Wtf Crack -- Faylen's fics
Fics which are either on crack or make me feel like I'm on crack. But not in a bad way? Like I don't mind reading them for the laughs
(Open, Moderated)
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Animal Planet by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
15 May 2022
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Summary
Nick Fury hates his job as an animal conservationist. He did not sign up to see a tiny deer and crippled jaguar go at it like it's mating season in the Serengeti.
Deer!Tony and Jaguar!Stephen pretty much makes Nick Fury's life hell.
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
25 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/26326030
Animal Planet by hitokiridarkempressCh 14
Lol Wattpad inspired fic is funny too
https://www.wattpad.com/story/264945252-a-piglet-makes-three-
How the fuck that runt managed to get inside the enclosure without anyone knowing is a mystery. Even weirder is that the jaguar isn’t even trying to eat him. Eh, not his problem. If the jaguar decides to eat his ass, it’s what God intended. It’s only natural that predators eat their prey and who’s he to say otherwise?THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED!
“YOU LEAVE THAT POOR DEER ALONE!”
He expected the jaguar to just eat his ass, not eating his ass out! But no, that stupid cat is licking and rubbing his damn face all over the deer’s rump. Just because he hated that deer, doesn’t mean the thing deserved to be violated like that. And Tony isn’t even trying to escape; he just lies there with his tongue hanging out. As soon as the jaguar sees him, that fucking thing is staring at him while lapping his tongue on the deer’s hind quarters just daring him to do something.
--
How the ever-loving fuck Tony managed to escape, and pick the damn lock to the restricted space is beyond anybody. But most importantly, he wants to stab his remaining eye out just so he doesn’t have to see the horrible sight that’s being burned into his retina.Stephen is mounted on top of the small little deer and just railing him like no tomorrow. Even worse is hearing how loud Tony is during mating. Fuck this shit, he’s heading to the nearest bar and get shit-faced. Let the caretakers handle it. And if researchers want to study this sick coupling, they can damn well pay for his retirement package.
Fuck his life.
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Though somehow ending up becoming the “mother” of a small deer was not in the job description. Neither was becoming a lifelong “rival” of one mean ass jaguar who keeps trying to bite his ass whenever he shows up at the cat’s enclosure. But, somehow he’s making a decent living and he finds out that he doesn’t mind being the sole caretaker of one adult deer that for some unknown reason is still acting like a fawn.To be fair, Tony wasn’t weaned off before his herd kicked him out. And he was the only one Tony would feel safe to drink from the bottle. So yeah, he’s unofficially Tony’s mama. That and Tony keeps making the mom calls and never stopped.
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With that, Tony instantly races towards the door as soon as he heard, “blueberries.” James is heading toward the door when suddenly Stephen pounced on Tony fully pinning him under his weight. Squeals are heard and James is about to call on his radio for backup thinking Stephen finally had enough of Tony.Only to see Stephen trying to mount Tony and staring straight at him while doing it.
‘This mother-’
Tranquilizing a jaguar never felt so satisfying.
"Come on Tony, let Stephen nap. Let's clean you up first and I got a smoothie for you."
The next day, Stephen is already scratching the glass once he sees Tony's head on James' lap. Mama Rhodes : 32 Mean Ass Jaguar: 0
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Now he has to figure out which is worse: seeing a jaguar hump a deer or watching a deer give fellatio and trying to explain that to little kids?Fuck this shit, he ain’t drunk enough for this.
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It was a 2 man team to separate the two, but in the end, man won.Was it really necessary for Wong to club Stephen unconscious? Probably not, but he had it coming.
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James got an earful from Fury after it got caught on camera on how he shouldn’t be encouraging those nasty animals. The screenshot of one exasperated James holding up a bottle while Tony is suckling on it lying on a log with a jaguar firmly glued to his rump.The only silver lining is that the mean ass Jaguar finally gave up on trying attacking him whenever he shows up. The only downside is that the same mean ass jaguar is focused on humping while he’s coming in. James is already radioing Wong and fetching his trusty stick…
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Well, it is getting real hot and the animals can’t take the sweltering heat. But he knows Fury wouldn’t construct a small pool for the deer, “it’s not the part of his natural habitat.”Bitch, please. The zoo has a gay jaguar and deer couple, and the deer runs the zoo; they ain’t fooling nobody.
