what does that say about
you
?”
“Okay why are we bringing up my past now! We’re talking about the fact that you have merchandise for what’s literally universally hailed as the most fucked up animated movie, and you forced me to sit through it with you. The things I have seen, you would ramble about that stupid fucking movie when we were in the realms. When I was drunk and crying my eyes out, you played it for me after I’d just got out of that damn nightmare realm!”
Thanos folded his arms and gave him a smug grin. “And it got your mind off your existential crisis, didn’t it?”
Namgyu slammed his hand on the counter, sending a plate rattling. “It got my mind off it because I thought I was
hallucinating
! No sober person watches a movie where a twelve-year-old literally has sex with his dog– the dog who is the literal antichrist mind you– after murdering his parents because he was being manipulated by said dog!”
Thanos waved him off like he was batting away his opinions, “It’s deep. It’s deep and that’s all you need to know.”
Namgyu threw his hands up, “You keep saying that! It’s not deep, that kid was schizophrenic.
s. It’s not deep, Thanos. It’s
trauma porn
masquerading as symbolism.”
Thanos scowled. “How
dare
you? Trauma porn? That movie is a masterpiece of existential commentary.”
“It’s a
dumpster fire
of bad ideas! It’s what happens when a 3D animating pedophile has too much free time and absolutely no friends to tell them to stop.”
“It’s allegorical,” Thanos insisted, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “You just lack the intellectual capacity to appreciate its layers. It’s like… Dante’s
Inferno,
but with a modern twist.”
“It’s like Dante’s
Inferno
if Dante was high, hated dogs, and had a weird thing for underage pyromaniacs,” Namgyu shot back. “There’s a scene where like, oh my Gods… How do I even
describe
this? This fucking prostitute is jacking off a guy’s metal leg, like a literal rod, and he gouges her eye out because he gets like a PTSD response and he thinks she’s gonna steal his leg? Then he murders the hooker, then that hooker gets her memories stolen by the kid that fucked his dog? Thanos. Explain to me what deep meaning I’m missing there.”
Thanos narrowed his eyes.“The leg represents the fleeting nature of human mortality.”
“Oh, for the love of—”
“Don’t interrupt me! It’s about the fragile dance of life. The emoji people symbolize the inevitability of death, and the dog—”
“The dog symbolizes a
bad script,
” Namgyu interjected, crossing his arms. “The director literally admitted in an interview that he added this shit because it was funny. You made me sit through that freak’s fucking interviews. Even he doesn’t take the movie seriously, he admitted it started off as a ragebait meme in the 2000s!
“True art… transcends the intentions of its creator. Sometimes even the artist doesn’t fully grasp the profundity of what they’ve made.”
Namgyu gawked at h.im “Are you actually trying to pull the ‘death of the author’ card right now?”
“It’s not a card, Namsu,” he said, raising his chin. “It’s a philosophy. And that philosophy says I’m right, and you’re a soulless Philistine.”
“You’re so full of shit, I can smell it through the brownies,” he muttered, gesturing at the still-smoking pan on the counter.
Thanos ignored him, eyes distant now, as though he were gazing into some ethereal plane of tortured brilliance. “That movie challenges its audience, Namgsu. It forces you to confront the darkness of the human condition.”
“It forced me to confront the darkness of my gag reflex.”
“Good art isn’t supposed to make you comfortable!” Namgyu snapped, slamming his fists on the counter. “It’s supposed to provoke! To unsettle! To—”
“—make you reconsider all your life choices, including the one where you agreed to watch it with your deranged boyfriend,” Namgyu interrupted. “Check, check, and check.”
Thanos's voice rose a notch, fueled by righteous indignation. “You just don’t get it, do you? The dog is a metaphor for humanity’s inner beast, our primal instincts, our—”
“It’s literally a dog. A talking, demonic dog with the voice of a chain-smoking drunk uncle who makes porn in his garage,” Namgyu shot back. “That kid was schizophrenic, when he wasn’t busy committing the seven deadly sins in chronological order with his hellhound sidekick, he was huffing ‘memory juice’ and murdering hookers.”
“That’s because he’s a product of his environment,” Thanos argued. “The movie is a scathing critique of how societal neglect breeds monsters. The dog didn’t corrupt him—society did.”
“Society did not tell him to fuck the dog, Thanos!” Namgyu yelled, his voice cracking with the sheer exasperation of trying to reason with her. “That was a choice! A bad one!”
“Oh well lap at my ear and call my unborn sibling the antichrist! It’s deep. It’s deep, and that’s all you need to know. He’s the proletariat rising up against the oppress—”
“Nope!” Namgyu grabbed a brownie and shoved it into his mouth to avoid screaming. “ The only thing deep about that movie was that kid inside the dog. I’m done. I’m officially done. You win. Enjoy your anti-Christ hoodie and your dog-fucking symbolism or whatever. I’m going to go bury myself in the snow.”
“Coward,” Thanos called after him as he stomped towards the door. “You’re just scared to grapple with art that forces you to think.”
“Thinking isn’t the problem!” Namgyu shouted over his shoulder. “The problem is that I now have permanent psychic damage and I didn’t even get a t-shirt out of it!”
next chapitber 2 days