Chapter Text
October 31st 1989
It was Halloween in Hawkins, a holiday that used to be Mike's favorite because he always spent it with his friends.
Now he's celebrating their favorite holiday, without them, without Will.
Mike was forcing himself to put on a front for Holly because he was taking her trick-or-treating and wanted her to enjoy the holiday as he used to when he was her age.
All day, he has been daydreaming about the Halloweens he spent in Hawkins with his friends.
Every Halloween, Dustin, Lucas, and Will would set out to hit every house to get as much candy as possible.
Once they hit every house, they would go back to Mike's to trade candy and eat as much as they could without getting sick.
Looking back on his childhood memories before The Upside Down and Vecna, he always smiles. He would relive his childhood all over again if there were an option to avoid The Upside Down.
His mind drifted to the hangouts with Will, the days they spent together, where they didn't even have to talk to know what the other person was thinking. Mike cherished those memories the most.
Thinking back on the good times he had, Mike wants to give Holly a full lecture on always cherishing moments like these with her friends.
Mostly because he doesn't want Holly to become anything like him when she's older, he doesn't want her to push everyone away or live as a recluse, when she's supposed to be exploring the world around her.
Mike stares at himself in the mirror as he puts his plastic fangs in his mouth and subconsciously mumbles, "Time to join your friends, sorcerer."
Mike cringes at himself, but the realization hits him that maybe he should join his friends; he still has time.
Who knew that something you said to your best friend that you definitely weren't in love with while being a Dungeon Master would actually help snap you out of the melancholy you have been living in?
He regrets not moving to New York with Will; he also regrets not calling Will by now.
He should join his friends, he should be present in his life, and, most importantly, tell Will he loves him back.
Will would not want Mike to be miserable like he is now; he would want to help Mike, bring him back to his state of happiness.
Before he could get too deep in his thoughts, Holly barged in and yelled that it was time to go.
Mike glanced at himself in the mirror, wearing his cheap fangs and cape, and scoffed at himself.
Once they left the front door, Mike immediately felt the cold autumn air against his skin.
He smiled as he saw all the children happily running to each house, smiling.
Mike and Holly had been to at least twenty houses by now, but he knew she still wanted to visit a few more.
As Mike was waiting on the sidewalk for Holly. He noticed something out of the corner of his eye: a young boy in a Ghostbusters costume with a bowl cut, similar to Wills.
He froze; he felt his heartbeat through his ribs in his chest. He started to breathe rapidly, his arms raised to cover his chest as if he was hugging himself.
Mike knew that wasn't Will; it was impossible, but the sight reminded him of the hole in his heart that Will had once filled.
Holly ran over to Mike with a worried look.
She started to shake his shoulders, but Mike still stood there staring at the boy.
"Mike, are you okay? You're scaring me?" She asked nervously.
He was unable to answer; he just stood there motionless.
Holly glanced over to where Mike was looking and realized what was happening.
"Hey Mike, come on, let's go home," Holly said as she lightly grabbed his hand.
Mike started to come back to reality as he followed Holly home, no longer looking at young Will's doppelgänger.
"Holly, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your trick or treating. We can keep going," Mike said wearily.
"Mike, it's okay, I already got so much candy, and it's getting kinda late."
"Okay, only if you're sure, we can go back home."
"Yeah, I'm sure. But Mike, look at me, I know you miss him."
Mike glanced at her and noticed the worry on his sister's face.
"Why won't you just talk to him? You can still be friends even if he's in New York." Holly said with confusion.
Mike looked at Holly as a tear streamed down her cheek. "It's complicated, Holly."
Once they walked back into the house, Mike hugged Holly goodnight and made her promise not to eat all the candy tonight and to brush her teeth afterward.
As soon as his bedroom door shut, his back slid against the door, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, and he began to sob.
His mind went back to Halloween, when he and Will promised each other that they would go crazy together.
Mike had broken that promise.
Because Mike was going crazy, and he didn't let Will go crazy with him.
