Chapter Text
Severus wasn't sleeping; it was difficult to sleep there, although staying awake was worse because he was forced to face the disgusting reality.
Four days had passed since he arrived there. He only had a sense of time by observing the guards' shifts, and he even discovered that the guard with the scratched face was named Remus—at least, that's what his friend had called him.
Remus spent a good deal of time with his eyes fixed on Severus but never said anything. Even if he felt bad, he never spoke, and this made Severus feel contempt for him. There was a place in hell for people who chose to remain neutral in situations of cruelty.
It was agonizing to spend so much time alone in a place like that.
He felt he had nothing left to do with the outside world; life was unfair, but he either killed himself or accepted it.
Severus made an effort to pray frequently, reciting prayers he had been taught and personal prayers.
When he wasn't praying, his thoughts turned to the emperor. It was strange, so he did something he was very good at: he suppressed everything.
It got on his nerves.
James Potter was just a man, and not even a man worthy of veneration like the saints.
A man who had riches and power, but none of those things could ever change the fact that he was just a fool.
He didn't deserve to occupy so much space in his mind, at least not in the way he did.
The guards opened the cell and Severus swallowed hard, already expecting his inevitable death. He would have prayed more if he had known it would be today.
"He wants to see you today. Do yourself a favor and stop trying to make him kill you,"
Remus whispered to him as he dragged him through the corridors.
Suddenly, Severus became very aware of his surroundings.
The corridor was almost empty, and the torches cast flickering shadows on the damp walls.
"Am I going to die today?"
Severus asked himself, even though he thought he despised him.
"I don't think so, at least that wasn't the order I received."
As they approached the emperor's chambers, Remus gave him a few short answers.
"You are a strong man, my brother, you shouldn't remain silent."
Remus looked at him and then at the floor; perhaps he had touched a nerve there, but it was necessary.
The guard opened the large doors, and even though he had already been warned, he remained startled upon seeing them. He looked into Remus's eyes.
James made only a gesture with his hand, and Remus was already leaving the room, but before that happened, he spoke.
"Thank you."
Remus left quickly, and Severus had no choice but to face his boggart in the room.
Emperor James Potter.
Severus felt his stomach sink.
Being alone with him was already frightening, but it helped that this time he had an angry expression, as if he wanted to rip someone's skin off.
He could see him clenching his hands in anger.
"I thought Christians didn't have sex with people they didn't know well," James commented bitterly.
Severus stared at him, shocked.
The emperor maintained that vacant look.
"You're a perverse lunatic."
James seemed confused by this, as if he were the rational one in the story.
"You act like a pervert, flirting even with guards."
Severus genuinely couldn't understand what was going on in this man's head.
The emperor approached him, and his courage vanished like the wind, giving way to fear of being near a madman.
"I believe you've misunderstood the situation, my emperor. I would never touch that man."
The emperor seemed to think for a moment before smiling.
Everything about him was impulsive and unpredictable; the future seemed unstable around him, as if reality had to follow his whims.
It was no wonder Severus had heard so many stories about James Potter breaking promises, changing his mind overnight, and condemning men for offenses that didn't even exist.
"I saw you talking to another man when you were in jail."
"Talking?"
Severus wondered if he was hallucinating; he didn't know why he was explaining himself as if he owed someone something.
"Don't play dumb, you're stupid but not that stupid."
Severus stared at him, uncomprehending.
James took another step forward.
"The man who was in jail. You were smiling at him."
He found himself wondering why so many unpleasant things were happening to him; once his father had told him this was his destiny.
"I wasn't smiling, at least not."
"You were."
"I was simply amazed by him, by the way he acted."
It was his destiny, not because bad things were coming to him, but because Severus had something bad inside him that would always make him feel this way. If his own father thought this, probably everyone else thought the same, if not worse.
"Why?"
Perhaps that was the first time the emperor had asked something he truly doubted, as if these feelings were something strange to him.
