Archive of Our Own

Jay remembers where he was when he got the call. 

He was at Heeseung’s dorm room, hanging upside down from the latter's bed, his phone in his hand, instagram open. Mindlessly scrolling would have been a good distraction from his essays and his exams if it wasn’t for Heeseung constantly changing the music they were listening to.

“Hyung.” Jay groaned in annoyance. “I liked that song.”

Heeseung was sitting on the floor despite it being his room, his thighs holding up the MacBook on his lap. He set his half drunk energy drink aside. “The assignment isn’t to listen to music aimlessly. I have to break down and analyse the intros of four songs and write a three page essay on how–”

“-they create meaning or affect the listener, yeah I know.” Jay dropped the phone on his chest and turned to look at his friend. “But can’t we listen to the whole thing before you skip to the next song?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“You’re lame.”

Heeseung turned around angry. “Why are you even here?” He asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for a date with Jisung?”

Jay shrugged his shoulders. “I cancelled it.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know.” Jay admitted. “Didn’t feel right.”

“Liar.” 

“I’m not.” Jay insisted. “The first date was fine, but I don’t know why, I just got so irritated when he texted me. And it wasn’t even anything bad, but even seeing his name pop up on my notifications kind of pissed me off. Plus, he wouldn’t take the hint and spammed me as a ‘joke’. Can you believe that?”

Heeseung hummed. “There it is again.”

Jay felt the blood slowly reach his brain, forcing him to slowly get up and lift himself up on his elbows. “What do you mean?”

Heeseung coughed in his fist, trying to hide his words, but Jay knew it was just for show. “Avoidant attachment.”

Jay gaped. “Excuse me!”

“What?” Heeseung blinked once, forging innocence. 

“I don’t have avoidant attachment issues!”

“Who said you did?” Heeseung turned to his laptop once again. It was quiet for just one second before he kept going. “Except, you know, Jaehyun, Jinhwa, Jongseob, Seongmin, Harua and Chanhee.”

“They did not say that!”

“To your face, no, maybe they didn’t.” Heeseung snickered, then he stopped when he saw Jay’s annoyed face. “Come on, you can’t even deny it. There’s nothing wrong with being independent, but why wouldn’t you want to have someone by your side?”

“Because.” Jay answered. “Because I hate clingy. I don’t like it when people get in between me and my me time and you know it.”

“Come on, Jay. It’s not just that.”

“Well, what else could it be, oh wise one?” 

Heeseung locked eyes with Jay again, this time softer and more meaningful. “I’m no Sunoo-level psychology expert, given that I’m a music student, but I know you prefer being alone because you don’t want others to experience your isolation tactics.”

Jay and Heeseung were close enough to talk about it as openly as they were. They’ve known each other since elementary school, meeting different versions of each other, growing up together and loving each other through everything. Even through Jay’s episodes.

Jay had been in therapy for a bit over 5 years now and every time, his therapist had asked him to renew the contract when their official limited time of 12 hours ended. 

Jay wasn’t as well as made himself out to be.

He had grown up in such an isolating household, that it only made sense for him to grow detached to other people. His parents were rather stereotypical businesspeople, often leaving him at his grandmothers when they had to go on their monthly business trips, but even when they were home, they weren’t. Not really. 

His mother was a shopaholic, usually spending most of her time going shopping and buying things she shouldn’t, only because she has the money to. When Jay was younger, she’d excuse it by claiming half of the things she buyed were for her son, but really, no child liked to play with heavy books and expensive historical paintings.

Sure, Jay had taken some art classes in high school, but never enough to actually make him want to continue the career path.

His father was an addict. When he wasn’t working, he liked to hang around bars that knew him as a regular. He’d drink, go home, not talk to anyone and continue drinking until he went upstairs to sleep. Usually Jay would just ignore him, act like he wasn’t around, but the older he got, the scarier the sight became to him. He hated the smell of the house after a night out, he hated alcohol and he hated bars and he hated clubs. 

Jay was keen on working alone, he liked living alone and staying in. He hated explaining himself to others, he hated people explaining themselves to him. He hated it all.

Why couldn’t people just live as they want, without limiting themselves to their bubble? Why did every person he meets demand a good morning text and constant communication, getting irritated if Jay didn’t text back?

It wasn’t always like this and not with everyone.

Jay appreciated his friends, he loved talking to them and getting updates, whether they were Sunoo’s pictures of new plants he had gotten or Sunghoon’s daily complaining about his professor’s monotone voice. He liked Jake’s stories about random customers in his part-time barista job outside of campus, often finding himself listening to his voice notes while brushing his teeth.

But he only liked them because they all understood that Jay sometimes just…dissapeared. He did. He was ashamed of it, but when the need to be alone came, he welcomed it.

Sometimes life feels so rushed and stressful, the only solution Jay would find was to isolate himself in his dorm. He would ignore calls, ignore texts, ignore thoughts.

He’d ignore his hunger and his need for human interaction, firmly convinced he wasn’t in need of any. He’d keep the blinds low, the volume of his phone completely off, despite watching videos and series. He’d prefer silence, keen on keeping the subtitles on. He won’t read books and he won’t watch the news, he won’t attend college classes and he won’t work on assignments.

That’s just how it is.

When he told his therapist that his life would feel so gloomy all of the sudden that he would feel an episode coming, she was curious. She had asked how he knew, and he answered with a simple: “Everything turns blue.”

No explanation.

None needed.

His friends understood it. Well, as much as the next person would. They let him close himself in a bubble, detach and ignore until he felt like himself again.

If that’s how it feels to be loved, why would I need anyone else?

“It’s fine if you don’t want to go out with Jisung. It probably means it wasn’t the right person.” Heeseung simply said.

“I don’t need the right person–”

Then, Jay’s phone rang. Heeseung looked at Jay’s side, where the vibrating phone had fallen at. 

Unknown

“Huh.”

“Answer it.” Heeseung said.

“What? Why?” Jay lifted an eyebrow. “It must be spam.”

“Or not.” Heeseung continued. “Answer it.”

Jay rolled his eyes, really contemplating it. He stared at it for a second and he was about to ignore the call completely, but something about Heeseung’s reaction made him think. What if it was something important?

Jay picked up the call. “Hello?”

Some noise could be heard in the background of the other person. It sounded like a car passing by. “Hello? Is this Jay?”

Jay couldn’t recognise the boy's voice. “Yes. Who is this?”

“Are you bored, Jay?” The voice asked.

“Uhm?” Jay looked at Heeseung, who continued writing his paper. “No? Why?”

“Huh.” The voice moved a bit further from the speaker. “The graffiti must be wrong, then.”

Jay’s eyebrows connected in the middle of his forehead. “What?”

“I don’t know.” The voice replied lazily. “It says call Jay if you’re bored . chances are he is too. I thought I might give it a try, you know? College can be quite boring.”

Jay finally stood up completely, trying to understand the sentences being said to him. “What are you talking about? Who are you?”

That must’ve caught Heeseung’s attention, because he turned around and mouthed a confused what’s happening to his best friend. 

“Well, there’s this wall here and someone put your number up in graffiti.” The voice explained like it was an ordinary thing. “And right under it says to call you if I’m bored.”

“And you did?”

“Well, I am bored.” The voice said. “I wanted to test it. Seems quite scientific, you know?”

“No, I don’t know!” Jay jumped up, scaring Heeseung in the process. He sped towards the door and quickly pushed his feet inside his shoes. “Where are you?”

Heeseung pushed the laptop off his lap, but before he could join Jay, he had already left.

Jay didn’t know who he had expected to see, he didn’t even ask for the boy’s name, but given by the fact that he was standing alone in front of the huge wall just outside of campus, he didn’t have to wonder for too long.

The boy was small, smaller than Jay. He had a very gentle looking face, despite his sharp eyes. His cheeks were full, his pouty lips and eyebrows sitting in a neutral look.

He kind of looked like a cat. Jay found it quite endearing. A bit too endearing. Dangerously endearing.

His hair looked soft and untouched from any chemicals and his skin was as clean as Sunghoon’s was. The boy stood in front of the wall, his hands crossed in front of his chest, staring at it like it was talking to him. He was wearing a huge black sweater, big enough to cover his fingers and blue enough to compliment his skin colour. His sweats were big as well, hiding the red sneakers away from Jay’s sight.

Jay ran to the wall, stopping right beside the boy, taking in the faint scent of perfume. Jay turned to stare at the wall and sure enough, his phone number in red, along with the dare to call him, because he might be bored. The boy didn’t flinch upon his arrival but it was clear he had seen him.

“If you’re thinking of calling him, don’t.” He said, without turning his head. 

Jay continued to inspect the red text in front of him, looking for any clues about who must’ve done it. “Who?” 

“Jay.” The boy answered. “He’s not bored.”

Jay turned to face the boy with a lazy look. “I am Jay.”

The boy finally turned to face him, surprised. When they locked eyes, Jay felt a jump in his heart. He hated that. “Huh.”

“What?”

“You don’t look like a Jay.” The boy shrugged without giving any explanation as to why.

“I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you, but,” Jay sighed. “technically I’m a Jongseong. My nickname is Jay.”

The boy’s face lit up. He released his locked arms to point at Jay. “Now that’s more fitting.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Jongseong fits a handsome face more than Jay would.” The boy shrugged again. “I’m Jungwon.”

Jay’s eyes narrowed. Did he…did this boy even think before speaking? Let alone before acting? “Okay. You can go now.”

“Are you going to report it?”

“No.” Jay answered. "Probably not.”

“Why not? Isn’t this illegal?” 

“I don’t know.” Jay sighed. “Maybe? I don’t care.”

“Well, I think it is and I think you should report it.”

Jay scoffed. “And I said it doesn’t matter. I mean, I know who did it and why, so I might as well just ignore it.”

That caught Jungwon’s attention. “You know?”

“Yeah. I mean, not for sure, but I can connect the dots.”

“Who was it?”

