Chapter Text
When Kyle returns from a debate team meeting to an empty house he can't help but smile. His parents have taken Ike to a chess tournament, which means he has the house to himself for a good couple of hours. Not that he'll do anything too crazy, but it's nice to have free reign for a little bit... that is, if a certain someone isn't here too.
Kyle has been sharing a room with a clone of himself for nearly a year now. It's a testament to how truly bizarre South Park is that no one batted an eyelid at his new living situation. Stan and Kenny accepted this Kyle doppelganger with no questions asked, his parents (well, his mom) welcomed him with open arms and offered up Kyle's bedroom without even consulting him, and he was even quickly enrolled into their high school. However, that's not to say that clone Kyle's origins were not disturbing.
For this Kyle clone sprang fully formed from Cartman's twisted mind. Apparently, Cartman woke up one day with his underwear around his ankles, a hot mouth on his balls, and a head of red hair bobbing eagerly between his legs. He was dubbed Imaginationland Kyle due to his penchant for ball-sucking, but when that came to be too much of a mouthful, he was dubbed Id Kyle instead.
Kyle had blanched at the nickname initially, because he didn't want to believe Cartman perceived him in that way. But Id Kyle eventually earned his moniker. At first he was all over Cartman whenever the guys hung out, nuzzling him and kissing him at every opportunity, vocalising his desires and not even trying to regulate the volume of his voice, and trying to straddle or mount him as much as he could too. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny would grimace at these public displays of affection, and while Cartman lapped it up initially, Kyle could see he was starting to become uncomfortable himself by Id Kyle's eager advances… and a little more irritable. It’s hard to devour a burger or kick your friend’s asses at a video game when you’ve got someone constantly clamouring to kiss your mouth or dry-humping you like a dog in heat constantly.
But soon enough he had transformed Id Kyle from an animal in heat to, well, a trained pet. It was clear that Id Kyle still wanted to touch him, and kiss him, and be close to him, but that desire simmered beneath the surface of his skin, in longing stares, and twitching fingers. He would only act on these desires when Cartman playfully asked for a kiss or coolly invited Id Kyle to sit on his lap. Id Kyle's eyes would brighten, and if he had a tail it would’ve wagged. Now Id Kyle displays a kind of eagerness that Cartman will never get bored of, a restrained eagerness that keeps Id Kyle clinging to his every word for just a morsel of attention. Really, Kyle shudders to think, that's the version of himself that truly exists in Cartman's Id. A Kyle who is subservient, and completely at his mercy, and that he can parade in front of the real Kyle to humiliate and torment him.
Id Kyle likes to spend as much alone time with Cartman as possible, and Kyle hopes that means Id Kyle has gone to hang out at his place, far enough away that Kyle doesn't have to think too hard about what they might be doing to each other.
But his hopes are dashed when he nears his bedroom and hears mattress squeaks punctuated by whimpers and Cartman's loathsome murmurs of 'you like that?' followed by Id Kyle's just as loathsome and enthusiastic moans of agreement.
Kyle's face burns and he clenches his fists because he thought he made his feelings clear about them having sex in his room. In short, he fucking hates it. He storms over to the door and gives it three hard knocks.
He hears Id Kyle gasp.
"Who is that?"
He also hears Cartman's laboured grumbling.
"It's probably fucking Kyle... hold on a second, bro!" Cartman replies. Kyle hears some huffing, the springs of the mattress creaking as Cartman - oh god - dismounts. "Come on in!"
Kyle doesn't really want to go in, but he wrinkles his nose and gingerly pushes the door open anyway. His grimace deepens when he sees Cartman and Id Kyle's clothes scattered on the floor, and the flushed, sweaty pair under the covers. Cartman tries to look innocent, with his hand tucked under his head, elbow propped up on the pillow.
"Oh hey, Kyle, what's up?" he asks breathlessly.
Kyle's nostrils flare.
"What did I say about you guys hooking up in my room?"
Cartman rolls his eyes like he doesn't know how much of a big deal this is, when Kyle has made it clear several times. Although that probably just spurs him on.
Freak.
"It's Id Kyle's room too."
"Well, Eric wanted to hang out and since you were in debate I thought it would be okay if he came over while you weren't here?" Id Kyle pipes up shyly, clutching the duvet to his chest. "I didn't think you'd be home so early!"
Kyle scoffs incredulously.
"I'm not early!" he snaps. "This is the time I always get home from debate!"
