1 - 20 of 188 Bookmarked Items in Wtf Crack -- Faylen's fics
Navigation
List of Bookmarks
-
Animal Planet by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
15 May 2022
Tags
Summary
Nick Fury hates his job as an animal conservationist. He did not sign up to see a tiny deer and crippled jaguar go at it like it's mating season in the Serengeti.
Deer!Tony and Jaguar!Stephen pretty much makes Nick Fury's life hell.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/26326030
Animal Planet by hitokiridarkempressCh 14
Lol Wattpad inspired fic is funny too
https://www.wattpad.com/story/264945252-a-piglet-makes-three-
How the fuck that runt managed to get inside the enclosure without anyone knowing is a mystery. Even weirder is that the jaguar isn’t even trying to eat him. Eh, not his problem. If the jaguar decides to eat his ass, it’s what God intended. It’s only natural that predators eat their prey and who’s he to say otherwise?THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED!
“YOU LEAVE THAT POOR DEER ALONE!”
He expected the jaguar to just eat his ass, not eating his ass out! But no, that stupid cat is licking and rubbing his damn face all over the deer’s rump. Just because he hated that deer, doesn’t mean the thing deserved to be violated like that. And Tony isn’t even trying to escape; he just lies there with his tongue hanging out. As soon as the jaguar sees him, that fucking thing is staring at him while lapping his tongue on the deer’s hind quarters just daring him to do something.
--
How the ever-loving fuck Tony managed to escape, and pick the damn lock to the restricted space is beyond anybody. But most importantly, he wants to stab his remaining eye out just so he doesn’t have to see the horrible sight that’s being burned into his retina.Stephen is mounted on top of the small little deer and just railing him like no tomorrow. Even worse is hearing how loud Tony is during mating. Fuck this shit, he’s heading to the nearest bar and get shit-faced. Let the caretakers handle it. And if researchers want to study this sick coupling, they can damn well pay for his retirement package.
Fuck his life.
--
Though somehow ending up becoming the “mother” of a small deer was not in the job description. Neither was becoming a lifelong “rival” of one mean ass jaguar who keeps trying to bite his ass whenever he shows up at the cat’s enclosure. But, somehow he’s making a decent living and he finds out that he doesn’t mind being the sole caretaker of one adult deer that for some unknown reason is still acting like a fawn.To be fair, Tony wasn’t weaned off before his herd kicked him out. And he was the only one Tony would feel safe to drink from the bottle. So yeah, he’s unofficially Tony’s mama. That and Tony keeps making the mom calls and never stopped.
--
With that, Tony instantly races towards the door as soon as he heard, “blueberries.” James is heading toward the door when suddenly Stephen pounced on Tony fully pinning him under his weight. Squeals are heard and James is about to call on his radio for backup thinking Stephen finally had enough of Tony.Only to see Stephen trying to mount Tony and staring straight at him while doing it.
‘This mother-’
Tranquilizing a jaguar never felt so satisfying.
"Come on Tony, let Stephen nap. Let's clean you up first and I got a smoothie for you."
The next day, Stephen is already scratching the glass once he sees Tony's head on James' lap. Mama Rhodes : 32 Mean Ass Jaguar: 0
--
Now he has to figure out which is worse: seeing a jaguar hump a deer or watching a deer give fellatio and trying to explain that to little kids?Fuck this shit, he ain’t drunk enough for this.
--
It was a 2 man team to separate the two, but in the end, man won.Was it really necessary for Wong to club Stephen unconscious? Probably not, but he had it coming.
--
James got an earful from Fury after it got caught on camera on how he shouldn’t be encouraging those nasty animals. The screenshot of one exasperated James holding up a bottle while Tony is suckling on it lying on a log with a jaguar firmly glued to his rump.The only silver lining is that the mean ass Jaguar finally gave up on trying attacking him whenever he shows up. The only downside is that the same mean ass jaguar is focused on humping while he’s coming in. James is already radioing Wong and fetching his trusty stick…
--
Well, it is getting real hot and the animals can’t take the sweltering heat. But he knows Fury wouldn’t construct a small pool for the deer, “it’s not the part of his natural habitat.”Bitch, please. The zoo has a gay jaguar and deer couple, and the deer runs the zoo; they ain’t fooling nobody.
One inflatable kiddie pool wouldn’t hurt.
--
When James returned to Tony’s enclosure, he stares at Stephen glaring at him while humping Tony in the kiddie pool.
--
“MOTHERFUCKER! RHODES, DROP THAT DEER! I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT! SOMEBODY SNIP THAT DAMN CAT! WONG, YOU’RE CLEANING THE GLASS!”
-
-
-
Breaker of Dicks by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
14 Jul 2020
Tags
Summary
Tony Stark is having the time of his life.