Jay was about to answer when he remembered…he didn’t have to. “I’m sorry, who are you? You can go, you know, this isn’t tied to you.”

Jungwon had the nerve to look offended. “Geez, you’re so uptight.”

“What did you just say?”

“I’m just saying.” Jungwon shrugged. “You didn’t sound so bored over the phone.”

And then, Jungwon turned around with his heels, taking slow steps away from Jay. He looked at the boy, accidentally studying his mannerism, his walking and his outfit.

Then, Jay shook his head, hoping it would shake the weird feeling in his stomach, turned to the wall and took a picture. 

jay: PICTURE

jay: so this Happened

hee: wtf

hee: who did that?

jay: im guessing jisung

sunoo: how do you know?

jay: i might have said something to him

sunoo: hyung…

hee: what the hell did you say

sunghoon: he said he’s someone who gets easily bored

hee: JAY

sunoo: hyung.

hee: why would you say that

jay: I didn’t exactly say it

jay: it was implied

jay: not my fault he thought i was calling him boring

hee: jay you idiot

jay: just saying

jay: if the boot fits

sunoo: ok woody, no more dates for you

sunoo: for at least six months and a few therapy sessions

jay: yay

Jay blinked.

This was weird.

Jay was pretty popular at school, being friends with the most well-known soundcloud rapper and producer Evan, who got personally invited to parties, dj-ed every first saturday of every month and had as many songs under his name as a HYBE producer. Outside, he was Evan, the perfect-pitched singer and producer, but inside he was Heeseung, who sometimes ate two packs of buldak ramen a day, used his puppy eyes to his advantage and took care of Jay like an older brother. 

Jay was also friends with the ice king himself, Sunghoon. Sunghoon was viewed as a cryptic at school. If anyone saw him at campus grounds, they’d make it a twitter–well, X- post and talk about it for a whole week. That pissed Jay off quite often, which just got Sunghoon excited. Jay was easy to annoy. Sunghoon would just ask if Jay was jealous of the attention, to which Jay would argue that he was just concerned. And when Sunghoon made that face that Jay hated, that showed him that he wasn’t convinced, Jay would leave the room with heavy steps, but not before dropping something on the floor like a cat.

Sunoo is the sweetest person Jay knows. He loves talking to people he met a few minutes ago like they were long lost friends, was good at reading people based on their looks and body language. He worked part-time in a hotel in the city, which gave him that specific gift. Sunoo was also extremely emotionally available and emotionally intelligent, knowing immediately how Jay was feeling about a situation by the way he spoke about it or by his attitude. Jay was extremely grateful for Sunoo. It was also the only thing Jay was grateful for from Sunghoon, who introduced Sunoo to the trio when they first started dating. 

Sometimes, Jay would joke about Sunoo and Sunghoon, claiming that they were too different, that they were too opposite. But everyone knew Jay loved the couple as much as they loved each other.

So yeah, Jay was pretty popular, since he spent his days hanging around other popular guys. He liked to think that he in turn also knew everyone that went to their uni, one way or the other. 

But Jungwon?

Before he first met Jungwon at the evil wall, like Sunoo had called it, Jay couldn’t recognise him. He doesn’t remember his face, nor his name, but now?

Suddenly, he’s everywhere.

When Jay had visited the campus library earlier to pick up a book and leave an old one, he spotted a familiar brown-haired head on one of the tables, big headphones on and studying. Jungwon looked concentrated, which even though Jay didn’t know him so well, seemed really out of character for him.

Then, when Jay entered the coffee shop he and Heeseung always go to and Jake worked at, Jungwon was on the line with a few people in front of him, staring at the menu for an uncomfortable amount of time before ordering something that visibly sent shivers down the barista's spine. A pink drink came out.

At first, Jay didn’t think about it too much. Sure, he hid himself by looking away and acting busy, but he didn’t think much of it.

It was when Jay found Jungwon in a flower store that he got concerned, because what the fuck? What were the odds of these two being in the same flower store together?

Jay left the shop immediately.

“I’m just saying, hyung!” Jay exclaimed. “Isn’t it odd? Why would he be there? Why is he everywhere all at once?”

Heeseung kept playing on his phone, twirling a few strands of his hair around his finger. “I don’t know, man. Maybe he’s batman.”

“Hyung, I’m being serious here.” Jay moaned. “It’s starting to feel really creepy. It’s like I’m being stalked or something.”

“You’re not being stalked. You’re just too paranoid.” Sunghoon said.

“But it’s still so weird!” Jay sighed, melting down into Sunghoon’s beanbag dramatically. “Who the hell buys a pink drink at a cafe? Just get an Americano like a normal person.”

Sunoo suddenly appeared in front of him, which was funny, since Jay’s head was upside down. “You memorised his order?”

“No, I didn’t. It was just the drink he got.” Jay defended. “Like a huge pink drink with a marshmallow and strawberry pieces on foam.”

Sunoo’s mouth opened in shock. 

“I don’t see the problem here. Why don’t you just ask Sunoo to set you up with him?” Sunghoon asked, placing a palm around Sunoo’s thigh, pulling him to stand between his legs while he sat on Heeseung’s bed. “He won’t say anything about your obsession with him.”

“Obsession?” Jay’s head turned around to face his friend so quickly, he felt a vein pop. “Set me up? That’s not the issue!”

“Then what is it?” Sunghoon asked, still busy trying to get his boyfriend to sit on his lap. “I mean you’ve been talking about him for a week now, you know? It doesn’t sound like anything else to me.”

“I don’t know what the issue is, but I know there is one and, hold on–” Jay sat up on his elbows. “Sunoo, you know this guy?”

Sunoo finally placed an arm around his boyfriend. “Uhm, yeah. Wonie is one of my closest friends here. We have the same major.”

“Psychology?” Jay asked, refusing to acknowledge the nickname.

“Psychology.” Sunoo nodded. “I think he’s also doing something with art. He once mentioned art therapy with children.”

“Oh my God! Cute, caring and emotionally intelligent?” Heeseung looked up from his phone. “Ain’t he just a dream, Jay?”

“I don’t want to date him, hyung!” Jay said, aggressively brushing his hair away from his forehead. “I just…I don’t know.”

“Hyung, I won’t set you up with him unless you really want to.” Sunoo said, his voice low and serious.

“I don’t want to.” Jay replied in the same tone. “I don’t want to date this weirdo. I just want to complain.”

Sunoo was about to defend his friend from the weirdo allegation when Sunghoon softly stopped him with a hand on his knee. Jay’s friends considered it for a second, before allowing Jay to have the final word about it. 

It was Monday again, which meant tutoring lessons to Iroha.

Jay sat at their usual table in the library, patiently waiting for the younger girl to arrive, looking over her most recent assignment that was due on Friday. She was pretty fluent in speaking and understanding Korean, but her writing needed a bit of improvement, so the lessons mostly consisted of Jay proof-reading all of her assignments and circling the words she had written wrong. Then, he passed the piece of paper over to Iroha and helped her understand the correct characters to use with examples, to make sure she won’t forget.

But Iroha being Iroha was late once again, claiming she had to talk to her professor, so he patiently waited for her to show up. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do, nor could he get mad at students being students.

Jay’s eyes did end up wandering off his paper about colour theory and emotional connection as his curiosity got the best of him.

Last Monday, he had seen Jungwon at the table the furthest away from him, his nose buried deep into the books he was studying with. He looked immersed in his writing and had three different notebooks open on his table.

This Monday, Jay got curious. Would he see the boy again if he looked up?

So Jay did just that.

But he found an empty chair, waiting to be claimed by another sleep deprived student.

Hm.

No Jungwon in sight.

Jay misinterpreted the sinking feeling in his stomach as relief.

He didn’t want to admit to himself that what he was feeling was actually disappointment.

“Hi, oppa!” Iroha jumped in front of Jay, holding two cups of coffee in one hand, a laptop in the other. Her bag was twice her size and probably weighted as much, but she didn’t look too bothered about it. “I got you a coffee.”

“I told you you don’t need to bring me anything if you’re coming late.” Jay smiled. “It’s really no big deal. I don’t mind waiting a little.”

“Still!” Iroha protested, placing one cup in front of him. “I feel bad. And besides it’s only coffee from the library cafe. It didn’t take too long.”

“Fine. Thank you.” Jay accepted the drink and took a sip out of it. “Sweet.”

“Oh, do you like it bitter? Sorry, I can get another–”

“No, no, I like it sweet!” Jay laughed. “Thanks, really. Now sit, we have things to do.”

Iroha made a face when she looked at her paper Jay was holding onto. “Was it that bad?”

“No, no, only a few mistakes.” Jay tried calming her down as she took a seat across from him. That’s when Jay noticed a familiar brown haired boy claiming his usual spot. 

Jungwon was moving frantically, obviously trying to organise his own space before starting his own study session alone.

He was picking out books that stood in the space right behind him as if he knew the library like the back of his hand. His cup of coffee, or whatever the pink beverage really was, sat in front of him, untouched and honestly, untouchable. 

Jay tried to turn his attention towards Iroha again and that’s when he realised how long the next few hours were going to be.

Iroha spent only around thirty minutes taking care of her spelling mistakes before she turned to her newest assignment. As she started working on it, Jay turned into his own homework, treating their tutoring session as a study session with a friend.

But sure enough, the boy across from him sneezed, which made Jay look up again.

Jungwon had been sitting there for half an hour, just like them, but not once did he turn his head around to check for other people. Not even when the librarian yelled at this other guy for eating next to his borrowed books. 

It was like he was in his own bubble, not caring too much about what was happening around him.

Jay ignored his amazement.

Instead of being in awe, he thought about how Sunoo could really learn a thing or two about concentration from his friend.

Jay continued writing.

A few minutes later, Jay started to get a bit irritated.

How did this boy not see him?

Or was he ignoring Jay on purpose? To annoy him?

Jay also didn’t know what he expected from the other. Did he want a hello? Did he want small talk?

