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“If you’ll follow me, this next room features our lovely Iris exhibit. Notice how-” the tour guide’s voice droned on in a faux-cheery well-recited manner. Gideon yawned, rolling her eyes subtly to the watch on her wrist to see how much longer she needed to withstand this torture.
“Griddle,” Harrow warned, elbowing her in the ribs. “Be polite.”
“This sucks,” Gideon countered, sulking. “I agreed to go to the botanical garden in exchange for lunch. A tour was not part of the deal!”
“Your poor negotiation skills are not my problem,” Harrow sniffed, leaning down to read the tag beneath a brilliant blood-red Iris. “We should grow these.”
“Iris germanica… ‘Red Rider’?” Gideon smirked. “Baby, you can ride-”
Gideon swallowed a yelp as Harrow’s heel ground into her big toe.
“You never let me have any fun!” Gideon huffed. “This one’s called ‘Glacier Bush’ - just like you. Ow!”
A swift kick to the shin left Gideon hopping on one leg.
“It’s ‘Glacier Blush’, you illiterate worm,” Harrow hissed, her cheeks pinkening. “You’re going to get us in trouble.”
“Let me have a little fun, damn you,” Gideon grumbled. “At least the Iris room is small. When do we get to see the butterflies?”
“Toward the end,” Harrow said, glancing down at the pamphlet they were given at the beginning of the tour. She poked the lower room on the map, dragging her finger to a cartoonish purple flower next to an exit sign. “We’re here. We’re going to this room, then this room.”
“And then lunch?” Gideon asked, pouting out her lower lip. “You owe me a burger.”
“I owe you a roundhouse kick to the throat,” Harrow deadpanned. “Will you shut up?”
“Make me,” Gideon said, earning another pointy elbow to the ribs. “It’s hot as balls in here.”
“It’s the tropical room, you idiot,” Harrow sighed. “Heat and humidity are essential.”
“I feel like a baked potato still in the wrapper,” Gideon groaned. “How can you stand it? You’re dressed like you’re late for a funeral.”
“Ambiance, ” Harrow shrugged, gesturing to a row of plants along the path’s border. “There. Go stand with your brethren. ‘Myoporum sandwicense.’”
Gideon squinted down at the name tag.
“Bastard sandalwood?”
“Precisely.”
Gideon crossed her arms, wishing she knew more about plants so that she could fire a witty comeback. Unfortunately, the only good plant-pun she could think of was I’ll give you some wood and she wisely kept that to herself.
“Are you truly having a miserable time, Griddle?” Harrow asked. Gideon stared at her for a moment, trying to judge whether Harrow was genuinely concerned or was setting her up for another verbal smack-down.
“I’m…” Gideon trailed off, squinting off in the distance. “Harrow, that flower has a dick.”
“What?” Harrow blinked.
“Ah, the Orchis italica or ‘Naked-Man Orchid,’” the tour guide piped up. “A very popular flower due to its unique appearance. Also known as the Italian Orchid, it is believed that the consumption of the plant is conducive to virility and-”
“Dude,” Gideon snorted. “He’s got a little wiener and a hat. This place is great.”
“You’re hopeless,” Harrow sighed, but she couldn’t hide her amusement as the tour guide prattled on about orchids. “I, for one, am looking forward to the room on carnivorous plants and poisons.”
“Of course you would, you ghoul,” Gideon chuckled. “Planning to try and kill me in my sleep again?”
“In your dreams,” Harrow said cryptically. “Wait, what did she just say?”
“Huh? I wasn’t paying attention,” Gideon shrugged. “I guess there’s another room that isn’t usually on the tour?”
“-in for quite a treat!” the tour guide said cheerfully, clapping her hands. “Our corpse flower has just begun to bloom! There’s a line stretching out the door already, but we have the unique opportunity to view the flower in all its odorous beauty from our viewing platform on the mezzanine. If you would like to get up-close and personal with the corpse flower, tickets are available for purchase at the front desk after the tour.”
“Oh shit,” Harrow said, her eyebrows arched in surprise. “I had no idea.”
“Corpse flower sounds about right for you,” Gideon smirked. “Does it grow on dead bodies or something?”
