Chapter Text
Richie saw his memory. He didn't like it, sure, but he still watched it. It felt so foreign, yet he knew that he'd had this experience. For one, he was watching it, but also, he felt those emotions, too. He felt every word that most people had probably called him by then. Fag, queer, flamer, faggot, fairy. The scariest thing for him was that these were true, and he knew it all too well. That R+E in the bridge sure isn't very hetero, now is it? But It was the '80s, and he was currently a 38-year-old closeted gay man standing in a town so close-minded that he knew it could never handle him. He could never tell them the truth.
When Bowers screamed, Richie knew he was fucked. This was his death-date and even 11-year-old him knew it. It rang through his ears and didn't stop echoing in his mind. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, FAGGOT!" It seemed to shout, unrelenting. Henry screamed something else that Richie didn't quite make out and made a mad dash. Adult Richie watched with a somber expression. He didn't quite remember what came next but he felt fear. He felt like it was something he'd seen before, which it was.
The Paul Bunyan statue attacked, and with a few mumbles of, "this isn't real, this isn't real," from his younger self, it was over. Everything was gone. He was here again, everything's fine.
Then he got the invite to his own funeral and heard the dreadful sound of Pennywise.
"Did you miss me, Richie?" It spoke as he jumped back and faced it. "...Because I missed you..." It said again, that fake frown on it's smug face. "No one wants to play with the clown anymore..." It said, faking a moment of consideration. "Play a game with me, would you? How about street fighter? Oh, yes, you like that one, don't you," It said, faking innocence as Richie stood there with a gaping month. It laughed. "...Or maybe..." It paused, possibly for dramatic effect. "Truth or dare?" Richie closed his mouth and stumbled back, stuttering. "Oh, you wouldn't want anyone to pick truth though, would you, Richie?" It said, smiling. That stupid, sadistic smile. It started flying towards him with an upside-down pyramid of red balloons as it spoke again. "You wouldn't want anyone to know what you're hiding," it laughed.
"I know your secret, your dirty little secret. Oh, I know your secret, your DIRTY. LITTLE. SECRET," It sang, spitting all the while. Richie stood there in shock, wanting to run, wanting to hide, anything but this. "Should I tell them, Richie?" It taunted, smiling. Richie took a deep breath and closed his eyes, muttering, "This isn't happening, this isn't real. It isn't real, it isn't happening," He exhaled and opened his eyes, but Pennywise jumped at him, causing him to scream and flee. "Come back and play! Come back and play with the clown," he heard distantly as it dragged on the last 'play' and 'clown', it's face distorting, just like normal. Except this wasn't normal. This was real.
---
When Richie got to the townhouse, all he wanted to do was leave. Those words echoed in his mind more than Henry's statement, although it wasn't exactly gone either.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. FAGGOT. GET THE FUCK OUT. QUEER. FAIRY. FAG.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. He stomped up the stairs.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. He started packing.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. He thought of ways to get out while dragging his luggage. He figured they definitely didn't want to be near a dirty faggot anyways.
DIRTY LITTLE-
"What are you doing Richie?"
He turned around. There stood Ben, concerned as all hell. Richie looked him up and down before replying, "I'm getting out of fucking dodge, just like I said," Richie started to leave when Ben put his arm in the way. "No you're not, you made a promise," he stated. "Yeah, well, can I un-promise?" Richie responded, sarcasm dripping from his tone. Ben gave him a look before they heard Bev scream, making Ben follow immediately, dragging Richie along. "Are you okay Bev- OH MY GOD," Ben screamed when he saw Eddie. Richie ran over without Ben mumbling words like, "Eddie, Eddie, oh god don't die, I didn't get to tell you..," They all wondered when it would- "...that I fucked your mom last night," There it is. Eddie did a side-eye type look and said, "Bowers is in my room," As blood soaked his shirt.
Bowers left his room through the window, as evident by the broken pane. They were so screwed.
---
Eddie got patched up and the Loser's club was together currently, taking a small walk break on the street to calm their nerves. It was only then when Richie spotted a red balloon. Then another. Then another. There were hundreds of red balloons in the sky and attached was a clown, slowly floating down. It stood and stared at them, Richie it particular, before cracking it's infamous smile. "You never answered my question, Richie," it said. "Should I tell them? Should I tell them your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET?" It asked, rhetorically. "What's it talking about, Rich?" Richie couldn't place who said that, but he didn't respond. His face has gone pale and he couldn't speak. He was too scared.
"Is that a yes?" it asked. "Or a no," it's face dropped into an over exaggerated frown. "You aren't responding, and your secret rests in my hands, but oh, how horribly they'd think of you? They're smart-mouth loser friend, Richie? A dirty little qu-" It cut itself off. "But you wouldn't like that would you? No... That's why it's your dirty secret." It said, grinning like a maniac.
Richie's palms went clammy. He tried to tell it to stop, but he couldn't get it out. He tried to say no but it wouldn't let him. This much be how Bill felt. "Does your silence mean yes?" it asked. The losers listened intently, save for the occasional snappy banter. "Whatever it is, we don't care!" Richie heard Bill say without a stutter, trying to seem brave. They were adults after all.
It smiled. A manic, sadistic smile. "Oh, but you will, when you find out Richie Tozier is a dirty." Richie's heart pounded more with every word. "Little." Richie's palms grew clamier. "Flaming." It said, almost satisfied. Richie's stomach did a somersault, but he just stood there, waiting, like a coward. "FAGGOT!" Pennywise yelled. Richie started panic. He didn't think Pennywise would say it. That it would be just another useless tease. He looked behind him...
And was faced with looks of utter absolute disgust.