Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The sun was scorching hot, I have been sweating for over 3 hours straight. This heat CANNOT be healthy... This was so weird because for the few days before this, it was basically storming. Now it's heat that is trying to practically melt us now? I was about to pass out.

I reached to grab the window handle to let some air in, I almost fell down, until, Felix grabbed onto my waist and pulled me closer towards him. "Chrissy you need to be a bit more careful! I aint always gonna be here to save your clumsy ass." He cried playfully but in a teasing way.

"Felix it is way too hot to be this close up exchanging body heat." I groaned. "Not my choice that your wearing long sleeves in a heat wave." He teased.

My heart started throbbing, feeling like he was catching onto my old, disgusting arms... This cannot happen again. Just smile and play it off... Don't overthink it. "I already told you, they are sooo much more comfortable than short sleeves."

What am I even saying.

Hes going to catch on.

Hes gonna hate you, leave you and go tell the others and then they are gonna le-

"CHRISTINE!" Felix shouted in an annoyed tone.

I snapped out of my 'starring at the floor panicking thing. "Oh my god, I am so sorry Fee, I zoned out an-" I said in a panicked tone of voice, until Felix interrupted, "Hey, it's okay, I didn't mean to shout at you, I was just trying to get your attention, Nicky messaged the group chat."

Shit. I made a fool of myself by panicking.

"They wanna know if we all wanna go swimming tomorrow afternoon, since no one works Fridays, Emily and Catherine already agreed. Do you want to go?" He asked me a question I was NOT ready for. SWIMMING?! Oh my god. I can't be spiraling right now. Just answer the question.

"Uhh yeahhh.. Sure."

Why the fuck did I just say that. I can't let them see it. What would they think, how would they rea-

"Are you sure? You seem a bit worried.. Or anxious about it."

Shit shit shit shit shit...

"I will come but I might not be swimming I'll just stay in the cafe or somethin'" Yep. Good excuse. Good plan.

"Oh come onnnnnn! Why nottt?" He cried, teasing me.

Okay. Panic mode on I guess.

"I- Uhh- I- I just don't like swimming that much to be hone-" I was interrupted by me collapsing to the ground again due to the heat.

"Chris!" He cried. "Are you okay?"

Owww... My head hurts now. "Ugh... Yeah I- I'm fine."

"Come on Chris, stop scaring me like that" He teased again. "Sorry." I apologized.

"What's that?" He asked.

...

Panic struck. What the fuck did he see. You can't see any scars or cuts... What the fuck did he see..?

"Uh- What's... What's what?"

"That!" He points to my phone wallpaper.

It's us. On our first abroad trip together to Blackpool in England.. We were on a rollercoaster and I had snuck a picture, I decided to put it up as my wallpaper because I thought it was cute. "Oh. That, I- I can change it if u want me t-"

He fell down onto his knees infront of me and hugged me.

Wow, Felix? Hugging? ME?

I hugged back immediately. This is the most affection he has ever had towards me. It felt so comforting being this close up to him. "I'm guessing that you dont want me to change it, or this is reverse psychology.."

"Don't change it." He mumbled crawling further into my arms.

"I won't, Fee." I murmured. As hot as it already was, I'm heating up even faster while in this very long but nice hug, I never want to let go of him.

His phone buzzed, I reached out for it and passed it to him.

"Nicky: What fucking time are u gon' be here? It's been 20 mins since u were supposed to be here"

He was meant to meet up with Nicky at the tattoo shop they're opening, for Fee's piercing practice. "Shit, I have to go Chrissy, I was supposed to be at Nicks shop 20 minutes ago." He groaned.

"Oh yeah I forgot about that. Well see you later Fee!"

"See you."

As soon as I heard the door shut, the apartment went silent. All that heard was the kitchen fan and the cars from the city driving past.

I realized I was alone, I got up and put a short sleeve top on and went into the bathroom. Where, in which I thought, no one would barge into.

I walked slowly up to the mirror and starred.

God. I hate this body more than I hated Pomni. Where I couldn't see any scars, cuts or anything.

I rubbed my thumb up and down my arm, finding the lumpy feeling of cuts, weirdly comforting. But god. I needed that hug off Felix.

I turned a little and slowly slid down the wall. As I turned my head towards the bathroom door. There was Felix.

Chapter Text

"What's that." He mumbled.

Oh my fucking god. Was he there the whole time?

"I- Uh- I'm... Sorry." I felt my eyes starting to water and I looked down at my arm and tried to hide it as if he only just walked here.

He sat down on his knees beside me. "Show me please."

I handed him my left arm and turned my head away looking at the wall. I tilted my head slightly up as I felt tears running down my cheeks, hoping looking up would help.

"Why?"

I looked at him. "Why- why what..?"

"This." He rubbed his thumb over my disgusting arm. "Why?" He asked again.

"I- Uh. I don't. I don't know." My head fell into my knees and I curled up on the floor mentally breaking down.

"Hey. I'm not mad. Sit up. Come here." He hugged me and picked me up to take me to the couch.

"I don't know, Fee. It was a mistake I'm really sorry. It's not your fault, it's mi-" He shushed me with a kiss on the lips and pulled me tightly into his arms, resting his chin on my head. "It's not your fault Christine."

He used my full first name. Not a nickname like 'Chris' or 'Chrissy' or even 'pom'. Just Christine.

He pulled away for a second to grab his phone and grabbed me with one arm again to pull me in. He was texting Nicky.

"Felix: I can't come up for practice something came up."

He put his phone down and wrapped his other arm around me, moving my hair out of my face. "You can cry Chrissy. Don't hold it in, I'm not mad or disgusted. I'm here for you."

A moment of silence.

Fees phone buzzed. It was Nicky again.

"Nicky: Ffs Felix. You better be here after swimming on Friday."

Shit I completely forgot about swimming. What the fuck do I do? "Is this why you didn't want to swim?" He asked in a weirdly calm tone. "Yeah."

"We don't have to go Chris." Fees voice sounds so calming and I love it. "I- I don't want them to know. What would they think? I feel like I'm just seeking attention." I started to sob and sniffling loudly.

"Chris. Your body isn't paper. Doing this to yourself is not attention seeking." He replied and I could not get my words out. "I-I know. And, and Im sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Do you still do this? And when was the last time you did?" I thought for a few seconds. Do I tell him the truth? Do I lie to his face? "Two days ago." I answered a few seconds later.

Shit. I fucked up.

He leaned back just enough to see my face. Kissed my forehead and pulled me in tight. I was sobbing into his chest and wrapped my self around him.

10 minutes had passed.

"I'm so sorry." I finally managed to get out after sniffling and sobbing for 10 minutes in his arms. "I love you so much and I didn't me-" I was interrupted by Felix shouting my name.

"CHRISTINE WAKE THE FUCK UP."

I was on the floor next to the window in the living room. I was sweating like fuck. Shit. The heatwave must had knocked me out.

"Right, I'm awake. Sorry." I mumbled rubbing me head, it hurt so bad.

"I have been shouting you for the past 15 minutes, what the fuck happened? I was only gone for 20 minutes." He sounded angry, but his face gave the look of 'worried'. My heart began to race faster than a cheetah, why? No clue. "I- Uh. Sorry, I think I just passed out not long after you left. My head hurts like fuck."

"Why are you apologizing? And, yeah, you definitely hit your head. There's a bruise on the side of your head. Seriously though, are you okay?" He moved my hair out of the way with his hand rubbing against my skin, he took a quick look at the bruise.

"Yeah I'm good." I mumbled. "Just, my head hurts a little."

"Do you know what happened? Or do you just not remember?"

I starred for a moment and snapped out of it. "Uh. The heat must've knocked me out I guess."

Felix starred at me for a moment. He finally replied "Oh. Sorry I wasn't here." What?

"What?" I replied confused.

"What.." He also replied confused.

We both started to giggle. He is the most random person I have ever met. After a few hours of chatting and laughing, we fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Ugh. This couch is getting so uncomfortable to sleep on. It's been like 3 months. But, it's Friday. Today I'm taking Christine out to an abandoned school I discovered with Nicky a few days ago when we were out on a drive to their apartment for some practice. 

She did say she liked to go explore abandoned buildings. Thought I'd just take her since she hasn't been in a while. I should get up and make breakfast though. So I got up and headed to the kitchen, for some reason it looked way cleaner than usual. Weird. I turned to my right. Christine? Wow, she's up way earlier than she usually is. 

"Errr, hey what ya doing up so early? Not like you." I stood for a moment besides her leaning on the counter. 

"I don't really know. Just felt like it I guess." She replied back after she froze and starred at her phone for a moment before swinging her legs around to the front of the counter. "Y'know I spent an hour and a half tidying this fuck-ass kitchen."

"Wow, look at you. Did you not get bored or....?" I patiently waited for an answer. She took a deep breath in, rested the back of her head on the counter. Swung her legs back onto the counter and pushed her head into her knees. "Chrissy, you good?"

Silence.

"Hello?" Is she okay.? 

She wiped her face clean. I put my hand on her shoulder and turned myself to see her face buried in her knees. "Chris, what's up? Talk to me." I wrapped my arm around her and leaned into my chest sniffling. I gave her time, she needed it. 

"I was going to take you somewhere today. You still wanna go?" I asked after a few seconds of letting her sob.

