Chapter Text
Amelia is no stranger to longing. There’s many things she wants that she does not allow herself to have. This ache of wanting a person just out of her reach is painfully familiar. After her sabbatical she thought she’d be ready to take on the world, to throw herself back into her research. She had not expected to run into a ghost.
A ghost who didn’t recognize her. A ghost who later admitted to recognizing her, to having a crush on her many years ago. A ghost who didn’t know she liked her back all those years ago, and even more today.
Amelia stirred the coffee in her hands, waiting for it to cool. The warmth in her hands reminded her of the warmth of Toni’s touch. The way Toni searched for her in bed. Fingernails scratching lightly down her back, fingertips trailing against her arms while they lay tangled together whispering about the years between them. Mostly stories of their sons and how they’d want them to meet further along.
How could I have messed it all up. Amelia thought to herself. Guilt greeted her like an old friend. A rotten feeling that twists in her stomach. She had taken Cass home as a distraction. To avoid the feeling of being unimportant, disregarded. But the moment she had opened the door and seen Toni’s eyes everything shifted. She felt desired, wanted, put first. But she had been impulsive. And it had ruined them.
I’m falling in love with you.
I really got this wrong.
And the knife twists further.
“Earth to Amelia.” Carina had spoken with an ever charismatic grin.
Amelia smiled apologetically. “Sorry I was…”
“In memory lane?” Carina asked, taking another sip of her coffee before placing it back on the coaster. “Thinking about some new person you’re seeing?”
“What? I-“
“Oh please, I can barely remember the last time you hit on my wife.”
Maya coughed aggressively. “Carina.” She whispered-shouted.
But her wife just shrugged, standing by what she said. “She only stops flirting when she’s interested in someone.”
Then, as if on cue the baby monitor projected their littlest’s cry, soon followed by Liam’s cry as well. Maya excused herself and went.
Amelia sighed, “She’s right.” She spoke, accepting defeat. “She’s recently divorced. I just didn’t know how recent. It was perfect, the beginning. She was my first girl crush in med school. I didn’t fully understand what it all meant back then. And it was probably for the best. I was a mess back then and she’s so… genuine, kind. I wasn’t healthy enough to have accepted a love like hers back then. But we found each other again. And it was great. She’s not too soft. She’s intentional with her touch, with her words. She is soft spoken but firm at the same time. So when she told me her wife wanted her back, I…” Amelia paused, clearing her throat. “We’re so new. Unlabelled. I can’t compete with that level of history.”
“I’m sorry, but the Amelia Shepherd I know does not just give up.” Maya spoke as she walked in, baby Andrea curled into her arms and holding toddling Liam by the hand. She then stopped speaking upon seeing the shock on both women’s faces at her comment. She didn’t want to admit she grabbed the kids quickly so she could keep hearing the conversation. “I’m sorry I probably wasn’t supposed to be listening to this part…”
Carina turned sideways holding her hand out for Liam to take, watching him make strides towards her. As soon as he had done 6 unassisted steps and was close enough in reach Carina picked him up to celebrate. Andrea, at the first sight of her Mama lifted her head from her mom’s chest and smiled at her mama. Carina took them both in her arms, giving her daughter raspberries and Liam kisses on the cheek. Maya watched her wife and their children, momentarily entranced.
“Continue,” Amelia encouraged softly, including Maya back into the conversation.
“I’m just saying, you’re one of the most committed people I know.”
“Maya is right, you do not give up.” Carina continued. “I was 8 months pregnant and you still tried to have a threesome with us?”
“Oh!” Maya gasped, failing at covering both of her children’s ears at the same time.
“Come on.” Amelia rolled her eyes. “At this point it’s just a running bit.” She smiled but threw in a wink for Maya anyway.
“It’s not.” Carina retorted with a bit more seriousness than intended.
“Okay, so with that logic.” Maya continued, ignoring the two’s antics. “You still ‘try’ as a running joke between us but run away as soon as things get hard with someone you actually want to pursue… why?”