The bed had enough and decided, “I’m about to end this man’s career.”
or the sexy times have gone horribly wrong fic
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259356
Breaker of Dicks by hitokiridarkempress
-
-
Morning Java by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
08 Dec 2019
Tags
Summary
Tony loves three things: Stephen, dick, and coffee, though not in that order. Stephen is not happy where he is ranked. Sequel to the Wand of Fertility.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/21717982
Morning Java by hitokiridarkempress-
Stephen likes mornings. Not because it’s a brand new day, or feeling well rested. Nope, it’s because he’s getting woken up by a wonderful sensation of a warm mouth wrapped around his dick. He doesn’t know what he did to warrant such an action, but he’s not complaining. And Tony is really good with his mouth and tongue…enough to tire him out.But no one needs to know that.It takes him a whole month to decide something is wrong. He should not get tired that easily from a getting a blowjob, even if it’s a fantastic one from Tony. But there’s a sense of unease from his husband of late. He always smells coffee but there’s no coffee pot or mug in sight. Tony doesn’t give him his morning kisses until after he finishes brushing his teeth. And he’s much more awake before being allowed his one cup of (decaffeinated) coffee in the morning. And the sex lately has been Tony giving him blowjobs every chance he gets. Not that he’s complaining… but he misses his husband’s perky assets.
At first he thought Tony was finally taking care of his health seriously, after all giving birth to seven children is rather taxing on the body. Tony has been adopting some healthier habits if only for the sake of the children. And raising seven children does take up a lot of energy so that could be the reason why neither of them could have as much fun in the bedroom as they liked. But every time he tries to get Tony to stop and do something else, Tony keeps sucking like a hoover vac and milks him for all he’s got. By then his brain is turned to mush and he can’t even astral project after falling asleep.
Stephen Strange likes to think he’s a rational and sensible man (despite Wong telling everyone blatant lies about him). He knows his faults and tries to be a better person than who he used to be. Now he’s living a relatively peaceful life, a father of seven healthy but hyperactive children, and happily married to his husband Tony Stark who recently started waking him up in the morning with a nice sloppy blowjob.
…
Something must be wrong. Tony is hiding something from him. He just knows it. He just needs to get proof.
…
No one wants to support him in his quest. Wong threatened him with the Wand of Watoomb stating under no terms that he would be “dragged into their depraved idiocy.” James Rhodes just turned right around after seeing his face. Even young Peter Parker jumped out the window as soon as he said, “marital issues.”
Fine, he’ll do it himself.
All the children are at Disneyworld, Tony and his schedules are empty, no villains out causing a fuss. It’s the perfect time to set the trap. One staged meditation session in the bedroom and astral projection later, he finally found out the horrible truth.
The entire month Tony had lied and cheated. His husband was unfaithful…all those blowjobs were a lie.
Tony was drinking coffee straight from his own penis. That explains the coffee smell, and the kisses, and the lack of ass. No wonder he was tired in the morning, transmutating his own essence into coffee takes lots of energy. He’s been betrayed by his own body no less. Like any cuckold husband does, confrontation and arguments ensue. And of course, two poor unfortunate souls got to hear this above them:
“TONY, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT?! I WANTED YOU TO BE HEALTHY!”
“I LOVE THREE THINGS, STEPHEN! COFFEE, DICK, AND YOU! IN THAT ORDER!”
“OH SO YOU LOVE MY PENIS MORE THAN ME?!”
“IT GIVES ME REAL COFFEE UNLIKE YOU!”
And the argument continued for hours. Sounds of things being broken and thrown, and the eventual grunts, groans, and screams are heard. The ceiling is shaking and ceiling fans are swaying to the beat. Several more hours passed, and then there is blessed silence.
The next day, two tired but happy husbands are enjoying their breakfast along with a cup of freshly brewed coffee to go with it entirely ignoring the very judging stares of their best friends. Coffee first, talk later.
-Lol could fit the entire fic
-
-
The Wand of Fertility by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Marvel Cinematic Universe
07 Oct 2019
Tags
Summary
Tony says he wishes he could have Stephen’s babies, and Stephen’s dick goes, “As you wish.”
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929679
The Wand of Fertility by hitokiridarkempress-
Stephen is going to strangle Wong.“Honestly Stephen didn’t you read the beginner’s book of sexual magic? You would have known that only strong magic casters will have this problem and your innate desires will trigger it. Congratulations on being a father!” Wong says with a perfectly straight face before closing the portal in front of his face.
“You and your wand of fertility got me pregnant!” Tony is screaming at the top of his lungs. Stephen is just staring down at his crotch still trying to figure out how his body could betray him like this.
Unfortunately for the couple, one nosy trespasser heard Tony yelling about the “wand of fertility” comment and promptly posted about it on twitter which got picked up by several newspapers and news sites. And everyone lost their damn minds.