"Yeah, sure." She sighed and pulled back, swung her legs back around and she jumped off of the counter. She walked off to the bathroom wiping her face, she looked as if she was still crying but I have no idea.

I wonder what she was so upset about. Did I say something?

"Hey we aren't going out until 7. Come sit on the couch." I shoved the blanket to aside and sat down. She came to the couch, but sat far away from me.

"What? You hate me or something?" I held out my arm for her to hug me, she starred for a second, then quickly shoved herself into me. "Alright what's up Chrissy?"

"I don't know." She sobbed in my arms for a few seconds, "I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be sorry. You don't need to apologise for anything."

And, she started to sob even more.

After it had been a few minutes, the doorbell rang. 

Shit. 

I forgot to tell Chris that Nicky and Emily were coming up. "One second."

She let go of me curling up into a blanket, I rushed towards the door, opened it, stood outside the door with Nick and Em. I shut the door behind me. Nicky gave me a confused look. Emily, gestured towards the door.

"She's upset." I waved my hand at Nick. "And, I may have forgot to tell her you guys were coming up."

Emily tilted her head.

Nicky scream-whispered "Felix!"

"Alright sorry, she's really upset right now, she probably doesn't want anyone seeing her like this." 

Nicky opened their mouth, pointing at my face. They paused and their finger fell down to the wet patch on my shirt.

Emily looked down and it and her eyes drifted towards Nick. "I guess he isn't lying. She must be reallyyyyyyy, upset."

Nicky looked back at her and shrugged their shoulders. "Well when can we come in, because we came here for a re-" They were interrupted by Christine opening the door slowly.

"Thank you Fee. You guys can come in." Tear burns all down her face. She looked up and slowly inhaled as Nick and Em walk passed. I reached out my arm to offer a hug. She refused and waved it off. I gave the 'sorry' look. 

It'd been a few hours, Christine has been a lot better since their arrival. I'd stayed quite most of the time sat in the kitchen, doom-scrolling. Nick and Em left at around quarter past six. 

I walked past the living room starring down at my phone. "Felix!" Christine half shouted. 

I looked up at my right, Christine hanging on the back of the couch.

"Yeah?" 

"Come sit!" 

She seemed oddly happy. Or happier. With them.

"Err, alright." I walked slowly towards the couch turning off my phone and sliding it into my pocket. "What's up?"

"Where were you? You needed to see the shiiiiiiiitt they were saying when they were drunk last night." She started to giggle a little, cute. "Ugh, they are two funny good-kind of weirdos, ohh like they both saw two cats meowing and they joined in and the cats got like really mad and got louder. Oh my god, it was soooo funny." She was just waffling, I tried my best to listen but I was overthinking about something so off-topic, is she hiding something under her long sleeved shirts? Does she even think of happiness when it's just us or what? I swear I did something wrong, I just can't think of what. Yet.

"Felix?"

Oh shit. How long has it been?

"Are you alright?"

I felt a tear on my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. "Oh, yeah." She wiped away another few tears on my cheek. "No need to lie Fee. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine, I was just-" I paused for a sec. My tone softened. "Thinking." She looked at me and tilted her head. 

"About?" I shrugged my shoulders and took a breath in, I hesitated. 

"I- I just feel like- Nevermind. It's stupid." I looked away at the wall and turned to lean on the couch.

"Fee y'know you can talk to me. Nothings stupid." She grabbed my shoulder and sat on the back of the couch, looking up at me. I could feel it. I could see her in the corner of my eye. "C'monnnnn, talk to me Feeee.."

I took a deep breath. "I- I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I feel like I'm just here because I need it, not because you want me to. Whenever anyone else is over, it seems like you just have more fun with them, like your getting bored of me and yeah I've been a dick in the past but I want to change that. I wanna know what it's like to have..." I took a breath and paused. "Friends. Y'know, that won't leave me. Or I think won't leave me. And right now? I can't let you go. You're my best friend. Even if I'm not yours. You mean the world to me and I can't have you leave now. Not ever. I need you Christine. You will never understand how much you mean to me." 

I have never poured my heart out this much.

She sat there, stunned. Eyes wide. Mouth slightly open. "I'm so proud of you Fee."

...

"No your not." 

"Uh-huh. Want me to prove it?"

"Prove it."

She grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me down. She kissed me. Woah. "Did that prove it?"

"Yeah..." I could not move. It felt like I was stuck in place. 

"You mean the world to me too Fee. I'm genuinely sorry I made you feel that way. I'm sorry for," She lifted her hand up and down. "That." Three apologies?

"Why'd you give me three apologies?" 

"I'm pretty sure I only gave you two." 

"The kiss? Also the last apology wasn't needed." I felt a small smile creep up my face. I love this woman so much.

After like 30 minutes we decided to head off to the abandoned building. "Feeeeee, where are we goinggg?" Christine cried impatiently.

"Well, sorry Miss impatient, but you're gonna have to wait." I shrugged my shoulders and pulled up into the car park. "Wait one second."

I grabbed two torches. Walked over to Christine's door and pulled it open for her. "C'mon we're here."  She lifted herself out of the car and starred for a second. "You're literally the best."

The school was covered in graffiti, still colours poking out behind all the paint. Round the top of the building there was small gold and white shiny pillars leading up to the roof. The automatic door wasn't working, obviously. We went round the school towards the back, climbed up a staircase to a staff only door. Locked. There was a clean broken window at the top. "Lift me" Christine commanded. I lifted her up and the went round the door, unlocked it and opened up the door for me. "Boom, done." Turns out this had been a janitors room. We both walked through the room and took a small glance at everything in here. When we reached the door that was around a corner, it was already opened. It wasn't too dark, sun rays from the sunset creep in. The rays hit the cafeteria perfectly, making the tall, gold pillars shine. We walked down a small spiral stairwell, down to an art classroom. It had loads of old, unfinished class work. It looked like the school had gone through a shooting, years ago. The walls filled in gun shots, blood stains along the floor. It was so pretty, however the graffiti half-ruined it. We went exploring around the corridors, peeking into classrooms, laughing at some old, weirdly-looking art on walls, tables, whiteboards, ect. In one corridor, there were some boarders, with a clear plastic cover over it, filled with distorted, monochromatic art, labeled "Test Works." Once we looked through all of the bottom floor corridors, we headed up to the second floor. Up the spiral staircase, was a balcony, it showed all of the other half of the school, the cafeteria and above us, was the third and second floor.

Christine brushed her fingers across the golden railing and froze in the middle of the long corridor and flopped herself over the railing and pulled herself back up. I stood next to her and leaned my elbow onto the railing, resting my head on my hand.

"Sorry for bawling my eyes out earlier." Christine didn't look at me, she just stared down at the cafeteria. "I guess I kind of knew I was making you feel the way you do. I realised, some of my old bad habits, were still clinging onto me. Even after the few months I'd spent in the circus. But it probably made them, worse." I looked down at the cafeteria with her. A few seconds later, I lifted my head up to her, and our eyes met.

"Like, what kind of habits?" After I questioned her, her eyes grew wide. The kind of look, that looked like she wasn't ready for that kind of conversation yet. "I mean you don't have to tell me, really I don't mind." She shook her head off and her eyes looked like they were watering. She looked up at the ceiling windows staring at the orange-pink sky.

"Uhh- I don't really know.." She flopped herself over the railing again. I heard a small creak, but I ignored it. "Um. Like-" All emotions went down. The railing started to fall, I quickly stood back, forgetting about Christine for a moment, she slipped before she could step away. She let out a small scream.

"Christine!" I grabbed her wrist and she let go of me instantly as if something had startled her. I ran towards the nearest staircase and rushed down to Christine, she blacked out on her side. I kneed down next to her, picked up her head with one hand and pulled out my phone with my other while shaking and quickly called the ambulance.

After a few minutes had passed after arriving at the hospital, I fell asleep on a chair next to Christine on the hospital bed. I was so worried that she wouldn't wake up, like she'd be in a coma. Or even something worse... It could have been possible, we were quite high up. However, I knew she didn't die on me or anything because her pulse was going at a normal rate. After a few hours of being asleep, I heard Christine calling my name quietly. "Felix?" My eyes opened quickly and I turned to my left and saw Christine looking at me with sleepy but hurt eyes.

"Hey... How- How ya doing?" I gave her time to process everything that happened.

"My arm really hurts. And my leg."

"Which ones?" She stared for a moment. She froze in her place and her eyes wide.

"Both left." I pushed my chair closer to the bed and pushed my hand under Christine's hand. She grabbed my hand back. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you later when you're in a better condition than you are now."

She stared at me for a few moments, then turned to stare at the ceiling. After a few minutes of silence, Christine fell asleep. The doctor came in and called me out to talk to me. "Felix, could we talk to you outside please?"

"Uhm, sure." I slowly slid my hand out from under Christine's hand, trying my best not to wake her up. And as I walked out looking back at Christine, the doctor closed the door shut behind me. "What's up?"

"It's about Christine." As soon as I heard her name, my heart started to race, my whole face expression changed and my eyes were wide. "Don't worry her and talk to her about it now, wait for a moment where she's in better condition, but when we where getting her into the hospital's clothing, she has scars and a few fresh cuts, all up her arm. Her left." I felt like I needed to cry. I felt my face lose colour. "Felix, I know it's hard. But please, try to stay calm and don't stress over it. Let her process everything and then talk about it. Don't be mad about it."

