Work Text:
1. Jane is Ilya Rozanov’s girlfriend
ottaWAGs
Cassie
GIRLS
Cassie
🚨🚨🚨🚨
Selena
???????
Caitlin
girl are you okay??
Cassie
NO
Cassie
My world has been rocked
Cassie
I am shaken to my core
Selena
OMG what happened??
Selena
Is Zane okay?? Is it Milo????
Selena
You’re freaking me out!!
Caitlin
^^^^
Cassie
Haha my bad
Cassie
Sorry
Cassie
I’m fine, Zane’s fine, Milo is fine
Cassie
Everyone is good
Cassie
I have gossip though
Caitlin
okay so i’m blocking you
Selena
Girl…
Selena
You had us STRESSED this gossip better be earth shattering
Caitlin
LITERALLY
Cassie
Rozanov has a GIRLFRIEND
Caitlin
shut the fuck UP
Caitlin
ilya rozanov?
Caitlin
mr manwhore??
Caitlin
mr threesome?????
Caitlin
mr russia’s greatest love machine???????
Selena
Wow. Okay, this is pretty big news😧 I swear that man was an eternal bachelor!
Selena
Wait… Russia’s Greatest Love Machine??😂
Selena
I’ve not heard that one before😂
Caitlin
girl he posted about it on his official twitter account
Cassie
🤣🤣🤣
Selena
WHAT
Caitlin
yes i swear to god
Caitlin
he literally retweeted a tweet that called him that and said that he accepted his title with pride
Cassie
💀💀💀
Selena
Wow
Cassie
Okay but there’s more!!
Selena
😧😧
Caitlin
!!!!!
Caitlin
give it to me NOW
Cassie
Zane told me that Roz moved to Ottawa for her
Caitlin
SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPOOO
Caitlin
ok this IS earth shattering news
Cassie
BITCH I TOLD YOU
Caitlin
the concept of the worst team in the league getting ilya rozanov because some random girl managed to lock down “russia’s greatest love machine” and have him so whipped that he moves to OTTAWA??
[2] people emphasised this message.
Caitlin
like who the fuck is this girl?????
Selena
No Ottawa slander in the ottaWAGs chat please!
Selena
But that is insane
Cassie
EXACTLY
Cassie
Literally all I know is that her name is Jane
Caitlin
GIRL
Caitlin
who the fuck are you jane!!!!!!
Caitlin
i need her to teach me her ways
Caitlin
because i truly believe that it would take black magic to make ilya rozanov of all men become monogamous and move to ottawa of all places😭
Selena
Again with the Ottawa slander!!!🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️
Caitlin
my bad💀
Lisa
Just came out of surgery to 67 messages with the top ones being ‘🚨🚨🚨’ and that cassie’s world was shaken… then to find out it’s about Ilya Rozanov… you girls stress me the fuck OUT
Lisa
Okay catching up give me five
Lisa
WOAH!!!!!!
Lisa
WHO THE FUCK IS JANE
[3] people emphasised this message.
2. Jane is famous
ottaWAGs
Cassie
Guys this was actually so much hard work but…
Cassie
EVERYONE BE NORMAL
Cassie Boodram added Jane (Rozanov) to the chat.
Caitlin
EEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!
Selena
This is so exciting😁😁
Selena
Hello Jane!!! I’m Selena, wife of Nick Chouinard (#47, enforcer)
Caitlin
HI JANE
Caitlin
i’m caitlin dykstra, evan’s dykstra’s (#31, enforcer)
Caitlin
dw if you don’t know what an enforcer is i didn’t know until i was engaged to evan💀
Selena
That is shameful Cait😭
Cassie
HAHA
Lisa
Hi!! I’m Lisa, Wyatt Hayes’ better half😉He’s Ottawa’s goalie, #27😌
Lisa
Ah fuck I have to go my pager just went off
Jane
Hi
Jane
Sorry, I’m not sure what to say.
Caitlin
awww that’s okay!!
Caitlin
this is really not a serious chat
Caitlin
we mostly just gossip and complain about our guys
Cassie
Haha that’s pretty accurate
Selena
Why don’t you us a little about yourself Jane :)
Jane
There’s not much to say really, I’m quite boring. But I love hockey so I definitely know what an enforcer is haha
Jane
Ilya likes to joke that he is the third wheel to me and hockey😅
Caitlin
hahaha ok wow
Caitlin
is that how you met roz? through hockey? i swear i didn’t even know roz was dating anyone!!!
Jane
Kind of. But yeah, we don’t really tell people because we like to keep things private. Honestly I’d appreciate if you don’t go around telling people if that’s okay :)
Cassie
Of course!!
Selena
Don’t worry, the WAG chat is sacred!