IRON MAN, IRON MOM?
IRON MAN PREGNANT!
IRON MAN MAKES AN IRON BABY!
TONY STARK FIRST PREGNANT MAN!
WAND OF FERTILITY, GODSEND OR DEVIL’S INSTRUMENT?
“Tony! I can’t believe you’ve gotten pregnant without getting married first! And I had to find out about it on Twitter no less.” Rhodey complained while Tony is staring morosely at his ultra-sounds, sure enough there’s a little blob inside of him. Stephen is still staring at the results wishing if he stared hard enough; the results would change in front of his eyes.
“I didn’t think I could get pregnant. It’s not like Stephen did it deliberately…” Tony muttered, as he grabs a cup of coffee. Rhodey snatches the cup from his hand. Tony shoots him a betrayed look.
--
“Yeah, Tony. Think about the baby. No more coffee for you.” Rhodey gives out a shit-eating grin before sipping on Tony’s coffee. Tony is silent staring at Rhodey before turning onto Stephen, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!” Before crying and running out of the room.Stephen just looks at floor in dejection. Rhodey shakes his head, “Go after your wife Stephen. He didn’t mean it, it’s just hormones. Or you gonna let Tony be a single mom?” Stephen’s head snaps up, glares at him before running after Tony.
-
-
A couple months later…“Please don’t tell me the condom broke…”
“Uh…”
“GET OFF ME! GET IT OUT!”
“Didn’t you read the book Stephen? Modern contraceptives don’t work.” “NOT HELPING WONG!”
IRON MAN CRANKS OUT ANOTHER IRON BABY!
STARK PREGNANCY LAWS NOW IN EFFECT
--
“Have you tried a vasectomy Stephen?”“Tony…please say that’s a fake ultra-sound…”
“Why don’t you tell me that you can regenerate human body parts?!”
WAND OF FERTILITY STRIKES AGAIN!
--
“Tony…something’s wrong…”“Stephen…pull out. PULL OUT! OW!”
“I’M TRYING!”
“ARE YOU KNOTTING ME?!”
STARK BUILDING A BABY EMPIRE
WHERE IS THE WAND OF FERTILITY?
“Who threw out all my tea?!”
“Who got me pregnant?!”
“I’m sorry honey…”
“Don’t touch me!”
--
Stephen can’t believe he’s doing this but if he can have a normal sex life back…“Listen here. You work for me. I’m the boss and I’m ordering you to not get Tony pregnant!” Pathetic that he’s reduced to talk to his own penis, if word gets out…
“Stephen, are you talking to your dick?” Damn it. Now Tony is going to make fun of him.
“…no?”
Luck is not on Stephen’s side. As soon as Tony walked in their bedroom, Stephen’s dick stood up tall and proud much to Stephen’s shock and displeasure. Tony raised an eyebrow, “Well hello to you too. But you’re still not getting anything from me.”
Stephen’s dick drooped in dejection at hearing the news. Tony’s eyes widen, at this point Stephen groans at the knowledge that his own dick is sentient.
“Tony…please tell my penis that you don’t want to get pregnant anymore.”
Tony is just staring at him. “You mean all this time I could order your dick around?” Stephen’s dick perked up at Tony’s voice. ‘Traitor’ Stephen thought at his dick.
Tony kneels down to Stephen’s crotch, barely an inch away. “Hey, I love what you do and everything. But I don’t want to have any more babies.” Stephen’s dick sags. “I still want to have sex, but no more getting me pregnant. Do you think you can do that for me?” Stephen’s dick nodded enthusiastically. Tony gives it a kiss. “Good boy, maybe later you can do that knotting thing, just no babies. Anything I say about having babies during fun times should not be taken seriously. But how about giving me some coffee flavored dick? ”
“Tony!”
-
-
-
Can I Have Your Autograph? by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
22 Mar 2019
Tags
Summary
James Rhodes likes to think he's used to all this. People asking for Iron Man's autograph, fighting aliens, dealing with 2 nasty ass white boys who can't keep their hands off each other.
Nothing has prepared him for this.
Sequel to Researching Human Mating Rituals
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/18198587
Can I Have Your Autograph? by hitokiridarkempress-
Good old Thunderbolt took one look at the sea of gay pornography and had his come to Jesus moment. The slick son of a bitch just upped and retired leaving him to deal with this. And all the countries just said, “Not it.” when it came to perverted alien fans. Not even the promise of alien tech or riches from space would tempt them knowing where it’s been. Bunch of stuck-up prudes, and he’s been dealing with Tony back when he’s been hoeing around in MIT.So now he’s stuck trying to calm the hoard of depraved fans both alien and human from staging a riot when they don’t see the Dick Supreme and the Iron Booty.
