Archive of Our Own

We can never go home, we no longer have one […]
We walk through the ash and the charred remains of our country […]
If I say shut your eyes, if I say look away, Bury your face in my shoulder.

          No other sound but the wind - Editors

When Lan Zhan comes out of his seclusion, Lan Xichen is waiting for him, a boy perched on his hips. My boy, Lan Zhan thinks and staggers forward, still unsure on his legs. Lan Zhan smiles, the boy stares at him with big eyes before leaning over and extending his arms towards him.
"Baba.", he says and it twists Lan Wangji’s heart painfully. It’s been a year since he last saw the boy, 3 since they came back together, Lan Zhan delirious with pain from loosing Wei Ying, and A’Yuan feverish, almost burning through. Then being bedridden for 2 years, the most he could do for A’Yuan was telling stories and take naps with the boy. A’Yuan who is 6 years old now, with glowing healthy skin and sparkling eyes. He’s wearing white Lan robes and his hair is secured with some of Lan Xichen’s childhood pins. He would recognize them everywhere, having pulled them out of his brother’s hair during so many evenings during his youth.
He reaches them and grasps for A’Yuan, lifts him into his arms and presses him close, takes in his already fading baby scent. He smells like Lan Xichen, and Lan Wangji wants to weep out of gratitude for his brother because he is the kindest man on earth and took on A’Yuan without questioning, fed him, bathed him, played with him, taught him the Gusu Lan rules, sang him to sleep with the same songs he had once sung for Lan Wangji.
In this moment, Lan Xichen is more A’Yuan’s father than Lan Wangji.
It seems like he is the only one who doesn’t really knew his own son.
Wei Ying would be disappointed, he thinks and the wave of emotion that rolls over him almost knocks the breath out of him, so he presses a kiss to A’Yuan’s temple and the boy keens.

The 3 years have changed him, more than he dares to acknowledge. 
He has aged, scarred, has lost face before his Clan and the rest of the world, has screamed and pleaded and probably brought quite a deal of suffering to his brother.
But those things are dark, shaded memories, dull in comparison to his son breathing under his fingertips, smiling and laughing, clinging to him with that freshness of life pumping through him, his core recently developed, power pushing through his veins, steadily, and Lan Wangji there to guide him, hold him, kiss and coddle.
But Wei Ying’s loss is still as acute a pain as the day it happened, leaving him short of breath, unable to move, to get up, to do anything at all some days.

Above it all, Lan Zhan is tired, tired of the rules, of the elders who have punished him for his loyalty, for his love. He is tired of Grand Master Qiren’s incessant orders, trying to pave his way back into the cultivator world, cultivators which have killed Wei Ying, which have robbed A’Yuan of his parents, of his family, of his clan.
Lan Zhan is tried of being perfect, and stoic, a war hero.
All he wants is some peace and quiet, a room to raise his son in, Wei Ying’s son, Wei Ying’s legacy, a small garden to plant herbs and flowers, a patio for him and his brother to play music together, when the sun sets behind the mountains.

Lan Zhan pampers A’Yuan, gifts him more time and attention than other children his age are getting. 
Lan Wangji doesn’t care.
A’Yuan chatters next to him as they walk to the rabbit field, picking up flowers and little pieces of wood, handing them to Lan Zhan to hold when his own small hands cannot hold onto the load anymore. Lan Zhan indulges A’Yuan in everything. If the boy wants to ride on his shoulders, he will do so, no matter how uncanny the rest of the world thinks it is. A’Yuan had gone through so much hardship, he shouldn’t be unhappy because some rules say that carrying a child as a man is improper. A’Yuan always laughs when he’s with him, pulls his hair and begs for candy and even his silliest of antics bring a smile to Lan Zhan’s face. In some lights, he looks just like Wei Ying.
At dinner A’Yuan crawls all over him, making the younger disciples chuckle and try to hide their laughter behind their sleeves, still earning them sharp looks from the Grand Master. 
Guests stare at him with unhidden wonder and confusion before starting a conversation with Lan Xichen, trying to ignore the very unruly child that appeared out of nowhere and was favored by the mighty Hanguang-Jun.

.....

The first heartbreak Lan Zhan suffers because of A’Yuan is when, after finishing reading a story to the boy, Wangji speaks of Wei Ying and about how he used to read that same story to A’Yuan and the kid just looks at him, confusion written all over his face.
He doesn’t remember, Lan Zhan realizes with a shock. 
That night, he pulls A’Yuan onto his bed and the boy, even though he is too old for it, sleeps on Lan Zhan’s chest like he used to do with Wei Ying. Lan Zhan lets himself dwell on memories of the boy, not even bothering to wipe his tears in the end.

