Chapter Text
They took a taxi to the hospital. It was one of those larger SUVs but it didn’t quite fit them all. IQ sat at the front given her injuries while the men were crammed in the back. Jäger was sandwiched between Tachanka and Kapkan, forced to hunch forward to make room for his shoulders. As he fidgeted and picked at the dry skin around his nails, the dust of dried blood too, he listened to the quiet chatter of the Russians. Their native language will always be a mystery for him, but how quiet Kapkan seemed, they were talking about Glaz who had been injured during the mission.
Everything was grey. The weather, their moods to the buildings that passed by as the taxi slipped down the city roads. When they arrived in the early morning, the rain was beginning to clear. Tachanka led the way and took them to the ward which the injured operatives were resting at. Those with more severe injuries were given their own private rooms. Blitz was nowhere to be seen, but Glaz was resting in bed, nursing his gunshot wound to his shoulder.
While Jäger was relieved to see they were well, his mind remained elsewhere. For a long while he had been thinking about Fuze, now his mind glazed over Bandit briefly, wondering how he was doing and one part of him didn’t want to know the answer. There were more pressing concerns than a broken arm. Tachanka noticed his aloofness and knew what was wrong. He motioned for them to leave and promptly delivered him to a small private room at the end of a long corridor of doors.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Tachanka said and gave him a reassuring nod, his hand squeezing his shoulder firmly. Then he left to give him some time alone, his beastly figure receding back down that hall.
For a moment Jäger stood and watched as tired nurses walked by. The scent of disinfectant was strong enough to make his mind whirl and he felt so filthy in such a sterile place. Fingers curling around the handle, he opened it carefully and braced himself when he stepped in. Time felt as if it was slowing down while his heart thumped harder and faster in his chest. His emotions swelled and overwhelmed him as he shut the door behind him, so he tore his eyes away from Fuze and tried to focus elsewhere.
Flowers. Likely bought from a grocery store, slowly wilting by the northern window where the cold light flooded the room. A few cards, bidding him a speedy recovery. There were a few scribbles on it from his teammates. Other than that, there wasn’t much. The furniture was flat-pack, assembled efficiently and all following the same scheme of dreary colours. For a hospital, it was as depressing as a cemetery. At this time of year, the sunlight was cold. No longer its warm hues, it simply illuminated the room and reflected off the walls like a ghost watching over them. If it hadn’t been for his own clothes, the world was monochrome.
It hadn’t occurred to him about the noise until he laid eyes upon the various machines that blinked and beeped softly. All sorts of values were appearing on the screens, constantly changing and fluctuating, the ebb and flow of life in the pixels. His gaze followed the leads that eventually led to Fuze.
The sight of him was truly affecting. His skin was the palest he’d ever seen it, almost with a grey tinge like a corpse. Part of his face was bruised where he had been struck, luckily he had a helmet on otherwise Jäger wouldn’t have been able to recognise him. The blanket covered the rest of his body and while he didn’t look drastically different, everything about him seemed frail.
Jäger sat down on the chair next to the bed and didn’t know what to do. He stared and stared until the tears welled up in his eyes and he wept quietly to himself out of worry and the weight of stress straining upon him. After some time he composed himself and wiped his tears away then studied Fuze’s peaceful expression, still sniffling and his shoulders shuddering with each breath. He was devastated by just looking at him, but at the same time, he was overjoyed to know he was still alive. It hurt him to see Fuze in such a condition, he couldn’t help but concern himself with almost everything.
His beard had grown in more, now it was scruffy and unkempt. An oxygen mask perched over his mouth and nose, and he took slow, laboured breaths. The pallid tint to his skin made him appear cold to touch and Jäger clasped his hand over his wrist to find it was true. There was a blocky pulse oximeter over his index finger, obstructing him from holding his hand properly but he held it within his palms, warming it. At the sensation of being touched, Fuze seemed to stir gently, his fingers twitching and flexing ever so slightly and his brows furrowed. Jäger watched with anticipation then told himself not to get his hopes up.
