Chapter Text
The dregs of summer clung to Helaena's skin in the sticky air of August. The humidity reeked of manure and sweat and factory smoke. Sometimes a little sweet, but mostly acrid. Nothing about the end of summer was pleasant for her. It reminded her of being forced onto the school bus again after two months of relative peace at home. It reminded her that everything lively, buzzing, and awake would soon die or fall silently asleep. Helaena hated death, so she hated autumn. Winter was even worse.
Today, like many others, Helaena sketched in her bedroom by the open window. Distantly, she heard Aegon and Aemond arguing over something inane. Maybe one day they'd realize they were saying a lot of nothing in their arguments. Neither making his point and even further from convincing his brother to listen. It drove their mother up the wall. Helaena understood them in a way she did not, so she simply tuned out her brothers' voices as she drew.
Rhaenyra was coming to visit soon, something Helaena almost looked forward to. Almost. Her older half-sister was everything Helaena would never be: free, happy, loved. Maybe that was grim to think, but Helaena had spent years fighting her silent demons until they beat her down into submission. Now, resigned to her fate, she tried to make the best of the hellscape of their home. Rhaenyra had escaped that. She'd found freedom in her escape, happiness in her children, and love in the arms of many. Helaena had nothing but her brothers and mother who somehow loved her more than the others. In her own way. In that forced way that Helaena used to think meant Alicent was incapable of love.
Until she saw the way she looked at Rhaenyra with that mix of judgment and reverence. Until she watched them hold each other's hands in quiet understanding. Until she caught every sidelong glance and stolen stare.
That's when Helaena realized that her mother could love, she just couldn't love her children.
Helaena's view from her window exposed the side lawn with a glimpse of the winding driveway, so she was the first to notice Rhaenyra's sedan rolling down the drive followed by Daemon's four-door truck. Seems they brought everyone for this visit. Maybe it'd be their last; their father had only worsened in recent months. Rhaenyra could be preparing for that, for this to be her children's final visit to their grandfather and their ancestral seat among the trees and cornstalks.
Helaena debated setting aside her sketchbook to greet her family, but she'd leave that to her mom. She'd be called to socialize soon enough. Helaena finished her drawing of a caterpillar before she heard her mom's voice calling her and her brothers downstairs. Heaving a sigh, she set aside the book and got up.
Rhaenyra and Alicent didn't embrace, not in Helaena's lifetime. The air between them tensed like a prey animal approaching predator territory. Every muscle prepared to flee—or fight—despite no visible danger. Yet. Helaena watched from the stairwell as Rhaenyra greeted her brothers and stepmother. Her own children hung back, sticking to Daemon on the porch. Helaena caught glimpses of both brown and blonde hair from her view across the house.
Her mother noticed her presence then, or rather sensed her like a ghost hovering just out of sight. She turned with her stilted smile and beckoned her into the living room. Helaena obeyed. Rhaenyra smiled at her, warmth radiating from the woman she barely knew.
"Sweet Helaena, how are you?"
"Fine," she replied as pleasantly as she could manage.
Rhaenyra blinked at her strangely for a moment, but Helaena couldn't read her expression. She felt she'd mucked up that interaction somehow. She'd only been honest. Maybe Rhaenyra didn't want her honesty. Maybe she'd wanted something Helaena was not, just like the rest of her family.
Her mom stepped in then, relieving Helaena of her anxieties by asking her to go outside with her nieces and nephews. Helaena went out where her brothers had already gone. She clung to the doorway like a lifeline as she watched Aegon ruffle Luke's hair while Aemond brooded from his perch on the railing. He'd hated Luke since the incident where the boy nearly took out his eye with their father's hunting knife. It left a nasty scar across Aemond's face and an even deeper wound in the relationships of their family. Rhaenyra felt no need to apologize to Aemond or her parents and especially didn't punish her son for the incident. Helaena hadn't been there, but her brother swears it was purposeful. She had no reason not to believe him.
Helaena didn't even know the others well enough to try to believe their lies.
Baela made her way to the doorway to greet her. Baela had always been good. Strong and wild, but good.
"What did your mother pull you away from today?" Baela asked, teasing in her tone but not in malice.
"Drawing. There was a caterpillar on my windowsill," Helaena told her.
"I'd love to see your drawings, if you'd let me."
Nobody had ever asked that of her before. Awkwardness wrapped around her shoulders like a thick cloak, burdening them forward with the weight of it.