Id Kyle blinks, clears his throat and his gaze shifts around the bed.
"Oh then I guess we just lost track of time..." he says haughtily, lifting his chin.
Cartman sighs, raising his left hand guiltily.
"Totally my fault, Kyle. Thought we'd take it slow and sensual today." His eyes slide to Id Kyle, chewing his lip.
Id Kyle gasps before erupting in giggles, staring at Cartman with twinkling eyes. Kyle wonders what's so funny until he sees that Cartman's right hand has delved under the sheet and he jumps back, the nape of his neck flushed.
"Jesus, wait until I leave the fucking room to touch each other!" He sighs when he realises nothing he can say will get those two to stop what they were doing. "Just make it quick, you got that?"
Cartman nods, grinning.
"Hard and fast." He makes a finger gun at Kyle with his left hand and winks. "Got it."
Kyle rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
"You're disgusting," he mutters, before he shuts the door on them.
He only gets to the top of the stairs before the mattress starts squeaking again, before the tortuous chorus of murmurings, giggles, and unabashed moaning rises.
Kyle tries to watch TV when he gets downstairs, but he can still hear them, and he doesn't know if it's all in his head or if they really are that loud.
He reaches for his headphones instead, turning the volume up on his music as high as he can without shattering his ear drums, and while it does drown out the noises, he can still see the ceiling shaking. His mom is going to have to buy a new bed for Id Kyle before long.
How is this my life?
He groans, flopping his head back onto the cushions and squeezing his eyes tight, pushing out thoughts of the vibrating ceiling. He digs his fingers into the cushions next to him too, hoping it will suffocate the urge to stroke his twitching cock through his jeans.
As if living with a horny clone that your rival/best friend constantly fucks isn't bad enough, Kyle also has to contend with the fact that he has developed some very traitorous, confusing, and intense feelings for Cartman following Id Kyle's arrival.
It's terrifying how quickly his initial disgust at seeing a mirror image of himself make out with Cartman morphed into curiosity and then attraction. Kyle once thought that the nausea that makes his stomach clench and burns his throat was just understandable discomfort at seeing a clone of himself do things to Cartman he never dreamed of doing before. But no, it was plain old jealousy. Or, it became jealousy when Kyle's sexually frustrated mind wandered to the enthusiastic PDAs he had witnessed and what those two got up to behind closed doors, and asked the question... what would it be like to have sex with Cartman?
Kyle has now imagined it enough times, honed these fantasies as he jerks off in the shower or when he's alone in his room enough times that he could manifest his own Id Cartman by now. He has tried to do that a couple of times, squeezing his eyes shut tight before flying them open and hoping to see a grinning, eager Cartman standing in front of him, but it never works, and he just feels deflated and embarrassed. He supposes Cartman has a better imagination than him, which is hardly consolation.
Eventually, the ceiling stops shaking and over the music he's listening to he can hear the soft thud of Cartman and Id Kyle descending the stairs. They appear in the corner of his eye. Cartman looks very smug, still flushed and with some hair still taped to his sweaty forehead. Id Kyle meanwhile, is wearing a pair of boxers that Kyle thinks have to be two sizes too small for him, and Cartman's old, pink beefcake vest he insists on sleeping in. He's also sipping at a bottle of Gatorade.
Kyle hates Id Kyle parading around his house in skimpy clothes just as much as he hates how he and Cartman rub their... whatever they have... in his face all day. Kyle doesn't need to see that much of his pasty skin or scrawny legs. Kyle would have thought that the version of himself in Cartman's head that he would want to have sex with would be buffer, less pasty, but he just looks exactly like Kyle.
"Kyle!" The Id version of him shouts.
Kyle grumbles, pulling a bud out of his ear.
"What?
Id Kyle huffs.
"Eric is saying goodbye to you!"
Kyle blinks. Cartman is waiting smugly, chin tilted.
"Oh... later," he replies perfunctorily, before pretending to bury himself in his phone.
Id Kyle sighs and turns to Cartman, placing both hands on his chest.
"Sorry about him..."
Cartman shrugs.
"It's fine. I'm used to it," he adds sharply, peering over Id Kyle's shoulder to glare at Kyle.
Kyle narrows his eyes at him.
Id Kyle sighs again, more pointed, and gives Cartman's shirt a tug, pulling his attention to him once more.
"He doesn't know how lucky he is to have you as a friend."
"Well, then it's a good thing I have you, huh?" Cartman replies in a saccharin tone.
He tilts his head to place a long kiss on Id Kyle's lips. Kyle watches, fighting arousal and disgust, but he blinks and tears his gaze away when Cartman's eyes open to find him staring. Kyle tries to stay focused on what's happening on his Twitter feed, but his eyes keep flitting back and forth to Cartman and Id Kyle. It doesn't help that he can feel Cartman's eyes on him, and he notices him wiping his mouth.
"See you later," he says to Id Kyle as he opens the front door.
"Wait!" Id Kyle pleads, pulling Cartman back by his t-shirt again. "One more kiss? Please?"
Kyle's jaw tightens and he tries not to gag.
"Kyle?"
Kyle frowns, looking at Cartman.
"Yeah?"
He raises his eyebrows.
"One more kiss? Is that allowed? Don't wanna outstay my welcome."
Kyle sighs and rolls his eyes.
"It's a little too late for that but fine, one more kiss."
Id Kyle giggles excitedly, and he yelps when Cartman presses him against the doorjamb. Kyle can hear the muffled, relieved moan melt out of Id Kyle's mouth when Cartman kisses him. Kyle tries to focus on his breathing, not the small noise of smacking lips and pleased whimpers as one more kiss turns into a make-out session. But his gaze helplessly wanders to the door and to his horror, he sees that Cartman has hitched Id Kyle up. His legs are wrapped around Cartman's middle like a snake, and the whole street can see them.
"No! What the fuck, do you have to do that?" Kyle snaps. "Cut it out, people will see you!"
Cartman tears his lips away from the kiss to address Kyle.
"So what? Jesus, Kyle, you're so frigid!" He sighs and turns to Id Kyle again, shaking his head. "I don't know how you put up with him..."
"I can hear you!" Kyle snaps.
"I know," Cartman replies, before lowering Id Kyle. "But hey, if you get bored of hanging out with Frigid Franny over here, come over later?"
Id Kyle giggles.
"Sure, okay..."
They share a quick kiss.
"Bye..." Cartman says.
Id Kyle waves eagerly back.
"Bye!"
"Bye, Kyle..." Cartman adds. "Kyle?"
Kyle shakes with impatience, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
"Fine, bye, just please get out of my house!"
Kyle catches Cartman grinning as he shuts the front door behind him. As soon as his face disappears Kyle returns to his phone, not really in the mood for talking. But Id Kyle just stands there, like he wants to make conversation. He looks between the door and Kyle. Kyle has never been there when Cartman has just left him, only when he returns to the house after a day spent fucking at his place. He looks lost. He steps closer to the couch.
"Want a sip of my Gatorade?" he asks, holding out the bottle to Kyle.
Kyle glances at the bottle, one of many Id Kyle keeps stashed in his mini fridge in their room, along with bottles of water and... pineapple slices. Kyle doesn't like to think too hard about what those could be for.
"No thank you," Kyle murmurs, before returning to his phone again.
He hears Id Kyle huff and notices him folding his arms.
"Alright, what is your problem?"
Kyle blinks, looking at him.
"With what?"
"Eric and I's relationship."
Kyle scoffs, eyes widening.
"Seriously? You don't know what my problem is? Cartman is the fucking worst!"
Id Kyle scowls.
"No he is not!" His shoulders draw back and his chin juts out. "You just don't know him like I do!"
Kyle laughs bitterly then, rolling his eyes.
"I've known him a hell of a lot longer than you have, and he is the worst human being I have ever met. All he's ever done is made my life miserable and when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you show up!" he exclaims. "And I have to watch you be all over each other constantly!"
Id Kyle blinks as he computes the information, and a smile spreads across his face when he seems to have processed it.
"Oh, I get it..." he says, chin still jutting out, but he's folded his arms again. "You're jealous."
The words rip apart Kyle's disgusted, affronted mask. He freezes, and slides his cold gaze to Id Kyle, who couldn't be more delighted with himself.
"What did you just say?" Kyle whispers.
"You're jealous! Because I remind you of what you can't have!" He loses his smug delight, and his voice becomes filled with conviction. "You want Eric all to yourself, you want to have him like I have him, but you can't! And do you know why? Because you're not enough for him. You're way too frigid and uptight to give him what he wants."
Kyle gets to his feet, fists clenched, and nostrils flared, sewing up that tear in his disgusted, affronted mask with angry stitches.
"I would never in a million years want to give him what he wants! What the fuck do you even know about me anyway?"
Id Kyle rolls his eyes and chuckles meanly.
"Kyle, we share a room, and Eric talks."
Kyle scoffs, narrowing his eyes.
"So you just blindly believe everything he says? Of course you do, because you couldn't possibly do anything else. He's taking you for a fucking ride."
Id Kyle's smile vanishes, his lip wobbles.
"N-n-no, he's not!" He clenches his fists too. "I have no reason to doubt what he says because we love each other!"
Kyle is the one to roll his eyes and chuckle meanly now.
"Yeah, I bet you do. I bet he loves that you're so submissive, and that you don't ask questions. You really think that's a healthy relationship?"
Id Kyle shakes his head, face creasing.
"It's not like that at all!"
"No, you're right," Kyle replies, folding his arms victoriously. "What you two have is barely a relationship."
"Fuck you!" Id Kyle shouts, voice cracking.
He's wounded now, and before Kyle can even stop it he's coming closer, closing in on him, emboldened. He's right in his face when he says:
"And hey, I'd rather be a frigid, uptight virgin than a glorified sex doll!"
Id Kyle retaliates by throwing his Gatorade in Kyle's face with an angry cry.
Kyle squeezes his eyes shut as the Gatorade hits his face, but when he opens them he sees Id Kyle still standing there, seething.
"What the fuck?" he cries, Gatorade dripping from his nose and hair.
"Serves you fucking right, asshole!" Id Kyle cries, storming over to the stairs and Kyle doesn't stop him because he thinks he may be right.
He thought he had won, but it's hard to feel like a winner when you're soaked in Gatorade.
"Eric was so right about you!" Id Kyle yells over the banister. "You're such a fucking bitch!"
After he's heard his bedroom door slam, Kyle drags himself up the stairs, deflated, and heads to the shower. Once showered, he returns to the living room, wanting to avoid Id Kyle as much as possible.
While Id Kyle is grateful for the Broflovskis putting a roof over his head, truthfully he doesn't like hanging out at home for an extended period of time. Mrs Broflovski is great, always accommodating and making him feel at home, Ike rags on Id Kyle as much as he rags on his brother, and Mr Broflovski… doesn’t really pay attention to him.
But - besides this afternoon - Kyle is never rude or unpleasant to him either. He begrudges sharing his room, but he's never petty or hostile, always civil. In fact, whenever Id Kyle asks about Kyle's extracurriculars he lights up and chats freely to him, like he forgets who he's talking to because he probably doesn't have much of a chance to talk about them with the guys. No, Id Kyle knows he doesn't get to talk about his debate meets with the guys because whenever Kyle does bring it up Eric, Kenny, and Stan all pretend to fall asleep, snoring loudly. Kyle scowls at this, and Eric finds it hilarious, and because his laughter is so contagious it sends Id Kyle into hysterics too. But when they're alone, he always pries for information because Kyle makes his debate topics sound so fascinating.
Eric has toned down the Kyle talk significantly around Id Kyle, because it bummed them both out, but in the early stages of their relationship, Kyle was all Eric ever wanted to discuss.
It was confusing, because sometimes Eric would pace his room while Id Kyle posed seductively on his bed, ranting and raving about Kyle's self-righteousness, and his sneakiness, and his constant desire to screw Eric over, but then other times he would lie next to Id Kyle and stare at the ceiling dreamily, waxing lyrical about how handsome Kyle is, how funny, and smart he is, how passionate he is about the things he believes in, and how there is nobody else like him. Then, Eric's gaze would slide to Id Kyle, and he would grin and kiss him, and Id Kyle would sink happily into the sheets because all he's ever wanted is Eric's touch. He can't remember wanting anything else. He blinked his eyes open in Eric's room one day, saw him sleeping peacefully, like an angel, and he just had to have his balls in his mouth.
Following his argument with Kyle, he needs Eric more than ever. There really is nothing for him in Kyle's room. He masturbates a couple of times, thinking about Eric, but knows only the real thing will satisfy him. Plus, he really should give Kyle his room back. So he soon heads to Eric's house, upset, and rejects Eric's offer of going over to Kyle's and kicking his ass by shoving him up against the wall and kissing him, begging for his cock. Eric can't refuse him that.
So currently they're at round 4, and Kyle's stinging words have just about faded from Id Kyle's mind, his brains almost fucked out completely. Undoubtedly that's Id Kyle's favourite state of being. His skin is prickling with sweat and his thighs are aching as he slams down on Eric's cock. He cries out with every bounce, and Eric's fingers digging into his hips keep him grounded.
He opens his eyes and bites his lip when he sees that Eric is sporting one of his favourite facial expressions, and that's saying something, because Id Kyle loves Eric's face pretty much all the time. But this expression - lips parted, eyes dark but glinting with awe - always sends Kyle soaring.
"Sh-shit, you look so fucking good.." Eric groans, eyes slipping shut and head tipping back. "Unnh, I'm gonna cum..."
Id Kyle is still biting his lip, but his mouth piques up at the corners.
"Say it again," he demands, ragged.
"Fuck Kyle..."
"Again..."
Eric grips his hips harder, and starts thrusting up into him, eyebrows knitting together.
"Unnh fuck Kyle!" he cries.
"Fuck him..." Id Kyle whispers breathlessly. "Fuck him..." he grinds his hips hard and repeats his mantra with every bounce. "Fuck him fuck him fuck him!"
His mouth drops open, and he braces himself on the headboard when he cums, crying out when thick white ropes fly onto Eric's glistening chest.
"F-f-fuck..." Eric groans, body arching and keeping Id Kyle in place as he cums inside him, hips twitching with the weak spurt he manages to produce.
Flushed, sweaty, and delirious, Id Kyle slides his hands down the headboard until they rest either side of Eric's head. They're both grinning languidly at each other, their breath hot between them, and Id Kyle peppers Eric's face with kisses, stroking his hair.
He kisses Eric's forehead before he presses their noses together, lower lip pooched invitingly in the way he knows Eric likes.
"One more time?" he asks, because Kyle’s voice is still whispering in the back of his mind.
Eric groans, eyes slipping shut. He reaches up to play with Id Kyle's sweat-soaked curls.
"I don't know." He shifts, his cock is still inside Id Kyle but softening. "My balls are killing me." He looks into Id Kyle's eyes and smiles, brows raised. "Maybe a little later?"
Id Kyle scrunches his mouth up, a little deflated.
"Alright." He sighs, climbing off Eric and turning his back to him, pulling up the duvet as well as his shoulders.
He can feel Eric's gaze on him, but he just chuckles and wraps an arm around his middle.
"Come here..." he says, and Id Kyle can't fight it when he pulls him closer. His eyes flutter shut when Eric nuzzles at his hair.
His hot breath rouses goosebumps all over, and he kisses his hair and the side of his neck. A smile stretches across Id Kyle's face and his body softens.
He loves any kind of physical contact with Eric, and for a while the sex between them was hard and rough. Amazing of course, but a lot of the time Id Kyle was turned around, and Eric would mutter words Id Kyle couldn't quite understand as he mercilessly pounded him. Id Kyle thinks it took Eric a while to see how much he really wanted him, how desperate he was for his touch and willing to do anything for it, because soon the sex varied. Yes, it was hard, and intense and passionate but Eric started to explore his body more, kiss him more, roam his wide, bright eyes over him with delight and awe like he was an unwrapped Christmas present. He became more indulgent and affectionate, and who doesn't like to feel wanted?
"You’re so beautiful like this," Eric murmurs in Id Kyle's ear.
Id Kyle shivers, pleased.
"Thank you," he whispers.
Eric makes a small, low humming noise before he stops his nuzzling and kissing. Instead, he presses his cheek into Id Kyle's hair.
"Do you feel better now?"
Id Kyle presses his lips together, smiling.
"Yeah," he replies, before he turns to face Eric, the sheets rustling. "You always make me feel better."
Eric grins, eyes roaming his face.
"The offer to kick his ass still stands."
Id Kyle shrugs. He hardly thinks it's necessary now because he feels a lot better about himself.
"I'm good."
"I don't have to kick his ass, you know.” Eric raises his eyebrows. “I can get back at him some other way."
Id Kyle tilts his head to the side as he considers the offer. A little payback is intriguing. He strokes Eric's chest as he thinks.
"How about..." he looks at Eric and grins when he's come up with something. "We fuck in his bed?"
Eric blinks, his whole face shining with delight.
"Really?"
Id Kyle shrugs, like he hasn't just made all of Eric's dreams come true.
"Yeah. I know you've wanted to do it before." He digs his fingers into Eric's chest a little and grins. "Fuck him."
A wicked grin spreads across Eric's face too.
"Yeah, fuck him."
They seal their plan for payback with a giggly kiss.
When Id Kyle's brain is fizzy with endorphins, when he's in Eric's arms and their legs are tangled together he feels safe enough to tell Eric anything. Even the gnawing thought that no amount of sex could shut up. He shifts under the sheets and draws invisible shapes on Eric's chest.
"Hey, um..." he clears his throat before lifting his gaze to Eric's, putting on his best puppy dog eyes. "Why don't you ever take me out on dates?"
Eric blinks, stiffens and actually pulls back a little like there is a stranger in his bed. Not good.
"What?"
Id Kyle huffs, small and frustrated. His cheeks are burning, and he hopes Eric doesn't notice. Honestly, he feels like a little ant right now, getting cooked under Eric's stare that is both magnifying glass and scorching sun.
"Why don't we ever go see a movie, or go out for dinner?"
Eric blinks again, eyes flitting over Id Kyle like the answer to his question is tattooed on his skin. Instead, another wicked grin stretches across his face.
"You really think you could keep your hands off me for two hours in a movie theatre?" he teases, leaning in closer.
It takes all of Id Kyle's strength to turn away.
"I'm serious," he replies, as firmly as he can, staring at the ceiling.
Eric pulls back again, eyes wide and incredulous, and Id Kyle feels like he's struck him with his refusal to kiss him. He winces.
"I... I-I don't know!" Eric huffs. "I never thought you wanted to do that kind of stuff."
Id Kyle glares at him.
"Well, I do."
Eric makes another small, incredulous noise in the back of his throat. His eyes roam Id Kyle's face before his expression hardens.
"Fine, then I'll take you out," he says, grumbling as he flops back onto the mattress and stares up at the ceiling belligerently.
Id Kyle frowns. Normally he finds Eric’s pout eminently kissable, but it’s doing nothing for him right now.
“You could try sounding more enthusiastic.”
“Well, I feel like I'm taking you out under duress.”
Eric’s words hit him so hard that they take the breath out of him. What kind of fucking relationship is this if Eric feels under pressure to take him to a movie every once in a while? Kyle’s voice is growing louder in his mind but - for once - Eric’s dick is not the answer to quieting it.
“That's so unfair, that's not what's happening at all!”
“Oh, isn't it?” Eric snaps, sitting up. The back of his hair is matted slightly from the pillow and his eyes are wide, making him look manic. “Because I'm perfectly happy doing what we're doing, but now you want to watch movies and go out to dinner all of a sudden!”
“Isn't that what boyfriends are supposed to do?” Id Kyle asks, crossing his arms across his chest. “Excuse me for wanting the bare minimum.”
“Hey, you know I'm never giving you the bare minimum,” Eric says sternly, pointing his finger at him.
“I…” Id Kyle sighs, eyes slipping shut. That was a low blow. “I-I know. I'm sorry.”
“And where has all this backtalk come from?” Eric sucks in a breath and shakes his head. “I knew I shouldn't have let you live with him.” He spits. “His bad habits are rubbing off on you.”
Id Kyle scoffs incredulously, eyes widening. Not only is he not in the mood to fuck Eric, but he doesn’t want to even be in the same room as him right now.
“Well, the last place I want to live right now is here with you!” he cries, leaping out of bed and snatching his clothes from the carpet.
“Wh- oh, come on!” Eric crawls to the edge of his bed as he pleads with him, but Id Kyle concentrates on putting on his clothes. If he looks at Eric and the undeniably alluring all-fours position he’s in right now then he’ll break.
He’s soon fully dressed, and as he marches to the door Eric jumps out of bed.
“Where are you going?”
Honestly, Id Kyle has no idea where he wants to go. His usual safe haven, his happy place, is inhospitable right now because of the asshole currently occupying it. He just needs space, needs to walk and clear his head, but so he can get out of there as quickly as possible and not fall to his knees at the sight of Eric’s naked body he yells: “Home!”
Eric throws his hands up in the air.
“Seriously?”
Id Kyle responds by turning his back on him and marching down the hallway.
“Look, I'm sorry, okay!” Eric doesn’t run after him, but his voice follows him down the stairs. “Id Kyle! Ky... fine, fuck off!”
Kyle doesn’t know how long he’s been staring up at his ceiling and squeezing a stress toy for. The scent of Gatorade is still lingering in his hair, and Id Kyle’s bed is still unmade and rumpled, the indentations of his and Cartman’s bodies still in the mattress. He wrinkles his nose and squeezes the toy harder, wishing he could crush his spiteful words from earlier into dust.
Truthfully, Kyle doesn’t hate his horny doppleganger. Like the rest of us, he didn’t ask to be born, and his… nature… is just that. Nature. It can’t be stopped, and despite Cartman’s best efforts, it can’t be quelled either. No, he hates Cartman for getting them into this mess. He hates his twisted, strangely potent mind for conjuring such a creature, and then making it everyone else’s problem. Namely, Kyle’s problem. He starts squeezing the stress toy harder, faster, and freezes when he makes this agitated, animalistic grunt. Maybe he should put the thing down. Hell, maybe even Id Kyle is right and he does need to get laid, if only to blow off some sexually frustrated steam. He doesn’t know how many times he’s squeezed that toy and imagined he was squeezing Cartman’s throat, watching his eyes glimmer with panic and his face go from pink to purple; or squeezing his ass, pulling him closer effortlessly, smashing their lips together, pinning him to the nearest wall, and then-
Kyle is interrupted by his bedroom door flying open so hard that the doorknob smacks the wall.
It’s Id Kyle, with fists clenched, nostrils flared, and lips tightened into a scowl.
Crap, he’s still pissed.
Kyle sighs, dropping the stress toy on the floor and swinging his legs around so he can sit up.
“Hey, listen, man, about earlier-”
He’s cut off by the door slamming shut, and he watches puzzled (and a little scared), as Id Kyle storms over to his bed on the other side of the room and throws himself on it, punching his pillow so hard that the mattress shakes.
Kyle leaps from his bed and rushes over to him, trying to stop Id Kyle’s assault on the poor pillow before he can punch a hole through it and the mattress.
“Woah, are you alright?” he asks, attempting to brace his shoulders.
Id Kyle seethes, snarling over his shoulder like a hungry raccoon hoarding trash.
“Get the fuck off me!” he cries. Kyle immediately jumps away, holding up his hands to show that he comes in peace. “Both of you are fucking assholes!”
Kyle rubs the nape of his neck.
“Yeah, about that-”
“God, why don't I have anywhere else to go?” Id Kyle laments, dragging his hands through his hair. “Why do I have to fucking exist?”
Kyle makes a sympathetic, amused hum and rolls his eyes.
“You're not the first person to wonder that.”
Existential crises are not new to him, and he has the books by Descartes and Heidegger to prove it. In fact, he busted them out again when Id Kyle first made an appearance in their lives and left Kyle with so, so many questions about identity, and what makes us unique.
Id Kyle chuckles weakly before scowling and folding his arms tightly.
With the ice weakened if not totally broken, Kyle sits down on the edge of his clone’s bed.
“Listen, about earlier…” he tries to find Id Kyle’s eyes in the hopes that he’ll actually look up at him. “I was way over the line. I'm so sorry about what I said, it was totally uncalled for-”
“You were right though,” Id Kyle mutters.
Kyle frowns.
“Huh?”
“You were right!” Id Kyle snaps, and with his wide eyes and arms thrown down to his sides it’s like the revelation has burst out of him. “I am just a glorified sex doll! Our entire relationship revolves around fucking each other and…” he rolls his eyes, shoulders slumping. “Don't get me wrong, I love it but…” he presses his lips together, brow furrowing. “Is it so bad to want something more? I asked Eric why we don't go out and he said he's happy with just this, and he said I practically forced him into agreeing to a date! So if I can't even get him to commit to one date then what hope do I have for the future? What the hell am I gonna do with my life? You guys are going to college in a couple of months and I'll be all alone-”
“Wait, didn't Cartman say you could go to college with him?” Kyle interjects. This is something he’s sceptical about but it’s all he’s got to reassure Id Kyle.
“Yeah…” Id Kyle sighs heavily again. “Yeah, he did say that but the more I think about it, it's not gonna work.”
“Well, what about applying for some courses yourself?” Kyle shifts closer, smiling his ‘big brother’ smile. “There's still time.”
And if you can climb off Cartman’s dick for two minutes I’ll help you study and write your applications.
Id Kyle huffs and rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, right. I'm failing every class because I can't concentrate. All I think about is Eric.” Id Kyle moans softly, eyes rolling backwards like he’s just bitten into the most delicious dessert. “His eyes, and his mouth, and his hands, and his-”
“Okay, I get it,” Kyle interjects, raising his hand.
Id Kyle shakes his head, his forlorn gaze wandering the carpet.
“I can't stand to be apart from him.” Anger seems to well up under his skin, flaring his nostrils and drawing his lips thinner. “Even when I'm fucking mad at him, I can't get him out of my head.”
Kyle snickers ruefully.
“Yeah, I know how you feel.”
Id Kyle is still staring despondently at the carpet.
“No, you really don't.”
“No, I really do.” Kyle tries to meet his eyes again, if only to convince himself that confessing his feelings isn’t going to be a huge mistake. But Id Kyle is clearly lonely, he could use someone to connect with on a platonic level. And hey, maybe Kyle needs it too. “You…” he takes an encouraging breath. “You were right too.”
Id Kyle blinks, his eyes flitting around Kyle’s face like a bug trying to fly out of a closed window.
“Huh?”
“You were right!” Kyle exclaims, and he feels this explosion in his belly that’s nausea tinged with relief. “What you said before. I…” he takes a shaky breath and scratches his head. “I am jealous.” He looks into Id Kyle’s eyes that have thankfully calmed down. “Of what you guys have.”
“You…” Id Kyle blinks again and leans in closer, voice quiet. “You like Eric?”
Kyle’s eyes slip shut and he sighs through his nose.
“Uh-huh.”
He opens his eyes to see Id Kyle slack-jawed and with a faraway gaze, his mind perhaps replaying all the interactions Kyle has had with Cartman for clues.
“Oh my god…” he whispers, before he looks up at Kyle with an ecstatic grin. “Oh my god, this is so exciting! What's your favourite thing about him?”
He hops into an all-fours position on the mattress like a cat, and begins to crawl towards Kyle. He wonders if he does that for Cartman and if he likes it, or if he finds it as unnerving as Kyle does right now, who is shifting further and further away from his clone.
“The dimples in his cheeks when he grins? How he laughs when he tricks Butters-”
Kyle interjects before he falls off the bed.
“I'd rather not go into too much detail but all I will say is… whenever I see you two together it makes my heart hurt, you know?” He winces, especially when Id Kyle looks so pitying. “And when I think about what you might be doing with each other, it's hard for me to stop.”
Id Kyle nods sagely, eyes closed.
“I get that.” He sits back on his heels. “We're pretty hot.”
“I obsess over it, and I wish I could stop but more than anything, I wish I could have what you have.”
“So how do you do it?” Id Kyle asks, leaning forward again.
Kyle blinks.
“What?”
“How do you not touch him, and kiss him whenever you have the chance?” Id Kyle’s eyebrows draw closer together as he talks. “How do you make it through the day?”
Kyle snorts.
“Practice, mainly. When you've been repressing your feelings for long enough you can do it without much effort.” His gaze wanders over to his desk, where his homework, and Debate notes are, his basketball medals hanging above them. “Plus, I have other things to occupy my time…”
“Right…” Id Kyle smiles weakly, the golden gleam of the medals catches his eye too. “I love Eric, but I feel like there might be more to life than just him, you know?”
Kyle nods slowly, and he feels like he’s finally seeing Id Kyle for the first time. Or rather, seeing Id Kyle as a full person for the first time, with potential, with desires that are not just carnal.
“Yeah, I know, and you should get to experience that. So…” he swallows thickly, before he offers: “How about we trade places?”
“Huh?”
“Just for a day!” Kyle holds up his hands, voice straining and the nape of his neck suddenly very hot. “You can be me and get a taste of my extracurriculars, take your mind off Eric for a while, and I, um…”
Get a chance to be with Cartman.
Kyle will swear in a court of law that’s not why he made the offer. It’s just a fortunate, thrilling, wildest-dreams-coming true coincidence.
Id Kyle smirks, raising his eyebrows.
“You can fuck my boyfriend?”
“If you're cool with that,” Kyle replies, not knowing what to do with his hands. He also feels like he needs another shower.
If Id Kyle says no, then of course Kyle will respect that. He’s not a homewrecker. It’ll just be hard to pass as Id Kyle if he doesn’t get some action with Cartman that’s all, and blow their whole scheme wide open. In a way, it makes sense for Kyle to hook up with him, if only to buy Id Kyle a little more time in his shoes.
Id Kyle nods, lower lip pooching slightly.
“Yeah, I'm cool.” He sits up, smiling brightly. “Having sex with Eric is my favourite thing to do so it'll be nice to have somebody to talk about it with.”
“Right…” Kyle nods, but his mind is spinning. He holds out his hand. “So do we have a deal?”
“Yeah.” Id Kyle beams, clasping Kyle’s hand hard. He gives it a firm shake and doesn’t comment on how clammy it is. “Deal.”