Chapter Text
Ryujin always knew that she was going to be an alpha. The signs started early in high school. She was bold, confident and outspoken, something people often attribute to alphas, especially female alphas, before any of the classic signs and physical changes.
A child of a beta and an omega turning out as an alpha, that was practically unheard of, and yet, three months before her eighteenth, the signs kept piling up. Every stereotypical alpha trait she’d seen and heard about were starting to show. Her senses were sharper, scents that used to be mellow or non-existent started to grow stronger. Her muscles firmer and stronger, she ran faster and lifted heavier. She was more irritable, had a shorter fuse. Her scent solidified at eighteen into a deep, dark chocolate. The physical changes followed, and the ruts began at twenty.
It was everything she didn’t want.
When she presented as one, people celebrated and congratulated her for ‘beating the odds’, like she won the lottery or something. Her parents, bless them, were nothing but supportive through the entire process. Her Dad picked up a stack of books and tried to step up to guide her, to fill in the role of an alpha figure for her, alongside being a paternal figure. Her Mom made sure she didn’t turn out a brute, selfish alpha. She taught her everything about what makes a good person and, by extension, a good alpha.
Despite it all, as far as alphas go, Ryujin is aware that she doesn’t fit the ideal. She has been aware of that since the moment she presented.
When she made things official with Chaeryeong, she knew her shortcomings, but she wanted to be the person Chaeryeong could rely on. The person she felt safe and comfortable around, the person she shared her concerns and worries with, the person she shared her life with. It was never about the heats or the physicality of it, those were a bonus. She felt her heart race when Chaeryeong’s pinky nudged hers while they were walking, when Chaeryeong threw her head back laughing from a joke she made, when Chaeryeong looked at her with those soft and caring eyes that make Ryujin feel special.
It still does.
But sometimes, just sometimes, she finds herself dwelling on her shortcomings as an alpha. A tiny voice that felt like it got poked at every time she noticed the differences between her and Yeji. They weren’t big differences, but they were there, enough to stir something inside her.
She had been able to bury most of her thoughts, but then Yeji had that knot unexpectedly, and it’s all taking far longer than she wanted to settle. Even after her confession in the bathtub. It was just hard to shake off. Even after Chaeryeong reassured her and gave her a night she’ll remember forever. Even after how they seemingly moved on after the incident.
It stung like a thorn pressed against her side, poking at her skin, nothing deep enough to pierce, but it was irritating and, worst of all, persistent.
This wasn’t something new.
This was something she should have addressed long ago.
//
A large part of Ryujin’s identity as an alpha was tied to Chaeryeong. She couldn’t hide it even if she tried. That thing sort of happens when your first love turns into someone you hope to marry someday. One of the reasons that contributed to their messy and complicated start was Ryujin’s status as an alpha.
Chaeryeong, and she means this in the best, most respectful way possible, is an omega. She’s soft spoken, gentle, and so wonderfully elegant.
Ryujin suspects that people might not expect it from Chaeryeong, but she takes pride in being a purebred omega.
Some people, especially both purebred and omegas in particular, choose to hide their instinct traits and mask their scent to obscure their status. Preferring to stay hidden and pass as a beta, some do it as a personal preference, some do it for work or professional circumstances.
Although scent blockers were mandatory in their line of work, when Chaeryeong doesn’t have to take them, she won’t. She likes letting her scent waft around the room, especially when she’s at home. It’s not the mouth-watering, intense cherry Ryujin’s grown familiar with, but it’s this persistent hint of cherry in the air.
Chaeryeong has never been ashamed of who she was, she was born this way and carried that responsibility and pressure with nothing but grace.
What distinctly sets her apart from a lot of the omegas Ryujin knows is that Lee Chaeryeong will not bend to anyone she doesn’t want to. Be it an alpha, another omega or beta. She is by no means submissive despite her status. Anyone who has ever underestimated or mistaken her soft demeanour and femininity as a weakness has been proven brutally wrong. On top of all that, she is gorgeous. All the lines of her muscles complement her delicate curves, like someone lovingly sculpted every single detail that made her.
She is perfect by every stretch of the imagination. Even if perfection doesn’t exist, Ryujin is certain that Chaeryeong comes close.
It’s…hard to believe that you deserve someone who’s near perfect when you yourself aren’t even close.
When someone like Chaeryeong comes along and takes you as her alpha. It fundamentally changes you. Ryujin would be lying through her teeth if she didn’t admit that it was a massive ego booster and validation. That despite Chaeryeong’s ability to have anyone her heart desired, she chose her. She asked her to be her alpha. She wanted to be Ryujin’s.
It would have been easy to let it go to her head, be all arrogant and boast about being Chaeryeong’s, but that wasn’t her style. She understood the responsibility and weight of such a choice and vowed that she’d rise to the occasion.
There were a few bumps here and there, but it didn’t matter that Ryujin was starting on the back foot, she was Chaeryeong’s alpha, and she’d do anything to fulfil that role.
However, when something, no, someone, comes along and starts rattling and shaking the foundation of what you’ve based a core part of your identity on. It causes a few issues.
Especially when that someone is the theoretical perfect partner for Chaeryeong.
Yeji - Ryujin would like to reiterate, she means in the best way possible - is such an alpha.
