Work Text:
If you’re not familiar with the kick-puncher story line, you might want to watch this video first:
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He propped himself up against a wall and adjusted a pillow to the most comfortable support position for long-term laptop usage. He sighed, opened his laptop, and after it booted, opened the “videos” folder. He right-clicked, created a new folder named it “Troy” and began dragging videos of his ex-bestfriend into it. He had already decided that he wouldn’t get rid of anything that had anyone else in it, he’d hate to loose the footage of the rest of his friends and there was a kind of illogical bitterness in painstakingly editing him out of the hours and hours of footage, but there were plenty of videos of just the two of them. Various rap videos, costumed footage, Troy’s stand up routines. There was an entire collection of Troy playing football. He almost moved the entire Kick-Puncher file out of his videos until he suddenly thought of something. He opened up the Kick-puncher file and browsed until he found the one he was looking for.
"K-P sex scene" was a well kept secret of Abed and Troy’s, even to each other. They never talked about it after they had finished filming, and in the end, only three seconds of it were even featured on the final YouTube publish. It was a full twenty minutes long, because they had done take after unnecessary take until there was no way they could pretend they couldn’t use any of it. Abed had saved it, pretending he didn’t know why, but had never re-watched it after the first edit. And now, about to erase Troy from his computer forever, he thought it might be his last chance to watch it once more.
Abed double clicked the video and chose VLC. It opened on the lower bunk of their bed, but the camera was strategically placed so that it wasn’t obvious what kind of bed it was.
"Ready?" He heard himself say, "Action!"
Abed threw himself down on the bed. He was wearing the wig and pink outfit.
"I know how to find your humanity, Kick-Puncher." He purred in a high-pitched voice.
"You are beautiful,” Troy confirmed, coming into the scene all decked out in aluminum foil, “but I am still half robot.”
"My body is human enough for the both of us." Abed replied and fluttered his eyelashes dramatically.
Troy crawled on top of Abed, hovering above him not really touching. Their faces got very close but neither of them moved to kiss the way they were supposed to in the movie.
"This is weird. Is this weird?" Troy asked, in his usual way.
"It’s not weird. We’re in character." Abed replied, but Troy didn’t look convinced, "This is only the first take. Don’t be nervous."
Abed grabbed Troy’s bicep and smiled at him.
"Maybe it’s just because I’ve never kissed a dude before." Troy laughed nervously.
"Me neither." Abed paused, looking toughtful, "It’s not uncommon for actors to practice before they go on film. Like Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill. Let’s kiss a couple times, then do a second take."
"O-okay."
"Stay here." Abed said, suddenly out of character, "Let me check the angle."
Abed moved to get up and Troy shifted awkwardly to get out of his way without getting up from the bed. Abed disappeared out of the frame and the camera moved a little bit.
"Smile." his voice prompted, and Troy shot him a goofy grin. The frame stuttered and Troy came back into view, lounging on the bottom bunk a little more confidently. Abed remembered those two off camera pre-kisses before the second take with relish.
Abed came back into the frame and laid back down on the bed next to Troy. There was nothing but silence for a few seconds. Troy readjusted himself so he was hovering over Abed like before, his body not quite pressing, but very close to the other man’s. Abed put a hand on Troy’s firm bicep and bent his leg at the knee so that the top of it could be seen on the other side of Troy’s hip.
"Oh, Kick-puncher." Abed moaned convincingly.
Then they kissed.
It was a deep, powerful kiss, and profoundly sexual. Abed remembered thinking that at the time, tongue deep in his best friend, that it was exactly the kind of B-movie kiss necessary for the film. He remembered waiting for Troy to pull back and say something in-character. He waited, kissing Troy as though he were passionate but staying outside the situation like always, waited for him to move the scene forward predictably. That moment never came. As future!Abed watched from the pillow fort, he saw when realization dawned on girl!Abed, and he preemptively unbuttoned the top button of his pants in anticipation of the rest of the video.
Girl!Abed pulled back out of the kiss, met eyes with a lust-drunk Troy, and pulled him back down towards him with a renewed understanding. He let his hands travel away from Troy’s arms and down his back. Something about the touch made Troy relax, lowering his body onto Abed’s. Now there was nothing but their clothes between them, and Troy’s size made his erection impossible to hide.