Sure, they had this small moment a week ago with the graffiti wall, but other than that, they didn’t know each other. Jungwon didn’t have a reason to speak to him. At all.

Even if they did, Jay was such an asshole to him when they were alone in front of the wall, he shouldn’t feel irritated by the boy ignoring him. If he was purposely ignoring him, that is. Technically, Jungwon had every right to ignore Jay.

Iroha had finished with the first part of her assignment when Sunoo walked in.

Jay perked up, almost calling him over, when he noticed the younger man running over to Jungwon instead.

Jungwon looked really surprised to see him, slowly taking his headphones off, and turning his body fully to Sunoo. Sunoo smiled, causing Jungwon to mirror his expression, which resulted in the whole room lighting up.

Sunoo hugged the other boy and took off his bag to sit down next to him. They talked for a while, before they both retreated to their own studies.

Jay did too.

A few days later, Jay ended up waking up too early for his 10AM class, so he made a beeline to the coffee shop, ready to spend a good 3.000 won on an iced americano with hazelnut flavour. 

Of course, Jungwon was two people ahead of him in the line. Because he’s everywhere, all at once.

Jay couldn’t help but stare at the boy. 

He ended up wondering if he was younger than Jay, since he’s such close friends with Sunoo. Maybe. Probably. At least his 5ft deep dimples made him seem younger.

The way he dressed also gave it away.

Jay himself tried to look more mature than he was, with his black clothes and leather jacket. His hair was always styled, his eyebrows were high and intimidating.

But Jungwon kept his style a bit more casual. Jay had mostly seen him with T-shirts and sweatpants, a heavy bag slung over his shoulder. One time when it was raining, Jungwon wore a huge, oversized hoodie on top of his long shirt that stuck out beneath it, the same exact outfit he was wearing when the wall incident happened. His sneakers made him seem like an active guy, probably constantly running around and needing something light on his feet for that exact reason. He wore some rings, thin enough for them to not look too grunge and a necklace with a little golden sun charm.

This outfit was a bit different. 

Sure, he was wearing a black shirt and grey sweatpants, but he had a hoodie tied on his hip. It wasn’t a huge difference, but it was enough for Jay to stare at. Jungwon’s laptop was under one arm and with the other he was paying for his disgusting pink drink again. When Jungwon turned around to leave, Jay found himself more interested in the fake plants that stood next to the window seats.

Jungwon left without even glancing at him and Jay shouldn’t care, since he didn’t even really want to interact with the younger, but it irritated him so much. Was Jay not interesting enough to look at? Was that it?

When it was Jay’s turn to order, he sighed. “One iced hazelnut americano, please.”

The barista–Woonhak, a friend of Jake’s- grabbed a cup to prepare the drink. “Sure.”

A few seconds later, Jay took his card out to pay. 

“Oh no, it’s fine.” Woonhak said, placing the drink in front of Jay.

“What?”

“Your drink has been paid.” Woonhak smiled while Jay’s mind buzzed.

“What do you mean?”

“Someone paid for your drink already.” Woonhak explained, with one eyebrow raised. 

“Huh?” Jay said, loud enough for a few heads to turn to his direction. “I mean, what? How?”

“Well, his card was already in our system, since he’s a regular and has a membership with us.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Uhm, Jungwon?” Woonhak said, sounding more like a question, rather than an answer. “I thought you knew each other? I mean he even said your name.”

“That–” Jay was at a loss of words. “What?” 

“Hey, you’re holding up the line, dude.” Someone said behind him. “I have a class to get to.”

“Shut up.” Jay said, apologising right after. Then he turned to Woonhak again. “Jungwon paid for my drink?”

“Yeah.”

Jay left the cafe abruptly.

“I mean what the fuck, hyung!” Jay said, turning to Heeseung. “What the fuck! Who in their right mind pays for someone else's drink! I mean, he doesn’t even know me, does he? He has never once acknowledged me outside.”

“I honestly don’t know what to tell you, Jay.” Heeseung tried his best not to laugh, but a giggle came out, angering Jay twice as much.

“Hyung, I’m serious.” Jay whined. “Isn’t it weird?”

“I mean, maybe. But I thought you already thought of him as a bit odd? Didn’t you say that once?”

“I guess.” Jay turned to Sunghoon. “What do I do?”

Sunghoon shrugged. “Talk to him?”

Jay scoffed. “How the fuck should I do that, genius?”

“You have his number, genius.” Sunghoon mocked. “He called you about the wall, didn’t he? So technically, you have his number on your phone.”

Fuck.

Jay hated when Sunghoon was right.

“And if I did, which I won’t! What would I say?”

Sunghoon shrugged again and Jay threw a pillow on his face.

“Just thank him.” Heeseung said. “Don’t be hostile.”

Jay rolled his eyes. "I'm never hostile.”

jay: you could’ve just said hello

unknown: ?
unknown: sorry, who is this?

jay: jay

The reply didn’t come for at least five minutes. 

unknown: bored enough to text me, jongseong?

Jay rolled his eyes. 

jay: stop mentioning that

jungwon: we’ve only talked once

jungwon: and it was because of it

Fair.

jay: still

jay: you could’ve just said hello

jay: or something

jungwon: where’s the fun in that

jungwon: also you looked kinda angry

jungwon: i didn’t wanna get yelled at

jay: i wouldn’t have yelled at you

jungwon: u never know

jay: ???

Jay looked up from his phone, glancing between his friends, who were busy enough to not notice that Jay was texting someone. He didn’t want them to know he was following their advice.

jungwon: did i make you uncomfortable?

jungwon: sorry if i did

jungwon: i honestly just wanted to pay for your coffee

jay: no

jay: you didn’t make me uncomfortable

jungwon: ok

jungwon: thanks

jay: ?

jay: for what

jungwon: idk

“What the fuck…” Jay whispered to himself and shut his phone.

Jay doesn’t text Jungwon again. He keeps him at a distance, like he always did, despite seeing him more than he saw his own friends outside in the wild.

On a lonely night, however, Jay gets out of the library around 11PM. He wasn’t studying with Iroha and he wasn’t studying across from Jungwon. He spent his night at the library finishing his homework for his therapist.

She had asked Jay to write down a list of things he liked about himself, without asking his friends about it, which he wouldn’t have done either way. 

For around an hour, he was just staring at a blank page, wondering if the words would come out by themselves, until he finally found enough courage to look inside of himself and break his character apart.

Jay was at a convenience store outside of campus grounds, getting some snacks, listening to his usual 11PM Arctic Monkeys playlist, when he got the brilliant idea that he would regret the next day.

jay: are u up?

He paid for two drinks and two bags of chips when he got the reply.

jungwon: uhm

jungwon: yeah?

jay: why?

jungwon: ?

jungwon: why are you?

jay: are you up for a walk?

It took him two minutes to reply.

jungwon: sure?

Jay sighed.

jay: its fine if you dont want to

This time, the reply came immediately.

jungwon: i do

jungwon: i could use a walk

Jay would definitely regret this.

jay: LOCATION

Around ten minutes later, Jungwon shows up, wearing an all black, cozy outfit, looking more masculine and boyish than Jay has ever seen him. Jay didn’t like how lightheaded he suddenly felt. 

Jay stood up from where he was sitting in front of the dimly lit convenience store parking lot, awkwardly holding up one bag of chips along with the weird milky drink he had gotten. 

“I hope you like spicy snacks.” He said and Jungwon hesitated at first, but accepted the offer, slowly, like a prey, scared of falling into a trap.

“I do.”

And Jay noted it down in his imaginary CV he created for people. Until now, Jungwon only had a picture and his name. Also a small paragraph about their first meeting and that he’s probably a nice person, given that Sunoo would never hang around someone who gave out negative energy. Sunoo was really picky about who he actually hung out with, despite knowing a lot of people-

It looked like Jungwon tried to smile at Jay, which he obviously failed at. It was clear that the situation was odd, and Jay suddenly felt awkward, but he tried to drown it down.

“Shall we?” Jay asked, nodding at the direction that led to a little park.

“Sure.”

Jay started walking, keeping up the same pace as the other. 

It was a quiet night. There were barely any cars passing by them and the only sound that was really surrounding them was the echo of their steps, followed by crickets and the soft buzz of the water in the Han river.

Jay studied their shadows in front of him, that moved around with every street light the two boys passed.

“So…” Jay asked, trying to seem casual. “What were you doing up this late?”

Jungwon answered quickly, as if he was expecting the question. As if they were following a script. “Watching cat videos.”

Jay looked over. “Really?”

Jungwon simply nodded.

Jay’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

“Didn’t have anything better to do.” He explained. “I was at the hospital.”

Jay blinked, stopping in his tracks for a second, before walking faster to reach Jungwon, who hadn't stopped. “Huh?”

Jungwon shrugged. “I wasn’t there for me, though, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Uhm, who were you there for?”

“My grandma.” Jungwon said in a monotone voice, like it was going to make it any less odd that he was talking to Jay, someone he barely knew, about something so personal.

“What?”

“She had surgery a week ago, so I’ve been visiting every day after my classes.” Jungwon shrugged. “Well, any day I’m not studying.”

Jay was suddenly hit with the realization that he didn’t actually know the boy. He didn’t know anything about him. He didn’t know if it was because he was constantly looking for Jungwon in crowds and places that he felt like they were friends already, but they weren’t. The only thing he knew about him was that he was friends with Sunoo. 

That was it. 

Sunoo also refused to talk about anyone unless he had been given permission, so he never really talked about Jungwon or about what he was like. 

It suddenly felt like a weird parasocial relationship.

“I’m sorry.” Jay whispered in the cold air.

“It’s okay.” Jungwon whispered back.

“I’m also sorry for asking you to meet up.”

Jungwon looked at him. “Why?”

“I don’t know. We don’t know each other.”

“So?”

“You just left your grandma to come out for a walk with a stranger.” Jay said. “I’m sorry.”

“I would’ve said no if I didn’t want to, Jongseong.”

The mention of his full name gave Jay a weird shiver down his spine, feeling it deep in his bones. “Are you going to keep calling me that?”

“Do you want me to stop?” Jungwon asked and Jay could hear the seriousness in his voice. Like if he actually said yes, Jungwon would never call him that again.

“No.” Jay said earnestly. “It’s okay.”

Jungwon hummed and opened his drink. “I’ll pay next time.”

Next time.

Jay realised he didn’t want it to be a one-time thing. And he didn’t know what it meant.

He didn’t need to know.

“How old are you?” Jay asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Twenty two.”

“Huh.” Jay said, while opening the bag of chips. “So you are a year younger than Sunoo.”

That caught Jungwon’s attention. “You know Sunoo-hyung?”

“He’s dating one of my best friends.” Jay explained. “They’re basically connected to the hip.”

Jungwon finally smiled at that. He giggled. “Yeah, he doesn’t stop talking about his boyfriend.”

Jay groaned. “Tell me about it.”

And he did.

After that, Jay and Jungwon started meeting up regularly.

Jay learned all kinds of things about Jungwon.

His age, his birthday, his zodiac sign.

Twenty two, February 9th, Aquarius.

His favourite food, his favourite book, his favourite movie.

Curry, The Alchemist, DIDI.

How he grew up with his grandmother, how empty his life would feel without her in it, how his parents were never really there.

“Were the flowers for her?”

“How did you know I was getting flowers?”

Jay didn’t answer.

Jay in turn revealed secrets of himself.

How he also grew up in a lonely home, how much he loved and appreciated his friends and how much he hated going to therapy.

“Most of the time it means that it’s helping, you know.”

“I know.”

It felt oddly freeing. Talking to someone who didn’t know your baggage. Who didn’t have enough experience with you to judge you. Someone who hasn’t been around

Jay enough to hate his guts.

Jungwon laughed when Jay told him just that.

They once met up for ice cream, despite it being midnight. Jay couldn’t sleep and neither could Jungwon, so they agreed to spend a few hours together.

“Do you still think I’m boring?” Jay asked.

“It didn’t say boring, hyung.” Jungwon argued. “It said bored.” Jungwon licked his hand that had melted vanilla ice cream dripping on his sleeve. “And sometimes, I do.”

Jay took offense at that. “Huh? Why?”

“I don’t know. I tend to feel like I bore people out.” Jungwon shrugged. “It’s not about you. Don’t worry.”

Jay shook his head softly. He couldn’t believe his ears. “You don’t bore me.”

“Would you tell me if I did?” Jungwon asked and the sincerity in his voice broke Jay’s heart in two. 

“Do you want me to?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I will.” Jay smiled, despite knowing that that would never happen.

Another night, Jay and Jungwon met up near the Han river. 

“Do you still think I’m weird, hyung?” Jungwon asked when they were walking near the water, both holding cups of ramen in their hands. Jay’s wasn’t as spicy as Jungwon's, which Jungwon found funny. He dared Jay to try it, which resolved in a bet, which in turn resolved in Jay burning his tongue. He’d never forgive the younger for that.

“Weird?”

“Yeah.” Jungwon shrugged. “You told Sunghoon-hyung I was weird for buying you coffee.”

Jay wanted to kill Sunghoon with his own bare hands. “I didn’t say that.”

Jungwon didn’t look too convinced.

“Okay, maybe I did. But I didn’t mean it in a mean way!” Jay explained himself. “I just found it odd that you’d pay for my drink even though I was being mean to you.”

“How were you being mean to me?”

Jay shrugged. “I was a little pissed off about the graffiti thing. I tend to be mean to others when I’m pissed off.”

“That’s not good.”

“I know.” Jay admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t take it personally. I mean,” Jungwon pushed him slightly on his shoulders, causing Jay to trip a little and laugh. “I figured it wasn’t the best situation to meet someone in.”

“I guess. But still.”

“Can I ask, though?” Jungwon stopped walking. “Why did the person put your number on a wall?”

Jay really didn’t want to talk about it. He really, really didn’t. But somehow he did anyway. “My friends tend to set me up for dates when they feel like I need to interact with other people.”

“Okay…?” Jungwon didn’t follow.

“And I tend to, for lack of better word, ghost the guys they set me up with.”

Jungwon shifted his weight on the other leg. “Ghost? Why?”

“I don’t know…” Jay tried finding the right words for his actions. “Sometimes, the attention or interest I get from others gets too…overwhelming. Too much so that I can’t bear it. So I kind of disappear for a while.” 

“And they take it personally?”

“No one stuck around long enough to understand it.” Jay shrugged. ”I get it, though. I don’t take it personally when they stay.”

“Has anyone really asked about it?”

“Jisung asked.” Jay replied. “You can guess how that turned out.”

Jungwon pouted. Then, his face slowly took the shape of a shy smile. “In a way, I'm glad it happened.”

Jay looked over at him, obviously perplexed by the statement.

“I mean, I met you because of it.” Jungwon smiled. “Might just be a little selfish of me.”

“You won’t be glad when I do the same with you.” Jay tried to joke. It was meant to come out as a joke. He hoped it did.

When Jungwon rolled his eyes, Jay relaxed.

“So, there’s this guy in my class–”

“No, hyung.” Jay stopped Heeseung before he could even finish. “I’m not interested.”

“Heeseung-hyung.” Sunoo glared. “I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t set Jay up anymore. He obviously doesn’t want to.”

Heeseung looked at Jay. “Do you not want to? He’s very cute! And he has seen you around a lot, so he just asked me if you’re available.”

Jay rolled his eyes at that. “No, I’m not.”

Four heads turned around to face Jay and he remembered that Jake was finally done with a very important exam that he finally had enough time to hang around with the others.

“Hold on,” Jake said. “how many episodes have I missed?”

Jay stuttered. “None! I’m just saying.”

“That you’re dating someone?” Jake asked. 

“I’m not!”

“Oh my God, you totally are!” Jake laughed. “Holy shit, who is it?”

If looks could kill, Jake would’ve been dead by now. “I’m not. I’m just saying. I'm not interested and you guys should focus on your own love life for once.”

“Hey!” Sunoo protested, grabbing Sunghoon's hand to prove a point.

“You know what I mean.” 

Sunoo shrugged, taking a seat next to Jake and curling up to him. Jake and Sunoo had been friends far longer than Sunghoon and Sunoo had been before they started dating, so the few weeks without him were enough to turn Sunoo into a clingy mess. Jay stared at his friends, who in turn stared back, obviously expecting something.

“I’m not dating.” Jay said. “I don’t want to be set up again. Okay?”

They all looked at each other in embarrassment of realising how uncomfortable they had all made their friend with their constant blind dates and questions, nodding right after. 

Jay’s irritation because of his friends didn’t help his situation at all.

Jungwon hadn’t answered in two hours and it was starting to disturb Jay’s inner peace. 

He knew the boy didn’t do it on purpose. Jay knew Jungwon was often busy, taking care of his studies and working twice as hard on them to have enough time to visit his grandmother. He knew it shouldn’t be a big deal, he knew it was something he had to get used to, but still, it left a sour taste in his mouth.

Jungwon had every right to not be on his phone, he had every right to take his time to respond.

So why did Jay feel abandoned?

It was such an odd feeling.

Usually he was the one who abandoned others and even if someone would end up ghosting Jay, he himself wouldn’t care. Normally, he wouldn’t.

So how come Jungwon turned his world upside down?

How come he felt the fear deep in his bones when it was about Jungwon?

“Jay.”

Jay looked up at Heeseung, who in turn nodded over at his phone. “Your phone.”

Jay rushed to see if there was any message from the younger, but the only notification he had gotten was that his phone was dying.

jay: u up for a walk later?

The message was still left on delivered. Unopened.

This was going to be a long night.

Jay lost on Mario Kart once again, which resulted in the other boys making fun of him and Jay having to count to ten to calm his irritation down.

It’s not their fault you’re angry, Jay.

Don’t let it out on them, Jay.

Since he had lost, he was supposed to go get more snacks. At first, he clearly didn’t want to, because that would mean he’d have to go to the convenience store he and Jungwon go to and he didn’t have the heart in him to go. Jungwon still hadn’t texted back.

Jay walked in the store, following his already memorised footsteps to the snack aisle, grabbing some bags and turning to the drinks, in turn grabbing enough sodas to feed an entire village.

He walked over to the cashier, who looked at Jay’s goods and smiled. 

“Long night ahead?” He asked.

Jay simply nodded, not caring about interacting too much. It helped that the cashier was around the same age as him, that meant he didn’t want a huge interaction like the older cashiers expect from him. It would’ve been rude to not answer.

“Not a duo tonight, I assume?”

Jay looked up from his phone, shooting a small smile to look kind. “Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I’m just asking, because usually I see you with just one other guy.”

Oh.

“Uhm, no.” Jay forced a laugh. “A big group this time.”

The cashier shrugged, placing all the goods in one huge bag, allowing Jay to pay and get out.

Jay walked out of the store, thousand thoughts running circles around his mind. 

It was weird how Jay hadn’t really acknowledged his friendship with Jungwon until now. It had only been a thing between the two of them, just two boys meeting up with nobody but the moon over their heads, no expectations of anything else and no one to disturb them. It was like the world stopped for a few hours while they got together and talked about everything and nothing, eating snacks, sharing drinks and stories about their friends and their families. 

The cashier’s comment just made it too real. Too observable. Too visible.

Like it was something. Something that had a start, which could only mean that it had an end. An end that was approaching and Jay couldn’t see it.

It wasn’t just something he could keep to himself from now on until the end of the time. It was something that was bound to be exposed, something that would sooner or later be out in the world, with everyone expecting something else to happen.

Jay dropped the bag with the things he had bought next to a car outside the store, probably from the cashier and picked up his phone.

His message to Jungwon had just been read.

He texted the group chat instead.

jay: hey

jay: i’m not feeling too well

jay: im going home

jay: sorry

A buzz came right when he started walking towards his own dorm. 

sunoo: is everything ok hyung?

hee: text us if you need anything?

Jay reacted with a thumbs up.

The next few days were boring. Uneventful. Lifeless.

Jay felt a humdrum circle around his heart, not wanting to let go.

His phone had been abandoned somewhere. Jay doesn’t remember where. He can’t look for it, he didn’t have the energy to. The motive was missing.

He remembered he had turned the volume off completely, he doesn’t remember if he had shut his phone or not. It had only been three days, so maybe it died.

At first, Jay spent some time taking care of old assignments when he quickly lost the will to continue writing. The pen felt heavy, his eyelids refused to stay open for too long.

Jay could barely stand up, let alone move around. Every step he took had nails pressing against the sole of his feet, forcing him to stay put in one space. 

His bed locked him in, refusing to let go. The blanket felt heavier than usual.

His mind stayed blank.

Nothing went through his head for too long. One second he was staring at the wall across from him, then two seconds later he was laying on his back, wondering how he got there. He didn’t hear himself turn over, he didn’t feel the mattress under his body press against him.

He’d look at his hand, inspecting every line and every spiral on his finger.

He knew his friends were probably worried. He knew.

But he couldn’t do anything about it.

He needed time.

He needed the freedom to do as he pleases, he needed to let everyone know he was free.

Sometimes he’d squint his eyes. His vision was blurry, despite not crying and wearing his glasses. Everything was blurry. So blurry all the colours mixed up and turned into an ugly blue. Maybe it was because of the blinds. Or maybe that’s how it was. Maybe everything was blue, maybe nothing had colour, maybe nothing had light.

Maybe that’s how it was.

A buzz stayed in his ears, refusing to let him listen to the soft voices that passed by the dorm. It wanted to isolate him as much as Jay wanted to isolate.

Everything was blue.

And Jay liked it that way.

Until he didn’t.

A few days later, Jay woke up hating the darkness that surrounded him.

He rolled up the blinds, squinting his eyes that were still sensitive to the bright sun across from his window that waved at Jay, urging him to turn to his room.

Jay was really glad he wasn’t sharing a dorm with another student, he was sure he’d have already gotten ten complaints about the messy situation in his room.

Books were thrown on the floor that Jay doesn’t really remember throwing, pencils and pens raided his desk and a lot of clothes were laying on the floor–so many, Jay couldn’t really see the floor.

Jay looked around in search of his phone, wanting nothing more than to text his friends. To let them know he was still there.

A few minutes later, Jay found his phone right under his rug, at the far left corner of his room. It wasn’t dead, which really surprised Jay, given he had left it there for fice days, but it was just about to die, so Jay plugged it in.

He turned his wifi on.

hee: 5 unread messages

hee: hey

hee: u good?

hee: can u text me when you wake up

hee: or well

hee: when you feel like it?

Jay replied to him first.

jay: hey

jay: im good

jay: ill be over later, kay?

hee: hey

hee: yes

hee: ofc

Next up.

Jakey: bro

Jakey: did you buy snacks and just leave them there? ill still send you the money for them

Jakey: its fine if u did

Jay rolled his eyes at his friend's fake concern about the snacks. It was obvious Jake wanted to ask if Jay was doing alright, but ended up asking about something irrelevant.

jay: no its fine

jay: dw

Jakey: >:(

Then, it was Sunoo’s turn.

sunoo: 2 missed calls

sunoo: call me 

jay: hey 

jay: ill call you later

sunoo: :-)

Sunghoon’s message only made Jay roll his eyes, chuckling to himself.

sunghoon: still alive?

jay: yes

sunghoon: good

The six messages from Jungwon left a sinking feeling in Jay’s stomach. At first, he didn’t want to open them just yet, but the stress of leaving them there ate him up inside.

jungwon: hey

jungwon: sorry i couldn’t answer earlier

jungwon: nevermind 

jungwon: sunoo told me you arent feeling too good

jungwon: can you text me when you are?

jungwon: take your time

Jay stared at the messages. He read them over and over and over again. His fingers stayed on top of the keyboard, too scared to press anything.

What was he supposed to say to that?

Jay had disappeared for five whole days. Five. Without an explanation, without anything. No sign of life, no sign of being there.

And Jungwon still sounded so careful in his texts. Like he didn’t want Jay to leave. Like he was giving him the option. 

He was just so understanding.

It made Jay’s chest ache.

jay: hey

Jay deleted it. Too dry.

jay: im back

Jay deleted that as well. You’re not that important, Jay.

jay: thank you

Jay deleted it as well. 

He felt bad about leaving the younger boy hanging, but Jungwon deserved a good answer. He really did. And Jay didn’t have one at that moment. He needed some time to think.

Jay picked up his clothes from the floor, letting them pile up on his desk chair and ran to the bathroom to take a long, hot shower. He scrubbed himself until his skin turned red, burning under the water, but Jay didn’t care. 

When he got out of the shower, he took another look at his phone. There was one new message from Sunoo.

sunoo: can you pick up drinks for our movie night tonight?

jay: sure

It was 5PM already, which meant Jay still had some time to take care of his room before heading out to go to the convenience store again. 

This time, Jay didn’t care too much about the cashier's lingering looks and expectant smile. He took care of the sodas and some bottles of soju, despite it actually not being allowed on campus grounds, but after the week they’ve all had, he knew they all needed a bit of letting go and having fun. He got chips, popcorn, different dips and even some kimchi, knowing he needed something a bit saltier.

When he knocked on Heeseung’s door, the answer came immediately. 

Sunoo stood in front of him, rushing for a hug, hunting the breath Jay was holding onto out of his system. “Hyung!”

“Hey, Sun.” Jay hugged back with one hand, the other still holding onto the bag. “I brought snacks.”

“Yay!” Sunoo jumped up and down like a little kid, taking care of the bag for him. He let the door open while walking back to the little kitchen in Heeseung’s dorm, loudly cheering about the soju bottles when Heeseung stepped out. 

“Hey.” He simply said, looking at Jay with a soft smile. “Feel better?”

Jay shrugged as an answer, taking his shoes off. “Is everyone here?”

Heeseung nodded. “More or less. Come on in.”

Sunghoon was laying on Heeseung’s bed as always, while Sunoo grabbed empty plates and bowls to fill up with the little meals. “Yum, sweet popcorn.”

Jay laughed at that, setting down next to him in front of the little table in the middle. “Sorry for–”

“It’s fine.” Sunghoon interrupted. “We’ve picked out two movies to watch.”

Give it up for Sunghoon to make Jay’s disappearances seem normal, even though they weren’t. 

For a while, it was loud and messy, the boy’s were looking for cups to fill with the alcoholic beverage, making sure that they were low enough to take shots in. Sunoo suggested playing drink if you cringe, hoping the movie wasn’t as scary or that it would make it less scary than it was. Everyone agreed.

“Hey.” Sunoo whispered next to Jay when Heeseung started looking for the movie on his Macbook, Jake trying to help him, only pissing him off in the process.

“Hey.” Jay whispered back.

“I’m sorry if I crossed a boundary telling Jungwon that you weren’t feeling too well.”

Jay crooked his neck, pretty aware that he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“I know.” Sunoo said in a serious tone. One he doesn’t use often. “Not because he told me, but because I accidentally looked at his phone when you texted him one time.”

Jay nodded slowly, dropping his head to stare at his own two hands.

“Sorry.”

Sunoo smiled. “What for? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t know why I kept it from you guys.” Jay shrugged. “I think I just…I don’t know.”

Sunoo mirrored his movements. “It’s fine. Jungwon is easy to talk to. No judgement, only understanding.”

Jay nodded. He still had to text him back. 

“I kind of knew you guys would get along if I introduced you to each other.”

Jay smiled at his friends fighting in the background. 

“I didn’t tell them, by the way.” Sunoo nodded to their direction. “Not even Sunghoonie-hyung.”

Jay was stunned. “How come?”

Sunoo pushed Jay’s shoulder the same way Jungwon did when he wanted to make fun of him. “It’s not my place to do it. And I know that they’d react in a different way.”

Jay rolled his eyes at that, because it was the truth. They’d all act like Jay was dating Jungwon and they’d make fun of it, obviously not understanding their connection and friendship.

“Is it…”

“We’re just friends.” Jay said.

Sunoo hummed. “Do you want–”

“I don’t know.” Jay answered before he even heard the question. He didn’t need to. “I don’t know if I could handle it.”

“You mean, if he could?”

Jay looked at the younger, who in turn stared at him, expecting an answer. “Yeah.”

“Did you tell him about it? Isolation?”

Jay nodded.

“And how did he react?”

Jay sighed. “Too understanding.”

Sunoo laughed silently. “My Jungwon.”

The boys watched one horror movie and a whole Black Mirror episode before they took a break to play some video games. Sunoo was a bit spooked about the movie, given that it was about an elevator ghost that seeked vengeance of people by haunting them after they played the elevator game. Sunoo did have a reputation of hating small spaces, so this actually made his fear of elevators worse.

Jake was winning against Heeseung in Mario Kart when Jay heard a soft knocking on the door. 

He turned around, counting all of his friends, one by one.

“Uhm.” He said, trying to gain his friends' attention. When he saw he wasn’t getting any, he spoke up. “Guys?”

Sunghoon turned around from where he was sitting in front of Jake. “What?”

“Someone is at the door.” Jay replied.

“So?”

“Are we expecting anyone?” 

Sunghoon only shrugged, while the others were still yelling around, trying to win. 

Jay stood up from the beanbag, making his way to the door. 

When he opened it, there was a boy behind it, a handful of drinks in front of his chest.

“Uhm.” Jay said when the other didn’t. “Hello?”

“Hi.” The boy said and his voice almost threw Jay off. It didn’t fit his face at all. “Can we come in?”

“We?”

Suddenly, someone appeared behind him. 

Jungwon.

The one and only.

Jungwon blinked up at Jay, obviously not expecting him to be there. “Oh.”

Jay couldn’t move. 

This was…

Something.

Seeing Jungwon outside when they were alone in the dark was one thing.

But having him around his usual hang-out spots with other people was different.

It was too…bare.

“Hyung.” Jungwon said simply while the other guy looked at them, back and forth, not really understanding the situation. “You’re here?”

Jay nodded, not trusting his voice to come out of his mouth without shattering. 

“Hyung, you know this guy?” The other person said, a disgust in his voice.

“That’s Jay, Riki.” Jungwon explained and the mention of his nickname gave Jay the creeps. Where was Jongseong? Why was he suddenly Jay? “One of Jake’s closest friends.”

“Huh.”

“Do I hear Riki?” Jake suddenly appeared behind Jay, jumping up to look over Jay’s shoulder. “Riki!”

That guy–Riki- smiled brightly, his whole mean appearance taking a full 180° turn. “Hi, hyung! Brought the drinks like you asked me to.”

“Hold on, Jake.” Jay turned around. “Who’s that?”

“That’s Riki.” Jake answered, like that was supposed to explain anything. He grabbed Riki by the arm, rushing him inside the dorm and Jay was glad Heeseung’s dorm was big enough for so many people. But then he turned around and locked eyes with Jungwon again.

“They, uhm.” Jungwon cleared his throat. “They’re roommates.” 

Jay hummed, not knowing how he should move. But Jungwon decided for him. “Can I come in?”

Jay jumped like he had been shot, taking a step back, allowing the younger to step in. “Sorry.”

Jungwon only nodded.

Apparently Sunoo and Jake had invited the two boys over, since they weren’t sure if Jay would be able to attend. The thought they’d have enough room for them. Which was wrong.

Because Jay was suddenly stuck sharing a beanbag with Jungwon and Riki sitting in front of them, while Sunoo, Sunghoon and Heeseung shared the bed and Jake sat himself next to Riki, pushing him and talking to him. It was too loud, too narrow.

Jay could barely breathe next to Jungwon.

There was a tension between them that neither could talk about, but both could feel.

Jay didn’t dare to really turn his head, they were too close. His knee was touching Jungwon’s, their thighs had been glued together. Jay could even smell Jungwon’s hair shampoo or oil or whatever it was. The warmth of his heavy hoodie was all over Jay, locking him up, making him all dizzy and soft.

Jay could barely focus on the movie that played in front of him, let alone listen to anything the characters were saying.

All he could really hear was Jungwon’s soft laugh when Jake joked around or when Sunoo judged the outfits the characters were wearing. 

It was too much.

At some point, Jungwon reached over to take some chips, his hand brushing against Jay’s.

He turned around quickly, apologizing softly.

Jay nodded in acknowledgement. 

It was clear that Jungwon was staying at a distance.

He wasn’t exactly avoiding Jay. He was being careful.

Like he wasn’t sure where he stood with Jay after his disappearance.

“And they take it personally?”

“No one stuck around long enough to understand it.” Jay shrugged. ”I get it, though. I don’t take it personally when they stay.”

“Has anyone really asked about it?”

“Jisung asked.” Jay replied. “You can guess how that turned out.”

It made sense that he kept his distance, but Jay didn’t want it to be like this. He had to talk to him. Alone.

But they weren’t alone.

Shit. Fuck.

“Hey.” Jungwon whispered so low, he wanted only Jay to hear.

Jay hummed.

Was Jungwon starting a conversation with him?

Jay should be the one to do it!

“Are you feeling better?” Jungwon asked, looking at the movie, not wanting anyone to interrupt them or realise they’re talking.

“Yeah.” Jay whispered back, opening and closing his mouth, expecting the words to come out of his mouth just like that. But nothing did. 

“Okay.” Jungwon replied and Jay could tell that was it. The conversation ended just as fast as it had started.

The second movie ended just like that and when Jay’s friends started talking about it, he logged out. He didn’t want to admit that all he was really thinking about during the movie was how warm Jungwon’s skin felt against him and how much he wanted them to be alone. Judging from the way Jungwon didn’t talk either, he was hoping he was thinking the same thing.

“Another one?” Heeseung asked. “We don’t have any classes tomorrow, right?”

“I have to work tomorrow.” Jake whined. “I’ll have to get back.”

“I’ll stay.” Riki said quickly, 

“I’m going too.” Jay said, regretting that he wasn’t able to talk to Jungwon privately. He chickened out. I’ll text him later, he thought.

“Riki, make sure to be quiet when you’re coming in, okay? Use a flashlight for once.” Jake pointed at the younger, making sure he nodded before he leaned down to grab his shoes.

“I’ll be going too.” Jungwon said, not really smiling, but even without a happy expression, Jungwon’s facial features made it hard for him to look serious. “I still have some assignments to finish before tomorrow.”

The others nodded along, waiting for their friends to wear their shoes, one by one saying their goodbyes.

When the door locked behind them, Jay realised that he was going to have to be alone with Jungwon for the majority of their walk back to their dorms. Jake was just on the first floor of this very same building, so Jay already started planning his conversation and his statements for later.

The three were waiting for the elevator to arrive.

“How’s your grandmother, Jungwonie?” Asked Jake, who stood between the two. 

“Oh, she’s fine, hyung! Thanks for asking.” Jungwon smiled softly. 

“Did she get home okay?”

Jungwon nodded quickly. “She went back home on Monday, so I had to clean up her place before she arrived. I missed a few classes, but Sunoo helped me get all the materials for a few essays.”

“That’s great.” Jake smiled at him, all teeth and dimples.

Jay’s heart stopped. 

She went back home on Monday.

Monday.

The day Jungwon wouldn’t answer.

Jay was the biggest asshole the world had ever seen.

Jake stepped out of the elevator, turning around for a second. “You sure you’ll be fine, Won? We can accompany you to your dorm if you want. It’s pretty dark out.”

Jungwon shook his head. “No, it’s fine, hyung. Really–”

“I’ll make sure he gets home.” Jay interrupted him, before Jungwon could finish his sentence. “You need the extra sleep, Jakey.”

Jake nodded to Jay. “Good night, guys.”

Jay repeated it back while Jungwon turned to look at Jay when the doors closed again. “Hyung, it’s fine, I can–”

“I want to.” Jay said. “Otherwise I won’t be able to go to sleep.”

Jungwon finally gave Jay a shy smile. “Okay.”

It was a windy night, but the air wasn’t as cold as it was in the morning. Jay inspected Jungwon secretly, trying to decipher if the younger was cold or not, but when he didn’t see any sign of shivering, he let it go. 

The streets weren’t as empty as the first time they had hung out, but it was quiet enough for them to feel like their bubble was closing again.

Jungwon seemed to be in his own mind, not really reacting to any sounds nor people who passed by them. It was obvious he was thinking about something. Jay could only guess what it was.

"Jungwon." Jay said, breaking the ice.

“Mhm?”

“Can we talk?” 

Jungwon turned to face his hyung. “About what?”

Jay returned the stare. “You know.”

The boy only smiled, more distantly than before. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to, hyung. I can just pretend it didn’t happen.”

Jay was taken aback.

Pretend it didn’t happen?

“We can just…go back to how it was?”

Jungwon nodded.

They continued walking for a while, Jungwon kicking some pebbles that he found in front of him, trying to fill in the silence between them.

“What if I don’t want you to pretend it didn’t happen?” Jay asked after a while.

“What?” 

Jay didn’t know if the other really hadn’t heard or if he wasn’t sure what Jay meant by it, but he didn’t repeat himself. 

“You don’t want me to pretend?” Jungwon asked quietly. “But–”

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Jay shot back. 

“No?” Jungwon replied. “Why would I be? I also didn’t reply to you for a while that day.”

Jay stuttered. “But you had a reason.”

Jungwon stopped walking. “And you didn’t?”

Jay stopped, turning around to face him, making sure there was a bit of a gap between the two. Jungwon looked tired, the dimly lit sidewalk making the bags under his eyes more visible. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a while, which meant he was probably staying up all day to take care of his grandmother.

“My reason wasn’t as important as yours was.” 

Jungwon raised an eyebrow in question. “Who’s to say?”

Jay wanted to answer, but he didn’t know what to say.

“Hyung.” Jungwon said, slowly, trying to make sure Jay heard every word that came out of his mouth. “You disappear when everything gets too much, right?”

Jay could only nod.

“And you’ve told me about it, right?”

Jay nodded again.

“So why should I be mad?” Jungwon continued. “You’ve told me about it, you’ve explained to me what goes on in your head when it does.”

Jay did do that.

“When yo tell people, it’s their decision to choose if they get angry or not. So no, I wasn’t angry.” Jungwon huffed out a breath, like he couldn’t believe Jay’s idea of what went down between them. “I was just worried.”

His heart sunk. “What?”

“Yeah.” 

“Why?”

“Hyung.” Jungwon laughed dryly. “You disappeared for an entire week. Right after you asked if we wanted to meet up.”

Jay winced.

He hated hearing it out loud. He hated that people actually noticed him. And get worried about him.

Worried.

Why was he worried?

“I honestly thought something happened to you.” Jungwon explained. “Then I thought I annoyed you. Or I overwhelmed you. But I quickly realised you only needed some time off.”

“You didn’t annoy me.” Jay said quickly, wanting to get that out of the way as soon as possible. “You could never.”

Jungwon shrugged. “I don’t know. Then I remembered. So I just got worried.”

The wind picked up slightly around them, causing the leaves to sing them a soft song. Jay looked down at the pavement, staring at his shoes.

Earlier this week Jay had asked himself what had triggered his isolation episode to happen.

This was it.

This was the issue.

Jungwon always acted wrong.

So wrong.

Wrong in the sense that he never acted the way Jay expected others to.

Clingy. Overbearing.

He never reacted the way Jay was used to.

Angry. Demanding.

Jungwon was understanding. He was accepting and loving.

Jay sighed.

“You make it really hard to push you away, you know.” Jay murmured, mostly to himself, but Jungwon heard regardless.

His face turned into something else. Smaller. Fragile.

“Was that your goal, Jongseongie-hyung?” He asked so quietly, Jay almost missed it.

Jay looked away immediately.

“No.” Jay replied. “It was, at first. But no.”

Jungwon’s pout slowly turned into a smile again. A full smile, with dimples and everything. “Good.”

Jay dared himself to look again, ending up completely blinded by the sight. 

“Do you want to come over?” Jay asked in a slight moment of strength.

“What?” Jungwon asked, surprised by the invitation.

Jay shrugged. “Your dorm is way too far. You can sleep over if you want.”

Both of them knew it was a lie. Jungwon’s dorm building was just two minutes away from Jay’s. 

But neither of them cared.

“Okay.”

Jungwon helped Jay clean up, picking up all his clothes, setting them neatly on his desk. He helps him with the dishes, moving around so quietly, Jay almost missed him when they were walking around the room.

This was the first time Jay had let anyone inside of his dorm after an episode. And Jungwon just made it so easy.

Jungwon borrows a toothbrush. He borrows a towel.

He borrows some pajamas. He borrows a long shirt.

He borrows a pillow. He borrows the right side of the bed.

In the morning he borrows an outfit. He borrows some concealer.

And that’s how Jay and Jungwon’s nights out together turn into something bigger. 

Jay should be scared, but how could he be? How could he be scared of something so sweet? Why would he ever feel the need to be scared?

It turns into a routine.

Jay picks up Jungwon from his last class, holding a cup of a pink drink–a strawberry latte with almond milk and pieces of dry strawberry on top. They walk to the library, where Jay meets up with Iroha to discuss assignments and the Korean language while Jungwon studies his psychology books. Then, Jay brings Jungwon to the bus station, says good-bye and gets to their friend's dorm. After Jungwon’s visit to his grandmother, Jay pickles him up at the bus station with chips and drinks, taking him in a short walk around their section of the Han river. They talk and talk and talk, until there’s nothing else to talk about. After sunset, Jungwon asks if he can sleep over, to which Jay has never said no to.

And their routine continues there.

When they wake up, they say nothing to each other.

Both of the boys retreat to their own routine, more than happy to live it next to each other. To add the other into their routine.

Jungwon starts by brushing his teeth while Jay brushes his hair. Then, Jay brushes his teeth, while Jungwon takes care of his hair. While Jay is taking a shower, Jungwon picks up his books he had laid out the night before, placing them in their respective place in his bag. When Jay gets out of the shower to get dressed, Jungwon runs into the bath. 

A good ten minutes later, they’re both ready to leave the dorm, Jay locking the door behind him.

Their friends picked up on it as well. The small changes in their routine.

“Want to go to the cinema tomorrow?” Jake asked while walking next to Jay, eating a croissant. “They’re playing the new Avatar movie.”

“I can’t.” Jay answered, trying to steal a piece of Jake’s croissant. “I have to pick up Jungwon at around 7PM.”

Jake groaned. “Again?”

“Sorry, dude.” Jay shrugged. “The bus station is at a pretty dangerous area, so I can’t let him go back home alone.”

Jake stared at his friend for a full minute. “Home?”

“Yeah, the dorm.”

Jake smiled. “Your dorm? Or his?”

“Uhm,” Jay had only then realised how it sounded. “mine, tonight.”

Jake tried his best not to laugh. “How long has he stayed over for? I feel like Jungwon is barely ever at his dorm anymore.”

Jay shrugged, refusing to answer. 

“So you guys just, what…sleepover at each others places?”

“He sleeps over.” Jay corrected. 

“Oh, right.” Jake giggled. “So, who asked who out?”

Jay swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

“How long have you officially been dating for?”

Jay couldn’t believe his ears. “What?”

“Jay, you can’t tell me you don’t see it.” Jake said, switching languages, deciding to hide what they were talking about by talking in English. Jay followed suit.

“What do you mean? It’s normal for friends to sleepover.” Jay explained. “We do it all the time.”

“We haven’t had a sleepover since that one night in high school where we both got too drunk to walk back home, dude.” Jake pinched him at his arm. 

“I promise you, it’s normal, bro.”

“Okay, Romeo, since it’s so normal, why don’t we all sleepover tonight?”

Jay immediately opened his mouth to protest, but stopped right after. It would’ve sounded weird if he said no.

“Okay.” Jay rolled his eyes. “Fine. But bring your own toothbrushes.”

Jay hadn’t had a sleepover with his childhood best friends in a hot minute, he had completely forgotten about how hyperactive they all get past 10PM.

Riki had also gotten incited and Jay tried his best to keep him as far away from Jungwon as possible. He didn’t know why, he only knew that he had to do it.

Jake and Heeseung had brought their own Switches to play with, while Sunoo and Sunghoon played with cards. Riki was looking over Jake’s shoulder, who was once again competing against Heeseung, so Jay didn’t want to miss the rare opportunity to talk with Jungwon.

“Hey.” Jay whispered in Jungwon’s ear, while they both collected pillows and blankets to give the others. 

“Hi.” Jungwon said, smiling at his hyung. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Jay nodded, admiring the way Jungwon’s eyebrows sat perfectly on his face. “I just don’t know how we’ll fit them all on my tiny floor.”

Jungwon giggled, looking at all the others. “I mean, they’re not that huge. Well, except for Riki, he’s like 9ft tall. If we let Sunoo sleep on the bed with–”

“No.” Jay said, interrupting the younger immediately. Jungwon looked at him, surprised. “No, no. I’m already sharing my dorm with them, I’m not about to share my own personal space.”

Jungwon wondered. “But you do with me?”

“It’s you.” Jay really hoped his cheeks weren’t as red as he felt them to be. 

Jungwon seemed to think about it for a second. “Wow, hyung. I didn’t take you for a person with favouritism.”

Jay shrugged. “Call it what you want. They sleep on the floor.”

Jungwon giggled.

It was around 1AM when the last person,Riki, shut his phone to go to sleep. An hour later, Jay was tossing and turning, trying to find the right angle to sleep at. He wanted to give Jungwon enough room to feel free in, so Jay took the space on the left, giving Jungwon the side of the wall.

Jay turned on the one side, being met with Heeseung snoring on the floor next to him. He decided against waking up next to that so he turned to Jungwon, who he was surprised to see awake, looking at his phone.

Jungwon took a peak behind his phone and upon seeing Jay wide awake, he shut his phone, letting it fall next to his pillow. “Hi again.” He whispered.

“Hi.” Jay whispered in the same tone. “Can’t sleep?”

“I can.” Jungwon replied. “Just wanted some time with myself.”

“Sorry. I can turn–”

“No, hyung. It’s fine when it’s you.”

Jay smiled at that. He moved his body closer to Jungwon, until their noses were just a few centimeters away from touching.

“You know, hyung,” Jungwon said and Jay hummed, giving his whole attention to the boy in front of him. “This is fun. We should do this more often.”

“Really?” Jay asked, counting the beauty marks on Jungwon’s face. “We do it already though.”

“Yeah, but not with the others.” Jungwon said, freezing for a second, when Jay’s hand reached over, touching Jungwon’s ear softly. “Even Riki fit into the group easily.”

Jay replied by flicking his ear, causing Jungwon to smile even brighter. “I don’t want it.”

“Of course you don’t, hyung.”

“Mhm…” Jay pressed his thumb gently on Jungwon’s eyebrow, following the line down. “They’ll get in my way.”

Jungwon kissed his teeth. “What way?”

“You know.”

“Ah, yeah.” Jungwon whispered, slowly moving forward, their noses now touching. “They’ll get between us, you mean? Then you’ll be forced to share me with them?”

“Exactly.”

Jungwon laughed softly, despite it not being a joke. “I didn’t know you were this possessive, Jongseong.”

Jay let his palm rest on Jungwon’s cheek. “I didn’t either.”

Jungwon’s eyes and smile softened immediately. He allowed Jay to keep touching and caressing his face for a few minutes, before pressing a soft kiss on his thumb, causing Jay to smile bright.

“You keep staring at me like you’ve got something to say.” Jungwon whispered after a while. 

Jay shook his head. 

“You’ve got something to do?” Jungwon asked instead, receiving a nod right after.

“Maybe.” Jay admitted, softly touching Jungwon’s lip with one finger.

Jungwon didn’t joke this time. He didn’t tease, he didn’t laugh. 

He only stayed still, his eyes moving around Jay’s face, looking for something. Searching for amusement, looking for a joke. But all they found was earnestness.

Jay hated how gentle Jungwon’s eyes were on him. How careful he was. How patient.

That only made Jay want more. More than he could ever deserve.

It was Jay who moved first, but only barely. 

Their noses were now right next to each other and Jay stopped right there. He wanted to give Jungwon the option to back down. To back off and act like nothing had ever happened.

But Jungwon had other plans.

He inhaled softly against Jay’s lips. “Still okay?”

Jay could’ve laughed. He should’ve.

Because even now, in this position, Jungwon was asking him if it was okay.

And Jay could only answer by leaning in the rest of the way.

The kiss was soft. It was so soft, Jay felt like he’d melt.

Warm lips against his. 

A shared breath.

One second.

Two.

And Jungwon was pressing back with the same soft force. He was careful, gentle, and smiled a little. Just enough to make Jay’s stomach turn inside out.

It wasn’t messy. It wasn’t desperate or chaotic.

It was thought out, deserved. 

It was real.

Jungwon’s hand slowly reached up, his fingers curling around Jay’s wrist before resting there gently, right over Jay’s pulse, like he was scared Jay would disappear if he didn’t.

Jay wouldn’t dream of it.

When they pulled apart, neither of them moved too far. Only enough to actually look each other in the eyes.

Jungwon stared at him for a long moment and Jay stared back, with a kind smile on his face. Just when Jungwon was about to say something, his words got lost between them by the force of a huge yawn.