He left Will thinking Mike did not want to speak to him due to the love Will had for him, that he wanted nothing to do with him, which was far from the truth.
He had to fix it.
Mike knew he had to stop suppressing his feelings. He had to get them out, he had to admit to himself, to be comfortable with people knowing he loved Will.
Mike wanted to call Will as soon as he got home, but he couldn't. He promised himself he would not talk to Will until he was comfortable with who he was.
He glanced over to his desk and grabbed an empty journal.
Until Mike can say how he feels out loud, he will write it.
A part of him knows that whenever he is ready, Will won't believe him. He would believe that Mike is making it up, that the love Mike feels so deeply for Will isn't real.
This journal will be physical proof for Will, as the painting is for Mike.
November 1st, 1989
Dear Will,
First off, I apologize for not calling you yet. I am going to explain, I promise.
I love you too, with everything in me. I love you so much it hurts.
Your letter was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I never believed my love for you would be returned; I never thought I would be lucky enough to be loved by someone as pure as you.
I know you’re going to ask, "When did I know that I was in love with you?" If I am being honest with myself, I think I have always been in love with you, even before I knew what love was. As you said in your letter, the day we met on the swings, I felt like something inside me changed just because you chose me to be in your life. I felt a wave of pure happiness and peace wash over me when you agreed to be my friend, Will. It was the best thing I have ever done. I believe that if we hadn’t met on the swings that day, we would have met somewhere else. I feel as if the world would always bring us together, as if our souls were destined to collide into one.
But I will answer your question: when was I sure that I was, in fact, in love with you? It was the day you moved to Lenora; the minute the car left your driveway, I felt a part of my soul ripped out. I have never been good at functioning without you by my side. I become a different person, one I despise. Without the warmth of your soul around me, I have nothing to remind me of the good in me. You are the sun that continues to shine on me even when I don’t deserve it.
You were all I ever thought about when you were in Lenora. I kept imagining what your life was like, whether you made any new friends, and whether you missed me. It confused me because I was dating El, but I didn't think about her the way I thought about you. Will, there are so many letters I never sent you while you were in Lenora, because then you would have known my feelings for you, and I was so scared.
I felt like something was wrong with me at first. I had a girlfriend, but I couldn’t love her. I tried so hard.
I couldn’t even hug you at the airport, even though it was the thing I wanted to do the most, because I was scared that if I hugged you, I would imagine kissing you. So I held myself back, I created a distance, one I never wanted, because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, the only thing that gives me strength, a purpose.
When you gave me the painting in the van, I wanted it to be from you, not El. I wanted the words that were coming out of your mouth to be your words for me, not El’s. And now that I know they are, I can’t stare at that painting without missing you so fucking much. I still can’t believe you love me back, Will. I cherish that painting as a reminder of the love you pour into me, that you pour into the world.
I'm not scared anymore. I know the only person I will ever love is you.
You have always been the last piece to the puzzle of my life; without you, I am incomplete.
Will, if I am being honest with you, I’m not doing well. I have been struggling for a while. It isn’t just about me being gay, Will. I feel like everyone is moving on with their life, and I am stuck, stuck not knowing who I want to be. For the first time, I am trying to figure out what I want, not what other people would want me to want. My family has been worried about me. I have been isolating myself from them, missing lectures, missing dinners. I am trying really hard to be easy on myself, but I am failing.
Some days I don’t even truly know why I’m upset; most days, I just feel empty, like a numbness that won’t go away. I just want to be happy again.
The days are passing by way too fast, and I am losing time, losing you.
I wish I liked who I was as a person. Instead, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see all the mistakes I have made in my life, the ones I’m continuing to make.
I wish I were like you, I wish I were as comfortable with being gay, I wish I could say it out loud, by myself out loud. One day, I will be able to say it out loud, Will, I promise.