One inflatable kiddie pool wouldn’t hurt.
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When James returned to Tony’s enclosure, he stares at Stephen glaring at him while humping Tony in the kiddie pool.
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“MOTHERFUCKER! RHODES, DROP THAT DEER! I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT! SOMEBODY SNIP THAT DAMN CAT! WONG, YOU’RE CLEANING THE GLASS!”
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Breaker of Dicks by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
14 Jul 2020
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Summary
Tony Stark is having the time of his life.
The bed had enough and decided, “I’m about to end this man’s career.”
or the sexy times have gone horribly wrong fic
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
25 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259356
Breaker of Dicks by hitokiridarkempress -
Morning Java by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
08 Dec 2019
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Summary
Tony loves three things: Stephen, dick, and coffee, though not in that order. Stephen is not happy where he is ranked. Sequel to the Wand of Fertility.
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
25 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/21717982
Morning Java by hitokiridarkempress-
Stephen likes mornings. Not because it’s a brand new day, or feeling well rested. Nope, it’s because he’s getting woken up by a wonderful sensation of a warm mouth wrapped around his dick. He doesn’t know what he did to warrant such an action, but he’s not complaining. And Tony is really good with his mouth and tongue…enough to tire him out.But no one needs to know that.It takes him a whole month to decide something is wrong. He should not get tired that easily from a getting a blowjob, even if it’s a fantastic one from Tony. But there’s a sense of unease from his husband of late. He always smells coffee but there’s no coffee pot or mug in sight. Tony doesn’t give him his morning kisses until after he finishes brushing his teeth. And he’s much more awake before being allowed his one cup of (decaffeinated) coffee in the morning. And the sex lately has been Tony giving him blowjobs every chance he gets. Not that he’s complaining… but he misses his husband’s perky assets.
At first he thought Tony was finally taking care of his health seriously, after all giving birth to seven children is rather taxing on the body. Tony has been adopting some healthier habits if only for the sake of the children. And raising seven children does take up a lot of energy so that could be the reason why neither of them could have as much fun in the bedroom as they liked. But every time he tries to get Tony to stop and do something else, Tony keeps sucking like a hoover vac and milks him for all he’s got. By then his brain is turned to mush and he can’t even astral project after falling asleep.
Stephen Strange likes to think he’s a rational and sensible man (despite Wong telling everyone blatant lies about him). He knows his faults and tries to be a better person than who he used to be. Now he’s living a relatively peaceful life, a father of seven healthy but hyperactive children, and happily married to his husband Tony Stark who recently started waking him up in the morning with a nice sloppy blowjob.
…
Something must be wrong. Tony is hiding something from him. He just knows it. He just needs to get proof.
…
No one wants to support him in his quest. Wong threatened him with the Wand of Watoomb stating under no terms that he would be “dragged into their depraved idiocy.” James Rhodes just turned right around after seeing his face. Even young Peter Parker jumped out the window as soon as he said, “marital issues.”
Fine, he’ll do it himself.
All the children are at Disneyworld, Tony and his schedules are empty, no villains out causing a fuss. It’s the perfect time to set the trap. One staged meditation session in the bedroom and astral projection later, he finally found out the horrible truth.
The entire month Tony had lied and cheated. His husband was unfaithful…all those blowjobs were a lie.
Tony was drinking coffee straight from his own penis. That explains the coffee smell, and the kisses, and the lack of ass. No wonder he was tired in the morning, transmutating his own essence into coffee takes lots of energy. He’s been betrayed by his own body no less. Like any cuckold husband does, confrontation and arguments ensue. And of course, two poor unfortunate souls got to hear this above them:
“TONY, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT?! I WANTED YOU TO BE HEALTHY!”