Jay breathed out a laugh, trying his best not to wake the others.

He pulled on the covers, drowning Jungwon’s body under them. Jay patted the cover down with one hand, letting it rest over Jungwon’s shoulder and caging him in.

Jungwon’s eyes slowly dilated as he pressed his face on his pillow. “I can’t believe we just kissed in a room full of sleeping people.” He whispered and Jay drew circles on his back.

“Good night, Wonie.”

Jay was the first to wake up.

His eyes immediately landed on the boy in front of his face.

Jungwon.

Sleepy, little Jungwon, completely unaware of how peaceful he was, how peaceful he looked and how peaceful he made everyone around him.

What started as a borderline prank call ended in this situation.

Jay finally waking up next to someone and not feeling the need to leave, leave, leave.

Like they were set on stone. Like it was meant to happen.

Jungwon stirred in his sleep, as if he could feel someone’s eyes on him and Jay could only freeze. He would never forgive himself if he were to wake him up.

But someone’s phone had other plans.

Heeseung’s military sounding alarms started blasting through his speakers, buzzing and buzzing, until the boys started waking up one by one. Jay removed his arm from around Jungwon’s waist when he felt him move under his grip, standing up right after, to give him more space to stretch on.

Sunoo made a sound like a kitten, stretching in the arms of his own boyfriend, kicking Riki’s back in the process, who was laying next to him. Heeseung jumped up, immediately searching for his bottle of water like a stranded whale. Jake shot up like he had been shot, his hair facing every direction of the room.

If Jay had his phone next to him, he’d take a picture.

“What time is it?” Jungwon’s voice came out raspy and Jay was suddenly glad they don’t talk much when they usually wake up. This voice would’ve been the death of him.

“It’S 9AM.” Heeseung answered, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“Don’t rub your eyes, hyung.” Jay warned. “Why did you put a 9AM alarm?”

“Shit, it’s nine?!” Riki yelled, standing up immediately and running to the bathroom. “I have a class in thirty minutes!”

“Me too.” Heeseung yawned, following the other into the bathroom.

“I’ve got work.” Jake continued. “I have to get to my dorm first though.”
And slowly, the boys stood up, taking care of their things and clothes, changing in the middle of the dorm.

Jay turned to face Jungwon, who was looking at him confused.

“Do you have any classes?” He asked the younger, who answered by shaking his head. Jay took it upon himself to fix Jungwon’s hair, brushing it away from his face with his fingers. In a moment of silent courage, Jay leaned down to press a soft kiss on Jungwon’s forehead. “Lay back down again, then.”

Jungwon shook his head with a soft smile on his face. “It’s fine. I’m awake now, so.”

“I’ll kill Heeseung-hyung if you want me to.”

Jungwon laughed.

One by one the boys left Jay’s dorm, wishing each other a good day.

Jake left first, along with Sunghoon who was complaining about not being able to shower at Jay’s, since the bathroom was occupied. Then, Sunoo left with a promise to Jungwon to meet up later than day. Riki was next along with Heeseung, despite the two being the ones who needed to be out as soon as they woke up.

Heeseung gave a meaningful smile to Jay, who only shut the door on his face as a reaction.

Jungwon was in the tiny kitchen, boiling eggs and taking some pieces of bread out of the bag. He placed two plates on Jay’s desk, while Jay himself took care of all the blankets on the floor. On the one hand, he felt bad for forcing his friends to sleep on the floor, as they had all complained about their necks hurting a few minutes ago, but on the other hand, they were the ones that had begged for a sleepover. 

Jungwon put water in the kettle, turning it on and Jay automatically grabbed two mugs from the cabinet over Jungwon’s head. He touched Jungwon slightly in the process, making the younger jump at the touch and smile.

Jay finished folding the last blanket, when Jungwon started brewing the coffee, making the dorm room smell all nice and cozy. He turned around, taking a look at the view in front of him.

Jungwon.

His Jungwon.

Jungwon brewing coffee in Jay’s kitchen, in Jay’s dorm, wearing Jay’s hoodie.

Jungwon noticed his staring, obviously, because he turned around, blinking up at his hyung. “What?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Jay answered easily.

Jungwon didn’t look convinced, but he let him have it.

They sat across each other, preparing their coffees and chewing on break with butter. Jay peeled a boiled egg, passing it on to the other, who accepted it with a smile. 

Jay couldn’t ignore the warmth of their knees touching under the table.

“That was fun.” Jungwon said after a while.

“What was?”

“The group sleepover.” Jungwon replied, taking a bite of his egg.

“Mhm, no.”

“You’re only saying this because you don’t want to share. You just like me too much.” Jungwon reminded him and Jay stayed quiet. 

One beat.

Two beats.

Jungwon looked up, concert written all over his face. “Too much?”

Jay shook his head. “Sorry. I’m just not really used to this.”

Jungwon cocked his head. “To what?”

Jay looked around the room.

Two plates. Two mugs.

Two toothbrushes in the bathroom.

Two pillows on his bed, but one shared blanket.

“Someone staying, I guess.” Jay shrugged one shoulder. “Someone deciding to stay.”

Jungwon put his mug down softly, making sure it doesn’t leave a sound. “I told you already, hyung.”

“I know.” Jay nodded.

“Then why are you still so surprised?”

Jay shrugged again, and Jungwon stood up. He patted down his hoodie, as if he had crumbled on it and took two steady steps towards Jay. Jay in return turned around, opening his legs, allowing Jungwon to stand between them.

Jungwon looked down at Jay, who gave him his full attention, no longer caring about his breakfast. It was just food anyway.

Jungwon reached out, cupping Jay’s face with his two hands and making him look up. Jungwon leaned down, locking their gazes. 

“I want to stay.” Jungwon said, seriously but gently. “And I will. I’ll stay for however long you want me to. I’ll stay until you tell me to leave.”

Jay responded by curling his arms around Jungwon’s waist, urging him to get closer. “And what if I never want you to go?”

Jungwon smiled at that, leaning into the touch. “I think you just answered your own question, hyung.”

Jay didn’t answer right away. He just simply stared at the gift sent from God himself, like he was trying to memorize his face. Like he’d disappear and Jay had to look for him in everyone.

Jungwon just looked so beautiful. So fitting. In the middle of his room, with the sunlight softening his skin, making his hair shine brighter than ever before. H

His grip on Jungwon’s waist tightened slightly.

“Can you say it again?” Jay asked.

Jungwon blinked. “Say what?” 

“That you want to stay?”

A small pause. A bird was singing a morning song right outside of the dorm.

“I want to stay.” He repeated softly, leaning down and down, closer to the other. “I want to stay with you.”

And that did it.

Something in Jay finally gave in, accepting all the love and attention he could from the other. 

He pulled Jungwon forwards, until he was sitting on Jay’s lap.

It wasn’t sudden.

It was close.

Close enough that their foreheads brushed first, followed by their noses, followed by their lips.

Jungwon’s hands stayed on Jay’s face.

Jay’s arms stayed locked around his waist.

They both titled their heads just slightly–

Their lips met again, slower than the night before.

This time, no one was around. No one was there to witness it.

No sleeping people.

No alarms.

No excuses.

Just their shared morning, the warmth and the soft smell of coffee that lingered around them.

Jungwon exhaled softly against Jay, like he’d been holding in a breath for days, waiting patiently to release it for him. His fingers slipped into Jay’s hair, not pulling, just anchoring him right then and there.

Jay kissed and kissed and kissed, barely breaking away with every kiss and every tilt. And when he did pull away, it was just enough to take a breath and dive right back in.

It wasn’t messy. It wasn’t rushed.

It was the kind of kiss that could only ever be written about in fairy tales. Because it felt like comfort. It felt like home.

Jungwon smiled against his lips mid-kiss, and that alone made Jay pause, unable to hold back his butterflies in his stomach.

They pulled away.

“You’re smiling.” Jay whispered.

“How can I not?” Jungwon replied. “Aren’t you?”

Jay huffed a quiet laugh, brushing his thumb over Jungwon’s cheek. “I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.”

“Good.” Jungwon said, before kissing him again. Softer this time, like he was trying to make a point. Jay kissed back like he finally stopped holding himself back from it.

And when they finally broke apart, it wasn’t distance that followed, but two foreheads resting against each other.

Their breathing synced.

Neither of them moved away first.

But one of them spoke.

“I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with.” Jay said and Jungwon nodded. “It won’t always be fun and sweet and I don’t want you to go into this blind.”

“Okay.”

“I’m depressed.” Jay said, finally free from the heaviness of carrying it around with him. “I have severe depression. I get lost in my own head sometimes.”

“I’ll help you find the way out.” Jungwon smiled, like it was the most obvious thing.

“I’ll push you away. A lot.”

“I will give you space when you need it.” Jungwon brushed Jay’s hair away from his face, the same way Jay did sometimes.

“I’ll need reassurement. I don’t know how much, but it will piss you off.”

“It won’t.” Jungwon promised. “I’ll give you as much reassurement as you need.”

Jay ran a hand up and down Jungwon’s back. “So you’re just…saying yes? To all of it?”

Jay searched Jungwon’s face for any type of hesitation, any type of change in his body language. But he found nothing.

He didn’t know what to do with it.

Jungwon caressed Jay’s cheek with his thumb. “I’m not saying yes to all the problems, hyung.” 

Jay’s eyes softened when Jungwon leaned in again, stopping right where their noses would touch. 

“I’m saying yes to you.” 

Jay closed his eyes for a second, counting to five, trying to ground himself. When he opened them again, his grip on Jungwon’s waist tightened just slightly.

“You might regret this.” Jay whispered, half joking, half serious. “You can always let go.”

“I don’t think so.” Jungwon shook his head. “I think I’d regret it more if I didn’t try.”

Jay smiled, pressing a sure kiss on Jungwon’s lips again, before resting his face on the younger's shoulders.

“Remind me to send Jisung a thank-you card later.”