Chapter Text
Shane
We didn’t even kiss. The words peer back at Shane through his tears. They are true. They hadn’t kissed, not from lack of trying on Shane’s part. In truth it’s all he had wanted that night. He would have forgone the sex and everything else for a simple kiss and wasn’t that pathetic. If he had won tonight that is all he would have asked Ilya for. He probably would have said no. Ilya does not feel the same way as Shane that was made clear by the six months of unanswered texts and the way Ilya had acted at the Olympics. Shane feels even stupider in retrospect. Ilya was trying to give him a signal with those six months. Tried to give Shane a chance to figure it out and not embarrass himself because Ilya was kind like that. God, what in the world had made Shane think that he was worthy of Ilya. Ilya could have anyone in the world, why would he want Shane. Shane was difficult, not just because he was a man, though that was a major issue, Shane as a person was difficult. He didn’t get social cues and pushed too hard. Ilya had to hold his hand all the way through sex that he had waited 2 years for because Shane was afraid. Shane, whose parents wouldn’t mind if he was gay, who wouldn’t be deported and imprisoned for being gay, was the one afraid. And Ilya had done it. He had been so gentle and kind, leading Shane and making sure he felt good because he was the kind of guy to do that, because he was nice and Shane went and made it more than it was. Ilya had given him the same signal again in the bathroom. This is sex, good sex, but no more than that and Shane again made it more than it was. He fell in love with Ilya. And now he was heartbroken in a Las Vegas elevator because his fuckbuddie hadn’t kissed him.
He had to fix this. He couldn't let himself keep getting hurt, or keep hurting Ilya. He couldn’t let himself feel like this ever again. Not for a man who rightfully doesn't want him. But, he couldn’t get rid of these feelings on his own. He knew that. He had tried and look where he ended up. He knew that he would never be able to stop loving Ilya on his own, he was not strong enough for that. Maybe if he never saw Ilya again, but that wasn’t an option. An idea crossed his mind. He couldn’t get rid of these feelings, but there was someone who could and she was in Vegas right now. She would help him, she had helped others. His situation was a little unique but they were old friends she would help if he asked. He deleted those damning 4 words on letter at a time and pulled up a different contact. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the irony.
Lily (Witch)
You
Hey Lily. Do you still live in Montreal?
Lily (Witch)
No, sorry.
I live in Boston right now
Better work here
Kind of ironic now that I think about it
She was right. Shane could almost cry at the irony. At least if the team ever really started pushing about Boston Lily he would introduce them to her. That would be interesting to say the least.
Lily (Witch)
Sorry about the award thing.
Could have gone to either of you
You
It's fine. Rozanov deserved it. I’ll get it next time.
Lily (Witch)
I’m sure you will. Nothing motivates you like a loss
Was there something you needed
You aren’t usually up this late
Are you okay
Do you need me to hex some for you?
Shane laughed a little at that. Lily was the only one who could read him that well. Other than Ilya, the torturous part of his brain reminded him. Lily was a good friend. She would hex someone for him. She had before. One of the players on his high school hockey team had been unusually cruel to him for his oddities and had ended up with a permanent stutter and a sudden taste for some of the weirdest food Shane had ever seen. Lily had never been bothered by his oddities as she had plenty of her own other than the witch craft. Unfortunately the solution this time would not be as simple. He knew she was capable of what he would ask, but that wouldn’t make the process any easier.
You
Yeah. I need a favor.
Can we meet?
Lily (Witch)
I can do a favor for you
But it is really late
And we are in different time zones right now
If you don’t need to go back to Montreal right away I can send you my new address and you can fly here to meet me
When are you free
You
Yeah sorry.
I don’t need to be back right away.
It is the off season now officially.
Are you free tomorrow and the day after?
If not, that's fine.
It’s not super important.
Lily (Witch)
It’s okay babes
It must be important if you are texting me this late
And are willing to get on a plane here tomorrow
I’m free don’t worry
Also don’t worry about a hotel you can stay with me
Do you need to talk about it?