"We'll see."
Baela took her short answer with grace, which was to be expected.
She followed Baela's gaze to Jace protectively arguing with Aegon over his roughness with Luke. There was a fondness in her eyes that Helaena didn't expect to see pointed at her stepbrother. She decided not to think more of it. Daemon seemed amused with the fuss, but he didn't step in to break up the beginnings of a fight. He probably hoped for one. The excitement to excuse them from addressing the fact he'd married his adopted brother's daughter and was raising their children side by side. Helaena knew her own mom still despised him for it and judged Rhaenyra deeply. Helaena couldn't tell if they were even happy enough to make the scandal of their marriage worth it. It was barely her business, though.
Her mom called them inside for the dinner she'd been preparing in wait for her stepdaughter (and ex-best friend, a fact that was well-known yet little spoken of). Daemon pushed off the rocking chair he'd claimed and led them all inside after Helaena and Baela who still stood at the door.
They gathered around the typically unused dining table as Alicent went upstairs to fetch their father. Viserys couldn't make it out of bed most days, let alone down a flight of stairs unassisted. Rhaenyra tried to go help, but Daemon shouldered past to do so instead. Helaena wondered if he felt the tension between his wife and her stepmother like she did; they all probably did. They didn't try to hide it. Rhaenyra took to doling out portions of Alicent's meal.
Dinner passed with little fuss. Her dad seemed overjoyed to have all of them under one roof. She knew he felt the absence of his eldest as incessantly as the pain of his illness. Some days one was worse than the other. Some days he called her by her half-sister's name. Others, he called her mother by Rhaenyra's mother's name. Those days got under Aegon's skin like nothing else, until he disappeared to drink away the emotions. Helaena felt nothing but sadness over their father's condition. Seeing him at the head of the table, half-rotted and barely lucid, made her grieve him already. What kind of life was he living, really? He didn't seem happy with the family he had under his roof, that was for sure.
Her mom allowed Daemon and Rhaenyra to help Viserys back to bed after eating, so she set to work cleaning the kitchen. Helaena dutifully followed after to help. She wasn't sure why. She hated the sensation of dishwater up her forearms and of half-eaten food on her hands. Still, she was Alicent's only daughter. Daughters helped their mothers where they could. Helaena hated it.
Her brothers were instructed to take the others to their rooms for the week, which Aegon grumbled about while Aemond scowled. Still, they did as they were told.
The Targaryen seat was a giant house of many spare rooms. Plenty for the rare visit from other members of the family. Still, Rhaenyra's sons and Daemon's daughters would each share rooms. As would Rhaenyra and Daemon, of course. With Aegon and Helaena still at home, there weren't as many rooms to go around as there must've been before their births. Helaena wondered if Rhaenyra missed the house from her childhood or missed their father in full consciousness. Helaena never had any of that, not really. Daeron moving to the coast with their Hightower family had been a barb as much as it was a blessing. She hoped he didn't miss any of this. She knew she unfortunately would.
After washing up, Helaena made her way back upstairs and left her mother to smoke on the back porch with Daemon and Rhaenyra. The first room she passed was to be Baela and Rhaena's room, but through the cracked door, Helaena caught a flash of brown hair. Helaena froze to the spot, spying through the crack as Baela and Jace sat together on the double-sized bed. They were leaned in close, heads tilted together, and hands roaming.
They were kissing.
As soon as the realization hit her, a gasp escaped her lips. Thus, notifying her niece and nephew of her presence. They jumped apart, heads whipping towards the door. Helaena decided not to shy away. She decided to own this breach of privacy, this mistake she'd made.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean—"
"Please don't tell our parents," was out of Jace's mouth before Helaena could finish her apology for the intrusion.
She stared at him for a moment, unsure why he feared she'd tell them, of all people. Helaena had no one to tell, or no one who would believe her if she tried to convince them.
"I won't," she promised.
Jace sagged in relief, but Baela seemed less sure of her statement. Helaena needed to earn her trust, not just swear herself to secrecy on words alone.
"Aegon used to sneak into my room at night to kiss me," she admitted. "If you don't tell my parents that, I won't tell yours about this."
Gaping for only a moment, Jace collected himself and nodded. "Okay, thank you Helaena."
"Did you like it?" Baela asked. "Aegon kissing you, I mean?"
No one had ever asked her if she liked being kissed. No one really cared to ask how she liked anything. Baela was breaking down her walls already, and it terrified her a bit.
