Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Charles sat cross-legged on the couch of his father’s old office, reading an old Beatrix potter book he had found getting dusty on the bookshelves. It felt bizarre being here again, he was only 17 when he left, his whole life ahead of him; now Charles was approaching 30 and still felt as clueless as that boy. He had found some peace in these past few weeks of course, the group were all getting along, Erik had finally admitted his feelings to Charles on that road trip. It had been a week of bliss, finally for Charles it felt as if everything was falling into place. Off he went to Russia, and while it wasn’t exactly a honeymoon, the pair had spent the fleeting moments they had alone, together. Then they had to return. And he had been so naïve - Armando was gone. And now they returned to the house of the dead, Westchester, his personal hell. But here it was nice. Growing up no one ever went into his father’s study. It had been Brian Xavier’s hiding place for years, with only Charles passing the threshold to ask for a story, which was always reluctantly given. After he died, there was no use for the room anymore, too painful for Charles and his mother to go in, not worth the emotional fallout for Kurt to enter. In some ways it had become a shrine to Brian, and now it was the only place that hadn’t been tainted by nightmares.

“I thought you were smart enough to be reading adult books by now?” Erik entered with two glasses and a bottle of champagne. Charming as ever.

“This one used to be my favourite when I was little” Charles opened the page to a drawing of a cat wrapped tightly in string, seemingly trying to free itself. “The rats here are turning him into a dumpling. They’re buttering him up and planning on cooking and eating him”

“Right… do you want me to pour you some or are you still reminiscing”

“You’re right, pour me glass” Charles slapped the book shut and tossed it on the floor

“Cheers” the pair clinked their glasses. “Lets hope this time things go to plan, and none of us have to suffer anymore” Erik uttered softly and guided Charles’ head onto his shoulder.

“It keeps haunting me you know” Charles can’t even look at Erik as he utters the words, despite this man being one of the only who could truly understand, “If we had been here instead of off in Russia, maybe no one would have had to die”

“If we hadn’t gone, we never would have found out what Shaw is planning. Then we’d have no chance of stopping him right?” Erik lifted Charles’ head to look into his eyes “If we stayed then maybe it would have been you that was hurt by shaw”

“I wouldn’t have minded” Charles turned away and started gulping down his drink like a man who had been stranded in the desert for days, pouring himself an overfilled glass in his haste to drown his thoughts.

Erik sensing he was losing Charles took his hand “Hey, first night back home in a long time. Why don’t you show me where your old room is and we could play a game?”

Charles smiled. Erik was trying and he appreciated that, and perhaps it had been a long day. Him and Erik had drank together while they were on their road trip, hell the drinking had been the only reason they had got together in the first place. Sure it wasn’t the prettiest of love stories, Charles had been aware of Erik’s feelings for him within days of the pair working together in Langley, but he had felt it was an invasion of Erik’s privacy if he used that knowledge to his advantage. So when Charles had suggested they go drinking in the hotel bar it really had been innocent, it just so happened that Erik when he drank became a lot more confident, and before they knew it there was no need to book two hotel rooms. Even so though, Charles knew that Erik had begun noticing how much he drank, again he’d not intentionally found out Erik’s thoughts, people’s judgements of him he’d really rather not know about. These concerns instead were more surface thoughts Charles couldn’t help overhearing. But it didn’t matter, for tonight he would follow Erik, as long as this trying to keep him sober didn’t become a habit.

 

---

 

“Mein Gott this house is massive”

Charles blushed sheepishly as he opened the door to what was once his room. It really had not changed since he left, he was quite grateful his teenage self had cleaned the room before leaving. Stepping in he traced the old bookshelves that had practically been ransacked to fill the rooms of his Oxford home. Erik followed not far behind, taking in the luxuries of a childhood he never had.

“Here it is” Charles pulled out a beautiful ebony board, accompanied with a matching wooden box holding the pieces. Two armchairs sat at the corner of the room and Charles pulled a small side table between them, placing the chess set on top.

Charles picked up two pawns and held out his two closed fists to Erik. “Right or Left”

“Right”

Charles opened his fist revealing the black pawn. “Alright lets play”

 

---

 

“I wonder how they’re settling in” Charles mumbled, considering his next move

“I think I heard Raven giving them a house tour, and with the size of this place” Erik checked his watch “yeah it’s probably still ongoing”

Charles snorted moving his knight forward

“I’m more wondering how you’re settling in” Erik’s queen took another one of Charles’ pawn’s

Charles raised an eyebrow “What do you mean? I used to live here I don’t need to settle in”

“You know that's not what I mean” Erik pressed

Charles looked down from Erik’s gaze. The reality was he knew exactly what Erik was referring to but hoped that ignoring it would make the topic go away.

“You don't want to talk about it then?”