Ryujin doubts that Yeji understands how many of the alpha stereotypes she falls under. She’s tall, broad-shouldered, straight-backed and has defined lines and muscles in all the right places. She has proud, sharp and dominant features. She is authoritative, dependable and confident. Her voice has a beautiful, raspy and husky edge to it. Her scent is heavy and commanding.
She isn’t that stereotypical brash and brute alpha, but it feels like a lot more than just a status or label for her. It’s imbued in the way she carries herself, her mannerisms, her speech, her actions. Even when she takes suppressants, she has never been mistaken for a beta.
It’s most apparent when she’s going through a rut, her learned traits and attributes take a backseat, and her instincts shine. She’s still unendingly caring and respectful, that’s an intrinsic Yeji trait, but those hips and that tongue were designed to persuade one to submit. Ryujin has been on the receiving end of that talent, which has led to multiple instances where Ryujin had to do her best to hide a limp in her step the next day.
Everything about Yeji is intense. She thought Chaeryeong’s cherry scent was strong, but Yeji scents like she’s trying to replace everything with her cinnamon-filled air. She used to worry that her body would physically reject that level of scenting from another alpha, but it never has.
Yeji is territorial in every sense of the word.
Ryujin always thought that she was guilty of being the same when she found the small moments to loop their pinkies together and bump knees when they sat next to each other while they were in public, opportunities where she’d use the lineup order to her advantage and rest her hand on Chaeryeong’s waist. But Yeji takes it to another level. She physically zones an area around Chaeryeong and Ryujin whenever she can. Whether that’s a hand around the back of the couch or chair they’re sitting on, how she wordlessly buttons Ryujin’s shirt up or lends her one of her hoodies to cover up. Watchful eyes monitoring their solo photo or video shoots, or those big, steady hands on their hips, waist, back and…everywhere else they manage to get to.
Ryujin isn’t like Yeji.
Sure, they’re both alphas, but they couldn’t be more different.
She’s never attempted to hide the fact that she wasn’t a typical alpha. She wasn’t like purebreds like Yeji and Yuna. It was genetics, something she couldn’t change. She’s short and stocky. She’s not intimidating or imposing. She has a far more mellow scent compared to Yeji’s cinnamon or Yuna’s coffee. She doesn’t feel the urge to fight or the constant need to assert herself. When it comes down to the more intimate things like ruts, hers tend to last two days or a maximum of three, unlike theirs, which fluctuate or linger for days and days on end, like Yeji’s, that last anywhere from one to four.
Ryujin doesn’t expect or want Chaeryeong to treat them the same way, they are two very distinct individuals after all. But Ryujin isn’t blind, there are things Chaeryeong does, instincts she leans towards when she’s around Yeji that she’s never experienced before. And when she dwells on those for a little too long, it leaves her feeling…not the best.
She supposes this is what having two girlfriends brings. In essence, you have four relationships to look after. Not only do you have the overall throuple relationship to contribute to, but you also have one with each of your girls: one for Chaeryeong, one for Yeji, and a final one, the relationship between Chaeryeong and Yeji. She played a vital role in jump starting Chaeryeong and Yeji’s relationship and she loves seeing it develop and blossom to what it is today. While the knot was the catalyst for the whirlwind of thoughts plaguing her, it had nothing to do with jealousy over Chaeryeong. It was clear that Chaeryeong and Yeji not only trusted each other but were fully in control of the situation. It couldn’t have been that. Her girls were both safe, they handled an unexpected situation well and most likely built a stronger bond because of it.
But what if she bit off more than she could chew?
There’s a certain way Chaeryeong and Yeji react to each other, almost instinctively, that feels different to how they are with her. With other avenues of affection like marks and claims being off the table, scents have become a core part of their method of expressing love. There was something about the intensity that Yeji scented Chaeryeong with, the way she had Chaeryeong begging for more, the intimacy of how they shared those moments. Something about it was just nagging at her, taking up a heavy and unwelcome spot on her mind and weighing on her heart.
She tried her best to get ahead of it and talk it out for once. For someone who self-admittedly cries easily at sad movies, she doesn’t like talking about her emotions. It’s easier to cry about a touching moment on screen than it is to walk through your own garden of thoughts. With Chaeryeong, that barrier isn’t non-existent, she still struggles with letting her in sometimes, but the walls are noticeably lower.
She didn’t mean for the conversation they had in the bathtub to be as emotional as it turned out to be. She simply wanted Chaeryeong to relax and recover, to give her a massage to release that tension in her back and spend a quiet morning together. But the thoughts bubbled up when Chaeryeong thanked her (for doing the bare minimum) and tipped over when she relaxed into her arms.
Chaeryeong reassured her and said the sweetest things to her, but they just didn’t sink in, they didn’t erase what she felt.
She wasn’t Chaeryeong’s sole alpha anymore, while Ryujin was fine with that, the alpha in her was having a harder time managing that.
It couldn’t ignore the teasing lilt or the honey dripping from her tone when she calls Yeji, alpha.
It couldn't ignore the way Chaeryeong dips into her omega side when she wants Yeji’s attention.
A side to Chaeryeong that only came out with Yeji. A side she never managed to unearth despite desperately wanting to know everything about Chaeryeong.
Maybe she’s reading into things too much, but the thoughts, the worries, they brewed and simmered under the surface until she couldn’t smother them out anymore.