"Not really, but don't tell him that either."
Baela smiled, a sad thing but not too heavy with pity. "Sounds like we've got ourselves a pact," she said.
…
Their pact born of forcefully shared secrets soon immersed Helaena so fully she feared she might drown in it. Their undeniable tension captivated her, especially by the way of no one else seeming to notice. Or care.
They went down to the lake in the early afternoon the day after they all arrived. Jace and Baela openly drank in the sight of each other half-naked with water dripping off exposed skin. Helaena could hardly blame them. Baela wore a sports bra style swimming top with typical bikini bottoms, flattering her curves without being overly revealing. Jace's bared his chest to the world, only wearing his trunks and not another piece of clothing. Both left little to the imagination. Helaena found herself roped into the ogling of them both. She sat with Aemond on a blanket, both attempting to read over the sounds of splashing and cheerful shrieks from the others. She found the appearance of her nephew and new niece more appealing than the words on the pages of the book in her lap, and much more distracting than Luke and Rhaena's splash war that Aegon was attempting to join.
Rhaenyra, Daemon, and her parents were all up the hill in the house. Helaena used to sit and ruminate on their conversations as true adults and estranged family members. Now, she had her own secrets. She had her own things to hide in her closet under lock and key and strict supervision. She still wasn't sure if she liked that, even if she liked the trust bestowed upon her by the two.
Jace lifted Baela onto his shoulders as Aegon lifted Rhaena onto his. The sisters grabbed at each other, both attempting to throw the other off the boy's shoulders. Helaena admired their simple pleasure in playing in the lake. She'd never quite liked the revealing nature of swimsuits nor the feeling of being soaked in water, so she was content in the grass on her blanket shared with her younger brother. Still, she liked to watch the others. Maybe a small part of her longed for such unbridled joy. She'd never felt such a thing in her 20 years of life.
Aemond let out a grunt as he laid on his back, book shielding his face from the blinding rays of sun. Helaena wondered if he knew about Aegon's visits to her room not so many years ago. Aegon had only quit when he'd turned 18 and found other girls to harass at the bar he frequented. Helaena hadn't seen him in her room since. While she longed for affection, she was grateful to no longer be the object of his. Something about it disgusted her. Maybe it was the ever-present scent of hard liquor on his breath, or his insisting tongue and gripping hands, or the fact he was her blood. She didn't feel much loyalty to him as a sister, so she doubted the latter.
Helaena wondered if that's how Baela felt with Jace's tongue in her mouth.
Realizing with a start that was a sinful thought, Helaena nearly bowed her head then. She only prayed when in church, which was only ever when her mother needed her to go, when she couldn't face their God alone. Helaena almost understood that now. How could she pray for forgiveness for such sin? For thinking of her family kissing their family, and wishing to be part of it, even if internally? After what Aegon had done, Helaena wondered if something had broken in her. Maybe she should've gone to church more, or prayed more, or believed in anything outside of herself. But she hadn't. And now she held all these secrets to her chest, and the weight of them on her rib cage started to crush.
She glanced at Aemond. As if her brother might've read her mind, and she'd revealed it all. He seemed content under his book. Helaena looked back out at the water, but all she could see was that glimpse she'd gotten of something real. What her parents had, even Rhaenyra and Daemon in all honesty, was far from real. Aegon coming to her room was too. Baela and Jace had something. It entranced her into staring at the space Jace's head was between Baela's legs, even if in the most casual and non-sexual way. It made her curious if their siblings knew. Aemond and Daeron likely knew nothing of her and Aegon, but that was— again—nothing. Surely Rhaena with her high perception and intellect had noticed something different. Luke, even, with his quiet way of tagging along that gave way to him knowing everyone's business.
Or could Helaena be the sole holder of the two's secret?
By the time their mothers called them up for lunch, Helaena had skimmed about two pages of her book. The guilt of God still gnawed at her as they ate lunch meat sandwiches on the back deck. Baela and Jace giggled and whispered to each other where they sat side by side on the swinging bench. Helaena felt something else gnawing at her too, aside from the obvious guilt of her curiosity. Was it jealousy? What could Helaena have to be jealous over?
They took turns in the two showers after lunch, save for the dry Helaena and Aemond. Her brother disappeared, as he often did, so Helaena found herself sketching alone in her room again. She zeroed in on a spider in the corner of her window, resting on its web between the panes. Her muse for now.