Amelia was at a loss of words for a moment. She held her mouth open and blinked multiple times until she found the words. “Well, like I told Mer, she has a kid.”
“You have a kid.” Maya countered.
“She has an ex wife who wants her family back, it’s not exactly the same.” Amelia sighed, biting the inside of her cheek. “And it’s not like I didn’t try. I… told her to pick me.”
“You what?” Carina asked, halting her play with her daughter suddenly serious.
“I… ran to her in the parking lot at the hospital. I put my heart out on the line. I mentioned we were undefined and that her ex wife felt like the safer option but we had something and I wanted her to pick me. And when she looked at me, there was a moment I thought she would.”
“And?” Maya asked, leaning forward.
“She needed time.” Amelia stated. “I thought she didn’t pick me and was trying to figure out how to tell me. I did what I always do and tried to numb the pain. I took someone home and… she showed up at my door to tell me she was falling for me… but when she saw I had company…” Amelia stopped, eyes tearing up.
“Oh Amelia…” Carina started apologetically.
Liam pushed himself off from his mama and toddled away.
“I know, I know I messed up.” Amelia clenched her jaw.
“That isn’t what I was going to say.” Carina sighed. She hated how quick Amelia was to self deprecate.
Liam stretched to reach the tissue box on the coffee table. Maya moved to bring it closer. Liam took one ripped tissue and made his way over to where Amelia was, holding it out to her. “No cry.”
Amelia smiled, pulling the kid in for a hug, making little Liam giggle. “Thank you buddy.” She stated, taking the crumpled tissue in her hand. Liam found an abandoned firetruck on the floor and started playing at her feet. She pet his blonde hair as she watched him play.
“She needs an explanation.” Maya stated. “She needs to know why you did it. If not she’s going to think everything that happened between you was unimportant. You can’t let her think that.”
“It’ll drive her crazy.” Carina says, her bottom lip twitching ever so slightly. Maya brought her hand out to hold her wife’s, a small smile shared between them. Maya kissing her wife on the forehead, Carina leaning even further into her.
“I’ve been calling her and calling her.” Amelia stated. “She doesn’t want to hear from me.”
“Oh amica mia.” Carina coos. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about love, it's that if it’s meant for you, one way or another it will be.”
—
The days had been long but they seemed to blur together. Some days they’d pass each other in the halls, other days they wouldn’t.
Many lingering looks between the two, many unspoken words. Countless missed call notifications were left on Toni’s phone. Toni would stare at the name on the screen. For every missed call there was a moment of hesitation. A pause ever so brief. Some nights she’d be quicker to forward to voicemail. Other nights, when loneliness hit, she’d hover over old messages. It had been so light, so short lived. On those nights, when the self deprecating thoughts would creep in, she wondered if that’s all she was ever meant to be for the blue eyed girl she had fallen for in orientation.
She had been waiting on the elevator at Grey-Sloan, rereading old flirty texts when the elevator opened, revealing the person she had been missing.
Amelia had been in the elevator with Carina, the Italian showing her pictures she had taken with her family on their vacation in Italy.
“And here is Bella posing next to the sandcastle she built.”
Amelia was leaning in quite close to look at Carina’s pictures. She smiled at the picture of the dark blonde, brown eyed kid with her hands on her hips. “She looks so much like you. Birthmark and all.”
The two friends are looking at one another, smiling, when the door opens and none other than Toni meets eyes with her.
Toni looks between the two surgeons and looks down, getting in without a word.
“Toni,” Amelia gasps in a whisper.
Carina raises an eyebrow watching her friend's expression change from wholesome to something she couldn’t quite name. She watched as Amelia’s hand twitched, debating reaching out to the person in front of her.
“Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Deluca.” Toni answered shortly.
“Hello.” Carina spoke, watching Amelia sigh and look up to the ceiling. The new blonde, Carina thought. I should’ve known. She has a thing for blonds.
When the doors opened on her floor, Carina whispered, “buona fortuna,”before exiting.
Amelia, as impulsive as ever, pressed the hold button.