Holly is worried about me, Will. On Halloween, I saw a young boy in a Ghostbusters costume with the same bowl cut you had, and I froze. I had a panic attack, and Holly had to snap me out of it. She asked me why I don’t call you, and I told her that it’s complicated, because it is.
As much as it hurts me, I am not letting myself talk to you until I can be okay with who I am, until I am done hiding from not just myself but everyone. You deserve that, Will, you deserve to be loved out in the open, not a secret. I will never let you be my secret. I can’t allow myself to cause you any more confusion than I already have. I hope you understand why I am doing this, Will. I hope you will forgive me once you find out why. I want to emphasize again that not talking to you is killing me, but you deserve to talk to a Mike who is 100% ready for you; you deserve everything.
I miss you so much, I love you so much.
November 5th, 1989
Mike went to the phone in the basement and dialed Jonathan's number. After a few rings, he picked up the phone.
"Hi Jonathan, it's Mike."
"Mike, why are you calling me?" Jonathan asked in a sharp tone.
"Jonathan, please listen. I don't know if Will told you anything, but please hear me out."
"Mike, why can't you just call Will? He's really upset. Do you know that? Look, if you don't feel the same way back, you can still be his friend, Mike. It's been months, months, Mike. You're doing the same thing you did in Lenora, you really don't care about him, do you?"
Mike felt his eyes sting with tears he was holding back.
"Jonathan, please," Mike's voice started to crack.
"I know I should have called Jonathan, but I can't yet, I can't yet, okay?"
"And why is that, Mike?"
"Because I love him, Jonathan, I love him so fucking much. But I can't call him until I am ready to come to terms with what loving him means."
Jonathan's voice softened. "Oh, Mike, are you okay?"
"Not really, I'm scared, I want to be ready for Will, but I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready to tell my parents, or anyone, I'm really scared. And it's not fair for me to tell Will I love him when I can't love him out loud, it's not fair, Jonathan." He started to sob as he let the truth spill out of him.
"Mike, look, I'm here for you, and Nancy will be there for you, too. I know it's scary; I saw Will go through the same thing. Have you told anyone at all?"
"You're the first person I told, please don't tell Nancy I'm not ready."
"I'm proud of you for telling me, Mike, and I will always love and support you. Please know that nothing is wrong with you; you are still Mike Wheeler, and who you love does not change who you are. I was just upset at first because I don't like to see Will hurt. nd I promise I won't tell Nancy or anyone, I would never do that to you, Mike."
"Thank you, Jonathan, thank you so much. Don't I want to hurt Will? I never want to hurt him, Jonathan. I love him so much, but I need to learn to love who I am before I tell him. I don't think it will only hurt him more. Do you mind if I call you sometimes, to see if he's okay? I need to know he's okay."
Mike heard Jonathan sigh on the other end of the phone.
"Mike, he would kill me if he found out, but yes, you can call me. But listen, not all the time, the most you can call is once a week to check on him, okay?"
Mike smiled softly. "Jonathan, thank you so much. Not only for that but for listening to me, I'm glad Will has you as a brother."
"I'll always be here for you, Mike. Take care of yourself, and I believe in you, and I know Will does too, don't take too long if possible, I know he misses you."
"Thank you, Jonathan. I miss him too."
November 6th 1989
Dear Will,
I came out to someone for the first time in my life yesterday. I hope you're proud of me. The crazy thing is that it was your brother, I know, weird, right? And you know, he is actually a really nice person when he doesn't constantly want to kill me. I'm glad you have him as a brother; he really helped me yesterday. So, please don't kill him for talking to me. I will explain it all to you when I see you again.
I hope everything is going well. I wonder what friends you made, what you're currently painting, if you figured out the subway system, and your favorite places to eat. A part of me also wonders if you found a boyfriend, but I try to stop thinking about it because the thought of someone else kissing you makes me want to pass out. Oh, I am going to change the subject because my knuckle gripping the pen is starting to turn white due to the thought of you having a boyfriend.