Yes, those are their porn star names. Some weird fan decided to call them that online after watching the videos (it’s all Thor’s fault, he sold those videos to a girl for a stack of limited edition poptarts) and it just took off from there. How it reached space, he has no clue. And poor Happy is getting his ass beat by these tiny fangirls for trying to get to some dude named Gary.
He’s pretty sure he saw some girls setting up booths to sell Ironstrange merch and one girl is just hustling calendars, already autographed photos of Strange, and yelling out for guided tours in the Sanctum where the Dick Supreme lives. As he recalled, its Wong’s little cousin. Goddamn, the family are a bunch of hustlers…
Detachment of the spiritual his ass.
--
All he can remember is he’s now inside Stark Tower nursing a bottle of whiskey and holding an ice pack to his head vaguely hearing an argument. Until he hears this,“I did not become a master of the Mystic Arts and Sorcerer Supreme just to be named Dick Supreme throughout the multiverse! I do not want my legacy to be like this! I am putting a stop to this right now!”
“Would you rather have these aliens invade Earth instead? If the fate of the Earth depends on me jumping on your dick like a pogo stick, then I’m a pogo stick jumping champion. Now quit your bitching, and let me ride your pogo stick. Have to give these aliens what they want. I’ve been planning to retire as Iron Man anyway. ”
Thank you Jesus!
“Oh, Tony…”
“I’m going to expand SI into the adult entertainment business and set up a cultural exchange program with our new alien guests. Just think of all the new technological advancements! And all the fun new toys we could try…”
Work with me Jesus!
“…Tony…no…”
3 months later James finds himself staring at SI’s latest addition. A brand new building that’s part hotel, gift shop, entertainment center, research center, museum, food court, and… sex shop. A large sign hangs on the building reading, “Astonishing Scintillating Sensations”
Goddamnit Tony…
-
-
-
Researching Human Mating Rituals by hitokiridarkempress
Fandoms: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
04 Mar 2019
Tags
Summary
Aliens kidnapped Tony and Stephen for research on human mating rituals. However the aliens have never seen humans before. And the aliens are recording all their interactions for research. Let's see what the aliens have found in their research of human mating behavior between a couple who isn't a couple yet...
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/17997809
Researching Human Mating Rituals by hitokiridarkempress
-
-
Tags
Summary
There is no name for this coffee shop. In a fit of caffeine-induced anxiety and rage, Tony has decided, “Fuck this, it’s just going to be called ‘The Coffee Shop.’ What the fuck else do you need to know?”
Tony decides that SI can survive without him, but a late-night coffee shop needs to be opened. Tony also does not shut up about being a small business owner.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/48704161
The Coffee Shop by lovelyirony-
“You’re supposed to take over a company.”“And?” Tony says. “I was also supposed to keep my parents but they died in a car accident.”
“Okay, bad move to use your dead parents against me, you know that.”
“I think, actually, that I just made a great move,” Tony answers. “Because now you can’t feel bad about my choice.”
“Well, I can feel bad about your decision, you’re majoring in business,” Rhodey says. “You’ve taken all of those classes when you were four.”
“Yeah, which means I can get the major done in a semester if the dean signs off on it and my parents can’t say no because they’re…you know.”
“Tony.”
“Come on, I’m not going to die.”
--
Pepper visits the shop before it opens.“Tony, what the hell.” There are no matching mugs. Or plates. Nothing is matching. The machine looks like a goddamn Dr. Frankenstein project. “What have you been doing?”
“Being a small, independent business owner?” Tony answers, bending over the sink. “Whoever put these pipes in was a total loser, by the way. How was work today?”
“Fucking awful,” Pepper says. “But also great. My PA is quitting in two weeks to go get married.”
“Ugh, just hire Rhodey.”
“You think he’d quit being in the military?”
“I mean we’ve been lectured that you never stop being army or whatever the hell he phrased it as,” Tony says. “But maybe if you bribed some government official, you might get an honorable discharge for him.”
“Done.”
And she does. That’s the odd thing. Pepper actually does get it done--well, she convinces Rhodey to be her PA.
“I am sick of top secret missions and the brass being on my ass all the time,” Rhodey says. “Now I get to pick up coffee and lunch and work for the real equivalent of Miranda Priestly.”
“Miranda Priestly was a bitch,” Tony says.
“And?” Rhodey says. “You don’t become a top CEO and well-known name in an industry without being a bitch. Just look at your dad. Massive bitch. At least Pepper respects and is nice to me.”
--
“Tony.”“Janet Van Dyne-Pym.”
“Okay, I did not last-name you,” she says, perching her sunglasses on top of her head. “I thought you said once the shop was steady you’d ask him out!”
“I definitely did say that,” Tony says, wringing his hands. “But I also told myself I’d ask him out after we roomed together freshman year. And after he dated Carol. And then when he became Pepper’s PA. I have said I’d ask him out on dates a lot, Janet.