Later Lan Zhan muses that it’s good that A’yuan forgot everything. If he forgot the man who raised him for 2 years, then that means that he doesn’t remember all the other hardships, being deported, undernourished, constantly hungry or cold or sad and Lan Zhan should be grateful that the young boy’s mind chose to forget everything horrible that happened to him
But then he remembers A’Yuan running after Wei Wuxian everywhere he went, sleeping in the same bed with them when Lan Zhan visited, tucked into Wei Wuxian’s side. A’Yuan’s "Mama!" that he used to shout whenever Wei Ying came back from the city still rings in his ears and the knowledge that his boy will also not remember the warmth of Wei Ying’s hand on his face, his smile, his kisses and songs, breaks something in Lan Zhan.
So Lan Zhan is careful not the mention Wei Wuxian in A’Yuan’s presence again but he doesn’t interfere when Lan Xichen tells his nephew stories of their youth when his 'baba' and the Yiling Patriarch were inseparable, always running off together from one adventure to the next. 
He wants A’Yuan to know the good the Yiling Patriarch did, that he wasn’t just a power-crazed madman like everyone else says he was. He doesn’t want the name of Wei Wuxian to leave a bad aftertaste in the boy’s mouth.

.....

The next heartbreak comes when, after months of being back in the real world, Lan Zhan becomes restless and sets out to find Wei Wuxian or what is left of him. He will not accept the death of his love without a dust of proof.
The first time he leaves, A’Yuan stands with Lan Xichen, his eyes big and his brows furrowed. His stance is impeccable for a 6-year-old, the clothes clean and pristine with not a speck of dirt on them.
"Why are you leaving Baba?", he asks, his voice wavering slightly.
"Baba has to look for something.", Lan Zhan says with the warmest voice he can muster.
"A’Yuan wants to come too.", he says.
His face falters when Lan Zhan shakes his head.
"Stay with Bobo and be good okay? I will be back before you know it."
But A’Yuan is having none of it, instead he rips his hand out of Lan Xichen’s grasp and runs to Lan Zhan, squatting down on his foot, arms wrapped around his leg, staring up at him with angry tears streaming down his face.
"Baba don’t go!", he shouts over and over and it takes Lan Xichen’s gentle prodding and the help of 2 younger disciples to get A’Yuan off his leg. The boy is screaming and crying and convulsing his body as he tries to escape their grips before he is locked into a tight embrace by Lan Xichen who presses him close to his chest, not even blinking an eye when A’Yuan starts to kick and hit him, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Baba!!"
Lan Xichen trows him a sad smile and Lan Zhan knows he has to leave now or else he will stay and never leave again.
It takes him an unimaginable amount of effort to turn around and walk away and he realizes that for the first time in forever there’s someone pulling him back to Gusu, a reason to stay alive, to come home.
Home, he thinks. 
He created a home for himself and his son and his heart swells with fondness and pride as he passes the entry to Cloud Recesses where 6 years ago, Wei Wuxian and him first crossed paths on that faithful day.

.....

At Wen Yuan’s third birthday spent at Cloud Recesses, Lan Wangji steps in front of the elders he injured years ago, the ones who almost killed him with their punishment, and under his uncle’s burning gaze, demands for A’Yuan to be accepted as his, to become a Lan in the eyes of the world.
They grumble and complain and they would probably shout if it weren’t prohibited, but in the end they accept. Better that than having a Wen under their care and with that a target painted on their backs.
Wangji wants to scream at their hypocrisy, wants to rip his bloody shackles off and burn down Cloud Recesses which has never ever gifted him anything, only taken and taken until there was nothing left of Lan Zhan, only an empty shell his uncle could fill with rules and proper behavior.
But Wen Yuan he will keep, and no one will be able to stop him. 
The boy is the only thing left of Wei Ying and he would be damned if he let this one die too.