For a moment, James seemed like a child in Severus's eyes; perhaps that was how God saw him.
"Because he is my brother in Christ and did not give up because of fear."
The silence that followed was peculiar.
James observed his face for a few seconds.
"Brother."
"Yes."
"So that's it?"
"That's what?"
He wondered if the emperor had ever loved someone as a brother; it seemed like a strange vision and idea.
"This ridiculous affection you all have for each other."
Severus began to feel a headache.
Talking to the emperor was like trying to keep up with someone who had never been human.
It was like explaining a dog to someone who had never seen one and asking that person to draw it; it would look similar, but if you looked closely, the details wouldn't make sense.
That's how emotions of empathy and love seemed to the emperor; he could understand the idea, but never truly.
"We are a community, like a family."
"You were worried when they took him away, you even wished you could die for them."
"Of course I was."
"Why?"
"Because he's a person."
James made a disgusted face as if Severus had seriously insulted him.
That seemed to irritate him more than any insult.
"And I'm not?"
Severus immediately regretted the surprised expression that appeared on his face.
James realized it; he had memorized almost all of Severus's expressions. He acquired this gift after countless nights spent disguised and walking with the people.
"I understand."
He crossed his arms, and Severus frowned. He thought he'd seen a couple having this kind of discussion before.
"You think I'm some kind of monster."
"I think you're a man."
"A man?"
It was like trying to calm a beast, but that was probably the Christian thing to do; he wasn't very sure.
"Strange."
James seemed to feel as if Severus was insulting him.
Maybe he was a sensitive man? This was fucking weird.
"Why do you seem to care much more about those two wretches than about me?"
Severus had never felt so confused. Was this a joke?
"I'm sorry...?"
"I should kill you all for this."
He snapped back to reality when the emperor said this and pushed him.
"No, no, no, please, I swear it wasn't on purpose."
He pleaded. It was like a ridiculous theatrical performance. James didn't answer him.
Severus clung to his robes and, on his knees, begged for the lives of those men. He was thin, dirty, and full of tears.
I wish I could have a painting with this exact view.
He placed his hands on Severus's hair, who this time had no choice but to accept willingly. James felt happy and normal; that warmth in his chest was probably something everyone felt.
"Please... they don't deserve this."
Perhaps he had offered exactly what this Christian wanted, just as Lily had said.
He pressed Severus's face into his hands, his breathing becoming heavier.
He felt that his dreams were going to come true today.
It seemed the man on his knees had the same feeling, for his face turned red and he pulled his head back slightly, or at least tried to.
"Do you think you can do something for me?"
"If I do this, will you let them go?"
James smiled.
"I can do a lot for you."
Severus felt terrible and guilty because, strangely, he didn't feel so bad about having to do this.
What a shame, he wanted to be a saint but behaved this way.
He deserved the worst.
James ran his hand through his hair as he removed his clothes.
He felt nervous, thinking that such perversion would only remain in his guilty thoughts.
"Have you done this before?"
Severus shook his head; it was very inappropriate to talk while doing something so dirty.
"I imagined my honey."
It was strange to be so close to a man's masculinity, especially when it was the emperor and he was saying things like that.
"It's quite simple, lick and suck, understand?"
Severus did his best timidly, not looking him in the eyes.
He gave experimental licks; it was strange and hot, but he found James very handsome, making him forget the guilt.
It was difficult to put too much in his mouth without choking.
James looked at him while moaning; he liked seeing Severus with drool in his mouth and teary eyes.
He grabbed Severus by the hair; he was a mess.
"Look at me," he laughed, and Snape looked at him with those eyes. "Say you like me a lot."
Even though it wasn't entirely bad, he felt bad speaking, especially when a man was masturbating in front of him while looking at him.
"I like you a lot."
James moaned loudly; it was all so obscene.
When you feel lust for someone, you transform them into the object of your desire, and reducing a person to your desire was something horrible and cruel; to lust after someone was to hate that person.
And James and Severus hated each other very much.