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Plenty of moments in Misako’s life could be considered horrible, she lived in a world with more than one variety of magical beings so that was to be expected, but the morning that utterly devastated her and pivoted her entire future was the one when she found her husband missing.
Misako always got up early back then, violently early before the sun even peeked out from the horizon, but it was earlier than usual. She awoke to find her husband, Garmadon, wasn't in bed. He'd not been feeling well completely bedbound for the past few days with crippling migraines and body aches, so for him to suddenly be gone was beyond peculiar. She'd assumed he must have gotten up in search of painkillers or something of the sort. She rose to begin searching the house, not bothering to be quiet for Llyra since her and Garmadon agreed it was better for the girl to be a heavy sleeper than Garmadon who woke at nearly the slightest of noise.
She walked the length of the house, checking the bathroom, guest rooms, living room, sitting room, kitchen, the training room, and even the cellar basement only to come to the realization that Garmadon was nowhere to be found. She began to panic at that point, she was still under the assumption he was likely ill and off doing First Master knows what. Sure her and Garmadon had their fair share of fights by that point, with his fervent nightmares and complaints of the voice of the Great Devourer and her being less than pleased with such eerie comments, but it wasn't like he would just run off without telling her. Surely he would never do such a thing in the right mind, that forced her to acknowledge the fact he might not be in the right mind and a terrifying thought enraptured her mind. ‘ What if he wasn't exaggerating when he said the Great Devourer was getting lou der? ’ She thought to herself as she paced her living room trying to breathe and not go into a full panic attack.
She failed, her vision spinning and growing dark around the edges as she pressed her back against the wall choking on her own breath. She felt stupid, so stupid, what would her parents say if they saw her in such a state? ‘Ugh Misako gather yourself like a proper lady, all this over that man!’ they would say with those faces that we more similar to a wolf's snarl than a human expression.
Her parents more than disapproved of her marriage they outright forbade it when Garmadon asked for their blessings. That night wound up with all four of them yelling at each other with her parents arguing that her not marrying Wu would be a great mistake and her insisting she loved Garmadon and he said he loved her just as much. Next thing she knew her mother was calling Garmadon all sorts of vile things to his face causing him to storm out leaving Misako to yell some more before following her husband to the car. She found him outside hands pressed to his eyes. She took deep breaths as she sat next to him not wanting to say something she didn't mean to him.
‘They're right Misako you'll never have a peaceful life with me’ he'd said with tears in his scarlet eyes. She'd insisted at the time that wasn't true and that she loved him and they would be happy no matter what, but now she wonders if that's true. She does still love him, more than fire loves innocents, more than the sun loves the moon and the sea loves ships, but she couldn't help but wonder if things would be easier if he was different if he wasn't… bit.
She knows it's cruel, he was a child, a scared kid who reached to grab his brother's katana for him, but sometimes it feels like he's barely the person she loved. When he was screaming in the night or pressed against a wall hyperventilating not allowing her close, fangs bared and claws sharp, she felt like he was a… Well, a monster. He looked disturbing, with his scarlet eyes alight with an emotion she couldn't always pinpoint, his claws and horns making him more Oni than man. It wasn't his fault, and it wasn't even like he was hurting her or Llyra, quite the opposite he seemed to violently afraid of harming them to the point he wouldn't let either of them near him.
Llyra however was always unbothered by his more Oni appearance much to Garmadon’s and even her initial surprise. Sometimes Misako would peek her head into Llyra's room at night to find Garmadon in the rocking chair all of his illusions down, Llyra curled in his lap holding lazily onto a clawed hand or Llyra, ever the adventure, crawling over his shoulders and grabbing at his horns. He would laugh and say things in a language she could neither speak nor understand, one from a realm far away from their own. Llyra, a spitfire who would never stop squirming when she was in Misako’s arms, would calm the second her father scooped her up never failing to put their daughter at ease.
Their life was perfect, all before his outbursts at least. She knew this would be part of being with him, but she didn't truly grasp how difficult it would be until she woke up to screams for the first time. They didn't fight all too often but when they did she wasn't angry at him when they fought, she was afraid, for herself and for him. She was rarely ever truly mad, but the fear and the hopelessness would build in the back of her throat and morph into words she didn't mean. She wished they'd morph into silence, that she could swallow her words like her father did when she and her mother fought, instead, she said things she couldn't take back.
