Chapter Text
Frank didn’t know when his reflection staring back at him morphed. Has he always looked like this? Has his hair always sat that way? Were his eyes really that hallow? Did his skin always look so grey?
Before he fell into a pit of self loathing, he jerked away from the mirror, yanking his hands from the cold, porcelain sink, stumbling back. The last thing Frank needed was to develop some kind of body dysmorphia, he had enough to deal with. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he checked the time on his phone. Thirty minutes before he had to leave for work, he needed to find something to occupy his mind and his time.
In rehab, he would read or stare blankly at whatever show was on in the common room, it was usually home improvement shows. He would need more than a little paint and some shiplap to put him back together.
He wasn’t depressed, he refused to admit to that. Rehab was finally over, he should be happy he was clean, he was on the road to fixing his life. He didn’t lose his job, he shouldn’t be so upset, he shouldn’t feel this way, he didn’t deserve to be depressed.
Except Abby left him, he didn’t see his kids as much anymore, he fucked up all of his work relationships, and he couldn’t possibly call his parents or his sister, he was too shameful to call them and tell them what was going on. And that’s if Abby hadn’t already informed them. They would have blown his phone up if she had, he was glad she didn’t say anything to them
It was for the best, she deserved someone better than him, someone who didn’t have an addiction, someone that knew how to be a good person. Frank felt like a shell of a person, and he knew he wasn’t a good person.
Maybe I’ll walk to work, he thought to himself. It was a beautiful October day, the trees that trailed down the brick-lined sidewalk outside of his apartment were hues of red and orange, the breeze that swept through his hair and against his skin was light and crisp.
His therapist would encourage him to walk, she would say he needed to be outside more and that it was a positive change to his day. It would give him time to listen to music or catch up on his favorite podcast, he hesitated for a moment.
As his feet hit the concrete, he had to remind himself that this was good, things had to be different this time, maybe walking to work would be his new normal. It would give him exercise besides the rushing around he did at the hospital.
He was scared to face all of the people he used to work with. Robby was beyond disappointed in him, Collins would harshly judge him—he was sure. He thought Dr. McKay or Mohan would be neutral, McKay might even try to reach out and be a mentor for him, but he was there to work and go home.
Mel was the one he was most worried about; she really made an impression on him and he knew he did the same for her. She looked up to him, even after a day he could see she looked to him for guidance and friendship. They only worked together for a week before he had to go, but he found his thoughts drifting to her once in a while. He didn’t think he could face her, she was probably so disappointed in him, and she was right to be. What kind of mentor was he?
Garcia was his friend, but she was Abby’s friend first, there was no way she wouldn’t be totally hostile towards him. Even thinking about dealing with Garcia made him shiver. Santos was another story; one he wished to not deal with right now—much less ever.
The familiar smell of the hospital hit Frank when he pushed open the door. It was almost comforting walking through the familiar halls, past the fountain, he was back into his routine, and he needed this, he needed to distract himself. Work would be the easiest distraction, he’d focus on one patient and then the next, losing himself in his cases. Now that Abby wasn’t in the picture, he could work as many days in a row as he wanted, he’d work holidays and his birthday now because there was no reason he couldn’t. Unless he had his kids, he would try and be here.
He got to the ER entrance and his hands started to tremble just slightly. Frank clenched his fists so tight, his knuckles turned white. He would have to get the trembling under control, a day in the ER would leave his hands dry and cracked, they would start bleeding if he didn’t stop tensing them so hard.
When he walked to the lockers, nobody paid him any mind. Frank hastily got himself together, getting his scrubs on and glancing at himself in the mirror again.
Thin arms. Gaunt face. Lifeless eyes.
He pulled away from the mirror again, he didn’t like the person that was staring back at him. He needed to get in control of his feelings, and he needed to do it fast. He couldn’t let anyone know he was having a bad time, he couldn’t let anyone inside and see what he was really feeling.
Masking was something Frank was always good at, his mom used to tell him that all of the time, and his sister would agree. That’s what he’d do here, paint the picture he wanted everyone to see. He didn’t want anyone too close anymore, he didn’t want anyone to know him.
Frank caught Dana’s eye when he stepped out of the bathroom. “Oh my god, I knew you’d be here, but I didn’t think it’d be so good to see you, kid,” she threw her arms around him, squeezing him tight. “You need to eat,” she pulled away, rubbing her hands up his arms.
“It’s good to see you too, Dana,” he ignored her last statement. He hated eating now; he hated everything besides sleeping.
“I’m so glad you’re back, Robby’ll probably wanna talk to you,” Dana explained.