"Alright." I replied with no emotion. Well, trying not to show emotion. I walked back into the room, acting calm and sat down, sliding my hand back under Christine's hand.

While Christine was asleep, the Nurse did an x-ray on her arm and leg. Finding out that her arm was fractured and her ankle was broken. After around an hour and a half passed, Christine woke up and it was time to put on the sling and boot on. I carried her onto the wheelchair and the nurse pushed her to another part of the room with a big x-ray inside. Whilst they were putting the sling onto her arm she was clenching onto my hand. Same for the boot. After all that had been done, they gave Christine crutches and after she learnt how to use them, we went out to the car to drive back.

"How're you feeling?" I looked at her. She didn't even bother to take a quick glance at me.

"Shit. Everything hurts." She lent back in the seat. And stared at the night sky. "I just want some rest."

"Yeah. I'll get you home. We'll eat and then you can get sleep." She sighed, and nodded her head. She rested her head on her shoulder, staring out of the window.

On the way home, my heart was throbbing in my chest, it felt like it was pushing my ribs out. I wanted to cry the whole way home.

When we arrived at the apartment car park, I offered to carry Christine because the elevator was out of order. "Want me to carry you up?"

"Please." I picked her up as carefully as I possibly could and walked slowly up the stairs.

"Alright, what do you want to eat?" I asked as soon as we got into the apartment.

Around an hour later of talking, cooking and eating we decided to chat for a bit on the couch before going to bed. I felt like this was the time to bring up her arm. "Hey Chrissy?" She turned quickly to look at me with her soft eyes.

"What's up?" She rested her head on the back of the couch, patiently waiting for an answer.

"The doctors pulled me out of the room for a moment to talk to me while you were asleep." I held on strong, holding back the tears of guilt. "They- They saw your arm. And told me about it." Christine's eyes widened. Her whole expression changed. "Wait, wait. I'm not mad or anything. I just wanna know why. I'm not asking you to show me anything."

"You want to know the truth?" She looked back at the TV.

"Please don't lie to me."

"This morning, why I was crying, is because after I cleaned the kitchen, I stared at myself in the mirror. I want to change every little detail about my appearance. My stomach, my lips, my eyes, my nose, my skin. God. Even my weight. I hate the way I look, Felix. I hate myself. I hate talking about this shit. About myself. About why I cry myself to sleep every night. About why I cut through my skin as if it's paper. When I mentioned bad habits before the fall. I mean that's one of them I still do. So, no it's not your fault Felix. It's all my fault. That's why I fucking hate myself. It's become an addiction. I have physical and mental reactions when I try to stay clean. I try so, so, so fucking hard for you. But it isn't just "oh stop for me." or "just throw away your blade." It's a serious fucking thing." She sighed and tears started to run down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"Wow. Chrissy. I'm actually so sorry. Come here." I pulled her in carefully and hugged her lightly while she sobbed in my arms. I needed this, and so did she. She needed it more. Way more than I ever will.

Later on, she fell asleep crying, so I carried her to her bed.

Now I seem to wonder. Do blades really feel that good to be covered with scars from it?

Chapter Text

The morning air was cool enough to taste, slipping through the open balcony door like a whispered secret. It carried the scent of cut grass and distant rain, the kind of summer morning that feels like a promise before the world remembered to burn.

At 5:30 in the morning Felix and I sat out on the balcony before the heat rose. We sat and chatted for half an hour, telling stupid stories and laughing at old photos and videos of each other when we were younger.

We sat, lent against the wall, shoulders nearly touching, knees drawn up to our chest. The wooden planks beneath us were warm but not yet scorching, the kind of warmth that sleeps slowly, like sunlight through closed eyelids. A half-empty bottle of lemonade sweated condensation onto the ground beside Felix, condensation that would soon evaporate into nothing, just like the way time had a habit of slipping through our fingers when they weren't looking.

"Remember, last summer, when we used to come out here just before the heat got bad?" I asked, my voice was soft but not sad. Just... remembering.

Felix nodded, tilting his head back to rest on the wall and letting the sun kiss his face. "Yeah. Y'know, before everything got... loud?"

I nodded back reassuringly. A pause. The kind of pause that isn't empty, but full of all the things we didn't need to say. The way the world used to be simpler. The way we used to be simpler. We left the circus, what? Almost a year and a quarter ago? We still didn't know quite everything about each other.

Somewhere in the distance, a bird called out, sharp and clear against the hum of the morning. The screen door creaked beside us, though no one came out. It was just us, the balcony, and the quiet before the day had a chance to decide what it wanted to be.

"Hey," Felix called out to me resting his chin on his shoulder gazing at me with soft eyes. "Not to be... A creep or anything, but, what happened before you ended up in the circus?" I flinched at the words he spat out at me, i felt my face loose colour as I turned to look at him. He looked guilty. Like he had said the wrong thing. "I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if you want to."

"No, no. I can tell you. It's a really messy story you're asking for though." I huffed a nervous laugh, that wasn't really a laugh it was just so I could reassure him that he hadn't said anything wrong. I sighed slowly and turned to look at the warm, wooden floor as I started to fidget with my fingers. Felix turned so that his side was lent against the wall to properly look and watch my every movement. "Around 3 and a half years ago now, I went out. It was Easter morning and I was going to meet my sister's kids, my niece's. It was a really cold morning and I wanted to grab them some Easter Eggs, they loved them. I only went to a small shop around the corner from their house. After I bought them, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend from high school. He stank of cigarettes and alcohol. He turned to take a glance at me and tapped my shoulder. He startled me a little and lazily let out a drunk laugh and half shouted "Heyyyy, Christine, that you?! God it's been a while since I've seen ya!" I waved and let out a small "Yeah. Good to see you" as I turned to look at him. He was an absolute mess, cuts and bruises all over his face and neck. He was wearing a black t-shirt with ripped cuffs and black baggy jeans. A long, raised scar down his right arm and a few hashtag tattoos down his left. I started to walk off, but he followed me. I knew he was drunk, I could smell the alcohol in his breath when he talked to me, I thought that he would eventually stop following me but, no, he didn't. I took a turn down an alley, it was the only route to my sisters house that I knew of. It was a coincidence that I was on the alley he lived on. He shouted out to me "Hey! Chris!" I turned to look at him. "Why don't you come in for a little while, have a coffee?" I waved him off and shouted back to him standing by his back gate, "No thanks, I have somewhere to be." He didn't give one shit. He ran up to me and grabbed my wrist."

I took a deep breath, fighting tears back as if I was in the war. "He took me to the living room, pushed me down onto a half broken blue couch and he sat close next to me. "We should play a game. A game of guessing. If you guess it right, you get a reward." He called out proudly and had a long, ugly grin on his beaten face. "Pick a number from 1-10" He said huffing a breathless laugh at the end. I chose 8. Worst decision of my life." I paused for a few moments.

"Why...?" Felix let out after a few seconds, he looked worried but tried to play it off.

"I don't wanna go into too much detail, I'm not ready for that yet. But, he raped me." My face lost its colour and my voice was shaky, clearly trying my hardest to hold back tears. Felix's eyes grew wide as i turned to look at him, I could tell he noticed my glossy eyes and my pale face. He held out an arm offering a hug. I stared for a few seconds. Then pushed myself into him putting the palm of my hands in my face. I was so embarrassed to speak out loud about it.

"I'm so sorry Chris." He let out a small sigh of relief as if he was waiting for that hug his whole life.

"Afterwards, I walked out crying. Wiping my stupid tears as I walked down the street as he waved me off with a big smile across his face. I ended up going home instead of going to my sisters. I felt like it was all my fault. Like I encouraged him into doing it." I felt a tear run down my cheek, I wiped it away hoping that Felix didn't notice. "A few weeks after all that, I got stuck in the headset."

"Hey, it was not your fault. Don't ever think that. If you ever see him again, call me, text me, shout to me, anything." He wiped away some tears on my face, pulled me in closer as my face met his cheek. "I'm here for you Christine. I'm not just here because I need it. But because I couldn't imagine a life without you in it." I buried my face deep into his chest and sobbed. His words felt so reassuring, it made my heart melt.

"Thank you... I never realised how much I needed you," He pulled back to look at me, our eyes locked. His soft, amber eyes, they held so much emotion in them. "really. I mean it Fee." Felix lifted his hand to my cheek moving a hair behind my ear and slowly brushed his hand down to my neck and pulled me into a kiss. His lips were cold, but not the bad type of cold, like the refreshing kind of cold. I let my eyes close and I melted into the kiss, smiling against his mouth. The sun was just about peeking out behind two buildings that both met at the height of our apartment. Shining a bright warm light between us. I pulled back and looked him deep in his eyes, as I quickly fell into him and wrapped my arms around his neck, he flinched. After a moment he wrapped him around me as if he was protecting me from anything bad in this world. We sat there and cuddled for a little in the cold, breezy air.

After a while, we decided to go back into the living room and Felix went to make us something to eat. The smell of sizzling bacon and buttery eggs drifted into the living room, wrapping around me like a warm, comforting blanket. As I exhaled, I relaxed my shoulders and curled up deeper into the couch. The TV's glow flickered across the room, casting soft shadows on the walls, but my attention wasn't on the screen. It was on Felix, humming to himself in the kitchen, the click of pans and the occasional rustle of the spatula punctuating the quiet morning.