Now as she pressed against the wall she wished she had never said any of the words that poured carelessly from her lips. She wants her husband's voice to break the silence, for the low rumble that whispered kind words to meet her ears and she could wrap her arms around him. Instead, she rises from the ground legs wobbly as she walks to the telephone on the wall and she begins to ring for Wu, the only other person who may know where he is. The phone rings a few times before the other line connects each one her heart pounding in fearful anticipation.
“Wu?” She asks the second the other line picks up.
“Misako? Oh, Masters thank goodness you're safe!” He lets out a long sigh of relief that makes her mouth feel dry.
“What are you talking about? Wu, what happened? Do you know where Garmadon is?” Her chest constructs as if a large serpent were attempting to crush her rib cage.
“Misako I… I'm so sorry…” His voice shakes slightly and she feels her stomach turn as she waits for him to speak. “He tried to take the golden weapons Misako… The Great Devourer completely consumed his mind, the Garmadon you knew is gone Misako, I'm so sorry,”
It was all she could do to stop the phone from sliding from her hand as she held back sobs, she couldn't cry, not now and not in front of Wu. Her husband was gone, consumed by the entity she hadn't truly believed was as vicious as he claimed. “He is in the Underworld, I had to banish him. I am so sorry Misako there was no other way,”
“I understand,” Is all she says.
She wanted to scream and demand he bring Garmadon back, but would the man still be the one she loved? Would it still be the man who cared for her and their child? Who would she see wearing her husband's face? The man she married or the monster that tormented him all these years? She didn't know, but no matter the answer all she knew was that she was now alone .
“Misako, are you alright?” Wu asks his voice strained as years began to form in her eyes.
“I'll be fine… Wu I- tomorrow I'd like to come by the monastery to speak with you,” She kept her voice strong and steady, refusing to let the tears move into her voice.
“Of course, please do not hesitate. This is not an easy loss… for either of us.” He says the last part quietly, strained, the voice of a brother who'd been confronted with a decision no one ever wants to make.
“Of course. Good night, Wu, I will be there in the afternoon.”
The second the phone was on the hook she collapsed. Tears spilled from her eyes down her cheeks as she attempted and failed to heave air into her lungs. She felt as if she may be sick, sitting on her knees face buried in her hands so deeply it felt as if her flesh would meld together. She wanted to disappear from this universe and emerge in one which was less cruel.
Why did that stupid snake have to have bitten him? Why couldn't she have listened when he said the Great Devourer was getting louder? Millions of questions pool in her head one after another like a relentless storm until she hears the familiar sound of Llyra trying to climb out of her crib, which they'd had to rig with bells for that exact reason. She scraped herself from the floor, knees weak and hands shaking barely holding onto reality.
In her daughter's room, she found the girl trying to maneuver out of her bed. Misako scoops her up clutching her tightly praying that maybe her misery would ease, but at the sound of Llyra's wordless complaints, she only feels more hopeless. Her husband was gone, Llyra's father was gone. How would she explain that to her daughter? Tell her that her father was consumed by an evil greater than even the First Spinjitzu Master could banish, how much more cruel a tale could there be?
She cradles Llyra who stares up at her with those vibrant jade eyes, the ones neither she nor Garmadon possessed. Her family was full of people with dark onyx eyes and Garmadon’s family tree was sparse seeing his father had created him from nothingness, so her vibrant eyes had always been a bit peculiar. Misako felt her heart catch in her throat as she was suddenly all to aware of the looming presence of a tale she'd heard long ago, a prophecy, one that was so highly debated that some were convinced it was fiction.
“Mama?” Llyra's voice is unknowing as Misako feels her world collapse further, her daughter staring up completely unknowing of what she signified.
“I'm so sorry.”
▪︎■▪︎
Misako had more mistakes under her belt than dirt under her nails, some blurred together, and decisions she once saw as just have revealed themselves as her attempts to justify some of the worst choices she's ever made. She'd hid her child in an attempt to shield him from destiny only to deliver Lloyd straight to its door. She traveled to the ends of the land and tried so desperately to find a way to alter the fate of the prophecy only to wind up watching her attempts crumble to dust in front of her eyes.
On top of it all she'd abandoned her son for nothing . She remembers the first time she saw him after all those years, he was a scrawny boy in a green gi that still seemed a size too big for him, pale curly blonde hair that hung into jade eyes, and a smile directed at his friends that fell the second he saw her. To him, she was a complete stranger who he coincidentally shared some of his facial features with. She didn't blame him, in reality, it took her a moment before she realized that was her child, the baby she'd left years before.
She thought she was going to cry when he asked who she was and hesitated so heavily when she offered a hug. The initial excitement of their meeting wore off quickly, she realized that the boy she was met with was nothing like the child she had thought she would see. Sure he was kind and sweet and a hero just as she expected but he was also so… different. He tended to flinch away from touch unless he initiated, he was skeptical and even a bit sharp at times. The other Ninja say it wasn't because of her but of Darkley's, that still meant it was her fault. When he had a problem he would turn to Zane or Nya before he so much as acknowledged her, even then she was rarely even a second option, she was more like a last resort. He more often called her ‘Misako’ not mom or even mother but by her name . She hated it and worst of all she couldn't blame him, she had done it to herself.
Then Garmadon got cured. She thought the return of her husband, of Lloyd's father, that they would become the family she always dreamed of, but that's not what happened. Unlike when Misako met Lloyd for the first time he took to his father immediately nearly tackling him in a hug that left the older man stumbling and laughing as he held his son close as his true self for the first time in years. She embraced him the second she could and he pressed a loving kiss to her forehead that made her beam with a type of lovesickness she'd thought she had long since lost. Having him hold her was like a calm after a violent storm, it was beautiful in the moment, but shortly after she was forced to acknowledge the damage.
The first few weeks were all about helping Ninjago in all ways they could along with celebrations of Lloyd's success and Garmadon’s return to goodness. Lloyd assisted with his golden powers and Misako assisted in a few city remodeling plans before she and Garmadon retreated to their family home on the outskirts of the northern mountain range a few days from the city and just outside a small farming village. She was so happy to be home that she didn't start noticing changes until they'd settled.
Garmadon seemed… strange. He was more relaxed and less energetic than she remembered, he was still sweet and thoughtful but less impulsive and quick-tongued. It wasn't bad necessarily but it was odd seeing him speak and laugh like he used to knowing that he had been gone so long. He seemed so genuinely happy, so much more so than when they wed, but at the same time, his eyes seemed tired as if he were constantly carrying some kind of weight or burden.
She asked Wu if he seemed different, but he'd said no, that his brother for the first time in far too long truly seemed like himself. It made her feel worse as if she was looking at her husband through some odd colored lenses while everyone else's were clear. She wanted to love him like she had, with nothing but unkempt passion and all of her heart, but when she looked at him and his kind eyes crinkled into a smile she felt like she was looking at a stranger. She still loved him, or perhaps a version of him, one that no longer exists.
It was only made worse when the children of the village came looking to Garmadon for guidance. They were all sweet kids ranging in age, some as old as Cole, others as young as kindergarten. They asked for stories and advice from her husband knowing he was the son of the First Spinjitzu Master, and he was plenty glad to oblige. Sitting outside in the spring sun under freshly bloomed trees talking of times long past. The older teens were more hesitant at first mostly being there to watch their siblings but they themselves would find themselves enthralled by her husband's understanding of their plights and worries.
She was working with the local archeological sight in the mornings and afternoons and she came home to Garmadon either preparing dinner or weaving tales for whoever had come knocking that day, or both. The kids were often polite with her asking about her digs and some of the older kids asking for advice on history projects, their home and its accompanying training hall had all but become a hall of study. She didn’t mind, she liked getting to share knowledge and help kids who maybe didn't have that sort of assistance elsewhere. Though every once in a while she was painfully reminded of the son she never had the chance to teach, and she had to excuse herself.
The guilt ate away at her like a beast gnawing at the bars of its cage, and slowly she began to feel as if she too was in a cage. Misako wasn't one to stay in place for very long, staying meant comfort and comfort meant she was forced to reckon with all that had happened. Her guilt and regret could chew a hole in her gut all while her brain was mutilated by what-ifs and her inability to enjoy where she was. So often she found herself angry, not at Garmadon or all the people around her who only sought to make her happier, but at herself for the fact that she just wasn't .
One day Lloyd and the other ninja had come to visit in the morning for his birthday upon her and Garmadon’s insistence he take a break. Garmadon had learned, upon calling his brother that Lloyd's favorite meal was breakfast due to all the sweets, so with the advice of Zane who knew exactly what all the ninja's favorite foods were, the two worked some of the night before slept and got up early the next morning to make a nice breakfast. Misako hated sweets, she preferred salty and sour things, so she was tasked with the more savory foods. She also wasn't one to share the kitchen and it took all her energy not to snap when Garmadon bumped into her every once in a while.
It was all barely completed shortly before Wu, Lloyd and his friends arrived. Wu was chastising Cole for speeding on the way as they all entered the house piling their shoes onto the small rack at the front door. They'd hung a few decorations in red and yellow, the colors of Lloyd's favorite comic book character, and he was absolutely awestruck. He embraced them both tightly and appeared almost on the verge of tears as he thanked them before they all tucked in.
Misako was grateful that Garmadon suggested they nearly double the original amount of food planned, Misako truly underestimated six teenagers' ability to burn through food. Eggs, congee, fruits of all varieties, pancakes, waffles (from a waffle maker Misako now had personal problems with), Bánh beo, dosa, bacon, biscuits and sausages, pretty much anything and everything they were capable of making. Misako was shocked Wu was able to bring them up as long as he did, she supposed he wasn’t the one cooking that job landing heavily on Zane who applauded the butterball biscuits she made. That was one of the few recipes she was able to snag from her mother and not once did she regret the amount of begging it took.
Breakfast was a drawn out lively affair that taught Misako that apparently the crime of putting hot sauce on eggs was genetic with Lloyd doing so without a hit of hesitation as well as Kai and Nya doing similar. She was also more than slightly concerned about the amount of salt Jay added to nearly everything he consumed. Then there was Cole who was one pancake short of having a black hole for a stomach though that was putting it lightly. She wasn't entirely sure how Zane ate exactly, much less tasted but they also seemed to enjoy themself thoroughly.
By the end, the teens were chattering and drinking a range of juices, tea, or coffee differing from person to person. Though Misako is pretty certain she didn't offer coffee so it was likely Garmadon who wasn't nearly as hesitant to indulge the teens, they seemed hesitant of him at first and most of them never fully eased though they did seem less jumpy. She was glad to hear Cole and Zane were both wrapping up their final semester of the homeschooling program, Nya was proud to announce the new motorcycle she was building for one of her elective finals and both Kai and Jay were doing swimmingly in their chosen fields as well both very prepared for their last required year. Lloyd on the other hand still had some catching up to do on academics but was progressing faster than expected, though Misako expected nothing less.
The house was so lively that for the first time in a long while Misako felt her mind free of worry. When Lloyd excitedly told her and Garmadon about him helping cities and also passing his science test her heart swelled with pride as she applauded his perseverance. The Ninja were also all excited about the school program they'd be working on that summer to help some of the elementary students who were struggling.
All of it was so good while they were there, however, the second they were gone it all came crashing down. The breakfast was just a hint of the life she could have made for herself. She could have asked Lloyd about his school work and seen her son more than once in a blue moon, but instead, when they were gone after helping clean she was left with an empty house.
She wound up sitting in the living room with one of her crochet projects but it did nothing to help. She went for a long walk down to the town, picked a few things up from the store, and tried to get her mind off of that morning but instead, it just grew more and more vivid. She could still hear the way every time Lloyd said ‘mom’ that he sounded like he was on the brink of saying ‘Misako’ like the word never fully settled into his vocabulary, and still, she couldn't blame him.
She'd left him. She had laid all her cards on the table and chosen so foolishly that she wished she could personally backhand her past self even thinking such a thing. She thought it would help thwart destiny, but just as all things did it only led Lloyd further into its maw. Now the problem was over, the prophecy had been fulfilled, Garmadon was alive and back to his natural state, and her son was a hero, but Misako… she doesn't know what she is. She's not distressed, yet she's also not satisfied. She feels claustrophobic in the life she's created for herself with no way out, but down.
The night after the party neither she nor Garmadon wanted to cook so they wound up ordering takeout from one of the very few places in the village. They ate mostly in silence, by Misako’s choice after she shot down his attempts at conversation, she didn't intend to sound so harsh but it just seemed to slip out.
As she sits chewing on food she found no flavor nor joy in she looks up at Garmadon who'd pulled a book from the shelf in an attempt to give her space. She hated how infinitely forgiving he's been, when she got angry or distressed he would help calm her instead of growing irrational and angry in turn. Sometimes she wished he would, it was easier to get angry rather than try and explain that she was utterly miserable despite having everything she had so long wished for. But that of course begged the question of this even was what she wanted in the first place.
“Garmadon,” She prompts, setting aside her chopsticks. “I have a question for you,”
“And I might have an answer,” He smiles lightly, threading a finger into his book to save his page.
“I know this may sound… odd, but before you met me before we had Lloyd did you- had you ever thought you would have children?” She hadn't asked the question when they were younger, at least not seriously nor sober, she had simply expected they would start a family just like everyone else.
He lets out a long breath eyes drifting to the window as he avoids her gaze “Well I suppose that's a bit of a loaded question,” He begins still not looking at her. “I suppose I never thought about it, I always assumed Wu would be the first to settle down, and as for me well…” He trails off his brow furrowing tightly.
“Quite frankly I never believed someone would want to be with me, I was a rather uh… distressed young adult,” He scratches the back of his neck casting his eyes down at the table.
“Hm,” She taps her fingers against the table as she works to summon something comforting to say or anything that isn't dismissive. “I think I was the same, I especially didn't expect to have children… I don't regret it though,”
No matter how much she regrets what she did to Lloyd, how much she regrets all he's been forced to go through in his short life and every painful thing that may lie ahead, she doesn't regret having Lloyd. There are many things in her life in which she wishes she'd done differently, but now she's firm in the belief she wouldn't give Lloyd up for the world, how ironic.
It's why it scares her to see him when he winds up on the news battered and bruised after busting some newly organized crime group or villain of the week because every time she wondered if he would come across something he couldn't handle on his own. He has this strong sense of justice and it practically shone on his face every time he spoke of helping the people of Ninjago, but she was worried of what would happen in his pursuit to help all those he could. She blames it partially on his upbringing, one she doubts encouraged taking breaks or concern for oneself.
“I wish I hadn't left him at Darkley’s,” She mutters so quietly that she's not even sure if Garmadon heard her, a part of her hopes he didn't.
“I wish you hadn't either,” He states grimly, it's the first time she's heard such an unpleasant tone directed at her to the point it catches her off guard. “Misako tell me, why didn't you leave him with Wu? I understand you felt you couldn't care for him but why… why do that to him?” He sounds so hurt, so disappointed in a way that makes Misako’s throat close as she tries to avoid his gaze.
“I um- I don't- I don't know…”
That wasn't true she had a very real reason to have not left Lloyd with his uncle. Years before Lloyd was even a thought back when she had first met Wu she also met his son and student Morro. He was sweet and even timid at first before showing his more firey and ambitious nature, but his story, his life , ended far too soon. Misako remembers when she first heard the news that Morro had died, she was so shell-shocked she could hardly even believe it at all. Even at the funeral, the one with no body to bury, she found it an impossibility that a child as ambitious as Morro was dead before he ever managed to truly do much at all.
She knew Wu had been training him to be the Green Ninja, intensely at that. Both he and Morro's talk of destiny and his true potential, instead of a noble life it all only resulted in a miserable death. She was terrified her baby, who she knew almost for certain would be the true destined Green Ninja, might meet the same fate. It didn't matter how much pain Wu was in at the time she just couldn't bring herself to believe he wouldn't kill her child just as he had inadvertently killed Morro.
“He could have given Lloyd stability… a better life than Darkley’s ever could have,” Garmadon’s voice grows harsher as he picks up his cup clutching it tightly. “My brother couldn't even remove him if he wanted,”
“What?” Misako had always assumed Wu left Lloyd out of the ignorance of not knowing where he went, or intentionally so as to not disrespect Misako’s decision.
“You didn't leave any of the proper papers for alternative care, remember?” She cupped a hand over her mouth, reminded of how she left Lloyd, tears had filled her eyes, and she tried not to look at him as she left a note for him and another for the school, she hadn't even thought of all of that. “Wu told me over tea a few weeks ago when we got into a bit of a spat ,” He explains further.
“I didn't mean to… I just wanted him to be safe,” She mutters, hand sliding under her glasses and pushing them up as she presses her hands over her eyes.
“I know, I wanted the same and I truly wish I could have done something anything to have given him the life he deserved,” He sighs staring down into his cup. “I fear I've just repeated my father's mistakes,”
The First Spinjitzu Master, the man worshiped across all of Ninjago yet truly known by very few. Garmadon rarely spoke of his father in detail, vague comments about what his father would have said or done, but rarely about the man himself. She knew they had a strained relationship when the man was alive, and that he'd had odd opinions about his Oni origin, but otherwise, her knowledge was only aided by history books and research which were rather biased.
“Was he not… was he not a good parent?” She asks rather bluntly, to the point Garmadon chuckles a bit.
He leans back in his chair taking a long sip of tea before setting his cup back on the table. “My father is a complex individual, as we all are, but uh… Well, my father was born into war and I believe part of him stayed in that war even when it no longer burdened him,” He explains, his face scrunched in concentration. “He was afraid of anything that may disrupt the peace Ninjago had, and it was no different if that thing was one of his children,”
His features and voice are stitched with a sadness she doesn't know how to aid, at least not anymore. “I wish there was something more I could have done, I wish I could have been the father he deserved.”
The room falls silent, the only thing that can be heard is the cicadas outside the window, buzzing and chirping unaware of all the horrors the world has to offer. She couldn't bring herself to speak, she had the chance to be a mother, she had the chance to hold her child and raise him in a caring home, and she didn't. Garmadon didn't have that chance, his mind was consumed and he was banished , humanity removed and eaten away by the Great Devourer and the Underworld molding him into someone completely unrecognizable.
“I'm sorry we couldn't be a family.”
“Me too.”
▪︎■▪︎
Misako left again. She was called to help with an excavation on the opposite side of Ninjago, while she asked Garmadon what he thought she'd already made up her mind, he seemed to know that though. So she packed her bags, her gear and made sure he knew how to get in touch if need be. She wasn't a fan of planes so instead, she got her transregional train tickets and was set to join a crew in the southwest region of Ninjago in a few days.
Over the months Garmadon had opened his doors and started doing basic self-defense lessons, so he was occupied enough. She could feel the disconnect and distance between the two of them growing wider. She loved him she truly did, but she wasn't sure if she was in love with him anymore. It hurt to admit, and she refused to say it for fear of breaking his heart, but she knew it to be true.
So she left, just like she always does. She sits in a train compartment with one of those beds stuck to the walls. She knows trains and cars and vans better than she's ever known any house. Home is the road She always finds herself back on, she's tried to build one elsewhere but it never seems to stick. She doesn't think she'll ever be able to stop moving, that would mean rest and peace. That meant time to think, all that would leave her with was the question of “Why wasn't she happy?” .
She had everything she thought she wanted yet it brought little fulfillment at all, it didn't undo her mistakes, or mend her relationships and it certainly never seemed to make her any happier. She wonders if things would have been different had she done things differently. She loves her son, but had he deserved what she unknowingly forced upon him? What if she hadn't given up Lloyd, or even not had a child at all? Would she still feel like this? How far down did this run? Was it a hurt she could scrape off the surface or one built into her core?
She didn't know and she never would. If given the choice between staying and going she would almost always choose the latter. Every time it comes back to bite her, and every time she does it again. Like the snake swallowing its own tail, she is trapped in a cycle, one she can not find it in herself to escape.