After a while, Helaena heard hushed voices and hurried steps outside her open door that led straight to the girls' room again. Helaena knew it must be Baela and Jace, stealing kisses again. It seemed every chance they got alone was fair game for their secret spit-swapping. Helaena wondered if they'd stop if she peered through the cracked door again. If they noticed her, would they continue like they hadn't? Would they shoo her away, or worse, get angry at her repeated intrusion into their private lives?
Helaena closed her journal and flopped back onto her mattress. Her mind ran with all the possibilities of her spying on them again. And yet, she felt stuck to her bed. Frozen in the fear of the unknown. Even if she was curious, even if she wanted a taste too, those were selfish, sinful thoughts. Helaena thought about praying. She did not. She stared up at the dome light in the center of her room until it burned colorful spots into her vision.
Then, she fell asleep.
…
After her nap, Helaena made her way downstairs to find her family (but not without checking the girls' room and finding it regrettably empty). They had the cards out, playing something Helaena never had before. It seemed like Daemon had assumed the teacher role for the game, explaining its rules to those gathered around the dining table and calling out anyone who broke them.
Helaena kept walking past the table into the living room where her mother, Rhaenyra, and Rhaena sat. They all looked up at her when she entered the room. Helaena smiled politely before curling up on the armchair with her book, more determined than earlier to read the thing. However, their quiet voices caught her attention, and she found her eyes settled on the pages without reading as she eavesdropped.
"We still haven't told anyone but the kids," Rhaenyra was saying, "Part of me fears this one won’t make it. You remember how pregnancy was for my mother. I don't want to go through that."
Rhaenyra must be pregnant, with Daemon's child again. Helaena knew nothing of pregnancy or children, still she wished for comforting words to give her sister. Her only sister, still a stranger to her. Helaena kept her eyes trained downward and her mouth shut.
"I hope it's a girl," Rhaena said proudly.
"We will love your sister or brother regardless," Rhaenyra retorted gently.
"I will pray for you and the baby's health," Alicent said.
Rhaenyra didn't believe in God. The only time she'd ever been known to go to church was before Helaena's time, back when her mother passed and Alicent made her come pray for her soul. She wondered if that gave her any peace then. Helaena peeked up at her sister's face to find her wearing a strange smile.
"Thank you, Alicent," was all she said.
Helaena knew Rhaenyra didn't believe Alicent's prayers would do anything, but the thought was nice. Helaena could agree on that, at least. Still, it bothered her that no one offered Rhaenyra real advice. Just her mother's empty prayers to a God who probably wasn't listening, if He existed at all. Rhaenyra might be little more than no one to her, but she still deserved more substantial responses than that.
Helaena couldn't offer anything, though, so she kept quiet.
Eventually commotion broke out from the dining table as Aemond, Luke, and Aegon were fighting with Jace being held back by Baela from joining in. Daemon allowed it, but Alicent was less inclined to let them tear each other apart. She pushed off the couch and stomped into the dining room with purpose. Helaena twisted in her seat to watch her pull Aegon off of Luke so roughly he fell to the floor. Their mother was only ever so rough with her eldest. Aemond shoved Luke away, and that was that.
Alicent and Rhaenyra sent everyone upstairs until dinner, and even though Helaena and Rhaena weren't even in the same room, they went diligently after their siblings. Helaena finally got to read then.
…
"Do you want to go on a walk with us?" asked a familiar voice from Helaena's door.
She looked up from her book—which had captured her attention even after the family had dinner—to see Jace standing with Baela just behind him in the hall. Helaena glanced at her window, blinds still open revealing dusk falling outside.
"Where?" she asked.
"Around the property. Baela hasn't seen it all. Figured you'd know the grounds better than me," Jace said.
Helaena could sense the thinly veiled intent behind inviting her out alone. They easily could've asked Rhaenyra, or even Daemon or her brothers, but they'd come to her specifically. Helaena didn't fancy herself as a fool. She knew this walk would be about their shared secrets. She sat the book on her nightstand and stood up from her bed.
"Sure."
She followed Jace downstairs with Baela on her heels. She felt Baela's eyes on the back of her head as they descended the steps. Jace led them out the back door. Baela sped up to fall in time with Helaena once they were outside. Jace fell in step on her other side. Helaena knew they only waited to bring it up because anyone could hear through a stray open window. Too much was on the line here if they were found out.