“I LOVE THREE THINGS, STEPHEN! COFFEE, DICK, AND YOU! IN THAT ORDER!”
“OH SO YOU LOVE MY PENIS MORE THAN ME?!”
“IT GIVES ME REAL COFFEE UNLIKE YOU!”
And the argument continued for hours. Sounds of things being broken and thrown, and the eventual grunts, groans, and screams are heard. The ceiling is shaking and ceiling fans are swaying to the beat. Several more hours passed, and then there is blessed silence.
The next day, two tired but happy husbands are enjoying their breakfast along with a cup of freshly brewed coffee to go with it entirely ignoring the very judging stares of their best friends. Coffee first, talk later.
-Lol could fit the entire fic
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The Wand of Fertility by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe
07 Oct 2019
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Summary
Tony says he wishes he could have Stephen’s babies, and Stephen’s dick goes, “As you wish.”
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
25 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929679
The Wand of Fertility by hitokiridarkempress-
Stephen is going to strangle Wong.“Honestly Stephen didn’t you read the beginner’s book of sexual magic? You would have known that only strong magic casters will have this problem and your innate desires will trigger it. Congratulations on being a father!” Wong says with a perfectly straight face before closing the portal in front of his face.
“You and your wand of fertility got me pregnant!” Tony is screaming at the top of his lungs. Stephen is just staring down at his crotch still trying to figure out how his body could betray him like this.
Unfortunately for the couple, one nosy trespasser heard Tony yelling about the “wand of fertility” comment and promptly posted about it on twitter which got picked up by several newspapers and news sites. And everyone lost their damn minds.
IRON MAN, IRON MOM?
IRON MAN PREGNANT!
IRON MAN MAKES AN IRON BABY!
TONY STARK FIRST PREGNANT MAN!
WAND OF FERTILITY, GODSEND OR DEVIL’S INSTRUMENT?
“Tony! I can’t believe you’ve gotten pregnant without getting married first! And I had to find out about it on Twitter no less.” Rhodey complained while Tony is staring morosely at his ultra-sounds, sure enough there’s a little blob inside of him. Stephen is still staring at the results wishing if he stared hard enough; the results would change in front of his eyes.
“I didn’t think I could get pregnant. It’s not like Stephen did it deliberately…” Tony muttered, as he grabs a cup of coffee. Rhodey snatches the cup from his hand. Tony shoots him a betrayed look.
--
“Yeah, Tony. Think about the baby. No more coffee for you.” Rhodey gives out a shit-eating grin before sipping on Tony’s coffee. Tony is silent staring at Rhodey before turning onto Stephen, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!” Before crying and running out of the room.Stephen just looks at floor in dejection. Rhodey shakes his head, “Go after your wife Stephen. He didn’t mean it, it’s just hormones. Or you gonna let Tony be a single mom?” Stephen’s head snaps up, glares at him before running after Tony.
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A couple months later…“Please don’t tell me the condom broke…”
“Uh…”
“GET OFF ME! GET IT OUT!”
“Didn’t you read the book Stephen? Modern contraceptives don’t work.” “NOT HELPING WONG!”
IRON MAN CRANKS OUT ANOTHER IRON BABY!
STARK PREGNANCY LAWS NOW IN EFFECT
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“Have you tried a vasectomy Stephen?”“Tony…please say that’s a fake ultra-sound…”
“Why don’t you tell me that you can regenerate human body parts?!”
WAND OF FERTILITY STRIKES AGAIN!
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“Tony…something’s wrong…”“Stephen…pull out. PULL OUT! OW!”
“I’M TRYING!”
“ARE YOU KNOTTING ME?!”
STARK BUILDING A BABY EMPIRE
WHERE IS THE WAND OF FERTILITY?
“Who threw out all my tea?!”
“Who got me pregnant?!”
“I’m sorry honey…”
“Don’t touch me!”
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Stephen can’t believe he’s doing this but if he can have a normal sex life back…“Listen here. You work for me. I’m the boss and I’m ordering you to not get Tony pregnant!” Pathetic that he’s reduced to talk to his own penis, if word gets out…
“Stephen, are you talking to your dick?” Damn it. Now Tony is going to make fun of him.