“Talk about what?” Charles replied, knowing exactly what Erik was about to say next

“What happened to Darwin? Or maybe why since we’ve entered this house you haven’t been acting like yourself?”

Charles didn’t know how to respond. Maybe he did want to talk about it, about how these teenagers were his responsibility and that it was his fault that something happened. It was him who found Armando through cerebro, it was him who got everyone involved with the CIA, and now it was him who was getting these teenagers, hell his own sister, caught up in a fight with a nuclear maniac. Maybe he wanted to talk about the fact that it was these failings that have led him to be stuck in this house, where he swore he would never step foot in again, and yet never had the guts to sell. One constant in his life had been failure and pain, and now he had Erik, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to mess it all up again. Or maybe it was Erik who would save him from the emptiness that underlay everything in his life.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it”

Erik looked down and moved his pawn out of the way, giving Charles’ bishop an easy route to Erik’s king

“Check”

“Check”

“Checkmate”

Erik held out his hand “good game my friend”

Charles hesitantly shook it “I know that you let me win”

“Perhaps but only because I’m tired”

Charles shook his head “I don’t need you to baby me” Standing up, he walked over to his wardrobe, throwing an old pair of pyjamas onto the bed

Erik stayed stationary in his chair, the concern painted on his face as he watched Charles frustratedly get ready for bed.

“Well! Are you coming or what?!” Charles yelled frustratedly

Erik chuckled “I wasn’t sure if I was invited”

Charles’ tone softened “of course you’re invited, now do you want me to get you something to sleep in”

“No I’ll sleep in my boxers because I'm not a little boy”

Charles glared at him playfully “Sorry I think… It’s just all been a bit much for me”

“I know” Erik pulled himself under the covers “lets just sleep it off, you might feel better in the morning”

 

---

 

Charles woke up to empty space beside him. Of course Erik didn’t really have the guts to spend the night, Charles couldn’t blame him really, the stakes were high with their kind of relationship already without the CIA being involved, but that shouldn’t mean he couldn’t wish for something different. After a few minutes of fighting with himself, he finally pulled himself out of bed and got dressed, wearing a light blue button up with a navy jumper over the top. He could hear the commotion downstairs so he knew the others were up, and probably managing to burn breakfast. He knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help the nerves of having to go down to the kitchen and face them, he had avoided all of them except Erik yesterday and he knew how much they looked up to him as a leader, he wasn't sure if he was ready to be that.

Taking a breath and building himself up for a minute, Charles pushed himself out the door, forcing that boyish smile on.

“Morning everyone!” He beamed

“Morning sleepyhead” Raven smirked at him “even Sean woke up before you”

Charles walked over to the kettle, pouring himself an earl grey tea, “Nothing wrong with getting a good night's sleep, where's Erik by the way”

“I think he’s having a shower after he woke me up at the crack going for a run” Alex sighed

Charles tried to push away the images that flashed in his mind, knowing Raven was staring at him as he could feel a blush creeping up on his face.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” Sean started yelling as his attempt at French toast somehow burst into flames.

Suddenly, the hob turned itself off and the pan moved off the heat.

“And for once I thought maybe we could have an uneventful morning” Erik sauntered in

Charles immediately swivelled around, his face lighting up in an instant. “Erik, how was your run”

“The grounds are a lot bigger than I thought, which seems to be the case with everything in this house” Erik smiled at him

“Right. Erik can you help me get some things out of the pantry, I think this toast business is a lost cause but we can probably manage porridge”

“Ughhh I hate porridge" Sean moaned

“Well you should have thought about that before you tried to burn the house down” Charles tapped Erik on the shoulder, who then followed the younger man out of the room

“Something funny is going on there,” Raven muttered. Hank, fully engrossed in the morning paper, didn’t respond. Raven kicked his leg under the table forcing his attention.

“What?” he yelped

“Do you not think it’s a little odd they spend all of yesterday together and then Charles uses the first excuse he can get this morning to get Erik alone”

“I think that's just what friends do”

Raven hummed, her gut told her there was something going on there, she just couldn’t prove it yet.

 

---

 

Charles pulled Erik into the pantry and then pushed him against the walls, nearly knocking jars of god knows what off the shelves. He pulled Erik into a deep kiss, his hands kneading through Erik’s wet hair.

“Someone’s desperate” Erik chuckled breathlessly as they pulled apart

Charles playfully hit him “I missed you after I woke up to an empty bed”

Erik’s face dropped, his eyes full of guilt and pity “Charles” he hushed, his hand brushing the hair out of Charles’ face “you know I couldn’t stay. What if they saw”

“But they didn’t, no one just walks into my bedroom”

“How do you know, what if you were asleep when it happened? What if they had set that thing on fire and we were still in bed, you don’t think they would have ran into your room? And even if they don’t go into your room, what if they saw us leaving it together? What would they think?”

