Chapter Text
At 7:30, Spock rang at Kirk’s door.
Kirk had told him repeatedly that there was no need to ring; he’d given him perpetual access. They were practically sharing their spaces already. But Spock’s sense of decorum wouldn’t allow him to walk in on his senior officer without announcing himself.
Kirk received him, freshly showered and in civvies. Spock had just come from the lab, was still in uniform, and uncomfortably aware that his tunic smelled like chemicals.
“Everything good in the lab?”
“Yes, Jim.”
“And you’re all set for the landing party tomorrow?”
“All is prepared. There’s a short window of time for us to complete the assignment—but I concur that we can and should make a brief inspection of the site before deflecting the asteroid from the planet. We’ll be taking care not to be seen by the population, whose technology is pre-warp.”
“Not just pre-warp, from what I saw in the briefing, they’re strictly hunter-gatherers and agriculturists—they must’ve been transplanted by the Progenitors from North America on Earth no later than the early 18th century. Okay, good. We’ll take McCoy, and get in and out. Be nice to breath free-range air for half an hour. Drink?”
Kirk poured martinis. Spock, for whom alcohol was not an intoxicant, had come to appreciate the flavor of Kirk’s martinis. Or perhaps it was merely that they were prepared for him by the man he couldn’t get enough of. Regardless, the ritual of making and serving cocktails had become part of their mutual unwinding ritual.
Taking chairs, they drank. Kirk glanced uneasily around the room. “Have you thought any more about us appropriating one of the diplomatic guest suites? They’re seldom enough used, and we wouldn’t be so cramped. We could put visitors in these rooms instead.”
Spock understood the implication. “That would be conspicuous.”
“You’re not ready,” Kirk said, mildly, glancing at him. “Anyway, we could use a sofa. Let’s appropriate one from one of the crew lounges.”
“I will see to it,” Spock said, suddenly deciding not to wait for Kirk to open the real topic. “I am prepared to discuss our conflict.”
Kirk’s head jerked up. He frowned, before taking another long sip of his drink. Then he said, “You know you make me very happy.”
“—”
“You say conflict like it’s a death sentence to us. I just want to remind you—I love you, I love us. What I get from you … I never thought I’d find.”
Spock knew he was flushing deeply. Kirk leaned forward, took up his hand, and kissed it. “The thing is—”
“—the thing is I ‘drive you crazy’ by withholding what you assume to be a fundamental aspect of Vulcan mating, an inevitable completion if our relationship is to proceed to its logical outcome.”
“I want you to know I belong to you. That we belong to each other.”
Heat rose into Spock’s cheeks. He still wasn’t used to Kirk’s flagrant declarations. Nor to this entire situation, one he’d never thought would come about.
In a whisper, Spock said, “I possess that knowledge.”
Kirk looked at him, then his eyes cut away. “Uh— I didn’t tell you, but I asked M’Benga to put together a file. On the subject.”
Spock’s brows shot up. “The subject of me?”
“The subject of how Vulcans do relationships. From a physical, cultural, sociological standpoint. I figured, he might not know as much as you, but unlike you, he’d divulge.”
“And has he?” Kirk had promised discretion.
“I received his notes the other day, and just skimmed the summary—but nothing in what he provided me directly contradicts the impression I’ve been working from. So clearly I’m wrong somewhere, and you can put me right.”
Spock got up and began to pace.
“I didn’t tell him about us.”
Spock went on pacing. “I agreed to you telling McCoy.”
“Whom we can trust.”
“Your desire for information—”
“I’m sorry, Spock. But I don’t think M’Benga jumped to any conclusion. He believed my query was just a follow-up on our experience at Shi’Khar. My concern for my executive officer’s well-being after his engagement was broken.”
Spock took a breath. “Captain, I cannot perform the mind-meld with you.”
“Cannot? Or—”
“Dare not.”
“Then you want to?” Kirk leaned forward in his chair. “I’ve seen you do it, without ill effect to yourself. It seems perfectly natural to you. All Vulcan couples do it as a matter of course.”
“Despite my human traits, I have established sufficient control to do so in most circumstances as duty calls for. However, with you, in the way you wish for, it’s impossible.”
“Would it be so distasteful?”
“No.” Spock stopped pacing. “No. The opposite.”
Kirk’s face lit up, then seeing Spock’s non-response, fell.
“It is one thing to perform a meld in my line of duty, for a singular purpose. My experience with T’Pring since our childhood joining has shown me that the longer-term aspects of the connection are beyond my mastery.”
“I doubt that.” Kirk said it rather rudely; Spock knew that Kirk in his fondness and respect, thought nothing was beyond his mastery, and T’Pring hadn’t deserved him anyway.
“You cannot wish to be— subsumed—”
“You’re saying that entering my mind would cause you to—what? Freak out? Crush my psyche? Take me over? Could you do that? I don’t think you could or would.”
“Your confidence in me is most touching, however I cannot agree. Were I to attempt it while —”
“—we fuck?” Kirk supplied, unable to repress a grin.
“—that, my ability to limit and control the contact would certainly be … unstable. Moreover, I suspect my ineptitude in this matter could damage you in ways I could not foresee. As your first officer, I could not put you in that danger.”
“Why are you so sure you’re inept? T’Pring just wasn’t for you. Whereas, it’s obvious you and I are in sync, sexually, and— Even before we began—we’ve understood each other in a special way.”
“Another risk, again due to my ineptitude, would be the unintended and premature formation of a bond which could only be undone with the aid of a healer. A bond you tell yourself you want, but which you know little about.”
“I know you’d never force anything on me.”
“It would indeed not be my intention. My control cannot be relied upon.”
Kirk was about to comment, but Spock continued. “In other words, I am telling you that I cannot provide the joining that you imagine as so powerfully pleasurable and significant between us. Perhaps were I a full Vulcan, and more of an adept—but I am not.” He couldn’t bear to look at Kirk, and hung his head. He thought, but didn’t say, Were I a full Vulcan, we would not be lovers and this would not be a question.
Kirk came up to him, and lifted his chin. They regarded each other. Spock said, “And yet, I too am made happy by your attentions, and do not wish to disappoint you.
“My attentions? I love you, Spock. I want us to spend our lives together.”
“I can give you only my human aspect. If that cannot satisfy you, there is an impasse.”
“Do you love me, Spock?” Kirk took his face in his hands. “I know you do. You’ve told me, and I feel it. You’ve shown me, you sweet delicious man. And I trust you.”
“Jim—I’ve already said—”
“Yes, I heard you. I trust that you know what you’re talking about, and that you already give me so much. It’s already amazing beyond anything that I’ve ever known with anyone else.”
“Then you abjure the meld?”
“If that means will I reset my expectations, and go my way rejoicing, then yes. I abjure it. Please kiss me.”
Spock did.