I just wanted to say I love you and I will always love you. I am getting closer to loving myself, too.
I miss you so much, I love you so much.
December 3rd 1989
Dear Will,
I hope you don’t hate me. I hope you will forgive me for how long it has been taking me to come to terms with who I am. I guess it’s hard to do something that you haven’t been able to do your whole life. Honestly, I feel as if I have been an actor in my life. Forcing myself to be someone everyone wanted me to be, a good son, a good boyfriend, a good friend. And the worst part is, I couldn’t even be good at those half the time.
I’m trying to forgive myself, Will. I really want to forgive myself for all the damage I have caused you and El. I never deserved El, I should have broken it off with her when I realized how I felt for you, but I was scared, so scared. If I broke up with her, the walls I built up would crumble and fall as if they never even existed. Breaking up with her would have forced me to submit to the fact that I could never be happy dating a woman, and I was scared; I was weak.
And I hurt you so bad, you were in love with me and had to see me with El almost every day. Fuck, Will I told you, “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls.” I can’t imagine how that must have hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry, Will. I always promised myself I would never do anything to hurt you, but I did so many times.
All of the horrible things I have done, yet you still choose to love me, you choose not to resent me. You love me as if I never gave you a reason not to.
I’m getting stronger, Will, I am, and I am doing it for you, for us. In my heart, I know we were made for each other, a soul connection, one that no one can replace. I miss your voice, I miss staring at your face, I always got lost in the flecks of gold in your eyes. I miss getting lost looking at the mole above your lip, the lips I want to kiss so badly.
Please give me grace, Will. I hope you don’t hate me for not talking to you. But if I talk to you before I am ready, then I won’t be what you need me to be. Just hearing your voice will make me book a plane ticket to New York, and I can’t do that, Will, not until I love myself. Will, your soul makes me want to be a better person —a person who loves and accepts myself, a person who would never hide my love for you.
I miss you, I love you.
December 25th 1989
Merry Christmas, Will.
I hope Jonathan was able to give you your gift. I asked him to promise not to say it was from me, so don't be mad at him.
I'm not sure which art you're working on, so I got watercolor paints, charcoal sticks, graphite pencils, acrylic paint, oil pastels, and new paint brushes.
I went a bit overboard, but I wanted you to have a good Christmas. I miss you so much.
I had a good Christmas; it would have been better if I had spent it with you. But we will spend so many Christmases together, I know we will.
I miss you, I love you.
February 15th, 1990
I haven't missed any classes since the new semester started, and I have been spending more time with my family. I'm starting to feel less empty.
My days are getting brighter; they don't feel as gray as they used to. I'm starting to live my life, actually present as the person I want to be. I'm making progress, Will, and I can't wait until you see this new version of me.
I miss you, I love you.
March 20th 1990
Jonathan told me you have made a lot of friends, which I'm not surprised about. You are the most amazing person in the world; people flock to you because you make everyone feel seen, and it's rare to find people like that.
I hope you don't hate me. I'm making progress. I think I'm going to come out to Nancy soon. I'm really nervous, Will, because I don't know how she will react. Do you think she will take it well?
Anyway, I miss you so much, I love you so much.
April 2nd, 1990
WILL!
You won't believe it! I told Nancy, " I told Nancy.
She held me as I cried and told me that she still loves me no matter what. She told me she was proud of me and would always be proud of me.
I told her about what's going on between us and how I have been feeling mentally. I don't understand why I never tell people how I feel inside. Once I told her, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
She asked if I wanted her there when I told our parents, and I do, but I have to be able to do it alone.
I'm really lucky to have Nancy. I'm glad you have Jonathan.
Nancy told me she always thought that I and I would end up together. Hopefully, we still do.
I miss you, I love you, always.
November 10th, 1990
Hey Will,
I wonder what you're doing right now. So, at times, in my head, I imagine what your life in New York is like and how your apartment is set up. Imagine the apartment lit by warm lamps, the room glowing with an amber light, the walls covered with some of your artwork and pictures of your family and friends. I wonder if there are any pictures of me there, or if there were. Maybe you tore them off your wall because I wasn't talking to you. I wouldn't blame you.