Selena
Everything that is said in the chat, stays in the chat😌
Caitlin
oo how mysterious
Caitlin
no judgement but can i ask why? if i bagged ilya rozanov i’d be shouting it from the rooftops hahaha
Jane
Haha
Jane
I’m kind of famous and it wouldn’t be great for my career to be honest😅
Selena
Oh wow!
Cassie
OMG
Cassie
We have someone famous in our little groupchat?????
Cassie
THIS IS CRAZY
Cassie
Omg are you an actress
Cassie
Wait sorry I’ll be normal
Caitlin
shut the fuck up we have a famous person in our chat
Caitlin
fuck is it too late for me to be cooler
Jane
Haha
Jane
It’s fine I’m really not that famous
Jane
I’m actually a very boring, normal person🙂
Cassie
Righttttt🤨
Caitlin
wait is jane a codename cause i cannot think of a single famous jane
Selena
Same here!!
Selena
The only famous Canadian Jane I know is Jane Goodall
Caitlin
SELENA PLEASE😭😭😭😭😭
Caitlin
i’m not sure she’s roz’s type😭
Cassie
For fuck’s sake Sel💀💀💀
Jane
The Chimpanzee lady??
Jane
I watched a documentary on her once it was really interesting!
Jane
But isn’t she about 90 years old?
Cassie
I can’t breathe
Caitlin
i actually think she’s dead😭
Jane
Oh
Jane
That’s so sad☹️
Caitlin
it really is but i can’t stop laughing oh my GOD😭
Selena
Guys please I didn’t mean anything by it I was just saying I didn’t know any famous Janes🤦🏽♀️
Selena
I’m never going to live this down😢
Lisa
Okay I’ve clearly missed a lot what the fuck is going on guys???????
3. Jane has been in the situationship trenches since 2010
+
4. Jane has dated women
ottaWAGs
Cassie
Hey girls
Cassie
I’m going insane with only talking to my one year old all day
Selena
Been there!
Caitlin
aw poor cassie
Caitlin
i know what would cure you
Caitlin
some gossip😏
Caitlin
sorry i’m just gonna be nosy and straight up ask
Caitlin
@Jane how did you manage to lock down Ilya Rozanov and drag his ass to OTTAWA
Cassie
Not you using me complaining to interrogate Jane💀
Caitlin
i’m an opportunist what can i say😌
Selena
You’re shameless that’s what you are
Caitlin
and so what🤷🏼♀️
Jane
Haha
Jane
I didn’t really do anything I guess
Jane
We just fell in love
Cassie
AWWWWWWW
Selena
That is so cute OMG
Selena
I feel like tearing up
Cassie
Same
Caitlin
omg SO CUTE!!!!!
Caitlin
but before that?
Caitlin
we need DETAILS
Jane
We met, were casual for a few years, and then we started dating :)
Caitlin
A FEW YEARS?
Cassie
OMG
Cassie
So much and so little to take in at once
Selena
Wow
Caitlin
literally
Caitlin
jane girl we need to up your tea sharing skills
Caitlin
this is like when you ask your man for any details and he’s just like ‘idk, why’🤦🏼♀️
Cassie
Haha that’s so accurate
Cassie
Zane seriously kills me
Cassie
Once he told me his BROTHER was ENGAGED but knew NOTHING ELSE
Caitlin
jfc
Selena
Wait, how long is a few years?
Jane
Well we started in 2010 and then we officially got together in 2017 so it was about 7 years, I guess :)
Cassie
YOU GUESS
Cassie
JESUS
Cassie
I want to punch Roz so bad for this
Caitlin
not jane being in the situationship trenches
Cassie
She’s God’s strongest soldier🙏
Caitlin
not to mention this situationship was with the world’s biggest manwhore💀💀
Cassie
Cait OMG!
Cassie
Don’t bring that up what’s wrong with you😭
Selena
What the fuck!!
Selena
Roz is going to be getting words from me!
Selena
Keeping a woman in a casual sex box while you sleep with other women is not okay!!
Jane
No no please don’t
Jane
Honestly it’s fine
Jane
We both wanted casual at first
Jane
I actually ran out his house when he tried to make it more serious😅
Cassie
WHAT
Caitlin
UR JOKING
Caitlin
JANE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WHAT THE HELL
Jane
Not my finest moment😅
Jane
Luckily Ilya forgave me
Jane
Though he still brings up my ex-girlfriend constantly🙄
Caitlin
wait what do you mean
Jane
Well I kind of ran out of his house and started dating someone else because I got scared
Jane
Oops haha
Caitlin
oh my god
Caitlin
the jane lore is genuinely never ending
Cassie
🤯🤯🤯
Caitlin
sometimes i can’t believe you’re a real woman
Selena
Thank you for trusting us with this Jane❤️
Cassie
We support you not matter what💖
Caitlin
oh yes sorry lmao
Caitlin
#loveislove
Jane
Wait what?
Jane
What do you mean??
Selena
That you’re bisexual?
Selena
Or is that not your label?
Jane
Oh
Jane
Right
Jane
Sorry I just got confused
Jane
I’m not into women, I just thought I might be at one point
Caitlin
wow
Cassie
Okay I take it back
Cassie
Maybe Roz is God’s strongest soldier because imagine you try and make things serious and she runs off so far she makes it to the opposite GENDER😭😭😭
Cassie
You would have had to lock me up if Zane did that to me💀
Caitlin
i love this so much
Caitlin
jane really said fuck hetronormativity i’m going to come out as straight💀
Cassie
LMAOOOO
Cassie
A true ally😌
Jane
Haha yup that’s me!
Lisa
Holy shit
Lisa
Why am I always on shift when the good stuff happens?!
Lisa
So much to take in
Lisa
This is all insane
Lisa
LOL the Jane lore is insane I love it
Lisa
Thank you for coming out as straight, Jane❤️
[4] people laugh reacted to this message.
5. Jane lives in Montreal
Cassie
Boodram BBQ at ours this Saturday at 5pm! Everyone welcome!!
Cassie
Jane it would be lovely to finally meet you!
Cassie
Okay, let me know💖
Caitlin
FUCK YES
Caitlin
i truly need a bood bbq rn
Caitlin
me and evan have been eating so badly recently
Selena
Yes!! We’ll be over at 7pm as we’re with the in-laws for lunch that day.
Jane
That sounds really nice! I won’t be able to make it though, sorry. I have plans that keep me in Montreal all weekend unfortunately :(
Caitlin
wait u live in montreal?
Caitlin
did i know this?
Caitlin
i thought roz moved to ottawa for you
Jane
Yes he did but I live in Montreal!
Cassie
Aw okay, no worries! Hopefully next time you can make it, we’d really love to have you💖
Caitlin
more jane lore✍️✍️✍️
Lisa
I’ll have to double check my shift times this weekend but Wyatt is down!
6. Jane is Mrs Landlady
ottaWAGs
Selena
Hey girls
Selena
I need some advice
Selena
Nick and I are thinking of moving house
Selena
But the whole process seems so daunting…
Selena
Nick organised everything last time but now he’s so busy
Caitlin
our men are busy for the first time in a decade💀
Caitlin
jane this is ur fault for bringing roz to ottawa
Jane
Haha
Jane
I actually probably could help I have a few properties
Selena
Wow!! That would be great thank you!
Jane
No worries! Direct message me anytime and I’ll help you out :)
Cassie
GIRL
Cassie
I’m straight and married but I’m starting to believe that Jane might be my dream girl
Caitlin
just casually owning a few properties
Caitlin
ok mrs landlady
Jane
Haha that’s what Ilya calls me
Cassie
💀💀
Caitlin
kinky😏😏
7. Jane walks Ilya Rozanov like a dog
ottaWAGs
Cassie
Advice time please
Cassie
Zane’s been back for a week and he’s already driving me nuts with his stinky socks and shirts everywhere
Cassie
It’s like he doesn’t know the laundry basket exists🤦🏽♀️
Caitlin
let’s kill him
Lisa
I can and will section you
Caitlin
😔
Caitlin
she asked for advice and i gave it??
Selena
OMG Nick is doing the same
Selena
It’s so annoying!!
Jane
I don’t know if this will work for you guys, but I trained Ilya by banning blowjobs for a week🙂
Jane
Sorry if that was too much information haha
Caitlin
oh my GODDDDDDDD
Caitlin
jane never apologise for sharing such magical information
Caitlin
i bow to the master🙇🏼♀️
Caitlin
adding this to my mental jane lore list
Caitlin
also evan is a clean freak but i will be using this to stop him blasting his country/edm mix music
Cassie
HAHA OH MY GOD
Cassie
I love it
Selena
I’m going to be honest, I’m stealing this method
Caitlin
walk him like a dog jane🦮🦮
Jane laughed at this message.
8. Jane is friends with Rose Landry
ottaWAGs
Caitlin
whats everyone doing today i’m bored
Cassie
Nothing
Lisa
Working🥲
Cassie
Come round if you want!!
Selena
Aw I want to join but I’m round my in-laws☹️☹️☹️
Cassie
@Jane
Jane
Ah I can’t sorry, I’m out for lunch right now!