He hadn’t slept much the night before. Perhaps an hour at most until the echoes of gunfire at the back of his mind had tormented him to the brink of having a mental breakdown. While he languished over knowing Fuze was in such a severe condition, he found comfort in being able to stay by his side. He held firmly onto his hand and scooted his chair closer to the bed, then shifted into a comfortable position and rested his head against the mattress. The bedsheets were scratchy and his hunched-over posture cramped his muscles, but he was too exhausted to care.
Finally able to relax, he realised how badly his head ached. Sleep quickly took hold of him.
The sensation of fingers carding through his hair brought him back home. He imagined those warm mornings during the summer when they would sleep in and by the early hours of the morning, the sun would flood their bedroom through the southern windows. His skin would become peachy from the tingling heat of sunshine while Fuze only ever tanned. Together they laid in until times which would have been unacceptable to Jäger, bodies bare under the sheets and touching. Hands splayed comfortably over the broad lengths of backs, over chests and along thighs. Occasionally Jäger would press his face against Fuze’s chest, cheek brushing against his pectorals where fine hairs grew. Other times, he clung onto his side, snaked his arms around his midriff then slung a leg over his to claim him.
The gentle scene of his dream was disturbed. He stirred at the blunt tap of an object against his head, then as he returned to reality he awoke with a startling epiphany. His eyes snapped open, first catching the cord of Fuze’s pulse oximeter dangling over his face then he raised his head, slow to ease out the crick in his neck and saw that Fuze was awake. He blinked several times to confirm what he was seeing, then his mind blanked and all he could do was gawk back at him as if he was a mythical creature.
“Hey,” Fuze managed to croak through the oxygen mask. It was amusing to watch Jäger become overwhelmed and flustered, his chapped lips curved into a gentle curve and he relaxed as Jäger palmed his jaw and moved to embrace him, lips pressing a million kisses onto his forehead. Fuze clawed off the mask and grasped for him, fingers weakly digging into the fabric of his hoodie to pull him closer into a proper kiss. The sensation of Jäger’s body weight pressing against his wounds forced a quiet groan but he ignored the pain and sank deeper into their kiss.
Jäger quickly pulled away, his brows furrowing in concern. “Are you okay? I’m sorry-“
“No, it’s fine,” Fuze murmured back and held onto his hands with all the strength he could muster. “I thought I was gone, I…” he swallowed thickly and looked towards Jäger with glimmering eyes. His breaths were still just as slow and deep, shuddering ever so slightly. “Everything just went black.”
Jäger brought his cool hands to his lips and pressed a kiss against them, giving them a firm squeeze. “You’re here now,” he reminded him. “And you’re alive, you’re well.” His voice grew brittle, he tried to suppress the emotions growing inside him as his throat stiffened, the raw sensation returning ten times worse. “How are you feeling?”
“Hurts like hell,” Fuze answered and strained as he shifted in bed. “Could be worse, I suppose.” His gentle gaze rested on him and he knew things weren’t right with Jäger, not from the bags under his eyes to his anxious fidgeting as his fingers toyed with the edge of the blanket on the bed. “I hope I didn’t scare you too bad,” he said with a careful chuckle, trying not to exasperate himself. In response, Jäger had no words but he managed a wobbly smile that answered Fuze’s thoughts. “And I love you,” he added after a lasting pause, his hand squeezing gently. A smile bloomed across his face and he reached to palm Jäger’s cheek, his thumb catching a hot tear within its path.
Once it starts, Jäger knew he was impossible to stop. His expression began to crumple and his lips trembled some more, vision became obscured by the hot wave of more tears gathering. He hated crying, especially in front of others but with Fuze, he knew he could be vulnerable without fearing judgement. There wouldn’t be any “hey, don’t cry” or the awkward silences. Fuze pulled him into an embrace and held him close, fingers weaving into his hair and he leaned down to press a kiss onto his head.