Do you like taking the subway? Is it scary? If I were you, I would get lost, but you know I'm directionally challenged.
When I start to feel numb, I imagine you walking to class. Imagine you in an oversized yellow hoodie, wearing your favorite dark navy jeans and black Converse. Imagine your hair curls falling into the exact right place, a little messy but perfectly beautiful on you. Imagine you are holding your books, your hands clenching them, covered in dry paint. Imagine your eyes, the golden flecks that always made me catch my breath, the dark lashes above them, your lips, slightly chapped due to the cold weather.
Sometimes I imagine myself walking with you, one hand holding your books, the other holding yours, our fingers intertwined like they were always meant to be. My mind starts to drift off to kissing your chapped lips, doing what I should have done so long ago.
When I imagine you, the empty feeling goes away. I'm getting close, Will.
I hope you had a good day. I can't wait until I don't have to imagine your face anymore.
I miss you so much, I love you so much.
October 31st, 1990
Happy Halloween, Will!
I was going trick-or-treating with Holly, but she ditched me to go with her friends, how rude.
I have other news, though, amazing news. I came out to my mom and my dad, too. I actually did it, Will. I REALLY DID IT. It went better than I expected with my mom.
Ted looked at me, called me a disappointment, said I ruined our family, and grunted before leaving the room. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting from him, but it’s better it wasn’t worse. It still hurt a lot, though. Maybe he will be okay with who I am one day.
My mom was really supportive and told me she would always love me and not to let my father get to me; that he would come around. She held me while I cried afterward, telling me I was strong and that nothing was wrong with me. I’ve never been this happy, Will. I am going to call you tomorrow, I promise.
I miss you so fucking much, I love you so fucking much.
November 1st, 1990
Well, I broke another promise.
Before I called you, I called to tell Jonathan.
That's how I learned you got a boyfriend. I was too late, I'm always too fucking late.
I don't want to ruin your happiness. I have done that too many times already.
I miss you so fucking much, but I know you would hate me if I called you right after you found someone.
It would be unfair of me to do that to you. So I can't
Don't worry, Will, I'll call you one day, but I can't do it now.
I am going to be okay, even though I am really fucking not okay with you having a boyfriend, because I ruined my opportunity and chance to be your boyfriend.
But I am still happy that I accepted myself, out loud, to other people. I know you would be proud of me, and I really wish I could tell you.
I miss you, I love you.
February 10th 1991
I miss you so much it hurts.
I know you are still with your boyfriend. I heard his name is Carlton.
Stupid fucking name, like seriously, who names their child that?
Jesus, I swear, if he doesn't treat you right, I will kill him. If I find out he does anything to you, I am taking a plane ride to New York to kill him.
After I make sure he is out of the picture, I will kiss you until I can't breathe, only if you want, of course.
I miss you, I love you.
March 5th 1991
I hope your classes are going well. I wonder if you like your professors. I wish I could see what paintings you have been working on. I wish I could be your boyfriend.
I miss you, I love you.
May 20th 1991
Mike was sitting at his desk, trying to finish a short story for his assignment, which was due tomorrow. He was trying his best to concentrate, but his mind was somewhere else.
In his mind, he was imagining punching Carlton, for what reason? Mike told himself there didn’t need to be a reason; he just hated him for taking Will from him.
In his head, Carlton was the epitome of evil, possibly even worse than Vecna himself.
Mike wonders if he likes the things that Will likes, but with a name like Carlton, he can’t imagine him playing DND, painting, or reading comics.
He imagines Carlton having the most boring hobby. Golf, he probably plays fucking golf like a loser. God, he can’t even imagine Will dating someone who plays golf.
Downstairs, he hears the phone ring and doesn’t even hesitate to go down because he is too busy imagining hitting Carlton with a golf club.