That evening, after A’Yuan comes back, tiny hand holding onto Lan Xichen’s after a day of petting rabbits, going to the market and buying sweets and picking unripe fruits, Lan Zhan places him on his lap as they eat dinner, the 3 of them. 
"A’Yuan…", he starts and waits until the boy’s chatter ebbs out. "A’Yuan, remember when we said that your last name was a secret?"
"Wen?", he asks. 
I need to start teaching him manners, he is already 7, Lan Zhan muses.
"Yes. And you know that no child can be without a name."
"Hmm."
"How about you take Baba’s name?"
"Baba’s?", the boy turns around on Lan Zhan’s lap, one knee pressed uncomfortably into Lan Zhan’s side.
Lan Wangji just nods.
"I will have the same name as Baba?"
Lan Wangji nods. A’Yuan turns to Lan Xichen.
"And Bobo?"
"That’s right little one.", Lan Xichen beams and the kid quickly turns around again, facing Wangji, nodding quickly.
"Then it is decided." Lan Zhan has to admit that he is relieved. This could have gone a lot less smooth.
Wen Yuan points to himself, eyes gleaming, and asks. "Lan Yuan?" And Lan Wangji can’t help himself but lean forward and kiss the boy’s temple, wrapping him up in a hug.
"Yes, Lan Yuan. Now I am your father and no one can tell you otherwise, no one can take you away anymore. I will keep you safe."
He feels A’Yuan fiddle with Lan Zhan’s clothes, keeping himself still. Lan Xichen smiles at them, takes a sip of Lan Yuan’s favorite tea.
After some time A’Yuan grows agitated.
"Let’s eat Baba.", he whines and Lan Zhan lets him go and watches as A’Yuan slides off his lap and sits down next to him, back straight and legs crossed in the perfect angle.
"I won’t disappoint you Baba.", he says and grins before slurping his soup.
"No noise while eating.", Wangji answers instead of 'You could never disappoint me.'

.....

The following week Lan Yuan joins the classes. He’s not at least bothered by the fact that everyone around him is 3 years younger than him and gracefully ignores the dark looks his teachers send him.
On the first day Lan Zhan definitely doesn’t anxiously glower behind some bushes, every muscle in him screaming to walk into the classroom, pick A’Yuan up and hide him in the Jinshi forever.
He watches Lan Yuan’s attention lands on a small boy who is constantly shifting around, spilling ink over the desk and himself, and make his way over to him, helping him clean up before the next class starts. The boy beams up at A’Yuan as if he hung the stars and Lan Yuan grins back. The kid ushers the boy in the seat next to him away and pulls A’Yuan to sit there, already babbling together strings of loose words. A’Yuan’s smile reaches both corners of his ears and it’s only then that Lan Zhan leaves his hiding spot, ignoring the surprised gasp of two Gusu Lan women who almost drop their baskets of freshly washed clothes and stare after him wonderingly.
He definitely ignores his brother’s knowing smirk as he arrives at the meeting and Grand Master Qiren points out that he has pieces of grass and leaves in his hair and on his clothes.

When classes are over Lan Wangji hurries to the sparring grounds and finds Lan Yuan sitting on the stairs with the boy from before.
"A’Yuan.", he says and his son jumps up, pulling the other boy along to where Lan Zhan is standing.
"Baba, this is Lan Jingyi. He’s my friend." The boy sputters something, a blush creeping onto his face as he is scrutinized by Hanguang-Jun himself. "And we did so many things today. Did you know that whistling is forbidden in Cloud Recesses, and that we don’t eat meat to stay clean, and that meditation is the most important skill for a Lan disciple to master? Did you, did you, did you?!"
Lan Wangji just stares at A’Yuan.
"Well did you?", the boy asks again, his eyebrows cocked like Wei Ying would always do when he knew he was asking pointless questions. Lan Zhan swallows hard and nods quickly, before turning around.
"Let’s go home.", he says.
"Baba, can Lan Jingyi come too?"
Lan Wangji stops and turns around, looks at the boy’s intertwined hands.
"I’m sure A’Yi needs to go home. His parents will be worried."
A’Yuan just shakes his head.
"No, Baba, Jingyi’s mother works from in the afternoon to late in the night and usually he eats with the elders and then stays all alone. But now he has me and he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. Can he stay with us Baba? Please."
Wangji exhales audibly and looks at the small boy. He is gripping A’Yuan’s hand with all his might, terrified eyes looking up at him, with his ink-stained face and dirty clothes he looks more than miserable and Wangji doesn’t find anything in him that could have the force to send the boy to an empty home.
"Mn.", he says and turns around and starts walking.
A’Yuan squeals in delight and Lan Zhan hears hurried footsteps scurry after him.
"Is Hanguang-Jun really your father?", he hears the boy say behind him, his voice a lot less a whisper than A’Yi might think.
"Yes.", A’Yuan answers, all proud and happy.
"Wooow."
"Isn’t he scary?"
"Baba is never scary. Just wait ’til he plays with us, then you will see."
"Play?"
"He will have to do whatever we want."
"Really?", the boy sounds already a lot less frightened and Lan Zhan has the creeping feeling that this might have been a mistake.

