Hi hi! Here for ConcritX! Full disclosure: I only have cursory knowledge of Zelda, so my apologies if I miss something major on my read-through.
Line Reactions:
Solid first line! Though, Even the Triforce of Power can't keep up with the boy's dizzying flurry of blows, his armor of darkness cracking under the strain of
I thiiiiink this is a dangling modifier. "Armor of darkness" sounds way more Ganondorf than Link, but the clause order here implies that it's Link's.
"This is for Tiffany!" Ow. "This is for Uncle!" Ow.
I'm not sure what I'd put here instead, but "ow" feels insufficient to me for a blow that cuts to the bone.
The boy keeps screaming names Ganondorf has never heard as if this is supposed to mean something to him.
A comma after "heard" would make this easier to parse for me.
He grunts, and waits for it to be over.
No comma here, though. (Two verbs but only one subject!)
tasting all the differences from the fermented mare's milk he had to settle for in the desert.
This took me a second to parse. I think that's a dessert/desert error? (Unless there's a canon desert scene I'm not familiar with.) At first I thought you meant that he'd chosen to have fermented mare's milk for dessert, and I was wondering what had happened to the pastry. Then I realized you probably meant that he had to sub in fermented mare's milk instead of cow's milk. I think it would be a little easier to tease that apart if you let it be its own sentence instead of trying to force it to be one.
"I am not your dear," Zelda spits.
"My enemy, then," Ganondorf amends glibly.
Lots of personality coming through here! He's very smarmy.
I give you my word: If you surrender the Triforce, Hyrule will remain."
Lowercase I in if, I think. I also feel like this wants another word. Remain ... safe? Intact?
an effect diminished by the bones showing under her fingers
Maybe instead "an effect diminished by the way her finger bones show through the skin"
he uncurls her fists and delicately laces her fingers together -- still pretending to be a princess even in a cell
I wasn't sure how literal the cell was. Is she in a cell while he isn't? Is he posting up in her cell? Or is this glibness? If the latter, I'd rewor it to "still pretending to be a princess, even now" or something.
but I guess that's why you're the witch and I'm the farmboy!"
Haha, cute.
Overall Thoughts:
Good achronological storytelling plays into that sense of inevitability, and I think this one-shot succeeds there. It also definitely doesn't seem like Ganandorf gets that. The last line of the first scene, where the text says "he thought about that" could use a little more for that reason. First of all, is he *really* thinking about it? I wonder. Though, more importantly, I am more interested in knowing what he was thinking than in knowing that he was thinking. Like, has he seen the error of his ways too late? Or is he stubbornly still convinced that he did nothing wrong?
Okay, on the second pass, I think I'm just missing some context. My first read was that it was told in reverse order, that the witch was reacting the way she did because she knows Link's future. But now I'm wondering if the second two scenes are simultaneous and if the witch is acting the way she does just because she doesn't like Ganondorf, not because she knows anything about the future. I guess I don't know enough about what it means for Gandorf to slip into the Sacred Realm. Are he and Link on a sort of Groundhog's Day loop?
Either way, I really enjoyed the final scene with Link and Granny the witch. I like their interactions and the subtle body language you use to show that she understands things that Link doesn't.
Definitely a fic that doesn't overstay its welcome! Nothing felt overdone or out of place to me.
I thiiiiink this is a dangling modifier. "Armor of darkness" sounds way more Ganondorf than Link, but the clause order here implies that it's Link's.
Fair point. Would replacing the comma with a period be a good fix?
I'm not sure what I'd put here instead, but "ow" feels insufficient to me for a blow that cuts to the bone.
The implication is that the "ow"s refer to additional blows, which may be lighter. I imagine transformed Ganondorf has pretty good pain tolerance, also.
A comma after "heard" would make this easier to parse for me.
Fair point, I'll add it.
No comma here, though. (Two verbs but only one subject!)