“Mike, Max is on the phone; she needs to talk to you,” Karen yelled from the kitchen.
Mike froze. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. Why the fuck does Max want to talk to me? She’s the only one who refuses to talk to me.
“Mike,” Karen yelled louder.
“Coming,” Mike yelled back as he frantically went downstairs.
“Uh, hello,” Mike said nervously.
“Mike, I need to know what happened between you and Will?” Max snapped.
“He didn’t tell you?”
“No, he didn’t, but he’s acting weird, and he’s cutting my calls short, and I’m worried about him. Have you talked to him?”
“Look, I will tell you what happened at some point, but it has nothing to do with him acting weird, oh my god if that fucker Carlton did something to him I’m gonna kill him,” Mike said, voice sharp.
“How do you even know about Carlton? You know what, never mind, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t because of something that happened between the two of you.”
“No, nothing happened, but Max, please let me know if something is wrong with him, I’ll go to New York right away.”
“Okay, Mike, I will let him know, but please get your shit together and talk to him.” Mike could hear her slam the phone down before he could answer.
June 1st, 1991
I hope you’re okay, Will. I can’t stop thinking about why you would be avoiding Max. That’s not like you at all. I’m really fucking worried.
The only thing that’s keeping me together is that Jonathan hasn’t called. I even called to tell him what Max said, and he said you might be busy, but he’s going to check on you. If there is something wrong, please tell Jonathan. He can help you.
I hope Carlton is treating you with the love you deserve. I hope he sees how beautiful you are every day. He'd better take you out on dates, your apartment should be filled with flowers, and he should make you feel special. Because you are so so so fucking special.
You deserve to be treated as one of your own paintings, handled with care, corresed with a soft, loving touch. If he does not treat you this way, please leave him. Please fucking leave him.
I miss you so deeply, I miss you so much, I love you so deeply, I love you so much.
August 10th 1991
I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?
I miss you so much, I love you so much.
September 1st 1991
I have been staring at all of your artwork for hours today. I wish you were here with me. Did you know the night they pulled your fake body out of Lovers Lake was the worst day of my life? I thought my world ended that day because I would never get to see you again.
I didn't believe it. I know your soul better than anyone. I knew you were alive, but Will, but I was so scared. So scared it was a possibility you would not be in my life anymore.
After I saw your " body", I had to leave; I had to go home; I couldn't take the feeling of losing you. I went home, and I hugged my mom as she held me while I cried. Then I went to the basement to look at all your artwork, and I held onto it as if I were holding onto you. So that is what I am doing today: I need to feel close to you. I hope you're okay, Will. I feel like you aren't. I need you to be okay. Please be okay.
I miss you so much, I love you so much.
October 31st 1991
Happy Halloween, Will!
I miss you more and more every day. I still have this aching feeling that something is really wrong. If it has anything to do with Carlton, as I said before, I will kill him, that sick son of a bitch. If he hurts you, I will make sure he regrets it.
I hope you know that you never deserve any pain; you deserve the most beautiful things in life. Your soul is too pure to have someone treat you badly when they are supposed to love you. If you allowed me to be yours, I would make sure you never felt any pain or sadness. I wish I were yours so I could show you the love that you deserve.
I miss you more than anything. I love you more than anything.
November 10th 1991
It was late at night. Mike should have been in his room asleep, but he was in the basement watching an old movie, wishing Will were watching it with him.
Out of nowhere, the phone rang. Mike could feel his heart skip a beat.
He ran up to the phone, almost tripping over a chair. As he yanked the phone off the receiver, he felt his stomach churn.
Before he could even say anything, Jonathan started talking.
“Mike, get to New York as soon as possible. It’s time to talk to Will. He’s going to need you; he needs you, Mike. Bring your journal; he’s going to need to understand why you didn’t talk to him. No excuses, Mike, you'd better be here in the next two days.
Jonathan ended the call before Mike could get a word in.