“No one's thinking anything, remember” Charles pointed to his head

“How can you know if you refuse to look in their heads?”

“Charles’ expression turned sour “I know you don't like the idea of it but I can hear everyone’s thoughts all the time. I’m sure if someone was thinking that, wouldn’t they basically be shouting it?”

“Okay, but I just want to make sure it stays that way”

“I can always them forget if they ever did see”

“Would you though? Would Raven ever forgive you if you did that to her? Would your morals ever let you?”

Charles looked down knowing he couldn’t answer that honestly

“Maybe someone like Moira, who you don’t feel like you have a responsibility over, but you couldn’t do it to those teens could you?”

Charles turned and grabbed the pot of porridge oats

“Where are you going?” Erik grabbed Charles’ arm

“To eat. They’ll get suspicious if we’re in here too long” Charles muttered.

Chapter Text

“Hey! The president’s about to make his address” Moira shouted from out the window. Such a shame Erik thought, no moment seemed private to them anymore. From the elation of having moved the Satellite dish to now the reality was setting in. Charles seemed more than happy to brush him off and join the others but Erik wasn't so sure if that was what for show or not. He often wished he was the mind reader, sometimes it felt as if Charles was so good at acting fine that it was impossible to ever tell if he was or not.

The president’s mention of Cuba led to a wave of recognition in the room that this was it. The end of a search which had taken up the majority of his life. He couldn’t help but worry this was bound to fail, like with his attempt on the Caspartina.

Failure. It felt odd to describe that night like that now. The night he met Charles and his life changed forever. Maybe Cuba was bound to end the same way; their lives forever changed.

Are You okay? Something on your mind

As if you even have to ask

I told you I don’t just go snooping in people’s heads, I can’t help but hear surface thoughts-

Pssst Okay, I was only kidding. I want to go to your room now and fuck you until…

Christ Erik it’s the middle of the day

What if this is it.

 

 

- - -

 

 

What if this is it.

The words rang through Charles’ head for the rest of the day. He hadn't really considered it, which is stupid because this entire mission had been about preparing for a battle to prevent nuclear war. Still, it seemed hardly real that tomorrow could be the end. They could really all die for this.

The selfish side of him obviously began to panic about his own mortality. He was still so young, had done so little really, and to get involved in this life threatening of a mission, for what. Really it was Moira’s fault he was in this position, well the CIA’s really. Oh who was he kidding, he chose this, this entire mission, bringing the teenagers into this, convincing Erik to stay, continuing in his old home after the attack, all of this was his fault. So when does the bravery kick in? He was stuck here staring at his pale face in the mirror, watching his chest rise and fall faster and faster, his arms burning from the instinctive scratching.

“Everything okay?” Erik entered right on cue

“Yeah, um not really”

“I know,” Erik sighed, lowering himself down onto Charles’ bed, staring at the pair’s reflections in the old mirror. The frame was some sort of metal although Erik wasn’t entirely sure what. It had a gold paint job which had faded over the years, leaving it with an almost copper colour, although far more dirty than that. The metal had etchings on it of vines climbing up the frame, and yet despite all of this beauty, it couldn’t engulf Charles’ reflection. The man he loved who was now picking at every spot on his face, maybe because he wanted to use the pain to distract himself, or maybe he truly believed he had some sort of imperfection that needed to be fixed before their fates tomorrow. As if Gan Eden or Heaven would not accept him without it, as if anything out there even exists.

Erik’s sigh startled Charles a little

“I don’t know if I can do this Erik. I don't know if I have it in me”

“Shh what are you talking about Liebling” Erik stood up and pulled Charles away from the Mirror “all you have done this week is show us that we do have it in us.”

“If we do survive this” Charles looked right into Erik’s eyes “then you have to promise me that you won’t hide anymore”

Erik scoffed “I’m not hiding”

Charles pushed away frustrated “You are such a liar, all I want is to be with you, for real, and you can’t even say yes to that”

“We are together, for real, I don’t know what you want”

“What I want is to be able to wake up in the morning and see you lying next to me, I want to be able to do things without this constant anxiety surrounding everything, I want you to be mine. Sometimes it feels as if you are the only one in a relationship, getting everything and giving nothing back”

“I do give back, I’m sorry I care enough about your safety that I don’t do things in public. I’m sorry for wanting this to be private”

Charles, clearly fed up, dropped onto the bed. Before he could lie back, Erik grabbed the back of his neck, straddling the younger man, and launched into a kiss. Deeper and harder is all Erik could think about now, anything to get his mind off tomorrow or the argument. The reality was he didn't believe he could love anyone more than he loved Charles. Kissing before had felt slightly dirty, fine at best, but he always saw them as a means to an end. Often doing it for some vital information, not for any real connection. But that first time with Charles, it was the first time he felt like he really connected with anyone, first time he really understood the appeal of opening yourself up to someone else, whether it was physical or emotional. He guessed he still hadn’t gotten very good at the emotional part though but who could blame him.