What had Abed felt in the moment? Fear and panic had pulsed through him at first, knowing that it was Troy’s penis that was hot and hard against his leg. Excitement and curiosity were next. Would they have sex? Would Troy come? Was Abed turned on? Yes. He was. Did that make him gay? Maybe. Did it matter? No. It was as simple as a sitcom trope: the sex scene was a smoke screen. They could do whatever they wanted in this context and dismiss it later. Abed created a few rules for himself, rapid fire in his own mind.
- Don’t say either “Troy” or “Kick-puncher”. (so as not to harm either illusion)
- Let Troy control how far they actually went.
- Enjoy.
Abed took number four to heart, and kissed Troy with renewed fervor. He licked the roof of Troy’s mouth and the football star let out a squeak he would have expected from Annie. But far from backing off, Troy pushed back into the kiss, freeing up a hand to cup Abed’s neck and bring him in further. But in the readjustment, Abed’s wig fell off.
"Scene." Abed said abruptly.
There was an awkward moment of mutual embarrassment as Abed had to find his way out from under Troy and retrieve the wig then make his way to the camera to recheck the angle.
Troy looked past the camera at Abed who was standing behind it and smiled shyly. Abed remembered not knowing what to say or do, except to stage the scene.
"Lay back." Off-camera!Abed told Kick-puncher!Troy. Troy obeyed, lying on his back, the bulge in his pants suddenly very visible to the camera. Future!Abed gazed at it hungrily. Troy glanced at the camera, meeting future!Abed's gaze for a brief moment, before bringing his eyes back to the Abed a little behind and to the right of it. "We’ll try something different with this one."
"Action." Abed declared, and came back into the frame. This time, though the wig was back in place, Abed had taken off the pink shirt and just had his padded bra and skinny jeans on.
Troy giggled, but getting the idea, held his hands up at approximately where Abed’s hips would be if he was straddling him. Abed smiled brightly in return and quickly clamored to fill the space between the sturdy palms. Girl!Abed began to grind against Troy’s crotch, and the Abed who was watching the video put his hand down to cup his own straining erection as he remembered the sensation. The Troy and Abed on the screen were moaning at a humiliating volume, as they rutted together in near wild abandon.
Take after take, the clothes came on and off. The costume parts fell away and the whole thing had to be redone again and again. It wasn’t until the fifth take that Troy decided to start biting Abed’s neck, which allowed Abed to have the courage in the sixth take to grab Troy’s butt. With each take, pillowfort!Abed stroked himself a little harder. On the eleventh, and final, take, kick-puncher!Troy slipped his hand under the elastic of the back of girl!Abed’s panties and clutched his left butt cheek while sucking hard on the tender skin of his neck, and both Abeds called out in pleasure.
While the Abed in the pillow fort came all over his hand at the memory of that particular sensation, the Abed in the video was pushing Troy away and making his face back into the emotionless mask he usually wore. Video!Abed had not actually come, but it had been close. Video!Troy was still hard, and both of them had little dots on the front of their underwear that was undoubtedly precum. “Cut!” Abed said a little more loudly than was necessary and sprinted to shut off the camera.
The Abed in the pillow fort cleaned himself up the best he could before exiting out of the video program. He stared at the file labeled “K-P sex scene” for a few minutes before copying it into an invisible folder on his desktop, then he transferred the entirety of the Kick-puncher folder into the “Troy” file, and that file onto a flashdrive.
He dropped the flashdrive unceremoniously into a plain envelope then deleted the “Troy” file from his computer. He emptied the recycle bin.
Exiting the secluded portion of the pillow fort he called out to Magnitude.
"Yes, Captain?" Magnitude asked, at full attention, or as close to it as he could be while inside a pillow fort.
"Deliver this to Troy of the Blaketeers. No accompanying message." Abed informed him.
"Pop pop, Captain!" Magnitude saluted, and went to deliver the message in a soldierly fashion.
Abed’s expression turned inward. He wondered if Troy would delete the videos or keep them. He wonder if, like himself, Troy would enjoy a moment of weakness in a private section of the blanket fort. Or maybe Troy wouldn’t even think to look at the video.
Troy had always been better at lying to himself than Abed.