Shane swallows. He will have to talk about parts of this with her tomorrow. She won’t do this if he doesn’t explain himself. He is really hurt right now and maybe talking would help. Hell, even her asking something as simple as do you need to talk is chasing away some of the cold that started to creep in after leaving the room. But, he needs time. He needs to figure out exactly what he will tell Lily. He could tell her everything. She wouldn’t tell anyone, but the idea of saying all of it outloud to anyone is terrifying. Also, Lily is a hopeless romantic, she might not let him. She might try to convince him to pursue this will Ilya. To tell him how he feels first, but he can’t. She will mean well, but he can’t do that to Ilya. She will not understand. She will hear him tell her how great Ilya is and tell him that he should try for more with him. She was one of Shane’s best friends and is kind of blind to his faults. She would not tolerate him saying that he was the one who was not enough. And he loved her for it most of the time, but it would not help now. No. He will get his thoughts in order tonight and see her tomorrow.
You
No. I’m okay. I need to get my head together.
I just need sleep.
I’ll be okay.
Lily (Witch)
Okay
If your sure
Call me if you need to
<3<3<3<3
Shane is feeling a little bit better and it will be infinitely better tomorrow. He just needs to get his story straight and sleep. Everything will be okay tomorrow. His chest still hurts. He still feels cold and hollow, but his solution has given him hope. Even if that hope tastes a little bitter.
Ilya
Ilya Rozanov felt like shit, which was strange because he had just had some of the hottest sex of his life. Any sex with Sha-Hollander was good sex, even when it had just been blow jobs. Shane was so sweet and there was something so intoxicating about how much trust he put in Ilya’s hands so easily. But it was too much trust. Ilya should not be trusted with anything as good and sweet as Shane Hollander. Good things tended to break in his hands and he would never forgive himself if he broke Hollander. But you did. Ilya shoves the thought away as viciously as he can muster. It’s true though. He can’t help but think back to the Olympics where Shane had been so kind to him even after he had ghosted him for 6 months. He hadn’t even really been trying to start anything with Ilya, he had genuinely wanted to make sure he was alright. No one had done that for him since his mother died. Well Svetlana kind of did, but she didn’t tend to push him if he gave the impression that she didn’t want to talk. And she understood him pretty well already and didn’t have to fight for scraps of understanding. That sincerely from Shane had felt even more dangerous than the idea of Shane starting something visibly romantic in a country where the existence of gay people was illegal.
Then, even after Ilya had said some truly awful things to him, not many would have noticed the subtle signs of how much being called boring in that way had hurt Shane but Ilya had and it killed him. Shane being boring was one of the best things about him. He was readable, dependable, predictable, things that no one had been for Ilya, perhaps ever. His mother was nice enough, but the depression was unpredictable. She was never mean, but she did disappear many times before that final time. Calling Shane boring as if it was an insult had tasted bitter in Ilya’s mouth and still made him feel a little sick even now. Despite all that Shane still came back. Sure he had been angry in the bathroom, but he had come up to Ilya’s room. Still listened to Ilya’s demands as if they were something worth listening to. He had let Ilya push him into unfamiliar territory, something he knew Shane hated most of the time. And Ilya had rewarded him with a drink he knows he hates, the smell of cigarettes, and less dignity than Ilya would ever even consider letting his other hook-ups leave with. He had sounded so desperate when he announced that he was leaving. Ilya had not failed to notice how long he took to get dressed, how long he lingered for what Ilya did not know. Yes you do. You notice how hard he tried for a kiss, how much he wanted that usually normal part of hooking up. He had and then he had held Shane’s face into the pillows and fuck him from behind in a desperate attempt to avoid kissing him. Because Ilya Rozanov was in love with Shane Hollander. In truth it was hard not to be. He was so earnest and sweet. Trusting. But Ilya couldn’t have him. Shouldn’t have him. He’ll just hurt him. Like you did by treating him like a whore? By treating his submission and trust like a given rather than a gift you have never done anything in your life to deserve.