Later, when they finished eating and Wangji indulged them in a game of fake sword fight and it is time to sleep, he realizes that indeed it was a bad idea. The 2 barely close their eyes for 2 seconds before opening them and start to whisper again, laughing high and delighted at whatever the other says and no matter how often Wangji tells them to sleep, they just —  don’t.
He swears himself no more sleepovers for both of them until they can both meditate.
Only when Lan Xichen comes around, Wangji thinks that enough is enough. He sits down in front of Bichen and starts playing a soft song. And if he ads some Qi into the music to knock the kids out, then so be it.
Lan Xichen smiles at him and peers down into the makeshift bed Lan Wangji built so that the 2 kids could sleep together and not on Wangji’s bed.
"Who’s he?", his brother asks.
"Lan JingYi. Apparently he is always alone at night so A’Yuan invited him to sleep over. Never again."
Lan Xichen laughs quietly.
"It seems like you handled just fine."
"How can a Lan speak so much?", Lan Zhan breathes out exasperated.
"He is a special boy.", Lan Xichen agrees.
"One way to put it."
"Do not be harsh to judge Wangji, you do not know his past."
Lan Wangji sighs and starts to prepare some tea. Because of course Lan Xichen is right, he always is. But he doesn’t want to be reminded of his shortcomings, so he remains silent.

A’Yi becomes another focal point of his life, Lan Wangji never having a break when he has to take care of him. The kid is always running around, climbing creaky trees and wobbling walls, never sitting still except if it’s for food, never quiet, never not a bother, and Wangji learns to dread the nights when the kid stays over, because of course Wangji can never say no to A’Yuan. 
It’s only thanks to Lan Xichen’s intervention that the kid doesn’t live with them yet.

.....

A’Yuan is too old to sleep with him anymore, Lan Wangji knows that. But he can’t bring himself to move the boy to the disciples’ area. Not for the lack of trying on his uncle’s side. He pesters Wangji every day, and every day Wangji shuts him down with a decisive "No.". Even Lan Xichen tries his luck and if he weren’t his big brother who helped so him so much with A’Yuan, Lan Wangji would shut the door in his face after his third try.
He knows the boy is old enough to sleep on his own, but his own heart breaks at the thought of it. With A’Yuan around, the empty Jinshi is more bearable and Wangji was scared of what would happen if again, he were to be alone in this room that so obviously was made for two.
He had grown used to having A’Yuan around him, tucked into his side at night, had basked in the warmth of their mornings spent together.
It’s only when A’Yuan himself comes around, all serious and honest, and asks for Wangji to let him move, that he agrees.

"Did they tell you to ask that?", he whispers into the quiet room.
"Yes.", A’Yuan starts to fidget but he catches himself quickly, hand folded in his lap. "But that’s not why I asked."
"Why then? Why would you want to leave?",’leave me.’, he thinks.
"Father, Baba, you have always taken care of me and I don’t want to be a burden for too long."
Wangji curses the teachers who taught his baby words like 'burden' and 'father' and 'proper'.
"You would never be a burden A’Yuan."
"And I know that. But don’t you think it’s time for me to take on the world on my own? No one at my age still lives with their parents.", he says.
"You can take your time. Some take longer than others to be ready-"
"But I am.", A’Yuan interrupts. "Ready, I mean. Father, I’m ready."
But I’m not, Wangji thinks.
"One more week.", he begs and Lan Yuan nods, as if he were the parent and Lan Zhan the child. 
That’s what he feels like. How can nobody see how attached Wangji is? How can nobody see that it breaks his heart just to be apart from the boy for half a day? That he can’t imagine a night without him in his arms, not a day where he wouldn’t want to spend time with him?

"Having children is a heartbreak.", NuMi tells him one evening, as he mopes around the kitchen, trying to put together a dinner for his son. She ushers him away and takes over and instead pushes him to open up.
"There will come a day when they are grown up and that day always comes too fast."
She smiles at him.
"Your son is not moving to the opposite side of China, just the opposite side of Cloud Recesses. He’s not really gone, you can see him whenever you want to."
"But he’s not really with me either."
"Hm."
"It’s just too soon, he’s only 9, I barely got to do anything with him."
"There is never enough time. But this is not about you. This is about him and about how he wants to live his life."
"Then why go through it, if having children only brings pain?"
She smiles at him as if he had said something silly.
"Because the love they bring into our lives is greater than any pain could ever hurt us."

A few days later A’Yuan moves into a room with Jingyi and 2 other boys, his smile bright and his eyes shining.
"I will visit you.", he whispers into Lan Zhan’s embrace. "I will visit you as often as I can."
And Wangji suddenly feels very old and very abandoned.

.....