Once they broke past the treeline of the overgrown trail her father used to, at some point during her childhood, keep trimmed back. But it had been years, perhaps even a decade of abandonment. Helaena only found her way through the brush on instinct and distant memories of when this resembled a proper trail. Jace and Baela fell behind her as she led them deeper into the woods. Eventually they'd hit the neighbors' property and have to pivot, but Viserys Targaryen owned quite a few acres of woods before they'd have to keep an eye out for no trespassing signs.
"We actually wanted to talk to you," Jace said finally, clumsily revealing the truth of this walk Helaena already knew.
"About the kissing?"
"Sort of."
Helaena stopped and turned to look back at the two. Their knuckles were brushing, but they didn't join their hands. Helaena wouldn't mind if they did. They probably knew that, but still refrained due to habit. Baela was glaring at Jace for his vagueness, probably, before her gaze softened on Helaena.
"Would you like to know what it's like?" Baela asked her.
Helaena's words stuck to her throat like sticky candy on fingers. She looked at Jace, his reddened cheeks and avoidant looks. Then, back at Baela, who held her stare determinedly. Obviously she did want to know, but how to ask for such a thing? Even when offered, it was wrong. This was all wrong.
Why did Helaena want it so badly, then?
"I know what kissing is like," Helaena said simply.
"I think you know that I mean with us," Baela shot back.
Helaena didn't know whether to attempt nonchalance or admit to her sinful ruminations earlier that day. Surely, it couldn't be so bad if they wanted her too. It definitely made Helaena feel better about it. How God would feel was likely another story.
Still, it bothered her that they asked now. After only being here for now two days. After accidentally inviting her into their pact. After she'd shared her own darkest secret. What was so special about her? Nothing. Wrong place, right time. That's all that this was. So, why make it out to be anything more?
"Why?" Helaena asked.
Baela smiled. "You're gorgeous, why not?"
As if that was the easiest thing to understand in the world. Maybe for Baela it was, perhaps even Jace too. Helaena saw herself as she was: plain, boring, and painfully weird. Even if her looks were appealing to them, why her?
"Are you sure you want me, of all people?"
"Helaena," Jace stepped in to say, "there's no one else we'd rather have."
"If you agree," Baela added.
Of course. These two were too good, too pure, so of course they'd ask for consent before taking from her. The idea felt so foreign she feared she might cry in the face of it. All she'd ever known was giving without wanting. Aegon's kisses, her mother's demands, her father's desire for a different daughter. She'd tried to be everything for everyone, falling short in every case. Still, she gave what was asked of her without wondering if they should've ask for her permission first.
Now, here Jace and Baela were asking for her explicit permission to have her.
"Let's go somewhere else," Helaena said, suddenly too aware of the thorns poking her arms and the branches reaching for her loose hair.
The two followed Helaena through the woods down the barely-existent trail until they hit the unused deer blind. It had steps up to the little cabin at the top. Her father used to hunt, when she and her brothers were toddlers. He'd lost his knack for it some time soon after their births. Now, the blind collected cobwebs and cracks and probably mold. But it was private and better than kissing among the nettles.
Jace and Baela shared a look of surprise before following Helaena up the staircase that wobbled just a bit from their weight. Once inside, Helaena sat on the wooden floor with her legs crisscrossed.
"Did Viserys used to use this?" Baela asked.
"Mhm. Hasn't in years. I think I'm the only one who knows it's still standing."
Baela joined her on the floor, and then Jace.
"So?" Jace prompted Helaena to actually answer the proposed question.
"I would like to know," Helaena replied.
Baela instantly perked up, scooting closer to Helaena. "Really?"
"Yes."
Helaena was sure of her decision, the first she'd be making for herself alone. They'd invited her into this, and she wanted to go in willingly. So, she did. Baela reached for her hand, and the feeling of her skin buzzed electric against Helaena's. She soothed circles over the back of her hand. The sunset bathed the little cabin in pinks and oranges. Helaena felt alive. Felt real, for once. When Jace came over to press against her other side, shocks reverberated up her spine at the contact of their shoulders brushing and knees overlapping.
Baela kissed her first. With all the joy and splendor a first kiss should have. Baela smiled against her lips, sighed into her mouth, and Helaena felt deliciously lightheaded. Jace reached up to run his fingers through her hair as she kissed Baela. Helaena hummed in delight at the touch. She didn't like it when her mother grabbed her arm, or her brother groped at her, or her more distant relatives forced hugs onto her. But this felt nice. Helaena liked their hands on her, and Baela's curious lips. She wondered suddenly if Jace felt left out.