//
It comes out brash, a little ugly and the complete opposite of how she wanted it to be.
Ryujin likes to think and ponder over scenarios before acting on them. No matter how insignificant or important that thing might be. She likes to feel prepared. She likes the safety it provides. It prevents her from making stupid decisions and embarrassing herself. Chaeryeong understands her borderline-overthinking to an extent. She’s said multiple times that she doesn’t want Ryujin to bottle up her emotions and deal with things alone, that she wouldn’t mind sitting in silence with Ryujin as she processed it. But this is simply a process that Ryujin has found that works for her, that she has to go through. She was going to find some time to talk to them about it, before it festered into something foul.
Except, there comes a breaking point. An invisible yet inevitable point. Over something so unbelievably simple.
“Ryujinnie?” Chaeryeong’s voice carried over from upstairs all the way to their living room.
“Yeah?” She shouts back, kneeling next to her open suitcase as she does a mental inventory of everything she packed.
Chaeryeong peers into the living room from the top of the staircase, holding up a white sweater and a grey hoodie, which once belonged to Ryujin, but alas, the minute Chaeryeong found out how soft they were, they weren’t hers anymore. “Can you scent these for me? I want to have it for the flight.”
“Sure, just-” Ryujin starts, and Chaeryeong is already gone, scrambling to get ready. She wraps up her mental checklist. She’ll have to hope that past her did a good job packing.
She climbs the stairs and calls out, “Ryeong.”
“In here.” She hears her voice coming from the walk-in closet. “They’re on the bed.”
Ryujin wordlessly trades her blue button-down for the hoodie and slips it on, tugging the hood up before sitting down to scent it.
Scenting is something she’s more than used to doing for Chaeryeong, even before they got together. It used to be a simple touch and go, but Chaeryeong has been asking for it more often and has been more open about having Ryujin’s scent linger and swirl around her in general. (Much to the dismay of HR.) She has had to scent things stronger and harder for Chaeryeong because she says that her scent gets lost too quickly, never mind that her chocolate scent is practically etched into her skin.
Still, Ryujin does what she can. This has been a new way she’s found to scent to Chaeryeong’s liking. It takes more time than other methods, but it works. She lies on the edge of the bed and closes her eyes, letting off wave after wave, hoping it sticks onto the fabric.
She grabs the sweater to change, but she opens her eyes to none other than Yeji leaning against the door frame. Fresh from the shower with a loose shirt and just a pair of boxers on. Ryujin blinks. Was this a dream? Did she accidentally fall asleep in that short amount of time? Or did she try to scent too hard and end up fainting, and this was her imagination?
“I was wondering why you were scenting up the place,” Yeji, or not Yeji, says. She crosses the room slowly, and the swirl of cinnamon intensifies.
Until Ryujin is certain this isn’t a dream anymore, when Yeji cradles her cheek and leans down to kiss the crown of her head, “Morning.”
“Morning,” Ryujin replies, sitting up a little too quickly, making the room spin. She reaches out to steady herself, and Yeji catches her with ease, pulling her in to rest her head against the soft of her stomach.
She curls her hand around her waist and settles on the small of her back as the room stops spinning. Yeji hums softly at the touch and asks, “You okay?”
Ryujin nods, offering some type of affirmative grunt that quells the worry in Yeji’s eyes. She glances at the other hoodie Ryujin was holding onto and asks, “Two? Our girl is getting greedy, isn’t she?”
Ryujin shrugs lopsidedly, she’s not falling for that. If she were caught agreeing and calling Chaeryeong ‘greedy’, that would have been a one-way ticket to a night spent pleading rather than pleasing.
Yeji fiddles with the zipper at the front of her hoodie teasingly before taking it between her fingers and grinning, “Good thing you have help.”
Ryujin gulps and can only manage to stare as she pulls down, watching as a pretty pink graces Yeji’s cheekbones when she realises that Ryujin’s only wearing a bra underneath. She nudges it off her shoulders and lets it fall and pool around her waist.
“Gosh, Ryujinnie,” Yeji whispers, eyes drifting down as her hand splays across her collarbone. Ryujin is used to being admired, her job hinges on it after all, but nothing compares to Yeji’s eyes. They’re softer than normal this morning, that usual sharp taper to the corner of her eyes is absent as her gaze roams down her body. The hint of spice in her cinnamon spikes as her pupils dilate and eyes darken, chest rising and falling unevenly. She tightens her grip around her waist and Yeji’s gaze snaps back up to her. She sneaks her finger under the strap of her tank top and says, “You’re awfully pretty today.”
Ryujin rolls her eyes playfully. Of course she’d say that. “I’m half naked and smell like melted chocolate.”
Yeji grins and Ryujin takes a sharp inhale when the light catches on her canines. “Exactly.”
Yeji barely manages to hide the growl simmering in her throat as she straddles her. Ryujin gulps when she feels something hard pressed up against her, but before she can ask or tease or propose something.
“So…”
Chaeryeong interrupts them and strolls in with her hands crossed and a furrow in her brow, “Were you gonna call me?”
Yeji tenses and quickly hops off of Ryujin, turning to beam her most charming smile to Chaeryeong.
“Sorry, princess, I couldn’t help myself. She smelled too good.” Yeji nudges to tangle their pinkies together.