 As Charles’ lips moved down his neck, nothing really mattered. If they died tomorrow it would still have all been worth it. Everything that has happened to him. Everything that he has done. In that moment he was in full acceptance.

Charles pressed himself against Erik’s hard on. Continuing the kiss, with his free hand he unzipped Erik’s fly and wrapped his hand around his cock. As he began to rub, he slipped his tongue into Erik’s mouth and used his other hand to pull on his hair.

This was complete ecstasy Erik thought. In his dying thoughts this is what he would see, this is where he would be. He was completely convinced that it would be the end tomorrow, that it would be okay, Charles would be okay. Maybe he would go back to Oxford and continue his research or maybe he would stay here and continue teaching teenage mutants. Either way he would be okay. Maybe he would find someone else, that would be okay, he deserved it. Obviously it would hurt him a little but then again he would be dead so really he would never know. He was lucky enough to have lived in this time where he was able to meet Charles Francis Xavier. He had made peace with it, if only death felt as good as this.

Erik moaned into Charles’ mouth as he came, clutching the younger man closer as he finished.

Out of breath Erik panted “do you want me to do you next?”

Charles stood up and shook his head “I’m too stressed about tomorrow to be turned on, its okay though I’ll clean up”

 

---

 

It didn’t take long for Erik to fall asleep; Charles’ pulse couldn’t stop bordering on a heart attack though. He never really thought of himself as afraid of death. Last time he found himself living in this house he was considering death every other day or so. He had ended rationalising that suicide was far too violent for him, he was too much of a wimp to ever really commit to it, he’d instead hoped for a long time that one day he would just stop existing and that would be that. He should have been smart enough to realise that's not exactly how it works, if you keep trudging along in life then eventually you wake up at 28 realising you’re living a future you never really planned for yourself. Obviously the circumstances were different now though. He had people who depended on him now, not just Raven, although he always believed that if something did happen to him she would be alright, but also Hank, Alex and Sean. And now he had Erik, and as much as they fought, he couldn’t really be much happier. The fighting was only out of desire for more happiness with him. That was the difference now, he had a reason to keep going.

All of this was circling through his head over and over and over again.

He turned over to his alarm clock to see the time.

3am

Great. Still a few hours before he could reasonably get out of bed.

Well then again, these were exceptional circumstances.

He slipped out of bed, careful to make sure he didn’t shake Erik awake. He thought about it for a minute, this was the first time he had ever even seen Erik sleeping. Finally he got what he wanted he guessed, but at this time he couldn’t really be bothered staring at Erik’s face. He needed to do something.

 

---

 

Erik’s hand felt the empty space beside him before his eyes had a chance to open. To say it was disappointing was an understatement, He guessed he could understand Charles’ frustrations now. On today of all days, to not wake up to Charles’ pretty sleeping face felt like a bad omen to say the least, then again after their fight yesterday he supposed he deserved a taste of his own medicine.

Charles was sat at the kitchen table, staring into a steaming cup of tea.

“How long have you been up?”

“2 hours I think” Charles responded, his voice barely louder than a whisper

“How many of these have you had” Erik tapped the mug

“Too many” Charles chuckled “I’ve got to make sure I don’t end up wetting myself while we’re in Cuba”

“Honestly, I feel the same except I haven’t had anything to drink”

Charles gave a half hearted laugh

“Raven’s waking up now, same with Alex and Moira and I don’t think Sean got any sleep last night” Charles turned to Erik more seriously

“What about Hank?” Erik responded

“He’s not here, I’m not exactly sure where he’s gone but I haven’t been able to feel him since I’ve been awake.”

“Have you looked for him” Erik was alarmed, he wasn’t going to let some spotty teenager fuck this up for him

“No” Charles took a sip of his tea “I didn’t want to panic everyone, I have complete confidence in Hank that he didn’t run away last minute”

Erik looked at him in complete disbelief

“Also I saw a note he left on the door of the lab. Gosh you really have no faith”

“I’ve been burned too many times” Erik gave him a playful shove “come on lets see what he’s been up to”

 

---

 

This was it.

This was his moment.

Erik boarded the blackbird filled with nothing but determination.

Nothing but determination and admiration for the man sat opposite him. Charles buckled himself in and spoke confidently to the group. Erik wasn’t really listening, he knew exactly what he had to do. It was incredible though, how the man in front of him, yesterday seemed so fragile and scared, now was leading them all into battle, like a commander of a great army. Into the valley of death, rode the six hundred. Well not quite.

Erik just hoped when it happened that he would be right back in that moment with Charles. Their mouths entangled into one. When it is over it will just be them together.

But first, duty calls.