I loved this part of our 'routine'. The way he moved with effortless confidence, flipping the eggs just as I liked them. Runny yolks would burst with the first cut of the fork. The bacon, crispy at the edges but still tender enough to melt in my mouth. It was stupid, maybe, how such a simple thing could feel like a hug for my soul.

I felt a smile tug at my lips as I heard Felix whistling under his breath, the tune just barely audible over the clatter. I wondered if he actually knew how much this small act of care meant to me. How it made my chest tighten with something I couldn't quite name, gratitude, maybe, or affection. Or both. Who knows?

The TV droned on, some reality show I wasn't really watching, but I didn't care. At all. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Right here, in this moment, with Felix cooking for me everyday we spent together.

The first golden rays of sunrise spilled through the balcony door, painting stripes of light across the floor. I barely noticed. My eyes, glued onto the TV, though I wasn't really watching. The smell of bacon and eggs still lingered in the air, mingling with the faintest hint of coffee from before we sat out on the balcony.

Then, the floor boards creaked with slow footsteps.

Felix stepped into the living room, balancing two plates in this hands. His dark brown hair was the intentional kind of messy style he liked. The warm, orange sun light caught the edges of the plates, making the food look even more delicious.

"Breakfast is served," he announced, grinning as he crossed the room his voice was rough from sleep, but warm, like the sun just beginning to peek over the rooftops outside.

My breath hitched. I hadn't heard him plating the food, let alone walking in. One look at the plates told me he'd remembered everything, my eggs with the yolk still runny, hid own slightly firmer, the bacon arranged in neat piles beside buttery toast. A sprinkle of salt and pepper on the side, just how I liked it.

I sat up straighter, my heart doing that stupid little flip it always did when he did things like this. Small things. Thoughtful things.

Felix plopped down beside me, handing me a plate. "Thought we could eat together," he said, nudging my shoulder with his "before the world wakes up. Y'know, since you're always up at like 8 in the morning."

"That's because I go to work at 9 and leave at 5. It's not fun reading words and putting files into other files for 9 hours a day." I nudged him back.

I took the plate from his hand, my fingers brushing against his for a split second. The food smelled incredible, but I couldn't look away from him. From the way the sunlight caught the stubble on his jaw, or how his eyes crinkled at the corners whenever he smiled.

"Thanks," I murmured, suddenly aware of how quiet it was. How perfect.

The morning sun filtered through the window, slowly baking the small living room as the savory smell of bacon and eggs began to turn heavy and suffocating in the rising heat. I was sitting cross-legged on the couch beside Felix, the empty plates between them felt like a minefield I had barely managed to cross.

I had given him pieces of my past, just enough to satisfy his questions, enough to make him smile, but the heaviest truth remained lodged like glass in my throat. I couldn't bring myself to confess that before we shared trauma in the circus together, I had intentionally hurt myself simply because I believed I deserved the pain.

I caught myself staring at his profile in the bright, unforgiving daylight, a cold terror gripped my chest. I knew that if I let that final, broken piece of my identity slip out, the warmth in his eyes would vanish, he would see me as entirely unfix-able, and he would pack his bags and leave me behind all over again. That thought terrified me.

I swallowed hard, my throat tight against the sudden spike of heat in the room. I shifted on the curtains, intentionally closing the small physical gap between us until my shoulder brushed his, anchoring myself to his solid, familiar presence. I took a slow, deliberate breath, letting my hands rest flat on my knees to stop them from shaking, while mentally replaying the words I had rehearsed a thousand times in the dark. Staring at my own intertwined fingers, I cleared the nervous gravel from my throat and prepared to shatter the fragile peace of our morning. 

Felix's amber eyes narrowed slightly as he caught the sudden stiffness in my posture, turning his full attention to me. "Are you alright?" he asked, his voice soft but perceptive.

I forced a fragile nod and whispered, "Yes," the lie tasted like ash in my mouth before I quickly hurried past it, desperate to speak before my courage failed. "I was thinking about Easter day." I started, my voice sounding detached, as if I were narrating someone else's life.

I told him about "The drive home in my car, was long and suffocating. My tears blurring the windshield after my ex-boyfriend raped me, and how heavy silence of the driveway offered no comfort. And no one understood how I sat in my room that night, entirely convinced that I had provoked him, and decided right then that I deserved to feel pain. That was when I first started to self-harm, when I hid the box cutter and the multiple sharpener blades in my bathroom drawer."

The sudden silence in the room was deafening, but Felix didn't pull away. Instead, he moved with agonizing slowness, extending his hand towards me but stopping just short of my skin, his striking amber eyes locked onto mine with a look of stunned shock and a silent pleading question. Asking 'Can I touch you?' The profound sorrow in his gaze spoke a thousand apologies for the horrors she had endured alone. 

My breath hitched, the old panic flaring up as I choked out the question that had been poisoning my mind, "You're not mad at me? You're not going to leave?"

Felix didn't hesitate for a single second. His face softened instantly, and a fierce, immediate "No." left his lips as his arms wrapped around me securely against his chest. I knew Felix could feel the rigid, trembling tension in my shoulders as I desperately bit my lip, trying to force the tears back and lock my grief away.

He pulled back just enough to look at my face, his amber eyes shining with a deep, understanding warmth that seemed to melt her defenses. "You don't have to hold it in anymore Chris," he murmured, his thumb gently brushing against my cheek. "It's okay to cry. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

The dam finally broke, and I buried her face into Felix's chest, my body shaking violently as heavy, agonizing sobs tore out of me. Felix held me tightly, rocking me slightly as he began to whisper like he was trying hard to not wake anyone up even though it was just us, "You didn't provoke him, Chris. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was just a dickhead. And none of it was your fault."

As the morning heat continued to rise, baking the room and making their skin sticky where they pressed together. I only gripped his shirt tighter. I didn't give a shit about the stifling air, I never wanted to let go of the safest place I had ever known. 

When our breathing finally slowed and we reluctantly pulled apart. Felix reached out, cupping my face to kiss me slowly, tenderly, and with a deep, reassuring affection that grounded me completely. Peering into my tear-strained face with his warm amber eyes, he kept his hands gently on my arms and asked softly, "Do you need anything? More food, a blanket, another hug? Anything at all, just tell me."

The heat of the day peaked around two o'clock, baking the pavement outside as my phone buzzed on the coffee table. I picked it up my eyes scanning the five-person group chat.

"Emily<3: Hey guys!! It's boiling today. Anyone wanna go swimming at the outdoor pool???"

My stomach dropped into a cold, hard knot. Absolute panic seized my chest. I looked down at my arms, tracing the jagged, pale scars and the fresher cuts marring my skin. Disgust twisted inside me. I couldn't go. There was no way I could let the others see what I had done to myself.

Beside me, Felix saw my face pale. He leaned in, his amber eyes full of the steady warmth. "Hey," he murmured, rubbing my shoulder. "It's gonna be okay, Pom. You don't have to hide from them."

"I can't Felix," I whispered, my voice trembling. "I'll just... I'll tell them I'll come, but I'll sit up in the cafe and watch. I just don't want them looking at me."

Felix frowned, his finger already flying across his phone screen. "I'm just going to tell the group that we aren't coming."

"No!" I caught his wrist, stopping him. I didn't want to ruin his day any more than I already have, and I didn't want to arouse suspicion from Nick, Em or Catherine. "Don't say no. I'll go. Just... say yes."

He paused, staring at his screen, before slowly deleting his half-written text. He looked up at me, his eyes searching through mine. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yeah." I lied forcing a nod.

He typed out a quick agreement to the group, but the moment I walked into my bedroom to get changed, the walls felt like they were crashing in on me. I collapsed against the edge of my bed, my breathing turning shallow and ragged. A full-blown panic attack ripping through me. What will they think? The voice in my head screamed. They're going to look at me like I'm a monster, a selfish monster. They're going to be disgusted. I gripped at my hair, sobbing silently in the dark, spiralling so deep I could barely feel my own hands shaking.

Somehow, I pulled myself together and threw a plain brown, long sleeved top with some blue denim shorts over my fully red, one piece swim suit. Felix and I went down the elevator to get into my car. At 3:00 pm, we set off to pick up Catherine, since she didn't have a car or a license. When we pulled up outside her house, the dread returned tenfold. I couldn't move. I froze, my face turned pale as I stared down at the road in front of us.

The swimming pool was only 10 minutes away from Catherine's house. My hand froze on the door handle, Felix turned off the ignition. We sat there in the sweltering car for a few minutes, the silence heavy. "Christine, look at me," he said softly. I turned to him, tears pricking my eyes. "You're going to be okay. They love you. They are not going to judge you, I promise."

It took five long minutes of breathing through the terror, anchored by Felix's hand in mine, before I finally found the courage to step out of the car and walk up to the swimming pool door.

Later, the bright blue water of the pool did nothing to cool the burning nervousness in my chest. Stepping out onto the pool deck felt like walking a tightrope. I tried to shield my arm, but there was nowhere to hide. As we started swimming, I caught them. Nick and Em, who were floating close together, and Catherine all tried so hard to look away, to be polite. But they couldn't help it. Every now and then,their eyes would accidentally drift to my arm, catching a small glance.