And almost none of it has ended up happening. Also, I have no clue if he likes people romantically other than women!” Tony says. “I think he still has a thing for Carol. Who wouldn’t have a thing for Carol? Maybe I should set them up. I’ll ask Carol, she’ll definitely say yes. It’s Rhodey. They didn’t even end things that badly, she just signed up for NASA, so maybe--oh shit, maybe not--”
“Tony,” Jan says, putting a hand over his. “Calm down. Also, Carol’s bi. Which Rhodey could also be, if you asked him. And she’s married. I think her wife has a kid.”
“Wait, we didn’t go?”
“Well, like you said, she signed up for NASA when they broke up.”
“Shit. I could’ve given them a great wedding gift.”
--
So he asks her over a video chat as he’s closing the shop. Pepper looks at him flatly. “Tony. I run the company named after you. Of course I know.”“Okay, well the company wasn’t named after me, my dad didn’t even like me enough to remember my birthday.”
“God, I’m so glad he’s dead. Have you been going to therapy for that?”
“It is tough being a small business owner," he deflects. "Trying to get decaf beans has been worse than whatever trauma I have."
“You can’t keep using that as an excuse, Tones,” Pepper says, exasperated. She looks at him fondly through the camera lens.
“Watch me,” he says, sticking his tongue out. She doesn’t catch it as she yawns, turning her head.
--
“You’re the best,” Tony says with a grin. “Come on, Bruce’ll have your drink ready in a bit. Did you know he has a PhD in physics and in some kind of math? Oh, he also studied gamma radiation for a bit for the government and it didn’t go well. Technically, I think he has a warrant out for his arrest, but I’m a small business owner so I take what employees I can get.”“Wait, Dr. Banner?” Rhodey asks, eyes bugging out of his skull. “The Dr. Banner who has seven PhD’s?! And General Ross hates?”
“I don’t know who the hell Ross is, but yeah. I think he has seven. I told him to go for eight, but he says I don’t pay him enough for that. As if I can afford more, I am a small business owner.”
-
-
-
Tags
Summary
Because there Tony is, gasping for air while glass glitters all around him, looking near about like an angel that was torn from heaven with how it surrounded him.
They had thought he was dead.
At least, up until the point when he had looked Winter Soldier dead in the eye, said “hey you fucking asshole” and got a pretty damn good shot in the thigh.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/27113488
Improv Is a Life Skill by lovelyirony-
“Always best to diversify your skills.”“Expand.”
(Tony’s been messing with them a lot. They’re not positive he knows advanced vocabulary. He does, he just hates them.)
-
-
-
This Might as Well Happen by lovelyirony
Fandoms: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
22 Feb 2020
Tags
Summary
Tony finds out that Hydra has been back, SHIELD isn't pristine, and Rhodey and Pepper are willing to help him try to take down it all. With two friends, what could go wrong? Well...you'd be surprised.
Series
- Part 1 of Take It Down
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22850476
This Might as Well Happen by lovelyirony
-
Master of the North Pole Sanctum by Trickstress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Doctor Strange (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
01 Jan 2024
Tags
Summary
‘It started as a normal December morning in the Sanctum Sanctorum. Stephen woke up slowly for the first time in months as he took in the calm atmosphere with a healthy sense of caution.
It was quiet.
Too quiet.’
Similar to Earth’s magnetic poles, occasionally Earth’s magic ley lines will swap when there is great need. This means that the Sanctums will move with them. When Stephen finds himself one December morning suddenly located with the Sanctum Santorum in the North Pole, he’s going to find himself some lost history of the sorcerers and a new position as Santa.
Crack premise treated seriously. Updating regularly until Christmas.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/42823719
Master of the North Pole Sanctum by Trickstress-
“All of the sanctums moved and we’re still figuring out why.” Wong replied dryly, “The most likely reason we haven’t heard from your boyfriend yet is because there’s likely no cell service.”The Sorcerer Supreme ignored the other man’s sputtering over the line in favor of the note that appeared in front of him. Hmm, it seemed he was correct then.
“Listen Stark, it looks like Stephen and the Sanctum Sanctorum have been moved to the North Pole. We can’t use portals right now so go be the eccentric billionaire we know you are to stage an expedition to rescue him. We’re likely to not have things back up at full steam for a week at least. Good luck, call me when you have news.”
--
Tony stared at his phone in awe and annoyance. Yes, he could easily go rescue Stephen but the man wasn’t his boyfriend.Even if he might have secretly wished him to be…
Nope. Not doing it, not going down that road.
“Change of plans,” He announced to his children, “I’m dropping you off at Rhodey’s then I have to go rescue Dorothy because his house flew away.”
There was an immediate uproar at the news, predictably.
“Where did Stephen go?” Morgan asked, clinging to his legs.
“North Pole. Next question.”
“The North Pole?! Why can’t we go?!” Peter asked incredulously.
“There might be bad guys and I am not risking my kids in the arctic circle.”
“Clearly Wong would have said something if he was in trouble.” Peter replied, frowning at Tony. “Why can’t he portal back?”
“Magic is down on maintenance apparently. Now I need to start moving if I’m going to get our wizard back before he becomes a popsicle.”
“But daddy, I want to see Santa.” Morgan said softly and he cursed whatever higher power there was that his daughter had inherited his puppy dog eyes. It has worked wonders when he had grown up. Tony just didn’t expect to have them weaponized against him.
He glanced over at Peter who was doing puppy dog eyes of his own. They weren’t quite as effective as the teen was trying not to laugh.
Tony let out a massive groan as he realized he wouldn’t be able to get out of this without avoiding tears.
--
“You are not Santa Claus, of course.” The main woman leading him replied, gently pulling him by his wrist, “But you are The Santa.”“What does that even mean?” He couldn't help but whine. Honestly, Stephen had no idea where he was being led to but the guiding hand kept him from wandering off. Everything here was just so interesting that he wanted to explore.
“You are the Master of the Sanctum Sanctorum, yes?” She asked, looking back over her shoulder. Her hazel eyes seemed amused at his confusion.
“Yes, I am.” Stephen replied and she laughed.
“Then you are Santa. Santa Sanctorum. Master of the North Pole Sanctum.”
--
It is how Tony first saw Stephen after his disappearance. Dressed in red robes with a fur-lined cloak with nearly the whole city following behind him in curiosity.The two men stared at each other for a moment.
“You got Santa Clause’d!” Tony exclaimed.
With a groan, Stephen pinched the bridge of his nose. He should have expected this.
--
“How the hell am I supposed to help heal the soul?” Stephen growled and both Tony and Wong raised an eyebrow.“Think of who exactly is outside right now and how that could possibly be an answer to that question.” Tony replied, deadpan and Stephen blanched.
“No. I am not going to become fucking Santa Claus.” He retorted and Wong hummed in response.
“So you do not wish to help people have hope after a cataclysmic disaster where they are scared every day that it might happen again?” Wong asked and Tony was impressed at the low blow.
“So riddle me this, Wong? How exactly am I supposed to pull this off? We can’t portal anywhere.” Stephen growled and Tony raised a hand.
“With the random junk from my workshop here along with the jetski, I bet I could build a prototype ‘sleigh’ that could get us around fast enough.” He volunteered and Wong nodded.
--
“…they could be sorted in a pocket dimension spell for transport.” Wong offered up and Stephen groaned in annoyance.“Fine. I guess we’re doing this.”
They could totally manage to pull this off in five days. Just had to make a little literal Christmas magic. No problem.
-
-
-
One Hell of a Ride by silver_drip for Xythia, IzHunny, gold_pen_leaps
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
27 Apr 2018
Tags
Summary
A comedy about Tony, Loki, and Hela dealing with Asgard and all the problems that come along with ruling it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 65,850
- Chapters:
- 28/?
- Comments:
- 1,510
- Kudos:
- 1,787
- Bookmarks:
- 465
- Hits:
- 42,639
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13352268
One Hell of a Ride by silver_dripThis gives me crack vibes, but I dunno if it really counts as crack lmao
K I'm adding it, if needed I'll remove but this is too cracky rn to not add itSlightly uncomfortable with the uh yeah
Fairly uncomfortable with it and I think it should have been tagged with spanking. I usually avoid fics with that tag, but here I literally couldn't as it wasn't tagged..Mhm getting that ick now which sucks as I liked where this was going.
Snort
Tony as the God of Wealth and Sex lmaoI too dislike the kidnapping and slavery of the Cloak. Loki later talking sweet nothing and bribing it doesn't make it better. Stockholm Syndrome ring a bell?.
-
I had a feeling she was preggo
Anddd seeing the comments, fair Loki is too
Half siblings share the same father and are technically from siblings altho they're not blood related
Lmao-
Soul stone picks/posses Tony
-
You Have One (1) New Voicemail by WriterInWhite for I_Would_Prefer_Not_To
Fandoms: Avatar (Cameron Movies)
23 Jun 2024
Tags
Summary
Neytiri is alone in her and Jake’s marui – her husband is at Hell’s Gate celebrating the birth of Normspellman. While she loves Jake with her whole heart, she does enjoy occasionally getting a few hours to relax by herself. Not often and not for longer than that, but she sometimes needs some space.
She is sitting in front of the cooking fire – basking in its warmth. Outside the marui, the camp is quiet other than the occasional noise from the forest creatures. Most other Omatikaya have already retired to their homes to rest.