Chaeryeong narrows her eyes at Yeji before looking back towards Ryujin and promptly drifting down. Again, Ryujin is used to being admired! But right now, she feels as if she so much as takes a deep breath, they’ll end up very late for their ride to the airport.
It is precisely why she does nothing but stay absolutely still as Chaeryeong comes closer with Yeji in tow, their pinkies lovingly intertwined.
“I never knew this was your process to scent hoodies,” Chaeryeong says as she tucks Ryujin’s hair behind her ears. Ryujin leans into the gentle brush of Chaeryeong’s thumb against the back of her ear. She replies, “It’s been the most reliable.”
Chaeryeong smiles and pecks her lips, hands skilfully undoing the last bit of the hoodie she had been scenting before all this.
“We have some time, don’t we?” She teases the edge of Ryujin’s bra and nudges her up the bed.
“Do we?” Ryujin chuckles softly, even though she’s more than ready to give in to a quickie. Chaeryeong flashes a smile, “Just something simple.”
Yeji hops onto the bed and nestles behind her, fingers brushing against her stomach, and Ryujin leans back easily, letting a sigh slip as she sinks into Yeji’s touch. Chaeryeong nestles a knee between Ryujin’s parted thighs while cradling her cheek. Her lips ghost along her collarbone, working their way up the column of her neck, before landing on a spot that made a growl tremble past her lips.
Ryujin reaches out instantly, fuelled by nothing but the pure instinct calling out to her to react. The warmth radiating into her palm travels down and settles around her heart. Chaeryeong smiles at the slow brush of her thumb against her cheekbone before she pushes her hair to one side and dives back in, letting off wave after wave of her cherry scent that makes Yeji’s grip tighten around her waist.
She leans past her to kiss Yeji and Ryujin feels a wave of heat cascade down her body, jaw aching with Chaeryeong’s bare neck so exposed.
Chaeryeong wraps a calm hand around her waist and says, “Scent me.”
Ryujin feels a distinct heat bubble in her chest. Chaeryeong rarely pulls that tone with either of them. It’s as heavy a command as it gets. She only does it when she’s in the throes of heat. Which she knows isn’t due for another month.
Chaeryeong’s hot breath fans over her lips and she lets her chocolate scent fill the space between them, eager to respond and please Chaeryeong.
She knows that she was already pushing it when she was scenting the hoodies so intensely, but she doesn’t forget to give it an extra boost to make sure it covers Yeji too, which she knows is appreciated when Yeji plants a kiss on her bare shoulder, even if her fingertips are starting to numb.
Chaeryeong greedily tugs on her bottom lip as she pulls back, but her surprise is cut short by a jolt of cinnamon that washes over her so abruptly, it punches the air out of her lungs. Like it’s desperate to not just infiltrate but replace her entire system. It rips a choked moan from her throat and Yeji is quick to place her lips against her neck, a silent apology for the sudden strength she snuck behind it.
Chaeryeong’s eyes are a distinctly darker shade of brown when they meet, no doubt the work of Yeji’s cinnamon scent acting as an aphrodisiac. She breathes it in without any sign of a struggle, letting the warm, cinnamon air flood her senses. She leans closer to Yeji’s scent gland that’s surely pumping overtime to scent the two of them and places what Ryujin assumes to be a soft kiss, because Yeji hums contentedly into her neck.
Chaeryeong gently tilts her up into a kiss with a finger curled under her jaw and rasps, “Want more.”
Ryujin gulps despite having done this hundreds of times, her breathing is still a mess from Yeji, her head feels uncomfortably heavy and hazy. That last scent was already stronger than her normal, she’s not sure what else is left. But the second Chaeryeong brushes the pads of her thumb across her cheek, she nods easily and sinks into the cusp of Chaeryeong’s palm as she musters up her scent again, trying to get it as strong as Yeji’s or at the very least match it.
She can give even more, right? One final push to match how strong Yeji’s scents get. The ones that get so strong, it makes Chaeryeong’s knees weak with nothing but a steady gaze and a wave of warm cinnamon from her alpha.
You can’t, can you?
That tiny, nagging voice pierces through the haze they lulled her into with their reverent touches and grounding lips.
Yeji drapes over her back, tucking her cheek against Ryujin’s shoulder, hands nestled comfortably by her waist. Ryujin sinks into her familiar touch, desperately dispelling the voice. Chaeryeong threads their hands together and her eyes shut gently as Ryujin’s chocolate scent fills the room again, swirling with the cinnamon still encasing them.
The corner of Chaeryeong’s lips curls up into a shy smile, guiding her into a light kiss before her lips meander to her jaw, and Ryujin’s heart does an uncomfortable flip.
It’s an incentive.
She needs to give more. It wasn’t enough.
Yeji brushes her midline slowly and Ryujin feels a dull shiver run down her spine despite the leisurely stroke. Chaeryeong pecks her cheek gently, those dark orbs swimming with so much affection when she asks again, “Can I have yours stronger, please?”
A shaky breath leaves Ryujin’s lips, she’s never refused such a request, much less one asked so politely, but her fingertips feel like static and the weight of something heavy and ugly sits on her chest, making it harder and harder to breathe.
She can’t do it.
“I can’t,” She huffs quietly, expelling a heavy breath and weakly pushing Chaeryeong away from her neck. Yeji’s hand stills on her stomach, and that once comfortable weight shifts to a pang of guilt, swirling uncomfortably under her touch. She pushes past it quickly, desperate to explain herself, but all she can cobble together is a wobbly, “I can’t do it any stronger.”
She fumbles out something resembling an apology and tells them to carry on without her, swinging her legs off the bed and scanning the floor for her slippers. This wasn’t in the plan. She was supposed to find a time to sit Chaeryeong and Yeji down and talk this out maturely, like three adults, not break down and spiral when they’re making out. It’s so embarrassing, god, it makes her want to curl up into a ball in the corner.
She feels their weight shift on the mattress and she really should get up to let them continue before they have to catch a flight. But a gentle hand, Chaeryeong’s, loops around her wrist and stops her from getting up. There’s an impulse, a reflex, rising that wants to tell her to go away and let her be, but she swallows it down roughly.
“I- I can’t do it stronger,” She repeats like a broken record and wriggles her wrist free from Chaeryeong’s grasp. She stares at the floor and mumbles. “We should get going.”
This was not how things were supposed to go. It was just a simple ask. Why did it turn out so poorly? She swipes the bottle of suppressants from the medicine cabinet by the door and slams two back immediately, waiting for the combination of chocolate, cherry and cinnamon to fade before she can finally take a breath and calm the tingling in her fingers.
//
The public schedule and flight keep them busy enough that she doesn’t have to confront whatever conversation they have in store for her later. She has no idea how to even go about formulating and packaging the words that have kept getting stuck in her throat, that have been festering far too long, and have now impeded what should have been a regular, peaceful day.
She pretends not to notice Chaeryeong’s frown when she notices her scent missing, Yeji’s watchful eyes, noting her every movement during rehearsals, or Yuna and Jisu’s curious gazes. She puts her head down, lowers her baseball cap and trudges on.
When they wrap up rehearsals and head to the hotel they’re staying at for the night. Their manager hands Ryujin the keycard and says that she’ll be sharing a room with Chaeryeong. She doesn’t demand a change, that’s only going to raise more questions that she doesn’t have the answer to, but it has no right making her as nervous as it did.
How she got into their room is frankly a blur. She faintly remembered nodding and taking the card, mouthing something as she relayed the message to Chaeryeong. Who kept a strong and resolute poker face on as they gathered their stuff and headed up.
“Ryujinnie,” Chaeryeong calls as the door shuts behind them, and Ryujin tenses at the call. She expected her to be annoyed or angry, but Chaeryeong’s voice is so full of worry that it feels like she’s about to console a lost puppy.
“Ryujin,” She says in that tone, one that Ryujin can’t ignore. She turns to face Chaeryeong but she can’t bring her gaze up.
Chaeryeong places her arm over Ryujin’s and all that tender touch does is make Ryujin want to eat her words, run, and hide, to pretend like this outburst never happened. She says quietly, but unmistakably, “Should I go?”
The words feel like a gut punch, she snaps her gaze up and shakes her head immediately, unable to offer a proper sentence with the way her heart twists in pain.
Chaeryeong takes a step closer and her hand glides up to cradle her cheek, she whispers, “What happened this morning?”
Her hand doesn’t falter even at Ryujin’s silence, she waits patiently, waiting for Ryujin to confide in her, like a quiet declaration that she’s not going anywhere.
“I’m sorry.”
All the adrenaline that had been building up gets expelled from her bones with a heavy, laboured sigh. “You’ve given me everything I’ve ever asked for, been so good to me and in return?” She wants to curl in on herself the way her voice tapers off into a quiet, heart-breaking reality, “I can’t even scent you properly.”
Neither of them move, and Ryujin feels like she’s being scrutinised under a magnifying glass. This wasn’t either of their faults, it’s her own insecurities that she never learned how to shut off. She shakes her head, at herself. “It’s pathetic. I’m-”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Chaeryeong snaps.
Ryujin darts her head up, she doesn’t flinch from the hurt in her eyes, or the hardened steel in her tone. She looks away, ashamed and embarrassed.
“Shin Ryujin!”
She flinches, her back straightening even when every fibre of her body is shouting at her to curl up into a ball again.
Chaeryeong softens her voice and continues, “I’ve been patient and I truly don’t mind waiting longer. But all it seems to have done is make things worse,” She asks again, gentler this time, “What’s going on?”
“Talk to me,” She asks for Ryujin’s hand with her palm facing up, an unspoken invitation. She adds on quietly, “Like you always have.”
Ryujin stares at her open palm and tightens her grip on the sheets. “I can’t even give you something so basic.”
“I’m not good enough,” She says, “I wasn’t good enough when we got together, certainly not good enough now.”
“I’m sorry, I know we’ve talked about it before, not that long ago either, you’re probably already sick of this.” She folds into herself, fending away the tears.
“Ryujin,” She calls and curls a hand around her wrist, eyes wide and glossy. She threads their fingers together seamlessly and Ryujin bites back a sob. “I’m not sick of anything, I want to be here and listen.”
She takes a slow, shaky breath in and out. Chaeryeong squeezes her hand as she waits and it all comes tumbling out like a broken dam. “When I presented as an alpha, I didn’t think much of it. It was just another label people could slap onto me,” She says, “In many ways, and still in some circles, I’m not considered a real alpha. I'm not purebred. I have a mellow scent, shorter ruts, smaller knots.”
She swallows the lump in her throat, tapers back the sting in her eyes. “Being with you and Yeji has made it clear that I’m different.”
Chaeryeong’s grip tightens and she takes a sharp inhale, ready to step in and console her but Ryujin shakes her head and carries on. “I could ignore it before. But with the three of us now, I can’t.”
She lightly squeezes Chaeryeong’s hand and swallows the lump in her throat.
“I can’t give you the things that Yeji can.”
She looks down at her intertwined hands, resting on her lap. “There are things that only you two have. You both are hardwired to feel more for each other, experience things that I can’t be a part of.”
“Ryujinnie.” Chaeryeong shakes her head, but Ryujin continues on, “I know you can tell the differences, but you never say anything.”
She takes a final sharp shuddering breath, fighting back the sting prickling at the corner of her eyes. “I know that in comparison, everything I give you is a diluted version of what Yeji gives. You asked for more of my scent, a stronger scent, something so simple, and I...I couldn’t give that to you.”
Chaeryeong squeezes her hand and that edge of steel returns to her voice, but instead of the hint of anger it was laced with before, now it’s strong and unshakeable. “You are not giving me a diluted version.” Chaeryeong brings her hand up to her lips. “I want you, in whatever amount you’ll give to me.”
“I’m sorry about pushing you to scent me, I just wanted to renew it for longer. I didn’t mean to push you.” Chaeryeong apologises, even though it’s not her fault.
Ryujin forces her gaze away from Chaeryeong, shaking her head, doing everything to keep her tears at bay. “But it wasn’t enough,” She sighs frustratedly, “If I can’t give you something as basic as a scent that you’re happy with, then what right do I have to call myself your alpha?”
There’s an instant hollow ache in her chest when the words leave her throat, like the thing she’s been so scared to tackle and face has finally been brutally and forcefully ripped out of her.
“You’ve spent these few weeks thinking that?” Chaeryeong asks, voice shaking like her heart’s been shattered.
Chaeryeong cradles her cheek and a part of Ryujin wants to pull herself away, to reject this gentleness she’s showing her. But that same touch is so warm and comforting, and it’s everything she’s ever associated the concept of home with.
“Ryujin.” She’s pretty sure she’s crying now, but she’s too numb to feel the tears that she’s failed to hold back.
“Look at me?” There’s that tone again, one she’s never been able to say no to.
Chaeryeong’s eyes are everything Ryujin doesn’t deserve right now. That understanding of why it’s been so difficult for her. That tenderness as she wipes away a tear, not afraid of the worst, most insecure parts that haunt Ryujin. That love in her eyes when Ryujin leans into her palm.
“You have every right to,” Chaeryeong says, “You always have, and you always will.”
Ryujin stubbornly shakes her head, voice cracking, “I’m too weak to be one and too prideful to admit that I’m not,” She sobs, “I don’t deserve you. Or Yeji.”
“You’re our Ryujin.” Chaeryeong wipes away another tear, “You’re always looking out for us. You’re fiercely loyal, you love and care so much about the ones closest to you. You give us so, so much of yourself without asking for anything in return. Those are just some aspects that make you incredible.”
“That doesn’t change that without Yeji, you would have missed out on so much.” Ryujin wipes away another tear harshly from her cheeks. “You’d be stuck getting only half of what you needed, because I couldn’t give them to you.”
“It was scenting today but what if there’s more I can’t give you?” She sighs, “I don’t want to hold you back.”
Chaeryeong sniffles. “You’re not holding me back, Darling.” She intertwines their hands and squeezes, the pressure it gives is ever so grounding. “Has it ever occurred to you that I like it? That I love that you’re different?”
Chaeryeong takes her hand into her lap. “I love everything that you give me. I love your scent so much that I’d drown in you if I could, that’s why I wanted it so badly this morning.”
Chaeryeong traces her thumb over the back of her palm, “I love you and I love your alpha side too. I love helping you through your ruts no matter how long or short they are. I love it when you help me with my heats and especially when you knot me, it makes me feel so wanted and loved.”
“Ryujin,” She says. “I don’t love you for what you can give me. I love you because it’s you.”
“I love everything about you. I’ve never wanted you to change or be like Yeji.” She brings Ryujin’s hand to her lips. “All I need is for you to love me back. That’s all I’ll ever ask for.”
Ryujin's heart squeezes, she wipes away a stray tear. “I do. I love you so much.”
Chaeryeong pulls her into a hug and Ryujin melts into her, breathing in her soft calming cherry scent while she fists her hands into the fabric.
“I didn’t mean to push you away. There was just a lot on my mind.” She hopes that Chaeryeong understands, she says, “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Chaeryeong mumbles into her hair and tightens her hug, like she knows Ryujin would never do that out of malice, but instead as a form of self preservation.
Chaeryeong pats her back soothingly and only lets go when Ryujin starts pulling back.
She dabs away the last few unshed tears at the corner of her eyes, taking on a softer, gentler tone. “Can you promise me something?”
Ryujin hums curiously, brushing the back of Chaeryeong’s hand. “Can we work on how you talk about yourself?”
She tenses, a little taken aback by it. “Oh- I- that.”
She scrambles for an explanation, to brush off her concern but comes up short, especially when she notices the hurt swimming in Chaeryeong’s eyes. She nods, like a promise. She’ll do it for herself and she’ll do it for them.