I braced myself for the judgement, for the disgust I felt for myself. But when I looked at their faces, I didn't see revulsion. There was only a profound, heavy sorrow in their eyes, and a quiet, aching guilt, as if they were wishing they had known how to stop me from ever starting. 

The cool pool water did nothing to soothe the frantic racing of my pulse, but Felix never left my side. He swam close, his broad shoulders acting as a physical shield between me and the rest of the world. Whenever Nick, Em or Catherine floated a little too near, Felix would shift his body, blocking their line of sight and giving me a safe pocket of space to breathe. 

Eventually, the tense silence broke. Nicky swam over to us with slow, non-threatening movements, making sure to keep their hands visible above the water. They didn't stare at my arms, instead they looked straight into my eyes with an expression so soft it made my throat ache. "Hey, Christine," Nick murmured, their voice completely devoid of the judgement I had spent hours fearing. "We're really glad you came today. If you get tired or just want to grab a drink at the cafe, let us know, okay?" Emily nodded warmly from a few feet away, offering a gentle, supportive smile that confirmed Nicky spoke for both of them. At that moment, the suffocating weight of my panic finally began to lift.

The drive home after the swim was quiet, enveloped in a soft, comforting aura that felt like a warm blanket. After we dropped Catherine off at her house, the remaining drive back to our apartment took only ten minutes. The afternoon sun was starting to dip, casting long, golden shadows across the dashboard.

Felix drove with one hand on the steering wheel, using his other to firmly hold my hand across the center console. He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, his voice a steady, grounding anchor in the quiet car. 

"I told you it was going to go alright, didn't I?" he said softly, glancing over at me with those warm eyes. "They love you Chrissy, not as much as me though," He teased, making me huff out a small giggle. He carried on, "They would never judge you for what you've been through. Did you see their faces? It wasn't disgust on their faces. They just felt so much sorrow and guilt because they love you, and they wish they could have been there to help you carry that pain." I looked out of the window as the familiar streets rolled by, finally letting out the breath I felt like I'd been holding for years, knowing that for the first time, I was completely safe. 

Chapter Text

The morning air was surprisingly crisp for a summer day, a cool breeze drifting through our open kitchen window as I flipped a fresh waffle onto a plate. It was Christine's birthday, and keeping my face completely blank was the hardest thing I'd had to do all year. I poured a generous stream of maple syrup over the stack, scattering a handful of strawberries and blueberries neatly along the side just as the bedroom door clicked open.

Christine stepped out, rubbing her dark brown eyes, her medium-length, puffy brown hair creating a chaotic halo around her head. She looked beautiful. She stood there for a second, her small button nose wrinkling slightly as she took in the smell of the food.

"Morning, bookkeeping," I said, using my favourite playful jab at her job as an accountant. "Made you some breakfast before your shift."

I watched her expression fall just a fraction, a quiet wave of disappointment wash over her features. She clearly knew what day it was, but she didn't say a word. Sitting down at the small table, she ate her waffles in a slightly subdued silence. It absolutely killed me to see her look even slightly upset, but the secret I was keeping was too important to ruin early. When she finished, she gathered her things, gave me a slightly strained, lingering hug, and left the apartment for her 8:00 am shift.

The very second the front door clicked shut, I whipped out my phone and fired off a message to Nicky.

Felix: Hey, can I borrow your car for like an hour or 2? Need to go to the pet store.

It took less than thirty seconds for my screen to light up.

Nicky: Nu uh you ain't driving my car. But I can take you. Why the fuck are you going to the pet store?

Felix: It's Christine's birthday. She just left for work. I already got the green light from the apartment manager weeks ago.

Nicky: Fine. Em and I are coming to pick you up. Give us ten.

True to their word, Nicky's car pulled up to the curb almost exactly ten minutes later, with Emily practically vibrating with excitement in the passenger seat. The ride over was a blur of Emily tossing out ridiculous pet name suggestions while Nicky aggressively gripped the steering wheel, muttering about how much they better not find a single stray animal hair on their upholstery.

When we finally walked into the pet store, my eyes scanned the enclosures until they landed on a specific pen near the back. My heart stopped. Curled up on a tiny fleece blanket was a dark brown Maine Coon kitten. She was incredibly small but already showing signs of those characteristic tufted ears. As I walked closer, the morning light caught her coat, revealing beautiful, distinct swirly patterns woven throughout her fur. Nestled within the dark brown blocks of colour was a distinct, undeniable tint of gold.

I leaned down, extending a finger through the wire mesh. The kitten immediately woke up, stretching her tiny paws, her coat shimmering. The golden swirls perfectly matched the colour of my own amber eyes.

"That's the one," I murmured, a massive, genuine smile breaking across my face as I looked back at Nicky and Emily. "That's her."

"Felix, she needs this," Emily declared, tossing a massive obnoxious, pink feathered wand into the trolley. Her long, curly brown hair bounced as she twirled it around, her bright blue eyes wide with excitement. She reached up to a shelf, close to the top as she was around 5,5 ft, "And this giant plush mouse! Oh, and the glitter balls!"

"She's a cat, Em, she's going to ignore all of that and sleep in the cardboard box she came in," Nicky muttered, pushing the trolley with a completely deadpan expression. They looked every bit of a grumpy protector, short, dark brown hair with bright pink roots, a silver septum ring catching the fluorescent lights, alongside their eyebrow piercing, snake bites, and four separate ear piercings. Their tattooed arms flexed as they steered us toward the premium kitten food, their dark amber eyes scanning the ingredients. "Get the grain-free stuff. We aren't giving Christine's new kid a stomachache on day one."

Once the trolley was overflowing with a litter box, bowls, toys, a big, brown leopard bed, and a scratching post, we made a quick detour across the city to pick up Catherine. We wanted the whole group to be there for the final reveal. Catherine stepped out of her house, her short, fuzzy ginger hair framing her face. She was in her early 30s, sweet polite, and wearing her usual riding boots. Her dark blue-green eyes lit up the moment she looked into the backseat and saw the carrier. "Oh, Felix," she whispered, her voice overflowing with gentleness. "She is absolutely precious. Christine is going to weep."

We arrived back at the apartment at around 2:30 pm, giving us plenty of time to set up. Nicky and I carried the heavy scratching post inside while Emily and Catherine meticulously arranged the food bowls and scattered the toys across the living room rug. With everything prepped, we sat on the floor, letting the kitten explore. She trotted around on her tiny paws, the golden swirls in her dark brown fur shimmering in the afternoon light.

"So, what's her name?" Catherine asked softly, gently scratching the kitten behind her tufted ears.

"I was thinking something not so 'original' but also not too 'classic'." I said, watching the little ball of fluff pounce on one of Emily's glitter balls.

"Call her Destroyer," Nicky suggested bluntly from the kitchen counter.

"No way!" Emily gasped "She needs something beautiful. Like... Cleo! Or Penelope!"

We bounced names back and forth for nearly half an hour. I looked down at the kitten, who chose that exact moment to look up at me with wide, curious eyes. "Phoebe," I murmured, the name instantly fit perfectly. "Her name has to be Phoebe."

By 3:55 pm, the tension in the room was palpable. The keys jangled outside the front door right on the dot of four. I quickly scooped Phoebe into my arms, standing right behind the back end of the couch. Nicky, Emily and Catherine lined up right beside me, forming a solid wall of birthday conspirators.

The door opened. Christine stepped into the hallways, looking exhausted from a long day of crunching numbers at her desk. She kicked off her shoes, her hair a little wild, and shouted a call into the apartment. "Hey, did you have a goo-"

She cut herself off completely. Her dark brown eyes went wide as saucers, her lips parting as she froze dead in her tracks.

Standing in front of her was the entire group. Emily, was practically vibrating, giggling with pure excitement, while Catherine gave her a polite, incredibly sweet wave. Even Nicky was just standing there, a rare, genuinely sweet look in their eyes as they watched her reaction without saying a word. 

I took a half-step forward, tightening my grip gently around the fluffy brown and gold kitten in my arms, and let out a soft, nervous chuckle. "Happy birthdayyy..." I said softly, a smile breaking across my face as I watched the exact moment her heart melted. 

Christine slowly walked towards me, her boots forgotten on the rug as she moved like she was in a dream. The shock on her face was absolute, her dark brown eyes swimming with a mixture of disbelief and sudden relief.

"You actually knew it was my birthday...?" She whispered, her voice cracking slightly as she stopped a few feet away from me. I let out a soft laugh, my eyes locking onto hers."Yeah..." I replied gently. "Keeping a blank face this morning was the hardest part about the surprise, Chrissy. I  had to make you think I forgot, or the whole plan would've been ruined."

Slowly, I knelt down on the floor and carefully placed Phoebe onto the floor. Christine immediately crouched down, the little Maine Coon blinked, shook her fluffy coat, and trotted forward on her tiny paws. Christine extended a trembling hand, letting the kitten sniff her fingers for the first time. The golden swirls in Phoebe's dark brown fur caught the afternoon light, and Christine's face lit up with pure awe. She quickly whipped out her phone, snapped a fast, perfect picture of the tin ball of fluff, and slid it back into her pocket.

"Felix..." She said, her voice dropping as she looked up at me from the floor.

"Yeah?" I asked, standing back up in sync with her.

"Come here."