“…no?”
Luck is not on Stephen’s side. As soon as Tony walked in their bedroom, Stephen’s dick stood up tall and proud much to Stephen’s shock and displeasure. Tony raised an eyebrow, “Well hello to you too. But you’re still not getting anything from me.”
Stephen’s dick drooped in dejection at hearing the news. Tony’s eyes widen, at this point Stephen groans at the knowledge that his own dick is sentient.
“Tony…please tell my penis that you don’t want to get pregnant anymore.”
Tony is just staring at him. “You mean all this time I could order your dick around?” Stephen’s dick perked up at Tony’s voice. ‘Traitor’ Stephen thought at his dick.
Tony kneels down to Stephen’s crotch, barely an inch away. “Hey, I love what you do and everything. But I don’t want to have any more babies.” Stephen’s dick sags. “I still want to have sex, but no more getting me pregnant. Do you think you can do that for me?” Stephen’s dick nodded enthusiastically. Tony gives it a kiss. “Good boy, maybe later you can do that knotting thing, just no babies. Anything I say about having babies during fun times should not be taken seriously. But how about giving me some coffee flavored dick? ”
“Tony!”
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Can I Have Your Autograph? by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
22 Mar 2019
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Summary
James Rhodes likes to think he's used to all this. People asking for Iron Man's autograph, fighting aliens, dealing with 2 nasty ass white boys who can't keep their hands off each other.
Nothing has prepared him for this.
Sequel to Researching Human Mating Rituals
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
25 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/18198587
Can I Have Your Autograph? by hitokiridarkempress-
Good old Thunderbolt took one look at the sea of gay pornography and had his come to Jesus moment. The slick son of a bitch just upped and retired leaving him to deal with this. And all the countries just said, “Not it.” when it came to perverted alien fans. Not even the promise of alien tech or riches from space would tempt them knowing where it’s been. Bunch of stuck-up prudes, and he’s been dealing with Tony back when he’s been hoeing around in MIT.So now he’s stuck trying to calm the hoard of depraved fans both alien and human from staging a riot when they don’t see the Dick Supreme and the Iron Booty.
Yes, those are their porn star names. Some weird fan decided to call them that online after watching the videos (it’s all Thor’s fault, he sold those videos to a girl for a stack of limited edition poptarts) and it just took off from there. How it reached space, he has no clue. And poor Happy is getting his ass beat by these tiny fangirls for trying to get to some dude named Gary.
He’s pretty sure he saw some girls setting up booths to sell Ironstrange merch and one girl is just hustling calendars, already autographed photos of Strange, and yelling out for guided tours in the Sanctum where the Dick Supreme lives. As he recalled, its Wong’s little cousin. Goddamn, the family are a bunch of hustlers…
Detachment of the spiritual his ass.
--
All he can remember is he’s now inside Stark Tower nursing a bottle of whiskey and holding an ice pack to his head vaguely hearing an argument. Until he hears this,“I did not become a master of the Mystic Arts and Sorcerer Supreme just to be named Dick Supreme throughout the multiverse! I do not want my legacy to be like this! I am putting a stop to this right now!”
“Would you rather have these aliens invade Earth instead? If the fate of the Earth depends on me jumping on your dick like a pogo stick, then I’m a pogo stick jumping champion. Now quit your bitching, and let me ride your pogo stick. Have to give these aliens what they want. I’ve been planning to retire as Iron Man anyway. ”
Thank you Jesus!
“Oh, Tony…”
“I’m going to expand SI into the adult entertainment business and set up a cultural exchange program with our new alien guests. Just think of all the new technological advancements! And all the fun new toys we could try…”
Work with me Jesus!
“…Tony…no…”
3 months later James finds himself staring at SI’s latest addition. A brand new building that’s part hotel, gift shop, entertainment center, research center, museum, food court, and… sex shop. A large sign hangs on the building reading, “Astonishing Scintillating Sensations”
Goddamnit Tony…
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