Yeah, like that. Ilya really hadn’t meant to. Ilya tried to be kind and gentle to all the people he slept with, unless that's not what they wanted. He felt the need to do so even more so with Shane that first time. Not only because Shane was a virgin, but because he seemed so nervous and Ilya wanted it to be good for him. It's why he had gladly waited 2 years until Shane was ready and comfortable. Shane was also submissive and trusting in a way that Ilya is sure he didn’t and maybe still doesn’t understand. Ilya didn’t understand much better, but he at least knew that it would leave Shane vulnerable to being hurt during that first time and going forward. Crazy as it may sound he wanted to show Shane how someone should treat him while in that head space so he doesn’t get hurt with any future partners (even if the thought of other partners being with Shane made Ilya sick for reasons he refused to admit to or explore). He will admit it now, if only to himself. He had meant to tell Shane. If Ilya was being completely honest he had know after that first time fucking Shane. Since that cute boy with freckles told him he couldn’t smoke there and shook his hand twice. Ilya knew that he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t love a man. Sleeping with one was fine, but he couldn’t let it get more complicated than that. He couldn’t risk ruining Shane or his chances to find the love of his life. But he also knew that he needed to make that very clear to Shane. He had to explain or Shane would spiral. Shane needed to understand things, it was one of the many endearing things about him, if he wasn’t given an explanation he would find one. And as smart as Shane was, he would come to the very wrong conclusions. He would blame himself and think that it was a problem with him, not Ilya. He tended to do that. He carried his team on his back and blamed himself for every loss even when it wasn’t his fault. Ilya couldn’t let that happen, he needed to be clear. Too bad Ilya was terrible at that.
He had a bad few months for reasons he could not explain (the stress of going back to Russia and seeing his father on top of the regular stress of the Olympics) after that where he forgot to text Shane. It was only after he had stopped feeling like he was drowning did he look at his phone and see all of the missed texts from Shane. That has almost thrown him back into his bad feelings. He had ghosted Shane for months without meaning to and it was too late. The Olympics were coming up. And the idea that this was better started to creep in. Shane might not accept Ilya's reason and try to hold on tighter to help Ilya if he knew that he was creating distance for a noble reason. He seemed good at tricking Shane into thinking that he was a good man. Maybe if he hurt Shane, Shane would be more willing to leave. Ilya selfishly wanted to make sure that Shane never saw how terrible Ilya truly was, but he might need to to protect Shane. It was not safe for them to talk then and Ilya wasn’t really in a place to talk to Shane the way he deserved. He could either deal with Shane or deal with his father and only one of those was truly optional. And then Shane had to go and be really sweet. He hadn’t tried to start anything, he just wanted to know if Ilya was okay, not seeming to truly understand the danger. Which Ilya was glad about. He was thrilled that Shane’s greatest fear in being outed was losing his career, which was bad for a man as obsessed with hockey as Shane, but it wasn’t imprisonment or murder. Ilya would also bet, based on what he had seen from Shane’s parents, that they would love and accept him unlike Ilya’s family. All that to say that he was thrilled that Shane didn’t personally understand that fear and the stakes, it was stressful as he didn’t want Shane to be hurt. But the look on his face and his quiet acceptance hurt Ilya more than it should have. Then he had seen Sasha. It should have been a good night with an old fling, but he felt nothing but mild annoyance at Sasha’s advances. He wanted nothing to do with him and for a moment he won’t even admit to himself he found himself wanting Shane.
His solution to his problems was to throw himself as hard as he could into winning the cup that year and it worked. He had not thought about Shane much for the entire rest of the season and he definitely didn’t miss him. He also won the cup. Lifting it over his head and shouting for his mama had been one of the best feelings in the world. Then later his treacherous brain had been proud that he had won before Shane and more privately he had wondered if Shane was angry or proud of him. As if summoned by Ilya’s thoughts he had received a message of congratulations for Shane. That almost felt better than the cup, before the guilt slipped back in, but Ilya was strong in his resolve to let Shane go. Until he saw him at the awards show. He had been upset at Ilya in that cute way he always was for being late. He couldn’t know that Ilya spent that time trying to harden his resolve in a bathroom, before giving up and deciding that he would sleep with Shane tonight to prove that he could do this with no feelings, and thus continue what they had prior to the Olympics. And if Shane’s angry face had made Ilya’s heart flutter, that was no one's business other than his own. And if he made sure to keep the selfies he had taken just so he could have an excuse to have photos of Shane on his phone, no one could prove it.