“Ryujin-ah.” She pouts, fending off a waver in her voice, “You are so much more than enough. You have always been.”
She leans into the cusp of Ryujin’s palm as she cradles her cheek. “Yeji’s with us now but you’re still my alpha, my day one. As long as you’ll have me, that will never change.”
Ryujin pecks her lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Chaeryeong returns before guiding their lips together again.
Chaeryeong happily lets her lead, smiling into kiss after kiss as Ryujin chases after her.
“Can you make me yours again?” Ryujin asks, “Scent me as hard as you can.”
“Ryu.” Chaeryeong hesitates, worry starting to glaze over her eyes again. Ryujin gets it, the whole thing with scents caused her to spiral in the first place but she insists. “Please, the suppressants took your scent away.”
Chaeryeong quietly searches her eyes, “Are you sure?” She asks, “This morning was a lot. We shouldn’t rush it.”
Ryujin shakes her head. “Ryeong, please, I miss it.”
Chaeryeong gives in with a gentle nod. She gestures for her to move up the bed, until her back is supported against the headboard.
She tucks Ryujin’s hair behind her ear and says, “Only gonna do a little bit. I don’t want you to pass out.”
Chaeryeong presses her lips against her jaw, her hands slowly make their way up Ryujin’s neck, rubbing at the sensitive spot behind her ear as she makes her way down the column of her throat. The slow and steady release of her cherry scent is such a welcome contrast to anything they’ve been doing recently. Ryujin knows it’s deliberate but it doesn’t make her enjoy the moment any less. She enjoys every single kiss Chaeryeong leaves on her skin, and loves it when Chaeryeong takes extra time over a few more sensitive spots.
Ryujin is essentially a blank slate with the suppressants subduing any and all scents.
She eagerly soaks up Chaeryeong’s, taking lungful after lungful of that perfect cherry scent, feeling it fill her system and bring a type of warmth and heat she hadn’t felt since the first time Chaeryeong scented her and marked her as her alpha.
Her breathing picks up involuntarily, and Chaeryeong moves back at the hitch in her breath, ready to call it there and stop scenting any further but Ryujin reaches around her wrist and keeps her close. She whispers, “Keep going.”
Chaeryeong scoops Ryujin up in her arms and guides them down onto the bed, lying side by side as she tangles their legs and pulls Ryujin close. She lays a kiss behind her ear and Ryujin whimpers at the gentleness, eyes fluttering shut until every fibre in her body can happily declare that they’ve had their fill.
She turns in Chaeryeong’s arms, tucking and nestling herself under her chin. Following the rise and fall of Chaeryeong’s breathing and listening to her steady heartbeat.
She’s not sure how long she stayed there because she ended up drifting off in her arms, until she was startled awake by a quiet knock on their door and Chaeryeong getting up to answer it. There’s a quick hushed convo that she can’t quite make out before she returns with Yeji in tow.
Ryujin feels a pang of guilt as she watches the relief flood Yeji’s features. She pushes past the sleepiness and readies herself to launch into an apology and an explanation for this morning but Yeji shakes her head gently, taking one side of the bed as Chaeryeong takes the other.
Yeji must have noticed her red rim, puffy eyes because she leans down and presses a kiss to the crown of her head. “Let’s get some rest.”
Ryujin can’t bring herself to protest as they settle next to her, drifting off in a comforting cloud of cherry and cinnamon.
//
Finding the time to sit Yeji down and have a similar conversation proves to be a bit trickier. There was barely any downtime available from the minute Ryujin woke up. She was still reeling from last night’s emotions when she was ushered into hair and makeup, back to back interviews and of course, the main show.
It’s chaotic. Without a doubt. But they’ve certainly had worse.
They don’t get a private moment until much later when they’re back at the hotel. Yeji had the foresight to ask their manager to order them takeout prior to wrapping up their show. Ryujin has to admit that the bowl of braised beef noodles is by far the best and most soul healing food choice she could have asked for after a day like today. Chaeryeong had gotten up to shower not that long ago as Ryujin volunteered to clean up for them, while Yeji was in the process of looking for something for them to watch and unwind.
She hops onto the couch and half-heartedly watches as Yeji scrolls through the catalogue. There’s a soft, determined, and awfully cute look on Yeji’s face as she sifts through the New Releases tab on a familiar app. Picking something to watch is difficult enough for yourself but picking for three? It’s a task.
Ryujin reaches out to tuck the strand of her short, black hair behind her ear, and the corner of Yeji’s lips quirk up, her handsome dimple making a small yet beloved appearance.
She shouldn’t ruin the moment. They’ve been having such a lovely night.
She really shouldn’t.
Yeji hums curiously and the second that dimple fully reveals herself, Ryujin cracks.
The nerves are piling up again but they’re nowhere near as bad as they had been.
“Do you have a minute?”
“Of course.” Yeji sets the tablet down quickly.
Ryujin offers a tight lipped smile and asks, “What was it like when you presented?”
“When I presented?” Yeji says, her voice taking an unusually high pitch. Ryujin nods encouragingly.
“I always knew that I was going to be one,” Yeji says as she fiddles with the edge of her hoodie. “Even before the signs and everything.
Ryujin notes down the clear hesitation in her answer, she’ll get back to that. There’s something more to Yeji’s hesitance, that she’s struggling to place.
