Chapter Text
You don't have to decide today.
You don't have to decide today.
You don't have to decide today.
Carmy kept repeating it in his head. Like a mantra. Like if he thought it enough, he would actually believe it.
"Is he sleep?" Sydney asked, cutting through his brain fog like only she could.
"Yeah." he replied, peeling his eyes away from Manny to meet her gaze.
"I won't ask if you're good." She said softly as she adjusted the towel wrapped around her body.
She walked over to the closet and pulled the doors open. It was a mess; Carmy's clothes spilled over to her side. Manny's things hung wherever there was room. She exhaled loudly as she reached for a graphic tee and a pair of grey joggers.
At least it kinda matched, she thought.
She pulled the joggers up her legs, careful not to let her towel fall. She looked over her shoulder, feeling relieved that Carmy had turned his focus to Manny again. She finally loosened the towel, letting it fall at her feet, so she could put on a sports bra and her shirt. She pulled her braids out of the bun and tossed the scrunchie on the nightstand.
"We seriously need to clean this place."
Carmy sighed, nodding his head in agreement. "Yeah, sorry-
"It's not just on you. We'll figure it out, maybe before he turns one." Sydney joked.
She didn't blame Carmy. The apartment had been just big enough for her when she moved it. Fitting Carmy in had been a stretch and now with a baby? The clutter was inevitable. Finding a bigger place needed to be something they did sooner rather than later. Sydney added it to her mental to do list.
"We could get under bed storage stuff?" He suggested, walking to the other side of the bedroom where she was.
"That's a good idea," She agreed. "I've been meaning to order some clothes for baby Bear. You know, since we know he's a he now. He can't wear white and yellow forever."
As she reached for her phone, thumb hovering over the Amazon app, the doorbell rang. She shoved it into her pocket and went towards it. Carmy grabbed the baby monitor and followed her. Emmanuel engulfed his daughter in his arms, swaying them both like he hadn't seen her a few days ago.
"Dad!" She giggled, hugging him back.
When they broke apart, he pulled Carmy into a tight embrace next. Carmy patted his back in return, genuinely happy to see him. Emmanuel picked up the bag he had sat down.
"Where is he?" He asked, looking around and walking into the apartment.
"Sleeping," Sydney said, "But don't worry, he'll be up again."
"You two look like you could use some sleep yourself. You gotta take turns," He suggested. "One of you take the night shift and the other the day shift. Teamwork kids."
"Well, we've been parents less than a week. I'd say we're doing okay." Sydney shrugged, taking the bag from her dad.
She looked to Carmy, but he was quiet, eyes looking like he was anywhere but here. She pushed the tissue paper aside and saw a book, a blanket and a couple pairs of pajamas.
"Thank you, Dad."
"Yeah, thanks Emmanuel," Carmy said, blinking like he was coming out of a trance. "We appreciate it."
He waved their gratitude away as he took a seat on the sofa. Sydney started to join him but tugged Carmy's hand, nodding towards the kitchen. "Give us a sec." She said, excusing them.
Emmanuel made himself at home as he turned the TV on, shuffling through apps to find something to watch.
"Okay," Sydney said, keeping her voice low enough so her dad couldn't eavesdrop. "What's up?"
"I need to see my mom, Syd." He blurted out before his nerves could get the better of him.
"Like today, like now?"
"Yeah," He nodded, running a hand through his hand. "Since your dad is here. He can help you with Manny, right? I wouldn't go otherwise."
"He came to see us too...it's kinda rude if you just run out."
"I'm sorry but I need to, Syd."
She looked at him, the wild desperation in his eyes. And she knew there was a storm already raging in his mind.
"Fine," she said, trying to keep her voice even and calm, like she wasn't annoyed that he'd pull this. Especially after she thought it was temporarily settled. "But, if it's going to fuck with your head. If you can't handle it, promise me you'll come back home?"
He frowned. "I want to be the guy you'd be proud of marrying. I don't want you thinking I can't handle my own shit. That I'm going to hide from my mom for the rest of my life."
"Hey, you don't have to prove anything to me or anyone else. I already said yes, remember?" She cupped his face with both hands and kissed the tip of his nose. "Promise me?"
"I promise." he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her close.
They stayed like that for a moment, like he was trying to hold on to it. To that peace, before he faced whatever awaited him when he was face to face with his mother. He lifted his head from her shoulder and kissed her cheek. They left the kitchen together. Sydney joined her dad on the couch, checking the monitor to make sure that Manny was still asleep.
"Emmanuel, it was good seeing you, but I need to run. I hope you're still here when I get back." Carmy said, feet heading towards the door.
The older man looked at his daughter, who was looking down at her phone. He got the feeling that he shouldn't ask where he was going. He just told him he'd see him later.
"Everything ok?" He asked once the door shut.
"He's going to see his mom. It's a long story and I don't have the energy to get into."
He put an arm around her, pulling her towards him. And she leaned into her father and his comfort.
Carmy called Natalie when he got in the car. It ranged twice before she picked up, her voice cautious on the other end as she answered.
"Bear, it was an honest-to-God mistake."
"Was it Sugar?"
"I was on the phone with mom, looking at the pictures you sent of Manny, and I showed Pete and well...y'know Pete. He said how cute Manny was and mom asked who Manny was and-well I didn't know how to lie about it. It was on the spot."
"So, you and your husband have a big ass mouth?"
"Hey!" Natalie raised her voice on the other end, "I apologize but don't be an asshole."
He rolled to a stop at the red light. "You're right. Ma texted me; she wants to meet him."
The panic in his voice was clear, causing the frustration to die down in his big sister. She had felt it too when the only one she could turn to was their mother when her water broke. The only thing scarier had been the thought of going to the hospital alone.
The sound of passing cars caught her ears. "Where are you?"
"In the car."
"Why? Are Syd and Manny with you?"
"No, her dad is visiting. I'm going to see her."
"Because she texted you? Carmy, I've called you and you've ignored me plenty of times. You never just come over here to have a chat instead."
"For a lot of reasons, Nat!" He yelled and then immediately felt guilty. "I'm sorry."
When she didn't respond, he kept going.
"Sh-she gave me this letter? At your house that day. Said I didn't have to read it if I didn't want to. Did she do that with you?"
"The first time I invited her over for dinner. She pulled out this paper when we were done. Sophie was sleep and Pete was washing dishes. She just started reading it. Then she was bawling, Carm. I didn't know what to do. Hug her? Tell her it was okay? I was frozen. Next thing I know, I'm crying too."
"Wow," was all Carmy could say. "Then what?"
"I don't even remember. We cried and then she left. She's been going to therapy since Mikey. I can't say she's a new person, but I think she's trying. I want to hope it's real."
Trying. Sydney had said the same thing.
"You were always the hopeful one." He said, not in a judgmental way. Just factually.
She laughed but he could hear a sniffle too. He didn't want to call her out on it.
"I'm glad you uh-you had that with her, Nat. Really, I am."
"If you're going to see her, Carm. Hear her out, ok? I'm not saying to forgive her or anything but listen."
"Yeah," he agreed. "I think I can do that."
He let her go and drove to his old childhood home in silence. His thoughts louder than any music the radio could play.
When he parked, he sat in the car for a few minutes and tried to make sense of his thoughts. What would he say? How would he say things? Would she care, would she understand? He killed the engine and got out at last. His footsteps were heavy but slow, like his body didn't want him to go inside. After walking up the stairs, he just inspected the white door. The spots where the paint was chipping. The doorknocker that was aging.
He knocked slowly, forcing breath into his lungs. Trying to fight the urge to run down the stairs and take off before his mother could make it to the door. It felt like it took her forever to open it.
She looked just as thrown off as he felt but she tried to mask it with a smile.
"Carm...Carmen, what a pleasant surprise." She said, looking around like he couldn't possibly be alone.
He caught the disappointment when it dawned on her that it was indeed just him.
"Is Sydney and the baby at home?"
We're getting straight to it then, he thought to himself as he stepped inside when she pushed the door open further and stood out of the way.
"Yeah." And you might never see her again or ever meet my kid he added in his head. "It's okay if we sit?" He asked.
"Of course, of course," she led them into the dining room. Like she was purposely avoiding staying near the living room. He wondered if she still had photos of them up. If she looked at Mikey's face every day or if she had taken them down.
She pulled out a chair. He did the same, sitting in the one next to her but pushing it back to give himself some space. In the center of the table, there was an ashtray with a cigarette that had been freshly stubbed out. The familiar scent was tempting, only adding to his already brewing anxiety. But he wouldn't give in. He had been strong this long and he wasn't going back home with the taste of cigarette on his tongue.
He ran a hand over his jeans, working up the urge to open his mouth.
"Manny, is it? Natalie told me. I-I hope that's okay. I don't know if I was meant to know."