The bathroom after had been the worst of it. He had had no intention of following Shane, but like a moth to a flame he could not help it. True to Ilya’s expectations he had been angry, but he had been unexpectedly willing to crawl right back to Ilya. He had expected more anger when he told Shane to beg to suck his dick. He had expected to be called an asshole, told to fuck off, but Shane surprised him by folding instantly. He had begged so pretty and sweet and there was nothing Ilya could do to resist him, even as the guilt tried to crawl back up his throat. Instead he had told Shane that he would see him later. He forced Shane to wait more. One final test and Shane passed with flying colors. The only text to answer the months of communication from Shane. A room number. Cold and clear, but full of promise. He had let Ilya take everything he wanted, let him enjoy his body in a way he knew Shane was unfamiliar with and had gotten nothing in return, had not even asked. Hadn’t thought he could ask. Was willing to humiliate himself just to keep any scrap you give him. Shane should feel the right to ask the world and Ilya should give it to him and be the one to ask nothing more in return than Shane looking at him. You didn’t even do that. He put on a show for you and you fucked him from behind like a cheap whore.
Ilya groaned as his circling thoughts ruined what was left of his post orgasm glow. Against his better judgment he picked his phone up and looked at the contact in his phone he had not been strong cruel enough to block months ago. The wall of text from Jane still sent a bolt of guilt though him. None of it had been dirty or heaven forbid cruel. Shane was not capable of that when it came to Ilya. As he watched the three typing dots appeared under Jane’s name. Ilya held his breath. What would Shane type? A simple see you next season? A good night? Or would he express his anger now that they were no longer face to face? Would he tell Ilya that he never wanted to see him again? The thought made Ilya panic in a part of himself that he would not acknowledge. He could take anger, but not a refusal to see him again. He need Shane more than he was will to admit. Maybe it would be none of that. Maybe Shane would express his hurt. Maybe he would beg Ilya for an explanation, tell Ilya how hurt he felt, how much he need Ilya to fix this. Ilya should put the phone down. If any of the appeared on his screen he knew that he would not be able to stop himself from searching the entire hotel to find Shane and kiss him until there was no pain in Shane’s face or heart. He would make Shane understand how much he ment, how much it would kill Ilya to lose his, how stupid and cruel it was for Ilya to hurt him. How cruel he was for loving Shane. How little he cared for that brand of cruelty. He would worship at Shane’s feet for the chance to see him smile at him. Beg for Shane to never be sad again.
The dots disappeared and did not reappear that night. It should have helped Ilya’s resolve. But it didn’t. The spiral and revelations brought on by those simple three dots had undone Ilya in a way that no distance could fix, could make him want to fix. He was in love with Shane Hollander and would give him everything he wanted, need from Ilya. He would rip his beating heart from his chest to see a flash of his smile. And Ilya was sure that Shane at least wanted him too. Maybe it wasn’t love like it was for Ilya, which would be better for him, but he wanted all Ilya would give for now, so he would have it. Shane had probably never felt like this before and could think he loved Ilya and that Ilya was worth that love. Shane seemed to undervalue his love. Ilya would fix that. He would give his all to Shane in the hopes that it was love and that he could have Shane. He would not be selfish though. He would guide Shane to know and understand his worth and would let him go when he found the one that was truly perfect for him. Until then, Ilya could be a little selfish and enjoy Shane for as long as he would let him, and silently hope for forever.
He thought about texting Shane. Inviting him to talk or something. Anything that would calm the emotions no doubt dancing around in his head, but ultimately decided that Shane would need space to process. Part of the problem with Ilya had been the hot and cold sudden changes. He would let him process and then work his way back into Shane’s heart. A sudden change might startle and chase him away. Shane didn’t like sudden changes.