Her eyes seemed panicked as she did so, and Toni’s eyes flew wide, watching the brunette.
“Please talk to me.” Amelia finally said in a rushed voice, brows furrowed as she held the button.
“Amelia, what are you-“
“I’m desperate. Which , for the record, is not a good look on me.” She concedes. “I know you have plenty you want to say to me. And I want to apologize. Just give me the chance.”
“Amelia, this is ridiculous.” Toni shook her head. “There’s nothing to say. You obviously meant a lot more to me than I did to you.”
“That’s not fair.” Amelia bit back.
In turn, Toni scoffed. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am!” Amelia stated, putting a hand on her hip. “You left me hanging. You ask me what I think about you two getting back together as if you want me to fight for us when you're the one that’s unsure. Then I tell you not to go back to her. I put my heart on the line and asked you to stay with me. And then you ignore me. What was I supposed to think?”
Toni nodded slowly, her expression unreadable. “And you just had to go run into someone else’s arms.”
Amelia's face fell, taking one step closer. “It meant nothing.”
Toni took a step back. “I showed up at your door ready to choose you,” She said quietly. “And you were already with someone else.” She looked down at her hands, taking a deep breath. “I needed time and you… ran as soon as things got hard.”
Amelia visibly winced, like the words physically struck her.
“But great, it meant nothing, that makes it so much better.” Toni whispered sarcastically, bitterly. As if uttering the words more to herself than at the woman in front of her.
“That’s not how it-” Amelia pulled her own hair. “This isn’t going how I had hoped.” Her eyes welting up, the frustration of being misunderstood starting to build up in the pit of her stomach.
Toni looked at her sternly, as if thinking, you don’t say. “Let me off.” She finally says, in a low, disheartened tone.
Amelia’s eyes dropped down to the floor, letting the button go. She watched with a trembling lip as Toni slipped away.
She looked down at her beeper, announcing where she was needed.
She made her way to the right wing, finding Meredith in radiology waiting in scans. “You paged?”
“Yeah, I need a consult. I’m just waiting on these scans to confirm my suspicions.” She sighed, looking at her patient on the other side of the glass. “How’re you? Bailey kept me up all night. That is the last time I let him convince me for some hot chocolate before bed.”
“Well, I kidnapped Toni in the elevator.” She deadpanned, wincing as she did.
“Oh,” Meredith paused, turning her attention towards her sister-in-law. “And how did that go?”
“Not very well.”
“And who could’ve seen that coming?”
—
Carina had finally closed her eyes lying down in the on-call room when the door opened, revealing an emotional blonde facing the door, covering her mouth as she cried.
It took a moment for Carina to decide whether or not to make her presence known. Thankfully, she didn’t have to make the choice. When she sat up, the plastics surgeon turned around shocked.
“Oh, Dr. Deluca.” She stated, fixing her hair. “I was just…”
“Carina, you can call me Carina.” She stated. “You don’t have to explain, but for the record, my wife and I are good friends with Amelia. And I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t tell you how badly she wants the opportunity to speak to you.” She offers a sympathetic smile as she holds out a tissue box for her coworker.
“Thank you but, I don’t think Amelia and I have anything to say to one another.”
Carina considered leaving it at that. But then the blonde started playing with the used tissue in her hand, tearing up once more.
Oh boy.
“I don’t mean to overstep.” The Italian continued, clearly overstepping. “But… I can see you clearly care for Amelia. And I want you to know she is just as affected by all of this.”
“Frankly, I don't want to discuss my personal life with a coworker.”
“Then don’t.” Carina offered. “You can just listen and if you don’t want to you can leave and I can take that nap I had come here to take.” She waited a moment but the blonde didn’t leave. She in fact took a seat. “My wife and I have a unique love story and a beautiful family that I wouldn’t change for the world, but we had periods of hardships.” She looked out the window briefly, her mind drifting a flash of moments came to mind. “My wife once told me that I gave up on her before she had the chance to make things up to me. And she was right. We lost so much time when we clearly still loved each other because I had been hurt and I was so scared to be hurt again. It is my biggest regret.” Carina observed the woman's eyes not meeting her own. For a moment, she reminded her of her own Bambina. So in her head. So much pain. “Don’t let fear get in the way of something good. Amelia is one of the good ones.” Carina looked away from the crying woman to her ringing phone, a picture of her wife and their three kids on the screen. “Sorry I have to take this but just… think about what I said.” She finished, walking out of the room as she picked up the call.
“Mama!” A choir of children sang through the phone with Bella holding it too close to her face.
“I’m sorry my love, they refuse to go down without saying buona notte.” Maya states apologetically, barely on screen and holding Andrea in the back, Liam squishing his face next to his big sister’s so he can see.
“Buonanotte amore miei" Carina spoke pressing kisses to the screen. “Never apologize, my love. Also, I can’t wait to tell you about what I just saw when I get home.”
—
Amelia was leaving a consult when she saw the message on her phone.
Toni: I'm ready to talk. I’m in the on-call room.
Amelia stared at the message so long the screen dimmed.
Then blacked out completely.
For one irrational second she considered pretending she had not seen it. As if her body had not spent the better part of two weeks orienting itself around Toni’s absence. As if every hallway in Grey Sloan had not become a minefield of almosts.
Almost speaking.
Almost touching.
Almost fixing it.
Her thumb pressed against the screen again, bringing the message back to life.
I’m ready to talk.
Not we should talk.
Not come explain yourself.
Ready.
Amelia exhaled sharply through her nose and immediately pivoted on her heel toward the elevators.
The walk to the on-call rooms felt endless. She passed nurses, interns, but everything blurred together beneath the violent pounding of her pulse.
By the time she reached the door, her hand actually shook.
This is ridiculous, she thought. You are Amelia Shepherd. You’ve performed brain surgery more complicated than this.
And yet opening one stupid door felt terrifying.
The first thing Amelia noticed was that the room was dim.
Not warm-dim. Not soft-dim.
Controlled-dim.
Blinds half-closed.
The next was Toni’s demeanor. No smile. No immediate softening. Her posture was straight in a way that wasn’t relaxed but… contained.
Her eyes lifted when Amelia entered. But nothing else moved.
“Hi,” Amelia said gently.
Toni nodded once. “Hi.” A right pursed smile that quickly faded.
Amelia closed the door behind her more slowly than usual, like volume mattered in here.
“You wanted to talk?” she asked carefully.
“Yes.” Toni’s voice was even.
A beat passed.
Amelia waited for more, but none came. She leaned against the door, holding onto the knob to ground herself. “Okay,” she said. “I’m here.”
Toni’s gaze stayed steady. “Thank you for coming.”
Polite. Careful. Too careful. Way too careful considering Amelia has just held her hostage less than an hour ago.
Amelia’s chest tightened slightly at the distance, but she didn’t push it. Not yet.
“Of course,” she replied softly. Amelia noticed Toni’s hands. Not clasped, but tighter now. Like she was holding something in place. “I got your message,” She said, keeping her voice even. “You said you wanted to talk.”
Toni nodded again. “I do.”
Another pause.
Amelia tilted her head slightly, her leg started to bounce. “Do you want me to start?”
Toni hesitated for half a second longer than she probably intended.
“No,” she said. “I asked you here. I’ll go first.”
Amelia nodded once and leaned lightly against the edge of the desk, not imposing, just present.
Toni took a breath.
“I’ve been thinking,” she began carefully, “about what happened.”
Amelia didn’t interrupt.
Toni’s eyes flicked briefly toward her, then away again. “I wasn’t fair to you.”
Amelia’s expression softened a fraction, but she stayed quiet.
“I let things get… complicated,” Toni continued. “And I didn’t handle it well.”
Amelia could tell there was more, but Toni seemed to be choosing each word like it had weight.
“I should’ve been clearer with you,” Toni added. “About where I was emotionally.”
Amelia nodded slowly. “Okay.”
Toni’s gaze sharpened slightly at that—like she was trying to read whether Amelia was going to push.
Amelia didn’t.
So Toni continued.
“I also think,” Toni said more carefully now, “that I didn’t expect this to feel as intense as it did.”
That, at least, felt honest.
Amelia’s voice stayed gentle. “Neither did I.”
Toni’s eyes flicked up again.
A small acknowledgement.
“I needed time,” Toni said. “And I didn’t communicate that well.”
Amelia exhaled quietly through her nose, not in frustration. Just recognition.
“I understand that,” she said.
That seemed to throw Toni off slightly. Not enough to show fully, but enough to pause.
Amelia continued, still calm.
“But I need to say something too.”
Toni’s posture tightened subtly. “Okay.”
Amelia pushed off the door, still not closing the distance. Just stepping forward.
“I hear what you’re saying,” she began carefully, “about needing time. About things being complicated.”
A pause.
Then, softer but firm.
“But I don’t agree with the idea that I’m the only one who runs when things get hard.”
Toni’s expression shifted immediately. Her guard came up a little more.
“I didn’t say that,” she replied.
Amelia nodded once. “Not directly. But it’s been said around it. And I think it’s important to clear things up.”
Toni didn’t respond right away.
Amelia kept her tone steady, not defensive, not accusatory. Just honest.
“I don’t run because things get hard,” she said quietly. “I step back when I don’t know where I stand.”
That landed in the room quietly.
Toni’s jaw tightened slightly, but she stayed listening.
Amelia continued, a little softer now.
“And in this… I didn’t know where I stood.”
Toni’s eyes flicked up again, briefly.
Amelia didn’t look away.
“You were still deciding,” she added carefully. “Between your history, your family, and what was happening between us. And I wasn’t trying to compete with that. I think you know that much. But, I just… needed to know I wasn’t already losing you while I was still in it.”
Toni’s hands unclasped slightly, then re-clasped.
A small tell. Not open, but not fully closed anymore either.
“I didn’t sabotage us because I didn’t care,” she said. “I searched for you and you avoided me. I asked you to pick me and you still needed time.” Amelia’s voice wavered. “I did it because I felt like you were never going to be mine.”
Toni didn’t respond immediately. That was what made it worse. Not denial. Not disagreement. Just silence. Like she was holding something fragile inside her and wasn’t sure what would break if she spoke too fast.
Amelia felt it immediately in her chest. That familiar tightening, not quite panic, not quite anger. That hollow space that always showed up when she didn’t know where she stood. The knot in her throat that made it harder to speak. She exhaled slowly, grounding herself where she stood, pushing through.
“I’m not saying that to guilt you,” she added after a beat, softer now. “I’m just telling you what it felt like on my side.”
Toni finally looked up at her again. And this time, there was something different in her face. Not openness. Not yet. But something less defended than before. “You weren’t going to lose me,” She said quietly.
Amelia blinked once. “It didn’t feel like that. I couldn’t have known that.”
Toni looked down for a second, jaw tightening slightly, like she didn’t have an easy answer for that.
Amelia didn’t push. She was refusing to make this another moment where she fought for space she didn’t feel invited into. But she wasn’t accusatory. She stayed where she was. Present. Willing and able to see the conversation through. Because at the end of the day, she knew whenever Toni called she’d come running to her.
Toni finally spoke again, quieter. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like you were waiting.”
“I know,” the brunette assured. No hesitation there. “I don’t think you were trying to hurt me.”
That softened something between them. It didn’t fix the fracture. But it left a door open.
Silence settled again, less sharp now. More tired.
Toni shifted slightly on the edge of the bed, her hands unclasping and then re-clasping like she didn’t know where to put them when she wasn’t holding herself together.
“I don’t know how to do this,” she admitted.
Amelia’s expression softened at that. Not relief. Not victory. Just understanding.
“Neither do I,” she said honestly.
That honesty hung there longer than anything else had.
Toni let out a quiet breath, almost a laugh but not quite. “That’s… not exactly reassuring.”