The idea here was to convey a pause. Waiting is an action that implies a longer span of time than a grunt. He grunts, (beat) and waits for it to be over.
Re: mare's milk, I meant to say that it was a Gerudo drink. Animal products are generally preferred over agricultural ones among nomadic cultures, since obviously they can't have much in the way of agriculture. Do you have a recommendation for how I could make it clearer?
I also feel like this wants another word. Remain ... safe? Intact?
The joke is that he's omitting this on purpose. :) Hyrule will remain in some state. What that state may be... he can make no promises.
Is she in a cell while he isn't?
Yes. The idea is she's being held prisoner -- that's also why the repeated references to her looking starved.
I think I may have been too subtle. The story is in chronological order; the joke is Ganondorf realized that if he doesn't antagonize Link, Link will have no motivation to oppose him. That's why in the final scene Link mentions that outsiders are talking about monsters -- the idea is that everywhere else is just as bad as normal for a Zelda game, but Link's little hamlet has remained purposefully untouched.
Okay! Finally got time to give more detailed responses.
Would replacing the comma with a period be a good fix? Splitting into a new sentence might help, but you've still got pronoun confusion if the last "he" you referred to was "the boy." I think you'll still need to specify Ganondorf.
The implication is that the "ow"s refer to additional blows, which may be lighter. I imagine transformed Ganondorf has pretty good pain tolerance, also. Blows with a sword, though?
The idea here was to convey a pause. Waiting is an action that implies a longer span of time than a grunt. He grunts, (beat) and waits for it to be over. Why not ellipses?
The idea is she's being held prisoner -- that's also why the repeated references to her looking starved. I got that she was being starved, but that didn't by itself give me "cell." A little more scene-setting would made the mentioning of the cell feel less out-of-the-blue and more obviously literal for me.
I think I may have been too subtle. The story is in chronological order; the joke is Ganondorf realized that if he doesn't antagonize Link, Link will have no motivation to oppose him. That's why in the final scene Link mentions that outsiders are talking about monsters -- the idea is that everywhere else is just as bad as normal for a Zelda game, but Link's little hamlet has remained purposefully untouched. Subtle--maybe? I'm also just not as familiar with the "rules" of Zelda. The only Zelda game I played was Oracle of Seasons, and I was a kid so I didn't get far enough in to actually encounter Zelda herself in the game, and I've never met Ganondorf in-game either. So, I might not be familiar enough.
The monsters line specifically made me think that, like, of course to Link monsters are not a big deal. He's good at fighting them off.
If you're worried about being too subtle, I think the place to make adjustments is that final line of the first scene, where Ganondorf is "thinking." Maybe something to the effect of, "Next time, he would make some changes."
The monsters line specifically made me think that, like, of course to Link monsters are not a big deal. He's good at fighting them off.
The dialogue is specifically that he's not encountering the monsters at all, though -- he says people are telling stories about monsters, Granny says they're probably exaggerating, and Link agrees. He's never actually seen one.
I'll see what I can do about adjusting the description in the cell scene.
ETA: I've added a line about Zelda being in a cell at the start of the second scene, and changed the dialogue in the third scene to make it clearer Link's not seen any monsters.
The dialogue is specifically that he's not encountering the monsters at all, though -- he says people are telling stories about monsters, Granny says they're probably exaggerating, and Link agrees. He's never actually seen one. Ah, I missed that! That one's on me, though.
Comment on Wisdom
WildBoots Fri 23 Apr 2021 10:39PM UTC
Last Edited Fri 23 Apr 2021 10:41PM UTC
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A_Friendly_Irin Sat 24 Apr 2021 12:10AM UTC
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WildBoots Sat 24 Apr 2021 03:32PM UTC
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A_Friendly_Irin Sat 24 Apr 2021 04:36PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 24 Apr 2021 04:48PM UTC
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WildBoots Sat 24 Apr 2021 05:02PM UTC
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