"Syd named him after her dad. Emmanuel."
"Oh," her face fell like she expected his kid to be named after someone in their family. "That's nice."
He couldn't tell if she meant that or not, but he didn't press her on it. "It is. He's really great."
"You never replied to my message. I thought I did something wrong by asking to see him."
She didn't apologize. She didn't even bother to sound apologetic. He met her eyes, refusing to back down. This was it. This is why he was here, right?
"It's why I'm here. You know ma, I wish you didn't ask."
Her eyes grew wide at his words. At his honesty. She looked down at her pack of cigarettes on the table and reached for them like they were a lifeline.
"I quit so I'd appreciate it if you didn't light up right now. I won't be here long."
She pulled her hand back, her nails tapping lightly against the table instead.
"Thank you," he replied. "I'm not trying to be the bad guy here. And this isn't Sydney. It's all me."
She nodded, still not turning to face him. "I understand. You don't want me to meet him."
"It's not that...it's- you know how it felt to live here, right? To grow up always walking on eggshells? The yelling, the drinking."
"Carmen, I've changed." She said, her words coming out shakily, "I know it might be hard to believe but I have."
"Have you, ma?" He asked sharply, his nostrils flaring. "You didn't even acknowledge what I said, just turned it back to you. Like you always do."
"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I did hear you. I heard you. If you could just give me a chance, just one, Carmen, then I could show you. I'm not the same person I was."
He didn't believe her. His mind drifted back to when he was younger. When it would get so bad and so loud that he would sneak in Nat or Mikey's room to hide from it all. Natalie would try to distract him by putting a pencil and paper in front of him. Mikey would turn on music, literally trying to drown it all out. They were the ones who kept him safe as best as they could. It was never Donna. Never their dad either, before he left and never came back. Before he was just a faceless voice in Carmy's memory.
"Please," Donna pleaded. "I'll do whatever will make you feel comfortable. I've lost one child, and it kills me," she stopped for a moment, voice cracking as she thought about her eldest child. "It breaks my heart that you're here but so far away. You're my baby, Bear. I know I failed you but-
"Stop!" He yelled, jumping to his feet.
He paced back and forth, lost in his own head. His mind tugged him between his past pain and present fear. The familiar tightness in his chest caused his feet to lock in place.
Breathe, he begged his body. He beat his fist against his chest. Fucking breathe.
Donna was on her feet, and he was in her arms before he could push her away. He shook, trying to cycle through his panic attack. For once, his mother comforted him. For once, she offered peace instead of harm. The little boy in him took over and he lifted his arms, holding onto her for dear life. His tears fell freely now. Donna was the rock that he never knew she was capable of being. Rubbing his back, holding him close. Whispers of love fell from her lips.
When he settled down and his lungs allowed him to breathe once more. He dropped his arms but didn't step out of his mother's touch. She pressed a kiss into his hair before she slowly took a step back.
"It's okay," she said softly.
"You broke me, ma," he confessed, all fight gone from his voice. All that remained was a raw, ugly sadness. "You broke us."
"I know," she whispered. "I just want the chance to help put you back together. To get to know you and if I'm lucky, then maybe I can watch Manny grow up too."
"I won't let you hurt him. Like you did me. I won't."
"I won't let myself hurt him or you ever again." She promised.
He looked up at her. Like Nat, there was a bubble of hope within him now. A bubble that he desperately wanted to stay whole.
"You can't meet him," he told her. "Not yet. But you can see a picture of him."
Donna nodded, a smile forming on her face at his peace offering. He wiped his face with the back of his hand and took his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked it and opened his photo app and passed it to her, allowing her to shuffle through the latest images. Something like joy twinkled in her eyes. He had to admit that it made him feel lighter too.
"Can you send this one to me?" she asked hesitantly, like she was still afraid of his rejection.
It was of them at the hospital. Sydney was holding Manny against her chest, Carmy's hand over the back of hers and he was leaning over them. With nothing but love in his eyes. Nat had taken it.
"Yeah," he agreed, taking the phone back and texting it to her.
"Thank you," she thanked him like he had given her a box of precious jewels. To her, the image was priceless.
She walked him to the door. She watched him get into his car. She didn't go back inside until he had taken off and was no longer in her sight. When she shut the door behind her, she unlocked her phone and looked down at the picture. She vowed to cherish this picture until Carmy finally granted her the opportunity to meet her youngest grandchild.