The moment I stopped right in front of her, Christine leaped up into my arms. Caught me completely off guard, my arms automatically wrapped around her waist to anchor her as she locked her legs securely around my hips. Before I could even gasp, she began showering my face in quick, passionate kisses, landing them on my cheek, my temple, my forehead, my nose, my chin, and finally pressing a deep, slow, breathless one against my lips.

I completely melted into her, burying my face in her puffy, brown hair as the reality of her weight against me wiped out everything else in the room.

Behind us, a suffocating, dead silence fell over the apartment. I had completely forgotten we had an audience. Nicky, Emily, and Catherine were standing there in absolute, paralyzed shock. Because we had been so guarded about our healing and our past, none of them actually knew we were in a relationship until this exact second.

Emily's jaw was practically on the floor, her bright blue eyes wide enough to pop. Nicky just stared at us, their eyebrow piercing twitching as they tried to process the sight of me acting like a lovesick puppy, while Catherine stood frozen, her hand still raised in her polite wave.

Later on that evening, the initial shock wore off, replaced by a massive interrogation over drinks, and the group stayed over for the birthday meal I had meticulously planned. Before I brought out the secret birthday cake I had baked and hidden away the day before, I served up the main course.

Since I had bought a literal mountain of ingredients, I made a massive, comforting batch of creamy garlic Tuscan chicken pasta, loaded with spinach and sun-dried tomatoes, alongside a giant bowl of garlic bread. We all crowded around the small dining table, the chaotic energy returning tenfold. Emily spent the entire meal aggressively gushing over how "unbelievably romantic" the secret surprise was, while Nicky sat back, feeding Phoebe tiny bits of chicken under the table when they thought I wasn't looking, and Catherine raised her glass, toasting to Christine’s new chapter.

After we finished clearing the pasta bowls, I slipped back into the kitchen to retrieve the secret weapon. I had explicitly warned the group earlier, no singing. Christine would have absolutely shrivelled up from the attention, and honestly, Nicky looked like they would rather swallow glass than chant the birthday song anyway. So, I just quietly walked back into the dining room carrying the double layered chocolate cake I’d meticulously hidden the night before. I set it down right in front of her, the glowing candles casting a warm, flickering light across her dark brown eyes and the small button nose I loved so much. Christine looked up at me, her cheeks flushing a beautiful pink, and blew the candles out with a breathless laugh.

While the heavy cake settled, the living room transformed into a total playground. Christine and Emily ended up sitting cross-legged on the rug, completely bonding over Phoebe's new toys. Emily’s long, curly hair bounced as she aggressively waved the pink feathered wand, her bright blue eyes shining with pure delight every time the tiny Maine Coon pounced. Christine was right there beside her, dragging a little plush mouse across the floor, giggling uncontrollably as Phoebe did a clumsy, dramatic kitten flip. Nicky watched them from the edge of the couch, a rare, soft expression melting their usual grumpy exterior, while Catherine sat nearby, sipping her drink and offering sweet, polite commentary on Phoebe’s "excellent hunting instincts."

By the time the clock ticked past midnight, the apartment finally emptied out. Nicky, Emily, and Catherine said their goodbyes, leaving behind a trail of crumpled wrapping paper, empty mugs, and a very sleepy kitten wrapped in a blanket on the armchair.

The silence that settled over the living room was thick and peaceful. I was leaning against the kitchen counter, rubbing the back of my neck, when Christine walked up to me. The cool July night air was drafting through the cracked window, but the apartment still felt incredibly warm.

"Tonight was perfect, Felix," she whispered, stepping into my space.

"Yeah?" I smiled down at her, my eyes tracking the way her puffy brown hair fell over her shoulders. "I'm glad. I was genuinely terrified you’d be mad at me for the morning stunt."

"I was a little sad at work, I won't lie," she admitted, her lips curving into a soft, teasing smile. "But the second I saw you holding Phoebe... everything else just evaporated. Thank you. For everything."

"You deserve to have a good day, Christine. Especially on your birthday," I said softly, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

We stood there talking for a long time, debriefing the absolute chaos of the evening. We laughed about the sheer, paralyzed shock on the others faces when she had jumped into my arms earlier, and how Emily had spent twenty minutes cornering us in the kitchen demanding to know every single detail of how our relationship started. It felt amazing to just exist out in the open with her, no more heavy secrets clogging our throats.

Eventually, the exhaustion of the day caught up to us both. I let out a heavy yawn, checking the time. "Alright, bookkeeping. You need to sleep, and I should probably start setting up my spot." I gestured toward the couch, where I usually spent the night, already reaching for the spare pillows.

Christine shifted on her feet, her fingers twisting nervously in the hem of her shirt. Her dark brown eyes looked up at me, wide and suddenly very shy.

"Felix?" she started, her voice dropping into a hesitant whisper. "Do you... do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?"

I froze, my hand dropping from the pillows. I looked at her, completely shocked by the question, my mind going entirely blank for a second. We had been taking things so slowly, always respecting each other's boundaries after everything we'd been through.

Seeing my frozen expression, Christine's face instantly flushed a deep, frantic crimson. "I MEAN—if you want to, of course..." she hurried out, her hands waving slightly in a panic. "Only if you're comfortable. I just thought... it's a big bed, and the couch is small, and I really don't mind."

A genuine, incredibly warm chuckle bubbled up from my chest. The sheer cuteness of her rambling completely melted any shock I had. I stepped forward, catching her hands to stop her from spiralling. "Christine. Hey. I'd love to."

The relief on her face was instant. A small, breathless smile broke through her embarrassment, and she nodded quickly. "Okay. Good."

Hand in hand, we walked down the quiet hallway together, leaving the sleeping kitten in the living room as we stepped into the familiar sanctuary of her bedroom. The room was dark, illuminated only by the faint silver moonlight filtering through the blinds.

We both got into the bed, the crisp sheets cool against our skin before our combined body heat began to warm the space. The moment we settled beneath the heavy quilt, Christine didn't hesitate. She immediately pushed herself closer to me, bridging the gap between us until there was no space left. She leaned up, pressing a soft, lingering kiss against my lips.

"Goodnight, Fee," she murmured against my mouth.

I smiled in the dark, my heart doing a violent flip at the nickname. "Goodnight, beautiful," I replied, my voice a low, rough rumble in the quiet room.

I felt her entire body shudder slightly as she tried so hard not to completely melt at the word, but she clearly didn't have much control over it. Giving up on being casual, she wrapped a tight arm around my waist, pulling herself even closer against my side. She lifted her leg, draping it securely over my hip, and completely buried her face in the center of my chest.

I wrapped my arms around her pear-shaped frame, resting my chin on top of her puffy hair. Listening to the steady, calming rhythm of her breathing, I closed my eyes, realizing that this,right here, with her tangled completely in my arms,was exactly where I was always supposed to be.

Chapter Text

A few days later, our apartment felt completely different, entirely transformed by the tiny four-legged whirlwind that was Phoebe. She was settling in just fine, transforming from a shy little ball of fluff into a confident explorer who treated every piece of furniture like a personal mountain peak. Her favorite pastime was finding the exact spot where the afternoon sun hit the living room rug, stretching her dark brown and golden-swirled coat out to soak up the heat until she was completely limp with sleep.

But Felix and I didn't want her stuck inside the walls of our apartment forever, especially given her Maine Coon heritage. So, we decided to get ambitious, we started harness training her.

The first day was a total comedy show. Felix had carefully slipped the tiny, adjustable mesh harness over her head, and the exact second the clips snapped shut, Phoebe completely forgot how to use her legs. She did a dramatic sideways flop onto the carpet, playing dead like a tiny, furry actor who had just been deeply betrayed by her favorite humans. I had laughed so hard I nearly started crying, snapping photos on my phone while Felix knelt on the rug, coaxing her forward with small bits of chicken.

"Come on, Phoebs," Felix had coaxed, his eyes crinkling with amusement. "You're a fierce jungle cat, remember? You can't let a piece of fabric defeat you."

Surprisingly, she was a fast learner. By day three, she realized that the harness meant she got to go near the front door. By day five, she was actually trotting down the hallway on a leash, her fluffy, tufted ears perked forward with absolute curiosity.

Today was our first official walk outside. The summer afternoon air was warm as Felix and I stepped out onto the grass in the small courtyard behind our building, Phoebe secured safely on her leash. The moment her tiny paws touched the grass, her dark brown eyes went wide. She sniffed a stray dandelion with intense focus, her tail puffing up slightly at the sudden chatter of a nearby bird, before she looked up at me as if to check that I was still there.

Felix walked right beside me, his fingers slipping into my hand, his dark brown and dirty blonde hair catching the bright July sunlight. We walked at a ridiculously slow pace, completely at the mercy of a kitten who wanted to inspect every single blade of grass, but I didn't care. Looking down at Phoebe, then looking up at the boy holding my hand, the old shadows of my past felt further away than ever. I wasn't a ghost anymore, I was right here, building a completely new life in the sun.

After Phoebe had thoroughly inspected every single leaf in the courtyard, her little kitten battery completely ran out. She sat down flat on the grass and looked up at us with a pitiful meow, refusing to take another step. Felix laughed, bending down to scoop her up, harness and all, and cradling her against his shoulder like a furry baby as we headed back inside.

The apartment was beautifully cool compared to the sticky summer heat outside. While Felix went to untangle Phoebe from her leash, I changed into my favorite oversized t-shirt and a pair of soft shorts, letting my puffy brown hair down from its ponytail. By the time I walked into the living room, the sun was just beginning to dip, casting long, lazy shadows across the floorboards.