Jane
[Photo of a healthy looking lunch with a green smoothie. A woman’s hand rests on the edge of the restaurant table]
Caitlin
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT
Caitlin
i’m having a mental breakdown
Caitlin
how the fuck do you know rose landry
Cassie
SHE KNOWS WHO
Cassie
EXPLAIN
Caitlin
watch the live photo
Selena
I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW
Selena
I am actually speechless
Jane
Oh God
Jane
Please don’t tell anyone that I know her
Jane
We’re both very private people
Jane
Please
Caitlin
my mouth is firmly shut
Cassie
The sanctity of the WAG chat is forever
Selena
Agreed!
Jane
Thank you all so much
[3] people loved this message.
Selena
Can I ask, are you an actress Jane?
Jane
Haha definitely not
Jane
I told Rose you said that and she laughed so hard
Jane
I’d be terrible
Selena
Oh my God Rose Landry laughed at something I said
Caitlin
i’m totally not clenching my fists in a jealous rage right now😒😒😒
Cassie
Singer??
Jane
God no
Caitlin
wait are you a model then?
Selena
Rose Landry laughed at something I said😭😭😭😭
Caitlin
good for you😒😒😒😒😒
9. Jane is a model
***Jane has done some modelling
ottaWAGs
Jane
Sorry I didn’t reply for a few days, things with work have been busy!
Jane
And no I’m not a model, I’ve just done a few athletic wear ads and some perfume stuff here and there
Jane
Honestly I really don’t enjoy it but it’s good for my branding I guess
Jane
I once had to do a underwear ad and I hated it
Jane
I felt so awkward
Jane
I still don’t understand why me walking around in underwear is a good selling strategy but I just do what they say😅
Cassie
Girl don’t even
Cassie
We all know ur gorgeous
Jane
You’ve never even met me haha
Caitlin
you bagged one of the hottest men in the MLH we all know u must be STUNNING
Cassie
And she got him to move to OTTAWA
Cassie
I can’t even imagine the level of baddie she must be🙇🏽♀️🙇🏽♀️🙇🏽♀️
Jane
Haha, well, I don’t know about that but thank you :)
Caitlin
honestly he’s probably the hottest man in the mlh lets be real
Jane
God, do not tell Ilya that his head is big enough
Cassie
LMAO
Caitlin
keep him humble queen
Lisa
Sorry to Rozanov but no let us focus on the player who has actually been voted the best looking hockey player 3 times
Lisa
I love Wyatt so much but as an Ottawa girl born and raised Shane Hollander has a special place in my heart
Selena
My crush on Shane Hollander was so bad when I was a kid, it’s embarrassing
Lisa
No because that is so valid
Cassie
That man🤤🤤🤤🤤
Lisa
He’s my all time hall pass
Caitlin
LISA STOP😭
Lisa
Wyatt agreed though
Cassie
If Cait’s telling you to stop that’s when you know you’re being outrageous💀💀
Jane
Haha wow
10. Jane is Shane
Caitlin Dykstra added Cassie Boodram, Selena Chouinard, and Lisa Hayes to a new chat.
Caitlin Dykstra renamed the chat ‘who the fuck jane is’
Caitlin
sooo
Caitlin
we’ve all clocked on to what’s happening here right?
Cassie
This does not leave this chat but yes
Caitlin
i’ve been noticing things for a little while now
Caitlin
but the foundation announcement was what did it for me
Cassie
I had no clue until then
Cassie
It all just clicked once i watched the press conference
Cassie
Roz’s heart eyes🥹
Selena
What are we talking about?
Selena
Sorry I’m confused
Caitlin
selena please😭😭
Cassie
You want to explain or shall I?
Caitlin
jane is famous
Caitlin
it would be bad for ‘her’ career to be in a relationship with roz
Caitlin
jane dated a woman
Caitlin
jane is friends with rose landry
Caitlin
jane has known ilya since at least 2010
Caitlin
jane has modelled for athletes clothes, perfume ads and underwear
Caitlin
jane lives in montreal
Caitlin
jane is a fake name
Caitlin
roz is ‘friends’ with shane hollander
Caitlin
get it now?
Selena
Oh my God.
Selena
I just screamed so loudly Nick came running into the room
Selena
I had to pretend I saw a spider
Selena
Holy fuck
Selena
I’m going to need several days to process this information
Caitlin
obviously the sanctity of the wag chat is real
Caitlin
but this is serious this time
Caitlin
no spilling to husbands under any circumstances!!!
Caitlin
we need to protect their secret until they’re ready, agreed?
Cassie
🤝
Selena
🤝
Caitlin
🤝
Lisa
Okay what the hell?
Lisa
I want to quit my job
Lisa
And also maybe die
Lisa
Or bleach my brain to forget that I thirsted to Shane Hollander to his face
Lisa
but 🤝