Her eyes glance out the opening toward the direction of the Sky People’s base, wondering when her mate will begin his journey home. Her thoughts are interrupted by a crackling noise and she turns her head to look at the small, portable radio that Jake keeps to communicate directly with Hell’s Gate.
The crackling clears and Neytiri’s ears twitch as someone starts to speak.
“Life…is an egg.”
Or: Jake and Norm get drunk and Jake decides to give his beloved wife a call. Shenanigans unfold.
Series
- Part 8 of Our Greatest Strength
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/56875198
You Have One (1) New Voicemail by WriterInWhiteOk this one I had to lmao
A lot I would quote but I'll just grab this
-
“Since you’ve drunk so much that you have forgotten about your wife and unborn children –” she begins.“I didn’t forget about you,” Jake interjects. “I just forgot that you and I are married!”
Neytiri thinks that is a dramatic understatement considering only minutes ago he was nearly sobbing because he thought she was mated to someone else and convinced their unborn son was going to explode out of her chest.
-
-
Tags
Summary
Quaritich hopes to manipulate Jake by making him an offer he can't refuse.. But Jake's response is not what he expects.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/32772196
Jake and the Flying Tree Octopus by Hoplite39
-
-
Tags
Summary
The Na'vi losses in the victory against the Skypeople were terrible. Mo'at is forced to request a great favour of Jake. She has good news and bad news for him.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/29801766
Good News and Bad News by Hoplite39
-
-
Tend to the Flame (aka a Worship the Ashes AU of Jake having a kid) by PhoenixGirl2626 for AKA_Green
Fandoms: Avatar (Cameron Movies)
23 Jan 2025
Tags
Summary
Was talking in a Discord about AKA_Green's Worship the Ashes about how the Thanators would react if Jake had a child and things devolved from there and I told people I'd make a fic, so here you go you crazy peeps.
Jake gets kidnapped. Followed by others. The Thanators are the kidnappers. Quaritch panics over ritualistic sacrifices.
I don't own ANYTHING in this fic, Canon characters belong to James Cameron & the Thanator culture, Jellybean & Asha belong to AKA_Green.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/62436493
Tend to the Flame (aka a Worship the Ashes AU of Jake having a kid) by PhoenixGirl2626
-
-
Tags
Summary
Dean finds a way to phone out of Hell. Sam is skeptical. The fic is crack. [Dean, No Rest for the Wicked]
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/1349404
Dial Tone by InsaneTrollLogic
-
-
Tags
Summary
It’s been a few years, and Amenadiel’s a bit rusty with the ol’ time-slow powers. He has an oopsie at the worst possible moment.
With the episode tag on this fic, I bet you can already guess how he slips up!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,875
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 31
- Kudos:
- 126
- Bookmarks:
- 17
- Hits:
- 1,009
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/40291239
Spoiler alert: it's gonna be epic by AnonymousAuthor is overcast_again
-
Tags
Summary
This are just some crappy interviews with the characters of Lucifer. Enjoy the fun when the poor Radioman questions his sanity during dive Sex Education or gets a little bit of an 'oh holy shit, god is going to destroy us all' freak out
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897933
divine comedy - Friday night at 9pm by SatanicMeCh 11
-
Radioman: Ok, no more conspiracies against church. Can you proof that you are the actual devil? I have heard some rumors but there are always chances that I am just talking to an actor.Lucifer: *shows off his wings*
Radioman: Oh god damn it.
God: *appears* No I don't damn it. But I'll damn the world.
Radioman: We're fucked.
Lucifer: Seriously Dad? That was supposed to be my interview!
God: He said my name.
Lucifer: You're just so-Unbelievable. People chant your name during sex and do appear to them?
God: Sometimes...
Lucifer: What the hell, Dad?! I- Wow. That's surprising. Even for you. *hiding his face in his hands*
Radioman: I am disturbed for my life...
God: In my defense they called my name first so why not join the gangbang when they invite me?
Lucifer: This is so embarrassing. Here I though Mom was the horny sex driven part of your marriage.
God: She learnt everything of me.
Radioman: God and the Devil are talking about sex... I really wonder what has become of my life.
Lucifer: *begins suddenly to laugh* Yeah. Sex. This is just... I imagined the looks on these knowledge searching scientist when they find out what happened during the 'big bang'
God: The Big Bang? *confused*
Lucifer: The creation of the universe?
Radioman: I think I don't want to hear the story....
God: *comprehends* Oh... That had been when I fucked your mother so hard that-
Radioman: Sorry for the interruption. The broadcast is now shut off because the discussed stuff is only for 18 years and older.
--
Lucifer: Sex is always on the table for you, my dearChloe: Not now Lucifer.
Radioman: yeah, don't want to have any liquids in my studio
Lucifer: she started it!
Chloe: don't be so childish.
Lucifer: I am eons older than you and am not childish.