Lan Yuan grows up to a fine pupil, the best of his class, and Lan Wangji doesn’t pretend not to preen when yet another mentor tells him how A’Yuan is indeed his child. They spend the free days together, going on walks in the mountain, feeding the rabbits, swimming in the springs. Then they buy sweets and dried fruits in the city and eat until their bellies hurt before meeting Lan Xichen for dinner.
But A’Yuan never stays over and Lan Wangji frets the silence more than anything. His brother seems to pick up on that because one evening he shows up in front of his room, blankets in one hand, and, without another word, builds a makeshift bed on the floor on the other side of the room.
They don’t speak of it but Wangji realizes how much his brother loves him, sees it in how he’s willing to sacrifice his room and his sleep just so that Wangji wouldn’t be lonely and Lan Zhan’s heart sings with gratefulness. He truly doesn’t deserve Xichen, for all the pain and worry he caused his older brother, he has never stood against him, backed him up every time he had to justify himself in front of Grand Master Qiren, had followed Lan Zhan into every fight even to his own demise. Maybe that’s why Lan Zhan grew up so quickly, maybe he just wanted to stop seeing Lan Xichen hurt because of him.
But Xichen’s love for him is unwavering and endless and Lan Zhan prays for his brother’s life more than for his own at night.

Lan Yuan becomes Lan Sizhui, grows into a stoic teenager, too beautiful for his own good, all kind and smiles and it keeps surprising Lan Zhan how similar they look to each other, even though they do not share a single drop of blood.

He hates sending his son on night hunts, he hates it and every time he has to watch him go, leading the small group of disciples, he wishes he could stop time and live endlessly with his kid in the Jinshi, the same day repeating over and over and it would be sweet heaven.
He follows the group, because they still need supervision, Lan Sizhui sometimes throwing knowing glances to the spots he is hiding in as they make their way to Mo Manor.
There’s something in the air, a thrumming that makes his muscles tense in anticipation of something to come.

.....

Wei Ying under his fingertips, Wei Ying alive and breathing, Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying.
He is wearing another face, his frame smaller, his core weaker, but Lan Wangji would recognize him in a heartbeat, in the way he speaks, holds himself, at the hand-carved flute in his hand, at the song, their song, permeating the air.
You are back, he thinks, and trembles with the realization.
You are back and you are mine and I am never letting you go again.

.....

"I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were alive.", Master Wei whispers, hand on Sizhui’s cheek, so careful, eyes glowing with a tenderness he usually only grants Hanguang-Jun.
"It must have been so hard for you, you must have gone through so much pain and so many hardships."

Lan Sizhui glances up at Wei Ying, tears prickling in his eyes before spilling, looking over the man’s shoulder where his father stood, always proud, and maybe finally at peace.
He remembers the many nights he spent tucked into Hanguang-Jun’s side as his uncle told him stories each more grandiose than the one before, about children saving the country, about friendships formed on roads and the feeling of loss of being apart from your loved one. His father would talk too sometimes and would animate the characters so perfectly as if he had been there to personally witness it.

Of course Sizhui would grow to learn that he indeed had witnessed it, but by then he is too old to get told stories in the darkness of the night.

He remembers crawling over Lan Wangji to wake him up when his injuries had healed up, he remembers the first time Lan Wangji had been able to lift him, after spending 2 long years at his bed side, how he had squealed in delight, how later on, Lan Wangji would always pick him up whenever he could, even if people around him told him that A’Yuan was getting too big.
He remembered the dinners with him and his uncle, the table games they played and how Wangji had indulged him in playing the qujin very badly.
He remembers all the festivals Zewu-Jun and Hanguang-Jun had taken him to, building paper lanterns which they would let fly in the darkest time of the night, he remembers the sweets his uncle would smuggle in for him, he remembers his father indulging Lan Jingyi’s antics just because Sizhui wanted to be his friend.
Lan Wangji, who had always been by his side, always there to protect him from whatever he needed saving from.
He thinks about all of this and thanks the gods for having led Lan Zhan’s feet to him, because he wouldn’t wish for another life.

He looks at Master Wei, the man he had strangely felt attached to, already when they first met at Mo Manor, wanting to protect him but also curl him into a ball in his lap, remembers all the distorted memories that are more feelings than pictures, but he remembers longing for him and being whole when he met master Wei.
He had missed him his entire life

"No it wasn’t hard at all.", he chokes out, emotions closing up his throat. "I lived a good life, do not worry."
He falls around Wei Wuxian's neck, clings to him like he used to, so many years, so many memories ago, sobs into his neck while Wei Ying's arms settle around him.

Lan Wangji watches them, heart full.