Helaena pulled back to look at him, but before words could escape her, Jace kissed her next. His was more hurried but less sure. Helaena loved it all the same. Baela stroked her outer thigh as she watched them kiss. She knew Baela watched because she could feel her eyes burning against her side profile. She wondered if Jace felt it too. Did they feel jealous watching each other with her? She hoped not. Negative feelings at all would ruin this tentative solace they'd found in each other. Everything outside this deer blind didn't exist. None of the strangeness of their families. None of the pain. Not even Helaena's dying father.
They traded kisses for a while, sometimes Jace and Baela would share one in front of her face, but they mostly focused on kissing Helaena breathless. She found she liked watching them together as much as the attention being on her. Maybe jealousy was a myth. Maybe they just were immune. They were always meant to be this way: three of them, touching and kissing, joined together.
When the sun had well and truly set, Helaena started to fear her mother's worry.
"We should head back," she said during a lull in kissing.
"I never want to stop," Jace admitted.
Baela hummed in agreement, but still said, "She's probably right, though. It's getting late. Our parents will worry."
So, they all stood on uneasy legs; sitting on the hard floor did none of them good. They brushed off the dirt from their pants and descended the steps back into the woods. Helaena knew the grounds best, so she led them back to the house. When they made it upstairs without running into any of their parents, Helaena counted this as a successful adventure. Rhaena waited up for her sister in their guest room, a knowing smirk on her face which cemented the fact of her knowing. Jace headed down the hall where Luke was likely fast asleep. Helaena gave him a little wave before ducking into her own room.
The fresh memories of kissing Baela and Jace ran on a loop in Helaena's mind's eye as she drifted. She almost didn't want to ever sleep again to keep them fresh. Once she slept, dreamed of other things, and awoke to face the dawn, the memories would have already faded around the edges just a bit. Helaena hated that one day they'd be fuzzy. That only meant, to her, that they must create new memories of those things for her to hold onto it forever. She'd like that.
She hoped they would too.
…
As the days of her family's visit sped by them, Helaena found little time alone with Jace or Baela. She longed for it, longed for them. For their heated kisses and fervent touches. For their easy manners and kind words. Helaena craved it like a second hunger, one deeper in her gut where it burned so delightfully. It grew frustrating after a while.
After that evening in the deer blind, Helaena had touched herself twice to the memory of it while trying to find sleep in the following days. She thought of them escaping back to the woods to continue what they started. She imagined their hands roaming under clothes and their kisses traveling down her body. Thoughts of what they might look, feel, and taste like beneath their layers of clothes also flooded her mind. Helaena had never done more than be kissed before, now she wanted it all. She'd never ached to know something like she ached to know their bodies and the pleasure associated with such a thing.
Putting on the face of the good daughter in front of the rest of the family had grown increasingly more difficult. Helaena thought of nothing else in her free time but of Baela and Jace's kisses and where they could have led. She longed for some way to get them alone, but it seemed that a family visit in the too-full Targaryen home was not the time or place for it. They'd lucked out that evening in the deer blind. Helaena wished they could just disappear without question, but their mothers were far too watchful and doting, in their own ways.
They shared looks, though. The three of them would glance around the table during family dinner, or stare while swimming in the lake, or give small smiles in the living room while supposedly watching TV with their siblings. Helaena felt their desire, even if they could not show it outwardly. She had hardly felt desired by Aegon; he always treated her as a person of convenience more than a person of interest. Jace and Baela, however, looked upon her with a reverence Helaena had only ever seen her mother give to Rhaenyra.
The week passed far too quickly, and the secret bliss shared with the two ended before any of them could act on it again. Baela and Jace returned home, and Helaena remained stuck in her own. Her brothers didn't argue for days following the visit from their half-sister, and their father slept for most of the day from then on out, while their mother quieted her discipline a little. It was as if the visit had drained them all in some way, or maybe they were just as saddened by their leaving as Helaena. Somehow, it seemed possible.
…
Viserys Targaryen died peacefully in his sleep a week later. All rights to the property were passed to Rhaenyra, but Helaena's mother delayed informing her for as long as possible. Maybe she feared Daemon's presence under the same roof as her and her children, as hotheaded as he was. Maybe she knew Rhaenyra had no space for Alicent and her children to remain if she were to take over as head of the family and owner of the estate. Helaena even wondered if her grandfather's insistence that Aegon deserved the inheritance had poisoned her mother's mind, and she intended to contest the will.