Amelia smiled. Tired of hovering at an awkward distance. She hesitated, debating how close to get. Ultimately deciding to sit at the opposite edge of the bed. Close enough to be almost within her orbit, far enough as to not allow herself to fall back into her pull. “It’s… all I’ve got.” She said, resting her hands on her thighs, rubbing slightly as she exhaled.
That earned a brief glance from Toni. Longer this time. Less guarded. Still cautious, but no longer fully shut.
A few seconds passed.
Then Toni spoke again, slower. “When I said you run when things get hard… I didn’t mean it as an insult.”
Amelia nodded slightly. “I know.” Logically she did know as much, although it had felt more pointed at the time.
“I meant…” Toni paused, searching for the right phrasing. “You leave before you can be left.”
Amelia didn’t react immediately.
Because that one was closer to the truth than anything either of them had said so far.
Still, she didn’t flinch away from it.
“I do that,” she admitted quietly, chewing the inside of her lip. “And you hide when you’re scared.”
Toni held her gaze at that.She had no counter. There was no denial. She met her blue eyed gaze.
Amelia had that power. To see her so clearly and still want her. It was terrifying. And electric.
The room felt different now. Not resolved, but no longer defensive. Something had been exposed between them that neither of them could pretend wasn’t there anymore.
“You chose me.” Amelia whispered.
“I did.” Toni exhaled, letting go of the deep breath she didn’t know she was holding. She watched as Amelia bit her lip, reminiscing their soft touch. ”I still do.” Toni added, quieter, like she didn’t want to scare the moment away by saying it too loudly.
Amelia looked at her then, really looked at her, and whatever restraint she’d been holding finally loosened at the edges.
Toni looked back into her eyes, but it was too late, Amelia had already caught her glance, her own eyes darting down as well. Toni found herself being lured in closer and barely put up a fight. “You want to be mine.” Not quite a question, not quite a statement. Something in between, fragile and searching.
Amelia bit harder, no longer having any words. Her breath trembled slightly as she nodded once. Slow. Certain.
She glanced back up, a single tear streaming down her face.
In that second, something in Toni shifted. Like the last wall of her resolve had finally given out not in collapse, but in release.
“Oh baby,” Toni whispered, closing the distance between them in one swift, inevitable motion.
Their mouths met softly at first. Not rushed. Not hungry. Careful in a way that came from everything they hadn’t said yet.
Amelia made a small sound of surprise against her mouth. She didn’t hesitate. Her hand came up into Toni’s hair, instinctively gripping like she needed something solid to anchor herself to while everything inside her shifted. As if letting go would undo the moment entirely.
Toni responded immediately. One hand settling at Amelia’s jaw, steady and warm, holding her delicately. Like she was the most precious thing.
The kiss deepened slowly, not with urgency, but with recognition. Like they were both realizing the same thing at the same time.
This wasn’t the first time something had been between them.
It was the first time they were both staying long enough to feel it.
Amelia’s shoulders softened as she leaned in, tension draining in small, reluctant pieces. Toni followed her without pressure, adjusting to her instead of overwhelming her, like she was learning her in real time.
Every touch, every gasp. The way their tongues swirled together, the way Amelia liked to nip at her lip. Toni took in every moment. And with every breath she swore she’d never have enough.
There was no performance to it. No apology in it. No urgency to fix what came before.
Toni didn’t pull away.
Neither did Amelia.
The kiss didn’t erase anything. It didn’t resolve the questions still sitting in the corners of the room. It didn’t fix the missed calls, or the uncertainty, or the timing that had been just slightly off every time.
But it did something quieter. Something heavier.
That whatever this was. Messy, unfinished, uncertain… it was real enough to hurt. But also real enough to stay and fight for.
When they finally broke apart, neither of them moved far.
Foreheads hovered close. Breaths uneven. Hair disheveled. Eyes still searching each other like the answers weren’t done being written yet.
Toni didn’t let go of her immediately.
Amelia didn’t pull away.
And in that fragile in-between space, nothing was fixed.
But nothing was over either.