Chloe: You just proofed you are a old man.
Lucifer: No, because I am not a man.
Radioman: *growing annoyed* Just stop the god damn bickering.
God: *appears* Hello, you called me?
Radioman: I am out. *stops the broadcast*
--
Radioman: how did you get past security?Azrael: Duh, I am the angel of death that means I can get past of anything because death is everywhere.
Ella: *shocked* you told me you were a ghost!
Dan: Is that Rae-Rae?
Azrael: Yep. What a nice fellow you are. *turns to ella* sorry, Ella. Dad did not allow me to tell the truth to humans until well... last week?
Radioman: Great another angel. Just whatever...
Azrael: Your fault for interviewing dad.
Ella: When you are an angel doesn't that mean Lucifer is one too? He knew your name!
Radioman: Goodbye, LA. Have a good night. *Cuts the show off and drinks a bottle of vodka*
--
Radioman: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with bloody massacres?!God: well for one earth is dying and I don't plan on forming a pile of mud again just because some incredible stubborn living beings could not even do the one single task I gave them.
Radioman: Man, what are you talking about?
God: I said, 'respect the nature and it shall respect you' and what did you do? 'Burn the nature and fucking kill everything'
Radioman: eh........ well... alright.....
God: stupid mortals. *is to annoyed and disappears. It's not sure if he actually is tinkering on a new plague right now*
Radioman: *scared because god possibly might create a cruel massacring death plagu * I want to mommy...
--
God: Although... The virus just did my work for me. I was just about to let another pest wreck havoc last year when I noticed the first people dying from the virus, that was already there-Radioman: What the fuck is wrong with you!?
God: You humans keep destroying my presious piece of dirt. So somebody needs to get rid of the parasites.
Radioman: why?!!??
God: Eh I don't know. But thinking about your annoying questions, I start to feel very judgy. Also, the place needs a bit new deco. What do you think of fire? Some warmth would not hurt right? Thats why you lot wear clothes, bevause you are could
Radioman: uhmmm...
Lucifer: *appears* FATHER WHAT IS THIS I HEARD ABOUT YOU STARTING THE APOCALYPSE!!???
God: Goodbye! I have some plans to make! *pops out of existence*
Radioman: Holy shi-
Lucifer: Bloody hell!
Radioman: *turns to Lucifer* Oh hi.... can I ask you a question?
Lucifer: *Glares intensively* You just did.
Radioman: Did you really fuck a goa-
*the broadcast got interrupted by a load [BEEEEEEEEEP] indicating a technical error*
-
-
-
Pray to the devil, he will listen by SatanicMe for NathTE, Eikaron, FluffyGlitterPantsDragon, fandomoverload
Fandoms: Lucifer (TV)
14 Jun 2018
Tags
Summary
If you are fucked over by some idiots and have not anything to lose it doesn't matter if you are seen as crazy praying to the devil.
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930489
Pray to the devil, he will listen by SatanicMe-
Then as the timer hit three a half minutes a young officer jumped on his feet and made the same hand gesture as Dug exclaiming "FUCK GOD!!! LUCIFER, HEAR OUR PRAYERS!!!"With this more and more normally reasonable Detectives, officers, scientist and other people followed the example of Dug and the officer.
"LUCIFER!!! I BEG FOR YOUR HELP, STAR OF THE MORNING!!!"
"SAFE THE CHILDREN OF THIS DAMNED CITY, LIGHTBRINGER!!!"
"GIVE US A MIRACLE, AND WE WILL OWE YOU!"
Nervously with panic growing in their insides exponentially the world watched the timer to hit zero.
--
The sixth day video tapes with the proof of the divine were uploaded on the internet by a cop who posted them under the name: "Thank you, Devil. I suppose we all owe you a long overdue IOU."And on the seventh day the devil answered.
Then the world stopped to believe and started to gather truths.
With that churches were burnt down to ash and the lords name was used just in vain after that.
While the devil's name was praised.
-Anddd this comment;
-
When you had everyone praying to Lucifer, all I could imagine was Lucifer arriving on the scene, taking a detour towards the reporter and reaching out for the mic with a “I’ll be taking that, darling, thank you.” Before getting in front of the camera with an annoyed expression “Will you all shut up already? I bloody well heard you!” Before passing on the mic and walking away towards the bomb loudly mumbling about ‘loud as hell prayers giving him a headache’.
-
-
-
Tags
Summary
"When threatened, the frill-neck lizard flared its neck flaps, the Siamese fighting fish flared its tail, and the angel flared his wings."
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,220
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 25
- Kudos:
- 63
- Bookmarks:
- 6
- Hits:
- 593
-
Bookmark Tags:
Bookmark Collections:
Bookmark Notes:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/50673778
Deimatic by MsDarcy127whut
My brain is.
Crack? Crack.