Shane
Shane woke the next morning feeling hollowed but determined. He had figured out exactly what he needed from Lily and exactly what he would tell her. He picked his phone back up after getting dressed. He texted his parents that he was visiting an old friend who he had just discovered was in Vegas and that he would be back to Montreal later. In truth he had gotten a ticket to Boston last night for a flight that left today. He panicked for a moment that he would end up on a flight with Rozanov, but remembered that, if the pattern from their first awards show held true, Ilya would be on a plane back to Russia not Boston. He then opened his texts with Ilya hoping for something, anything that could convince him that he was wrong when he had spiraled last night. Some indication that Ilya felt the same as him. That he didn’t have to do this. But there was nothing. Shane was right. He had made something out of nothing. Taking a breath to center himself and chase the disappointment away he opened the real Lily’s contact and let her know that he had a flight and when he would arrive. She sent a thumbs up back and asked again if he needed to talk. He replied that he would talk when he got there.
He kind of dissociated though the flight. It left at nine in the morning so he was arriving in Boston around two in the afternoon. As promised, Lily was there to pick him up. She chatted with him the whole ride to the apartment. Meaningless, fluffy stuff that allowed Shane to settle and center himself without an awkward silence. When they arrived at the apartment Lily showed him where he could spend the night and put his singular bag in the room. As soon as they returned to the kitchen Shane tried to start his story and requested only to be interrupted.
“No dear, this sounds serious,” Lily says, holding up her hand and moving to one of the cabinets near the stove. She pulls out a kettle which she hands to him before going back into the cabinet. “You know the rules. Serious conversations are only to be had over tea. Now, is this a lemon ginger or a vanilla chai conversation?” Shane stares stunned for a second before filling up the kettle and handing it back to Lily to put on the stove.
“Um.. It’s… Well, it’s,” he stutters trying to articulate what kind of problem this was without explaining it as not to break Lily’s rule. She looks him up and down.
“It’s complicated isn’t it?” He nods. “It’s about love isn’t it?” That one he doesn't quite answer.
“I want you to do the Hanahaki spell on me.” Lily pauses searching though the cabinet and turns toward him slowly, an expression he can’t quite read on her face. She purses her lips for a second before clearly deciding not to ask further yet. She turns back to the cabinet and reaches for the top shelf.
“This is a hawthorne and rose conversation then. Sit down. There should be some tea biscuits in the cabinet by the fridge. They should fit in your diet.” Shane goes over the said cabinet and finds the tin of homemade biscuits and sits at the table while the water boils. No more than 2 minutes of silence later, Lily sets two mismatched but very beautifully intricate tea cups on the table and fills them. She lets Shane pick first as is her tradition. He picks the black on with gold flower detailing. Lily nods and sits next to him.
“Okay start where you need to. What is going on dear.” Shane takes a spit of his tea to fortify himself. It is delicious and clearly expensive. He’ll have to pay her back for using her good tea for his problems. The tea helps, as does the kind but worried look in Lily’s eyes. They are so different from his Lily’s eyes. They are much darker with a lighter ring around the center. They are just as deep and beautiful in a different way. He feels like they mesmerise him with their depth. But they were heavy. Rozanov’s were lighter and he wanted to get lost in them. They mesmerized him for an entirely different reason and that was the problem. Her hair too was different from Rozanov’s. The curls were tighter and longer, still loose and soft, but dark to match her eyes. Lily herself could rid the line of androgyny and femininity when she wanted to. Even so, as he looked at her and unwillingly compared her to Rozanov, it was clear that she was to feminine for him. He had always been able to appreciate the beauty of femininity, but now with the desire that Rozanov drew from him to compare it to, it was clear that he was not attracted to it. So similar yet he was not and never had been, childhood “crush” be damned, attracted to her and that realization hit him hard in the chest. Comparing someone he thought he had been attracted to to someone he was definitely attracted to made it very hard to convince himself that he wasn’t gay. Not when the major difference between the two was one was a man and the other was not. Shane Hollander was not like Ilya Rozanov. He was gay. Women were not an option for him. And didn’t that make this whole thing so much worse.
He must have been quiet for some time, or got that dissociated look in his eyes, because Lily gently cleared her throat and handed him a biscuit, gently tapping it on his hand that was holding the tea cup and lightly shaking now that he was paying attention.
“No judgment here Shane. Just start at the beginning and take as much time as you need. None of this leaves this room if you don’t want it to.” Her smile is sweet and understanding. He nods and accepts the biscuit before setting his tea down to settle his shaking hands, not wanting to waste any of Lily’s expensive tea. He takes one more deep breath and starts to explain his situation.