Felix was already stretched out on the couch, his long frame taking up nearly the entire length of the cushions. He had his arms folded behind his head, his dark brown and outgrown dirty blonde hair messy against the fabric."Look who decided she's too tired to exist," he whispered, a fond smile crinkling the corners of his eyes as he looked down at his own chest. Phoebe had claimed him as her personal mattress. She was currently circling around on his white t-shirt, digging her tiny paws in to find the perfect spot. Her dark brown and golden coat shimmered in the twilight, her tufted ears twitching every time Felix took a deep breath. Finally, with a soft purr that sounded like a miniature engine, she collapsed right in the center of his chest, tucking her chin over her paws and closing her eyes.

"I'm stuck," Felix joked softly, looking up at me with those warm amber eyes. "I've been taken hostage by a five-pound apex predator. You're going to have to save me, Chrissy."

"You look perfectly comfortable to me," I teased, walking over to the couch.

Instead of sitting on the opposite end, I carefully climbed onto the cushions beside him, sliding my legs over his lap and leaning my back against his side. Felix immediately adjusted, lowering one arm to wrap securely around my waist, pulling me flat against his rib cage so we were tangled together. He was careful not to jostle the sleeping kitten, who merely let out a tiny, sleepy chirp at the movement but didn't wake up.

I rested my head in the crook of his neck, listening to the dual rhythms of Felix’s steady heartbeat and Phoebe’s rumbling purr. The quiet hum of the refrigerator and the gentle summer breeze through the cracked window were the only sounds in the room.

"You know," Felix murmured into the silence, his fingers gently stroking the skin of my waist, "I could get used to this. Every single night."

I smiled in the dark, my heart doing a familiar, happy flutter. I tilted my head up, pressing a quick, affectionate kiss to his jawline. "Me too, Fee."We stayed like that for hours, watching the room slowly fade into total darkness, completely content to let the rest of the world drift away outside our walls.

The deep, peaceful quiet of the early morning didn't last nearly as long as we hoped it would. I woke up slowly to the soft, grey light filtering through the bedroom blinds, feeling the familiar, heavy warmth of Felix’s arm wrapped securely around my waist. My face was buried right against his chest, and for a few blissful seconds, I wanted nothing more than to drift straight back to sleep in the safety of his hold.

Then, a tiny, dark brown blur scrambled onto the mattress.

Phoebe had officially entered her morning "zoomies" phase. Her fluffy tail was puffed out like a bottle brush, her tufted ears twitching with chaotic energy as she crouched at the foot of the bed. Her dark brown eyes, wide and completely manic, locked onto a very specific target shifting beneath the heavy quilt.

Felix’s feet were peeking out from the bottom of the blanket.

Before I could even whisper a warning, Phoebe pounced. She launched her tiny body forward and chomped down on Felix’s big toe with her needle-sharp kitten teeth.

"Ow! What the—!" Felix bolted upright so fast the mattress shook, his deep voice cracking with a mixture of sheer shock and pain. His dark brown and dirty blonde hair was sticking up in every single direction as his amber eyes flew open. "What just happened? Did something bite me?!"

I burst out laughing, burying my face in the pillows to muffle my giggles. Phoebe, completely unfazed by his dramatic reaction, simply hopped backward, chirping victoriously, before pouncing right back on his foot to attack his other toes.

"Christine, help me, your child is a demon," Felix groaned, trying to wiggle his feet out of her reach while Phoebe dug her tiny claws into the blanket, tracking the movement like an apex predator. He rubbed his eyes, looking down at his chest where she had been sleeping so peacefully the night before. "I thought we were friends, Phoebs. This is literal betrayal."

"She’s just letting you know her breakfast is five minutes late, Fee," I teased, finally pushing myself up against the headboard. My puffy brown hair was a total mess, but the wide, genuine smile on my face made Felix stop grumbling.

His face softened instantly, the annoyance melting off his features into that familiar, fierce warmth. He gave up on defending his toes from the kitten, sliding back down the pillows until he was right next to me again. He reached out, his large hand cupping my cheek gently as he leaned in to press a soft, sleepy kiss to my lips.

"Morning, beautiful," he murmured, his voice a low, raspy rumble that made my chest flutter. "Even if you do have a tiny monster for a daughter."

"Morning," I whispered back, leaning into his touch as Phoebe finally gave up on his feet and decided to climb onto his stomach, letting out a loud, demanding purr. Sitting there in the quiet bedroom, listening to Felix’s soft laughter as he stroked the kitten’s golden-swirled fur, I knew there was absolutely nowhere else in the world I’d rather be.

Giving up on getting any more sleep, Felix finally rolled out of bed with a dramatic sigh, scooped Phoebe up under one arm like a fluffy football, and walked down the hallway toward the kitchen. I followed closely behind, pulling my oversized t-shirt down and trying to tame the wildest knots in my puffy brown hair.

The kitchen was bright, filled with the fresh, clear light of a summer morning. Felix set Phoebe down on the floor, but the moment he opened the fridge, her kitten brain clicked into high gear. She didn't want her regular canned food; she wanted whatever the giant humans were having.

"Alright, bookkeeping, what are we feeling today?" Felix asked, his amber eyes scanning the shelves. "Omelettes? Pancakes? Or should I just surrender all the bacon to the tiny dictator on the rug?"

"Pancakes," I said instantly, leaning against the counter. "Definitely pancakes."

"You got it." Felix pulled out the milk, eggs, and butter, setting them on the counter. He turned around for less than two seconds to grab a mixing bowl from the cabinet, and that was all the invitation Phoebe needed.

With a tiny, chaotic scramble of claws against wood, she launched herself from the kitchen chair straight onto the counter next to the egg carton.

"Hey! No, ma'am!" Felix scolded, immediately dropping the bowl and scooping her off the laminate before her paws could touch the food. He set her back on the floor. "Counters are a no-fly zone, Phoebe."

He turned back around, measured out the flour, and cracked the first egg. Scritch-scratch. Phoebe had scrambled up the side of his jeans this time, using his denim like a climbing wall. She made it all the way to his pocket, letting out a loud, demanding mew right into his side.

"Ow, ow, claws, Phoebs!" Felix winced, laughing as he gently detached her tiny claws from his leg and held her out at arm's length. "Christine, a little assistance here? She is actively sabotaging breakfast."

"She’s just inspecting your technique," I laughed, walking over and taking the wriggling, fluffy bundle from his hands. I held Phoebe against my chest, her dark brown and golden swirled fur soft against my skin, but she wasn't content to just sit still. She kept craning her neck, her tufted ears twitching as she watched the butter sizzle in the hot pan.

Felix poured the first round of batter, the sweet, comforting scent of vanilla and cooking dough instantly filling the kitchen. He looked over at us, his dark brown and dirty blonde hair still completely messy from sleep, a massive, lopsided grin on his face.

"See? Teamwork," he murmured, stepping closer to flip the pancake with a practiced flick of his wrist. Before he turned back to the stove, he leaned over and pressed a quick, sweet kiss to my nose. "You hold the monster, I make the fuel."

"Deal," I whispered back, leaning my shoulder against his solid frame as Phoebe let out a tiny, defeated chirp, finally realizing she wasn't getting a pancake of her own. Standing there in the warm kitchen, surrounded by the smell of breakfast and the boy I loved, the morning chaos felt exactly like home.

We sat down at the small dining table with two towering stacks of golden-brown pancakes, the sweet scent of maple syrup hanging thick in the warm kitchen air. I had barely poured the syrup before a tiny, dark brown paw shot out from beneath the edge of the table, groping blindly at the surface. Phoebe had climbed onto the empty chair next to me and was now stretching her fluffy body as far as it would go, her wide, manic eyes locked onto the small bowl of fresh blueberries.

"Phoebe, absolutely not," Felix laughed, using his fork to gently block her path just as her nose bumped into a berry. She let out a tiny, offended squeak, her tufted ears pinning back as she tried to bypass his utensil with a sneaky, sideways swipe.

"She's determined, I'll give her that," I smiled, popping a blueberry into my mouth. Phoebe watched the berry disappear with a look of utter betrayal, eventually giving up and collapsing onto the chair cushion with a dramatic sigh, her golden-swirled coat rippling as she tucked her paws under her chest.

Knock, knock, knock.

The sudden, loud thumping on the front door made all three of us jump. Phoebe bolted under the table, while Felix and I exchanged a confused look. It was barely past nine in the morning.

"Good morning! I hope I'm not interrupting breakfast!" It was Catherine. She stood on the threshold, her short, fuzzy ginger hair framing a wide smile, her dark blue-green eyes crinkling with excitement. In her hands, she was proudly holding a beautifully braided, makeshift cat toy made from genuine leather strips and horsehair. "I was cleaning out the tack room at the stables this morning and realized this would make the absolute perfect scratching toy for Phoebe!"

"Catherine, come on in," Felix welcomed her warmly, stepping aside. Catherine trotted into the kitchen, her sweet, polite energy instantly filling the room. The moment she sat on the floor and wiggled the horsehair toy, Phoebe forgot all about the blueberries. The tiny Maine Coon flew out from under the table, pouncing on the leather strips with wild enthusiasm while Catherine giggled, gently stroking her soft fur.