“My family leans towards the more traditional side, we have a stronger alpha lineage than most.” She pauses for a noticeable moment before continuing, “My sister was supposed to be an alpha but she never showed any signs, and presented as a beta at eighteen,” She sighs slowly, “There uh- was more pressure on me afterwards to carry that title.”
“My grandpa took me to a fortune teller and everything. I was expected to turn out as an alpha.” Yeji shifts in place, a noticeable tension curling up her shoulders. “It wasn’t really a surprise when I finally did.”
“That must have been a lot,” Ryujin says. It’s almost jarring how different Yeji’s experience was. She can’t imagine how heavy a burden that would have been for a teen, let alone an adult. She stretches her arm over Yeji’s shoulder and brushes her side gently. Yeji rests her head against her chest and Ryujin presses a kiss to her crown before admitting, “I never knew.”
“Of course, you wouldn’t have,” Yeji chuckles, brushing it off and shrugging lopsidedly, “It’s not something I bring up often.”
“Is it something you want to talk about?” Ryujin offers, unable to help herself from detecting that there might be more under the surface. They haven’t really sat down to talk about family yet, despite coming up on a whole year together. But before Ryujin could decipher and probe further, Yeji shakes her head. “Not right now.”
Ryujin makes a mental note to bring it up another time, to find out what was hiding there that she couldn’t figure out right now. Yeji’s walls seem far too guarded for her to find a route in.
She pulls away from her shoulder and turns to face her with a warm and soft smile. “Why the question?”
Ryujin starts quietly, “No one expected me to be an alpha. A beta and omega for parents, the chances were slim.”
“As a halfbred alpha, I didn’t know where my place was for the longest time. Maybe you understand this, but I didn’t want to give in to the impulses and instincts that I felt. When I did, it almost felt like I was overcompensating.” Yeji nods, listening intently.
Ryujin glances at the bathroom door, listening to the faint rhythmic fall of water from the shower. “Before I got together with Chaeryeong, I decided that even if I was starting on the back foot as an alpha, I would do everything in my power to give Chaeryeong what she wanted.”
She takes Yeji’s hand and intertwines them as she says, “When you came along, I slowly realised that it was impossible.” She squeezes Yeji’s hand when she feels her tensing up. She adds, “Not because I didn’t try, but because it was...impossible.”
Yeji tilts her head ever so slightly, confused. Ryujin offers a lopsided smile. “You’ve always been too nice and too kind to point it out, but I’m not an alpha the same way you or Yuna are.”
“Our scents are different, how we react to Chaeryeong’s heats, how we handle our own ruts,” Ryujin lists, stopping briefly before admitting, “How people perceive us.”
“Back when we were taking suppressants regularly, I was mistaken as a beta so often,” She chuckles dryly, and Yeji brushes the back of her knuckles soothingly, a deep furrow set between her eyebrows. It’s not a big deal, it never was, but she can’t deny that admitting it out loud feels better, maybe Chaeryeong was right (as she often is), these things pile up and up and up, until you forget the weight you’re trying to carry.
“There are things I can never do, give or experience,” Ryujin sighs, “I’ve only just begun to understand and trying my best to accept those differences.”
Ryujin untangles their hands for a moment and reaches to cradle Yeji’s cheek, because despite how admitting all of this makes her feel like shit, she doesn’t want Yeji to think that she was the cause of it, not even for a second. This probably began long before Yeji, instead, she had been the catalyst for these revelations and hopefully growth.
“I’m sorry for how I was yesterday,” She says, hand falling back in her lap. “I’ve had a lot on my mind and I didn’t realise how much had piled up until I just…snapped.”
“Gosh, Ryujin.” Yeji squeezes her hand again. “You are an alpha,” She says, firm and unwavering. “You have always been. You’ve always been a leader at heart, fiercely loyal and relentless in your pursuit of your dreams.”
Ryujin stays quiet because her immediate reaction is to dismiss her words but she promised Chaeryeong that she’d do better.
“I look up to you a lot, you know?”
“What?” Ryujin says quietly, she was not expecting that. The soft smile on Yeji’s face both warms and makes her heart attempt summersaults.
“There are too many instances of alphas being horrible people just because they think they’re owed something,” Yeji says and cringes at the mere thought, “Being an alpha has never been about the physicality of it.”
“I love that you’ve never let your instincts speak for you. You care so deeply about those around you, through your words and your actions.” Yeji’s eyes practically sparkle as she speaks. “You’ve been an incredible role model for Yuna, you’ve shown her that there’s more to being an alpha than the marks, claims and ruts. How it’s a responsibility and duty.”
“Chaeryeong feels so safe with you. Even before you two started dating. It was clear that you gave her a sense of safety and comfort long before things got intimate.” Yeji brushes the back of her hand.
“I think a lot of alphas, a lot of people, could learn that from you.” She presses a kiss to the back of Ryujin’s hand, “You’re an example of what makes an alpha great.”
Ryujin’s heart skips a beat when Yeji pulls her into her arms, wrapping them securely around her waist. She is nowhere near as emotionally drained as she had been last night but she melts into Yeji’s strong and safe embrace nonetheless. She mumbles into Yeji’s shoulder, “Thank you.”
Yeji mutters into her shoulder, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Ryujin returns, humming softly when Yeji pets the back of her head.