Regardless of the latter point, Aegon moved out with haste before his supposed right to inherit the land was brought up by grandfather Otto or their mother. He disappeared one night, only reaching out to swear his safety with friends in town. He wanted no part in the Targaryen inheritance feud they all felt brewing beneath the surface of their mother's skin. Without her eldest to hoist up as the chosen one, their mother lost her confidence. Helaena heard her in the study with grandfather Otto at late hours of the night, discussing what to do without Aegon to contest the will with them. Her mother's bite softened, her words less poised, and Otto seemed disappointed when he breezed by Helaena's cracked door.
Finally, Rhaenyra was called. Furious as she was for the wait, she had no choice but to remain at her current home. Issues had risen with her pregnancy, and she couldn't even afford time to make it for the funeral. Helaena knew how close her sister was to their father, after all the years being the only child, so she knew how badly it must sting to discover she couldn't travel back for his funeral.
Helaena mourned the loss of her sister's return more than her absent father's death. She prayed one night for forgiveness for her selfishness on the matter, for wishing for Baela and Jace's return over grieving for her father. Helaena felt as though her father had died before she was conscious enough to remember him lively. He barely could walk across the house during her childhood and was mostly bedridden by time she made it to high school. That's how she excused away her lack of suffering in his actual death. Her mother seemed fine, Aegon was more distraught about the inheritance being flung at him, and Aemond was…well, Aemond. He kept to himself more, spoke less, and smiled on even rarer occasions. Helaena would worry, but she more just hoped his solitude would end before it caused a rift between him and their mother.
Helaena didn't know how she fared. She supposed she probably seemed fine to outsiders as well. Quiet as usual, stuck in her own daydreaming mind more often than being present in reality, and helping her mother with the funeral preparations as much as possible. While her father hadn't been particularly pious, her mother had insisted he have a "proper" burial. It led to many visits to the church and calls to distant relatives. Helaena tried to stay beside her mother and strong enough to shoulder some of the burden with her, but her mother was stubborn in her grief. She took it all on like the only one who could. Helaena took the sign to back off after a while, retreating to her books and drawings in her room.
The funeral dragged for hours, making Helaena fight urges to fidget and swivel her head to observe the others around. Aegon nodded off at her right, reeking of liquor, and her mother sat on her left on the edge of the row. Her mother's back stayed stick straight the entire service, and her eyes never strayed from the man preaching over her dead husband's body. Helaena knew the Velaryons were in attendance somewhere in the room, along with her grandfather Otto who'd been good friends with her father, and even some people who worked with her father during his glory days. It was a good turn out in their grand church, and Helaena hoped that'd soothe some of her mother's worries.
Judging by the fresh blood around her mother's nails, that must not be the case just yet.
By the time that Viserys Targaryen was lowered into the ground, Helaena felt the pull of sleep tugging at her eyelids. She felt guilty for not caring, but then again, when had her father ever cared for her? It seemed even, despite that voice in the back of Helaena's head urging her to pretend to weep as the dirt fell on her father's casket. Her eyes remained dry. The three of them still staying at the estate rode back to it in complete silence. Aemond had headphones on to tune out any opportunity for conversation, and Helaena just watched the trees and houses of their neighbors pass outside her window.
Aemond went straight upstairs once they got home, but Helaena lingered where their mother stood by the picture window in the living room. She watched her chew at the skin around her nails, pulling until they bled more. Helaena decided she didn't like watching her mother destroy herself, so she went off to her room as well.
After the funeral followed long months of nothing from Rhaenyra and her family, including Jace and Baela. Helaena waited for something to give as the leaves fell and flowers died outside. She hated autumn more without Aegon leaving the door open to get scolded by their mother for the breeze. She hated it more without the constant sound of her father's snores. She hated it more knowing there was more outside of this house that Helaena had never known, but that Rhaenyra had. Only for Rhaenyra to give it all up to return once she had the baby. Helaena wanted to scream most days, sometimes she did into her pillow just for some release. She didn't want Rhaenyra to lose everything she'd earned for herself since leaving. It didn't seem fair for Viserys to die and kill Rhaenyra's future with him. Did she even want to be his heir? Helaena never would, and clearly neither did Aegon who had every right to.
Something had to give.
But as the snow fell over the estate, blanketing the grounds in the firm grasps of winter, Helaena knew no relief.