“No, you sack of sad eyes. It smells like a dead body,” Harrow said matter-of-factly. “And it is exceedingly rare to see one in person. They only bloom for a day or two every decade.”
“Huh,” Gideon said curiously. “Okay. You win. I’m interested.”
“Right this way,” the tour guide said. “You are in for such a treat!”
“You think she moonlights as a serial killer?” Gideon joked, holding her breath as they entered the mezzanine.
“Oh,” Harrow winced, taking a deep inhale of the fetid air. “It’s not as strong as I imagined.”
“Speak for yourself!” Gideon coughed, her eyes watering. “Why does it stink like that? I thought flowers were supposed to smell pretty!”
“The corpse flower, or Titan arum, has a unique odor because it needs to attract specific pollinators that are attracted to the scent of decaying flesh,” the tour guide said, gesturing down at the hulking plant below. “Its primary pollinators, like carrion beetles, ants, and flesh flies, flock to-”
“Ew,” Gideon shuddered. “That’s nasty. Reminds me of your mum’s rank puss-”
“Griddle!” Harrow hissed, shoving the redhead so hard she nearly flew over the rail to the ground below. Gideon righted herself, coughing awkwardly as several members of the tour group turned to glare.
“Uh,” Gideon said sheepishly. “Sorry. Keep going about the stinky guy.”
“As I was saying,” the tour guide continued, pursing her lips at Gideon, “the scientific name for the corpse flower - Amorphophallus titanum - contains the words amorphos,
Which means ‘without form or misshapen’ and phallos, which means ‘phallic-shaped’. Titanum, of course, refers to its large size.”
“Do not say it,” Harrow said through gritted teeth, casting a side-eye at Gideon that made her blood freeze.
“Harrow, it’s literally a big funky dick plant. I can’t not say it,” Gideon whispered.
“Bite. Your. Tongue,” Harrow nudged her threateningly. “I cannot take you anywhere, Griddle. If you get us kicked out of the botanical garden, I will literally-”
“Harrow,” Gideon said urgently. “Harrow, I am not making this up. Look at the plant next to the mezzanine door and read the name tag.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Harrow groaned, squinting at the placard. “It’s a butterfly pea flower, how can you possibly-?”
“Read the fancy name,” Gideon bit her tongue, trying not to laugh.
“Clitoria ternatea,” Harrow rolled her eyes, looking for a moment as though she wished she had just stayed home. “Are you proud of yourself for finding it?”
“Very,” Gideon grinned. “Come on, Harrow. This tour is duller than your cousin’s poetry. Why don’t we slip off for a little adventure of our own? We can meet up with them in the poison garden.”
“Gideon,” Harrow sighed. "We shouldn't."
“Please? Pretty please?” Gideon gave her best impression of a sad puppy. “I’ll buy you something at the gift shop.”
“It had better be more impressive than a keychain,” Harrow huffed. “You’re impossible.”
“Sure am, my little Corpse Flower,” Gideon said sweetly. “Come hither.”
Gideon took her partner’s arm, casually guiding her away from the tour group and in the general direction of the nearest restroom. As soon as the tour guide’s back turned, they dashed down the stairs and into a quiet sunken garden with a reflecting pool.
“Tranquility of Asia,” Harrow murmured, glancing at the map. “There’s a koi pond in the back corner near a memorial bench.”
“Perfect,” Gideon said, leaning down to press her lips against Harrowhark’s neck. “I’ve never met a koi who couldn’t keep a secret.”
Harrow sat down on the bench, facing the small pond. Curious fish darted just below the surface, hoping for a snack. Gideon loved the flashes of gold and red, black and silver; she settled down beside her partner, wrapping a casual arm around Harrow’s shoulders.
“Just go with the flow, toots,” Gideon grinned, her free hand sliding beneath the hem of Harrowhark’s sweatshirt. “Stop pondering. You don’t have to be koi with me.”
“No, absolutely not. Nav, you cannot sit here and feel me up while telling terrible fish puns. I won’t have it,” Harrow said, swatting her hand away. “You can have one or the other. Not both.”
“Aw, you’re no fun,” Gideon pouted. Her fingers tickled Harrow’s ribs, making the younger woman wiggle involuntarily. “Can I feel you up if I don’t tell you terrible fish puns?”