Later that afternoon, the playful morning energy had to be locked away. I sat at my desk in the corner of the living room, staring at a mountain of spreadsheet columns for my accounting job. My brain was fried from balancing spreadsheets, and the ticking clock was only making my stress levels rise.Then came the distractions.

From across the room, Felix decided that my working hours were the perfect time to entertain the kitten. He was lying flat on his back on the living room rug, lifting Phoebe into the air like a tiny furry airplane. "Look, Christine, she's flying," he whispered loudly, trying to be quiet but failing miserably.

"Felix, please, I'm trying to calculate a tax audit," I sighed, though the corners of my mouth were already twitching upward.

"Sorry, Chrissy," he murmured. But two minutes later, a soft thud landed right next to my laptop. Phoebe had hopped onto my desk. She trotted across my keyboard, typing a random string of "dsdekhtuhl;o#[]78745+-*/" into my spreadsheet before turning around and batting aggressively at the blinking cursor on my screen.

"Fee!" I whined, catching the kitten before she could delete an entire row of data.

Felix peeked his head around the corner of the sofa, his dark brown and dirty blonde hair a chaotic mess, his amber eyes shining with pure mischief. He crept over on his hands and knees, completely silent, before reaching up and gently massaging my tense shoulders. "You're working too hard," he whispered in my ear, his breath warm against my neck. "The cat agrees with me. Take a five minute break."

I let out a long breath, leaning back against his solid chest as Phoebe curled up right on top of my paperwork, purring like a chainsaw. Looking at the two of them, I realized that even when they were being total nuisances, this chaotic, beautiful life was exactly what I needed to heal.

Chapter Text

The arrival of August brought a chaotic wave of summer energy to the streets, with school-aged kids roaming the footpaths like a horde of lost, frantic two-year old who had separated from their mothers in a massive grocery shop. It made the city almost unnavigable.

Originally, the group chat had been bouncing ideas for a heavy night at a local bar, but the thought of fighting through the swarming crowds, combined with the fact that Felix and I had a tiny, warm-blooded Maine Coon kitten waiting at home, made us completely abandon the plan.

Instead, I fired off a text suggesting we move the party to our place. It didn't take much convincing. It was decided, everyone was coming to our apartment for a heavy drinking night and a chaotic sleepover. It felt incredibly nostalgic. We hadn't all slept under the same roof since the day we finally found out the way to exit the circus.

By 7:00 pm, the living room floor was a sea of sleeping bags, air mattresses, and duffel bags. Nicky and Emily had arrived first, binging a literal mountain of liquor, while Catherine showed up a few minutes later, politely carrying a batch of homemade sausage rolls to line out stomachs.

"I forgot how loud you people are," Nicky murmured, through their dark amber eyes, shining with a rare, relaxed warmth. They were currently sitting cross-legged on the floor, their heavily tattooed arms resting on their knees, completely unfazed as Emily used their shoulder as a prop to mix a dangerously strong punch in a giant mixing bowl. 

"Oh, hush, babe! It's like the old trailer days, but without the smell of sawdust and popcorn!" Emily laughed, her long, curly hair bouncing as she handed a bright red cup to Catherine.

"Thank you, Em," Catherine said sweetly, smoothing down her jeans and taking a sip. "It really is lovely to all be together without a call-time hanging over our heads."

Felix was leaning against the kitchen door frame, his dark brown eyes, dirty blonde and brown hair, messy, his eyes locked onto me with that familiar, protective softness. Every now and then, as he passed around shots or refilled snacks, his hand would linger against my lower back, or his thumbs would gently brush against my waist. The others didn't even bat an eye anymore, they had completely accepted us as a package deal, though Emily still occasionally squealed whenever Felix leaned down to press a quiet kiss onto my temple.

As the drinks flowed and the music turned up, the apartment devolved into absolute, beautiful chaos. We started playing ridiculous drinking games on the rug, laughing so hard our ribs ached as we swapped embarrassing stories from our time at the circus. Nicky, despite their grumpy facade, ended up dominating a game of truth or dare, while Emily gave a highly dramatic, drunken monologue about why Phoebe was destined to be a supermodel cat.

Speaking of the tiny dictator, Phoebe was in absolute heaven. She treated the sprawling landscape of sleeping bags and human limbs like her personal obstacle course. She would sprint from Catherine's lap, slide across Nicky's leather jacket, and launch herself onto Felix's chest, her dark brown and golden-swirled coat flying in the dim party lights. Whenever she got too wild, Felix would simply scoop her up, letting her chew on his fingers while he laughed, his eyes crinkling in the hazy warmth of the room.

By 2:00 am the heavy drinks had taken their toll. The chaotic energy slowly began to simmer down into a comfortable, exhausted quiet. Emily was completely knocked out, her head resting in Nicky's lap while Nicky gently stroked her hair, their silver piercings catching the faint glow of the television. Catherine was curled up on the arm chair, wrapped in three separate blankets. 

Felix and I were squeezed together on the couch, the cushions barely big enough for the both of us, but I didn't care. I pulled my legs over his lap, burying my face into the crook of his neck while Phoebe finally crashed, snoring like a tiny, furry engine right between our stomachs.

"Hey," Felix whispered into the dark, his voice low, raspy rumble as his arms tightened around my waist. "You okay, beautiful?"

"More than okay." I murmured, pressing a soft kiss to his collarbone. Looking around the dark room at the messy, beautiful family we had built out of the ashes of our past, the old trauma felt entirely distant. We weren't little cartoon characters that got sent on adventures by an ai with a pair of teeth with eyes inside. We were just five broken people who had found a way to piece themselves back together, but we weren't done yet. Kinger- Well, Grant, was still lurking somewhere. Nicky gave us all, tattoos of kinger's chess piece build to honor him. 

The morning light cut through the blinds like a laser beam, hitting the living room with an unforgiving, blinding brightness. My head was pounding with a rhythmic, heavy thud, a brutal reminder of exactly how much punch Emily pressured me into drinking the night before.

I blinked my eyes open, my puffy hair a completely static, tangled mess against the sofa cushion. Moving even an inch felt like a monumental chore. Beside me, Felix let out a low, pathetic groan, burying his face directly into my shoulder to escape the daylight. His dark brown and dirty blonde hair was sticking up in every direction, his broad shoulders completely rigid with a hangover.

"If anyone speaks above a whisper, I will personally throw them off the balcony," a raspy, gravelly voice murmured from the floor.

I peeked over the edge of the couch. Nicky was sitting bolt upright on their air mattress, their tattooed arms gripping their head. Their dark brown hair was completely flat, their bright pink roots standing out starkly against their tanned skin. Their silver eyebrow piercing and snake bites glinted in the sun, and their dark amber eyes looked completely ready to murder the concept of morning itself. Beside them, Emily was still completely dead to the world, face down in a pillow, her long curly hair splayed out like a crime scene.

Crash.

A loud, hollow plastic thud echoed from the kitchen, immediately followed by the frantic skittering of tiny claws against the floorboards.

Phoebe was completely unaffected by the collective misery in the room. In fact, she was thriving. Her kitten battery had recharged to one hundred percent while we were sleeping off the alcohol. She had somehow managed to knock an empty liquor bottle off the kitchen counter, and she was now using a stray lime wedge as a personal football, dribbling it aggressively across the hardwood floor toward Nicky’s face.

"Felix," Nicky hissed, their voice dripping with venom as the sticky lime wedge bumped into their knuckles. "Your child is doing parkour. Control her before I turn her into a rug."

Felix didn't move. He just tightened his arms around my waist, pulling me even closer against his chest, his breath warm against my neck. "Can't," he mumbled, his voice a rough, sleepy rumble. "Legally dead. Christine, protect me from the scary tattooed person."

"You're on your own, Fee," I croaked, my throat completely dry.

From the armchair, Catherine slowly emerged from her mountain of blankets like a confused, gentle turtle. Her short, fuzzy ginger hair was a chaotic cloud, but true to her sweet, polite nature, she was the only one trying to be functional. Her dark blue-green eyes squinted at the mess of empty red cups, crumpled crisp packets, and discarded sleeping bags littering the rug.

"Good morning, everyone," Catherine whispered sweetly, wincing slightly as she stood up in her socks. "I can try to make some coffee... if I can figure out how to navigate around the apex predator."

Right on cue, Phoebe abandoned the lime wedge, sprinted across the living room, and did a flying leap onto Felix’s exposed feet at the end of the couch. She dug her needle-sharp claws into his big toe, a flawless repeat of her favorite morning assassination tactic.

"Ow! Mother-!" Felix bolted upright, his amber eyes flying open in sheer betrayal as he yanked his foot back. Phoebe just chirped victoriously, her dark brown and golden-swirled coat rippling as she hopped off the sofa and trotted over to Catherine, looking up with wide, innocent eyes as if to ask for breakfast.

Despite the blinding headache and the absolute wreck of an apartment, a soft laugh bubbled up in my chest. I watched Felix rub his eyes, grumbling under his breath before leaning over to press a quick, hungover kiss to my forehead. Looking at Nicky violently rubbing their temples, Emily finally groaning into her pillow, and Catherine gently scooping up a purring Phoebe, the mess didn't bother me at all. It was chaotic, loud, and completely exhausting, but it was our chaos, and for the first time in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything.