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Bruce was annoyed at himself, which wasn’t a totally unusual occurrence. No, what was unusual was why he was annoyed with himself. It was a bit unusual for the Batman to be unable to synthesize an antidote. But unfortunately for him, this truth serum seemed to be more complicated than ones he’d faced before. So, very reluctantly, he’d decided to go to the Watchtower in hopes that the labs there would be better able to create an antidote. One side affect he seemed to experience was a general sort of anxiety, and a sense of melancholy. He grumbled as he stepped into the teleporter in the cave and entered his access code.
Luckily enough, no one stopped him in the command center, perhaps sensing his mood by the way his cape swished dramatically behind him or by the deeper than usual scowl on his face. Batman hurried— without appearing to— through the halls, towards his lab. His anxiety was growing every step, which made him angrier and more anxious— he didn’t want to have to speak to anyone with this truth serum affecting him, and his anxiety over this made him angry, because Batman, and Bruce, didn’t do anxious. So, in summary: Batman was not a happy camper.
But as he rounded the corner, his apparent luck ran out. For there, hovering slightly in the hallway in front of him, was the man of steel. Also known as Clark Kent, perhaps the most touchy-feely man Bruce Wayne had ever known. He’d be concerned with Bruce’s ‘well-being’ and very likely to interfere. Batman scowled, mentally going over the layout of the Watchtower to see if there was another way— any other way— to the lab he needed to get to. Repressing a sigh, and an irrational burst of glumness, he realized that the only practical path was forward; he did have other routes to the lab, but the risk of running into other people posed far more danger than just encountering Superman did.
Ignoring another burst of anxiety, Batman strode forward, irrationally wishing that Clark wouldn’t notice him. Of course, his analytical side snarled at him, that was ridiculous. The moment Batman rounded the corner, Superman spun, a big smile on his face. “Hey Batman! I didn’t think you were scheduled for monitor duty today. What’s up?”
Bruce groaned internally as he felt the truth serum fulfill its devious design. “I don’t have monitor duty… I’m here to— do some lab work,” he gritted out. Of course, this was stressful and the drug’s side effects were ramping up. As Bruce’s heart rate increased, Superman noticed.
“Anything wrong?” he asked ‘casually.’ Due to his training, Bruce had some experience resisting truth serums, but this one was powerful, and he was a little out of practice. So, he could only modify his answers a bit.
“Nothing I can’t handle, Superman,” he said coldly, putting a little extra bat in it.
This was the wrong move because Superman raised an eyebrow and asked, “What’s wrong?”
Bruce scowled, not liking this situation at all. “Nothing’s— it’ll be resolved soon. That’s why I came up here; I need to get to the lab. Excuse me,” he said, attempting to go around Clark. Of course, this didn’t work. Clark set down in front of Batman, now really concerned. Bruce was acting weird and Superman noticed it— his heart rate was elevated, and Bruce’s answers were… strange— detailed, but not.
“Are you injured?” Superman asked, squinting at Batman in a way that indicated use of x-ray vision.
“Stop scanning me, Superman. I’m…” Bruce began, pausing for a second. Well, did being injected with truth serum count as ‘being injured?’ Technically speaking, no because it itself wouldn’t be harmful, unless too much was used, so, “not injured. Move.” Again, he attempted to move past the big, blue boy scout. This time he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He looked up in annoyance, only to meet wide, concerned eyes.
“Okay, Mr. ‘I’m… not injured,’ what’s going on?” asked Clark, a little more steel in his voice. This set off another wave of anxiety in Batman, which he promptly repressed.
“Nothing you need to worry about. I’m not injured— just have some important lab work that you’re stopping me from doing,” Batman replied in a growl.
Superman sighed, hand still in place on Batman’s shoulder. “I wish you wouldn’t be so stubborn,” he said.
“I’m not stubborn, just annoyed at you. You’re in my way!” Bruce said before he could think about it. Clark’s eyes widened. Bruce mentally cursed, shit. Now he knows something’s wrong.
“Ok, tell me what’s wrong right now. I’m getting really worried,” Superman commanded. Unfortunately, Bruce couldn’t avoid speaking the truth with a direct line of questioning like that. He cursed Clark’s journalistic background. He answered, hoping to stall enough that Clark would lose interest, even if that was unlikely.
“I was on patrol, by the docks and heard on the radio from Oracle that there was a robbery in progress a few blocks away, so—"
“I know you’re stalling. Just tell me what’s wrong, B,” Clark interrupted sternly.
“Truth serum,” Bruce grumbled.
“Oh,” Clark said, “are you okay?”
“Yes— no. I’m annoyed that I allowed this to happen and that I couldn’t find an antidote using the cave’s lab, and the fact that I ran into you didn’t help because I need to find an antidote before something happens in Gotham that I need to take care of and the side affects of whatever drug they used are also affecting me and I would like to fix this problem,” Bruce said, taking a deep, calming breath after so he didn’t kill Clark. Clark looked solemn now, which annoyed Bruce more— he wasn’t dying or anything and this was NOT going to be a permanent problem.
“Are you feeling okay?” he asked.
Bruce scowled more. “No. I’ve been avoiding everyone all day, so I don’t say something stupid, like ‘I’m Batman,’ and I couldn’t work out the chemical formula for this drug in the cave, like I already said, and the side effects I’m experiencing are rather unpleasant— I’d rather not talk about this right now. I need to get to the lab and start working on an antidote.”
“Can I help?” asked Clark, finally letting go of Bruce.
The two men walked towards the lab and Bruce replied, “I don’t think you’d be able to help— it’s mostly finding what chemicals are in this stuff and if I can’t do that…” Bruce forced himself to shut his mouth, before sighing. “Sorry. That was… uncalled for. I didn’t— I did mean that, but I don’t think you’re stupid. It’s just I have more experience with this stuff and I think— I don’t know how helpful you’d be,” he tried to amend. When Clark didn’t say anything, Bruce looked over at him, worried. Contrary to popular belief, he didn’t really hate Superman or like insulting him, usually. All bets were off if he’d done something stupid or annoying though. The other man had his lips pressed together, clearly trying not to laugh.
“Goddamnit, Superman, this isn’t funny. You know you’re really annoying sometimes?” Batman blurted. Superman blinked at his best friend and then chuckled loudly. Bruce strode away in a huff, but Clark was soon back at his side.
“No! Wait, B. I’m sorry. It’s just that you don’t usually… share this much,” he said. Bruce sighed, not able to stay mad at Superman for long.
“Fine, you can ‘help’ me,” Batman grumbled.
“Right. What do you want me to do?” Superman asked, more business-like now.
“Leave. I was trying to be nice. This is why I don’t talk to people more often— sorry —I shouldn’t have said that. You can stay. Just… there is something you can do,” Bruce said, walking to the lab door’s keypad. “I’m going to take a blood sample and you can analyze it. See if there’s anything strange,” Bruce instructed.
“Hello, Diana,” Superman said suddenly. Bruce groaned internally. This was just getting better and better.
“Hello, Superman, Batman,” said a feminine, Greek-accented voice.
“Hello, Diana,” Bruce said, walking into the lab. Unfortunately, Clark and Wonder Woman followed.
“What are you doing?” she asked curiously.
“I’m doing lab work and ran into Superman. He wants to help, and I was trying to be nice so I’m letting him help,” Bruce said, then grit his teeth. This was even worse than running into Clark.
“Bruce!” scolded Diana.
“It’s okay, Diana, he didn’t mean it,” Clark appeased.
“Yes, I did,” Bruce corrected. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“No, he didn’t,” Clark reaffirmed.
“Yes, I did! Stop saying that, it’s not going to change anything. If you can’t figure out how to stop wasting my time, I’d rather you leave,” Bruce said.
Diana, who had been watching the conversation with a look of confusion held up her hand. “Stop! Bruce, you’re being rude. Clark, stop antagonizing him. What’s going on?” she asked.
“He’s not antagonizing me, Diana—"
“—so, you’re just grumpy?” she interjected, with a smirk.
“I’m not— I am grumpy, but it has— it had nothing to do with Clark until I ran into him in the hall,” Bruce revealed.
“Oh,” Diana said, understanding in her eyes. Bruce didn’t like where this was going.
“It’s truth serum,” Clark blurted.
“I was right, you aren’t helping,” Bruce commented from the microscope. He’d managed to get a blood sample and put it in a slide while the others were talking.
“Are you all right?” Diana asked, coming to stand beside him. Clark was hovering by Bruce’s side, clearly still thinking he was needed.
“Stop hovering Superman, it annoys me… sorry. I’m— going to be fine, Princess,” Batman muttered, trying to refocus on the slide in front of him.
“It annoys you?” Clark asked, sounding hurt. Bruce sighed, looking up from the microscope. He now saw that he wouldn’t be getting any work done until this was resolved.
“It’s distracting. And this is why I was avoiding people. If you still want to stay, stop distracting me, and for the love of god, stop asking questions,” he muttered.
“Do you not want us to stay?” asked Diana.
“No— what did I tell you, no questions!” Bruce exclaimed in annoyance.
“You’re not going to offend me, Batman,” Diana said gently.
“Yes, I will. It’s statistically impossible that I won’t offend you at some point in the future, and as I currently have no filter, the possibility that I’ll offend you sooner just went up,” Bruce said.
“We’re friends, I understand,” Diana said.
“Are we?” Bruce asked. Diana gasped, and Clark shook his head.
“That was a joke. I’m not very funny,” Bruce said. Diana punched his shoulder. “Ow,” Bruce said.
“Did that actually hurt you?” Diana asked, worried.
“No, I wouldn’t have told you if it did. I don’t like letting other people see me injured,” Bruce said. He crushed his lips together to stop himself from saying anything else.
“Ha! I knew it,” Clark said, “you’re too stubborn to accept help!” Bruce sighed. This had officially become an unmitigated disaster.
“If you’re still trying to be helpful, Clark, you can scan this,” Batman said, holding up a small vial of blood. He also had one under the microscope, but was hoping that by having Superman compare one too, he could spot something he hadn’t before. Diana leaned against the desk. Bruce looked under the microscope again.
“Here!” Clark said suddenly, hovering at Bruce’s side suddenly. Bruce sighed, and Clark said, “Oh!” and touched down.
“What’s ‘here’?” asked Bruce.
“In the— your red blood cells, I think… it looks kind of like a hexagon,” Clark said. Bruce nodded. Then that was why he’d had so much trouble before. It was hiding in his blood stream.
“I think it’s disappearing,” Clark said, “More and more of them are fading.”
“Then we need to hurry,” Bruce growled, annoyed. He might have had an antidote already if it weren’t for these two.
“Why? I though that would be a good thing,” Wonder Woman said.
“It is,” Bruce conceded, “however, I would like to find an antidote so I can have one available in the future. Makes things easier.”
“Ah,” said Wonder Woman.
“Should I get J’ohn?” asked Superman. That wasn’t a bad idea, Bruce thought.
“Yes,” he said.Clark handed him the vial of his blood and flew off. Bruce put the vial in a holder and went back to the microscope and took some pictures with his cowl’s camera. Diana came up behind him. He tried to ignore her, but as usual, that proved impossible.
“What?” he asked.
“Do you often have to devise antidotes for yourself?” she asked in a deceivingly neutral tone.
“Yes,” Bruce said tersely, thinking of the first few attempts with Joker toxin. He repressed a shudder, and marveled that he had survived.
“And I imagine you test these on yourself too,” Wonder Woman said, a little less neutrally.
“…Yes. Who else would I test them on?” he replied. Diana shuddered.
“I hope you do not use joker gas,” she murmured darkly. As it was not a question, Bruce didn’t answer, which he was grateful for. He didn’t think Diana would like his answer. “Bruce? Do you use joker gas on yourself?” she asked. He sighed mentally, and began recounting the elements on the periodic table to try and avoid answering.
But, he only got to Lead before he found himself saying, “Yes. I have to update my antidotes every now and then. Joker frequently changes the formula… and unfortunately, the antidotes require multiple doses. At this point though, I’m pretty much immune.”
Diana’s eyes widened, and she scowled. “That is so dangerous! Please tell me you do not use fear toxin too,” she said. Bruce was silent, because that would be a lie. Although he did not use fear gas often— only twice, actually— he’d still had to do it to test his work. But he’s used much lower doses than usual. At his silence, she sighed again. Bruce felt a little angry, for some reason, and he tried to justify himself.
“Who else am I going to test these things on, Diana? Robin? Nightwing? Alfred? I can’t just let the scientists work on these antidotes— it’d be too easy for Scarecrow or Joker to find out and change their chemical formulas. Also, it’d take too long with all the bureaucracy. I share a sample of the new antidotes with the Commissioner after I’m done with them. I don’t enjoy testing these things,” Bruce snarled. It was at this point that J’ohn and Superman came into the lab.
“Batman, Wonder Woman,” the Martian Manhunter greeted. Batman nodded once at him and ignored Diana.
“What’s going on here?” asked Clark.
“Diana and I were arguing,” Bruce said. He gritted his teeth and took a deep breath.
“Yes,” Diana said, “We were. Did you know he tests all his antidotes on himself, Superman?” Clark’s eyebrows furrowed.
“No, I didn’t. I always thought he had a deal with the labs or something. That’s—"
“—necessary. As I already told Wonder Woman, it’d be a security risk to let the labs work on these antidotes, and it’d be too slow. Joker comes up with a new type of gas almost every time he escapes. I need to make sure my operatives, and gothamites, are safe,” Batman said firmly. Then he turned to J’ohn and said, “We need to hurry. The drug is fading, and I still haven’t finished analyzing its chemical makeup. I do know it’s a sulfate base though.”
“Very well, Batman. How long have you been affected?” asked the Martian Manhunter.
“Three days,” said Bruce.
“That long!” exclaimed Superman.
“Yes,” said Bruce, calmly. “I tried to create an antidote when I got back to the cave and it didn’t work. I made it worse. But I thought it’d fade, so I left it alone. It hasn’t. So, here I am.”
“Why didn’t you come here sooner?” asked Diana.
“I’m too stubborn to ask for help and was also a little worried about what it meant if I was unable to find a solution,” Bruce answered honestly. He growled and turned to shoot a glare at the other two thirds of the trinity. “Please, if you two could leave J’ohn and I alone to work, it’d be quite helpful,” he said firmly. Also significantly less embarrassing, he thought.
“Fine,” Clark sighed, “come on, Diana.” The two left and the door finally shut. Bruce let out a small sigh of relief.
“Has this happened before?” J’ohn asked gently.
“Yes,” Bruce growled, remembering, “the first time was right after I had adopted Dick. That wasn’t so bad. But the second time was when Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian were all home. They figured out that if they said that someone else was Batman, I’d have to say the truth. It ended after Jason one-upped the others by saying, ‘Lady Gaga is Batman,’ and I said, ‘I’m Batman.’ They laughed about that for a week.”
“How long did that last?” asked the Martian Manhunter, glancing up from the microscope.
“Two days,” Bruce said, shuddering, “they also asked me who my favorite was and when I said Dick, they wouldn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.”
“Ah,” said J’ohn, focused again on the microscope. Then there was silence, as Batman went to run his blood through the chemical analysis. There was a beep a few minutes later and Batman showed the results to J’ohn.
A few hours later, Superman and Wonder Woman wandered back to the lab. The door opened as they arrived and J’ohn and Bruce walked out. “Any success?” they asked.
“Yes,” Bruce answered immediately, “it just takes a few more hours.”
“Good,” Diana said, an evil glint in her eye, “we just talked to Dick.” Bruce groaned and even J’ohn looked amused.
“Is Clark Kent Batman?” asked Wonder Woman.
“I’m Batman,” Bruce said, then glared, “I really hate you— I don’t hate you— you know what I mean.”
“Who’s your favorite team member?” asked Clark.
“You,” Bruce said, growing angry. Diana pretended to look offended while Superman grinned and J’ohn chuckled softly.
“I’ll get you back for this,” Bruce swore, glaring at them all as he walked away.