“I suppose,” Harrow smirked, smoothing her hand down Gideon’s thigh. She gave Gideon’s thigh muscle a squeeze, licking her lips. “Don’t get us caught.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Gideon grinned. She leaned her head on Harrow’s shoulder, blocking the view of anyone who might sneak up behind them. Her lips pressed against Harrow’s neck, dragging a soft moan from the girl.
“I know you like it when I’m rough, baby,” Gideon said, her voice husky and arrogant. “But you’d better stay quiet. Can you do that?”
“Fuck you,” Harrow breathed, tensing as Gideon’s hand worked its way beneath her bra. Calloused fingers cupped her breast, rolling and pinching her nipple until Harrow absentmindedly bucked into the touch.
“Shh, honey,” Gideon teased, moving from one breast to the other. “No sudden movements. Remember, we’re just… having a nice, relaxing chat. Nothing suspicious at all.”
“Right,” Harrow squeezed her thighs together, shifting her weight to give Gideon better access. “Nothing suspicious at all.”
Gideon teased Harrow’s nipples until they ached, dragging muffled gasps from her throat. Twice, she heard footsteps behind them - and covered their lewd activities with a well-timed stretch and a kiss.
By the time Harrow’s cheeks flamed brightly and her thighs opened without hesitance, Gideon was about ready to fuck her in front of God and everyone. But getting kicked out of the botanical garden would suck, especially since Harrow seemed to like boring plants and stuff.
So, she did what she did best: she improvised.
“You want it so bad, don’t you?” she asked. Her fingers slipped beneath the waistband of Harrow’s black slacks. She pressed her lips to Harrowhark’s ear, as though sharing secrets. “You’re going to come for me, nice and easy. Quiet; you wouldn’t want anybody to hear, would you?”
“Gideon,” Harrow whined, feeling her partner’s finger circling her clit. “I can’t-”
“Think of all the filthy things I’m going to do to you tonight,” Gideon continued, running her free hand through Harrow’s hair. “Close your eyes and focus on that. Imagine how I plan to fuck you: bullet vibe on your clit while you bounce on my strap. Your pretty tits jiggling every time I thrust.”
“F-Fuck,” Harrow whispered, her brows furrowed tightly in concentration.
“I’ll bend you over and fuck your ass until you scream,” Gideon continued, voice syrupy-smooth against Harrow’s ear. “Tease you while you bite your pillow. I won’t stop until you squirt all over yourself, my filthy slut.”
“Ah, ah,” Harrow panted, trying desperately to keep quiet. The bubbling koi pond and tranquil music helped to cover her voice, but it couldn’t mask her noises completely. “Please-”
“Come on, honey,” Gideon coaxed. “Give me a good one.”
Harrow’s mouth dropped open, her legs twitching as she climaxed beneath Gideon’s fingertips. Gideon kissed her cheek sweetly, smugness radiating from every pore. Gideon subtly wiped her fingers off on Harrow’s panties, then zipped the woman’s trousers and patted her still-trembling thigh.
“There’s my girl,” she said, stretching lazily. “Who knew the botanical garden could be so enlightening? I think I’ve learned a lot today. I’m a regular botanical koi-nnoisseur.”
“I… will feed you… to the fish…” Harrow breathed, her face softer than her voice implied. She rolled her head back, letting out a short laugh. “Gods, I hope they don’t have security cameras in this room.”
“Maybe we should skip the poison room,” Gideon teased, flicking the tip of Harrow’s nose. “I’m afraid you’d sneak some deadly nightshade into my soup.”
“I can kill you in ten different ways with a paperclip,” Harrow said primly, straightening up. “To the gift shop?”
“A deal’s a deal,” Gideon shrugged. “Lead the way, my Mammillaria longimamma.”
Harrow blinked at her.
“What?” Gideon asked with a lopsided grin. “You have to know about the Titty Cactus.”
“You’re impossible,” Harrow sighed, slugging her in the arm. “You’re bringing me back here another day, I hope you know. And I will require a full day’s exploration with no complaints. Promise?”
“Sure, sure. And you’re buying me lunch today,” Gideon winked, shaking her head fondly. “Let’s go, sugar lips. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can take you home.”