The scent of disinfectant on his skin was overwhelming and his cheek pressed against the thin fabric that covered his body, feeling the warmth radiating. There was nothing else he needed more than this, nothing more calming than hiding in the darkness of his arms, listening to his soft reassurances and his mumbled terms of endearment in his mother tongue, something which Jäger was never able to understand but enjoyed unbelievably so.
When he had composed himself he pulled away and looked towards Fuze to be met with a gentle smile. He wiped at his own cheeks again and managed a steady breath.
“I love you too,” he finally said.
Spotting a jug of water situated at the base of the bed where the charter was, Jäger rose to his feet and poured him a glassful. He brought it back and urged him to drink it then he gingerly brushed back his hair from his forehead. These minor affections were natural to him now, no longer motions he had to deliberate. Within the confines of the hospital room they didn’t have to worry about bystanders, they allowed themselves to ease up, especially given what had happened.
By ten o’clock, the nurses checked in then not soon after, Fuze’s doctor had arrived to check on his condition. As they were going to change his dressings, Fuze suggested he should go pick up something to eat, or at least drink a coffee and Jäger took this as his queue to leave, even if he didn’t quite understand what the deal was if he sat in the room and observed.
The hallways seemed blindingly bright when he stepped out. For a moment he was confused as to where to go, trying to recall where he came from. As he was about to leave, someone approached him.
A man, perhaps in his early forties with dark hair, a complexion similar to Fuze’s. He began to speak in Russian, proposing a question.
“Sorry, I don’t understand,” Jäger responded in English.
“Oh, what I was trying to say was that I’m visiting my brother, I was told by one of his colleagues he’s supposed to be in this room but just as I came, the nurses went in,” the stranger explained, his accent heavy. “Are you also one of Shuhrat’s colleagues?”
“Yeah, I’m Marius,” he introduced himself and held his hand out for a handshake.
The stranger’s smile wavered for a moment as if he had come to a sudden realisation, and at that instance, Jäger sensed that he knew who he was now. He shook Jäger’s hand with a firm grip. “My name is Aziz. I guess the nurses will be in there for a while? Say, why don’t we go to the cafeteria for a bit? I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said and motioned down the hall. Jäger felt a shiver come up his spine, he had always feared what kind of impression he had already made without knowing.
The cafeteria was beginning to get busy at this time. They bought coffee and found a seat near the back by the windows where Jäger used the opportunity to watch people pass by. It was awfully uncomfortable to look at Aziz, every time he did he was struck by how many features he shared in common with Fuze. He palmed his hot coffee and focused on the skin around his fingernail.
The silence carried on for a while longer and Jäger only grew more uncomfortable, but the idea of trying to spark a conversation wasn’t appealing either. He could feel eyes watching him, judging him from his bruises to his fidgeting. Time was only crawling by, he counted down the minutes passing and hoped that they could be spared of this waiting.
“So, you probably know this but uh… Shuhrat told me,” Aziz spoke finally with an awkward tone but he seemed to try his best to go about it in a cordial manner. Jäger raised a brow to acknowledge him and looked up. “It was surprising at first but at this point, I should’ve seen it coming, hm? He’s what… thirty-four? Never ever spoke of having a girlfriend. Not once! Not even when my brother and I got him drunk and asked about it.”
Jäger forced a laugh and nodded along as he took a sip from his coffee.
“I gotta say, you look much younger than I expected,” he went on to comment. There was a passing moment where Jäger found himself blanking at the compliment, then as the instinct came to thank him, he stumbled upon himself and didn’t say anything at all. Heat crawled all over his skin, he knew he wasn’t making a good impression of himself but he couldn’t help it. “You two are alike as well- you’re both quite reserved.”
“I’m not known for being a conversationalist, I’ll say that.”
The talk shifted to their careers, Jäger spoke briefly about himself and of the projects he worked on with Fuze but then opted to ask about Aziz. A teacher who taught English, married to his high-school sweetheart and a father to three children. He was never one for small talk but it was interesting how Fuze turned out to be such a different person compared to his brother. Jäger wondered what the rest of his family was like.
He knew of his other brother who was rather disapproving of what he saw to be a lifestyle. Being traditional people with more conservative views, Jäger also had an inkling that his parents weren’t too overjoyed when they heard the news, but shy inquiry revealed that they were tolerant of it. Regardless of it, he was still anxious to meet them.
Some time had passed when they decided they would return to check on Fuze. The nurses were gone when they knocked and the look on Fuze’s face to see his brother visiting was a mixture of shock and happiness. A smile grew across Jäger’s face to see him caught in such enthusiastic chat, it seemed almost as if he was completely fine now. He didn’t understand a single word they were saying but he knew for sure they were glad to see one another.
For a while, he was fixed upon the grime under his nails until he felt gentle contact on his arm. The conversation had come to a halt. He looked between Fuze and Aziz, confused as to why his touch would linger when he least expected it to.
Fuze’s mouth twitched as if he was about to speak, then he cleared his throat, his brows furrowing. His grip on Jäger’s arm tightened with insecurity. “How do Mum and Dad feel about this?” He asked in English.
“Well, uh.” Aziz scratched his beard and appeared to be unsure for a second, seeming undecided to look at Jäger or Fuze. He shifted in his seat and mustered a shrug, a smile that was supposed to be comforting. “They’re not happy but they will come around. Don’t worry about it too much!” He gave a chuckle but it didn’t shift Fuze’s concerned expression. “You’re the youngest out of all of us, they’ve always had a soft spot for you.”
It wasn’t exactly what they wanted to hear, in fact, for Fuze he seemed to be filled with dread.
“Hey, listen. No matter what happens, you two have a place in my home,” his brother continued to speak, noting their discomfort. “It doesn’t matter who you love. You’ll always be the Shuhrat I grew up with and I’ll be happy to meet whoever you’re dating.”
After a couple of days, Fuze was discharged. During that time Jäger learnt how to properly clean out his healing wounds and observed carefully whenever the nurses changed his dressings. Harry had given them some extra time to remain in Russia, acknowledging it would be best to give Fuze some time to rest and visit family before taking the flight back to England.
A generous layer of snow settled on the pavements when they left the small restaurant they ate lunch at. It was surprising how quickly time passed. Jäger swore yesterday they were wedging the workshop door open with a can of paint because it was too hot, now he was fussing over the zipper on his coat and asking Fuze for the fifth time if he was warm enough. Autumn had settled in well for a while now and the beginnings of Winter were showing, if not already there.
Aziz lived a considerable distance from where they were stationed and where the hospital was situated. A text stating he would arrive in the early afternoon turned into a hopeful call that maybe he’ll make it by five, given that the traffic cleared up.
As a result, they were left to their own devices. Coffee shops sustained them for a while, they filled themselves with pastries and warm drinks to pass the time and keep the cold at bay. Without internet, there wasn’t much to do but they spent a good amount of time in several bookstores, quietly trifling through the aisle and wondering how long they could stay before it got weird.
Jäger found himself immersed in a small novel, some ancient-looking thing from the stack of second-hand books. The spine was peeling, pages slowly falling out and the text was faint but he could still make it out. He felt a nudge which knocked him out of his focus and looked up to see Fuze grinning at him.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing special,” Jäger mumbled back and closed the cover. He set it back onto the shelf and hauled up their heavy duffel bags. “Are we going now?”
With a brow raised, Fuze reached for the book. “Yeah, I just got a message that he’s waiting in a car park about five minutes away.” His eyes trailed down the cover, he flipped it over and scanned the blurb. “You like this?”
“It’s alright- why?”
A little smile brightened Fuze’s face and he shrugged. “I’ll get it for you since you’ve been carrying my bags around all day. Never pegged you to like romance,” he said and his hand dipped into his pocket to find some money.
They paid and left the small shop. A strong gust of wind ushered them faster down the street. At this point the entire streets were dark and a layer of spotless snow settled on the pavements, only to be tarnished with their little, black footsteps. Jäger’s fingers tightened around the straps of their bags and he made sure not to walk too fast, occasionally slowing down and looking towards Fuze to make sure he was alright.
The small yet affectionate act of gifting the book warmed his heart. For a while he was puzzled because to him the bags weren’t that heavy at all, he didn’t break a sweat lugging them around and it was no challenge. When it finally clicked and he realised it wasn’t a matter of repayment, but an excuse to demonstrate love, that little moment of clarity was euphoric.
The beam of car headlights cut through the night. They trudged over to a beat-up SUV and Jäger put the bags in the trunk then joined Fuze in the backseat. The radio hummed under their small talk and the warmth from the radiators embraced them as the car rolled down the icy roads. After a while, Fuze reached over to grasp his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Their eyes met under the alternating flashes of amber lamplight and darkness, lips perked into simpers before they returned their gaze to the winding streets ahead.
They drove for perhaps an hour or so. Luckily Aziz told them they would make it in time for dinner and Fuze was insistent that his grandmother made the best stews. There was a nice bottle of wine waiting for them, perhaps whiskey if they desired and plenty of beer. Jäger liked the idea of cracking open a nice beer in the late evening, letting his hair down and relaxing.
After all that happened, it would certainly be nice.
The car began to slow down when they entered a smaller neighbourhood. The houses were in neat rows attached to one another, not too big but enough space for a family. Brakes squealed and the car jolted to a halt, reversed into a space behind a nicer Mercedes. As Fuze’s grasp left his hand, the cold settled back in. He looked to his left towards him, hardly making out his expression but as the rumble of the engine died down he could hear slow and careful breaths. Light glinted off his eyes which were cast and fixed onto the house, studying the orange windows.
“Careful. The pavement gets slippery,” Aziz warned in his usual, jubilant tone. He pulled the keys out and pocketed it. At the quietness, he turned and shot them a puzzled look, glancing back and forth between the two of them. “Smile a little. You’re home!”
Sensing his unease, Jäger nudged him. Aziz opened the door and allowed a great gust of cold air into the car. At the sensation of the biting wind and the lights turning on, Fuze tore his gaze away. He cleared his throat and his brows furrowed. “Yeah,” he mumbled back, voice tense and sharp. “You go ahead, I’ll help Marius with the bags.”
“Sure. Leave them by the stairs when you get in.”
The snow crunched underfoot. Jäger reached around the trunk, fingers feeling along the wet metal until he found the handle. He grabbed the bags, knowing Fuze was loitering a few feet away, his eyes downcast and his thoughts churning so hard Jäger would joke there was steam coming out of his ears.
He closed the trunk and paused, making sure everything was in place. Ready to go, he hoisted the bags up and took a step forward. Fuze followed, although reluctant and full of anxiety. It didn’t feel right to not say anything about it. Jäger turned on his heel and watched him close the front garden gate.
There wasn’t the same excitement in his expression anymore. For a guy so poised and stone-cold, it was unusual to see him in such a fragile state. Jäger put down their things and brought a hand to his cheek, palm to his stubble. He pressed a gentle kiss onto his lips, held it for a fleeting moment before he pulled away. Despite his expectations, Fuze did not resist his touch but sank into it. His eyes closed and his face contorted with emotional anguish.
“You can do it,” Jäger murmured softly, both his palms cupping his jawline, thumbs caressing soothing circles into his skin. Fuze managed a silent nod, white mist puffing from his parted lips as he gave a shaky exhale. “I’ve got your six, yeah?”