“Probably,” he confirmed, glancing around. Everything looked the same, same board overfilled, same counters overcrowded, same nurses running around. Frank was the only thing that had changed.
“You’re back!” McKay said behind him and Dana. “It’s good to see you,” she gave him a warm smile, crossing her arms over her chest.
“It’s good to see you too. It’s good to be back,” he replied, sounding robotic.
His eyes held McKay’s for a moment, as if she were trying to communicate something, but he didn’t know what, they were never that close. He knew she had suffered from addiction years ago, he knew she’d be a good person to talk to. Frank was scared his addiction was about to be his only personality trait, like that was all anyone would identify him with.
His thoughts made him shiver. He had nobody to blame but himself, he was an addict by his own hand and his own choices, he’d have to learn to reap what he sowed. “You,” Robbie pointed at him. “Follow me.”
Frank didn’t look anywhere, but at the ground ahead of him, following Robby into an empty office. When the door clicked, he felt his mouth go dry, he wasn’t really prepared for whatever Robby was going to say.
“It’s great to have you back, Frank,” were the first words Robby said to him.
Frank ripped his gaze from the trash can to Robby’s face. Robby wasn’t lying, his tone was genuine and the smile on his face was real. “I assume HR has already spoken to you about everything? The random tests? You can’t prescribe certain medications? Can’t dispense anything alone.”
“Yeah, yeah. We went over all of it, I know my limits,” Frank brushed Robby off. “I’ve got it.”
Robby was quiet for a moment, taking in the sight before him. Frank looked like he hadn’t slept in days, he was much thinner, and his jaw seemed like it was permanently tensed. “How are you doing, Frank?”
“Great, never better,” Frank sarcastically replied. Robby knew about the divorce before he was busted for the drugs, he knew what Frank was dealing with, why was he asking such stupid questions? Was he trying to be a friend now? Because they sure as hell aren’t friends. Robby even said it himself.
“I’m serious, Frank.”
“So am I. Am I allowed to go do my job now?” Frank crossed his arms over his chest. He knew Robby was right, he knew Santos was right, but he was always known to hold a grudge.
“I’m here for you, Frank.”
Frank could see the worry on Robby’s face and rationally, he knew he would need a support system. He wished he put time aside to make friends outside of the ER, he needed more than the people inside of these walls. However, Frank didn’t say anything in response to Robby, just staring blankly until he could go back to the floor. Robby wasn’t budging either.
“Thanks,” Frank dully uttered before turning to leave.
He walked out of the office and scrubbed his hands over his face with a frustrated sigh. Frank doesn’t need anyone, he doesn’t want friends here, he just wants to do his job and go home. Frank turned to the ceiling, pressing his palms into his eyes, he liked the pressure.
“Oh my god, Dr. Langdon!” He heard Mel say before he saw her, she sounded so enthusiastic, so excited to see him.
He turned, pulling his hands away from his eyes. She was smiling, that wide smile that just radiated through a room, and her hair was in bun on the crown of her head. He was nervous, he didn’t know what she knew, and he didn’t know what she’d say. “Hey, Mel. It’s good to see you.”
“I’m so glad you’re back!” She approached him, still grinning, still smiling. Still good.
“Oh yeah?” He asked, genuinely thrilled that she didn’t seem to think any differently about him.
“Of course. How are you? How are you feeling?” She bombarded him with questions.
It scared Frank how easily they understood each other, even after a week. It was like his world shifted, something with them just clicked—not in the same usual ease of a familiar connection either, it was new and strange. A few months ago, he didn’t know how to explain it, and now he was too scared to even think about it.
“I’m okay. I’m overwhelmed, if I’m being honest.”
Why the fuck am I telling her that?
Arm’s length Frank, arm’s length.
“I can understand that.” Frank watched her lace her fingers together, twisting her wrist. He wondered why she was nervous.
“I’m here for you if you want to talk. I know you have Robby or Garcia, and you only knew me for a few days, but still. I’m here. If you need to talk. Or want to.”
He was actually kind of thankful for this one, she was right, they didn’t know each other for long, but it was that tug, that magnetic force. They understand each other, and it kind of freaked him out.
Bird’s-eye view, Frank.
“Thanks, Mel. I appreciate it,” he generically replied.
“Hey, Mel I need—” he heard Santos before he saw her. Frank was instantly uncomfortable; he was torn with his feelings towards Santos and his anger towards her still. “You’re back,” Santos’s tone of surprise pissed him off, did she want him gone forever? Fired?
“Of course, I am. See you around, Mel,” Frank pushed past them, he had lives to save and he couldn’t stand to look at Santos.